Chapter Text
Somehow, Pomni almost thought the last time she self-harmed would be the last. Maybe it was because of her newfound connection, or maybe because she had gone to bed happy, or maybe she had really thought it would be a one time thing. Either way, she’s finding now – two days later – that that’s certainly not the case.
It’s long past curfew and Pomni is curled up in her bed, but she’s far from asleep. She lays awake, wide-eyed, staring at her wall. Her throat feels too tight, her lungs burn, her thoughts swirl with a mix of distressing emotions. She needs to make it stop. Her fingers, pressed against the bedspread, twitch. She feels like a caged animal, being suffocated by her blanket. Closed in.
She knows how to make it stop.
Pomni stumbles off the bed and palms around underneath it. Her fingers close around her shard of glass. She’d collected it during an adventure, when Jax shattered a glass NPC to smithereens for fun. It’s mostly clear but it has the very faintest green sheen to it. Now, though, it also has a red stain where she’d… used it. She’s going to brighten the stain tonight.
Pomni isn’t quiet on her way to the bathroom, now. Her panicked breathing and the slamming of her heartbeat is loud enough to muffle everything around her. She staggers into the bathroom, trips, and finds herself on the ground. It doesn’t matter. She kicks the door shut, and then she’s stripping down, stress sharpening every time her fingers slip and her progress seems to revert. She feels pathetic. Useless. Incapable.
Last time, every step took minutes. She braced herself throughout it, she had a process, she had patience. This time, everything is a blur. She doesn’t remember wedging herself under the sink, her back against the wall. Her thoughts only start to collect when the glass flicks against her skin. The pain trickles in, slowly drowning out her thoughts, dragging them under the tide. She cuts and cuts, blood running down her thighs, down her hips, leaking onto the ground.
She muffles her sobs against her wrist, her whole body shaking. She cuts too high once, and then twice, and she can’t bring herself to stop. She can’t bring herself to care.
Pomni’s head begins to clear, but she keeps slashing the glass against her skin. Her ‘skin’. It becomes useless, no longer serving a process. She doesn’t care. She–
“Pomni?”
Pomni’s breath catches. It’s Caine, it has to be– it’s Gangle, or Zooble, or Jax, or–
Ragatha. It’s Ragatha. Tears well up again, rolling down her cheeks, dripping from her chin. The movement of her wrist slows. Ragatha bends down and crawls under the sink after her, but Pomni can’t see her through her tears. It’s all a blur of white tiles and red and blue and beige. A hand wraps around her wrist.
“Pomni.” Ragatha repeats, gently. “Stop. Please, stop. Give it to me, please. Pomni.”
She hiccups, letting her hand unravel and the shard drops into her grip. It’s taken away from her. Pomni’s hand rests flat against her cuts, covering it in sticky red blood. She’s trying to hide. “I’m- [BOINK], [BOINK] I c–.” She breaks off into crying. Her brain has shifted from a crashing, swirling, spiraling mess to a useless puddle. She can’t form words.
Ragatha’s arm wraps around her shoulders. She doesn’t pull her closer but Pomni falls against her shoulder as if she’s been commanded. She holds her – not caging, not limiting, but softly grounding – as Pomni shakes with full-chested weeps. They just lay there.
Pomni starts to come to her senses after almost an hour. She wipes the tears from her face with the back of her hand, her breaths shaky. Her vision clears. She looks down at the mess she’s made, and she sees that the way she’s huddled up has made faint red splotches on Ragatha’s legs. Stains. “I- I’m sorry.”
Ragatha shakes her head, which Pomni only knows because she can feel her hair brush against her head. She won’t look at her. She isn’t capable. “It’ll wash out.” She says. Quiet, soothing.
Pomni sniffles, accompanied by a self-disgusted shiver. She feels so immature – a crying breakdown? Really? “No, not.. not just about that. About… bothering you like this. I didn’t– I’ll do better. I’m sorry.”
Ragatha sighs. The hand not around Pomni’s shoulders comes down and rests over hers – over her cuts. The red oozes further. “Listen, Pomni, I… know how it feels, feeling like… you can’t stop. I don’t blame you for it. But… next time- if there is a next time… could you come to my room.. first?” She softly takes Pomni’s hand and turns it, lacing their fingers together. When she continues, her tone is lighter. “I- I still have some Stupid Sauce. Maybe we could.. get stoned, or something.”
Pomni breathes a laugh. “Yeah… sure.”
Ragatha leans closer and smiles. Quietly, with no fanfare, no special announcement, she leans in and kisses her on the shoulder. The second kiss between them both. Pomni closes her eyes and melts into it. Into her. She feels calm. She knows they’ll have to clean up in a moment, but for now this is all she needs. For now, Ragatha is all she needs.