Chapter Text
zhou anxin doesn't really think much.
he thinks a lot, he thinks a lot about everything he needs to do, things that must be done, about how he needs to treat everyone carefully - differently. all of it, he thinks a lot.
but all the same, he barely thinks at all.
which is why, weeks after debut, during one of the fansigns, he slips.
he's signing albums after albums, replying hastily (since he had a hard time multitasking on most days) to the questions the fans asked, some reading off of paper slips or instantly confronting him with questions of events or people they were curious about, their eyes alight with excitement, some filled with emotional affection.
so his fingers are working on autopilot, and his brain is following seconds after his brain, both racing time because there is a time limit for every interaction, when a fan shoots off her question in swift mandarin, "who's your favourite ge? in the group right now."
anxin frowns, nodding, "hyung?" writing down her name on the album before looking up to meet her gaze, reciprocating.
she nods, excited, "yes, in recent days, do you have someone you're close to better than before? or is it hao-ge and long-ge still?"
anxin wonders if he's always been giving them these same answers every time they asked and hums, then sees the staff behind him gesture, waiting in time to wave her on to the next member, geonwoo. "hm, probably... leo?" he hands her the album, then smiles, "yeah, leo-hyung. we're closer than before, i'd say."
she looks at him, tilts her head, processing it. anxin wonders what she wanted to hear, he can't tell since she didn't hold any other fan items with her, "he's your favourite?"
the staff waves her on, and then she smiles, quickly exclaiming a thank you before turning to geonwoo.
anxin doesn't think much about it.
he leans back in to entertain the rest of the fans, making a note to not always give the same responses when asked questions.
-
sangwon doesn't really go on the online forums, he considers it a vain waste of his time, and an overall strike to his brainrot, so he doesn't see much that goes online. if any of his friends or the staff sends him something, he's lucky there.
it was one of those evenings, instead of listening to music in the car and scrolling through article pieces he felt he wanted to catch up on, he's texting his friend in the car, unusually invested in the conversation even though he was returning home from a very time-consuming, exhausting schedule.
because this was the only friend he had who knew of all his internal dilemmas.
sanghyeon, who's sitting beside him, was looking desperate for sleep but was also trying his best to not doze off (sangwon had told him to just sleep since they had a long drive to get through before they got home, but the younger had just told him it would put him off showering before he went to bed if he slept now, so he would just talk meaninglessly and hoped sangwon would listen to him), finger poking sangwon's arm for stimulation.
jun: u actually like him
jun: like like?
me: yes
me: are u stupid
jun: no i just saw something on x
jun: uk i lurk since u dont so i saw smth
jun: keeping an eye out for u & everything
me: ?
me: its abt him?
jun: u said he liked u too
me: he told me he did...?
jun: so ur his favourite
me: what is ur issue u jerk
jun: so ur not his favourite
me: ? hyung
me: i have anxiety
jun: hypothetically...
me: i THINK im his favourite
me: dont 'hypothetically' me rn
me: whats wrong
jun: hypothetically what would u do if he liked ur best friend more than he likes u
me: ? who
me: leo hyung?
jun: yeah
me: did he say that
jun: r u illiterate
jun: i clearly said hypothetically damn
"hyung, you're about to bite your lips off." sanghyeon reminds him softly from beside him, the poking on his arm halting to resume on his cheeks, "you look annoyed. is this how you look when you're annoyed?"
"probably." sangwon takes to reply.
me: i will kill u
me: idk what i would do if he said that
me: r u satisfied?
me: now where did he say it
jun: stubborn goat
me: jun
me: ill block u
me: u cant reach me ever again
jun: [link]
jun: just made me laugh but i was also afraid it'd hurt u or complicate things btwn u two
jun: its why i asked
jun: i couldn't understand what he meant by
jun: are they really that close
jun: won-ah?
jun: hlo
jun: helloooooo
jun: girl
jun: that video is 20 seconds where r u
me: yes
jun: yes what
me: they're close
jun: ??? like fr
jun: explain
sangwon leaves him on read.
leaning back against the headrest, feeling an odd pulse of complexity pulse in his chest.
"sleepy?" sanghyeon asks, dropping his hand.
"yep," sangwon answers, dishonest, "how come we're sharing a car?"
sanghyeon smiles, droopy, "you want anxinie-hyung?" sangwon doesn't acknowledge the intentional comment, "noona was afraid of fans mobbing so she pushed us into cars based on who we were with, i guess."
sangwon nods, "who's anxin with?"
sanghyeon takes a minute, thinking, "leo-hyung, i think."
ah.
sangwon-ah, he berates himself mentally, don't go there right now, don't think anything - don't go there -
he feels a slight plummet of envy slip into his stomach when he closes his eyes.
there it goes.
sanghyeon leans in to talk to the driver, "haein-ssi, how long till we're home?"
"a little over 40 minutes now," haein says, apologetic.
sanghyeon shakes his head, "it's okay, it's not like you can make traffic disappear, don't speed, take your time! sangwonie hyung and i will just..." he turns, shrugging, "sleep."
sangwon shakes his head, laughing tiredly. "yeah."
"yeah?" sanghyeon asks. "you don't usually sleep in the car."
sangwon hums, "yeah, but i don't wanna think, so i'll sleep."
sanghyeon stares at him, "about what?" then when he feels he wouldn't get a reply, nods, "good idea." he pushes up the armrest between them so it's clicked back into place on the seat and leans comfortably against sangwon's side, toeing off his slippers to pull his legs up, "what time is it?"
sangwon blinks an eye open, making out the numbers on the dashboard, "12:30."
"great." a sigh, and sanghyeon pats sangwon's stomach once, "don't think. good night."
sangwon laughs lightly, "won't think tonight." he leans his head against the window, "good night."
-
sangwon thinks for a long time after.
he's far too in love with anxin to not be slightly hurt by it.
he can only pretend not to be.
-
anxin leans out the window, looking from his phone to the wide space outside their apartment, worrying his lips.
it's a little over 1 AM, and sangwon and sanghyeon wasn't home yet, none of them had their driver's number and neither of the two members were answering the calls nor replying to the texts the others sent them, so now anxin was left wondering if it was really possible they were this late, especially since they all left the shooting location at the same time.
anxin stares down at the unread texts he'd sent sangwon, scratching his brows.
the messages had delivered, and sangwon didn't sleep while commuting, his phone was always charged full too, especially since he carried a power bank - so why wasn't he responding to the calls and texts.
he doesn't want to think too far, but could something have happened.
was he too in tune with the domestic news from back home about how sasaengs crashed into their idol's cars to recieve that good death of dying with the person they loved the most - god, he needs to shut up.
he needs to shut his brain off.
why was he even thinking right now.
he turns when he feels a presence join him, sighing when he sees leo, who rolls his eyes, "you think glaring into the neighbourhood would magically make them appear?"
"shut up," anxin snips, uncaring. it was leo anyway, he didn't care for honorifics like the others did, "i'm concerned."
leo sighs dramatically, "what could possibly happen on one cold winter night in gangnam - ?" anxin kicks him in the shin, hard. "fuck you, that hurts."
"you're jinxing them, just shut up." when anxin was anxious, his mood isn't so better. depending on the person he's with, he'll lash out. "go sleep, why are you in our dorm."
"they're my members too, genius, don't insult me." leo returns, holding his leg up to rub over it, "nothing could've happened, haein-ssi usually takes a different lane to escape congestion, but it's the long way over. that's all that is."
"nice." anxin deadpans.
"go sleep, you're too little to be staying up so late."
anxin kicks him in the shin again, "i'm waiting for them."
a short pause. "i was making an attempt to send you away." leo says, "based off of your eyes. you look terribly tired."
he was.
anxin woke up too early and has been running on pure drive the entire day.
they had an early start tomorrow too, so he would think it's smart to go sleep now but it was a long day.
he wanted to see sangwon again.
aside from the conversation they had in the morning - that too, hurried, though they were laughing - and a few shared words during the schedule, he hasn't gotten sangwon at all.
the greed killed him.
because it was just two days since he probably got to hold sangwon, but that was two days too many.
anxin wanted sangwon all the time, so having already come to terms with the fact that he knew that to be impossible, he makes do with a few minutes or hours a day.
it was only an issue to him when even that was made too hard to accomplish.
sangwon was the first person he's loved so intensely like this, and with the circumstances of their unition, time would've been an inevitable case. they don't have time at all. and they wouldn't, just fresh out of debut and all, but still.
anxin feels the trickle of impatience bleed over his own fingertips with that all-consuming need to press deep into sangwon's being and envelop him entirely, to have him for himself just for a while, with all the intimacy he could be offered.
because he'd take any.
any form of intimacy sangwon want to give him, he'd take it.
anxin was still working over the fact that sangwon liked him in his head, turning it around over and over, his mind can't get over it. he's so set aside by the novelty of receiving the love and affection he felt for a person he'd admired for a long time so beautifully reciprocated.
so he'd take it all.
he knows sangwon would give him the world if anxin wanted it, but anxin wouldn't ask for anything at all, he only wants to readily receive whatever it is sangwon offers to him instead.
for now, anyway.
his fingertips ached.
it's not as though he can suppress himself for a very long time. but he longed for that sweet, slow beginning he knows sangwon wanted for their relationship, so he was happy to cooperate.
much as he just wants to sink his nails everywhere, he thinks, well... like sangwon says, there is beauty in patience too, if only one waits.
so he'll see.
his nails were too short right now either way.
-
(if anxin ever did think too deeply, it only had to do with the matters of his own selfish heart.
-
sangwon files out of the car after sanghyeon, one eyes fighting for life to stay open, while the other didn't try at all.
"no showering," sanghyeon mutters, punching his own neck, groaning.
sangwon stretches out his arms, tilting his neck up, yawning. he blinks when he makes out twin figures at his dorm window, his arms coming down slowly as he walked towards the entrance, not hearing the noises of protests sanghyeon made to catch up, whining, "now i feel all incomplete again, i wasn't done stretching, you broke the flow!"
it's anxin.
he smiles, sleepily, waving.
his eyes take a minute to focus so the haze of it clears out (he didn't need much of a clear vision to know anxin when he sees him) and he notices leo beside him, on his phone. it takes for anxin to say something for leo to look up, and then he stands up straighter, holding out his phone.
sangwon pats his pockets, where's his phone.
he turns to sanghyeon when the younger holds out both their phones, "picked it up, i think it fell down when we slept."
"thanks," sangwon swipes to his messages right away and sees texts from almost all the members, with leo's at the top with anxin's right under it.
he reads the preview of leo's latest message,
leo: this one was going mad without u here, come upsta... (9 unread msgs)
he turns off his phone, smiling.
-
anxin leaves his bedroom towards the restroom, knocking.
he hears a laugh echo, "anxin?"
"it's me," he replies, then pushes at the door, peeking in, "you didn't lock it?"
sangwon leans over the edge of the bathtub, soap bubbles clinging to him everywhere save up his face, flushed red, eyes amused. the bathroom was lit low, the bathtub brimming with soap bubbles, sangwon a pale, red thing between them. "forgot. no one would crash into the restroom at this hour anyway, except for you."
anxin takes it as permission, closing the door behind him, leaning back against the wall.
he couldn't tell why sangwon looked so... absent earlier.
anxin had held him and when he let go, he'd looked into sangwon's eyes and seen hesitance.
so it isn't that anxin had something to say.
it was that he wanted to know what it is that sangwon wasn't saying.
sangwon looks at him, smiles, before leaning back against the tub, drawing his knees. he cups the bubbles in his hands, blowing lightly on them and watching it flutter in the air, popping. repeats it a few times wordlessly, eyes thoughtful.
anxin doesn't say anything, unmoving where he stands to watch sangwon. except for the slow way sangwon's ears reddened, there was no other indication that he was even slightly flustered or affected by anxin's presence here, however intimate it was.
anxin hadn't realized he'd broke another sort of wall.
sangwon tilts his head back, sending droplets of soap flying to the mirror and the wall, lathering his neck with the soap, scratching softly.
anxin eyes the spectacular line of his lean pale neck and has the sudden urge to sink his teeth in, deep, to mark, taste - to do anything.
anxin pushes off from the wall, standing over the tub, waiting. "hyung."
sangwon hums, sounding faraway, "yeah?"
anxin waits.
when sangwon doesn't anything, he sits on the edge of the tub, leaning down to brush a hand over sangwon's cheek, tilting his face up with fingers on his chin, effectively startling the older.
sangwon's eyes widens a little, and anxin could've sworn he heard his hyung's breath hitch in the dim silence of the restroom.
anxin frowns, "hyung."
sangwon swallows, not even attempting to turn away with the firm soft hold of anxin's hand on his face, it was barely there but it made a statement.
anxin carries on, "is something wrong?"
sangwon clicks his tongue, "i'm working it out in my head, don't worry - it isn't anything too bad."
anxin stiffens, "it's... bad then?"
sangwon gives him a thoughtful glance, "i mean, not really. just for me, like i said i'm working on it." he doesn't wait for anxin's reply (though he was going to lead that up with a question), "do you have a favourite in the group?"
anxin doesn't miss a beat, bemused, "yes, you." he draws back a little, "why?"
sangwon smiles, shaking his head, "just asking i guess."
anxin hums, not following the conversation at all, "is that what's bothering you?"
sangwon holds anxin's hand over his face, pulling away but letting his hand remain. the warmth of sangwon's hand on his sent jolts down anxin's neck. "sort of, it isn't too complicated, don't worry your head about it, really."
okay.
anxin can do that.
anxin can do what sangwon wants him to, but, he can also - "you're my first favourite in the group, everyone else is now."
sangwon pauses, then smiles again (thin, a little incomplete), his face turned away. "good." he sighs before looking to anxin, tilting his head up, "go sleep."
anxin purses his lips, eyes flicking to sangwon's, then back up to the deep brown of his pupils.
then he nods, pinching sangwon's cheek once, leaving.
-
sangwon pinches his lip, shifting so his head is comfortably rested back.
"you're my first favourite in the group, everyone else is now."
first favourite.
everyone else is now.
sangwon collects the soap bubbles to soak him down.
much to think about.
-
it hasn't been the best two weeks for anxin.
for multiple reasons, but one of them would be that sangwon, who used to spend all his free time with anxin whenever he could, was now... splitting that time to spend with other members too.
which really, it's fine.
anxin is a possessive bastard but he isn't too bad... he doesn't care.
except, he finds, he does.
he wasn't as nonchalant as he liked to believe, and he cared a lot, and sangwon loving more people meant less time for anxin, especially within the group, but he can't really point out whether it was sangwon making an attempt to be closer to the other members that was bothering or if it was the fact that it was sanghyeon he seemed to be always with if anxin wasn't there.
of course, if anxin was there, sangwon would make a line straight towards him, claiming the seat next to him, but when anxin wasn't there - he was always with sanghyeon.
maybe anxin's eyes were playing tricks on him, because surely he'd be with geonwoo or leo more? but then when they weren't together, anxin was somehow with leo, and geonwoo never really ventured out of his personal interests, is it that?
anxin doesn't feel like he's receiving less from sangwon, truth be told. sangwon would never make him feel that way, and he does spend a considerable amount of time with anxin.
he just feels like sanghyeon's making a visible space in sangwon's life himself too, one that doesn't have to only do with being in the same group.
it probably bothers him because it's sanghyeon than it's about sangwon being closer with the others, he decides when he walks into the practice room and sees sangwon setting up the music with sanghyeon standing next to him.
because sanghyeon is younger than sangwon.
so more than sangwon being with the older members, anxin was apparently bothered by this.
xinlong was xinlong and uninterested in romance, only looking up to sangwon out of pure admiration.
sanghyeon is the same.
but sanghyeon is charming.
and it wasn't that anxin was insecure about sangwon's love straying from him.
it was just that he's fucking jealous either way.
he doesn't want another younger guy getting attention from sangwon like he did, however sick that sounded - although it didn't sound too sick in his head at all, was that not just normal jealousy?
another issue was that whenever anxin joined them, they changed the topic of whatever they were originally talking about.
which... was admittedly more irking than the initial matter of them spending so much time together.
because what were they talking about that anxin wasn't privy to? he felt left out, and it's childish, but he was closer to sanghyeon than sangwon was (maybe not anymore, but still) and even closer to sangwon, he thought they weren't going to keep much secrets after the confession that happened a few weeks before debut.
but here they were.
anxin loved sangwon enough - deeply, even though he hasn't said it yet because he was still afraid of all these big feelings - to try to not show it much on face.
it was mostly leo having to put up with his frustration.
"they're hiding something from me, i feel like - they're not doing it on purpose, obviously, it just feels like i'm crashing into their conversation when i'm trying to spend some time with my fucking boyfriend," anxin says, pacing around the room, fingers bunched up in his hair.
leo raises a brow from where he's laying down on his bed, scrolling on his phone, "boyfriend? ya'll labeled it?"
anxin flips him off, "more or less."
leo fixes him with a look, "you two confessed and said you'll both wait it out - didn't specify what that it you two are going to wait out is, didn't specify where you two stand now, and now you're like this. this is the result of loose communication, why aren't you sitting him down to confront about this already?"
anxin glowers, "there's nothing to specify, we're fine now, it's just - "
"you're an idiot," leo comments, cutting him off and turning back to his phone, "both of you truly, but then - more than i hear complaints from sangwonie, i hear from you, so i'm inclined to believe you're the bigger idiot."
anxin rubs his hands over his face, "nothing is wrong, it's just - me, making it hard for myself by being like this. sangwon should - " ignores the way leo says 'it's sangwon hyung to you!' to carry on, " - be able to be close to whoever he wants, i just... don't know. i mean i know, but i don't think i should tell you, it sounds strange to me even."
leo sighs, setting down his phone, "don't tell me then, you're better off talking to him. don't let me be the one to tell you but i know this the best, but if something is wrong between him and you, the best option is to always talk to him about it and be so fucking transparent, and you'll find the situation fixed immediately." he gives anxin a grave look, "take my word for it. before you beat yourself over it too much. possessive is good if it's healthy, i feel like. i don't know."
he stands up, ushering anxin out the door, "i need to wash up and sleep, go on upstairs." anxin doesn't protest, only flipping leo off over his shoulder when the older yells, "act smart, not stupid!"
-
sangwon goes around looking for anxin for a long time, finds him in leo's room and returns the same way he came.
-
sangwon is asleep when anxin goes to his room, so the younger pulls the blanket snug over sangwon's shoulder, combs the strands that'd fallen over his face back and leaves.
-
they're having a mini fanmeeting, a brief one before the fansign began, when sangwon receives the question.
he takes the post-it from junseo, smiling, waggling his eyebrows when he reads the question out aloud for the giggling thrill of all the fans there, finding his expression funny probably, "who's your favourite dongsaeng?"
sangwon laughs, he turns the paper over, "um - they're all my favourites, i don't have a definite answer," the fans groan in protest, and he makes a face, "no, like, dongsaeng..."
he turns to look at them, xinlong who was grinning but rolling his eyes, anxin who didn't look like he expected much but smiling anyway, and sanghyeon who upon making eye contact, immediately came up to stand beside him and speak into his own mic, "it's obviously me."
sangwon pauses.
the fans cheer encouragingly and sanghyeon carries on, one arm around sangwon's shoulder, "we spend a lot of time together, right?"
sangwon nods, resigning to another awkward laughter, "yes, we do, but - "
"definitely his favourite dongsaeng!" sanghyeon completes, looking down to meet sangwon's eyes, slightly emphasizing with a brow flick, play along please, "right?"
sangwon pulls away because of how close their faces were, then agrees, "sanghyeon it is!"
he doesn't know why the whole crowd goes crazy with it, cheering loud enough that it startles all of them, but it's just as well.
long as the fans are happy.
he moves to stand back so jiahao can answer his question, hip-knocking sanghyeon, "did you have to, i told you how i felt when he said that, what if he also gets - "
"might move things along," sanghyeon shrugged, unrepentant, "besides, i've learned a lot from you since these two weeks, and trust me - this might be good development."
sangwon rolls his eyes.
he turns towards anxin, feeling uncomfortable in his own chest.
it doesn't really do much to settle him when he sees anxin quietly listening to jiahao with an intentional expression, jaw fixed, though there was a small perfunctory smile on his face.
well.
sangwon really needed to talk with anxin.
-
"are you very bothered about him calling sanghyeon his favourite dongsaeng?" leo asks, sitting beside him in the car. they were on their way home. "don't ignore me, i'm genuinely curious."
anxin bites on his tongue, frustrated at the question itself, "obviously."
he couldn't even look sangwon in the eye because he was afraid he would just ask about it in front of everyone else.
leo hums, then, "cause i was thinking. were you serious when you said i was your favourite hyung weeks ago?"
anxin frowns at him, "what're you talking about?"
"don't remember exactly when but you told a fan i was your favourite hyung recently. you're saying it bothered you a little - or a lot - that sangwon chose sanghyeon, even though you're scarcely aware it's not literal, so i was thinking. sangwon who wants everyone who belongs to him only to belong to him - that's tmi, keep it safe - wouldn't be so pleased if you - as his... boyfriend-not-boyfriend - chose me either."
anxin runs his memories back.
he's hit with a cold sense of realization, "fuck."
leo laughs at him, shoving, "you remember only now?"
anxin rounds him, irritated at the way he found humour in it. he can't stomach the idea he must've upset sangwon with that, "why didn't you tell me."
"i don't really pay too much attention to what i need to tell you and what not, you're chronically online yourself. besides, i only remembered now because you look miffed about the whole thing, i was just connecting it all."
anxin smacks his head back.
that's why sangwon asked him that question that day in the bathroom. and anxin now - anxin can't even remember what he replied with, only that it wasn't so satisfying to sangwon's ears.
anxin pulls out his phone,
me: hyung
me: are u asleep
a-yuan: omw to wash up
a-yuan: when r u home
me: a while later
me: leo hyung stopped by the convenience store
me: 15 mins?
a-yuan: kay
me: will u be asleep?
a-yuan: in the bath
a-yuan: u can come in if u want
a-yuan: or wait up in my room
me: okay
-
leo doesn't pay too much attention to anxin after, the younger had already put in his airpods, only pulls up his chat with the youngest member, typing exasperatedly,
me: icb u
sanghyeon (ald1): ?
sanghyeon (ald1): hi hyung
me: u did that on purpose
me: making sangwonie choose u
sanghyeon (ald1): he does like me the most as a dongsaeng tho? i confirmed it afterwards
me: sanghyeon.
me: u did it on purpose
sanghyeon (ald1): no idea what ur talking abt
sanghyeon (ald1): gn
sanghyeon (ald1): dont wake me again when ur home. im gonna sleep
me: gremlin
-
sanghyeon keeps his phone away, bunching up the blanket around him and cuddling in, smiling knowingly.
"i am so scared of you." geonwoo mutters before laying down too.
"sometimes you need to push a little." sanghyeon responds.
"so scared." geonwoo repeats, switching off the lights.
-