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"I never should have given up Rindy for you!"
A harsh silence filled the kitchen, Carol regretting the words as soon as they fell from her lips. Even more when she seen how quickly Therese's face fell and how the young woman struggled to keep it together.
The two hardly ever fought and even when they did, they would talk it over, refusing to go to bed angry at each other no matter what the case was. Tonight seemed to start as their usual bickering, but it escalated to something more. Other couples- normal couples may hurt each other and be hateful, but never them. Therese always thought they were different.
"Therese..." Carol whispers, eyes wide with worry and reaching out, but stopping herself halfway. "Angel, I didn't- I didn't mean that." She took a step towards her, but Therese stepped back, eyes swimming in doubt and pain. Pain that Carol caused and that alone made her feel sick. "Please don't look at me like that." Her voice cracks, heart aching as the brunette stood silently, brewing in her internal turmoil.
Therese felt each wound, that after years of being with Carol had finally scabbed over, tear open at once. She didn't want to cry, she was angry. She was supposed to stay angry, dwell on her self pity later away from Carol's observant eyes that were burning a hole through her hazel ones. Carol had always assured her over the years that losing Rindy was never her fault, that it never was. Therese was slowly accepting it, was close to believing it, but now any progress that Carol had made with her had broke apart at her words and fell like dust to the pit of Therese's stomach.
"Sweetheart?" Carol felt awful and Therese could see it written all over her face, but she couldn't find it in her to let it slide. Not this time.
"I thought you wanted me to come back." Therese finally mutters, voice wobbling and hands shaking in fists as her sides, digging her nails into her skin. "That you wanted us to try again."
"I did." Carol insists, almost pleading with her as tears brim over her eyes. "I still do, I love you."
"But you said-"
"I didn't mean it, Therese. I love my daughter, but that doesn't mean I ever regret you." Carol was one step away from either getting on her hands and knees or bursting into sobs. Therese only felt her heart break more when she took a step back and Carol's eyes stormed over in guilt and concern.
This was it, Carol thought. She ruined everything.
"Angel, please." She whispers, her own tears finally falling and matching the ones on Therese's cheeks.
"You always told me that it wasn't my fault, that I was never the reason Rindy was taken from you." Therese felt her insecurities that once were hidden and locked away, slowly bursting to the surface and suffocating any logical thought she could make.
"It isn't- it was never your fault, Therese." Carol pled, reaching out and relieved when she allowed her to hold her hand, to cradle and comfort whatever she could get from her. "I didn't mean what I said, it wasn't true."
"Then why did you say it?" Therese shoved her hand out from her hold, surprising the older woman. "If you didn't mean it- if it wasn't true, why did you say it?"
"Therese, angel, please listen to me-" Carol begs, heart dropping when the young woman started to turn to walk down the hallway and Carol couldn't help the flame of anger that sparked in her chest. "Really, Therese, there's no need to be so childish about this." Therese halted just outside the bedroom, hand gripping the door knob hard when she looked back up at the older woman, a cold glare on her face. Carol immediately schooled her expression, ashamed to see the unshed tears that pooled in her eyes and mentally scolding herself for worsening the situation.
"I'm just a child, right?" Therese bites back, trying to be angry but the waver in her voice betrayed her. Her knuckles grew white from the grip she had on the door.
"Therese-"
"A child who didn't have a mind of her own, who followed you around constantly like a lost puppy thinking you were the only person I ever thought cared about me." The brunette hardened her stare, fighting back the sob that clawed up her throat as her tears finally fell. "A child who was incapable of saying no to you when you asked me to go with you on that trip." Therese knew it was a low blow, but she couldn't find it in her to stop either. Not even when Carol was near tears, stormy eyes pleading for her to stop and listen.
"Is that why you left without waking me? Wrote a letter to hand over to Abby since you couldn't talk to me instead? Since I was just a child who wouldn't understand?" Therese wasn't yelling- she never yelled, but the raise in her voice made Carol uneasy. She hated it.
"That isn't why, I couldn't-" Carol was grasping at strings, attempting to weave them into something plausible; to tie back together whatever trust she had broken.
"You were the one who left me alone, naked in a motel bed for Abby to drive me back home." The words were blunt and harsh. But nothing compared to the pain that blossomed in Carol's chest when Therese slowly started to break. "I thought that night, after everything with Harge and that detective- I knew it was my fault because I can never say no. Not to you." Her hand loosened on the door as her breath hitched, the other brushing away tears before Carol could. "And maybe I didn't understand the consequences, I didn't know what all I could risk between you and Rindy."
"Angel..." Carol went to reach out, to cup her face and take away the pain and anguish Therese felt, but it only upset her more.
"No, you don't get to stand here and tell me that I'm acting like a child!" Therese ignored her hand, opening the bedroom door to go in and cool off. Carol quickly reached over and slammed the door closed before she could.
"I am not letting you walk away from this!" Carol says firmly, narrowing her eyes. Therese clenched her fists, nails digging into skin as she stared at her, the fire in her chest about to boil over. "Not until we talk."
"You walked away from me- abandoned me the moment things got too hard for you." Therese snarled, pushing the door open again. "I don't remember having a talk beforehand."
Carol watched her disappear into the room, slamming the door behind her and leaving the woman alone in the hallway. Therese knew she was waiting outside the door, contemplating whether it would be right to follow her or leave her alone and part of Therese hoped she would do the latter. Subconsciously though, she waited for the door to open.
~~~
Carol was on her third glass of rye by the time she had finished dinner. Therese never left the bedroom during that time span and Carol couldn't find the courage to go in and check on her. The past two hours were spent alone making a grand meal in hopes to apologize for what had been said, now here she was sipping at her glass and figuring out how to approach her. Carol was well aware of the young woman's insecurities, knew how Therese struggled to accept the fact that the custody battle with Rindy was never her fault- would never be. But it wasn't childish how she felt and Carol scowled towards herself when she thought more about what she said. Scooting her drink aside, she turned out of the kitchen and down the hall of the apartment, stopping just outside the room. Taking a deep breath, she lightly knocked on the door.
"Therese?" She waited for a response, letting out a shaky sigh when she didn't receive any. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I have dinner ready, please come out?" Still no reply. Carol hesitated, waited just a moment more before gently cracking the door open. The soft, orange glow of the lamp lit the bedroom and only after Carol's eyes adjusted did she realize Therese was asleep. Supper now forgotten, she quietly shut the door behind her and stepped over to the side of the bed, careful not to wake her as she layed down across from her. Keeping a small -but painful- distance between them, Carol noticed the angry red patches around her eyes and nose, fingers twitching to reach out and hold her closer. Forcing her hands to stay put, Carol grabbed the throw blanket at the foot of the sheets and carefully draped it over Therese. She stirred for just a second, enough to cause Carol to falter as apologies started forming on her tongue, but the woman went back to sleep. Letting out a shaky sigh, Carol layed there for a while longer, gaze never leaving the brunette even when she knew the food was left sitting out in the kitchen. She couldn't find it in her to care, the fear eating away at her in the pit of her stomach made her incapable of having an appetite anyways. Would Therese even want her here? Carol thought about leaving, to give her space to cool off before anything more hurtful could be said. But what if she woke up alone and confused, thinking that Carol had left her? Just as she had in Waterloo?
"You walked away from me- abandoned me the moment things got too hard for you."
No, Carol couldn't do that. She refused to keep walking away.
~~~
Therese woke up, squinting from the light that still shined from the nightstand, when she felt something -or more like someone- beside her. She blinked, head groggy from sleep and found Carol sleeping next to her. A faint heat traveled to her cheeks, noticing the blanket tucked around her that she knew she didn't unfold herself. A bit hurt at the space between them, Therese glanced down and delicately rested her hand overtop hers, not wanting to wake her and make her more angry than she was earlier. Slowly looking back up at her, she was startled to see stormy blue eyes watching her, Carol's expression unreadable. Therese grew uneasy, about to pull her hand away when Carol twined her fingers with hers, stopping her. The older woman slowly sat up, Therese scared for a moment thinking she would leave before warm arms circled around her waist as Carol rest her head against her chest with a sigh. The tension was still there, the aftermath of their argument still lingering in the air, but that didn't stop the young woman from melting against her touch and pull her closer.
"I'm sorry." Carol whispers, nuzzling her neck and letting a shaky breath out, heat building behind her eyes. Therese didn't recoil, bringing a hand up to run through blonde curls, each stroke releasing some of the tension in Carol's system. "I'm so sorry, angel." Carol let the tears fall gradually, face hidden against Therese's hair. Her shoulders trembled, beckoning the woman to hold her tighter, to never let go.
"I'm sorry too." Therese speaks quietly, but her voice was still guarded, unsure. "I shouldn't have snapped at you." She pauses, figuring out what to say.
"But?" Carol gently pushes, thumb nervously rubbing patterns over the brunettes hip.
"I want you to talk to me." Therese admits, voice more vulnerable than she liked and glanced off towards the corner of the room. "I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight -I don't like hurting you." She emphasizes, Carol feeling how hard her heart was beating against her chest and lifted her head to meet her gaze, hazel eyes sharp but uncertain.
"Neither do I." Carol says, voice firm and assuring despite the tears building in her eyes, watching Therese's glaze over. "I hate seeing you upset, especially knowing it was because of me. I never want to hurt you again, to make you feel like you're a child because you're not. None of this with Rindy, with Harge- with anyone was your fault and I need you to know that. To understand that all of this was unavoidable before I even met you." Carol states, hands cradling Therese's face when her lip quivered involuntary, eyes red from impending tears. Carol felt her heart break at the sight, taking a sharp breath in before she continued.
"I don't regret a single thing I've shared with you. For being with you. I wouldn't trade it for anything, not even for Rindy because I know that I made the right choice as horrible as it may feel." Carol blinked, Therese wiping away her tears. "I was angry and upset, but that gave me no right to say that just to end an argument- to ruin any of the trust you have willingly given me that I don't deserve, that I never will." Carol took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. "I love you, Therese, and nothing will ever change that." A silence fell over the two, both of them staring and holding the other close in fear they may leave. That something had changed, that the tension was still brewing underneath a current of relief, sadness and anger.
"After Waterloo, after Tucker," Therese says cautiously, heart thrumming fast under Carol's scrutiny. "Did you...see me differently?"
"See you differently?" Carol furrows her brows, Therese growing timid as she explained.
"When you wrote the letter before you left, when you gave it to Abby- did you think I wouldn't understand?" Her tone wasn't accusing, but Carol still felt anxious and looked down at the blanket underneath them.
"I didn't want you to be upset with me. For needing to go, I didn't want to hurt you."
"But it hurt nonetheless." Therese points out gently. "Even more when I didn't get to say goodbye to you and had to hear it through a letter instead."
"I'm sorry-"
"I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I never would." Therese interrupts, holding her hand and giving it a comforting squeeze, Carol allowing herself to briefly relax. "Just please talk to me, okay?" The older woman nods, nuzzling her hand when Therese cupped her cheek, heart fluttering at the small smile she sent her way. "I'm sorry too, I really am. What I said, it was uncalled for."
"I understand." Carol whispers, placing a soft kiss on her palm. "I know you're still scared about me leaving and I also know it's going to take a while for me to earn your trust again. I'm okay with that, truly I am." She manages a fond smile, relieved when it didn't go past Therese and she returned it.
"I shouldn't have walked away, I should have talked to you instead." Therese says, playing with a strand of Carol's hair, eyes wandering over her.
"Well, we are now."
"Yes, we are." Therese smiled fully, dimples popping through and that alone made Carol giddy, eliminating all the pressure in her chest.
"You know, when I came back to see you at the Oak Room- when we spoke that night, I meant what I said." Therese reminiscences, fingers still twined in her hair. "I want to stay, for you to stay even when things do get hard. Even when we argue."
"And I will." Carol insists, resting her hand on top of hers. "I always will be here." Therese shut her eyes when the woman leaned down, her lips soft against her cheek and neck.
"Perpetual, huh?"
"What?"
"You and I." Therese muses, referencing to the letter that once ago left a nasty wound, still ached sometimes now. But Therese couldn't hate Carol's letter, couldn't find it in her to ever throw it out since deep down it gave her hope, even through the pain. "A perpetual sunrise."
"You remember?" Carol raised an eyebrow, cheeks a faint pink.
"Of course I do, I read it everyday in hopes it would be soon." Therese smiles sheepishly, looking up at her lover. "Our sunrise." Carol grinned, brushing her hair aside before her lips met hers, pushing Therese's head down against the pillow when she deepened it. Therese could taste the rye on her lips, as her tongue caressed hers, speaking more than words ever could. Carol's hands trailed up her thighs, pushing her blouse up halfway and just when Therese was about to help Carol take it off, her hunger made an appearance when her stomach growled.
"Well I was going to wake you for dinner, but I suppose it's cold by now." Carol teased, Therese rolling her eyes.
"When did you make dinner?"
"Hm, about two hours ago." Carol shrugs nonchalantly, her smirk softening. "I wanted to stay here. With you."
"Since I'm so irresistible." Therese says sarcastically, giggling when Carol pinched her hip.
"You are, more than your own good." She chuckles, peppering the girls face with kisses, admiring each laugh and sound she let out.