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It was quiet that night. The ED that’s usually bustling with patients, doctors, interns, nurses running around and loud alarms of machines, was at a stand-still silence. A silence of respect filled with loss, with pain. One of their own had succumbed to Death’s tune; one that most knew danced to the melody but never expected to actually follow the steps off stage. No one expected to be lined up along the corridor and ED, watching their nightshift attending who was barely holding it together walk beside the gurney that held the once-was Chief of Emergency Medicine, followed by the removal technicians and paramedics.
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Jack had this feeling of dread sitting on his chest like a weight ever since shift change happened three hours ago. He couldn’t get the conversation he had with Robby out of his mind, despite trying to focus on running the Pitt during the night shift. “Riding my motorcycle is my form of therapy, Jack. I’ll be fine.” the man had told him with that smile that never truly met his eyes. Jack remembered shaking his head, saying “You and the damn bike. Just be careful and call me when you get home” before giving him the usual hug. Yet it felt different that time, the way Robby’s grip tightened slightly on his scrubs, the way they held onto each other a moment longer than normal. “I love you, Jack. You know that right?” Robby had whispered into his ear. Jack didn't understand the significance then. “Of course. I love you too, brother.”
That conversation was two and a half hours ago, and Jack had received nothing from Robby since then. He assumed during the first half hour that the man got held up somewhere, maybe grabbed a bite to eat or took a shower first. Robby only lived across the bridge, not too far from the PTMC. Half an hour turned into one hour, then two hours, and now the present. Jack had begun the texts at the two-hour mark, all unread. Then the unanswered calls. The nightshift attending’s concern grew with each voicemail, and even despite his best to keep composure, the others in the Pitt were questioning him. Of course, he dismissed their concerns, knowing they were well-intentioned.
It was when the three-hour mark struck; the storm finally erupted. Flashing red and white lights illuminated the ambulance bay, Paramedics rushing into the ED. One of them was on top of the patient, frantically doing chest compressions while another was manually oxygenating the current John Doe. Jack was at the nurses’ station at that time, and with usual professionalism rushed over to begin the usual procedures. Though as he made it to the gurney and was about to speak, he froze. The whole world seemed to stop at that moment. The ‘John Doe’ was Robby. His Robby. Intubated, hardly having a pulse, close to unrecognizable due to the lacerations and blood. The only way Jack knew was the golden Star of David around the man’s neck that still shined in the harsh fluorescent lights. Like a mockery.
“....motorcycle accident....multiple skull fractures....possible hemorrhaging...multiple lacerations....internal organ damage possible....had to intubate on the field....” Jack barely heard a word from the paramedic as he followed the gurney into one of the trauma rooms. All his mind was on was Robby bleeding out on this hospital bed. He barely remembered calling Shen or Handzo for help, but they were with him along with a few others. Jack was frantic; the usually composed veteran doctor reduced to a panicked mess as he ordered different medications to be administered, for intubation to continue, chest compressions, suturing, whatever anyone could do to keep Robby alive. He wasn’t about to let the man die on him like this. He wasn’t going to allow it. Robby was the pillar of the Pitt, and without him the place would crumble. Jack knew this and had tried to make him see how important he was to everyone, to him. As he worked, he felt in part responsible for this predicament. Maybe if he had asked Robby to stay a bit longer during shift change, maybe if he had pressured Robby to wear the damn helmet, maybe if he had called him sooner, maybe if....
Jack would be dragged out of his thoughts when he heard the loud blaring of the heart monitor. Robby was going into V-Fib. “Shit shit shit..Goddammit!!!” He cursed out loud as he took over chest compressions. “Somebody get the fucking crash cart!!!” He shouted, doing the harsh yet steady beats. A nurse drug in the cart, Shen grabbing the paddles and charging the defibrillator. After the first round of compressions, Jack shouted “Clear!”, moving back and letting Shen shock. They all waited a beat, and nothing. Jack would then go back, the process repeating itself. Jack’s arms burned from the exertion, but he didn’t care. He didn’t even notice when Shen stopped with the shocks, or that the death note of the heart monitor continued to sound. He couldn’t let this happen...not to Robby. “Jack..Jack.” Handzo’s voice said softly, managing to gently pull the veteran back and stop himself. “Jack, He’s gone....” Jack looked at the nightshift charge nurse, finally feeling his own tears on his cheeks. He looked back at the bed, finally hearing the monitor. He failed Robby.
“Time of death....23:45...”
Jack sat in that room for another full hour in silence. They had already unplugged the machines; the only thing left being the intubation tube. He stared at the cold body of his best friend, someone who held his heart in his hands and never got the chance to know. His face was void of any emotion, unable to show the storm of emotions that swirled violently in his chest. He couldn’t, needing to be strong for the rest of the ED who were overwhelmed with grief at the loss of their chief attending. The only sign of grief on Jack was the way his grip was tight around Robby’s Star of David necklace. He took it off the man shortly after calling the time of death and hadn’t let go of it since. He didn’t move or speak to anyone until he heard Shen’s voice. “The removal guys and the paramedics are here to...ya know...” Shen said quietly, causing Jack to just nod and stand as the men and women entered and unlocked the wheels. Jack walked out of the room first, only to stop in his tracks.
The whole ED was standing along the wall and across, making a pathway from the room to the ambulance bay doors. This was Robby’s walk of honor. Jack saw all their faces, filled with grief and sorrow. But what surprised him the most was the fact that everyone was there. Obviously, night shift folks were there, but as well as the day shift residents, nurses, and interns. Even long-time patients that had known Robby were standing along with them. Still, Jack didn’t break. Not completely.
He waited for the paramedics to wheel out the gurney, waiting until Robby was beside him before he placed a hand on the rail and began to walk alongside, the Star of David still in his grip. He saw in his peripheral vision everyone’s tears. Whitaker’s silent ones, Mel and Santos’s bawls, Langdon’s close to falling ones, the patients’ griefs. Though, he kept his gaze down at Robby, his own tears threatening to spill but dared not to. Not when he had to be the tough one for everyone else. Even when his own heart was shattering into pieces. Jack forced himself to let go of the rail just before the ambulance bay doors, his mind screaming at him not to since it meant letting go of Robby, and he couldn’t let go of him.
It was only when he watched Robby’s body finally go through those doors and he felt Dana’s arms wrap around him did the dam finally break. Jack’s knees buckled and he dropped to the tiles, Dana going down with him as he screamed and cried in agony. Hot tears poured out of the veteran’s eyes; his grip around the gold necklace white-knuckle tight. “I know hun...I know I’m so sorry...” Dana’s voice cracked with her own sobs, holding onto Jack as tight as she could. Jack couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Just roughly five and a half hours ago Robby was smiling, laughing, and hugging him. How could this have happened? “I failed him....I fucking failed him...I...” “You did everything you goddamn could...” Dana quickly silenced him, causing the wrecked man to look up, blue eyes filled with tears and pain. “I never...I never even got to tell...tell him that I...” He couldn’t even get the words out before breaking into another sob, the daytime charge nurse pulling him close again and rubbing soothing circles onto his back.
“He knew, Jack....I know he did...”