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Phase 1: Jealousy
Lily couldn’t remember ever being so excited. She was practically vibrating as her father swung the car smoothly into the drop-off lane outside of the main school building. Her hand was on the door handle before he had even pulled the car to a stop.
“Calm down, bean.” Her father laughed. “He’s going to be here all day, same as you.”
“We said 8:00 sharp, Dad,” Lily reminded her father for the sixth time. “It’s 8:03.”
“You know he’s always late,” her father said for the fifth time.
“No, he’s always perfectly on time. Not a minute early, not a minute late.”
“Oh, if you say so,” he relented like the smart single father he was. “Now, lean over and give your old man a kiss.”
“Dad,” she whined.
“I’m not letting you out of the car until you give me a kiss,” he warned.
“It’s manual locks, Dad,” Lily said, but leaned over to peck him on the cheek anyway, reaching with her right hand to unlock the door and push it open even as she leaned over the center console towards her father. “I’ll see you this afternoon!”
“James is giving you a ride home, right?” her father asked for the fifteenth time that morning.
“Yes, Dad!” she said, one foot already on the pavement. She grabbed her book bag from the floor as she climbed completely out of the car, hoisting it over her shoulder and searching the crowd for her best friend.
“Call me if he can’t, or if you don’t feel safe, or if you need anything,” her father called.
“Yeah, alright, but I won’t need anything, of course I feel safe with my best friend since I was five, and he’s been talking about driving me home from school everyday ever since his parents bought him a car.”
Lily and her father lived comfortably, but her father did not have I’m going to buy my seventeen-year-old a brand new car money. James’s parents did, and then some. Lucky for Lily, he had always been insistent on sharing everything of his with her.
“Okay, but…”
Lily cut her father off with a loud groan. “Ugh. Love you, Dad. Bye!”
She slammed the door and took off with great purpose towards the school, despite the fact that she didn’t see him yet. She heard the electric whir of the window lowering behind her. “Have a good day, bean!”
She waved over her shoulder even as she craned her neck trying to see over the crowd, trying to spy him.
“Hey, Lily!” called a familiar voice.
Lily looked over and spotted her friend Mary under a particularly shady tree with a few of their other friends, none of whom were James. She almost kept moving through the crowd, eager as she was to get her arms around James’s scrawny neck, but didn’t want to be rude, so she made her way over to the tree.
“Hello everyone. Hi, Mary! Had a good summer?” she asked, just to be polite as Mary hugged her.
“Yeah, it was alright,” Mary said, flushing slightly as Sirius, one of the boys James was particularly close with, smirked at her. Any other time, Lily would have taken great interest in the exchange, but today, she had other things on her mind.
“That’s great!” she said. “Hey, have any of you seen James?”
“I don’t think he’s arrived yet,” said Remus, who was one of two other boys who usually hung out with James and Sirius.
“If I were him, I would have just not come back,” Sirius said as he threw his bag down on the ground and then sprawled out next to it, his back resting against the trunk of the tree, his shoulder practically brushing against Mary’s leg. “Sounds like he had it made over there.”
“What do you mean?” Lily asked. Every time she’d talked to James this summer, which had been every damn day, he’d always seemed eager to come home and see her.
Sirius opened his mouth, but closed it suddenly when Remus, seemingly accidentally, nudged him with his foot while crossing his legs and leaning against the tree next to Sirius.
“Far away from all you losers,” Sirius said then, and shoved Remus away from him.
“Well, that’s lovely,” Mary said loftily. “If we’re such losers, we’ll just leave, then, won’t we, Lily?”
“Oh, I don’t think that’s what he’s after,” Remus said, and laughed when Sirius glared at him.
“Mary, love, don’t leave me,” Sirius said as he reached up and wrapped a firm hand around Mary’s wrist. She rolled her eyes at him, but Lily saw her fighting a smile before Sirius gave her a little tug and Mary toppled to the ground next to him. The way he swung his arm over her and pulled her close was so smooth that Lily thought he must have done it a thousand times before. Mary certainly looked very comfortable tucked up against him as she was. She made a mental note to ask Mary about that next time they were alone.
Lily frowned and slid her phone out of her bag to send a text to James.
Where are you?
He responded immediately.
Running a few minutes behind. Sorry
Ugh, breaking my heart, jampot.
She added a pouting emoji to reflect her current expression.
Its for good reason. Ive got a surprise for you
If it’s not a fit Frenchman, I don’t want it.
Haha. I think you’ll change your mind when you see it
Wrong. So wrong. You clearly don’t know me anymore, jampot.
You’re not texting and driving, right?
…No
STOP, YOU PRAT
STOP TEXTING ME THEN
She did stop texting him. She looked up from her phone to see that Mary and Sirius were still sitting very close together beneath the tree. Remus was no longer standing with them.
You actually stopped. Sad jampot
“Where did Remus go?” she asked, ignoring James. If he was determined to wreck his car on his first day really driving it, it wouldn’t be on her conscience.
Mary glanced up at her and shrugged. “I didn’t see him go. Sirius?”
“He went to meet up with Dora,” Sirius said, not looking up from his phone. “Oh! Look, Mare.”
Mary’s gaze immediately dropped back to Sirius’s phone, which he moved closer to her, his black hair brushing and mingling with her blond locks. Lily saw the smile on Mary’s face and decided that, definitely, she needed to catch up with Mary.
A heavy arm dropped over her shoulder, heavier than she expected, and a white paper cup hovered in front of her face, held up by a large, very tan hand. She turned to him, already smiling, already taking the cup from him, when he dropped a kiss to her cheek, her best friend in the whole entire world. Only - she froze - he didn’t look like her best friend anymore.
His hair was longer, freed for once from the close crop his mother had insisted on when he was younger when she’d been unable to tame his hair herself. The cut hadn’t been the most flattering look - it had bared his slightly-too-big ears and made his forehead look about the size of Russia. But Lily had loved it. It had been James. Along with the thick, round-rimmed glasses he had apparently switched out for some much more streamlined square ones. He didn’t look like the awkward, gangly little boy with the too-big personality anymore. He looked good.
He looked handsome.
“Well? Aren’t you going to greet me?” He asked, one brow arching up.
She shook herself a bit, wrapped her arms around him, careful not to spill the tea he’d brought her, and pressed a kiss to his cheek. She had to stand on the tips of her toes to achieve it and she thought he probably leaned down into it, too.
“My God, you’ve gotten tall,” she said.
And fit, she didn’t.
“You haven’t,” he teased, then stepped back to look at her. “Your hair’s longer.”
“And yours,” she pointed out. “It’s a complete disaster.”
“Yeah, well, it suits me better.” He wasn’t wrong. Somehow, the windswept mess atop his head fit his personality: a big statement, if a bit untidy.
“Yeah, you’re right. You finally look the mess you truly are,” she said.
“Damn, Lils,” he said on a wistful sigh. “I missed you. You look good.”
She blushed, which was strange; he’d never made her do that. Then again, he’d never looked at her quite like that before. The warmth, the affection, that was all normal and familiar. There was something else, though, some deep, searching, yearning look that made her feel at once uneasy and excited.
She cleared her throat, nodded, tried to play it off as though she hadn’t noticed anything different in the way he looked at her, as if it didn’t stir something in her as well. Judging by the glimmer in his eye, she thought she didn’t do a good job, so she shoved him playfully, rolled her eyes, and muttered, “Back atcha, jampot.”
James stumbled back a step, but his arm fell over her shoulders and pulled her into his side so smoothly that she wondered if somehow the boy who’d returned from France wasn’t the same James who had left after all.
He pulled her over to the half-wall behind the administrative building and sat himself down on top of it, patting the spot beside him. When she hesitated, he smirked at her. “Or do you need a boost?”
“Sod off.” Lily frowned at him, then boosted herself up next to him. She let her legs swing over the edge, purposely kicking James with her left foot. He merely moved closer to her and tangled their ankles together. “Weirdo.”
“You missed me,” he said in a sing-song voice.
“Obviously, you dolt.” She rolled her eyes when he slid his arm behind her, close enough that he was touching her, almost as if he were embracing her. She told herself that the reason her heart skittered in her chest was simply that he’d been gone for so long and she was so unbearably excited to see him.”I’m surprised you didn’t seek out Sirius and the boys as well.”
He shrugged. “I saw them last night.”
“What!” She gaped at him, truly hurt. “I thought we were best friends!”
“They came over to my house,” James said. “You didn’t.”
“I wasn’t invited,” Lily pointed out.
“Neither were they,” he told her. “They just showed up.”
“Well, I don’t have a car,” Lily said, feeling unreasonably hurt and crappy. Crappy because she should have thought to go over to his house and bombard him with her love the moment he’d gotten home, should have begged and pleaded and bribed her father to drive her over there, or gotten on her bike and made the very long trek up there on her own. She should have taken initiative like the boys clearly had, even though Remus had a car, which, old and rusty as it was, was far more convenient than her bicycle. And she was foolishly hurt because part of her, ridiculous as she knew it was, wondered why James, who had a nice new car she hadn’t even seen yet, hadn’t thought to drive out to see her.
“It’s not a big deal,” he said, pulling her out of her stupid emotional spiral. His shoulder shrugged against hers, making her sway against him. “They showed up right after I got home. We just played video games and ate crisps until Mum told them to either go home or kip in the guest room.”
“And talked,” Lily said.
“Well, obviously.” She was craning her neck to look up at him and she saw him roll his eyes, though he was grinning. He looked down at her and her heart did the oddest thing: it fluttered in her chest. “It would have been an awkward few hours if we’d just sat in silence taking turns killing each other.”
She laughed, but it sounded strained even to her own ears. His eyebrows contracted just slightly, all of his features pulling inward as he regarded her suspiciously, like he sensed something strange about her and was just trying to parse out what it was. She’d like to figure it out, herself, but she didn’t think it was the time or place for that particular line of self-reflection, so she cleared her throat and took a sip of the tea he’d brought her, trying to play it off like she was just a bit thirsty.
“So talk to me,” she said with a playful nudge that barely made him budge. “How was your summer? What was your favorite thing that you did?”
“I talked to you on the phone every day, Lils,” he said.
“I know that, but that was in the moment. Now you’ve had time to reflect on all the things that you saw and did and I want to know what the best part of your summer was.”
“I just told you. Talking to you every day,” he said and his fingers twined with hers in a way that wasn’t at all unfamiliar, but the feeling it brought was unlike anything she’d ever experienced with him. Her heart did that strange flutter again, and she stared at him, and her eyes felt far too wide as she drank in everything about him as if she’d never truly seen him before. The corners of his mouth quirked up only slightly as he stared right back at her, as if he saw something he liked, and his eyes betrayed nothing but sincerity. She found herself watching his mouth when he spoke. “I swear, the best part of every day was when I got to hear your voice.”
She was probably imagining it, but it seemed like his face was just a little closer than it had been before. It was hard to tell, really, since she couldn’t stop staring at his mouth, which was strange. He had a nice mouth, she supposed – his lips were maybe only slightly fuller than the average boy’s, and one corner was maybe a bit higher than the other, but it was the way it moved around the words he spoke, and the way it shifted to convey so much emotion that truly made it stand above other boys’ mouths – but she had never noticed that before. She had to force herself to look away, to turn her head from his and take another big gulp of tea to distract herself while she tried to calm her heart and think of an appropriate response.
His phone chimed and he looked down at it. Lily glanced over his shoulder, a habit they both shared that had never bothered either of them before. She couldn’t make anything out other than the name, Amelie, which was definitely a girl’s name. The lengthy message was composed entirely in French, which Lily was embarrassingly inadequate at, but James had always been perfectly fluent in. He read the message quickly, typed a very short response, then silenced his phone and put it in his bag.
“Who’s Amelie?” Lily asked.
“Oh.” He hesitated for a moment. Lily stared at him. James never hesitated. About anything. “She’s just a girl.”
“Just a girl? What does that mean?” Lily asked. When James only stared at her dumbly, she frowned, her eyebrows drawing close together. “I mean, I’m a girl. Is she just a girl like me?”
“No, no. Of course not. I mean. You’re not just a girl. You’re Lily. You’re my best friend.” He ruffled his hair, and Lily knew he was nervous. “Amelie is just a girl.”
“Just a French girl?” Lily said. She tried to sound indifferent about it. Really, she did. But she didn’t feel indifferent about it. There was a strange thing happening to her, some awful feeling clawing its way from her gut, moving up, up, up, squeezing her heart and choking her.
James clearly picked up on the fact that she wasn’t exactly happy with him; he was gaping at her like he couldn’t make sense of her.
“Yeah, I mean…Yeah. She’s French. She lives in France. We met in France.” He was never repetitive. Not like this. His Adam's apple bobbed and her gaze caught on the movement.
“Did you shag her?” Lily demanded, her mouth working faster than her brain. It was an uncomfortable question, even for her to ask of him, but suddenly she had to know, could absolutely not go on living without knowing his answer.
“What?” His tone was high-pitched and defensive and she saw a dark red flush creeping up the back of his neck. “No!”
“It’s okay if you did!” She continued as if he hadn’t answered. Her heart was hammering again and she knew somehow that if he said the wrong thing, she would burst into tears. The problem was that she didn’t know what the wrong or right thing was. “I mean, we’re seventeen. It’s whatever, right?”
“Yeah, sure, I guess, but I didn’t shag her,” he insisted.
It didn’t make her feel any better. “But it was like that?”
Some part of her knew that she was being completely irrational, but that horrible feeling was still in her, lodged deep in her throat and she felt like its puppet. She couldn’t stop the words, or soften their delivery.
“Like that how?” he asked, and he no longer seemed panicked. Now, he sounded frustrated, and when he ruffled his hair, he tugged at it a little.
“You snogged her?” Amelie had probably tugged at his hair a little, too.
“I…yeah, I did,” he admitted, shoulders sagging just a bit.
Her heart squeezed; her jaw clenched. “You dated her?”
“Yeah,” he mumbled and it was the most obvious thing in the world to her that he had not wanted to tell her about this at all.
“Are you, like…with her?” Now her voice was high-pitched. “Long distance?”
He sighed. “No. Well, I dunno. We never really talked about it.”
Suddenly, Sirius’s words from earlier flitted through her mind. Sounds like he had it made over there.
He had told the boys, but he had never intended to tell her. Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. That was why she was upset, she told herself. Because he’d told his other friends something personal that he’d wanted to keep secret from her. It was fine, probably, because the boys were his best friends, too, and they were boys so obviously they talked about girls and things that it might be different to talk to her about. Things that it might be awkward to talk to her about.
But Lily was his best best friend. They had a special connection, they’d always said that, always promised that no one would ever come between them, not another friend, not a significant other. This, to Lily, felt like both. Like this French girl, this Amelie, was coming between them, and so were his other friends, his blokes. She had never felt like she had to compete with anyone for him before, and this was new and different and uncomfortable, that was all.
“So you have a girlfriend,” she said, and she hated how shrill her voice sounded even to her own ears, even though she was trying so very hard to calm down. She was trembling. There was no way he couldn’t see.
“No, I don’t,” James insisted, face red, looking completely panicked again at whatever emotion he read on her face.
“You just said,” Lily cut him off, feeling absolutely manic. “You dated her, you snogged her, now she’s texting you novels. Sounds like a girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend, Lily!” James exclaimed. He threw his hands up, frustration clearly winning out over panic again. “I didn’t say that. I said we dated, and we never talked about what would happen when I left. That does not make her my girlfriend.”
“Whatever,” Lily muttered under her breath and hopped down off the wall. “I need to find my first class. Thanks for the tea.”
“Lily!” James called after her.
But she lowered her head, an odd ache in her chest, and walked away.
~~~
Phase Two: Ogling
Several times throughout the day she felt his eyes on her, boring intensely into the side of her head. Everyday. She tried her best not to act like anything was wrong, but she saw the way he frowned at her when she started to sit next to Mary on the very end of the bench at lunch a few weeks into the semester. Sirius had taken to sitting on Mary’s other side, forcing James to take the seat between Remus and Peter, a small awkward boy who helped manage the football team and didn’t have many friends aside from James and Remus and sometimes Sirius.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sit next to Peter; Lily knew how much James liked Peter. It was that James and Lily had sat side-by-side at lunch every day at school since they were five years old and this sudden change was not to be overlooked.
Truth be told, Lily wasn’t happy with her impulsive decision to suddenly sit on the other end of the table from him, either. But she couldn’t sit next to him, hip-to-hip, arms brushing, feeling the heat of him without thinking that there was another girl out there who had sat that close with him. Closer, probably. Who knew what he smelled like. Who had stared at his long, slender fingers as he nimbly peeled an orange. Who knew more about him than she did; who knew the feel and the taste of his mouth. She couldn’t sit beside him without thinking about it, and it was absolutely nuts for her to think about, and it killed her besides.
And that line of thought made it so that she couldn’t stop wondering what his mouth did taste like.
And that was weird.
So, no, she could no longer sit next to him at lunch.
But she did still wait for him after school every day while he played a game of football with his other friends and boys who wanted to try out for the team when the season came around. He gave her a ride home from school every day, insisted on doing so, really, and had taken to picking her up in the mornings as well. It was almost normal between them in the car, where he had to be in his seat, and she in hers with the console in between them and no chance for either of them to invade the other’s space as they had done their whole lives without a second thought. Nowadays the lack of personal space brought many thoughts to her mind.
So, she liked when he drove her around, music playing, windows down when the weather was nice enough for it and the wind making a mess of their hair.
She did not like that now when she waited for him after school, she wasn’t the only one. There was often a whole gaggle of girls who stood on the edge of the field the boys played in, ogling them all, hopeful that they would be chosen for – what? A flirt? A date? A snog? Not just from James, but from any of the fit boys who ran around all sweaty before them. It was embarrassing, honestly.
But what was more embarrassing was how much Lily despised them for it. Because she stared too, didn’t she?
Oh god, she needed to be institutionalized.
“Are you okay?”
Lily looked up, startled, at the soft, high male voice. She hadn’t realized anyone had joined her, so busy had she been glaring desolately at the small group of girls surrounding the boys down on the pitch.
“Hi, Peter,” she said, gesturing for him to sit beside her.
He sat awkwardly on the edge of the bench looking quite ready to flee if things got uncomfortable or if she seemed unhappy with him. “Hi. So, are you okay? You look like you’ve eaten a bad clam.”
So maybe he was just worried she might sick up all over him. She smiled ruefully. “I’m alright. Just didn’t realize there was going to be such a big crowd today.”
Peter looked confused as he eyed the gathering on the pitch. Only half the boys who usually showed up were there, and their three female admirers. Usually there were more girls. It wasn’t a big crowd by any means. Lily’s scowl returned deeper than before when Rita Skeeter with her low-cut top, curly blond hair, and fire engine red lips reached out and touched James. He had taken his shirt off and he was glistening with sweat, and the sheen made the definition of his stomach and arm muscles stand out. Apparently Rita Skeeter, an annoying girl a year younger than them who fancied herself a reporter, had taken notice as well.
“She doesn’t even realize that she doesn’t stand a chance,” Peter said with a small smirk that was almost reminiscent of James. “It’s kind of funny. In a sad, pathetic way.”
“He should probably just start telling people about Amelie if he doesn’t want all this attention,” she said as James took a half step back from Rita and shot a panicked glance up at her and Peter in the stands.
Peter looked at her then. He seemed confused, and it seemed to Lily that he had something on the tip of his tongue. He jumped when someone dropped into the seat on the other side of Lily.
She turned to find Mary fuming, arms crossed over her chest as she glared down at the gathering. “Would you have my back if I went down there and rammed Sally’s face into the concrete pilings a few dozen times?”
Lily felt her brow arch as she turned to see what Mary was glaring at. Down on the pitch, right next to James, stood Sirius. Sally Jerkins, a busty girl who had been a grade above them until she was held back a couple years ago, whose silky black hair was even darker than James and Sirius’s, was standing in front of Sirius so close that Lily imagined her tits would brush his chest if she took a deep enough breath.
“I thought he wasn’t your boyfriend,” Lily said.
Mary and Sirius had spent a lot of time together over the summer, much of it alone, and they had kissed a few times. The last time they went out before coming back to school, they’d shared a very intense snog and shed quite a lot of clothing but had stopped short of doing anything too serious, Mary had said. They hadn’t been on any dates since school had started, but Lily had caught them huddled close together enough times to think that their attraction hadn’t petered out.
“He’s not.” Mary rolled her eyes and still maintained that impressive glare. “I just hate Sally Jerkins and think her face could use a little rearranging.”
On Lily’s other side, Peter twitched and she turned to catch what she thought was the end of an eye-roll. For a moment he just stared at both of them looking more than a little disappointed. Then he sighed and, without another word, stood and walked away, carefully picking his way back down the elevated stands to the field. Lily frowned after him, briefly wondering what his issue was before she turned back to Mary.
“I mean, of course I would have your back,” Lily said. “But I don’t think I’d be much help. You might have better luck asking Dora.”
“Ooh, yes, Dora can throw hands,” Mary said appreciatively of Remus’s girlfriend. “I’ll just tell her Thandie was making eyes at Remus and she’ll be all in.”
Lily laughed when Mary gave a decisive nod as if she was actually considering calling Sirius’s second cousin Dora in for backup so they could beat up the three girls who were disrupting the boys’ pickup footie game. Mary smirked at her for a fleeting second before suddenly her jaw clenched and she stood up.
“That’s it!” Mary hissed and marched down to the field with clenched fists.
“Mary, no!” Lily, fearing that her friend was actually about to start a brawl, hurried after her.
Remus saw them coming first; Lily saw his gaze flicker to them a second before James turned to track their approach. His eyes shot to her first, and there was something almost hopeful in them, before he seemed to realize that Mary was the far more interesting of the two at the moment. Sirius didn’t appear to notice them until Mary was almost to him; something in Mary’s expression must have amused him because he smirked and it didn’t even falter when she came to a halt mere inches from him. Startled by Mary’s sudden appearance, Sally took a few steps back and Mary didn’t hesitate to step into the space she’d left so that her tits were the ones all but pressed to Sirius’s chest.
“Hey,” Sirius said.
“Do you want to go out with me?” Mary said bluntly. She was a good height for him, Lily thought, just less than a head shorter than him so that she didn’t even have to crane her neck to look up at him.
Sirius shrugged, but Lily wasn’t fooled. She saw the way his mouth twitched at the corner as he fought a fond smile. “Sure.”
James, Remus, and Peter all looked relieved as if they’d hoped for this outcome but hadn’t quite believed it would happen. A couple of the other boys laughed, some catcalled, and one – a much younger boy who had never joined them before but was hoping to make the football team later in the year – looked disinterested. Lily was impressed by her friend’s courage, and her restraint. Sally looked livid and her friends were looking on in shock.
“You wanna get out of here?” Mary offered, ignoring the reactions of everyone around them as if they were the only two people on the field.
“Yeah, alright,” Sirius said, and then he reached down and laced his fingers through hers.
Sally made a strangled sound that may have been poorly suppressed rage. Mary turned with a smile to Lily. “I’ll call you later.”
“Okay. Have fun,” Lily said, and giggled when Mary turned back to Sirius quickly so that her long blonde hair swung in a sharp arc and slapped Sally in the face.
As Sirius and Mary made their way towards the car park, Sally turned to shoot Lily a dirty look before she stomped across the field in the opposite direction and Lily was disheartened when Rita didn’t immediately follow. Thandie, on the other hand, who hadn’t actually been flirting with Remus, did rush off after Sally, too nervous to be left with a large group of boys without her best friend.
“You ready to head out?” James said, and his voice was suddenly in her ear, his arm around her shoulders.
Lily looked up at him, heart racing. So much bare, glistening flesh. It should have been revolting; he was all sweaty. Why wasn’t it sickening? “I thought you would play longer.”
“We were interrupted,” he said as if one of his interrupters wasn’t standing right behind him. “And there’s no point in playing now that Sirius has gone, anyway.”
“Okay, let me grab my books,” she said, gesturing to the stands where she had left her bag. Rather than letting his arm slide away, James moved with her as she turned to head back.
“You guys need a ride?” he offered, presumably to Remus and Peter.
“No, we’ve got it sorted,” Remus said quickly.
“Alright, see you guys later,” James called back as he let go of Lily so she could run up the stands to get her school books.
When she returned to James’s side a moment later, bag over her shoulder, Remus and Peter were already halfway across the field with the rest of the boys heading out. Rita Skeeter, Lily noticed with some relief, had followed the other boys as well. To her surprise, and a confusing mixture of delight and dread, James still had not put his shirt on but now had it draped across the back of his neck like a towel. He didn’t pull it on even as they walked out into the car park, nor did he make a move to cover up as they reached his car.
“What?” he asked as he started the engine when he glanced over and caught her staring. He must have been working out along with the daily pickup football games because she had never before noticed the slight definition of his abs, or his biceps.
She shook her head quickly and forced her gaze up to his face with some effort. “Nothing. Just wondering how long you’ll traipse around like a half-naked neanderthal.”
He rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his mirrors as he threw the car in reverse. “It’s hot, Lily.”
She hummed in agreement. She felt a bit warm as well. “Yeah, it is.”
He said nothing right away, but she saw the smirk playing on his lips and waited impatiently. She knew what that smirk was; he was thinking something he found particularly clever.
“So you think I’m hot.”
“I think you’re a prat,” she said quickly, almost convincingly, and was relieved that she didn’t feel her face flush.
“Nah, you don’t,” he said confidently, and she watched as he turned the steering wheel hand-over-hand to turn out of the lot.
“Truly, I do,” she lied demurely. “A sweaty, smelly prat.”
“I do not smell,” he said, and she laughed as he lifted his arm to check himself, no shame between them. “I don’t have B.O.”
“I never said you smelled like B.O. I said you smell sweaty, and you do,” Lily insisted. He did smell like sweat and sundrenched hair and the outdoors. But it wasn’t an off-putting odor. She had certainly passed boys after phys ed who smelled worse. Still, he frowned at her as they came to a stop at a red light. “James, you’re a sweaty boy who was just playing football for nearly an hour. You smell like a sweaty boy who just finished playing football. It’s fine.”
“It’s fine?” he repeated.
“It’s fine,” she confirmed.
“Okay then,” he said, already over the insult of being called smelly. They were silent for a moment. Then, “So you think I’m fine.”
“I think you’re an idiot, is what I think of you,” she grumbled, rolling her eyes at him.
He laughed, leaning his head back against the headrest behind him so the veins of his neck were taut and straining beneath his skin. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him. It wasn’t until his Adam's apple bobbed suddenly that she glanced up and saw him watching her out of the corner of his eye. This time she felt the blood rush to her face.
“Lily,” he said. His voice had an unusual husky timber to it suddenly.
“Yeah?” she squeaked, dropping her gaze from his.
“D’you want –”
A horn honking behind them cut him off and they both startled a bit and turned to see that the light had turned green and they were holding up traffic. James swore under his breath, and she stared transfixed as his hand flexed on the gearshift.
“Um…what were you saying?” she asked a moment later when he turned another corner. “You were asking if I wanted something.”
“Oh.” He cleared his throat and his voice was normal, not gritty at all, when he continued. “You want to go for an ice cream?”
It wasn’t what he’d been about to ask before. She knew him. She knew when he was lying. But she hadn’t a clue what he could have originally planned to say, and she wasn’t sure she was strong enough for whatever it was.
“Okay,” she said. “Too bad for you, you’ll have to put your shirt on.”
“Aw, man,” he said with a grin, whatever weird tension that had built between them fading away. “But then you won’t be able to ogle me so conveniently.”
Lily scoffed and shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. “James Potter, I would never,” she lied, and he laughed at her.
~~~
Phase Three: Denial
“Hey, Lily!”
Lily glanced up when someone sat down across from her in the library. It was after school and normally she would be sitting outside in the stands waiting for James to finish up with football, but it was raining harder than the usual gloomy drizzle and he had suggested she wait in the library instead. She hadn’t argued, though she was beginning to regret it as her mind kept wandering to him and making it difficult to focus.
“Oh. Hi, Marlene.”
Marlene McKinnon was a nice girl who got along with everyone, but they weren’t exactly friends so Lily was surprised to see her.
“How are you doing?” Marlene asked.
“I’m alright,” she said with a shrug. “Just revising for McGonagall’s exam tomorrow.”
“Yeah, it’s going to be killer.” Marlene grimaced at the thought of it. “I hate Calculus.”
Lily wasn’t sure what to say. It seemed rude to point out that she herself did not really take issue with Calculus and wasn’t really that worried about it. Instead, she just smiled and nodded.
“Say, Lily, isn’t James Potter like McGonagall’s prodigy or something?” Marlene asked.
“He’s a whiz at mathematics, that’s for sure,” Lily said by way of answer. It had always annoyed James to be called McGonagall’s prodigy. He felt like people were implying there was some favouritism there and he didn’t appreciate it. Lily had pointed out many times that he was in fact one of McGonagalls favourites, to which James never hesitated to reply that McGonagall had given him almost every single detention he had ever sat through.
“Do you think he would tutor me?” Marlene asked with a strange smile, as if she really meant something else. Lily stared at the pretty, popular girl with her perfect chestnut wavy hair. Her lips were painted red. Lily had always liked Marlene well enough. Why did she suddenly feel something close to hatred for the girl? “I mean, you’re best friends, right? I figured you would know if he would be up for something like that.”
“I’m not sure that James is the tutoring type,” Lily said slowly. It was technically true. He had never tutored anyone before. He and Lily often did homework and prepared for exams together, but it was more an equal sharing of information. “Remus would probably be a better bet. He’s second rank, right after James.”
It was true. Remus was an uncommonly brilliant boy, and he was gentle and kind when not solely in the company of James, Sirius, and Peter who had a real knack for bringing out the boyish mischievous side in him. He also had a tendency to help Peter out a lot with his courses. Peter swore sometimes that Remus was the sole reason he was still on track to graduate with the rest of them. It was a bit of an exaggeration, but not much, Lily thought.
“Oh.” Marlene tapped mindlessly on the table in front of her, her sharp french tips clacking satisfyingly against the wood as she held Lily’s gaze, a coy glint in her eyes. “Yes, well, but I was wondering if James would be interested.”
“Well, I’m not James, so I can’t tell you that,” Lily said. She could tell it came off a bit harsher than she intended when Marlene’s gaze narrowed a bit on her. She didn’t look annoyed or offended or angry, but seemed to be contemplating something.
“You and James aren’t…” Marlene trailed off, gaze still searching Lily. “I mean, you’re not like dating or anything, are you?”
Lily stared at her. “What?”
“Yeah, I mean you guys are always together and he’s always got his arm around you, but it’s been like that with you two since as long as I can remember. It never occurred to me…But maybe…Lily, I’m sorry, have I overstepped?”
She looked concerned now, and Lily couldn’t even guess what her own expression looked like. Lily felt like she was losing her mind. Marlene McKinnon was so, so sweet. But Lily wanted to rake her nails down her face.
“No,” Lily said firmly, folding her hands in her lap lest she really lose it and act on the sudden urge. “There is absolutely nothing like that between us. That would be insane. We’ve been best friends since we were five.”
“Yeah, I know.” Marlene laughed, and it was not an unkind or mocking sound, but it grated on Lily’s nerves anyway. “But I had to ask. You’re probably like a sister to him or something by this point.”
She wanted to scream at the girl. No, I am not his sister. He is not my brother. But Marlene continued before Lily could respond.
“Anyway, you’re right. I’ll talk to James about it.” She stood up and smoothed her skirt down, smiled sweetly. “Thanks, Lily. See you around.”
And then she was gone, leaving Lily alone and seething and utterly confused by her own emotions.
Not long after, James came to collect her from the library. Madam Pince, the librarian, stoutly refused to allow him past the entrance. Lily couldn’t blame her; sopping wet and muddy as he was, he was likely to ruin her precious library books.
His eyes were bright, amused, when she joined him outside, safe from the rain for the time being under the eaves of the building.
“Had a good game?” she asked, heart beating rapidly in her chest.
“Yeah, it was good. Messy, clearly.” He gestured to the mud caking his shoes and splattered up his calves. “Loads of fun, though. You should see Sirius. He looks like The Thing, you know, from the movie? That scene where he’s all gooey and disgusting? But, Lily, the craziest thing just happened to me.”
“What happened?” she asked.
He turned to her, taking his time to say it, building suspense for a big, shocking reveal. “Marlene McKinnon just caught me on my way here. She asked me over to her house to tutor her in Calculus tonight.”
“That’s not that crazy,” Lily said, trying to mask the annoyance crawling all over her. Marlene really didn’t waste any time, did she? “You’re brilliant.”
James shrugged as if that was a given. “Well, yeah, but she wasn’t really asking for tutoring.” He raised one eyebrow at her and then the other in a waggling, suggestive motion.
“What do you mean? You think she was coming onto you?” Lily asked. “That’s a bit presumptuous, even for you, don’t you think? We do have that big exam tomorrow. Maybe she’s nervous.”
But Lily knew that wasn’t the case as certainly as James did.
“Of course she was coming onto me,” James insisted. “She wants me. She thinks I’m fit.”
Lily rolled her eyes and shoved him away from her when he leaned down to bring his face closer to hers, eyebrows still dancing.
“You’re ridiculous. Marlene is the prettiest, most popular girl in school. What makes you so certain she’s trying to hook up with you?” Lily asked as she started to lead the way to the car park, sticking close to the wall so she wouldn’t get soaked like him.
“Okay, ouch,” James said, following behind her. “But I know because I used my critical thinking skills.”
Lily shot him a doubtful look over her shoulder.
“She’s fourth in the class, Lils,” James said. “Just after you.”
“Oh.” Lily turned her head again to watch where she was going, and so he couldn’t see her frown. “I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah,” James said behind her, and suddenly there was suppressed laughter in his voice as he jumped ahead of her and turned to face her, stopping her in her tracks. “Well, that and she pulled a –” He paused, fluttered his lashes at her and put a hand on her arm, clearly mimicking what he had experienced. “My parents will be out late, so we could have the house to ourselves tonight.”
Lily’s stomach hurt. She felt like she was going to vomit. “She did what?”
“I know! It was so bold of her!” He paused and tilted his head thoughtfully, seeming not to notice the way Lily was gaping at him. His hand was still on her arm. “Honestly, respect.”
Lily pulled a disgusted face at him and pushed past him. His hand fell to his side.
“So, what time are you going to meet her?” she asked as they drew near the car park, trying to keep her tone light and unaffected.
“I’m not.” He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She stopped and whirled to face him. He smiled, a bit bemused, his brows knitting together in confusion. “Lily, are you mad? Why would I do that?”
“Marlene is the prettiest girl in school,” Lily repeated, dumbfounded.
He stared at her for a long moment. It seemed to Lily he might be holding his breath as he chose his next words carefully. “I’m not sure I agree with that.”
“She is, though!” Lily insisted. “And she came onto you. Why wouldn’t you go?”
“Do you want me to go or something?” James asked, looking a bit vulnerable. “I mean, we always revise together before exams.”
Of course she didn’t want him to go. Was he mental? Was she mental? Why was she questioning him, implying he was wrong to have turned down Marlene?
“No, I don’t want you to go,” she said. He stepped closer, and her pulse quickened. A droplet of water fell from the shaggy hair plastered to his forehead and she watched as it rolled down his cheek and over his jaw, all the way down his throat before it disappeared in the collar of his already-soaked shirt. Thunder rumbled, startling her out of the hypnotic state he’d put her in. She blinked and shook her head. “I mean, I don’t care, really. If you go, it’s whatever.”
He stared at her, and it was the same quiet, speculative look she had seen on his face a lot lately.
“But yeah, you’re right. You’re meant to be revising with me tonight,” she said, again trying for light. “You’d be a pretty awful best friend to ditch me last minute.”
“I would never ditch you, Lily,” James told her, voice so soft she could barely hear him over the rain. “You’re the most important person in my life.”
“Back atcha, jampot.” All at once, she felt light again, and she grabbed for his hand, pulling him to the edge of the overhang.
“You can wait here,” he said, pulling her to a halt before she could step out into the downpour. There weren’t many cars left in the lot, but they had gotten here a bit late this morning, so his car was at the very back of the lot, and while it wasn’t quite flooded there were deep puddles everywhere. “I’m already wet. I’ll pull the car around.”
“Don’t be silly, James,” she said. “It’s just a little rain.”
And she tugged him by the hand and pulled him into the downpour, running for his car. He was faster than her, of course, athletic as he was, but he didn’t drop her hand or run ahead. He kept pace with her, both of them laughing the entire way. And although he had his key fob in his hand and had the doors unlocked before they were halfway there, he held the passenger door for her and saw her in before he crossed over to his side.
As he pulled the car around to the exit, Lily spotted Marlene McKinnon standing beneath a little overhang waiting for her ride to pick her up. James didn’t seem to notice her as he drove right past her, but she and Lily made eye contact. And although she had just been rejected by the boy she fancied, or at least wanted to hook up with, and although she had likely just watched that boy go running through the rain giggling, holding hands with another girl, Marlene smiled at Lily and nodded.
Lily smiled back and waved, and wished she were as bold and as kind-hearted as Marlene.
~~~
Phase Four: Acceptance
Lily didn’t know what was wrong with her. When Mary had called her earlier asking if she wanted to go get their nails done together, Lily had told her she had best stay home and deal with her cramps. Mary, a dear friend to the end, had accepted the excuse without question. Lily was, truthfully, on her period, but that wasn’t her issue. It wasn’t menstrual cramps that were bothering her, but an oddly empty-feeling pain in her chest that had her lying, face buried in her pillow, in bed at half-four in the afternoon on a Sunday.
There was a soft knock on her door and Lily lifted her head to see her father standing in the doorway looking concerned.
“Are you alright?” he asked as he leaned against the white doorframe. “Should I fetch the heating pad?”
“No, I’m okay, thanks,” Lily mumbled, but pressed her face back into the pillow again, feeling rather like an ostrich burying their head in the sand.
She heard soft footsteps as he padded his way, barefoot, across her carpeted bedroom to stand over her. She flipped over onto her back. She knew her father; he wouldn’t go away until he felt satisfied he had done his job.
“What’s wrong, bean?” Her dad asked, sitting gingerly on the edge of her mattress. “If it’s not girl problems, is it…is it boy problems?”
“Dad,” Lily said tiredly, clutching the blanket tighter.
“Because you can talk to me about boy things, you know,” he said. “I know it’s not… ideal. You’d probably rather talk to your mum, or your sister, but…”
For a moment, she was so stunned by his assumption that she forgot to be depressed. She hadn’t seen her mother or her sister in years. Her relationship with Petunia was nonexistent and the extent of her contact with her mother was a cheque in the mail every Christmas and birthday.
“I wouldn’t,” Lily said, sitting up. “They left us, Dad. I wouldn’t prefer to talk to anyone over you.” God, she had gone to her father with no hesitation when she had gotten her first period when she was twelve. He regularly bought tampons for her without question, had brought her to the gynecologist to start on birth control when her cramps had gotten so bad she hadn’t been able to get out of bed for two days last year. He thought talking about boys was too much for her? “It’s just…it’s not boy problems. It’s James problems.”
“James? Lily, James is a boy,” he said. As if she needed reminding.
Lily rolled her eyes. As if she wasn’t constantly aware lately just how much of a boy James was. An oft-shirtless, sweaty boy. Or worse, a dripping wet shirt clinging to his defined chest and stomach boy. “Yeah, I know he’s a boy. But he’s not a boy. He’s my best friend.”
He looked as if there was something he desperately wanted to point out, but he sighed after a moment. “Okay, then what’s the problem with James?”
“I dunno, really,” Lily said. “It’s just… he’s got this… sort of… girlfriend? It’s long-distance and he says he doesn’t know if they’re together, but she texts him like every day.”
She didn’t actually know for certain that Amelie texted James every day, but she assumed so. He got a lot of texts during the schoolday, more than she had noticed in years past. She refused to look at his phone over his shoulder again for fear she would be proven right.
“You text him every day.”
“Yeah, but he’s my best friend. I’ve texted him every day since you added text to our phone plan.”
“I know, I had to upgrade to unlimited last year,” he said begrudgingly. It wasn’t that he couldn’t afford more than the basic plan; it was just that he didn’t see the need for it. Until she’d racked up a phone bill of nearly three hundred pounds in texts to James alone. “It’s alright if you fancy him.”
“I don’t fancy him, Dad. I just don’t like his girlfriend.” His maybe-girlfriend who he had not actually mentioned to her since the first day of school two months ago.
“Have you met her?” her father asked.
“No, she’s in France,” Lily grumbled.
“Well, how do you know that you don’t like her, then?”
“I…Well, I just…I don’t know, I just don’t!”
“Why?” he pushed.
“Dad!” Frustrated, Lily threw her hands up in the air. “Leave it alone!”
“Hey, I’m just trying to help you,” he said, but Lily got the distinct impression that he knew good and well exactly why Lily didn’t like Amelie; he was just trying to get her to admit it to herself.
Something in her broke at the gentle look on his face and the words came tumbling out. “I don’t like that she exists. I don’t like that he dated her and he snogged her and he told the other boys about her, but he didn’t plan to tell me until I specifically asked him!”
“Do you want him to talk to you about kissing other girls?”
“No!” She all but shouted, then groaned. “Yes? No! It…doesn’t feel good. It makes me feel sick to think about it. But he’s my best friend, he’s supposed to want to talk to me about these things, right?”
“Maybe you should work out why you don’t want to hear about it rather than blame a girl you’ve never met for him not wanting to talk about it,” he said. “Unless of course you already know, and just don’t want to admit it.”
“Okay, Dad, I think I’m done talking about this,” Lily said abruptly. “Lovely chat, goodbye.”
He sighed as he heaved himself to his feet. “Okay, if that’s how you feel.” He paused on the other side of the door, his hand on the knob. “I guess I’ll just have to bake these biscuits all by myself.”
“Biscuits?” she said, shucking her comforter and sitting up.
“Yes. I think I’ll have some of that ice cream as well,” he said contemplatively. “Oh, but don’t feel obligated to join me. Clearly you’re too poorly for all that.”
She lasted all but two minutes after he closed her door behind him before she was chasing him down the stairs and into the kitchen to find a baking sheet and the ingredients already laid out for them.
“Oh? Not too ill?” Her dad feigned surprise as he glanced at her over his shoulder, but she heard the suppressed laughter in his voice and rolled her eyes.
“Out of my way, you’ll botch them without my help,” she lied. He was the one who taught her this particular biscuit recipe, after all.
They chatted as they mixed and scooped and shaped the dough onto the tray, and as they waited for the delicious morsels to bake properly, and as the heavenly scent wafted around them, making their mouths water. They chatted about his work, about school, about her upcoming uni applications, about the daytrip he was taking into London next weekend for work, about everything except James.
Her phone rang when her dad was pulling the biscuits from the oven. She looked over to see a blurry photo of herself and James fighting over a swing when they were about seven lighting up her screen. That stupid, awful fluttering sensation started up in her heart again, and she hesitated a moment before hitting the button on the side of her phone to silence the call. She stared at the photo until it faded away when the call went to voicemail.
“Not going to talk to him?” her dad said casually, and she looked up to find him standing very near her, tub of ice cream in hand.
She shook her head just as her phone emitted a short, high chime as he texted her. “Ice cream is more important,” she lied.
Her dad gave her a soft, sad smile as he set the ice cream down on the counter and turned to plate the biscuits. She watched him for a second before she turned to her phone.
Hey are you busy
She bit her lip and eyed her dad over her shoulder as she contemplated her response.
Yeah, hanging out with my dad.
His response, as usual, was immediate.
Sick. Wanna hang out with your bff after
Her fingers danced across the touchscreen, typing out a message she didn’t even give herself time to think through.
I think I’m going to bed early, actually.
It took him several minutes to respond this time, but she knew he was staring at his phone because she watched those three dots appear and disappear a few times in the interim. Finally, her phone chimed again, twice in quick succession.
Thats cool
But you cant avoid me forever
She frowned at her phone, waiting for annoyance to wash over her. Instead, she felt only guilt as she typed out her response.
I’m not avoiding you. I don’t feel well. I’m tired.
Tired of feeling so confused and off-kilter around him. Tired of that odd, awful clawing sensation in her gut, heart, and chest whenever she had to watch girls at school flirt with him, or when she thought about his time in France with Amelie, or whatever flirty French things he might be texting her when Lily wasn’t around.
She knew it wasn’t fair. She kept going all hot and cold on him and she knew he was confused and probably hurt as well. But she didn’t understand what was going on in her own head when he was around, and it was even worse when he wasn’t around, and it was all driving her mad.
Fair. Rest up then
Ill pick you up same time as usual tomorrow
She couldn’t face him. Not right now, and not tomorrow morning. At least, she couldn’t be in an enclosed space with him. She couldn’t trust her own thoughts.
Actually, my dad’s bringing me.
Right. See you. Night Evans.
She frowned at her phone. He had never called her by her last name. Sirius did, sometimes, but she didn’t know why James would suddenly start calling her by her surname now. Not after so many years and so many nicknames. Unless he was frustrated with her, unless she had really hurt him. Her eyes stung, felt warm, as she typed her response.
Good night, James.
Her dad was watching her again when she put her phone down. She cleared her throat, blinking away the burn in her eyes. “Can you bring me to school tomorrow?”
“Course,” he said brightly, no hesitation. He held out a spoon to her, balanced the plate of biscuits atop the tub of ice cream, and started for the living room. “Feel like watching a movie?”
“Sure,” she said slowly. “Do you want me to grab bowls? For the ice cream?”
“Nah, we don’t need bowls tonight. Let’s live a little,” he called over his shoulder.
They used to do this when she was little, before her mother had an affair at work, before the divorce, before Petunia turned her back on them too. All four of them, they would sit on the couch all bunched together and eat out of the same tub of ice cream. It was honestly kind of disgusting, which was why Lily and her father hadn’t continued this particular tradition. But tonight she didn’t mind.
She and her father sat on the couch together, on opposite ends with the plate of biscuits and the ice cream between them, and settled in to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. She knew her father picked it because it was her comfort film. Only, it reminded her of James. It was his favourite film as well, and they had watched it together several times over the years.
She couldn’t help thinking of him, and when the Black Knight, armless and legless, declared his duel with King Arthur a draw Lily imagined she could hear James’s laughter in her ear. It was his favourite part of the film, and she remembered a long phase a few years back where ‘tis but a scratch had been a rather persistent vocal stim of his.
“Dad?” she said suddenly.
“Yes?” he said, plunging his spoon into the tub of melting ice cream and setting it down between them again, perhaps thinking she was going to call him out for eating more than his fair share.
She hesitated, took a bite of a biscuit as she worked up the nerve to speak, because once she said it, it was fact and she couldn’t take it back. She paused the movie, and her father turned towards her on the couch, and finally, in hushed tones, she confessed.
“I think I might really, quite desperately, fancy James.”
He didn’t look surprised at all. He nodded, and responded in the same almost reverent manner. “What are you going to do about it?”
Nothing, she wanted to say, because how could she do anything that would risk ruining their friendship? Because what if he didn’t fancy her back? What if he wanted Amelie, or one of the other girls at school who followed him around? And what if she died of longing?
“I don’t know,” she whispered instead, playing with the fraying edge of the soft green blanket that occupied the back of the couch. “It’s scary.”
“I know, bean.” He sighed and reached over to stroke his hand gently through her hair. “It’s always scary when you realize something like that. But you know what?”
“What?” She peered at him through her fringe, barely caught his soft smile.
“If you only ever shy away from things that seem a bit scary, you’re never going to experience anything. Some of the most amazing things I’ve done were some of the scariest as well,” he told her.
“Like what?” she whispered. She was expecting him to confess to some incredible, reckless times in his youth. Had her father been skydiving before she was born? Bungee jumping? She knew he swam with sharks in Australia on his eighteenth birthday.
“Marrying your mum.” He smiled when she rolled her eyes.
“That turned out well for you.”
She left when Lily was ten, and had taken Petunia, Lily’s older sister, with her. Lily and her dad had been on their own ever since. When she was younger, she used to take the train halfway across England to stay with her mum, her affair partner, the son he shared with his estranged wife, and Petunia for a few weeks over summer, but she’d stopped putting forth the effort when she’d realized that her mum and Petunia simply didn’t care to meet her halfway. It was always Lily traveling to see them, trying to feign interest in the things they enjoyed. Never did her mother or Petunia show even the slightest bit of interest in Lily. Not once did Petunia make the trek down to stay with their dad. Lily was thirteen years old when she decided to stop being the only one trying. It was no great loss, really. She got the better parent out of the deal.
“A great deal of good came from that marriage, actually. I wouldn’t have you if I hadn’t married your mum. Would have never become a father.” He paused, and Lily knew he was thinking of his older daughter who had cut ties with him as coldly and suddenly as his wife had, and with as little explanation. “Another scary experience, by the way.”
“Well, I am terrifying,” Lily said, trying to make him laugh instead of think of Petunia, but he only nodded.
“Truly. Nothing more terrifying than a teenage daughter.” He sounded serious, and Lily frowned.
“That’s rude,” she said.
“Terrifying, but amazing. The greatest accomplishment of my life is, and always will be, being your father.” He was getting emotional. She could hear it in the thickness of his voice, see it in the way his eyes glimmered in the dim light.
Tears once again prickled in her eyes and she moved the biscuits and ice cream to the table so she could snuggle into her father’s arms like she was still just a little girl. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, bean.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’ll figure it all out in time.”
~~~
The Final Phase: Resolution
Her father left for London on business early Saturday morning when Lily was still asleep, which meant that she had the house to herself for an entire day. She had wonderful plans, grand plans. She was going to do absolutely nothing for a whole blissful day. Perhaps she would turn on the telly for a bit, maybe watch a movie, definitely read a book, would absolutely eat all of the unhealthy food in the house.
She’d eaten an entire bag of crisps and gotten about fifty pages into a rather dreadful book and was contemplating turning on the telly when her phone rang. She answered without looking at the screen, already knowing who it would be.
“This is your local flower shop, open and eager to assist with all of your floral needs. Boutonnières? We make them. Apology bouquets? We specialize in them. How may we be of assistance?”
“Yes, do you assist with deflowering?” he said, a grin heavy in his voice.
“Ew,” Lily said, but she knew he could hear her smile.
“Hey, it was right there. I just went for the obvious.”
“If you say so.” She heard a click click click in the background and the sound of a wheel smoothly turning. “Are you driving?”
“Yeah,” he said casually and she could just see him shrug in her mind. “I was actually calling to invite myself over.”
“Oh. Erm yeah, alright.” She said, panicking slightly because she was in her pyjamas that were about ten sizes too big and full of holes, her hair was a mess, and there were probably crisp crumbs all over her face. “My dad’s not here, though.”
He was silent for a beat too long. When he finally made a sound, it was a long sigh. “Damn, never mind. Everyone knows I only hang out with you to get close to your dad.”
“What a lie,” Lily said. James did really like her dad, but he was not the reason they had been friends for twelve years.
James laughed. “I’ll be there in like three minutes.”
“Three minutes? You live fifteen away!”
“I decided to invite myself over rather late in my drive,” he said as if it was nothing.
It should have been nothing, really. He used to bike over before he had a car without giving her any sort of heads up he was coming. He was her best friend, not a boy she should need to impress. Still, she had to suppress a groan.
“Um, okay. Well, drive safe and I’ll see you in a few.” She hung up before he had a chance to respond, was already pulling her shirt over her head as she sprinted up the stairs.
Dresses were both pretty and easy, so she pulled a sundress out of her wardrobe at random – she didn’t keep clothes she didn’t love, so it was never a chore to get dressed – and tossed it onto her bed as she briefly contemplated whether or not to wear a bra. She was a bit small in the chest so she could usually get away with going braless, but damn if she didn’t want her tits to look nice. She pulled out a bra, a nice white lacy thing that gave the illusion that she actually had a decent chest, and a pair of matching knickers that he was most definitely not going to see, but it made her feel better to have a matching set on.
She ran to the bathroom in nothing but her bra and knickers, washed her face quickly, grimaced at her hair and pulled together the quickest plait she’d ever done, pleased to see that it looked intentionally messy. She brushed her teeth and swiped on some deodorant and dashed back into her bedroom, pulled on the dress, a short blue and white striped fit and flare that hit her a few inches above the knee. When she looked at her phone, she saw that it had somehow been ten minutes. She wouldn’t have put it past him to have been sitting outside her house for seven minutes, pretending he hadn’t been so that she could have the chance to get ready.
She looked out her window, which overlooked the front garden, and saw that he wasn’t there yet. While she applied a thin swipe of eyeliner and coat of mascara, she thanked the lord that James had gotten into the habit of running a few minutes behind ever since he got a car.
She studied herself in the mirror for a moment, thought she looked about as good as she could in the very limited time given, and headed down the stairs. She heard the hum and subsequent silence of a motor cutting off and stepped out onto her front porch just as he was opening his door.
“James Potter, that was the longest three minutes of my life. I shall never forgive you for keeping me waiting,” she taunted as he stepped out of the car, stretched his long legs, and started towards her.
“Something told me you wanted a few more minutes than I was giving you,” he laughed, holding out a white paper cup to her. “So I stopped for tea down the road.”
“I love you,” Lily said, and it was something she had said to him at least once a week since they were seven, but this was the first time it gave her a little thrill to say it. Because it might have meant something more now.
“Love you, too, Lils,” he said as she took the cup from him. “You look nice.”
“So do you,” she said, and she meant it.
James had the strangest sense of style. He wore nice clothes when he wasn’t running or working out or playing football, but somehow, his stylish trousers and button-down shirts were always a bit messy-looking, like he just picked them up off the floor and wore them out the door. Currently, he was wearing a pair of fitted dark jeans and a wrinkled green shirt that was buttoned halfway up to expose an awful lot of his chest. His hair was as messy as ever, and he was as tall and as lean and as beautiful as he had been since he came back from France.
“So, what are we doing today?” James asked as they headed inside. “Where’s your dad?”
“Business meeting in London,” Lily told him.
“On a Saturday?” James said doubtfully. “You sure he’s not got a hot date and just didn’t want to tell you?”
Just because you didn’t want to clue me in on your dating life doesn’t mean my dad’s the same way, she wanted to say, but bit her tongue.
“Pretty sure he knows I would be happy for him if he started dating,” Lily said with a shrug. And maybe that was an important distinction. She had not been happy to find out that James had started dating. “Some Chinese dignitaries are in the country and today was the only day they were available to meet with the firm, so Dad got put on it.”
“And you didn’t want to go off and explore London?” James asked.
“As if we haven’t done that before.” Lily smiled when James laughed, clearly remembering the countless times they’d jumped on a train to London, out of ideas for anything better to do. One time, when they were fifteen, they’d missed the last train home and had to call her dad to come and pick them up. It was the only time she could really recall her father being cross with them.
“I was just going to relax today. Watch the telly a bit.” She shrugged.
His back to her, James leaned over the back of the couch, reached for something, and laughed. When he turned to her, she saw that he was holding the crumpled bag of crisps she had devoured. “And do a bit of snacking, perhaps?”
“I had a lot of snacking planned,” she said, snatching the bag from his hand and walking to the kitchen to toss it in the bin. When she returned, he was sprawled along the length of the couch, remote in hand. For a moment, she stood in the doorway and watched him. He was so incredibly tall that he didn’t even fit on the couch – he wasn’t that tall when he left for France at the start of summer – but he still, somehow, managed to look like he belonged there, in her house, on her couch, in her life.
He looked over, saw her watching him, and lifted an eyebrow in silent question.
“Your stupidly long legs have taken up all the seating,” she pointed out.
“You could just lie on top of me,” he said, and lifted his arms so that she could nestle into his chest if she dared. She was almost certain he actually meant it, knew that it may quite possibly kill her if she did.
She rolled her eyes and stepped over to him, swatting at his legs and pretending that she didn’t feel the flush creeping across her chest and cheeks. He noticed, of course, because he noticed everything that she wished he wouldn’t, but he smirked and said nothing as he swung his legs to the side, careful not to accidentally kick her, and sat up against the arm of the couch. She felt his eyes on her as she nestled herself into the corner between the opposite arm and back of the couch, as far from him as she could possibly get, and out of the corner of her eye she saw him stand, reach over to put the remote down on the coffee table, and take the center seat.
“Did you want to watch something?” she asked, though the obvious implication was that he did not want to watch the telly; he’d set the remote down without turning it on.
“I think I’d rather talk,” he said after a brief pause.
“Talk?” She looked up at him then, saw that he was studying her intently. “About what?”
“I’ve missed you, Lils.” He scooted closer to her, lifted an arm and draped it over her shoulders.
“We see each other every day at school,” Lily said, trying and failing to not let his proximity affect her. They’ve sat like this before, but this didn’t feel quite as innocent as it did when they were eleven. It felt like he was testing something out.
“Yeah, but I didn’t see you all summer and we haven’t really spent much time together the past few weeks outside of school, what with football and homework and you avoiding me like the plague.”
She looked at him, found him already eyeing her, his face only inches from hers. Oh, he was definitely doing this on purpose, whatever this even was. And he was wearing cologne, too, and it was really nice cologne. Probably French. She turned her face away and frowned.
“How’s Amelie?” she asked, her voice smaller than she had intended.
She felt his chest expand as he took a long, audible breath. “I knew it was something to do with her. Lily, I told you. Amelie is…”
“Just a girl. I know. Don’t start with that again. It’s complete crap and you know it.” She was being petulant and she knew it, but this was the first time they’d been truly alone since her father had all but forced her to admit she had feelings for James. She was struggling to remember how to behave around him.
“I was going to say that Amelie is not my girlfriend, actually.” He sighed and moved his arm from her shoulders, dropped it to rest between them, but didn’t otherwise move away from her. “Look, I didn’t know what to say when you brought it up the first day of school. We hadn’t really figured it all out yet. I mean, I knew how I felt about the situation, but I didn’t know how she felt and I didn’t want to just dismiss everything without having it all out with her.”
“And?”
“What?”
“Did you have it all out with her?”
“Yeah, I did. Literally that night that you saw the text,” James said, sounding a bit exasperated with her. “I told her that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her.”
Lily thought that maybe she should let it go, drop the topic he was clearly ready to be shot of, but damn if she didn’t want to know every last detail of his life, and especially this aspect of it. “What did she say?”
“That she didn’t want a long-distance relationship either.”
“But she does want you.” Of course she did. He was James Potter and even before he came back from France totally transformed, he had been electric and energetic and bold and fun and annoyingly intelligent and absolutely wonderful and thoughtful. How could Amelie not want him? How could it have taken Lily this long to realize that she wanted him too?
“Does it matter? The only way she could have me would be long-distance, and only if I wanted to be with her, which I don’t.”
“But she’s always texting you!”
“No, she isn’t,” he looked genuinely confused, and Lily felt the same. “I haven’t talked to her since like a week into the school year.”
“You haven’t?” Lily asked.
“No, Lily, I haven’t.”
“But then who’s been texting you?”
He shrugged. “Different people. Blokes who want to try out for football. My mum telling me to go run errands for her, reminding me I owe her since she bought me a fucking car. Sirius and Remus and Peter giving me shit about…well, just giving me shit. But not Amelie.”
She could have pressed him about what the boys were giving him shit about, but that wasn’t her main concern. “You don’t like her?”
“She’s very nice, and she’s lovely and I like her and respect her as a person, but I don’t fancy her, no.”
“You liked her enough to snog her over summer,” Lily said.
“I don’t like that,” James said suddenly, frowning at her.
“What?” she said defensively.
“I don’t like that you keep throwing her around in my face,” he said. For a moment, she thought that was all he was going to say, but then he grew visibly frustrated and his hands flew to his hair and his eyes narrowed as he looked at her resentfully. “You never used to hold things against me. You never acted like this around me before.”
“I don’t know how to be around you anymore!” Lily said, her voice several octaves too high and verging on shrieking.
“Well, I don’t know what to do about that, Lily!” James all but shouted and it was comforting, that they were finally fighting like they always did. “I don’t know how to fix that unless you talk to me about it!”
“You can’t fix it! Not unless you plan to get rid of that ridiculous hair!” She shouted, growing frantic.
“My hair?” He was so caught off guard that he didn’t even yell it. His head cocked, and he studied her with a bemused frown.
“And your stupid arms! And what the hell happened to your face? Like, you got new specs and all of a sudden everything is ridiculously proportionate and nearly symmetrical and you were never so tan before, and…”
She was ranting, and she had no idea, really, what she was saying, but she would surely be embarrassed later. She paused, chest heaving, frustration still fueling the need to spew more ridiculous accusations.
He kissed her, then, didn’t wait for her to catch her breath. He only had to angle his face towards her, didn’t have to shift his entire torso closer, but he did anyway, gripping her waist with one hand and pulling their bodies close together. Her fingers were in his hair when his tongue slipped into her mouth. She closed her hands into fists, tugging at his hair and pulling him closer.
Following the cues she didn’t realize she was sending, he pressed his chest into her, slid a hand to the back of her head, and used the hand on her waist to guide her back down to the couch cushions, settling on top of her with a delicious pressure. She parted her legs - which she thought she might be embarrassed about later, when she could think anything again - and he settled his hips easily between them, and he rested most of his upper body weight on the elbow of the hand he had stroking through her hair. All Lily could manage to do was alternate between tugging at his hair and stroking his biceps and keeping her lips moving clumsily against his.
James knew what he was doing, had clearly spent a lot of time kissing over the summer – but she didn’t want to think about that. Not now. He didn’t seem to mind that she wasn’t all that certain what she should do, that her lips didn’t move as precisely against his, her tongue as surely. She hadn’t kissed very many people, hadn’t properly snogged anyone unless you counted that one awful, wet, lengthy kiss she’d shared with Erik Dumas two years ago, a truly horrific experience that had put her off kissing for a time. James seemed to appreciate her enthusiasm, anyway.
She was just getting the hang of it, settling into a rhythm, when she came to her senses. She couldn’t do this. They couldn’t do this. It would change everything. It could ruin everything. Twelve years of friendship thrown away because she couldn’t control her jealousy of a girl she’d never met.
“Wait, wait, stop,” she whimpered, and had to force her hands to stop pulling him closer, to push gently at his chest, to let him know she meant what she was saying, but wasn’t upset with him.
He let up immediately, pushing himself up to kneel above her, staring down at her with a delightfully wild look in his eyes. She shoved up onto her elbows. He must have seen the uncertainty in her expression because he shifted so that he was seated against the arm of the couch. She hesitated for only a moment before she followed him, sitting as close to him as she could without climbing into his lap.
“Lily, I don’t… I don’t understand what you want from me,” he said, but he didn’t protest when she pressed herself into his side.
“I don’t want things to change between us,” she whispered, but her face was pressed into the side of his neck, her lips brushing against his pulse point.
“Things are already changing between us,” James said, turning his face towards her so that she had to pull away and meet his gaze. “I can’t look at you without wanting to be closer to you, without wanting to do things with you that I shouldn’t want to do with my best friend.”
“What kind of things?” Lily asked against her better judgment. If she pushed, she knew he’d tell her exactly what he wanted to do with her, and she would be hard pressed to tell him she didn’t want to do the exact same things with him.
He quirked a brow at her, smirked a bit. “Not best friend things.”
“What, like, girlfriend things?” Lily asked shyly.
“Yeah, girlfriend things, Lils,” James said, and pressed a quick kiss to her mouth, pulling away almost immediately, as if he’d been unable to resist temptation. “And you shouldn’t be thinking about my stupid hair and arms and symmetrical face and…”
“Nearly symmetrical,” Lily corrected, tracing his lips absently with her fingers. “You’ve still got that wonky mouth.”
“Hands off my wonky mouth unless you want to see what it can do,” he said without malice, catching her hand in his and pressing a quick kiss to her fingers before pulling them away from his face. He kept hold of her hand, though, as he continued. “My point is, we clearly don’t see each other as just best friends anymore.”
“But we are best friends.”
“Of course we are.” James sighed and tugged at his hair and Lily was reminded of how she had buried her hands in those very strands just moments before. “We always will be, but Lily, we could be so much more.”
“What we have is… perfect?” Lily said, but she knew she didn’t sound convincing. Because she wasn’t convinced herself. “It works for us?”
“Yeah, maybe when we were five… ten… twelve, fifteen, even, it was fine,” James said fervently, gripping her hand tighter and staring intensely into her eyes, as if he had wanted to say this to her for a very long time, longer than just since he’d come back from France, she realized. “It’s getting really hard for me to act like I don’t feel differently…but if you don’t want this, I…of course I’ll still be your best friend. I just need you to…you can’t shut me out over other girls. It’s not fair. We’re seventeen and just because you won’t date me…you can’t ask me not to have any interest in any other girls if I can’t have you.”
“I don’t want you to date other girls!” she whined, feeling on the verge of tears at the mere thought.
“I don’t want to date other girls, either, but I need you to tell me what you do want. You keep getting all jealous any time another girl so much as looks at me, but then you go and say we shouldn’t do this. Lily, don’t think about should and shouldn’t,” he pleaded, turning his entire body so that his back was to the arm of the couch and his knee was pressing not at all uncomfortably into her side. “What do you want?”
“I want to be with you,” she admitted quietly. “I want to snog you, like, all the time, and I want to hang out with you everyday and I want us to talk about everything. Even things that don’t matter to anyone else.”
“So, you want to be my girlfriend,” he surmised, his expression so full of hope that she could do nothing but nod.
“Yes,” she whispered shakily. “I want to be your everything.”
“Good, that’s exactly what I want.” He leaned forward, started to kiss her again, but she pressed her hand to his chest, turned her face away. He let his forehead fall to her shoulder with a groan. “Every time I think we’re getting somewhere. What now?”
“We’re so young, James,” she worried out loud. “People who get together this young, they don’t last forever.”
“Sometimes they do,” he said. “We could.”
“My parents didn’t,” Lily whispered against his mouth when he pressed his lips to hers again, briefly.
She felt him hesitate, then his arms slid around her waist again. When he lifted his head, she met his gaze, found sympathy and understanding there, and a promise.
“We’re not your parents, Lily,” he said. “It won’t be like that.”
She pulled one of his hands into hers so she could play with his fingers, finding that now that she had begun touching him, she couldn’t stop. He seemed to like it, which made it even harder for her to stop. “What makes you so sure?”
“Because we were best friends first, and we’ll always be best friends first. Because we’ve loved each other since we were five and nothing is going to change that.” There was nothing in his eyes but love and sincerity as he slid his hands up to cup her face, pulled her closer so their foreheads were touching. “And even if we date for a while and decide we’re better as friends, I know we can make it work. Because I refuse to lose you in whatever capacity I can have you.”
“Okay,” she whispered against his lips.
“Okay?” he asked, eyes lighting up with hope.
“Okay,” she repeated with a wide grin, tossing a leg across his thighs and settling over his lap like she’d wanted to do for weeks.
They stayed on the couch for hours, paying no mind when the light gradually dimmed outside. Their hands explored and their lips wandered and their clothing, with the exception of his shirt, miraculously remained on.
Finally, after months of yearning for it, she was able to get her hands on his bare chest and stomach. It was even better than she’d dreamed because she hadn’t known the little sounds he would gasp as her nails raked gently over his skin, hadn’t had any clue that she’d be able to feel his muscles tense at her touch, had never even imagined that her exploration would make him frantic to kiss her even more thoroughly.
The overhead light switched on suddenly and they sprang apart when they heard her father shout in surprise. There was a dull thud as his briefcase fell from shocked fingers, then he flipped the switch and darkness washed over them all again.
James, who had once again maneuvered them so that he was lying on top of Lily, rolled off of her, stooped to pick up his shirt, pulled it on, and started buttoning it hastily, all the while apologizing profusely. Lily sat up and straightened the skirt of her dress, ran her fingers through her hair, which James had long since freed from its plait, and laughed.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Evans. This won’t happen again,” James was saying when Lily crossed the room to switch the light back on.
“Don’t lie to my father, James,” Lily said, turning to face her father, who seemed to be contemplating gouging his eyes out with his own hands.
“So you’re really doing this, then? For real?” Her father asked, studying her carefully.
She wondered what he saw. Flushed cheeks, wild hair, rumpled clothes, lively eyes, the widest, most sincere grin she’d probably ever sported? She nodded as James crossed the room and stopped just beside her. “Yeah, we are.”
“Mr. Evans, I want you to know that I really, truly…” James started, sounding nervous for the first time all day.
Her father cut him off with a wave of his hand. “I know you love her, we don’t need to have this conversation.”
James gaped at him for a moment, mouth opening and closing stupidly. “Well, yeah…But…We don’t?”
“Nah, I’ve known you since you were five,” her father said cheerfully as he bent to pick up his briefcase. “You know better than anyone that I’ll murder you in broad daylight in the middle of the street if you hurt my little girl.”
Lily rolled her eyes, but James was grinning when he slid his arm around her waist, pulled her close to his side. “Don’t worry, I won’t.”
“No, you won’t,” her father said, turning his back to them and starting up the stairs, briefcase in hand. He was halfway up the stairs when he glanced back at them, started to say something, stopped abruptly when he found them kissing again. He sighed and shook his head. “That is going to take a lot of getting used to.”
“Sorry,” James said again, pulling away, but he didn’t sound particularly apologetic anymore.
“I’m going to change out of this damn suit and have a moment to collect my thoughts and you two are going to go down the road to that curry place we all love so much and order enough for the three of us to eat as we chat about the new house rules,” her father said.
“New rules?” Lily asked.
“Yes, new rules,” her father said. “If you think you’re still allowed to have him over for hours at a time when I’m not home after what I just walked into, you’re out of your mind.”
“But, Dad!”
“No, you can argue when we’re all talking over curry, but I should warn you, I’ve had a week to come up with these rules. I’m pretty convinced of them.”
“A week?” James repeated with a bemused frown. “But?”
Lily hastily took James’s hand and pulled him to the door. James knew that she had a very close relationship with her father, but she wasn’t quite ready to tell him that she’d resorted to talking to her father about her feelings for him. “Let’s just go, okay?”
“Oh, James?” Her father said when her hand was on the door. James stopped, pulled Lily to a halt, and looked over his shoulder. “You may want to fix your shirt. You missed a few buttons.”
Lily dropped her gaze to the front of his shirt, and laughed. “Oh my God, you’re a mess.”
“You love it,” James said, slipping his hand from hers so that he could fix his shirt even as he walked past her out the door.
“Yeah, I do,” she said as she followed him and closed the door behind them.
Alone, on the stairs, her father shook his head, and smiled.