Work Text:
There was a lot wrong with their new pilot.That much was apparent within the first 15 minutes of knowing him. Granted he saved their lives, although the argument could be made that his flying wasn’t exactly something anyone would consider anything but reckless suicide. He was crazy through and through. BA said it well when he said there was something wrong with the man’s eyes. Or when his manic energy held no concern for the wellbeing of others - example being when he set face on fire simply because it was an option.
But he did get them out of Mexico and Hannibal had said to trust him. That he had arranged it so Murdock would be under Hannibals command. It was kinda weird, after being just face and Hannibal for so long, now the man was collecting strangers like Easter eggs all in one day. But face trusted Hannibal a lot, so that must mean something.
After they landed, he went to give the pilot a congratulatory shoulder grasp but the man spun out of his reach quickly and his mood shifted on a dime. He had a wild almost caged look in his overly expressive face “don’t touch me! Ever.” The sudden switch to hostility from the constant glee he had till then threw face for a loop. He managed a stunned nod and just like that the captain nodded to himself and switched back to a smile- but face could see it lacked the genuine excitement from earlier. To showy in comparison to the openness from before. The man looked guilty for a split second before he held a fist up with a strained look of uncomfortablity “uhhh. fist bump?”
Face knew the situation was already awkward enough as it was but if this man was supposed to be his new teammate then he wasn’t about to go and make it weirder. Even if he had already expressed he didn’t want Physical contact yet was still trying to appease his new teammate so they would like him and keep him around. It was better to just do it and get it over with rather then go back and forth. He gave the man’s fist a gentle tap, making sure to brake the contact quickly and flashed him a smile. “Thanks man”
Face filed the information he gathered from the brief interaction to the back of his head and went about his day. He saw Hannibal was watching from a little ways away. Wondering what the man made of the situation.
The next time it happened was still within their first week into being a team, still skirting around into getting to know eachother. Tensions were still high, specifically between BA and Murdock. To be fair they certainly seemed like the type of people to never get along, even though anytime face brought up to Hannibal the non compatibility, he would simply smirk and walk away. Face didn’t know what he saw that made him think this team would work long term, but face had a suspicion BA was mainly aggressive towards the pilot because of his flying. Which to be fair, made a lot of sense considering the stunts he pulled nearly got him killed.
Honestly it was just a matter of time till something happened and set off the time bomb that seemed to hover over them both. But face honestly thought it was gonna be BA that lost it due to being constantly annoyed by the man. Well he was, but Murdocks reaction seemed to catch them all off guard- although face and Hannibal had been made aware of the man’s severe touch adversion that first day, nothing could have prepared them for just how bad it was.
BAs tolerance for bullshit was growing shorter and shorter as the pilot rambled on to him talking about the most random things in that strange obsessive excitement he had, like if he didn’t speak about the thoughts in his head right away then the earth might explode or something. It wasn’t hard to see BA was close to blowing a fuse from the annoyance. He had snapped a few times already but Murdock hadn’t seemed to take the hint, and if he did, didn’t care enough to acknowledge it.
Of course BA was used to yelling about potential manhandling and threats of bodily harm to get people to back off but Murdock seemed to like the concept of danger to much for it to mean anything to him.
BA had eventually had enough and moved towards the entry of the tent they were in, Murdock had been pacing the entryway with his “normal” restless energy. BA had reached out and grabbed the man’s arm with a growl of irritation and growing anger, the intent to forcibly move him out of the way so BA- who was a solitary creature, could find some peace and quiet.
BA didn’t expect for Murdock to suddenly turn violent on him, but he could also confidently say it’s not the first time someone had retaliated. It’s the only reason why he didn’t end up with the knife in his gut. The scuffle was quick with a chaotic flurry of motion, both defending and lashing out in knife slashes and punches and in a split second blur, Murdock ducked away and had himself pressed into the far corner of the tent. His back pressed into the wood framing and panting hard. He had the knife held out in front of him in warning and the expression on his face was as foreign as it was venomous. “Don’t. Fucking. Touch me. Again”
Hannibal and face hadn’t been that far away conversing when they heard the commotion. They didn’t waste time in running over after hearing the sounds of the fight. “What the heck is going on over here?!”
Hannibal took a moment to observe the situation, saw that things were already past fighting now that they were separated. He could see that BA was more confused than angry. But the man still yelled in anger to mask anything else. “Crazy fool pulled a knife on me Hannibal! Mans dangerous! Why did anyone think this team, or at least having him on it, was a good idea!”
Face looked aghast “now wait just a minute-“
“I swear he’s trying to kill me!”
Hannibal ignored them both and took a step towards Murdock who immediately responded by tightening up his stance in preparation to spring out like a coiled snake at any second.
“Put the knife down captain, you can trust us”
Murdock shook his head no, clearly not believing the attempt to de-escalate. It was then that he noticed the knife wasn’t a standard issue fixed blade everyone carried. No. In fact it was a folding switch blade. old but had a pristinely maintained wicked edge to it. It was a beautiful knife but felt out of place somehow. Like it might mean something but Hannibal couldn’t see why yet.
“No one is gonna touch you anymore, BA didn’t know because you didn’t communicate that boundary to him yet. Simple misunderstanding. Now put the knife down ok?”
It took a second, mistrust clearly expressed in the pilots face but he slowly lowered the knife cautiously, ready to bring it back up if anyone made a move. BA and face wisely kept their mouths shut.
The silence was thick and glaringly uncomfortable till finally the knife was no longer poised to strike.
“Good” he said evenly. “That’s good Captain. Now close it.”
Another hesitation.
Murdock’s thumb hovered over the release. His eyes flicked between each of them like he was determining threat levels. Still angry and closed off. Finally the knife was put away but no one fully relaxed, least of all Murdock. Eyes tracking every single minor movement.
“Out” Hannibal’s commanded
BA huffed in exasperation “He’s the one who -!”
“Outside now. we will discuss it later.”
Face looked pinched but he guided the still seething man out the entry way.
Hannibal turned back to his still guarded captain. “5 minutes real talk. Then I’ll leave you alone. I know it’s been awhile for you but Teams work well with communication, so we are going to communicate. Is that ok?”
Murdock nodded but he didn’t exactly look happy.
“Let’s start with what just happened.”
Murdock suddenly looked nervous but it didn’t phase Hannibal. “Don’t like being touched.”
Hannibal nodded as if that made perfect sense. “Ok. Did he know that?”
Murdock began to look guilty again, like with face that first day “no.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
Murdocks ever expressive eyes flashed again with the same fury from before “because people never listen! They do it anyway! No one ever cares.”
Hannibal hummed “well I care”
Murdock scoffed “you’re lying. You all lie. Every single time.” He glared but Hannibal didn’t let it get to him.
“We are not your enemy here. We are a team. And we respect boundaries here but only if we know about them. We will not touch you again”
Murdock suddenly looked exhausted “until you do. It’s always the same. People make you trust them then do it anyway because they ‘have to’ or cause it’s funny.”
“How so? Tell me”
He had some inkling, he read his file after all when he was deciding if he wanted to keep the pilot, but he wanted to hear it for himself. To hear it from the person it happened to and not someone else’s observations. Orderlies manhandling him that led to aggression, his time as a POW and being tortured, one particular incident where people had been harassing Murdock relentlessly for months. His grandfather. You name it, it probably happened to the man.
“I don’t want to give you any ideas to what you can get away with.”
Hannibal sighed. It was still early, he needed to give Murdock time to trust them on his own. It wasn’t something they could force. But it certainly seemed like not touching him in any capacity would help a long way in gaining it.
“Let’s make a bet then. I promise this team will never touch, grab, or hurt you with any intention. Accidents will happen sure. But never intentionally. And if it happens I’ll give you 100 bucks or anything else you want. how’s that sound” Hannibal had no doubt the other 2 would be on board once he had a chance to talk to them.
Murdock observed him for a long few seconds. Probably longer than necessary. “Fine. But anyone grabs, I stab, you hear?”
Hannibal smirked “I wouldn’t expect anything less”
Without another word Hannibal left the tent. As much as he would like to continue the conversation and gain more pieces to the puzzle, he didn’t want to over do it. Murdock didn’t move but he did catch the minuscule relaxed posture he immediately took now that he was alone.
The leader passed the other 2 who were softly arguing a few tents away and ordered them to follow him. It was time for everyone to be on the same page.
He lead them to his own tent pushing the flaps to the side. private from prying ears. “Ok, team meeting.” He pulled out a cigar and lit it while he waited for the 2 to situate themselves.
“I don’t care what kinda issues he’s got, Hannibal, you don’t pull a blade on your own people!”
Hannibal blew out a plume of smoke.
“He didn’t pull it on his own people” Hannibal said calmly. “He thought you were a threat to him. He thinks every single person is a threat to him”
BA scoffed incredulously. “All I did was grab his arm.”
“Yes” Hannibal agreed evenly. “You did.”
Face crossed his arms, expression tight. “It’s not just a ‘don’t like hugs’ kind of thing, is it?”
“No. And the fist bump is minimal contact and HE initiated it- that’s different” Hannibal said.
BA looked between them. “You both knew? How was I supposed to?!”
“We knew he had a touch aversion” Face clarified. “We didn’t know it was… this bad.”
Hannibal rolled the cigar in his fingers
“It’s not his preference. It’s a trauma. He hides it behind his personality”
The word settled heavy.
BA’s jaw tightened. “Everybody’s got trauma.”
“True” Hannibal agreed. “But not everyone was grabbed without a choice repeatedly as a prisoner of war. Not everyone was handled roughly by orderlies and then restrained when the contact made him more violent. Or the occasional bullying when people would realize it bothers him just to cause suffering. Or his grandpa repeatedly beating him as a child. To him, hands on him mean bad experiences”
That quieted the room.
Face’s stomach dropped slightly. He hadn’t known any of that. He was starting to understand why the colonel had been watching so closely that first day.
“So he just reacts to it expecting the worst?” Face said slowly.
Hannibal nodded and took another slow drag
BA shifted, irritation warring with something less certain. “So what? We just tiptoe around him?”
“No” Hannibal said. “We respect a boundary and things will work out”
BA gave him a long look. “And if he loses it again?”
“He won’t” Hannibal replied. “Not without cause at least. And if it does we will use the code Heat scare to warn the others for future incidents”
Face ran a hand over his face. “He really thinks we’re going to do it on purpose.”
“He expects it” Hannibal said. “Because no one has made him think otherwise”
Silence stretched.
“So here’s how this works” Hannibal continued. “No grabbing. No surprise contact if you can help it and if you do at least try to warn him. Keep an eye on others to because not everyone in the world will know or care, so watch his back. You need him to move? Use your words.”
BA made a face like that was personally offensive.
“Use. Your. Words” Hannibal repeated.
Face couldn’t help a faint, strained smile.
“And if he spirals?” Face asked.
“Do our best to reassure him” Hannibal said. “You don’t corner him. You don’t loom. You don’t touch him.”
BA crossed his arms tighter. “I never signed up to babysit an armed unstable mental patient.”
Hannibal’s mouth twitched. “He is your teammate. And it’s not like he wants to hurt people but in this case he feels he has no choice because past events have shown him people won’t listen to him without incentive. And that takes the form of the promise of pain and the protection a knife can give someone to feel safe in a situation where he doesn’t”
Face nodded slowly. That tracked.
Finally BA sighed, low and reluctant. “I ain’t touching him. Don’t want to get his crazy on me anyway”
“Good.” Hannibal smirked
“But he keeps running his mouth at me—”
“That” Hannibal smiled now“is a separate issue.”
Face snorted despite himself.
BA shot him a look but the heat was less sharp now.
Hannibal took another drag. “You two are going to butt heads. That’s inevitable. But you will not escalate physically. Not with him.”
BA studied Hannibal carefully. “You trust him that much?”
Hannibal didn’t hesitate.
“Yes.”
That answer did more than any explanation could.
BA exhaled through his nose. “Fine. But I ain’t ever flying again with him that’s for sure.”
Face and Hannibal shared an amused look at that. One that BA didn’t miss even though he didn’t really know how to read them yet
“What is that look for?!”
“Oh nothing, don’t worry about it BA” he would fly whether he liked it or not. It was an easier and necessary line to cross compared to Murdocks issue.
——————//AT\\——————
It was a long time before they all started recognizing the significance of Murdocks knife. Overtime they all started to learn each other’s mannerisms, what beers they liked, favorite food and colors, stuff like that. BA and Murdock had finally started getting along yet still argued like disgruntled siblings constantly. But the bond military men make was beginning to take hold stronger then ever.
It was easy now, almost second nature for them to catch on to when Murdock was feeling uncomfortable or overcrowded. Or when his head became to much for him.
Almost unconsciously if someone got to close to him he would begin reaching for his wasteband. Those who don’t know them would never see the motion. The subtle direction to Where they had learned he had stashed his nonregulation knife. It was akin to an alarm to the rest of them that Murdock felt threatened by a person. It was the only time he ever reached for it. Any other situation he would go for his army issued knife- the one they all carried.
He didn’t want touched for any reason but he had no problem in fighting in every dirty way possible. Be it a up close and personal punch to the face or what have you.
Murdock didn’t trust people for good reason. It was interesting actually. He would go for it of course when someone got to close, ready to draw it if someone were to touch him. But face started recognizing that if Murdock didn’t like someone his fingers would twitch. Honestly even though Murdock thought every single person on the planet was untrustworthy, he was a decent judge of character. They caught a deserter that way once. Face saw Murdocks hand move towards that specific hidden knife and immediately knew something about this guy read as fishy. Face had no idea if his buddy even knew he was doing it. Probably not honestly.
Face and Murdock had been growing closer. Becoming good friends. Face hadn’t expected miracles or anything which was good because no matter how much Murdock began to trust them, his brain still saw them as threats if they got to close. None of them took it personally. It was a simple fact they all accepted that Murdock was someone they would never be able to touch in any sort of capacity. And it was fine. Yeah it was hard sometimes to have that kind of barrier but it was fine as long as Murdock was comfortable.
It hurt sometimes though to see just how much his suffering at the hands of others had caused him lasting harm. Any small incident that would happen, be it a subtle brush of the fingers when being handed something, to a fellow soldier on base that would accidentally bump into him would leave the man itching aggressively at his skin for days. Leave him watching over his shoulder with hyper vigilance for days. Leave him too nervous to eat for days. It was sad really.
But they got through it. Made sure that no one ever got seriously hurt other then feelings when Murdock would lose it and basically become a whole different person and scream - and on one memorable occasion - bite. But they managed.
It got to a point where face had decided enough was enough. He was good at what he does. Getting the impossible with no expense. It was easy to get his little gift, especially compared to some of the other things he had needed to scam.
It was a beautiful night, the stars bright in the clear sky. They were having a cookout on the fire. Murdock had cooked up a bunch of burgers and hot dogs for everyone (that under the supervision of the A Team were completely normal and not covered in poison that would make everyone sick because Murdock thought it needed seasoning of the inedible variety)
Morrison was there too. Actually Everyone on base was. It was a nice relaxing “party” after the last mission was a huge success and everyone was celebrating. Nothing better the a fire, alcohol, and a decent cookout to lift spirits.
Face had watched the general walk up to Murdock and stick his hand out for a friendly handshake, as a thank you for dinner. Murdock had stood there staring at offered hand with a vaguely sick expression on his face. The general didn’t move, just kept his hand out waiting. Face watched as Murdock seemed to be battling a war within himself, feeling pressured into appeasing a general - and Morrison of all people at that. Face was ready to step in himself not wanting Murdock to fight against his own instincts that would only hurt his buddy because someone of a higher rank expected the captain of something that was against his nature. but Hannibal had swooped in feigning being drunk and dragged his old friend away saving Murdock from doing what he obviously was not ok doing.
Face felt weird that general Morrison would do something like that. It wasn’t exactly a secret around base to stay out of the A Teams bubble of personal space or risk getting a knife to the gut or a punch to the face from Murdock or BA respectively. But it was general Morrison, their friend. The only explanation is he must have just forgotten. Yeah that had to have been it.
He watched Murdock finally finish cooking and grab a hot dog. He knew after the interaction Murdock wouldn’t be able to eat it and if he did he would only throw it up within 10 minutes. Kind of like a nervous dog when it came to eating grass. face took the it as a good sign that Murdock at least was trying to move past the near miss. Even if all he would do is hold it till it got thrown away or given to someone else. Although the argument could be made that it was an attempt to not look out of place and make it obvious something was bothering him.
He went back to his sleeping quarters to grab the gift, what better time to hand it over?
He felt kind of bad about sneaking up on Murdock but he still wanted it to be a surprise. He was sitting on a log by the fire and picking apart the hot dog when face dropped something unexpectedly across Murdocks back then sat down next to him. Face pointedly ignored the massive full body flitch that nearly caused the hot dog to get flung into the fire.
Murdock turned wide startled eyes at him then at the heavy leather draped across his shoulders.
Face smiled at him with the ease of someone without a care in the world hoping that would help calm his friends heart beat that was no doubt hammering in his chest. A subtle apology for spooking him.
“Got you a gift. Jacket I managed to find laying around. Thought maybe it would help on base or something for next time someone isn’t watching where they are going and bump into you. Extra buffer if you know what I mean.”
For a second Murdock was frozen. Face had expected it. Just sat there and watched as Murdocks hands gripped at his jeans as he shook off the feeling of phantom hands and then look at face with such open vulnerability. He managed to relax a hand and gently moved it across the leather jacket then shrugged it on.
He didn’t say anything for a long time. Eyebrows strained together like a bad case of constipation. “I- you…. Thanks” he finally settled on. “You didn’t have to” Murdock gulped loudly, like he was expecting face to tell him he was just sharing it for the night.
“Sure, but I wanted to.”
Murdock looked away and face suddenly had a feeling that he did the wrong thing
“You’re trying to fix me” he said, but it didn’t sound accusatory. Just wary.
Face leaned back against the log relaxed. “No. I’m trying to make things easier for my friend.”
Silence stretched between them.
Across the fire, BA was loudly arguing with someone about what brand of car was better
Murdock looked back at face with tears in his eyes and face had no idea what to do with that.
“Thank you. No one has ever…. Well, you know” Murdock looked at his feet sadly
Face did know. That’s why he had done it. They were kinda similar like that in some ways. Except face loved contact and Murdock loathed it. But both had never had much in the way of gifts.
“I care about you buddy. That’s all that matters”
Murdock looked back at him with a certain unfamiliar spark of pain that put face unconsciously on alert.
“What?”
“I….” Murdock seemed to have a mental fight with himself. Just like the one he had with Morrison. Him fighting against himself.
Face was worried.
“Can I test the jacket out?”
Face was blindsided for a moment
“How so?” He felt his stomach drop in worry
“Just ummmm. I-“
Murdock was struggling with his words and face was struggling to remember that this was real and not a figment of his imagination.
“You guys do so much for me. I want to return the favor.”
“Are you sure?” Face knew his voice held strong doubt. Enough that had Murdock cringing away as if face was disgusted with him. “You don’t have to do that to yourself”
“Yeah well I wanna try!” There was sudden fiery determination that still left face feeling unsure. But then he remembered the fist bump from way back when. How as long as Murdock initiated it, it made it just a smudge more tolerable.
“Ok buddy. If it’s what you want. But only if you want it. Don’t push yourself because you think you have to”
There was that pain again. One that told face he hit the nail right in the head.
Face would have loved the offer if it wasn’t at the expense of Murdock. And he wasn’t about to force the other man into it. It might happen some day. But face figured tonight wasn’t it. Murdock was already to overstimulated anyway.
“It’s ok Murdock. Doesn’t have to be today or anytime soon. Only When you’re ready.”
Murdock looked at his hands. Face watched as he moved then ran his fingers along the jacket. Testing to see how well it would work. He squeezed his eyes shut then leaned over and bumped their shoulders together. Face was both so happy and proud and devastated all at once. Especially Before he had even moved away Murdock rolled the sleeve up and started itching.
Face tried to keep his soft smile from falling
“I think it will help- did help, but Morrison-“
Face cut him off. “You don’t need to explain it. Besides your brain is too complex for that.”
Murdock let out a sigh of relief. A few minutes of near obsessed itching, the sleeve was finally pulled down again and Murdock pulled the jacket closer around himself. It fit well. Looked good on him to.
It was the most worth it scam he ever pulled. Cause it helped. Helped a lot. For the small moments.
But there was only so much it could do.
Especially when said man was shot in the shoulder in such a way that was impossible to stitch himself up.
He refused to let the medics handle him. Finally relented to at least letting Hannibal do it. It was a grueling experience because Murdock wasn’t exactly helpful. Having Hannibal behind him, hands on the back of his right shoulder was an excruciating experience to sit through. The itching had been the worst any of them had ever seen it. Lasted longer to, almost an entire month. Though to be fair the contact had not been quick but rather prolonged and not exactly gentle.
The itching had neared selfharm at that point. They went through so many bandages just to try and let the skin heal. He would constantly mutter to himself about needing to “get it off me” and remove the bandages just to scratch at the raw skin some more.
It was rough. But he managed not to stick his knife through Hannibal’s carotid artery. In moments like this he was always angry and defensive like a caged animal. But he knew subconsciously he didn’t have much of a choice and tried his best not to hold it against their leader.
He was always aggressive when it came to someone touching him. There was this one time though. The only time he didn’t react like that at all. And It was the scariest.
It was first time face really touched him and it was fully an accident. An accident where he had no other choice. They were on a mission and there had been an explosion. Huge enough to send them both flying.
Face had landed on top of Murdock somehow. He tried to push himself up, looking down at his friend“you ok?”
He watched Murdock Go deathly pale and freeze. For the first time ever, there was clear and unfiltered fear.
Fear was not something that Murdock had ever expressed. And it scared face. It was always everything BUT fear. Distrust was the closest but it didn’t even come close to the look he had now. “Get- get off me”it was spoken so softly he almost didn’t hear it. Face had never rolled so quickly in his life and even after he managed to pull his sore body away, Murdock still lay there and was breathing erratically as he began to panic like he’d never seen before.
“Murdock?!” Face looked at the prone man who was shaking like he’d been locked out in the cold for hours.
Face grabbed his comm and screamed into it hoping to be heard over the gunfire “heat scare, I have a code heat scare! It’s bad guys, sorry but you’re on your own. I’m not leaving him like this”
He looked back at the captain still on the ground staring blankly at the sky mumbling “get off me stop. Get off get off get away”
It was impossible not to make any assumptions. To connect dots.
It both broke his heart and made rage flare in his chest at the possibility he was maybe correct.
Face stands and saw Murdock flinch. It didn’t matter. They had to get out of the open.
Bullets cracked overhead. Shit, this was really bad. “Come on man, we gotta move!”
He didn’t want to but if he had to he would drag Murdock out of the line of fire. Luckily the bullets seemed to brake through some of the haze for him to get to his feet and follow face to find cover. Still distant and unaware but at least on his feet.
He turned away to scan the surroundings and updated the team. “Boss we got a problem here and I don’t like the implications”
“What implications”
“The ones where this contact made him scared of me”the comm crackled and face knew Hannibal and BA would rush to finish so they could help. When he turned back it felt like the end of the world. He had a knife in his hand, the special one, and was attacking his wrists with it.
“SHIT!”
Face snapped forward forgetting everything in him that said it was a bad move when it came to the crazy man but all he could think about was getting the knife away from Murdock who kept carving into his hand and forearm, fear laced his voice as he kept murmuring “get off get off get off”
Face firmly grasped Murdock arm with the knife, trying to restrain him from doing more damage. The reaction was instantaneous, but it wasn’t defensive like it always was but still desperate all the same.
Murdock screamed something primal at the contact.
He twisted violently, knife hand jerking toward his own skin again, trying to wrench free. “Don’t— don’t— I have to—”
Face’s brain split in two. One half screaming that he had just violated the one rule. The other knowing if he didn’t, Murdock was going to flay his own arm open past the point of no return.
“I’m sorry” Face breathed, and then he committed. He tackled him.
They went down hard against the concrete. Face pinned Murdock’s knife wrist to the ground with both hands, using his body weight to keep him from twisting.
Murdock thrashed in pure animalistic panic
“LET GO OF ME!”
“I can’t!” Face shouted back. “You’re hurting yourself!”
Murdock bucked, trying to roll them. He tried to bring his free hand up to claw at his own skin instead. Face shifted, trapping that arm too, doing his best to avoid the gashes, blood making the limb sticky and difficult to grasp. They were chest to chest now, forearm across Murdock’s biceps to immobilize him.
He could feel the tremors running through both of them.
Feel the way Murdock’s breathing was spiraling into hyperventilation.
“I’m sorry” Face kept repeating. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”
The knife clattered away when Face finally managed to wrench it free from his grip and kicked it out of reach. But he couldn’t let go. If he let go, Murdock would go right back to it.
So he held him down.
Every instinct in him screaming that this was the worst possible thing he could do to someone who couldn’t stand human contact.
To be on top of him the same way again as to what triggered him in the first place to begin with.
Murdock was rigid beneath him.
“Get off” he whispered, voice breaking. “Please get off.”
Face’s heart shattered.
He heard running footsteps and almost panicked. He could not deal with enemy’s right now, he had no way to defend them while trying to keep Murdock still. The sights of Hannibal and BA running Around the corner was like a breath of fresh air. He didn’t waste time by screaming at them for help. Both eyes wide at the sight in front of them and steps slowing as they took it in.
Murdock let out a strangled yelp and smacked his head into the concrete, twisting around trying to get away from Face’s weight.
“Don’t touch me!” he gasped.
Face’s composure cracked.
“I KNOW!” he shouted, voice breaking. “I know you don’t want this! I don’t want this either!”
That seemed to brake through just a little bit because Murdock stilled slightly. “Please” Murdock was crying now, tears sliding down his face as he begged
“BA grab the knife please. Hey buddy. I’ll let you go if you promise not to hurt yourself ok?”
Face was an excellent scam artist. Had perfected the skill of masking his emotions to say things and convince people to do what he wants. He still felt his mask brake at the tail end of the sentence. A true indicator how close he was to losing his own composure.
Murdock managed a shaky nod and face let go and slowly moved away. He felt sick at the necessary action of pinning his best friend to the ground. Mind only replaying the thought of there being only one significant reason why someone would react so strongly to being pinned and had to move away so he could vomit into the grass, Trusting BA and Hannibal to take care Murdock.
He probably lost any chance at Murdock ever looking him in the eyes again.
It took what seemed like forever to get him calmed down. Hannibal assisted best he could but let Murdock do most of the work of treating his wounds. At least the mission had been handled.
Murdock was still shaking but he was back to being in the right head space. Not lost somewhere in the past.
“Can I have my knife back?” It was spoken so softly and pathetically that face nearly caved. But BA had it and he firmly told Murdock no. That he wouldn’t give it back until he was sure Murdock wouldn’t try to carve something fierce into his own flesh again. Murdock had punched the ground at that. A different kind of desperation this time. “You don’t understand- I need it. It keeps me safe please don’t take it away. Not again” Murdock was crying again and face could see BAs resolve almost crumble as well but he didn’t cave. “I’m sorry fool. But not till your feeling better”
Murdock screamed at them sounding as raw as he looked “I won’t feel better without it! They took it away at the hospitals and made everything worse! Your just like them! Your just like them all!”
BA would never admit it, but the words hurt a lot. Being directly compared to people who had hurt Murdock over the years. Especially after putting so much effort into being considerate and braking the chain.
Hannibal put himself into Murdocks vision “Captain we are not confiscating it. We aren’t taking it away. We are Just letting BA hold onto it for a few days. You know exactly where it is. It’s still with you because we won’t leave you. It will still be within arms reach just not on your body till we can be sure you’re not gonna try and hurt yourself again. Think of us as an extension to yourself ok?”
Murdock still had that vague look of betrayal but he cooled down. They still felt like it was more like giving up than it was acceptance.
“You said you wouldn’t- Colonel you promised”
This was such a delicate situation their broken pilot was in.
“I did. But I didn’t lie to you. Face would never do anything unless it was an accident or an emergency. Remember our bet from before? If anything happened I’d give you something, anything you want. So?”
“I want my knife back”
They all collectively cringed knowing it was to much of an ask at this moment “When your not shaking and when your not going to use a knife instead of your fingers you will get it back. I promise”
“Promises mean nothing.” Murdock said bitterly.
BA finally broke his silence and knelt down by Murdock. “Don’t you trust us?”
Murdock fumbled for words, not knowing how to answer. He did trust them but at the same time everyone wasn’t trustworthy. He didn’t know.
“Well I trust you. But you scared us fool.”
Murdock looked at him with wide heartbroken yet innocent eyes “I did?”
BA nodded, the other 2 simply watching. “Yeah. Big time.”
Murdock glanced down to the apprehended knife still clutched in BAs massive hands. He looked terrified, looking at someone else holding something that was so deeply intwined to his soul and not able to do anything about it. It felt wrong.
“That was my grandfathers knife. I killed him with it.” Murdock squirmed “please wrap it or something. Don’t touch it.”
BA nodded unfazed by the admission, immediately knowing why the request was made and grabbed a spare roll of bandages from the still open kit from when Hannibal helped treat the wounds. Wrapping the knife up and sliding it into his pocket. Murdock couldn’t stand someone touching the knife just as much as he couldn’t stand it himself.
“That better?”
Murdock nodded but it wasn’t very convincing.
Face paced in the back “I’m so sorry buddy. I didn’t mean to”
Murdock looked at the ground. “I know. Deep down I know.”
Fave nearly sobbed from relief but choked it back.
Face wanted to ask a million questions and demand answers. Needed to know if he was right. But he shut his mouth and didn’t say another word. Murdock didn’t need anything else to be taken from him. If he brought it up fine, but face would never cross any boundaries ever again if he could help it.
Hannibal sighed deeply and grabbed a cigar from his pocket. “Come on boys. It’s time we head home.”
——————//AT\\——————
Face got his answer in just 2 short days on exactly why Murdock panicked the way he did. He absolutely hated to have his suspicions confirmed.
BA had ran off to the bathroom and face and Murdock were walking towards the direction of lunch to save a table for the team. Mostly because Murdock refused to be out of a 10 foot radius of any member till he got his knife back. And Hannibal made another deal with the man that if he could manage to not itch so much he could get it back at the end of the week. If he did then he would have to wait till the bandages came off. But they weren’t allowed any closer than 2 foot of him either. It was difficult but the whole team were trying there best.
Hannibal was willing to give the captain the benefit of the doubt and trust the man wouldn’t try to slice and dice first chance he got when the knife would be returned but he had to be sure the urge to do so had dissipated first.
Anyway, they were headed to the mess tent, There was a shipment of corn that came in and even though Murdock was more off then he’d ever been, had told them he wanted to at least nibble at the rare opportunity of fresh corn on the cob. Even if the very thought of food made Murdock pale and sickly. The effort was appreciated regardless.
They were passing a set of tables when they heard BA call for them to slow down so he could catch up after finishing up his business.
“Face Murdock, wait up!”
A man stood up from one of the tables to their right and laughed
“Murdock? Now there’s a name! Hey guys I think I just found the guy Jerry told me about a few years ago” he called out to some buddy’s.
Face turned to look at Murdock, the question on his tongue ready to ask if Murdock knew these people.
He was pale as a ghost. Near hyperventilation, Hands uselessly twitching with spasms at his waistband searching for the knife still in BAs pocket.
Even if it could be chalked up to Murdock not being able to stand the presence or attention of another human being other then the team after his episode the other day, the fact he was reacting so strongly and looking for that knife told face all he needed to know. Bullshit meter and all, face would never doubt his buddy for a second. These people ment bad news.
Face spun on his heel “who are you!” He demanded.
“I’m not talking to you pretty boy. Besides I ain’t no one special. But a friend of mine said Murdock was very special to him. Hey, just so you know Jerry said that was the best night of his life”
The soldiers laughed and Murdock took a half step back
Face was torn between helping his friend or shutting up these demented idiots
“Back off! Don’t make me say it again”
The man leaned forward, now talking to face “have you done it?” He jerked his head at Murdock who flinched at the motion and subtly moved behind face. “Jerry said the way he jumped at every gentle touch was the best feeling in the world. Told us it was so easy to take him. That his d-“
Face forgot BA had been trying to catch up with them and suddenly he was standing in between them all. form hulking and dangerous, his booming voice shutting everyone up and chairs scraping as the group by the tables as everyone stood up at the ready to defend themselves.
“Hey! What’s going on here. You harassing the fool?!”
The man stood tall but he didn’t look guilty and uncaring he was signing his death wish.
“Ain’t nothing happening. We just talking about the old days. Jerry told me your man made it so easy for him. All I was gonna do was tell him I wanted a turn is all”
BA growled low in warning “a turn at what? And so help me if you say what I think your about to say, I’m gonna forget we on the same side”
BA kept his eyes locked on the group, ignored the feeling of a hand dipping into his pocket as face rooted for the knife, unable to stand Murdock with the shakes again. He felt unsafe and he didn’t have what helped the feeling. Face couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want to hand it over in case he snapped again but he did anyway. at least Murdock could stare at it. Stare at the white wrapped tool instead of the group. Feel the cold metallic weight in his palm.
“A turn at a fun night with the freak show. Jerry bragged about it for months how all you had to do was pin him down just right and he’d be so-“
BA didn’t let him finish and surged forward, grabbing at the man’s shirt and slamming him down on the table, fist slamming into his face
“Cut it out!”The firm command of Colonel John Hannibal Smith seemed to echo. His eyes were ice cold as he took in the situation. Everyone snapping to attention.
BA turned to look at him, enraged beyond belief “but Hannibal, these fools are bragging about there buddy assaulting our man. I ain’t gonna stand for that”
“Even so we are adults. So act like it.” Hannibal snapped coldly and turned to the group at large. “I want your names, ranks, and then in 2 hours you will meet me in General Morrisons tent. Don’t fail to show up or I’ll make your life hell.” 2 hours to make sure Murdock wasn’t about to try and stab himself again and then Hannibal would ruin these people and anyone they were associated with.
No one moved. Hannibal snapped loudly “do you understand!”
“Yes sir!” The small group called out tensely.
“Dismissed”
Hannibal turned to face and Murdock. Ignoring BA stalking after the group for extra intimidation as they scattered. Quietly seething but not getting involved much further then that not matter how much he wanted to brake bone in that moment.
Face was attempting to calmly talk to him, trying to ground him with the only option they had. But Hannibal could see the tightness in his shoulders displaying both his worry and fury at the situation. He wanted to fight as much as BA did but his first priority always would be Murdock. He knew way back when that regardless of their rocky start, that all 4 of them would grow close. To having people to rely on. And it happened just as he predicted. Stronger even.
At least the knife had been wrapped in such a way that it wouldn’t be able to spring open as well as protect it from anyone actually directly touching the object other then Murdock. It was grasped tightly in shaking fingers. There in his hands so he could feel protected without the risk of a repeat from the other day.
Murdock had this dazed look in his eyes that told smith that he was gone. Lost in his head and letting the world go fuzzy around him. At least that’s how his captain had tried to explain it when he asked him. It wasn’t often the pilot would dissociate, let alone so deeply, but it did happen every now and again.
As if the situation they had on their hands needed to get any worse.
The more that they couldn’t avoid contact, the more that got revealed about the man without his say so himself was making him worry about Murdock. To be fair this specific incident held deeper scars. Scars that Murdock would never be able to share himself now. Scars that none of them wanted to think Murdock had to ever suffer through. And the fact the 2 events were so closely related and rattled him only days apart certainly didn’t help matters. Even so, Hannibal was getting more and more concerned with the man’s mental state.
He knew after the self harm incident that Murdock would struggle to come back to himself. The severity of the trigger correlates with how long it took Murdock to be able to stand not spinning out. Aka, the scratching and not eating thing. And with the blatant self harm and added dissociation, he was worried if he would need to intervene and get Murdock help. He didn’t want the skinny man’s weight to drop much more then it already had. Getting the man to eat or keep anything in his stomach during times like this was an impossibility, and he would MUCH rather avoid another bout of extreme arm art. The itching he let Murdock get away with. Mostly because it was the only way he could regulate himself if he got touched. As soon as he felt better he would stop. It was him trying to get his skin to feel normal again and Hannibal couldn’t bare taking something so crucial away from someone who’s brain already struggled and was broken. Hannibal had wanted to lessen the suffering but this was outside of any of their capabilities. But he also knew any attempt to get outside help would be taken negatively. Taken as Admission that he was too much for the team to handle and a betrayal of trust. Hannibal knew none of them wanted that. But these boys were important to him and he wasn’t about to sit around and do nothing.
There was no fixing anything here. But damn well was he gonna do something about it all. Murdock was a fighter. They were all fighters and survivors. They would come back from this given some time- that smith had no doubts.
But this could never happen again. He’d make sure of it.
——————//AT\\——————
Things were ok for a bit. But even Hannibal couldn’t predict everything. Everything took a turn after Baghdad. Being accused of a crime they didn’t commit just to be arrested and have the whole world against them. It was bullshit. Murdock barely managed to stand the weight against his uniform as hands ripped away his patches and wings. But he stood still. Managed to not snarl. His knife would be such a bad move in this situation. But it still left him twitchy and shaky.
It wasn’t till more officers walked over and grabbed at him that he lost it. They were going to take him back to a hospital. The place were no one cared if you didn’t like touch. Where they restrained you constantly or dragged you forcibly to where they wanted you to go all in the name of noncompliance. They still thought that doing so could contain a crazy person, holding them down and sticking needles into your skin. These officers trying to separate him from his team thought they had to drag and force him there. Didn’t even give him a chance to comply- just went straight for the jugular - attempting to restrain ‘the crazy one that’s most likely to resist so let’s lock him down before he has a chance’
“Don’t touch me!” He screeched and flailed violently, warnings firing off in his brain like rapid fire decoy flares planes use to avoid missile fire.
He saw face out of the corner of his eye shove his way over, yelling at them to let him go but he could barely sense anything past the panic thrumming through his system. There were hands all over him and it was unbearable. He fought best he could, screaming the whole way as he was dragged from the court room and away from face who was also being detained and blocked from reaching him. BA and Hannibal also fighting and yelling in outrage. They were kept in the room as Murdock was removed. His transport was already there.
There were so many body’s far to close to him. The warmth was scorching hot and he couldn’t hear his team anymore the further he was manhandled away. Couldn’t see them fighting for him.
In what felt like a blink of an eye he was firmly strapped into a straight jacket and tossed into the back of a blocky white transport van. A short strap tied to the side of the vehicle behind him to keep him chained down to one of the clasps on his back so he wouldn’t be able to move from his seat.
Left there to hyperventilate with the watching eyes of his escort.
“We need to tranq this guy. I don’t want him fighting against us again when we try to get him into the facility”
Murdock kicked out with the only limbs he had left to retaliate with but he couldn’t reach the man across from him due to effectively being leashed.
“Don’t fuckin touch me again! You hear me?! I’m like a cobra. I’ll fuckin bite you with no remorse”
His voice was warbling and shaky from the residual panic for the threat to be effective. For his warning to mean business instead of just desperate and pathetic.
He knew these people knew he was terrified. And he hated that just as much as their treatment and handling of him.
He also knew it was only going to get worse.
Stupid workers are going to try and use exposure therapy again in an attempt to brake the cycle. Try to fix him when he’s perfectly fine with who he is no matter how broken his brain is. He knew it wouldn’t work. Never had. Would only make it all worse. He was not looking forward to his immediate future. He could only hope that Hannibal would get him out of wherever he will end up quickly. Cause he doesn’t know if he can do being locked up in a mental ward again.
———/\———
“Stop moving” one of the escorts barked.
“I ain’t moving” Murdock shot back, though his whole body was shaking hard enough to rattle the chain loudly.
the younger of MPs across from him shifted uncomfortably. “He doesn’t look violent.”
A scoff from the older one who looked into Murdocks eyes all high and mighty like he was better or something. “File from our orders say psychotic episodes. History of aggression when restrained.”
Murdock huffed and glared down at his feet
“Yeah” he muttered. “Funny how that works.”
They didn’t respond further.
He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe through his nose.
In. Out. Just like how face always guided him.
It Didn’t help.
All he could feel was fabric binding his arms. Pressure across his chest.
He swallowed hard.
“Don’t tranq me” he bargained, although it sounded closer to begging. “I won’t fight if you don’t touch me.”
The man across from him raised an eyebrow.
“That’s not how this works.”
Murdock’s jaw tightened. Of course it wasn’t.
——/\——
The facility was beige. It’s Always beige no matter if it was a different building in an entirely different state.
Beige walls. Beige floors. Beige smiles.
Murdock was half dragged inside By his elbows. Knees shaking and less then helpful. The sensations flowing through him felt like limbs that had fallen asleep and he hated it. Body feeling all sorts of wrong and he just wanted it all to stop.
He kept his head held high even though he felt like everything was spinning. Reciting memorized exerts from a random Sherlock Holmes book he read as a child to try and distract himself. It wasn’t working very well because the warmth of body’s to close was glaringly obvious. Made his skin crawl like he was covered in ants and he wanted them off - wanted it all to be gone.
They crossed the doorway and stood by a desk as what felt like hundreds of people in scrubs converged on him to get him settled.
“Noncompliant on transport”the evil escort reported.
“I was perfectly compliant!”Murdock sneered. “El Diablo, You just don’t listen.”
The intake nurse approached slowly.
Too slowly. Like he was a bomb. A fake pretend look of friendship adorned on her face.
“Captain Murdock, we care about your comfort. we’re going to remove the jacket—”
fuck appeasement.
“No.”
“It has to come off.”
“No!” He looked around at all the people growing closer. Taking the jacket off ment more hands then he could bare to stand. The blood rushing through his ears made it hard to hear. The grip against his elbows tightened as he instinctively tried to pull back. He swallowed roughly and he choked on a mouthful of gathering spit. Airways began to wheeze and constrict just like the hands the longer the contact remained and his fight or flight that he had been making a monumental effort to push back was growing far to overwhelming. He couldn’t do this.
Two more orderlies stepped closer and The room tilted.
“Don’t-“ he wheezed on the growing panic “don’t do this”
They reached for him aways and he snapped.
He slammed his body against one of the 2 escorts guiding him and holding him in place trying to knock him away. The sudden movement was unexpected and the man slammed into a nearby cart.
He screamed so hard his Throat crackled. To overstimulated to even make words, just noise.
He thrashed and heard cursing. Hands grabbing at his shoulders, at the strait jacket, at his legs all in hopes to try and gain some control. Someone else attempted to pin his head in place.
“Hold him still!”
“I said DON’T TOUCH ME!”
A needle flashed into view.
He bucked violently, teeth snapping on instinct. He caught fabric, not skin, but it was close enough that someone shouted in alarm.
“Sedate him!”
The burn of the injection hit his thigh.
He fought it, and damn did he try.
Vision swimming. Limbs useless.
The air turning heavy and syrup-thick just like the thoughts in his head.
“Stop it” he slurred. Not even sure who he was talking to anymore.
The world went sideways.
and then Darkness.
——/\——
When he came to, he was strapped to a bed. Leather restraints locking his chest, wrists, and ankles in place.
The worst part about it was he couldn’t itch the lingering feeling and the sensation of needing to scratch till he went blind was so overpowering To any other thought he could possibly have that it was driving him crazy. More crazy than anyone could begin to imagine.
He didn’t even care about the frustrated tears dripped down the sides of his face. He hated this.
A doctor entered, clipboard in hand. She looked at him for a few seconds, probably psychoanalyzing him or some shit. “You’re safe here, Captain.”
Murdock laughed weakly yet the bitterness was clear.
“That’s the worst lie you could’ve picked.”
“We’re here to help you.”
“I don’t need help.”
“Considering You attacked staff, I’d say otherwise.”
“Yeah well You grabbed me.” Murdock turned his head to the wall refusing to look at her. Tried not to think about all the things she could do to him while he’s strapped down and unable to do anything about it.
The doctor sighed like this was routine.
“Well it’s here or prison. I’m sorry but you legally have to be here. Now We received your file from Mexico. It’s going to take time for you to understand that physical contact isn’t a threat but we will brake you of that and deal with your your other psychological issues. We will start with your OCD then go from there.”
Murdock’s eyes went flat. It was the scariest look he had in his arsenal. He almost never used it but when he did things never went well for whoever was on the receiving end of it.
“Physical contact” he repeated hollowly. “Is always a threat.”
The doctor scribbled something down.
“Paranoid ideation persists. I’ll alert the doctor you will be assigned to that it is also a priority issue”
“You ain’t seen nothing yet lady. And that’s a promise”
——————//AT\\——————
Braking Murdock out of the ward was easy. It was the least challenging of all there escapes considering it wasn’t a freaking prison. The main reason it was kinda difficult was because he was the last to be picked up and Sosa had beaten them there and that he was in Germany and not the states like the rest of them. To be fair though he had been transferred to many different wards during their 6 months apart. Something or other about being an uncooperative unruly patient that was unsuitable for one facility or another. Hannibal was both proud and upset by that fact. Proud of his man not making things easy for those suckers but aggravated by the fact that there was a reason for it and it was causing his boy pain.
Hannibal prided himself on thinking steps ahead. Like everything was a huge game of chess and he could strategize and predict everything that no one else could see. Even considered things happening outside of the board. Now, he had expected that things might have changed since their trial. Being wrongfully convicted would affect anyone. And how they left things as they were forcibly separated certainly also would weigh heavily. But he wasn’t ready for just how different it was. His boys came back the opposite of who they fundamentally were. Prison changed them. His sweet face was angry at him, more than he had expected him to be. Bad ass baracus went soft on him. Great for him for wanting to better his life and all but… it just felt wrong. It wasn’t him, Wasn’t BA.
He had expected Murdock to be an absolute an anxious mess. That one hadn’t surprised him. But after they got him back it became clearly apparent his headspace was somehow worse than ever. He was guarding himself against his team. Even more so than before he got to know them after the fiasco that was Mexico.
The whole Morrison reveal had not helped matters in the slightest. For any of them. His friend… that trust and devotion just to be spat in his face. For once in his life he didn’t know what to do. His confidence wavered in a way it never had before. he realized prison effected more then he thought. He never should have pushed to take the Baghdad mission.
He remembered that night Morrison pushed for a handshake from Murdock. He knew it was fishy but wrote it off. He should have seen the signs that he was turning into a traitor right before their eyes. Murdock and his ‘bad person meter’ didn’t miss it, but everyone else did. Because they thought they could trust the general. And look where it got them.
Face though, that kid made him so proud. He’d known the boy for so long and had mentored him practically from the beginning. Just like Russ had mentored him once upon a time. But the thing that made them different was he could never be selfish enough to betray what he had come to consider family.
Face had listened to all those lessons after all because while Hannibal’s brain failed him, face had a plan. A good one too.
There was just one part of the plan… it made sense logistically…
Face knew that for the plan to work they needed a proof of life for Morrison.
Murdock had offered to stand in. Which was met with immediate resistance even though in the back of all their heads they knew it was the only option. Didn’t mean they had to like it. Tried talking him out of it for hours but he stood firm.
He had assured them time and time again that he was ok with taking Morrisons place to fool lynch and pike. The vital piece to convince them into the trap. Argued That he could handle being bagged, blinded, and handcuffed. Act as bait and hope and pray that he was shot in the head where all the Kevlar was and not anywhere else that he was venerable.
But that also ment that he wouldn’t be able to see and would have to be guided and dragged around as a hostage by Hannibal to get the plan to work.
“Its not like I need to do anything other then move where you lead me. The voice box you rigged up will do all the talking. I can just go into my head and move my legs. I’ll be fine”
“It’s not fine! You shouldn’t have to do that” BA looked at Murdock like he was crazy. He was. And they both knew it. Had always known that. But this was to much even for him.
“There is no other option guys.”
“We can find one! Buddy I can’t let you do that to yourself.” Face pleaded.
“You’re not changing my mind on this. Don’t you DARE tell me what I can and can’t do. Besides it’s not any different then what my life has been like these last few months. I’ll get over it”
“Murdock…”
“I’m gonna go make the helmet thing.”
Murdock walked away, cutting off further arguments. Movements stiff and breathing just a tad too fast. Eyes a bit too wild.
He wasn’t itching. Even though in the past the very thought would have him scratching like a dog with fleas.
None of them knew if that was a good thing or if it somehow made the situation feel even worse. It certainly felt worse. Because that meant he was hiding.
It was time.
Hannibal felt like he was going to hell for this.
He himself felt vaguely sick as he lifted Murdock to his feet, guided him from the floor where he was slumped against the container as they waited for go time.
It reminded Hannibal of a fridge, How when the door is closed the light is off. That’s what putting the Kevlar helmet over Murdocks head felt like.
Like turning off a light.
He hated it probably as much as Murdock, no matter how much he was pretending it was fine. Even though smith had no doubts Murdock was so deep in his head he probably had no idea what was happening. He was akin to a puppet with no soul. The whole team hated it.
Once this was over, he was going to go to war with those hospitals for trying to change his boy. For hurting him. For making him think that he had to force himself to fit back into society. Try to ‘fix’ him. It’s not what Hannibal wanted when he recruited Murdock into the A - Team. He wanted him because Hannibal wanted the outcasts that got overlooked. He wanted the unconventional. To give them an opportunity to let loose and do what they are good at without any of the other bullshit. It’s why the team worked the way it did.
And damn everyone who tried to ruin it.
Smith tried to be strategic when it came to handling the sense blind man, keeping the contact to as much of a minimum as he could manage. Wanting to not bring more discomfort and suffering to someone who had plenty in his lifetime. Although that became an impossibility when the ship blew up and he had to navigate Murdock through the wreckage. Stumbling along hoping the others were ok.
No feeling will ever compare to seeing what you considered one of your sons get shot in the head, even if he had bullet resistant material, it was never a guarantee that there wouldn’t be lasting damage. And lynch was standing right there in arms reach. Egotistical bastard was practically asking for John to strangle him. But they needed him alive just as much as they had needed Morrison alive.
He couldn’t wait for this to be over.
——————//AT\\——————
BA eyed Murdock as he spat a large wet and dark glob at his feet. They were standing just outside the door to their room getting some fresh nighttime air. Try to help with keeping him awake both for his head and to keep watch while the other 2 slept for a few hours. His eyes still weren’t quite right. They never were but they weren’t right on him. The concussion had done a number on the man. Reminded BA a bit of an shell shocked abused dog being brought into a shelter for the first time. But he also wasn’t entirely sure if the look was there because of the head injury or because of his time stuck in a not so nice psych ward.
They had managed to escape the convoy and hunker down in a mopey little hotel just out of town. They should really have kept moving but the MPs would expect that. Besides they had injury’s to attend to. All of them were in no shape to be pushing it.
He eyed the spit puddle with suspicion. It shone red in the yellow dim overhead light.
Blood.
“You bite your tongue fool?”
Murdocks eyes seemed to look right through him. Like he was looking at a ghost that wasn’t fully present. Damn concussion.
Murdock hummed but seemed to pull in to himself. Guarded.
“you can talk to me fool. I know I’m not face but you’re still one of us. I’d listen”
Murdock blinked. The dazed foggy glaze not leaving but his guard went down.
“I know that. I trust you. I trust all of you. But only you guys.“ Murdock glared out into the darkness “only you guys. No one else”
“Ok, so what’s bothering you? Seems to me like your hanging on by a thread more then usual”
“Feels like fire. Had to hide it somehow. So I found a way.”
BA stood straighter. “You doing it on purpose?!”
Murdock stepped away from him, hands reaching for his waist band feeling threatened by the accusation even though the favored knife had been thrown out by the staff when he had been admitted after their first arrest.
“It’s the only way I could hide it! They took everything else away. All I had! I would lay there for hours strapped down unable to reach and it was the only thing I could do to help! Chew chew chew all day long. I won’t let you take this away!”
BA held his hands up in mock surrender. “Wasn’t exactly planning on it. But I don’t like it when you make yourself bleed fool. I think I speak for all of us when I say we prefer the scratching to you biting the inside of your mouth raw. Ain’t none of us gonna stop you unless you start hurting yourself to much. We understand more then you think we do”
“Your lying to Me”
BA gave him a pointed look “have I ever lied to you about something important?”
“….no”
“Then how is this any different”
“It just is”
“Whatever bullshit people tried to do to your head, forget it. We would never. You know this. If it helps you then do it. But in a way where we can keep an eye on it. Sound good?”
“You promise?” His voice was small. Like he didn’t want to believe that this was real and get his hopes up.
BA lets the growing grin stretch across his lips. “I ain’t ever brake a promise”
Murdock gives him a weak smile in return. It would be a long time for the group to find their new dynamic. To approach something close to their normal as they navigated their new reality as fugitives. But BA had no doubts that given time it would happen. He’d grown in his time away. And he was gonna help the others grow as well.
———//AT\\———
Back when they were dealing with the Morrison betrayal situation, Hannibal had said he would rather take on a firing squad than betray them. Who knew one day that very situation would threaten the team. To be fair it’s been a few years of being soldiers of fortune since then. None of them expected this would be the way their lives would go. There were times when it was less than ideal but it was also fulfilling in a way none of their army days were. Helping civilians that the law overlooked rather than fighting a war that everyone was a part of.
And there was no more risk of people betraying and burning them to ash like they had so many times before. It couldn’t happen if you only relied on yourselves. They were loyal to a fault for each other and that’s all that mattered.
They found a sort of middle ground with each other and it worked.
And over the years, they healed from the wounds being separated had given them. It was normal again. Well as normal for their rag tag team could be.
BA went back to who he was at his core, but more mindful than before but it was good for the man’s spirit. Having his van as his home base certainly went a long way with that too.
Face was back to enjoying his scams rather then being angry and spiteful every 5 seconds. Him and Hannibal learned to make plans together. The kid was finally picking the skill up rather then ignoring all of smiths advice but he still had a lot to learn.
Murdock had calmed down a lot after their time on the run. All that nervous fake enthusiasm gave way to something real and genuine. Who would have thought that if you didn’t touch the man like they would in the mental ward that he wouldn’t go out of his way to make life harder for others. And not being on a crowded base certainly went a long way in reducing accidental incidents. He got so much better about not immediately spiraling and being able to stand people in his space as long as they didn’t touch him.
BA also had face help him in recreating the lost knife that had been taken. A symbol for new beginnings and letting go of the past suffering the object represented. But something he could still find comfort in.
It was only a matter of time for their luck to run out. The firing squad fiasco was daunting. Far too close of a call. But as always they made it through.
They stood in a circle talking after the fact, waiting for their pick up.
“Face!” The voice from behind him caught him off guard. He turned, the use of his call name getting his attention as well as the pounding footsteps of someone sprinting “Huh? OOF!”
A form tackled him and he had no idea what was happening. Then he registered he was being hugged.
No. Not just that.
Murdock was hugging him.
Although hug isn’t quite the word face would go for, maybe more along the lines of desperate clinging.
All too soon the warm body pulled away, eyes wet and watery with unshead tears as the man looked into his eyes desperately checking and assuring himself that temp was ok.
Face was too stunned to respond. He watched as if far away as Murdock turned to BA and lunged for a hug with him as well but BA held his hands up, clear concern on display
“Woah! fool are you sure?”
Murdocks face crumbled and tears started falling with reckless abandon
“You idiot!”Murdock shouted and shook his head sharply and surged forward, latching onto BAs larger body.
Face and Hannibal’s shared a shocked look then turned there gaze to the near star struck baracus.
The embrace was the same as faces. Longer then any of them ever expected Murdock to be able to stand. BA could hear him counting under his breath then pulled away at 5 seconds- just the same as face. He turned to Hannibal patheticly and the older man held his arms open.
Murdock fell into the hug, face pressed into Hannibal’s chest and sobbed quietly
At exactly 5 seconds he pulled away and shivered harshly, briefly shaking out his limbs as if flinging off bugs or hands.
Face still didn’t have words. All he could manage was a soft “Why did you….”
Murdock sighed with an edge to it. Spoke far to fast trying to get them to understand. “Because I trust you guys and I was so scared I lost you. I thought you all had died. You guys dying means you would never know how much you mean to me. How much I trust and respect you. You dying means I would be all on my own. No one would ever understand my head again. If you were to die I’d let the crazy take me and I’d end up right back in a damn hospital with no purpose, forever never being listened to.”
“But you didn’t have to hug us fool. We know all that. But we’d never want to force you to put yourself in such an unnecessary position”
Murdock stomped his foot like a petulant child “you’re not listening to me! Of course I had to. You’re my family.”
Hannibal’s expression changed first. Not the amused one. Not the calculating one. The one he only wore when something fragile was happening in front of him.
“You didn’t have to hurt yourself to prove that” he said quietly.
“But I didn’t!” Murdock snapped. It was a bit too quick, too defensive. he faltered. His fingers twitched at his sleeves automatically, like he was about to dig his nails into his own arms.
All three of them saw it. But all he did was grab a handful of his jacket instead.
“Not with you guys.” He swallowed hard, fingers trembling from how hard he was clutching at the leather. “I… I could manage 5 seconds for each of you. I had to! I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I could never bring myself to… I just needed to know.”
“Know what?”
“That you guys are safe.” The words held so many different meanings but ultimately ment the same thing.
For a bunch of strong macho army men, it was a struggle not to be misty eyed.
“Don’t die ok?” Murdock sniffed
“Never. Not if there’s a possibility of hugs in the future” face smiled, making sure to look at Murdock and make it clear it wasn’t an expectation. That only if he decided he was ready again and it would be welcomed. But that he never had to force himself into it
BA snorted “hey don’t make it weird man”
Hannibal watched in exasperation when he saw the shit eating grin face had. “Does bosco not like hugs or something? Maybe we should fix that!” Face lunged at BA and they tussled. Face egging the larger man on as they wrestled each other.
Murdock laughed watching them. And Hannibal smiled as he watched the pilot narrate like a sports commentator.
yeah. Everything worked out just fine.
boy does he love it when a plan comes together.