Chapter Text
Choi Soobin's life changes on a chilly October night.
The five of them are seated on the living room floor in Soobin and Beomgyu's dorm. Between them lay green soju bottles and boneless fried chicken they'd ordered from some discounted place on Coupang, plastic bags and takeaway containers scattered around messily.
They've switched on the ondol heating and the hardwood floor is warm beneath their legs. Soobin's belly is comfortably full. He breathes gently, nursing a shot glass full of plum-flavoured soju as he listens to the conversation happening around him. The alcohol is making his brain a fuzzy in a nice way, all the sharp edges in his vision shaved down into gentler curves.
"My first kiss? A girl from middle school," Yeonjun announces, and Soobin can't remember how they got onto this topic. "She confessed to me at lunchtime. We dated for a few months, but then she transferred to another school."
"Nice." Soobin raises his glass as if in memorial. "What about you, Beomgyu-yah?"
"Do you guys remember Jinwoo? He was mine," Beomgyu admits quietly. His cheeks turn pink and his mouth gathers into a little V shape, the one he does whenever he's shy. He had come out to the members as gay many years ago, but Soobin knows Beomgyu can still struggle with talking about it so openly.
Kai stares blankly at the soju bottle in front of him.
"Jinwoo? From trainee days? Aww," Yeonjun coos. "My baby found true love…"
"Well, it didn't last long. He got sent home and then it was just the five of us," Beomgyu says, a bittersweet tinge to his voice.
Soobin's heart aches. Having a crush back then, someone to kiss and hold hands with, would have been a lifeline of hope in an otherwise bleak and dark existence. Their time as trainees was something Soobin avoided thinking about where possible. Every day had been a living nightmare, from sleeping in a cramped, cold dorm room, to watering down their soda so that everyone could have a full cup, to performing the same moves over and over in mouldy practice rooms as the instructor screamed again! - two, three - Choi Soobin, are you even trying?
Yeonjun is pouting. "I'm sorry, baby… What about our Taehyunie? Did you kiss someone at Hanlim?"
"No," Taehyun replies slowly, the vowels all drawn out, and Soobin realises that Taehyun has had way too much to drink. "Some people at school wanted to kiss me, but-"
He hiccups and his whole body jumps, then relaxes back into his slumped position against the back of the couch.
"-but I told them no, because I was saving myself," he finishes, and then nods once to himself like he's proud of finishing his sentence.
"Ehh? Saving yourself for what, marriage?" Kai asks, also sounding three drinks past his limit.
"No, dummy. For Soobinie-hyung. Duh!"
…What?
The silence that follows seems to pull insistently on Soobin's eardrums, as though the atmosphere has been sucked out of the room. No one moves or speaks, and Soobin almost thinks he's misheard, but one look at the strickened expressions on Beomgyu and Yeonjun's faces tells him all he needs to know.
"But don't tell Soobinie-hyung that," Taehyun continues, and Yeonjun is start to look panicked. Soobin thinks he might throw up all the chicken he just ate. "Hyung will get upset if he knows I waited for him like that. It's okay. Hyung was busy being the best leader ever."
Taehyun clumsily pours himself another shot, happily continuing as though Soobin weren't even there.
"It was just a crush. I got over it… when did I get over it again, Kai-yah? Was it Freeze? Or the one after? I can't remember. But it's all good. But I haven't kissed anyone. Except Yeonjunie-hyung obviously, but that doesn't cou-"
Yeonjun slaps a hand over Taehyun's mouth, causing the soju in Taehyun's hand to spill over his pants. Soobin needs to scream, or hit his own head on the floor, or something equally insane. Taehyun lets out an indiginant whine, muffled by the hand death-gripping his face.
"Okay, haha, I think that's enough now! Let's get you to bed!" Yeonjun says loudly, laughing nervously. He avoids Soobin's eyes as he slings Taehyun's arm over his own shoulder and lifts him on to his feet.
"I wasn't finished - need my drink - ugh, hyung!" Taehyun continues to whine.
"You guys don't mind cleaning up, do you? I'm gonna get this silly guy to bed. Haha. Bye," Yeonjun says quickly in farewell, forcing Taehyun past the kitchen and through the front door. Their apartment is on the same floor as Soobin and Beomgyu's, but they might as well be headed to Madagascar with the way Soobin immediately mourns their absence.
The door slams behind them, then an electronic jingle sounds as it locks automatically. Soobin turns back to Beomgyu and Kai, who are shifting uncomfortably.
"What the hell was that all about?" Soobin demands. "Taehyun likes me? Since when?"
"Used to like you," Kai corrects quickly.
"Since forever," Beomgyu confesses.
"Since forever," Soobin repeats hoarsely, not believing his goddamn ears. "What the fuck does that mean?"
Beomgyu and Kai have a silent battle with their eyes, each unwilling to bite the bullet. Eventually, Beomgyu must lose, because he sighs and turns back to Soobin.
"He's had a crush on you since basically the first time you guys met and talked. Just a crush, but, y'know, then we all got a lot closer as the other trainees left one by one, and it got a little more serious for him. I think he was planning on confessing to you at some point. But then you were announced as our leader, and it got into his head a bit. He didn't want to burden you in any way, so he just kept his feelings to himself."
Taehyun had liked him? Since they were trainees? Gangling, awkward, helpless him? Yes, Taehyun had always leaned on him emotionally from the beginning, but Soobin just thought that was because he was older, and he was their leader. He had been there for Taehyun in a way that Yeonjun and Beomgyu couldn't be. Taehyun had been this scrawny little thing, looking up at him with massive brown eyes. It makes Soobin sick to think that those eyes hadn't simply held admiration. It had always been more.
And it had lasted a long time - until Freeze? That means Taehyun had liked him for five years. Five whole years. And Soobin had never noticed. Never suspected that the way Taehyun liked to cling to him, and wrestle with him, and grin at him with all his teeth, might have been more than just friendly.
And then Taehyun must have had enough. He'd finally gotten over it, and here they are another five years later. That's a whole ten years Soobin had been in the dark.
He thinks he might throw up.
Distantly, he wonders what was the last straw that caused Taehyun to let it go.
"Hyung, he… He didn't want you to know. He didn't want to upset you," Beomgyu says gently.
"Upset me?" Soobin repeats hysterically. Everything feels wrong. "He should have told me. I'm upset now. Why would he not share that with me? He kept it secret for a whole decade!"
"Because you didn't like him back! There was no point!" Kai says.
You didn't like him back. Soobin thinks about the statement for a moment and realises it was neither true nor untrue. It was simply something that Soobin had never thought about before, and now, Soobin's brain is struggling to catch up. Years of history, of conversations and tears and hugs, for which Soobin now has to reexamine within this new frame of context. He feels crazy. His brain is sending alert signals off like fireworks, sirens echoing in his ears.
"I don't… I don't know what to say," Soobin croaks honestly.
Beomgyu gently pats Soobin's thigh in a gesture that's supposed to be comforting, but really just makes Soobin's nerves stand on end.
"Hyung, the fact that he liked you doesn't really change anything. Doesn't he still act the same way now that he did then? He's always admired you as a leader, as his fellow member. The fact that he had a crush on you was just a little a quirk of your relationship. The cherry on top, if you will."
"Yeah, don't worry!" Kai chimes in, sounding two levels more jovial than he would be sober. "He wasn't, like, pining after you all heartbroken and stuff. Well, kinda, but not really. He just accepted the way things were and he was happy to just be close to you. And look at you guys now! Still best buds, the captain and his right-hand man!"
Soobin's mouth opens and closes like a goldfish. He doesn't know what to say, or do, or think.
"Okay, look, we probably shouldn't talk about this anymore without you talking to Taehyun first. He wouldn't have said all that if he were sober," Beomgyu says finally.
"Now hang on - what was all that about him kissing Yeonjunie-hyung?" Soobin demands.
Beomgyu and Kai look sheepishly at each other, then back at Soobin.
"Nothing, really," Beomgyu starts, but is met with a poisonous glare from Soobin. "Okay, fine… He asked Yeonjunie-hyung to be his first kiss a few years ago. Come to think of it, that also would have been around Freeze era. But they weren't together or anything - just bros being bros."
"Bros being bros," Soobin repeats flatly. His intestines feel like they are being pulled taut. Yeonjun was Taehyun's first kiss. He tries to weigh the new knowledge in his mind, but it's too heavy for him to even grasp.
All he wants to do is to see Taehyun, shake his shoulders and demand answers. But right now, Taehyun is probably already unconscious in his own bed.
"I'm going to bed," Soobin announces. He's so focused on his own thoughts that he doesn't notice the way Beomgyu and Kai are sitting a little too close to each other. He drifts to his room in a daze, leaving the two of them to deal with the mess of bottles and dirty recyling.
From what Soobin knew, it was rare for crushes to develop between group members. If an attraction developed in the early stages of a friendship, it was quickly quashed by unending stress, the fight to debut, and the fact that you were together for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All the ugliest parts of yourself were quickly laid bare to your fellow trainees. Not that Soobin had ever found any part of Taehyun ugly, but still.
Not to mention the fact that most people were straight. At least, that's what Soobin thought. Soobin had thought that Taehyun being straight was a obvious fact, a truism, like the sky being blue or one plus one equalling two. He had thought a lot of things. Maybe he didn't know anything at all.
He liked me, Soobin thinks as he rips his shirt off and changes into comfortable pants.
He LIKED me, Soobin thinks as he collapses into bed, unbrushed teeth be damned.
Taehyunie liked me, Soobin thinks as he closes his eyes in exhaustion. How very strange.
Halogen lights. Sweat and artificial perfume. Talking, murmuring, laughter.
"Hyung."
There is a boy with hair somewhere between golden and white. His eyes are too big for his face.
"Open this for me."
Soobin takes the ketchup packet and opens it. The boy has one hand in a cast. His eyes turn into half-moons in thanks.
"What happened to your hand?" Soobin hears himself ask.
"I broke my finger. Remember?" says the boy.
Soobin can't remember anything. He just knows that his heart is aching, and there's something important he has to say, but he can't remember… Can't remember…
"We have to go back on stage soon," says the boy.
"I don't want to," says Soobin. "I… I need to ask you something…"
"It's wet."
The boy isn't looking at Soobin, but at the floor, where water is sloshing around his ankles. Soobin looks around in alarm, but no one else seems to have noticed. The protocol team are laughing raucously. The makeup noonas are organising their materials and chatting amiably. The other boys are asleep or on their phones.
The water is rising impossibly fast. It's hard to hear anything over the sound of the rushing tide. It's cold. The water is at his hips now. Soobin doesn't know what to do, heart racing. He reaches out, grabs the boy by his shoulder.
"I need to ask you something," Soobin repeats.
"We have to go back on stage soon," says the boy.
Soobin brings the boy closer, and all his features come into focus. Wide, brown eyes, stars twinkling in his irises. A striking, handsome nose. Pink lips.
"Taehyun-ah."
"Yes, hyung?" says the boy.
The water is at their shoulders. Soobin brings him even closer and holds him tightly in his arms. The boy's body is small, smaller than Soobin remembers. Soobin remembers. Soobin remembers.
"Do you like me?"
The boy relaxes in his hold, gently resting his head in the crook of Soobin's neck. Soobin can feel his smile. Halogen lights. The water engulfs them.
Soobin wakes with a start.
The room is freezing, and he's somehow kicked his blankets onto the floor in his sleep. He grabs the blanket and wraps himself in it, burrowing in for warmth. His heart is racing with anxiety - the dream and the night before come back to him in snatches - the water - Taehyun.
His heart jumps, this time not with anxiety, but something else.
He stomach begins to twist as he thinks of Taehyun. The Taehyun in his dream had been real - a platinum-blond memory from five or six years ago, in the waiting room between recordings - and he had felt real enough to touch. Soobin's fingers reach out across the sheets, as though he might be able to feel him beside him.
Taehyun with his big eyes, his cute little dimple that pops out whenever he smiles, his endearing rambling. Oh, God. Does he like Taehyun?
The revelation hits like a punch to the stomach. He likes Taehyun.
Panic begins to seize his body and he has to take deep breaths to calm himself, the way he used to do before going up on stage. Okay, this is fine. He just has a crush on his bandmate who used to have a crush on him, it's fine.
Oh, shit. Taehyun used to have a crush on him. Past tense. Soobin is so fucked.
Trying his best to take steady breaths, Soobin lays the facts out in his mind. Taehyun had a crush on Soobin as a trainee and into the first couple of years of group activities. Soobin had no idea. In fact, Soobin thought Taehyun liked girls. Taehyun turned down offers from his classmates. Taehyun waited for him. Soobin never realised. Taehyun got over his crush on Soobin in 2021. Also in 2021, Taehyun had his first kiss with Choi Yeonjun.
Hang on. Does that mean Taehyun fell for Yeonjun instead?
Soobin shoots out of bed and stumbles across the room, legs getting caught in the blanket. "Shit!" He races down the hallway and out his own front door, realising belatedly that he's forgotten to put a shirt on. Whatever. He's beginning to shiver from the cold as he punches in the code to the other dorm, the door unlocking with its familiar robotic melody.
He barrels in, then hesitates. He wants to see Taehyun, but doesn't want to wake him up if he's asleep. Instead, he pivots to Yeonjun's door and opens it quietly, lest the sound disturb Taehyun in his room.
"Hyung," Soobin hisses. "Wake up!"
"Hmmwha?" Yeonjun mumbles unintelligbly from a mass of blankets.
"Why did you kiss Taehyun? Are you guys dating?"
Soobin looms over Yeonjun's bed, watching as Yeonjun furrows his brows and smacks his lips.
"Wha? Dating? Who's dating?"
"You and Taehyun," Soobin says impatiently. "Since 2021."
Yeonjun pauses, then barks out a laugh. "It's too early for this, Soobin-ah."
It's definitely too early. Soobin feels dizzy and nauseous, the unpleasant aftertaste of last night's alcohol and chicken still lingering on his tastebuds. But he presses on.
"He said it last night. That you were his first kiss."
Yeonjun sighs and rubs the sleep out of his puffy eyes. "Okay, fine, I was his first kiss. But we're not-"
"I have the right to know if my members are dating. I'm the leader," Soobin cuts in hotly. "It affects the whole group."
"I said, we're not dating, Soobin-ah."
Soobin stares at Yeonjun for a few moments, then deflates, all the adrenaline leaving his body. He perches on the edge of the bed, feeling a little apologetic for the way he's interrupted his hyung's slumber. "So why would you kiss him?"
"He asked me. Back then. He wanted to have his first kiss. I was experienced, and he could trust me. It was a one-time thing."
Soobin sits with the thought. Nineteen-year-old Kang Taehyun, asking his eldest hyung to be his first kiss. Would he have been nervous? Did they steal a kiss in the hallways between practice, or was it in Yeonjun's bedroom?
"How was it?" Soobin lets out before he can stop himself.
Yeonjun snorts incredulously. "Fine. Nice, I guess."
Nice. Kissing Kang Taehyun was nice, apparently.
"Did you… Did you know back then, that he liked me?" Soobin's eyes drop to the sheets, suddenly embarrassed to be perceived.
"We all knew," says Yeonjun.
It's like a knife to the stomach. Everyone knew. Everyone but Soobin picked up on it. Soobin had been blind, had failed in his duty to take care of his bandmates. All he had ever wanted was to keep his members happy, to be a solid stone foundation for them to stand on, a quiet place to soothe their pain. And he had fucked up, big time.
"Soobin-ah, you should talk to him. He's probably embarrassed about letting it slip last night. He was gonna take it to the grave if he could."
"Yeah." Soobin clears his throat. "Talk. I will do that."
He steals a glance at the bedside clock - 10:03 AM. He wants to let Taehyun rest a bit more. But when he leaves Yeonjun's room, shutting the door quietly behind him, Taehyun is standing in the kitchen with a glass of water.
It's like Soobin is seeing him for the first time.
Taehyun had always been cute. Messy brown hair falling in his eyes, too-short pyjama pants cropping at his ankles. A small hand wrapped around a glass. These are all things Soobin had been distantly aware of, but now it feels like there's a magnetic force pulling all the atoms of his body towards Taehyun. He wants to hold him in his arms for real, not just in a dream.
"Taehyun-ah," Soobin breathes out. He sounds stupid even to his own ears.
"Good morning, hyung," Taehyun says in that very Taehyun way of his. "Aren't you cold?"
"Huh? Oh!" Soobin slaps two hands self-consciously over his nipples and runs back into Yeonjun's room to steal a hoodie. He's never had a problem with Taehyun seeing him shirtless before, but it's different now.
"Uh, sorry," Soobin says sheepishly after running back into the kitchen, torso now covered. "Listen, Taehyun-ah…"
"Hm?" Taehyun's eyes widen with curiosity, and he looks so much like a cute little kitten that Soobin just can't stop himself. The words climb out of his mouth with supernatural force.
"I like you!"
Silence. Then, Taehyun bursts into laughter. Guffaws might be a better word. Chortling turns into howls, and he has to grab his belly with one hand and the kitchen bench with the other hand to steady himself. Soobin stares in silence, gobsmacked.
Eventually, Taehyun comes back to his senses, a few stray cackles leaving his chest as he wipes his teary eyes. "Oh, you're funny, hyung."
"I'm being serious!" Soobin says indignantly.
"Yeah, yeah, okay," Taehyun giggles softly.
"No, I'm deadass!"
Taehyun is still grinning. Frustrated, Soobin steps up to him and grabs his shoulders - firmer and wider than the younger Taehyun from his dream - and shakes them gently.
"Kang Taehyun, I like you."
The smile has dropped off Taehyun's face now. He looks pensive for a moment, then sighs.
"Hyung, I remember last night. I'm sorry for harbouring inappropriate feelings towards you when I was younger, but as I told you, I got over them many years ago. You don't have to do this."
"I know!" Soobin exclaims. He's getting a little lost in Taehyun's chocolate eyes but he tries to stay focused. "I know I don't have to do anything. I just want you to know how I feel."
"And when did you start feeling this way?"
Soobin thinks for a moment. "This morning?"
Taehyun smiles again, but it's less genuine now. His eyes don't meet Soobin's as he gently pulls Soobin's arms off his own shoulders.
"Look, hyung, you're just feeling this way because you've learned someone used to be attracted to you and now your lizard brain is inventing-"
"Hey!"
"It's not an insult! I mean the primitive part of your brain that we've had since we were lizards crawling over the earth, it's telling you that you like me because it's suddenly considering me as a potential mate. Reproduction is a biological urge, but not one that is necessary for individual survival. For starters, we're both men, so reproduction is impossible."
Soobin's jaw hangs open. Why does Taehyun have to be so Taehyun? It's frustratingly endearing. Taehyun basically just called him a lizard, yet his heart flutters all the same.
"I know we're both men. I'm not saying I want to reproduce. I'm just… I'm just saying I like you."
Taehyun cocks his head. "Maybe think about it for more than the, what, thirty minutes that you've been awake?" He puts his glass in the sink and sidesteps Soobin. "I'm going back to bed. See you for 1 PM pickup."
Practice is sweet hell. On the one hand, Soobin can't concentrate, he's consistently fucking up the choreography, and the instructor looks two seconds away from strangling Soobin with his bare hands. On the other hand, Soobin gets to watch and observe Taehyun in the mirror for hours on end. He notices the way Taehyun's body twists and turns, reaches and relaxes. He discerns the minute differences in Taehyun's expression when he's struggling with the moves versus when he feels confident. It's like Taehyun is glowing, a warm golden aura surrounding him. How had he never paid attention before?
"Soobin-ah, what is up with you?" the instructor sighs after Soobin goes left instead of right for the millionth time. "I need a goddamn vacation. Take five."
The boys disperse. Soobin's body floats helplessly like a ghost towards Taehyun's direction, where he's wiping his forehead with a towel, until Yeonjun yanks him to another corner of the room.
"What are you doing, man?" Yeonjun sounds tired.
"I'm confessing to Taehyun."
"You're… what?"
"Confessing to Taehyun."
"Confessing what? That you accidentally threw out his cleansing foam that one time?" Yeonjun looks puzzled.
"No, confessing that I like him," Soobin says, his tone practically screaming duh.
Yeonjun raises his eyebrows incredulously. "You like him? Since when?"
"Since this morning. I already confessed to him earlier but he didn't seem to get it."
"You confessed to him," Yeonjun repeats, looking pained. "And what did he say?"
"He called me a lizard. And he said we can't reproduce because we're both men." Despite himself, Soobin starts to smile fondly at the memory. Taehyun is just so incredibly endearing.
Yeonjun sighs and rubs his forehead like he has the world's biggest migraine.
"Soobin-ah, you cannot be serious. You can't treat him this way. He may be over you now, but he still carried a torch for you for a long time. You can't go playing with his feelings for your entertainment like he's some sort of toy."
The indignation wells up in Soobin's chest like a tidal wave. "I am not playing with him! I'm serious. More serious than I've ever been about anything in my life."
"Oh, my God. You're beyond help. Whatever, go do what you want - just try not to be a fucking idiot. Please?"
Soobin glares at Yeonjun, then dramatically stalks over to where Taehyun is resting alone on a seat. Taehyun is all sweaty, wet hair hanging over his eyes, forearms shining. Soobin's mouth waters.
"Hey, Taehyun-ah."
Taehyun eyes him warily.
"Yes, hyung?"
"I like you. You know that, right?"
"So you keep saying," Taehyun muses.
"I'm serious. What can I do to make you believe me?" He's beginning to sound desperate. But that's fine, Soobin thinks. Real men are simps.
Taehyun raises his eyebrows and decides to humour Soobin. "Alright, you can tell me what it is about me that you allegedly like."
"Everything," Soobin replies immediately. And it's true. He doesn't even need to think about it - there has never been a day in his life where he didn't like one facet of Kang Taehyun.
"That's a little unspecific."
"I just-"
Soobin is interrupted by the instructor calling for everyone to reassemble. He grabs Taehyun's shoulder frantically, not wanting the conversation to end so prematurely, but lets go when Taehyun shrugs away.
"I just feel it, in my chest. That I like you."
"Okay, sure, hyung, I believe you," Taehyun says, and Soobin knows he's lying. "But I'm sorry, I don't like you that way anymore. So can we move on now?"
"You waited for me for years. I'll wait for you. For however long it takes."
Something flickers in Taehyun's eyes, the light dimming almost imperceptibly.
"It's been a day," Taehyun says drily.
"I'll wait a decade."
"You've decided that since this morning?"
"Yep," Soobin replies, but Taehyun is already walking away from Soobin.
You can't go playing with his feelings for your entertainment like he's some sort of toy.
Soobin can't even begin to imagine the ordeal Taehyun must have gone through, having a secret crush on his stupid, oblivious, good-for-nothing hyung. To have his feelings finally reciprocated, five years too late, must be difficult to believe. That's okay. Soobin will do whatever it takes to convince Taehyun of the depth and sincerity of his feelings. And then Soobin will woo him over again.
There's a newfound determination surging through his body. He aces the choreography for the rest of the day, only tripping up once when Taehyun's eyes accidentally meet his in the mirror and he forgets how to breathe properly.
In the car back home, Beomgyu rambles on about some new Netflix drama, but Soobin is lost in his head, watching the city fly by his window. There's a memory crawling at the edges of his cortex, itching to be revisited.
Soobin closes his eyes.
He's lying alone on the practice room floor one day, listening to his own breathing. The days are long, blurring together like overlapping film strips. He's been spending more and more time drowning in his own thoughts, trying to remember life before the company.
Taehyun comes back early from school. Group practice isn't scheduled to begin for another half hour, when Taehyun and the rest of the boys are supposed to arrive.
"Taehyun-ah, why are you back early? Is everything okay?" Soobin sits up in alarm. He's already been picked as the leader and it's his duty to keep the boys in line. Thinking about it for too long makes his stomach feel like it'll turn inside out.
"I'm fine, hyung. I snuck out early. We had a useless workshop thing that I didn't really need to be at. Kai and Beomgyu-hyung will be back later."
"Oh, okay. Do you want to nap for a bit? You must be tired from school."
"No. I want to go out and eat. Come with me?"
Soobin hesitates. They're not supposed to go out without permission from the Rookie Development noona.
But Taehyun is looking down at him with big, hopeful eyes, and he's wearing a thick, white padded coat that makes him look like a giant ice cream bar. Soobin's heart twinges.
"Okay, let's go."
Taehyun clings onto Soobin's arm as they walk down the street. The trees are bare, the world grey and dull. Soobin's thin hoodie does little to keep out the cold. He snuggles a little closer to Taehyun.
Eventually they reach their local tteokbokki cart. The old lady manning the stand waves at them in greeting as they bow politely.
"Two cups, please," says Taehyun.
Soobin turns to him, panicked. "Taehyun-ah, I'm not having any. Just get one for yourself."
"I know you haven't eaten today. Please, hyung, it's my treat."
Soobin stares at him, conflicted. They've been telling him to give the sweets and the bread rolls a rest. Your cheeks are still too chubby for your age, they said.
"Hyung, you need to eat well," Taehyun urges.
"Coming from you!" Soobin knows that Taehyun is all skin and bones under the coat.
"I want us both to eat well," Taehyun smiles. "Come on, it's no fun if I have to eat alone."
Taehyun takes out a fistful of coins from his pocket and hands them to the lady. Soobin feels another twinge of guilt. His own weekly allowance had run out yesterday. He can't finish school, can't control his calories, can't manage his own budget - how could he ever be expected to lead a group of four other boys?
"Here," Taehyun whispers, passing Soobin a cup. It's hot between his hands and smells heavenly. Soobin hesitates for only a moment before he stabs the rice cake with a toothpick and takes a bite. Chewy, warm and pleasantly spicy. His stomach screams for more.
"Mmf's so good," Soobin mumbles earnestly, already shoving more into his mouth.
"Hyung, you seriously look like a rabbit!" Taehyun says through laughter. He looks so happy. Soobin swallows and grins, uncaring of the red sauce he knows must be painted all over his teeth.
They head back to the practice room, bellies full. No one catches them. Later that night, Taehyun confesses, "I want to take care of you."
"So, was Taehyun not into girls?"
Beomgyu groans. "Get out of my room, hyung."
Soobin flops onto Beomgyu's bed, ignoring the latter's indignant shout. He makes himself comfortable, pulling the blanket taut around himself in a way he knows will annoy Beomgyu even further.
"Well?"
Beomgyu sighs, resigning himself to the fact that Soobin won't leave until he's gotten what he wanted.
"Not that I know of, he wasn't. Was there any reason you thought he was into girls?"
Soobin thinks for a moment. Taehyun had always liked stereotypically manly things. UFC wrestling, soccer, going to the gym. But he also liked cooking, and magic, and girl groups. Does liking TWICE make you gay? He'd had Jungkook as his profile picture for a while too - Soobin had always assumed it was just in an idolising, I-want-to-be-you kind of way.
"I don't know," Soobin says eventually. "He never talked about boys."
"Yeah, but he never talked about girls either, did he?"
"Yes, he did! Girls at school!"
Beomgyu deadpan stares. "They were his friends. He had a ton of female friends because he was nice and he never tried to hit on anyone."
"Huh…" Soobin muses.
"Of course, he had girls confessing left and right. Some boys, too. I mean, look at him, he was a cutie," Beomgyu continues. Soobin nods in agreement. "But, as you know, he was too focused on his stupid Soobinie-hyung."
Soobin hums. Then -
"Beomgyu-yah, will you kiss me?"
"WHAT? Ew! Get the fuck out of here!" Beomgyu barks, and begins pushing at Soobin with his feet.
"Right? That's the normal response to have!" Soobin says, pulling himself back onto the bed after Beomgyu successfully manages to push his legs off the edge. "So tell me why Yeonjunie-hyung agreed to kiss Taehyun. And tell me why the hell Taehyun asked Yeonjunie-hyung to kiss him in the first place."
"Get off my bed!" Beomgyu shouts in annoyance.
"Tell me!" Soobin yells in return.
"I don't know, maybe because he was tired of waiting for your sorry ass to notice him! He wanted to finally have his first time with someone he could trust, no strings attached!"
Soobin deflates. Then freezes as he registers what exactly he just heard.
"Wait, his 'first time'? You mean first time kissing, right? Not…"
Beomgyu opens and closes his mouth stupidly, then squeezes his eyes shut in regret.
"Good night, hyung!" Beomgyu dismisses him finally, turning around to face the wall and taking all of the blanket with him.
Soobin thinks he's gonna be sick. He's been feeling like that a lot lately.
With unsteady feet, Soobin trudges back to his own room, feeling like the world's biggest idiot. A few stray tears fall from his eyes and he wipes them away hastily. What use is it to cry over the past? All you can control is the present, Taehyun used to tell him all the time. And at present, Soobin just wants to pass out.
"Kang Taehyun, I love your eyes."
"Good morning to you, too," Taehyun replies, not missing a beat.
They're at the in-company salon, getting their makeup done for a day of photoshoots. The noonas are pretending not to eavesdrop as they swipe various liquids and powders all over the boys' faces. These noonas have been with them for several years now, and one of them announced her engagement to her girlfriend last year, so Soobin feels safe enough to speak unfiltered.
He can't stop looking at Taehyun's face in the mirror, the planes of his face illuminated flatteringly by the lights. Taehyun has always been so handsome.
"You asked me what I like about you. So I'll tell you. Your eyes are seriously beautiful. And you look hot when your eyebrows are out."
Taehyun doesn't outwardly react, but the tips of his ears grow the faintest shade pink.
"My eyes and eyebrows, huh? You should become an opthamologist if you like eyes that much."
Soobin laughs. "No, because I only like yours. I don't give a fuck about anyone else's."
The makeup noona tuts disapprovingly at the swear word, then goes back to pretending she isn't listening.
"I like when they style your hair so you look like a chocoball. It's so cute. You're so cute. But I also like it when you have your hair up and you look like a bad boy. I like that you like to give off that bad boy image, but actually you're so sweet and innocent."
"I am not innocent-" Taehyun squawks.
"Yes, you are. You're fascinated by all the mundane things in life. You love watching those animal videos on YouTube, and I love watching you."
"Soobin-ssi, please turn your head this way," the makeup noona requests, and he loses sight of Taehyun's face as he turns his head. That doesn't stop him from continuing his spiel.
"You already know I think you're so cute. But you're seriously, seriously so cute that I get cuteness aggression. I just want to squeeze you. You're like a baby kitten. Actually, baby kittens have nothing on you. The way you refuse to be seen as cute just makes you even cuter." Soobin is grinning at thin air.
"Other way, please," the noona orders, and now Soobin gets to stare directly at Taehyun's profile.
"And I love how you love the team more anything. Your love inspires me," Soobin concludes simply.
There's four layers of makeup concealing the skin of Taehyun's face, but it doesn't hide the blush blooming on his neck and ears. Soobin's heart does a little loop. He could seriously get used to this. It doesn't even matter if Taehyun doesn't like him back, as long as Soobin gets to stay close to him forever.
"Cool," Taehyun says eventually. "Is that all?"
Soobin grins. "Oh, there's way more where that came from."
"You're all done, Soobin-ssi. Beomgyu-ssi?" the noona calls, and Beomgyu comes to take Soobin's place.
Soobin leaves Taehyun behind and collapses on the black leather couch where Kai is staring into space, face and hair already made up. They sit in silence for a while. Soobin watches as Beomgyu and Taehyun begin murmuring to each other in low voices. The jealousy drifts gently through his body, not perturbing him, but still making its presence known. What do the younger members talk about together when he's not around? Everyone but him knew about Taehyun's crush - what else has he missed out on over the years?
Soobin realises that Kai is staring blankly at Taehyun and Beomgyu, unmoving. "Kai-yah?"
"Huh? Oh." Kai snaps out of his stupor. "Hi."
"Everything alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, all good. Just tired. What about you, though? Is everything okay with you and Taehyun, you know, after the other night?"
Soobin inhales. "I realised I'm in love with him." Oh shit, did he just say love?
Kai's jaw hangs open.
"I've already told him multiple times that I like him, but he won't believe me. So I'm gonna keep telling him until he believes me. And then, if possible, I'm gonna woo him. But it's okay if that doesn't work. He waited so long for me, why should I get to have him immediately?"
"Sorry - you suddenly realised that you're in love with him?" Kai hisses under his breath, lest anyone overhear. "How the hell is that possible? You never even looked at him before yesterday."
"Yes, I did! I just… I just… I never thought about it properly before then. Never even considered it. And now that I'm considering it - I want him! I want to hold hands and cuddle him. You know," Soobin says awkwardly, clearing his throat.
"Is it possible you're confusing temporary attraction with love? I mean, of course you love him, we all love him - but we're not in love with him!"
Soobin looks at Taehyun, who's standing up to get his jacket refitted, and his breath catches. Taehyun's body takes up space in Soobin's universe in a way it never had before. He's hyperaware of the younger boy's presence, his movements, his breathing.
The light catches on Taehyun's watch as he carefully removes it - it's the expensive Cartier watch he has matching with Beomgyu. Soobin swallows and looks down at his own lap.
Taehyun had always been to Soobin what Soobin wanted to be for the rest of them - a source of warmth and comfort, a place to rest. Now it just so happens that Soobin wants to be in that resting place 24/7.
He wants to lie beside Taehyun and talk about philosophy and anime. He wants to know everything about Taehyun. He wants to know what cartoons he used to watch after school. He wants to know how he would rank the drinks menu at Mega Coffee. He wants to map out all the callouses on his hands, and tease him about his cute little feet. He wants with every fiber of his being. He's never been so sure of his own feelings.
And if Soobin thinks about it hard enough, he'd always felt this way, the desire lurking in a dusty back room of his psyche. Ten years is a long time to get to know someone. When that person is someone like Kang Taehyun, it's impossible not to start developing feelings, however buried and subtle.
"I'm not confused," Soobin says seriously. "I know it seems sudden. That's why I'm not gonna force Taehyun to do or say anything. I just want him to know that I'm sincere."
Kai sighs. "I just don't want Taehyunie to get hurt. Or you, for that matter."
"If I hurt Taehyun again, I'll kill myself," Soobin says with a completely straight face, and Kai squawks in protest.
"Hyung, that's not what I'm saying!"
"I know, I know," Soobin smiles. "I'll be careful."
Kai relaxes next to him.
"So… when are you gonna tell Beomgyu that you want him?" Soobin asks suddenly.
Kai coughs and protests unintelligibly, syllables coming out in a jumbled mess. Soobin just laughs and ruffles Kai's hair as he stands up to get fitted.
The rest of the day is a swirling rush of cameras and flashes. They morph their faces and bodies every which way, hoping for one good photo out of a thousand. Soobin prides himself on his ability to stay focused and get the job done when it really matters, but Taehyun's presence next to him still makes his stomach tighten. He takes what he hopes is a subtle intake of breath as Taehyun crouches near him, trying to catch the scent of his shampoo.
Hours pass and exhaustion wears them down. Soobin feels like a load of wet laundry as he collapses onto the couch in the break room while Yeonjun gets his solo photos taken. Taehyun comes trudging over, and Soobin wants to start spouting more compliments-slash-confessions, but the tiredness etched on Taehyun's face stops him.
"Hyung, can I sleep on your lap?" Taehyun asks wearily.
Soobin nods without hesitation, and Taehyun curls up on the couch, resting his head on Soobin's thighs like he's done so many times before. He's out in seconds, chest expanding and receding gently with each sleepy breath.
Soobin's heart hammers against his ribs as looks down at the boy in his lap, his dark brown hair tickling Soobin's arms. He traces the curve of Taehyun's nose with his eyes, then stares at Taehyun's parted lips for a little too long.
It doesn't matter if Taehyun doesn't like Soobin back, as long as Soobin can still have moments like this.
His chest feels impossibly warm.