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Boredom wasn't something Wade handled well. It could have been the undiagnosed ADHD or the cocaine that kept his body's default state as a living vibrator. Not that the reason ‘why’ really mattered. The thing was, he just needed to get out of the house. Ideally with someone else to help keep him busy, not tempted into casually murdering criminals for extra funsies.
A single life after experiencing love was boring as shit. The time usually spent fucking, cuddling or having a day out together was reduced to snorting lines and a mundane job. Dopinder only had so much time to spare.
Dopinder was constantly driving to save money. Hoping to woo some girl with a traditional Indian wedding. It was kinda theatrical in his opinion, but if he magically found someone again he'd spoil the shit out of them too.
Working a nine to five gig like some kind of average joe, Wade would have pulled out his hair if he had any. Peter's optimistic empathy grated him more than he’d expected it to. The guy was nice, open to accepting his special brand of wild. It didn't mean he possessed the natural instinct to get crazy like he liked to.
Cleaning out his room, preparing to move to their place, Wade stumbled upon the old flyer. Brochure. Whatever the hell it was. He smoothed it out, reading it out of boredom.
Halloween was approaching. A haunted segway tour did sound like a good time. It was something different. In his past life, a great date night for a kinky son of a bitch like himself. Ditching the ride, to fuck against some haunted house at some point.
“Hey Al,” Wade said, studying the brochure further for its schedule as he stepped over boxes because it really did sound like fun. “You wanna go on a date with me?”
“Gross,” the old woman said, wrinkling her nose at him as she tucked newspaper into her tea cups for the move.
“What?” Wade asked, sitting down at the counter and watching her.
Wade didn't offer to help as she felt around to box them one by one. He was taking a break from packing his own shit. Althea was blind, not incapable. Well, for the most part he conceded when she shut the flaps and attempted to tear the duct tape successfully. Seven times.
“You look like a five year old trying to learn how tape works,” Wade commented. “Do you think they'd let you retake kindergarten?”
Althea was grumbling at the mess of tape in her hands. It was twisting, getting stuck to itself as she tried to tape a box shut. Wade could have helped at that point, but he still didn't. She liked her independence. Unless it involved building a few snowmen.
“Do you think they'd let you?” she asked in return. “I don't think a five year old would ask such a stupid question.”
“It's not stupid!” Wade argued, tapping the brochure. “Five year olds don't go on awesome dates like haunted segway tours! Actually it might be a good idea for you to wear some Depends if we go.”
“God there is so much wrong with you,” Althea complained, wadding the tape strips stuck to all over her hands in a sticky ball with a growl. “Where do we start? The fact I'm a lesbian or the fact I'm blind?”
“I totally love cougars, like get it girl, but I'm not down for eating grandma pussy,” Wade said, shuddering at the idea. “I'm pretty sure I'm strictly a team dick now anyways.”
Vanessa hadn't ruined him for women, but he hadn't found any interest in them since her. He'd rather fuck his unicorn fleshlight until the end of time with a dildo up his ass and vibrating nipple clamps for some extra stimulation. Hands running all over his body, breaking him from the inside out. Better than trying to get his fill from some girl that wanted paid or was looking for something more.
Dudes were down to fuck like desperate little sluts. If you said you were a top they bent over offering their tight asses like a gift for the gods. It made his dick fucking hard to be that wanted.
The majority of the time people didn't even care he looked like a rotten avocado, especially in the clubs. All that mattered was he was willing to fuck in a bathroom stall and that he could move his hips like a mad man. Wade found it laughable how easy men were. Hypocritical little whore with firm asses made for a pounding.
“Alright, glad that's settled,” Althea said. “Now help me with this goddamn tape.”
“So do you wanna go?” Wade asked.
“Why would we go on a date? We're not dating,” Althea pointed out, somewhere between exasperated and baffled. “I don't care how desperate you are, I'm happy alone.”
“Hypocrite. We're moving into a new place we picked out together,” Wade argued. “No one said it had to be romantic. It can be… I don't know. Platonic life partners? I've heard that floating around social circles these days.”
“What kinda new age crap is that?” Althea asked, wrinkling her nose and throwing the tape on the floor with an angry noise. “Motherfucker!”
Wade ignored her. Torn between pressing the segway tour and figuring out what he'd heard. As far as he knew they were friends that stayed friends, but lived together or whatever so they weren't alone. If it had no romantic or sexual intent, what did it matter if hanging out was called a date? He pulled it up on his phone, hoping to convert her old ass.
“According to google, which is a thing called the internet was invented in the last 30 years. A platonic life partner is someone you share a deeply committed, loving and long term bond with that lacks romance and sex. They may share a house, kids, my cocaine, finances and view, ha ha…” Wade chuckled because he couldn't help himself. “... each other as a primary, stable companion rather than just a friend.”
“I don't even know where to begin with all that,” Althea said flatly. “Loving? You do the most inconsiderate shit to piss me off, like leaving lids off everything at random. Replacing my peanut butter with fucking sunbutter. Leaving the toilet paper roll empty and moving the other rolls where I have to waddle around the bathroom trying not to smear shit around my crack or get in the shower. Salt for sugar, sugar for my salt.”
“Hey, those are called life challenges,” Wade countered stubbornly, grinning to himself.
“Long term bond?” Althea scoffed. “You help cover the rent, provide my powder and are the farthest thing from the word ‘stable’ you crazy fuck.”
“Aw you flatterer,” Wade teased, content with all of that.
Althea let out a long suffering sigh, rubbing her temples. Wade waited patiently… for about five seconds. He was sick of packing when they still had three whole days until they moved and his shit mostly consisted of guns and stuffed animals.
“So? Haunted segways?” Wade drew out temptingly, tapping the brochure again. “Hmm?”
“You really think me getting on a segway thing is a good idea?” Althea finally asked, going back to her box and trying to tuck the four flaps in a way they wouldn't pop up.
“You really think a unicorn fetish and giving an 81 year old lady a daily dose of coke is a good idea?” Wade countered bluntly.
“Touche,” Althea grumbled after she finished with her box of old lady tea cups. “Fine. Whatever. Just shut up and get me another box.”
Wade fist pumped the air with a ‘yes’, looking forward to doing something a little crazy wnd different again. He didn't actually have the faintest clue how putting an old blind lady on a segway tour would even work. The two of them would figure it out though. Somehow they always did… with a solid buzz and a fair amount of bitchness to cope with their stupid reality.