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Ethan stared at the plans Luther was making – or stared at the cover. A buff folder, no computer, nothing anyone could access. Only a handful of people let in on the secret. Ethan didn’t open it. He handed the folder back to Luther. He looked around the tiny, windowless office, a secret anonymous room far away from the IMF.
‘Don’t tell me anything. Not a word.’
‘Ethan…’ Luther said. His friend, his best friend, looked pale and set. The joy Luther had got used to seeing in his face the past few years had drained away.
‘If they capture me – I can’t take the risk I’ll let anything slip about Julia.’
‘You won’t.’
‘You can’t promise that,’ Ethan said fiercely. ‘Neither of us can. Don’t tell me anything. Not ever. Even if you think it’s safe. Never tell me anything. I trust you, Luther. I don’t trust myself.’
Luther nodded, and put the folder to one side. Ethan breathed a sigh out, as he looked at it, and then firmly looked away.
‘We need to talk about afterwards,’ Luther said. ‘Not Julia. You.’
‘I’m not entirely sure there’ll be an afterwards,’ Ethan muttered, leaning on the table. Then he looked up at Luther’s face. ‘Sorry,’ he said softly. ‘Afterwards. Ok.’
‘We’re assuming they’ll take you to Rankow,’ Luther said. ‘But it may be other prisons. We need to work on escape plans for each and every one of them.’
‘Ok,’ Ethan said, hands on hips. ‘Escape plans. Russian prisons. Let’s do that.’
Luther shook his head.
‘Not me. I’m focused on Julia and besides…’
‘Besides?’
‘It’s not easy getting out a Russian prison. You don’t need a hacker – you need something more. You need someone inventive and imaginative – someone with a different way of looking at things.’
They looked at each other and then said the name simultaneously.
‘Benji.’
Benji had been their lab guy for a while – long enough for the rest of the tech team to start treating Benji as Ethan Hunt’s personal tech guy. Long enough for Ethan’s name for him – Benji – to be used by everyone (officially his name was Benjamin. The other lab techs called him Ben or Benny, and Benjamin hated that. Within about five minutes of meeting him Ethan called him Benji, and that stuck. Benji. He liked that). Ethan and Luther and whoever else was on their team this week had got used to going over the mission in detail with Benji, planning the way in, the way out, the back-up plans, the escape route. And Benji was good at it, very good, with a fantastically convoluted mind that had a way of by-passing normal security features and totally befuddling whoever was trying to stop them. That mind of his synced well with Ethan’s, the two of them talking in half-sentences, leaping forward from idea to conclusion to plan whilst the others were still wondering what to do.
And he was Julia’s friend. Ethan had wanted to tell him about the plan to fake Julia’s death, but Luther had vetoed it – as much for Benji’s safety as Julia’s. Anyone who knew the truth would be in danger. (Julia had insisted that Benji not be told she was dead, just that she was gone. He needs hope, she said. Always give him hope, Ethan.)
He found him in tech, at his desk – alone, as usual. Benji didn’t gel well with the others – too independent in his thinking, too restless to settle for being background. Ethan paused a moment, looking at him.
Something about Benji settled him. Julia had noted it, said a little of the tension slipped away when Ethan was with Benji.
‘You feel like you can lean on him,’ she said.
‘I lean on Luther,’ he replied.
‘And you feel so guilty about it. But you don’t feel any guilt leaning on Benji, do you?’
‘He seems to make things a little easier,’ Ethan had admitted. And even now, facing the worst moments of his life – moments he was actually choosing to have happen, he felt a little bit of the weight lift as he looked at Benji.
He walked over and Benji looked up with his usual bright smile – which quickly faded.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. And oh yes, of course – Benji had that gift of reading Ethan. It could be very disconcerting sometimes, the way he saw Ethan – sometimes saw things Julia didn’t see. Ethan felt like he ought to hate it. Instead it made Ethan feel known. Benji would always know.
But he couldn’t, not this time.
‘Tired – the last mission was a bad one,’ Ethan said. ‘I’ve been ordered on downtime, but you know me, can’t sit still.’
‘Neither can I,’ Benji said, coming out from behind his desk and walking round to join Ethan. ‘So what do you want to do with all this downtime and can I help?’
Ethan smiled.
‘I was hoping you’d ask that. What I want to do is put together some plans – purely theoretical at the moment, but for use, just in case, perhaps we’ll need in future. Purely hypothetical.’
‘Plans for what?’
‘Rescuing a prisoner from the very worst prisons in Russia. Well – all of Eastern Europe really.’
Benji looked at Ethan and he went pale. His gaze became very steady, his eyes very blue. Ethan waited for the questions – is this for you, what are you going to do, why, how do I stop you? This isn’t theory, is it?
Ethan braced himself. Benji took a very deep breath.
‘Which prisons did you have in mind?’
Well. Would Benji Dunn ever cease to amaze him? Right to the point. If Ethan needed help, Benji would help, no matter what. Again that feeling spread through Ethan – a little of the weight was lifted.
‘Umm – let’s start with Rankow, shall we?’
It was a good distraction for Ethan. His heart was already heavy with sorrow, anticipating the loss of Julia, and Benji seemed to sense that. He was careful with Ethan, not pushing too hard, but keeping the tone light, making sure Ethan ate and rested.
Julia came to pick Ethan up once. He smiled at her, that sad smile he’d had lately, and then Benji had come in, all brightness and joy and cheerily told Ethan he’d see him tomorrow when they would crack the distraction issue. The sadness faded for a second. Clever Benji, giving Ethan a solid problem to work on to distract. Julia had hugged Benji as she said goodbye, as she usually did, but this time she kissed him on the cheek.
‘Thank you,’ she murmured in his ear. ‘For everything.’
‘Anything for you, Julia,’ he’d said, puzzled, but seeing something inside her, something worried and sharp. ‘’Anything for both of you, you know that, don’t you?’
She nodded, and she seemed to be fighting back tears.
‘You’re a good man, Benjamin Dunn.’
‘Benji,’ Benji said. ‘I mean – Ethan started calling me Benji and I liked it so…’
‘He does that,’ she said. ‘Gives nicknames to the ones he loves. I’ll get him safely back to you.’
She had smiled at him as she took Ethan’s hand and led him out of the room. Benji had stood very still, watching them go, for a very long time.
But the next day was back down to work. They had plans for several prisons now, decent extraction plans, distraction for the guards, escape routes.
‘All we need now is a message,’ Ethan said. ‘Some way of letting me know it’s happening, so I know it’s not just a normal prison riot, and it’s an extraction.’
‘All the prisons have loudspeaker systems, we could get a message out over that.’
‘I think ‘Ethan, here’s your escape committee’ might give the game away,’ Ethan said dryly, hitching one hip up onto the desk.
‘Well yes – but maybe a siren of some kind? No, too generic – how about music?’
‘Music?’
‘Can’t be construed as a warning, unlikely to be played over the loudspeaker system, will confuse the guards.’
‘Music,’ Ethan mused, watching Benji turn the pen over and over in his hand, playing with it, sticking it into his mouth and then dropping it again. Ethan reached over and took the pen, slipping it between his fingers, making it disappear and reappear over and over again. ‘What kind of music?’
‘Something easily recognisable by anyone, out of copyright, easy to get hold of.’
‘I like jazz,’ Ethan said.
‘I like opera – ummm – ok, so the point where jazz and opera meet is, I would say, the crooners of the 50s, the Rat Pack.’
‘You’d say that, would you?’ Ethan said, amused.
‘I would and I would be right. So – Frank Sinatra? No – this feels more like a Dean Martin type situation. How about…’
Benji touched his phone and ‘Ain’t That A Kick in the Head’ started to play. Both men listened for a moment.
‘Perfect,’ Ethan said. ‘Very appropriate.’
‘Good. So – you hear that, you know I’m coming for you,’ Benji said, making a note on his pad.
‘You?’ Ethan frowned.
‘Why not me?’
‘You’re not a field agent – it needs to be a field agent.’ Ethan began to feel a rising sense of panic at the thought of Benji there, outside a Russian prison, within shooting distance of trigger-happy guards.
‘I could be a field agent,’ Benji said, stubbornly. ‘It’s a complicated plan, Ethan, anything could go wrong, you need someone who can adapt and improvise. Someone who knows all your hand signals! Someone who knows you!’
For a moment Ethan considered the idea – it would be nice to have Benji out there, waiting for him. It would – perhaps he would try a little harder to live, knowing Benji was there. Someone to run to…
But that would be putting Benji in unconscionable danger – for his sake. No. He was never going to have that happen again. No one else would be hurt because they was loyal to him.
For a moment he almost thought of forbidding Benji to be out in the field. But he was beginning to know the man, know his determination and his stubbornness. Telling Benji no would be a surefire way of making Benji work even harder to be a field agent.
But then he looked at Benji, and relaxed. The field agent’s course was demanding, both physically and mentally. Benji was brilliant but not – not really agent material.
‘So you’re thinking of taking the field agent’s course?’ Ethan asked lightly. His phone beeped and he looked down at it.
It was Luther. Julia was ready. Time to go.
‘I am,’ Benji said steadily.
‘Well, you’d make a great field agent, Benji,’ Ethan said, standing up, going through in his mind what he needed to do. There was nothing he needed to take, no-one to say goodbye to.
‘I can tell when you’re lying, Ethan,’ Benji said, in a very low voice. Ethan’s eyes opened wide in surprise. He was such a good liar. He’d even fooled Julia, who knew him so well. How could Benji see through that? ‘I know you don’t think I can do it. Neither does anyone else. I’m not sure I can do it either, but I am going to try. I will try my best.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Ethan said. ‘I didn’t mean to…’
‘I know,’ Benji said, smiling a little. ‘You’d better go, answer whatever message Luther just sent you. And – listen out for the song, and then you’ll know it’s me. I may surprise you yet, Ethan.’ He lifted his head a little. Technically, he was taller than Ethan, but somehow he always seemed to be crouching or bending or sitting, always looking up at Ethan. Now, however, his gaze met Ethan at a level.
‘Yes, perhaps you will,’ Ethan said. ‘See you, Benji.’
‘When, Ethan?’
But Ethan was already walking away. He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay and keep talking, keep planning. These moments with Benji had been the only moments of peace he had known in the past few weeks. Even the moments with Julia, snatched seconds of love, had been tainted with the loss that was to come.
At the doorway, Ethan felt a sudden giddy urge. He span round to see Benji still stood there, watching him go. On a sudden impulse, Ethan blew him a mischievous kiss. He didn’t know why he’d done that, it was one of his instinctive reactions, a brief moment of joy. He wasn’t sure what it meant, maybe thanks, and you’ve made this week bearable and I’m sorry I’m leaving you and I don’t think I’ll see you again so this is goodbye.
He turned and left before he could see Benji’s reaction.
Benji was lonely.
He didn’t make friends easily – not close friends, not people who made him feel he mattered, made him feel like he could be entirely himself with them, unmasked, just pure Benji. In a building full of people in masks, Benji felt like everyone was hidden from him, just as much as he was hidden from them. Just because he didn’t currently have half a pound of silicon on his face didn’t mean he wasn’t covering up.
He hadn’t felt like that with Ethan, after the first few nervous meetings. He hadn’t felt like that with Julia. He was still unsure about Luther. But as he went through his field training and started to drift away even from the small friendships amongst the tech guys, he found himself adrift. He didn’t know where he belonged.
He wasn’t stupid. He knew why Ethan had him draw up those ‘hypothetical’ prison escape plans.
Rumours drifted his way. Julia had left Ethan. Ethan had carried out an unsanctioned hit. Benji sat down and thought about this – and came to the conclusion somebody, somewhere was lying. That didn’t sound like either of them.
He pushed himself harder in the gym. He studied in every spare minute. He knew Ethan would be back one day, and he wanted to be there when that happened.
But when he passed the field exam, he found himself a little lost. He really didn’t want to be sent out on assignment just yet, not until Ethan was back – but what could he do in the meantime?
That was when Luther found him.
Standing in the door of Benji’s office (Benji had insisted on having the office) looking impossibly cool and dangerous and very much as a friend of Ethan Hunt’s should look.
‘Hear you got top marks in the field agent’s course,’ he said.
‘I – I did,’ Benji stammered. ‘Not – not that it’s like being out in the field, of course but…’
‘You’re proud of yourself,’ Luther said, walking in and hitching one hip up on Benji’s desk. ‘So you should be. But now the real training starts.’
‘Real training?’
‘From me. And this will be a hell of a lot tougher. I need to train you to look after Ethan with me.’
Benji stared up at Luther with an open mouth. This is what he wanted – it was what he had dreamed about – but he’d never mentioned it, not even mentioned Ethan’s name to anyone.
‘He’s missing,’ Benji said, and then kicked himself. Of course Luther knew that.
‘He’ll be back one day. And I’ll find a way to get you to him,’ Luther said, complacently. ‘When the shit hits the fan, there’ll be something I’ll need to do, so I need to have someone I trust taking care of Ethan.’
‘And that’s me?’ Benji squeaked.
‘After I’ve trained you – you’ll do. The best of anyone in this building, not that that’s saying much.’ He stood up and leaned over the desk. ‘Your mission, Benji Dunn, should you choose to accept it, is to get Ethan Hunt out whatever shit he’s landed himself in, give him everything he needs for the mission, and make sure he stays alive long enough to get his ass back to me. It’s difficult, it’s dangerous, you’ll probably end up shot. Do you accept?’
‘I accept,’ Benji said quickly, without thinking. Luther stood up and stared at him for a moment.
‘Yeah,’ he said softly. ‘Ethan was right about you.’
‘Why? What did he say?’
‘Never you mind. Tomorrow we go through those prison plans of yours. Don’t let me down now, Dunn.’
‘Never,’ Benji said fervently. ‘I swear.’
Luther continued to stare at him, then nodded in satisfaction and left.
Luther taught Benji all sorts of tricks – and taught him about Ethan. He told Benji about Ethan’s team, and Phelps, and what had happened, leaving Benji horrified (and more determined than ever to protect Ethan, any way he could). He explained that Ethan would always ALWAYS protect everyone else in the room, at the cost of his own life (and Benji swore he would never put Ethan in the position of having to die to protect him). He taught him the tools Ethan liked to use, that he’d choose the non-lethal option if possible, that he could play a part and lie exceptionally well, even without a mask. That Ethan loved deeply and without reservation but saw his love as toxic and deadly. (Benji swore he could feel his heart crack.) That Ethan could run like the wind, it was impossible to keep him off a motorbike, and if climbing was an option, he’d always climb. He didn’t look after himself properly, and Benji might want to pick up a few first aid skills, because Luther was not good at sewing people up. (Benji immediately went to medical and demanded to be taught everything.)
And when Benji went to Luther and said Jane Carter had requested him, Luther gave him the nod.
When Benji was sat in the van outside Rankow Prison, he could not keep the grin off his face. Ethan. He was about to see Ethan. When Jane had said they needed Ethan and how the hell were they going to get him out, Benji had diffidently said he already had a plan for that. Jane had been pretty impressed, and she was very difficult to impress. And now here Benji was – rescuing Ethan. He triumphantly pressed the button to play the music, hoping that Ethan remembered.
And he did. Benji tracked him on camera. He looked a mess, his hair long and his shirt stained. He’d obviously been working out hard, his muscles had grown even more. He was the best sight Benji had ever seen.
And not thirty seconds later Benji was roundly cursing him in his own mind as Ethan just absolutely refused to stick to the plan. Luther had warned him. Ethan went off book all the time. Be prepared. Benji just hadn’t expected him to do it in the middle of his own rescue from a Russian prison. Benji was going to stand his ground. He wouldn’t put up with this kind of behaviour from Ethan. He was just going to have to learn to do as he was told.
Then Benji was reminded, forcibly, once again, that he couldn’t say no to Ethan.
Which was when Ethan blew him a kiss through the camera.
And everything fell into place.
Ethan must have known it was him. Who else could it be? They’d created this escape plan together. He blew a kiss to Benji and then – and then – Ethan moved and Benji followed. Ethan gave a signal and Benji obeyed. Ethan gave a glance and Benji understood. They were in perfect sync, acting as one, the man fighting his way out and the man watching, both forging a path through the obstacles. It felt instinctive. It felt right. It felt as if this was what Benji was born to do.
The mission is done. Benji killed a man, which he knows he ought to feel bad about, but he suspects there’s a piece of flint inside of him, ready to spark if someone he cares about gets hurt (he’s slightly surprised to find he cares about Brandt). He tells Ethan what Brandt said about Julia, and then tells Ethan he doesn’t believe it for a second.
‘Why not?’ Ethan has asked.
‘If Julia had died, you would have died,’ Benji says, very simply. That’s just how Ethan is. He’s learned that already. ‘You’d always follow the person you loved most, no matter where they led you. It’s ok. I know you’ll tell me the truth when you can.’ Because, much to his surprise, Ethan has decided to keep him. That was how Benji thought about it. Keep him. Much like he kept Luther. It made Benji glow with pride. He was chosen by Ethan Hunt. Chosen to be the man on comms, the man behind the camera, the man guiding Ethan through the smoke and the explosions, the streets and the fights.
The man Ethan has developed a habit of blowing a kiss to through the cameras….
Just when Benji feels he has a fix on what they are, co-workers, friends, close friends, Ethan has a habit of upsetting his world and he’s not even there to see it, just treats it lightly, like a game.
Breaking into a Belarusian embassy – very very illegal. Ethan pauses while Benji tracks down the guards roaming the building. Once Benji says he’s clear, Ethan turns and blows a kiss.
Some swish party. Benji roaming the floor with Ethan – although Ethan is on the opposite side of the room, being a charming distraction as Benji hacks the security system so Luther can download the data. Once Benji says he’s done, and it’s time to leave, Ethan turns away from the woman he was flirting with, and blows a kiss. Benji is almost sure it’s an escape strategy, but still, his disobedient little heart skips a beat, as it always does.
Watching Brandt on the cameras, and arguing with him about the best way to defuse the bomb in front of him. Ethan comes into view, and tells Brandt to do what Benji says. Benji says a very aggrieved thank you, and Ethan tells him to calm down, he got what he wanted – and blows a kiss. Brandt doesn’t see it. Benji is speechless for a good five minutes. Was that the point?
Another party, another embassy. This time Ethan is partnered with Jane (who has told Ethan she will hit him if he kisses her this time and he has promised not to.) No honeypots this time – Jane can’t stand them and Ethan isn’t the lady’s type. Instead they approach her with a business proposition as Benji scrambles among the air ducts, trying to find her safe. He keeps up a constant commentary on the state of the air ducts, the habits of rats, how exactly do spiders have sex, this is a nice old-fashioned safe, have to crack it the old way, did you ever see The Pink Panther? He chatters on constantly, knowing Ethan likes to hear his voice at all times (he still remembers with a sharp pang what Luther had said about Jack) and at one point he stops in front of a grill and tells Ethan he can see him from there. Ethan looks up, unerringly meeting his eyes, and blows a kiss. Jane sees it, and raises an eyebrow but does nothing else. What was that? Why did he need to do it? Just to acknowledge he sees Benji?
There’s the time they go to back Jane up and help her get out of a war zone (it wasn’t a war zone when Jane went in, but she does tend to favour the most direct method). It’s not a light-hearted mission, it’s dangerous and terrifying and everyone is on edge. Benji is trying his best to guide both Ethan and Jane towards each other and avoid the roaming soldiers and not trip any of the many traps. So there is no reason at all why, at one point, as Benji tells Ethan he can see him on camera and please to make very sure he does not step to the left, for Ethan to turn and blow another kiss.
Reassurance? Benji almost turns to Luther to ask, but doesn’t want the answer.
And years go by, years of talk and comfortable silences. Missions and downtime. Some days they run laughing from the enemy, some days they are all too aware of death constantly behind. They bleed and sew each other up. They reach out and grasp, a second’s reassurance, a silent and eloquent communications. And those kisses, those damn kisses.
Benji knows the crush has become love. How can it not? It’s Ethan. Almost everyone loves Ethan. Benji knows his love is of a very different kind, a kind that entwines visions of Ethan tangled and breathless in his sheets with memories of Ethan’s kindness and knowing Ethan needs him. But still, Ethan has all the love he wants from everyone around him, and doesn’t need what Benji would offer – Benji thinks. Except for those damn kisses. He doesn’t blow them to anyone else. Not Luther or Jane or Brandt. Not even to Ilsa, once she becomes part of their little crew. Just Benji. And every time Benji has a brief flash of hope that Ethan loves him too. It’s all he has – shoulder touches and intense stares and blown kisses.
It’s enough.
It’ll do.
It keeps him there.
He needs more.
He’ll never get more.
Until…
Lying in a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand clasped in Paris’ hand, Ethan by his bed, talking softly to the doctors. He’s alive, and somehow he never expected to be, and now – now he has a life to live and no idea what to do with it. What can he do now, all these days he never expected to see stretching front of him? All the love that is suddenly present in his life? All the things he’s achieved the past few days?
Ethan sits down and sighs, and smiles across at Paris. His hand rests on Benji’s hand and his thumb brushes against the skin, back and forth. He’s thinking hard, Benji can tell, planning and arranging in his head.
It makes Benji slightly dizzy to think that Ethan is turning that analytical mind of his to looking after Benji now. That is his sole focus.
‘Ethan?’
Ethan looks up, and for a moment he catches Paris’ eye. He left Paris with Benji specifically to protect Benji, spotting the bond that had formed in seconds. They are fiercely protective of each other and whatever Benji’s life is now, he knows Paris will be entwined in it. And Ethan, bless him, likes Paris all the more for the way she defends Benji against Ethan. Benji had already heard Paris order Ethan to treat Benji more gently, and Ethan had obeyed without question.
Benji is loved. He is alive and he is loved.
Time to be brave.
‘You used to blow me kisses through security cameras when you knew I was watching.’
Ethan smiles, a soft reminiscent smile. He hadn’t done it for a while, not since it became apparent the Entity was watching.
‘I did,’ Ethan said.
‘Why?’
Ethan swallows, and his grip on Benji’s hand tightens and he tries to speak, but words don’t come easy to him. It’s Paris, impatient and insightful, who answers.
‘He loves you and he’s too afraid to say it,’ she says, scornfully. Ethan smiles at her, and nods.
‘But you’ve been blowing me kisses for years. Ever since Rankow.’
‘It started as thank you,’ Ethan said. ‘And I had so many things to thank you for. Then somewhere along the way thank you became I love you. I’m not sure when, exactly but – but yes. I love you. The kisses – we were apart and I couldn’t reach you, and any second…any second…I know that…comms. The comms might be the last time we spoke to each other. I knew that, every time I went into a situation and we were on comms, that might…it might end…one of us…’ His voice drifted off, and his bit his lip, his eyes full of tears.
‘Jack…’ Benji murmured.
‘Jack. And others too. So – so I wanted, just in that last moment, just in case, just to tell you, somehow, that I love you.’ Ethan took a breath. ‘I never dared say it out loud. You never know who might be listening and after Julia – well, I needed to keep my feelings to myself. And – well – Lane proved that was the right choice. But I could say it in other ways. Touching your shoulder, blowing you kisses, just in case I didn’t come back. Or you…’
‘Goodbye and I love you,’ Benji said softly. ‘That’s what the kisses meant.’
‘That’s what the kisses meant,’ Ethan said. Benji lifted his hand and touched Ethan’s cheek. Ethan turned suddenly and kissed his hand, his eyes closed.
‘Time for a new message,’ Ethan said, very softly. ‘Hello. I love you, and we won’t be separated.’