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Todd wakes up in one of his frantic rushes. His eyes dart around the room, breath heavy.
As he continues to look around in a panic, he looks beside himself, his shoulders dropping.
He slowly relaxes, realizing he's in bed, laying next to his husband, Charlie.
Still, after years, he had that dream again.
That feels like it'll never leave me.
Todd tiredly blinks, looking up at the ceiling. He hasn't gotten a full nights sleep in such a long, long time.
He hasn't slept through the night since Neil died, which was years ago.
He closes his eyes, trying to get some more rest.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Opening his eyes, he looks over at the clock with annoyance.
1:28.
The stupid thing starts to feel like it's mocking him. It's becoming insufferable.
That sound.
He sighs, wanting to bury into himself, but finally getting out of bed. He's surprised that Charlie hasn't abruptly woken up yet, like he usually does.
Especially when nights are like this.
As he walks into the bathroom, he stops to stare at himself. He looks... horrible.
His eyes are sunken. His skin is dry. He looks as if he were dead.
Dead. Neil's dead.
He starts thinking about him, how inseparable they were. Todd misses the way Neil kissed him, how he held him.
How he loved Todd with everything he had.
He will forever and always hate Mr. Perry for taking that happiness, that brightness away from him for the rest of his life.
Although it's been over 10 years since Neil died, the whole situation still makes him depressed, especially when he thinks into it far too much than he should be.
As he numbingly continues looking at himself in the mirror, he starts thinking of Charlie, whos still in the bedroom. He can't help but smile.
A few years after Neil killed himself, him and Charlie reconciled at a party. It was nice talking to him again after the whole expelling situation back at Welton (they both had agreed that Cameron deserved that punch), and Todd had missed him way too much then he thought he had beforehand.
As the reconciliation continued, they ended up talking to each other about serious feelings between the two, which resulted with Charlie leaning into Todd, pressing his lips against his.
They got married last year, one of the best days both Todd and Charlie have ever had. They've recently been thinking of adoption.
Todd looks down at his hand to the ring Charlie had gotten him when he proposed, and his smile grows a bit.
It's a nice blue, exactly the same color as his eyes. It sparkles during late nights. Charlie loves him with everything he has, and Todd notices how much similar Neil and Charlie are, especially personality wise.
As he continues to think, still smiling, he feels gentle hands rest on his waist from behind.
"Oh, Charlie. Hey." Todd murmurs softly, voice full of tiredness. His voice is constantly full of it anyway, so that's never new.
Charlie pulls him into his arms, making him melt into the embrace.
"Todd, baby. Love," he sleepily murmurs with such sweet softness, "Why are you up this late? You're getting cold." his arms squeeze a bit. Gentle, but full of concern.
Todd shrugs. "I had a bad dream again."
"The one about Neil?"
"I–yes," there was no point in lying.
Charlie gently twirls Todd around to look at him.
"Todd, you've been having the same dream for the past 3 or so years now. I think—" he pauses before hesitantly continuing, voice small. "I think you should look into therapy."
Silence.
Todd blinks a few times, eyes widening. "What? Why?" He's lost for words. "I'm fine. I really am fine, Charlie."
He shakes his head. "You screamed bloody murder last night after that dream. You fucking screamed, and sobbed in my arms, Todd."
Todd bites his lip and looks away. "No. I'm not—" his clears his throat uncomfortably, trying to prevent the shakiness but failing. "I'm not going to therapy, and that's final."
He slowly feels guilt for becoming defensive, but he doesn't want to be viewed as weak.
He hates the way he's acting.
Slowly running his hand down his face, Charlie sighs, slowly nodding in defeat.
"Alright. Let me take you back to bed, okay?"
Todd just nods while staring at nothing, no longer speaking.
Todd works at a poetry workshop. He loves the environment, it's peaceful. Just him, and poetry.
Nothing else.
Usually, however.. he's not there. Mentally. He just stares out into space, wondering what could've been.
If he could've saved Neil, somehow. Maybe things would be okay.
As he continues to wonder, a hand slides down his arm, causing him to violently jolt.
Charlie visited, holding a container of food for Todd, grinning at him.
"Charlie, What—What're you–" Sputtering over his words, his voice is full of genuine surprise.
He gently smiles at Todd. "I wanted to see my husband. I was a little worried about you today," his smile slowly starts to fade. "You forgot to take the lunch you made yesterday, so–" he gestures to the container in his hand.
Charlie brought him his lunch. Todd's heart melts.
"Oh wow, I–" Unsure of what to say, but still grateful in every way, he stands up and hugs him.
Charlie's smile reappears as he wraps his arms around Todd, running his hands up and down his back comfortably. "I just want to make sure you eat. I want you to take care of yourself, darling."
He ruffles Todd's soft, blonde hair, making him sigh with content.
Todd gives him a tired smile, and Charlie's lips brush against his own.
It had been a long day, so they ended it with cuddles and kisses in their bed.
Todd blushes a bit as Charlie starts to kiss at his neck softly, and he can't help but lean closer to him.
"Charlie," Todd murmurs almost to himself. His mind is quiet, feeling full of love and safety.
Charlie smiles and continues his movements, leading Todd to gently wrap his arms around his neck, quietly sighing.
When he feels Charlie's hands move up and down his sides, he gets a memory.
A memory of Neil.
Neil would do this. Neil would do this all the time.
"You're gorgeous, Todd." Neil whispered in his ear, his hands ran up and down his sides slowly.
Todd blushed. "Really?"
He nodded. "Yes. God, Todd. I love you so much."
I love you.
"Todd?"
I love you.
"Todd, are you okay?"
I love you.
Todd feels gentle hands cup his cheeks. Gasping for air, he realizes he's crying.
Charlie looks down at him, face full of shock but mainly concern.
"Baby, what's wrong?"
Gently pushing him away, Todd stammers, voice shaking violently. "Charlie, I can't—I can't do this tonight, I–"
He's pulled into a hug, gently squeezed.
"Todd, it's okay. I understand," Charlie softly whispers, leaning in closer to comfort him.
Still sobbing frantically, he buries his face in Charlie's shoulder, wanting to hide from the cruel world.
"Was it about Neil again?" Charlie asks, voice full of concern, and over time, unidentified irritation.
Todd just nods, and his eyes widen a bit as he hears a quiet, angry sigh from Charlie.
"Alright. We should get some rest."
As Todd falls asleep, he notices Charlie's face start growing of... Anger? Frustration? Sadness? Everything???
Before he can think much about what any of that could mean, he has already fallen into a deep sleep.
Charlie's been.. distant.
He gives Todd short responses or just a nod. He isn't showing up at Todd's workplace anymore, either. They also haven't been saying goodnight or goodmorning to each other recently.
It's been giving Todd bad feelings, and he ends up planning to talk to Charlie later.
As he opens the door, he's hit with a sweet and savory smell of food. He smiles a bit as he closes the door behind him, walking into the kitchen.
Charlie is there, extremely focusing on said food. Todd looks over, wondering what's being made. It's chili, one of both of their favorite meals to have after a long, cold day.
Todd slowly takes a deep breath. "Charlie, hi."
Charlie slowly turns around, eyes slowly softening, but immediately hardening in a flash. It makes Todd's stomach drop.
"Hey, Todd." he replies.
They silently stare at each other, the tension slowly eating at the both of them.
Todd takes a moment before talking again, making sure his words come out coherently and not stuttering. "I was–" fail. "I was wondering if we could talk later. If you want to, of course." He quickly rushes out the last words.
Charlie blinks. "Why not now?"
Todd stares at his husband, any and all thoughts he had before this have completely vanished. "What? Well I–uh—"
"Todd, do you want to get better or not?" He interrupts, voice slowly turning into frustration.
"Charlie, what—"
"I can't be Neil, and you know what? It's draining. It's draining knowing that whenever we have some sort of moment with each other, you always get reminded of him. He's been dead for an entire decade, Todd. You refuse to get any sort of help, and you worry me. Every single night."
"Charlie, no! I don't want—" Todd shudders. "I don't want you to be Neil. Never. I just—I just want you to be you!"
Charlie's eyes darken. "Then why can't you ever open up to me about anything? What exactly do you want, Todd?" He puts the spoon down, lowering the heat of the burner.
When he hears no response, he walks towards Todd, anger now evident in his voice.
"All you ever do is push your problems away, making it all pile up, making it so much worse for yourself. You can't even function at all!" His voice rises. "You just sit or lay there, staring at the damn wall or ceiling. I'm worried, Todd. I'm worried that you're gonna end up fucking killing yourself—"
"No, no, no!" Todd frantically cries out, eyes widening. "I would never do that to you, Charlie! I can't even imagine—"
"Then go. Go to fucking therapy. I'm sick of you having that dream of Neil killing himself. Every night. I don't want you screaming and crying when you wake up late, thinking that it was your fault for what happened."
Charlie's eyes water, fists clenching with frustration. "It will— it will never be your fault for what happened on that day. I love you, Todd, and I—"
"Charlie. I don't need therapy." he replies, voice hesitant, but still defensive. "I'm fine, I really am."
Knowing that Todd completely ignored his I love you, along with his speech, Charlie completely snaps.
"Fuck it!" He pushes the chili off the heater, the pot slamming onto the ground and spilling all over. Todd jumps, eyes widening.
The last time he's seen Charlie this angry, it was when he punched Cameron, all the way back from Welton.
"If you don't want to get better, I'm leaving!"
I'm leaving.
Todd stares blankly as Charlie walks down the hall, who's furiously putting his jacket on, hands shaking as he fumbles with the zipper. He angrily shakes his head as the zipper gets stuck, giving up on it and grabbing his keys.
"Charlie, wait—" Todd starts. "I'm—I'm sorry.."
Charlie doesn't respond, putting his shoes on.
"Please, don't go.."
He finally looks at Todd, anger still evident. "I can't help you if you won't let me. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
Todd doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what he can say.
Shaking his head, still full of hurt, Charlie closes the door behind him.
Complete silence.
Todd just blinks, not realizing tears are sliding down his cheeks. He feels absolutely pathetic.
A moment later, he grabs a mop and whatever cleaning supplies are around him, cleaning up whatever he can, feeling horrible.
As he washes the pot, he notices a dent, quietly sighing miserably to himself.
After he cleans everything up, he goes to bed, no longer hungry. He just wants this day to be over by now.
Todd blankly stares at the ceiling, thinking about him and Charlie's argument. He can't believe he threw back Charlie's words to him, ignoring what he told him.
Charlie was right. He needs therapy. His deep depression is going to kill him if he doesn't do anything at this point.
Worried, he gets out of bed. He didn't even sleep that much, and he wants to know if his husband is okay.
He goes downstairs, grabbing his jacket. As he heads towards the door, it opens.
Charlie came back.
Charlie's eyes widen a bit as he's face to face with Todd, obviously not expecting to see him this late, looking a bit hesitant with stepping inside.
Todd backs up, letting him in, and closing the door.
Charlie immediately grabs Todd, holding him in his arms, shaking. Full of guilt.
"Todd, I'm—" Charlie starts, voice cracking. "Oh, God. I was so angry. You didn't— you didn't deserve any of that. I'm so sorry—"
Todd quickly hugs Charlie back and crushes himself against his chest, leading Charlie to make an "oof" noise.
"It's okay, Charlie. I wasn't listening to you, and I—"
Charlie gives Todd a gentle shake. "Stop. Stop making excuses for my bad behavior. I shouldn't throw things around just because I'm angry. I should know better," He presses a kiss to his forehead. "I know that this is difficult for you, and I've been being very pushy."
Todd just nods, eyes filling with tears. "But—but it's not fair to you either, Charlie. You shouldn't—" he sniffles. "You shouldn't just stand there and let me compare you to someone you're not."
Charlie gives him a half smile. "Yeah, that is true, but we both did and said some things that definitely shouldn't have happened."
As they quietly continue to hug each other, Charlie breaks the hug, slowly taking off Todd's jacket, and placing it back up on the hanger, along with his own.
Todd is quiet and whispers, "Charlie, I–"
He looks at Todd, giving him his full attention.
"You were— you were right. I should get the help that I need. Therapy, I mean—" Voice trailing off, he looks away.
Charlie's eyes soften, nodding and gesturing for Todd to continue.
He slowly looks back at him. "I just don't want to be seen or viewed as someone who's weak, you know? If that makes any sense. I just—" his voice shakes, full of vulnerability. "I don't want to be judged."
"Todd, no—" Charlie's voice becomes low with seriousness, but still soft. "Why did you never tell me that? We could've—I could've done something. I would do anything for you if that results in you getting help."
Todd just shrugs, eyes still watering. He dislikes how much he's been tearing up today.
As he wipes his eyes, Charlie gives him a very slow, gentle kiss. "We'll get you a therapist, alright? I want you to heal from this depression you've been going through for so long," He gives Todd a hopeful smile. "I want to see you get better, sweetheart."
Todd nods. "Okay."
Charlie grins, but it slowly fades as he looks around their house. "Hey, Todd. What happened to the pot? You know—" he blushes, embarrassed of his earlier act of anger. "The one I was making dinner with?"
"I cleaned the pot up already, Charlie. There's a noticeable dent on the side of it," Seeing Charlies eyes widen in shock, Todd quickly adds with a grin, "but it's not too bad!"
Charlie sighs. "Fuck, I'm an idiot."
It's quiet for a moment until there's a soft snort, slowly turning into a giggle.
His eyes widen with surprise as that's Todd. Todd's laugh.
As he looks over at the other boy in his arms, he's laughing. Actually laughing. Not fake. Not quiet. Never mocking.
Natural laughing.
Todd hasn't laughed like this in months, and he feels a sense of relief in his chest.
Charlie smiles, ruffling Todd's hair. He missed this. Oh, so much.
"I love you, Todd."
Todd stops, softly grinning. The smile still has that tiredness to it, but he already feels somewhat better.
"I love you too, Charlie."
3 weeks later
Todd and Charlie sit in the lobby, waiting to be called.
"Charlie, what if—what if my problems are not as bad compared to others?" Todd asks warily, his left leg shaking with anxiety.
Charlie gives a reassuring smile, resting his hand on the shaking leg, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You'll be fine, darling. Everyone has their own problems, and it shouldn't be compared. Everyone needs help sometimes, and it shouldn't be shunned."
Todd nods, resting his hand on Charlie's. "Yeah, you're right. I just don't know why I'm so afraid of going. I know that I need this, but still.."
"Because it's new, Todd. It's normal to be afraid, especially when it's new." Charlie thinks for a moment before continuing, "If you want to, I can go inside the therapist's office with you to give you some support for the first meeting."
At that, Charlie's words soothe Todd, finally making his leg stop shaking.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like if you went with me for the first time, Charlie."
Charlie nods, giving him another small, reassuring smile, opening his mouth to say more until—
"Mr. Todd Dalton?"
Todd blushes, forgetting about the last name change, even if they've been married for a year at this point. Charlie can't help the soft chuckle that escapes his throat.
They both get up, walking towards the woman.
"Hello! You must be Todd," She offers a gentle smile and a handshake, that he happily takes right away. "I'm your therapist, Maria, and it's very nice to meet you!"
She looks over at Charlie, giving him a smile as well.
He introduces himself, "Hi, I'm Charlie, and I was just hoping if it would be alright that I can help Todd with his session."
Maria nods. "Of course! You can come along. I'll just be asking him questions as this is the first visit."
Charlie nods, comforting Todd by resting his hand on his lower back. "Alright."
As they walk to her office, Todd's lost in thought. He misses Neil, and he wonders if he always will miss him. He's always going to remember him, the memories that they've shared. However, he no longer wants to sulk about him. It's killing him. Eating away at him. Making him unable to properly function in his daily life.
He wants to get better for Charlie. He wants to get better for their future child when they eventually adopt. He wants to get better for himself in general. He wants to learn how to love himself again. He wants to enjoy his workplace, where he does poetry.
He wants to enjoy poetry again.
He gets out of his thoughts as he feels the hand on his lower back gently run up and down softly.
Looking next to him, he notices Charlie studying his face, wondering.
"Todd? You okay?" He gently chuckles, slightly concerned. "You weren't there for a sec."
Slowly, Todd smiles.
"Yeah, I think so."
Charlie nods slightly, but still grabs Todd's hand, comforting him.
He knows that this is going to be a long process, and although he'll have his rough days, he doesn't want to give up.
Charlie loves him, and wouldn't ever give up on him. Even if they may have their heated moments, they'll always be there for each other.
As Todd takes a deep breath, they both step inside Maria's office, the door quietly closing behind them.