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You knew better than to do it, and yet you did so anyway.
That was always the trouble with you - your impulses and desires could sway you without any further consideration. You weren’t foolish enough to assume there were no consequences for your actions, but there were many moments in which you simply decided they were worth the risk.
And, thus, here you were, sneaking Adam into the abbey late into the evening, his large hand enveloping yours as you dragged him along. The two of you moved carefully, footfall gentle as you crept down empty halls with ears perked for any sign of trouble. Even after all this time, you were mesmerized by his careful nature, how his towering body moved with the fluidity of a cat’s.
This friendship with Adam was a risky thing, you knew as much from the start. But you had always been a curious one, willing to go the furthest of miles when something captured your attention.
All those months ago, it was Adam that drew your curiosity. Back when he was just a silhouette amongst the trees, creeping around the abbey grounds when all were meant to be asleep. Back when you tracked the shapeless shadow into the woods, painstakingly gaining his trust with your wonder and patience.
Even still, though, you knew how nervous you made him. Or rather, how nervous his entire existence was. As time went on - as you brought him vegetables from the gardens and kept him company along the riverbank - Adam revealed to you things that no one else alive knew. He explained his making with a particular shame, shared his pains and losses without daring to meet your eye. For how could a prospective nun look upon him as anything other than a damnedable monster?
But you were no such nun. And even after all this time, you were under the impression that Adam almost couldn’t believe it.
In turn, you, too, shared with him. You told of how you were sent away as a child due to unruliness, how you came to be a novice disciple of God though your heart wasn't truly in it. How you were at odds with yourself every day, torn between the promised life of devotion and the possibility of a life well-lived instead.
But it was evident you were unburdened when compared to your only friend. And so, you tried to alleviate those pains of his as best you could.
Many nights, you’d sneak out to find Adam at the river or the tiny abandoned shack he’d made his home. While going about your duties around the abbey, your attention would often drift to the woods, searching till you found your unrevealed companion camouflaged amongst the foliage.
It was no secret that you were distracted and preoccupied. To date, you’d lost track of all the conversations you’d had with Mother Superior - they had started to blend together after a while. She lectured you on the importance of your devotion, on the folly of diversions. But the words went in one ear and out the other, having the opposite effect in that they made you even more devoted to Adam’s companionship instead of the God you were intended to worship.
You were inexplicably drawn to him, as if by a taut thread pulling you closer each day. Though raised in the abbey, you weren’t a fool - you knew what it meant to feel these butterflies in your chest each time you looked upon his beautifully imperfect face, to feel the swell of heat in your stomach with each of his nervous smiles or gentle laughs, the shiver up your spine when he gazed back with that intense curiosity of him.
Yes, you knew exactly what you felt towards Adam. And although your life was not meant to have room for such romantic inclinations, you could no longer bury this ever expanding feeling.
You were going to tell him as much tonight.
Your nerves were like a swarm of bees, buzzing in your head and through your limbs, though you tried in vain to keep calm. As you two wove through the darkened halls, you squeezed his cold hand tighter, drawing him close to whisper stories about the rooms you were showing him or an anecdote about paintings you passed by.
He took particular interest in the chapel, a space you had come to take for granted in your time here at the convent. Watching Adam’s wondrous eyes taking in the stained glass and intricate statues was enough to make you sigh with utter longing; the look of reverence in his expression was beautifully devastating in a way you simply couldn’t describe. It stirred sinful thoughts, though not of the impassioned kind - no, as you looked upon him, you felt with utter certainty that Adam must have been an angel, a higher form.
Once you’d safely shown him each and every thing that caught his eye, you stepped out into the courtyard, knowing it best not to push your luck. Already, you two had lingered too long in the confines of the stifling abbey - though stunning, every minute within its walls put you more and more on edge. For it wasn’t the building itself that troubled you, but the people within. You were certain that should anyone see Adam, it would spell the end for you both.
As you enjoyed the crisp midnight air, slowly meandering around the courtyard like two children who never wanted the evening to end, your heart drummed faster. You needed to tell Adam of your feelings, if for no other reason than to relieve yourself of their weight. But how could you live with it should he turn you away? No amount of confessions or prayers could remove the ache you felt for him deep within your chest.
You watched Adam as he admired the fountain at the center of the yard, eyes studying each little cherubic statue, fingertips grazing gently along the water’s surface. Overhead, bats flew about, the sound of their little squeaks drawing his curious gaze. It was both youthful and ancient the way that he looked upon the world, like someone who understood nothing and yet everything more deeply than any other creature that had walked the earth. Watching him made you both wildly nervous and completely at ease.
You cleared your throat, not for Adam’s attention but as some measly way of bolstering your confidence. Looking around yourself, your eyes flitted from window to window, prepared to protect your gentle giant should anyone else show their face.
Impulsively, you hiked your skirt and stepped up onto a nearby bench, the motion drawing Adam’s deep, dark eyes towards you. Suddenly, you felt ridiculous standing up here, making yourself his height like some silly child’s play. But you'd already done it, so there was nothing to do but follow through with all the confidence you could muster. The way he eyed you curiously caused your heart to jolt nervously.
“Adam, will you come here?” Your voice was just above a whisper, your hand held out in request. Without any question, he rose from his crouch and crossed towards you in a few long strides. Standing before you, Adam’s lovely stare searched your face, to which you felt flush despite the shiver up your spine.
You licked your dry lips, tentatively raising a hand between you two; at least it was steady, as you half expected yourself to shake. He watched, brows turning down as you set your palm against his jaw, thumb brushing along his cheek. The contact of hot to cold skin would likely always shock you. As Adam ever so slightly leaned against your touch, your chest began to feel frenzied.
“If you may lend a sympathetic ear… I have something to admit.” You started, luckily sounding far more certain than you felt, sounding confident in spite of utter trepidation.
Adam nodded, cold cheek rubbing gently into your palm, “I will always listen.”
Your chest swelled at the fidelity in his tone, the totality of him and his words. Had he any idea the effect he had upon you? Swallowing your nerves, your eyes dropped for a moment as you tried to recall how you rehearsed this conversation to go. But now in the moment, your head was scrambled, and so you looked back up through your lashes.
“I… Well, I have something to confess.”
Adam smiled so very sweetly, your word choice evidently amusing him, “Is that not an act reserved for your church?”
You couldn’t help but smile back bashfully, a nervous laugh in your throat. Oh, how you adored the way he’d come out of his shell with you, how he’d slowly revealed a sense of humor that you found utterly charming, “Yes, well, we both know how closely I follow the sacred order of the church.”
Adam watched you earnestly, tenderly; sometimes it felt as if he could see straight into your soul, see into the deepest parts of you without trying. Those careful, attentive eyes caused you to draw in a deep breath, goosebumps teasing along your flesh.
You pressed your hand more firmly to his cheek as you spoke his name like a sacred prayer, “Adam… you are my only friend, you know that?”
His brow rose with uncertainty, perhaps even apology or doubt, head turning in the direction of the abbey, “With all this company, you call no one else a friend?”
You shook your head, grinning without amusement, “Surely not - no one wants to be friends with a troublemaker. But you… you understand me, Adam.”
He looked so soft and sweet as he stared back at you, studying your expression and the sincerity in your gaze, “And with you, I, too, feel understood.”
Your chest swelled with a deep intake of breath, heart thrumming loudly. Biting the inside of your cheek, you searched his eyes for certainty; your thumb tenderly ran along the scar across his cheekbone, hand slowly inching lower to his jaw. You two did not touch often - Adam was so afraid to break you, and you approached him as one would a skittish animal. To enjoy the touch of his imperfect skin felt so full of sin, and you feared that now having a taste for it, you wouldn’t be able to stop.
“I need you to know I speak with complete honesty,” You said gently, letting your fingertips graze along his jawline; the faintest flutter of his eyes nearly caused you to pull back, as if even his enjoyment of your touch was enough to make you dizzy. But with a long breath, you held there, braving the intimacy by placing your opposite hand to cheek as well, “I mean every word of what I’ve said and will say.”
Oh, his eyes were so doe-like, wet and gentle and so sweet that you could have melted. He simply stared at you for what felt like a lifetime, taking in your expression studiously, gaze mapping from eye to eye, from nose to parted lips. It was enough to make you shiver.
Squaring your shoulders, you tried your best to ignore the rush of blood in your ears. You waited a moment longer as if to leave room for Adam to speak, but his expression showed how intent he was to listen.
Opening your mouth, you paused a beat longer, gaze diverting nervously as you felt both too hot and too cold with anxiety, “I… have come to care for you quite deeply, Adam.”
When you dared to look at his face again, you caught a flash of knowing, a flash of fear. He hardened ever so slightly, subtle enough that even you nearly missed it; but it was that rare gleam in his eye, the flex of his jaw in your hands that gave it away. With another long inhale, you held his face more firmly, assuredly.
“And by saying as much,” You hoped the quiver of your voice was undetectable, “… I mean that I feel for you in a way that no nun should.”
Your knees shook beneath your robes, your throat growing dry with nerves. Shamefully, you dropped your head, biting your lip at the silence stretching out between you. There you two stood for what felt like an eternity, your hands continuing to cradle Adams’s jaw, fearful that pulling away would shatter this fragile moment into a million pieces.
Dear God, he was so still and silent. You began to wonder if this was a mistake, if you’d gone and ruined everything with your honesty. It would have been best to keep your sinful thoughts to yourself - at least then you and Adam could have carried on as you were. You’d gone and ruined everything now.
The feel of damp trailing onto your fingertip caused you to release the breath you hadn’t realized you were holding. Slowly, you peered back up through your lashes; a single, salty track ran down Adam’s cheek. He stared upon your face, eyes shining with unshed tears, lips slightly parted with uncertainty, brows downturned. The expression was utterly devastating, causing guilt to tug at your insides.
Tenderly, you swiped at the tear trail, the need to comfort him outweighing your fears. Coming back to yourself, you held his cheeks firmly, biting your lip again while searching his expression, “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Though he had appeared forlorn, his expression quickly morphed with concern. Like a curious creature, his head tilted, leaning further into your palm as he studied you; gone was the supposed sadness, replaced with attentive thoughtfulness.
“No,” he started in a low voice, carefully deciding his words, “Speaking so is no wrongdoing. But… I am not made to be… loved.”
His final word was a whisper, one that shot like an arrow through your heart. Your brow furrowed determinedly, fingers flexing assuredly along his jaw. Something protective came over you, Adam’s own self-loathing so at odds with how you saw him.
“You don’t get to decide that.” You answer firmly yet gently, leaning towards him ever so for emphasis, “What I feel for you is not in spite of who you are, but because of it.”
Adam stared back at you with something like disbelief in his features, as if he was afraid to believe your words, afraid of the possibilities behind them. Afraid to show himself grace.
With a melancholy exhale, he dropped his eyes; unexpectedly, his large hands rose to cover your own, engulfing them with gentle affection, “I cannot come between you and your devotion.”
Your lips pressed into a tense line, heart fluttering, “Adam… I do not need vows or a habit to prove anything. My devotion is you.”
The weight of your words hung between you, his gaze jumping back to yours with disbelief. You knew what he was thinking, all the fears he’d expressed to you in all these months - that he was undeserving of affection, that he was too great a danger, that inevitably he’d only cause harm. He was an endless expanse of possibilities, yet he struggled to see beyond his flaws.
You gently pressed your forehead to his, the both of you taking in a nervous breath. It was so bold of you to continue initiating contact like this, causing warmth to rise up your neck, even as you gently whispered, “What must I do?”
Adam nuzzled cat-like into your palms, lashes fluttering closed, “I ask nothing of you.”
“Then,” your nose brushed his, goosebumps breaking out at the feel of his breath against your skin, “allow me to ask only one thing of you.”
“Anything.”
“Let yourself be loved.” In spite of the tension, the rapid beating of your heart, and nerves clouding your head, the corner of your mouth quirked into a smile, “By me?”
A faint rumble of a laugh sounded in Adam’s chest. His fingers dragged down the back of your hands, along your wrists and forearms; he traced absent, feather light patterns atop your skin before his fingers gently clung to your wrists. His silence in this moment spoke loudly - it was trepidation and uncertainty, it was longing and needy. You waited, breath mingling with his, hands still holding his face with reverence.
Adam shifted smally, nose bumping yours, mouth so close that you could practically taste him. You sucked in a breath, heart skipping once more in anticipation, knowing what you wanted from him, yet fearing even something so simple as affection may overwhelm the both of you.
Oh, how easily you could close this gap between you - how easy to give into the desires you were taught to be sacrilegious. But the two of you remained like statues, breathing in one another’s air, savoring the stillness. Neither you nor Adam had the necessary confidence or boldness for whatever was happening between you. But for him, you could try.
Yet as you considered this, it seemed that God was watching. The sound of a heavy door scraping atop stone disrupted the moment, causing you to gasp and startle, Adam tensing under your touch.
But his tautness gave way to speed the likes of which you’d never seen, his arms swiftly wrapped around your middle and effortlessly carrying you off towards a darkened corner of the courtyard. There, he tucked the two of you against the wall, out of view from the main terrace, partially obscured by a sturdy tree. You were swept off your feet so quickly, and finally catching up with yourself, you felt the need to catch your breath.
“Who is out here!?” The voice of the Abbess called out. Your heart stalled as you held your breath, certain that the two of you would be found out. Adam carefully kept you pinned between himself and the brick at your back; now that you were no longer standing atop a bench, his size was nearly overwhelming, much like the first time you met. For a long beat, the night was utterly still, not even wind or critters making a sound.
The Abbess’s footfall was nearly inaudible, but the faint light of her torch appeared to move closer; you found yourself shrinking back. Hovering around you, Adam inched closer almost imperceptively, drawing nearer and nearer to shroud you. God, please let your hiding spot remain unfound - though, you had little right to ask God for anything right now.
You tipped your head back to peer up into Adam’s face; he watched the courtyard over his shoulder with unblinking intensity. As he’d told you, he was accustomed to being concealed, to making himself small and undetectable, to hiding in plain sight. In that, you were grateful for his dark hair that obscured his pale face, for his black attire that disappeared into shadow.
The light grew closer still. From beneath Adam’s arm, the Abbess finally came into view, not so close that you were terrified, yet close enough to make you worry. You took in a deep gasp of air, and Adam pressed closer, his large frame entering your eyeline; your cheek brushed his chest, your bodies not even an inch apart.
It felt like an eternity until the Abbess finally retreated, evidently satisfied that the trespasser had disappeared. Even still, you didn’t release your breath until you heard the sturdy door closer behind her.
Adam righted himself, putting space between the two of you, gentle, cautious eyes finding yours in the dark. In spite of the stress that had coiled through your body - for if you had been found, you couldn’t imagine the punishment - you realized that a smile had split across your lips, a laugh escaping you.
For a moment, all Adam could do was stare, as if utterly mesmerized by the unexpected joy in your face. In the next, though, he too smiled, hesitant yet beautiful, eyes twinkling. You had to press your hand over your mouth for fear that your giggling might grow too loud, that you might be found out for good this time. And doing so only seemed to delight Adam more, his gaze tender and even enchanted.
As your laughter quieted, you found yourself in awe of Adam, much the same way he was in awe of you. The unguarded curiosity in his eyes, the ardent warmth of his face; you were struck by him in that moment, as you often were.
With steady gaze, Adam gently, slowly reached for you, fingertips stroking down your cheek, jaw, and neck. His touch was so light that your eyes fluttered, that you felt a chill left behind the trail of his fingers. You tipped your head to one side, exposing the length of your neck to him, yearning for his touch with a warmth inside you that you were ever so unfamiliar with.
Adam’s digits splayed from pulse point to collarbone careful as ever, handling you like a porcelain doll. His fingertips brushed through your hair, feeling it in his palm momentarily before letting it fall; he trailed back up your neck, softly grasping your chin between forefinger and thumb.
Unconsciously, your lips parted as you gazed upon him with hooded eyes. It was nearly absurd how you melted beneath Adam’s touch, how the simple act of human contact was enough to make you feel profane. But this was not just a case of physical contact, it was one of besotted regard, one of loving worship. It made your chest flutter and your body shiver; it made you want nothing more than to completely melt into the angelic man before you and never let go.
Adam’s head cocked in that way that always made you smile, his usual look of learning softened into an expression of predilection. His eyes roved about your face slowly and steadily, drinking you with absolute focus; when that handsome stare of his finally settled upon your mouth, you had to refrain from drawing in a deep sigh.
“I…” He started, eyes finally flicking back up to yours, studying them for a stretch as he found his words. His hand trailed along your jaw again, “I am afraid.” You simply nodded, understanding all the weight behind those three little words, “I can hardly bear the thought that your life may feel… unfulfilled with me.”
Now, you shook your head in disagreement, about to speak, but Adam continued, “Yet I crave you like a man starved of a meal. All this time spent with your company, your curiosity, your care… I’ve grown selfish for your attention.”
The corner of your mouth curved with an affectionate smile, gazing upon Adam with the warmth of the sun. Mirroring him, you reached up to cradle his cheek in your hand again.
You weren’t sure what possessed you at that moment. But with a boldness unbecoming of a novice, you pressed towards Adam, not quite close enough to touch, feeling your cheeks flare with heat as you all but purred the blasphemous words, “If you are starved, then consume me.”
There was a beat of inaction between you, the both of you waiting for the other to take the lead. Inside you, a hint of embarrassment sat, as if suddenly feeling shame that you were a grown woman without any experience in this regard.
Yet, that isn’t how Adam looked upon you; no, in his face you only saw endearment, infatuation. His hand left your jaw, carefully dragging down your neck and arm as he lowered his staggering frame. All you could do was wait with baited breath as his arms gently encased you, lifting you as if you weighed nothing, supporting you between his body and your back against the wall. Steadying yourself, you braced your arms around his neck, fingers teasing at his tendrils of unruly hair.
Face to face again, Adam drank in your features less shamefully than he ever had before. Curiously, his nose trailed along the apple of your cheek, over your jaw, to the crook of your neck; when he took in a deep breath of you, of your scent, it took everything in your power not to moan at the intimacy of it.
You cradled the back of Adam’s head as he drew back up towards you, looking between your eyes and your lips. You noted fondly that it almost appeared as if he was waiting for permission, waiting to ensure that this is exactly what you wanted. You couldn’t help but smile warmly, biting your lip gently as you regarded his sweetness.
So, you pressed that little bit closer, your stomach twisting and heart thudding as you breathed in one another, noses brushed, his hair tickling your face. You lingered, so very close again, tasting him just like before - but this time, you intended to get your fill.
Your lips faintly grazed against Adam’s, not quite a kiss, the both of you suspended in your inexperience. But even that naive contact was enough to send a thrill shooting up your spine, for a gasp to catch in your throat. You held Adam tenderly, hands in his hair, fingers pressing to the back of his neck.
And finally you closed that gap between you, mouth moving against his with a certainty you didn’t know was within you, a deep sigh of contentment escaping you. Beneath your touch, Adam first went rigid for a moment before his body melted, shoulders losing their tension and mouth melding to yours. His chest swelled with longing, fingers carefully flexing against your back, kissing you with soft hesitation.
God, you felt dizzy with exhilaration, one hand knotting into Adam’s hair as you pressed your mouth hungrily to his, the scar over his lip enticing you for more. He was still so very gentle with you, his kiss cautious and tender, his hold on you sturdy but controlled.
Some inner instinct must have taken you over, because it felt as if you’d always known how to kiss, the way your mouth moved with Adam’s was so right and easy and unabashed. A coil felt as if it was winding tight in your stomach, a force pushing down inside you. When a low moan hummed in your chest, Adam flexed against you, arms tightening around your middle, his body pressing closer with abandon.
You could feel the textured brick rubbing into your shoulders, strands of your hair catching on it, but you found a certain thrill in it. Adam’s touch was careful still, yet the position you two were in teased at some part of your desires - so easily, he could dominate you here, so easily you could be at his will. That coil wound ever tighter, the thought drawing another whimper from you.
In turn, a similarly low groan of inclination rumbled in Adam’s chest, the feel of it against yours causing your eyes to roll back. Tentatively, you began to hike your leg up the length of Adam’s thigh, going until you could hook your calf and ankle around his waist, squeezing him with encouragement as you held him tighter. He kissed you with greater earnestness, lips no longer unsure or hesitant as he freed one of his hands from your waist so he could cup your cheek with sweet desire.
You knew with absolution that you could stay exactly like this all night if Adam would allow, wrapped around him and kissing him as if he was the air you breathed, the water quenching your thirst. Yes, you could all too easily stay like this forever. Nothing else in the world existed to you - it was you and Adam, the feel of his hands, the touch of his lips, the aching deep inside you.
It was only by Adam’s will that your mouths eventually separated, foreheads pressed together as you gasped one another’s air, lips still close enough to brush as you whispered airily, “Did I do something wrong?”
He hummed smally, contently; his lips curved into a faint smile against yours, “You could do nothing wrong.”
The plain honesty of his words caused your cheeks to flare with heat, an effacing grin across your face. His mouth hovered over yours a moment, as if considering whether or not to kiss you again; evidently, he thought better of it, carefully lowering you back to your feet. You tried not to frown as you withdrew your hands, adjusting your rumpled dress.
Adam’s fingers still lingered along your jaw, his eyes so studious upon your face as you stared up through your lashes. He leaned over you slowly, pressing his lips to your hairline for a single, devoted kiss; he lingered, taking a deep breath of your scent again before he righted himself.
You bit your tongue for fear of blurting out endless adorations, wishing for nothing more than to shower Adam with all the love he so deserved. You set your palms lightly to his chest as you continued gazing into his beautiful face, full of words and yet not knowing what to say.
Cupping your cheek steadily, Adam began in a reverent whisper, “If I could promise you the world, I would… All I can promise is my fidelity, that I will dote on you so long as you will have me.”
An ardent smile spread wide across your face as you leaned into his touch; every word out of his mouth made your heart grow even fonder, made your yearning even greater.
Standing tall, your fingers fussed with the collar on his coat, a tinge of amusement in your tone, as if he was crazy to suggest you may change your mind in the future, “Adam, there will never come a day on which I will no longer have you. You are mine, now and always; and I am yours.”