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Shangqi was awake. Not by choice. In the way that he could still feel the ghost of blood on this hands all these years later. When the past refused to stay in the past.
Eventually he opted to make his way to the kitchen.
Shangqi sees Yelena in the light of the fridge wearing an oversized shirt and sweat pants.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"Yeah. Stupid assassin childhood" he muttered.
Yelena let out a dry laugh with no actual humor in it. "Two nickels,"
"Huh?"
"It's a show reference. Never mind. What I'm trying to say is we're in the same boat, friend."
"Huh." Shangqi said. "Can you pass me the cheese slices?"
Yelena tossed the bag with pinpoint accuracy even in the dark.
Shangqi took out a slice and raised it in the air. "A toast to the shittiest parents ever."
Yelena laughed. "Cheers to that."
***
"So what do you usually do while you're up?" Shangqi followed Yelena down the hall.
"You'll see."
Shangqi wasn't quite sure where they were going but he also didn't really care. It was nice not being alone.
"Ta-da!" Yelena said, opening the door to the movie room.
Technically the official name was the media room but it was basically a movie room with a large TV and many plush chairs, couches, and bean bags.
Walking in, the dimmed mood lighting flickered on.
"You get the popcorn ready, I'll get the movie going." she said gesturing towards the microwave.
Shangqi laughed. "You got it boss."
They ended up watching Lilo and Stich. It was his first time watching and he thought it was cute. He could see why Yelena picked it. Shangqi would be lying if he said he wasn't crying at least a little bit when Lilo got taken away despite Nani's best efforts.
They didn't talk about the prevailing elephant in the room per say but Shangqi felt comforted in fact that he wasn't alone. There was blood in their pasts but there was also friends and movie nights in their present. She understood what it was like and instead of judging like he'd feared, she'd let him in.
Yelena next to him on the couch, it reminded him or easier times before he was an avenger. It wasn't that he disliked being an avenger, rather that sometimes he just needed a sense of normalcy. As he fell asleep, Shangqi felt a little bit more like he belonged.
The second time it happened it was Ava.
He was awake after a nightmare again, guilt threatening to consume him. Shangqi felt fidgety and pacing around his room wasn't cutting it.
He opted for the training room, just something to quiet his raging thoughts.
From the hall, he could see the lights on. Shangqi stood up a little straighter just in case someone else was in there.
Inside, he just saw Ava breathing fast on the edge of one of the benches.
"Hey there Starr." he said.
No response.
He'd been there too many times before, panic overflowing most logical thought. Quietly, he padded over to the bench and sat down next to her.
"Ava?"
Her eyes flicked up to meet his. Shangqi's hand hovered over hers, not wanting to startle her more.
Almost instantly, Ava moved to grab it. Only it didn't quite work and her hand phased through his.
Her breath picked up. Shanqi was steady, keeping his hand over where her's was, even if neither of them could feel it.
"Hey, look at me. We're in the training room, we are safe. I'm here with you. You're here."
Cautiauly Ava moved to squeeze his hand and this time he felt it.
"There we go Starshine," Shangqi said softly.
Ava closed the distance and hugged him, firm like she was scared she might dissolve at any second. Shangqi held her, providing an anchor in an otherwise wild and scary world.
They say in the quiet, neither of them moving. Shangqi had only known her for a few months but they drew close fast. It helped that both of them were from San Fransisco and desperately homesick.
They had each other and that made it easier.
Shangqi was up again. He felt tired and hated it. If the wasn't alert, his brain told him he was vulnerable and yet at the same time he felt too on edge to get back to sleep.
So he opted for the poison of choice that had got him through many a late night: caffeine.
When he got to the kitchen Bucky was already in there with a cup of coffee of his own.
"Long night?" Shangqi asked.
"Yeah."
"Does— Does it ever get easier?"
"You tell me, kid." Bucky joked. "But uh, in all seriousness I'm not sure it gets easier exactly but over time… it does get less lonely."
"Huh, yeah. Thanks"
Shangqi never thought he'd find anyone, much less a whole team of friends that would understand what he's gone though. Yes it sucked that they'd all gone through their fair share of evil organizations but all of them had made it out.
Shangqi had made it out.
It wasn't pretty some days but he was still there. He was doing something good. He had friends. He had Joaquin. Right now he couldn't have asked for anything more.