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Shane isn’t happy when he’s woken up from Hayden’s loud laughter. The man snorts even and doesn’t seem the least bit ashamed when Shane glares at him from his bed. Hayden looks at Shane, wild smile, and starts laughing again. Shane feels his phone buzzing. What the hell?
“What time is it?”
“Six.”
“Okay, let me rephrase, why the fuck are you up at six in the morning?” Shane asks, trying to bury his face in the pillow. Maybe he’d suffocate and fall into unconsciousness.
“Look at your phone dude.” Hayden says as the door is being knocked on.
“It’s too fucking early for this.” Shane practically growls. Hayden is letting people into their room. “Dude!” He nearly yells as other people enter their space.
“Rozanov is a fucking fag. I knew it!” JJ says, falling back on the bed with Shane while laughing. Shane feels even more lost.
“What?” He feels sick.
“Dude, look at your phone.” Hayden says again and Shane is sitting up now. Drapeau and Comeau sitting on Hayden’s bed. The whole room is buzzing with laughter. Shane does now, he sees a mix of ninety seven text messages, ESPN notifications, and twitter notifications. He wants to know how the hell he slept through them all. Hayden resends a link and winks at him.
“Just wait!” Drapeau is laughing with Hayden. Shane opens the link and he’s faced with Rozanov. A young Rozanov, likely from when they were sixteen or seventeen because he could still immediately recognize him. Maybe eighteen, but seeing that long gone boyish face reminds him of the Prospect Cup.
“What is this?” Shane asks, looking at everyone.
“You have to watch it Shane.” Hayden explains and he feels sick to his stomach. It’s not a long video, barely twenty seconds but it clearly shows Rozanov without a shirt on in bed. Another man in his arms without a shirt. A woman, Svetlana he knew her from instagram, is giggling. She sounds drunk, they all do, but how the video is being shot you can tell neither man had underwear on.
“He looks young.” Shane says, stomach turning. Ilya was sporting that soft gooey face he gets after sex, this is a sex tape.
“That’s what you’re focused on? Seriously?” JJ asks, eyebrows raised high.
“Yeah, he doesn’t even look eighteen.” Shane points out, this wasn’t a video for them to be watching.
“It was leaked by Rozanov’s brother.” Comeau informs him, laughter ghosting his tongue yet.
“I knew something was wrong with that fucker.” Drapeau laughs. With the laughter bubbling in the room all Shane could think of was the fact Rozanov was outted.
“What do you mean?” Shane asks, confused a bit. He thinks he knows what they mean, but he has to be sure of it.
“Fucker is gay! Gay as a pride parade!” JJ laughs, the others joining in. If that’s how Shane’s friends reacted to another guy, another player, how would they if it was Shane who had been? He can hear their words and he rewatched the video, his blankets pooled at his legs. Rozanov is whispering something is Russian in the other man’s ear. It makes the man smile, that’s probably why the girl was laughing.
“I need to go for my run.” Shane decides then, getting up. He’s shoving clothes in his duffle, mind running too fast to truly think.
“You run at seven thirty.” Hayden complains.
“Well, everyone is awake and laughing, my routine is thrown off. Might as well let me go for my run.”
“Maybe you’ll be less of a bitch when you get back.” JJ comments.
“Get the stick out of your ass Hollzy.” Comeau agrees with JJ.
“Want me to come with you?” Hayden asks as Shane ties his sneakers. Shane wanted absolutely no one to come with him.
“No. I’m good.” He grabs his headphones he won’t be using and heads out the door.
His mom used to say he ran from his feelings, not literally all the time. That being said more than once she had to get him out of a play structure because he was crying so hard. No, he ran for his feelings. The rhythmic motion and mind numbness made it worth while. They were in Buffalo, he hated Buffalo. It’s still dark out and he pauses when he sees a playground. A high castle structure near the top. He doesn’t think, he climbs it hoping the weight limit would not be just him. He hides in it, takes two deep breaths, and calls Rozanov. It calls three times, like they had agreed for emergencies. This is an emergency.
“What Hollander?” Rozanov sounds rough. Like maybe he’s been crying? Maybe he’s been screaming?
“What are you doing?”
“In bed with Svetlana.”
“Oh. Who’s that?” He can’t say he’s stalked Svetlana on the internet.
“Friend. She came to stay.”
“Are you in Boston?”
“Yes.”
“Are you okay?” It’s a loaded question, no one would be okay in this scenario.
“Yes. Probably.” A deep sigh from the other side of the phone, “maybe not.” It’s a confession and Shane can’t imagine what he’s thinking. Shane would kill himself if it got leaked the what Rozanov’s just did.
“JJ said it was your brother…” he doesn’t remember who said it, but Rozanov hates JJ so it works. He hears a deep breath on the other side of the line.
“It was.”
“Why?” He hears a noise come out of Rozanov’s mouth he can’t understand or decipher. “Hey, you’re okay.” Shane says then in an attempt to be comforting. Rozanov has a hysterical laugh.
“I know. Go for run Shane. Is okay. Have good day.”
“We’re talking.”
“Have good day. Bye.”
“Bye bye.” Shane whispers and the line goes dead. He looks around the playground, when they lost the prospect cup years ago his mom took him to one like this. Maybe Rozanov needs to swing now so he can clear his mind. It worked before for Shane, he doubts Rozanov will search for a healthy outlet.
An idea comes to him immediately. He even uses the slide to get down even quicker before he’s picking up the pace, rushing back to the hotel room. He is in love with Ilya Rozanov. He had been for god only knows how long and they’re supposed to play together next week and his father is sick and his brother is a monster apparently. When he swings open the door to his room the remaining team jump in response. This isn’t even their room anyway.
“I have to go.” Shane doesn’t even go towards the shower, he doesn’t even fold his clothes.
“What?” Hayden asks.
“Lily,” the name tastes bitter in his mouth, “Lily got hurt. I have to go.” Hayden has a weird look on his face.
“You can’t just leave.”JJ says to him, he’s sitting sitting on Shane’s bed like he owns the place.
“I can’t? Enjoy being captain.” He says it harshly.
“What crawled up your ass?” Drapuae asks. Nothing did. Maybe Ilya did. Maybe his teammates did.
“Nothing.” He leaves in his sweaty clothes, his unfolded bag with him, and texts his coach. He can deal with the repercussions later. He’s never skipped out on hockey. He’s never done this. Once he gets a ticket to Boston he calls his mom in desperation at the airport.
“Hi Shane. Is everything okay?” He wants to sob when she asks because of course that’s what she’s asking. Shane doesn’t call at seven fifteen in the morning.
“No.” He admits, he looks around, trying to school his expression and have his hoodie impossibly higher.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have to miss the game.” That gets her attention, he can hear her move quickly on the phone.
“Why?”
“I just do. Can you maybe clean this up for me? I know I’m a grown up and stuff, but…” he really just needs his mom. He needs her to help fix this. “Please?” He asks.
“Yes, yes of course. Is something wrong?” Is something wrong? Maybe with him.
“Maybe.”
“Where are you?”
“The airport.”
“Where are you going?” He feels his breathing hitch, making a choked noise, “where are you going baby?” She asks gentler.
“Boston.”
“Call me when you land. I’ll make the drive.” She says immediately.
“You can’t.”
“Too late. Send me his address.” His. His address. His.
“Okay. You’ll fix this?” He asks her.
“Yes, I’ll fix it.” She assures him.
“Thanks…” he wants to break down in sobs.
“Hey, Shane, me and dad love you. We love you. I love you and nothing could ever change that.” His mom says seriously, he nods and realizes she can’t see him.
“I love you too.”
“Text me the address now and text me when you land. I’m coming.” She says it adamantly, hanging up the phone. Buffalo is such a small airport, he has a connecting for a drive that would be like seven hours. It’s quicker though. It’s quicker than driving even if it’s only by a few hours. Ilya will have his mom, she should be there within five.
It’s a miserable flight and a miserable layover. He does, however, get Ilya the candy he always sees him eating in photos. He moves quickly to get a cab, the address burned in his mind. It’s a twenty minute drive and his mom hasn’t texted him back yet. She would probably be there soon too. He’s shocked she didn’t beat him to the destination. His mom can fix this, she fixes everything.
He thinks he might pass out when he reaches the front door. The glass panels look even more intimidating in the light of what has happened. His phone has rang no less than fifty times, but no one he wants to talk to has reached out. He should have texted Rozanov, should have said he was coming. What if he doesn’t want to see him?
“Shane?” His mom asks behind him and when he turns his face crumbles.
“I didn’t know who else to call.” He admits and his mom is ringing the doorbell before he can back out.
“It’s okay, it’ll be okay.” She doesn’t look put together like she usually does. A woman answers the door, she has curly hair and his mom looks confused.
“Jane?” She asks, Slavic accent thick.
“How is he?” He pushes past her and his mom follows, apologizing for his actions.
“Hollander, just, might not be best time.” Svetlana says it gently to him, placing her hand on his bicep. He toes his shoes off anyway, wanting to get to Ilya as quickly as possible.
“Where is he?” She takes in a deep breath.
“Bed, finally fell asleep.”
“What the hell happened?” He focuses on not letting his tears fall. They aren’t his to cry. Ilya should be the one sobbing.
“Ilya called about his father, it pissed Alexei off. He is such a spiteful asshole.”
“You’re the girl from the video.” His mom says dumbfounded. That cements that his mom has seen the video, she clearly had put two and two together before Shane’s phone call.
“Yes. I am.”
“We can spin this.” His mom enters business mode and he’s relieved.
“Where is he?” Shane asks again and Svetlana’s smile falters a little.
“In bed.”
“Mom, can I?” He’s asking permission to leave her with Svetlana, to go see the person he came to see.
“Yes, yes of course.”
“I’ll get you cup of coffee.” Svetlana is saying to his mother as he rushes through the house.
He’s not asleep when Shane freezes in the doorway. He’s looking out the window emotionless, he looks emotionally spent. Shane makes a little noise to draw his attention and confusion flashes over his face.
“Hollander?” It’s all the invitation Shane needs to dive at the man on the bed. “Shane, what are you doing here?” Shane doesn’t want to detach from Ilya’s front.
“Knew you needed me.” Ilya has a sharp laugh, not so much at Shane though, like he’s laughing at himself.
“You play tonight in Minnesota.”
“No, I don’t. I came here.”
“Shane.” It sounds broken and Shane hides in Ilya, almost recreating the same position from the all stars game. He never wants to leave this bed.
“I didn’t even shower before coming.” Shane tells him and Rozanov’s laugh echos now. It makes Shane join in the laughter.
“That’s what you are thinking about?”
“I feel bad incase I smell.” Shane tried to explain through Ilya’s echos.
“You smell boring Hollander unless you want to shower together.”
“My mom’s downstairs.” Ilya freezes.
“Why?” Oh you know, I called her trying not to sob because I was so scared.
“To fix it.”
“What?” He sounds confused.
“Come on, come meet her.” He says instead, sliding off of Ilya’s lap. He drags Ilya down the steps and in the light he looks worse. He’s clearly been crying, his face is puffy and red and blotchy. Shane smiles sympathetically as they get to the kitchen. His mom is on the phone speaking to someone and Svetlana looks up carefully.
“Ilyushka.” She says, rushing to meet him, holding his face in her hands.
“Sveta.” He whispers, closing his eyes. Shane watches as her small fingers trace Ilya’s face, like she can bring peace to him.
“I made coffee.” She says softly.
“I want vodka.”
“We have that too.” He smiles, kissing her forehead and her lips then find his cheek. He sits miserably at a bar stool and Shane can’t help but think they almost fucked on this breakfast bar six months ago. When his mom hangs up she puts her hand over the bar to shown Ilya’s.
“Yuna Hollander, Shane’s mom.” She says in a very business manner.
“Ilya Rozanov, hockey captain.” Shane snorts at their ridiculous interaction.
“I’m sorry what your brother did.” His mom sounds sincere.
“Did not know video existed.”
“It’s my fault.” Svetlana hands him a glass of vodka, “I recorded it.”
“We were sixteen and drunk.” Rozanov rolls his eyes, “is no one’s fault.”
“It’s your brothers.” Shane says immediately.
“Except that asshole. Yes. Is his fault.” Rozanov agrees.
“You said you were sixteen?” His mom says quietly, like she’s studying him.
“We were sixteen. I have the original video. He didn’t post the whole thing.” Svetlana informs her.
“So the entire hockey world is making fun of an underage gay child?”
“Am not gay.”
“He’s bi.” Shane informs her and she looks at him confused.
“Still, it’s just, sickening. How do you want it spun?” His mom asks.
“Sveta.” Rozanov looks at her with pleading eyes.
“Go, go sit on the couch. Mrs Hollander and I will figure it out.” She shoos both of them away. When Rozanov sits on the couch heavily he stares at the remote.
“Haven’t watched tv since it broke.” Ilya admits to him, “no reason to. Only picked up your call.” Shane understands, he left his phone on the counter with his mom.
“What about your team?” He asks, shane himself had been worried about the fall out of him just leaving. Let alone whatever Ilya was going through.
“They do not matter.”
“I want to watch talking dog.” Svetlana walked into their space, Shane just realized she wasn’t wearing pants just an oversized tee shirt.
“Scooby?”
“Da. Scooby doo. Let me find dvd.” She is digging in the tv stand and he watches his mom walk over then too.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He says to her, clearly unsure.
“Svetlana suggested a movie, I think,” his mom sits next to Rozanov, “that is a wonderful idea.” His mom hasn’t taken a second off in her life, but she has a warm smile at both of them. Rozanov looks scared for his life.
“Found it!” She holds up a worn dvd case, “we watched all the time when we moved here. We broke case even.” She laughs.
“First thing we bought.” How Rozanov says it makes Shane’s insides twist. The first thing he bought was a dvd copy of Scooby doo? That lived in his mom’s minivan for years and he can’t imagine seeking out to buy a copy.
“We have that in the minivan right? Still?” Shane asks to ensure his copy still exists.
“We haven’t owned a mini van in three years.” Shane knew that, he didn’t like that he knew that it freaked him out a little when they switched.
“Yeah, but like, it’s still in there?”
“Yes, it’s still in the dvd binder.” His mom assures him as Rozanov looks at both of them. Rozanov looks put out that his mom sat next to him, he looks like he wants to react on instinct and she’s different, she’s new. They don’t get five minutes in until Rozanov moves, he joins Svetlana and hides his face in her thigh briefly. He just watches him, studies him.
“What is internet saying?” He finally asks after about forty five minutes. His mom stills and Shane realizes he hasn’t looked either.
“Some are really supportive.” She sounds earnest.
“Most are not?”
“It’s a shock is all.”
“I don’t know why we can’t say I was in Eiffel tower.” Svetlana says then.
“Because you were not.”
“I was naked with both of you that night.”
“Not during video.”
“Why would she be in France?” Shane asks.
“Oh, Shane.” Svetlana says it with sympathy, reaching back to pat his knee.
“What?”
“Is sex position.” Rozanov answers.
“Oh.”
“It was really easy to raise him when it came to that stuff.” His mom holds back a laugh.
“Should I make statement?” Rozanov asks his mom, looking up from Svetlana’s lap.
“No. Not yet.” Shane’s breathing was heavier when everyone else fell into the movie again. He looks around. Ilya can’t make a statement, or maybe he didn’t want to. Shane could though. He should talk to his mom about this. He decides she would tell him no, maybe he needs to be told no. He gets his phone off the counter, ignoring everything on it. Every single missed message, call, group chat notification is ignored and he opens the camera icon.
He swallows thickly. Looking at how young Rozanov looks with his head curled on Svetlana’s lap. He joins him, Svetlana looking surprised. Ilya just pulls him to his chest, both of them resting on Svetlana. He angles his camera, looking up at Svetlana for approval while his mom looked shell shocked at the position Shane slid into. Like he was meant to be in Ilya’s arms all the time. He captures a photo, it’s silly really. You can tell Ilya has been crying, Svetlana and Shane have been too. You can see how upset everyone looks, but there’s trace of a smile on Ilya’s face and Shane has one too. Svetlana smiling warmly at both of them.
His mom looks unsure, clearly she figured a lot out since his first phone call. He takes a deep breath and he feels Ilya kiss the side of his head. He opens the camera again and waits, he shuffles some and Ilya does it again. He likes this picture more. They all still look upset, but Shane loves when Ilya kisses his head. He takes a deep breath and opens his twitter. He bites his lip and types out “spooky island” it’s simple and basic. It’s just saying what film they’re watching essentially, but the picture means so much more. Before he can back out he hits post. His mom looks down immediately and back at Shane.
“Can you three pose for a picture?” His mom asks immediately.
“What?” Ilya sounds confused.
“Shane, go get one of Rozanov’s shirts on. Svetlana and him already have them on. I need you guys to pose together.” She stands up and Shane does too, rushing to the bedroom to find the one who almost stole during tuna melts. He changes immediately and rushes back to a confused Ilya and knowing Svetlana.
“What is happening?” He asks confused. Shane slots himself in between Ilya’s legs and Svetlana is leaning on his shoulder.
“Just, watch the movie. Act natural.” Ilya raises his eyebrows but goes back to the movie anyway. When he laughs Shane looks up at him smiling, he laughed. Maybe the world isn’t ending. Svetlana has her phone out too, clearly typing on instagram. An old photo of Shane and Ilya from the prospect cup is her photo.
“What are we doing?” Shane asks confused.
“What you did, we’re rewriting the narrative.” His mom says. Shane opens his mom’s instagram and freezes. “Scooby and the gang.” Is written and the picture of the three of them, Shane looking up while giggling with Ilya is posted. His phone is going insane and he shuts it off.
“What did you post?” Rozanov asks as Svetlana has a happy smile.
“You.” Shane tells him, “I posted you.”