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“I think I actually might die. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me,” Severus complained, holding the notice in his outstretched hand at the maximum distance he could, as though it was a grenade about to go off, or perhaps a very stinky diaper.
“I don’t see what the big fuss is about, even if it is a little heavy-handed for the Ministry to be going around fussing over matches only for those with certain bloodlines,” Lily said, peering around his shoulder. “But heavy-handed or not, it’s just a Marriage of Convenience, isn’t it? Surely that isn’t that foreign of a concept to you.”
Severus scoffed. “What, you mean with my parents? No, that is what’s known as a Wandpoint wedding, and though superficially similar, it has nothing at all to do with this,” he said, waving it about again in disgust, causing a nearby owl to screech at them in offense.
“Then explain it to me, Severus, because I’m really not seeing what’s such a huge deal. Just sign a piece of paper and it’s over, you'll never have to see each other again. Plus there’s probably like tax benefits or something for being married, right?”
“No, Lily, actually the taxes are far worse if we’re married without children rather than simply being single, and this isn’t just some muggle ceremony where you repeat whatever words they want you to say, and can go on your merry way. Magical weddings make sure you actually live as a couple, in every way, whether you want to be there or not.”
“Wait really? That’s horrible! Even…” she trailed off, sounding uncertain.
“Mhmm. The Ministry was... very concerned at the easy availability of muggle birth control methods that actually worked starting around the 1920s. They feared it would cause too sharp a decline in magical birth rates if they didn't do anything about it, especially among pureblood families. So, the Wizengamot agreed to the married tax hike. Something like 90% of magical families give birth in their first year now, and the tax rebate increases with each subsequent child, though you’d need a ridiculously huge brood to approach the rates for filing alone.”
“I can’t believe this," she seethed. "Maybe this was what Mary was trying to warn me about?”
“Oh?” Severus asked.
“It’s nothing, really. Only everyone started getting these notices at the start of the year, and when I asked about them, Mary made sure to tell me to read all the fine print before I decide to go steady with — a pureblood, but not much else.”
“If only it were just the purebloods,” Severus muttered, trying not to think too hard about what she’d been about to say. Bloody Potter ruining everything, every bloody time.
“I know Severus, I didn’t mean to imply…”
Severus sighed. “No, I know, I know what you meant. It’s just hard not to feel offended at the whole thing, no matter that my being registered with her family against her will is the only reason Mum can afford my tuition each year. You know we don’t make half what your pa does.”
“I know,” Lily said softly. “So let’s brainstorm other workarounds. What loopholes do you know of?”
“Well, there’s no penalty if I become a widower in a tragically short amount of time,” Severus said, taking another stab at his bowl of porridge.
“Hmm, murder might bring along some other complications, so let’s call that Plan C for now. What else?”
“Doesn’t have to be murder if they get themselves killed in this damned war,” Severus said, “But your point stands. It would be just as complicated to have a spouse so blatantly fighting for a single side that they died in open battle as it would be to brew the perfect poison without getting caught. Well, a muggle marriage loses you your wand rights, that's what happened to Mum, and the same goes for any magical attempt to break a marriage or otherwise divorce. But there is the Lavender Family workaround…”
“Oh? And who are they? I’ve never heard of them before.”
“Yes, well that’s probably because most purebloods would all much rather pretend they didn’t exist at all. But you recall Lilith Brown, who graduated two years ago? She and Talia Ravenswood paired off with Gilbert Diggory and Harry Green, and all four got a house together, so they’re all four living under the same roof. On their wedding night, they ordered enough illegal potions to get our whole year interested in an orgy — which I know because I was the one who brewed for them — thus fulfilling the consummation requirement of the marriage for the next five years or so. And until then, the couples can live as friendly neighbors who mostly ignore each other unless needed.”
“Hmm. And that would work for you?”
“Well, I’d still be in a marriage I don’t want, which is still extremely inconvenient,” Severus said.
“Yes, I quite agree. What’s Plan A then?” Lily asked.
“Move to France?”
Severus quirked an eyebrow at her, and they both broke out into sputtering laughter at the thought — a rat out of Cokeworth making it big, living the bachelor life in Paris.
“Yeah, you know what," she chuckled. "France. That’s Plan A.”