Work Text:
Kunikida was perfectly on time to his perfectly prepared lesson in a classroom in the small town of South Park, Colorado. Since the Detective Agency had temporarily shut down, he needed to look for work, and thankfully a fourth grade teaching position had been open for this district. He was a bit put off by the interview- their principal had stated their last teacher had gone crazy once he discovered his sexuality and ventured to live in the mountains- but that was no concern for Kunikida. He didn't have time to investigate silly rumors when he was on such a tight schedule!
He entered the classroom, set up quickly, and began counting the students.
He was partway through taking attendance, when a small annoyance interrupted his schedule.
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Eric cartman: you seem gay. Are you gay?
Kunikida looks up.
Kunikida: no, and thats none of your concern. Who are you, kid
Eric cartman; are you jewish then. Im trying to find out whats wrong with you
Kyle: dude you cant say that
Cartman: shut up!
Kunikida then takes out his doppo poet book but then realizes hes at work so he cant use it plus hurting children is against his ideals. But this kid was so annoying.
Kunikida: be quiet before i send you to the principals office. Now whats your name kid
Cartman: Respect meh authority.
Kunikida: now listen here brat.
Dazai: oh kunikidaaaaa is this your new work.
Kunikida: dazai? Where have you been i tjought yoh were in jail.
Dazai: i escaped. I decided this month im into annoying blondes. And you happened to be blonde.
Cartman; i knewwww you were gay
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Kunikida turning red: I cannot snap at a child... but this one is going to make me lose my ideals..
Dazai: points a gun at cartman
Cartman: ooh scary
Kunikida; DAZAI YOU CANNOT POINT A GUN AT A CHILD!
Dazai: It's fine, I'm just gonna scare him a bit! (Dazai pulls the trigger and murders Kenny)
Stan: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: wow this hasnt happened in like 12 seasons.
Kunikida: DAZAI! GET! OUT!
Cartman: Yeah Dazai, listen to your jew boyfriend, or Netanyahu is gonna get you!
Dazai: We already killed that guy.
Kunikida: The fuck??
Dazai: Yeah last week when I decided I was into sadistic russians, i sucked off fyodor and we killed netanyahu. thats why you havent heard from me.
Kunikida: what else could i expect..
Dazai: ugh you just gave me the ick. I think im into redheads again. Im gonna go find Chuuya, byeeee~!
Kunikida sighed: FInally he's gone... let's get back on with the lesson, shall we?
Cartman: Shits on his desk
Kunikida knocks Cartman out with his fists
Later, Principal Victoria entered the room and found Cartman and Kenny dead and fired Kunikida.