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March 2014: All Star’s Weekend
Shane is a good babysitter.
Hayden had been invited to All Stars this year, his first time, and had decided to bring his entire family. True, he mostly only got here because organising an All Star’s weekend in an Olympics year is both stupid and unnecessary, and Drapeau said he’d rather die than see Hunter again outside the ice, but it’s still an achievement, and Shane is proud of him.
The twins are finally old enough to be left mostly unattended, but only mostly, so Shane has effectively taken charge of Jade and Ruby whilst Hayden and Jackie do… whatever it is people do with young children.
Shane doesn’t like to think about bodily fluids, but he does know how to look after two little girls: don’t let them talk to strangers, or fall in the pool. No one here is a stranger, so all he has to do is stand guard. And he can do that just as easily from within the pool as outside of it, so really, maybe he’s just swimming.
Jade and Ruby are clambering up on a sunbed, and Shane swims slowly over to make sure they’re not in any danger. They’re staring at Scott Hunter, who is on the neighbouring sunbed in board shorts, sipping a cocktail, looking very relaxed. Scott is trying to ignore them with the patience of a man who doesn’t understand children and doesn’t want to.
“You’re sad,” Ruby says.
Scott looks up, confused. “What?”
“Why are you sad?” Jade asks.
Scott chokes up a little. Oh God.
“Hey kids, maybe we want to leave Mr Hunter alone?” Shane asks.
“Mr Hunter?” Ruby says. “Dad says Mr Hunter is sad!”
She says it with the absolute certainty of a little girl who has just had her suspicions confirmed by the centre of her world, and Shane cringes. They’ve latched on, now. All he can do is watch.
“I’m not sad!” Scott says.
“Daddy says you shouldn’t lie,” Jade says.
Scott turns desperate eyes on Shane, but… he’s still smarting over that silver medal, so he just smiles. Scott looks around, and seems to realise he has no allies here: he’s the only member of Team USA on the pool deck with a bunch of irked Canadians and Finns (and one very angry Italian, in Marlow). Scott’s a popular guy, but right now, all that gets him is being politely ignored as someone else’s kid decides to bully him.
“I’m not lying,” Scott says. “I’m not!”
“Liar,” Ruby says.
“Liar, liar, liar,” Jade says, chanting it.
Ruby joins in. Then Shane. Then someone else picks it up, and finally, Scott seems to give up.
“Alright!” he says. “I’m lying! I’m very, very sad! Please leave me to be sad alone.”
“Mommy says not to let sad people be alone,” Jade says.
Scott sighs, sweeps his legs off the sunbed, and closes his book. The cover says something about Ted Bundy, because Scott is a strange man.
Jade and Ruby follow him. Scott stops, turns, and changes direction, but they continue to follow, like ducklings.
“Shane, please,” Scott says.
“I’m good,” Shane says back. He lazily backstrokes towards them. “You might as well go back to the chair, you’re not getting rid of them.”
Scott sighs, but he follows Shane’s benevolent advice. It seems Shane can’t help being nice, even when he’s trying hard to be mean.
“Are you sad because you don’t have a family?” Ruby asks.
Oof. That one stings Shane, a little. Scott doesn’t react outwardly.
“Yes,” Scott says. “That’s why. And I understand your mommy told you not to leave sad people alone, but didn’t she also tell you not to speak to strangers?”
“You’re not a stranger!” Jade says. “You’re Uncle Shane’s friend!”
“Am I?” Scott asks, shooting dark eyes at Shane.
“Who could say,” Shane says.
Hayden is heading back, and Shane’s babysitting duties are over. Good thing. This stuff is exhausting.
“Pike, please get your kids away from me,” Scott says. “They won’t leave me alone.”
Hayden glares.
“Daddy, did you know Mr Hunter is sad because he doesn’t have a family?” Jade says.
Hayden’s glare instantly recedes, to be replaced with the guiltiest look Shane has ever seen on him.
“Uh, girls, why don’t you leave Mr Hunter alone?” Hayden says. “He’s very busy.”
“Doesn’t look busy,” Ruby tells them.
“Why doesn’t Mr Hunter have a wife?” Jade asks.
“Who are your friends?” Ruby asks Scott.
“Why are you alone?” Jade asks.
Scott rises and storms off so quickly that the twins’ little legs have no chance of catching up with him. Hayden corrals them both with an expert air.
“That was fucked up,” Marlow says. “Do it again.”
“No swearing in front of my kid!” Hayden barks. “Ruby, Jade, darlings, why don’t we go find mommy?”
The girls nod.
Hayden glares at Shane.
“I didn’t do anything!” Shane says.
“You were supposed to be minding them,” Hayden says. “And now you’re going to help me A-P-O-L-O-G-I-S-E.”
“Why are we censoring apologise?” Shane asks.
At the word, both Ruby and Jade say “Couch daddy, couch daddy!”
“Whipped!” Marlow shouts.
“I am going to K-I-L-L that man,” Hayden says. “Come on, Shane.”
“Fine,” Shane complains.
*
“Are we sure this is his?” Shane asks.
“Yeah,” Hayden says. “JJ told me they always stick Hunter next to the guy most likely to cause a scandal, it’s like they think his boring is contagious. Rozanov’s not here, so this year, it’s Lemaire.”
Shane nods. “Alright, let’s go.”
They knock twice. Silence.
“Scott?” Shane asks. “It’s Hayden and I! We just wanted to say sorry!”
Continued silence. It takes on a judgemental air.
“Come on, bud!” Shane says. “Don’t be like that! It’s not so bad!”
“You have loads to live for!” Hayden says.
Shane looks at him, horrified.
“Hey, you heard the twins! They were cruel!” Hayden insists.
The door creeks open. Scott doesn’t show his face.
“Apology accepted,” Scott says, shutting the door slowly on them.
Hayden sticks a hand in and throws it open.
“Shit, Scott, are you crying?” Shane asks.
“Hah!” Lemaire shouts from the next room. “Little bitch!”
Scott glares at Shane with pure hatred. From his sad, teary eyes. Oops.
“Let’s just all have a nice chat, huh?” Hayden asks, guiding Scott forward with both hands. “You alright, bud?”
Scott slumps face-first onto the bed. His legs are still firmly on the floor, though, so he just looks kind of gangly and uncomfortable.
“Okay,” Hayden says. “Shane, you’re up.”
“There are kids in Africa who don’t even have food,” Shane says.
Hayden facepalms, but that one worked great on Shane when he was a kid!
“I wish I was those kids,” Scott says into the mattress.
He’s not crying now, at least.
“It’s not so bad!” Hayden says. “The sun will come up tomorrow?”
It’s exactly the wrong thing to say, clearly, because Scott just starts sobbing.
“Oh fuck,” Hayden says. “We need backup.”
“You know, it would have made way more sense to just leave me with the kids and bring Jackie,” Shane says.
“Too late!” Hayden says. “Uh, Scott, buddy, how about you tell Shane what’s up, and I’ll go get you something to eat?”
“You’re not leaving me with him!” Shane says.
“I’m not going far!” Hayden says. “I’m just gonna call room service for something small. Maybe a smoothie?”
Scott sobs even harder.
“Okay, what the fuck did I say wrong there?” Hayden asks. “Are you afraid of room service? Are you allergic to smoothies?”
“Stop saying it,” Scott begs. “Please.”
“Stop saying what, huh?” Hayden asks. “Smoothie? Smoothie. Smoothie smoothie smooth—”
“HAYDEN!” Shane interrupts. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Scott’s sobbing is receding, at least. Reverse-psychology?
“Why are you here?” Scott asks. “Haven’t I suffered enough?”
“Come on, bud!” Hayden says, clearly feeling guilty still. “We just want to make sure you’re okay!”
“My parents are dead, I have no friends, and the only person I’ve ever loved can never be with me, no matter how hard we try,” Scott says. “And it’s so fucking obvious that a kid can see it. No, I’m not okay.”
“You have at least three friends!” Hayden says. “Five if you count us!”
“I don’t,” Scott says. “Please leave.”
“You’ve got no leverage here, Scott,” Shane says. “We kind of have to stay until we stop feeling guilty, and you just admitted you don’t have anyone who can take our place.”
“Also, you’re kind of our captain for the weekend,” Hayden says.
“I’m not going,” Scott says. “They can play without me.”
“Uh, I’m pretty sure you’ll get suspended for that,” Shane says.
Scott finally looks up from the bed. He looks even more pitiful than before, with the bonus of one of his hairs having got caught in his eye.
“Of course,” Scott says. “Mr Shane Hollander wouldn’t survive a suspension. The only reason he hasn’t fucked a hockey puck is because carving a hole in it would be blasphemy.”
Hayden laughs a little. Shane is going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s anxiety. Honestly, is Scott really that straight? Obviously the best way to fuck a hockey puck would be to shove it up—
“And you!” Scott says, turning on Hayden. “You know that little round thing they gave you in your high school sex ed classes, after nosing for twenty minutes to find one labelled extra extra small? That’s a fucking condom, Pike. Learn to use it!”
“The size shaming was a bit unnecessary,” Shane says. “We already know Hayden’s afraid of condoms.”
“When you criticise him for size shaming, it makes him think I really do need an extra extra small one, Shane,” Hayden says. “But thanks for the support, I guess.”
“You’re welcome!” Shane says sunnily. “Now what’s this about the person you loved never being able to be with you? Are you in a romance novel?”
“Are we the side characters in your romance novel?” Hayden asks. “Are you going to, like, use All Star’s to romantically fix everything wrong on TV, and then sail off into the sunset with Mrs Hunter?”
Scott just deflates.
“If you insist on helping, can I at least get a hug?” Scott asks, hopeful, already reaching out his hands.
Hayden’s eyes widen. “Yeah, no. Shane?”
“Absolutely not,” Shane says. “I can get you a car? Maybe even a house. But I don’t hug.”
“You both suck so fucking much,” Scott says, but he seems a little less sad, at least?
“So what’s the smoothie connection?” Shane asks.
Nope, he’s crying again.
“Shane, what the fuck?” Hayden asks.
“I’m still not really sure why I’m here, but you’re supposed to keep crying until you’re not sad anymore, right?” Shane says.
He fetches a pillow from the bed, hands it to Scott for him to cry on. Scott clutches it tight, like he’s hugging it.
“Oh fucking hell,” Hayden says. “Fine, Scott, you can cry on my shoulder.”
Scott tosses the pillow, grabs on tight to Hayden, and goes to town. Shane stares at him.
“I’m gonna go get Jackie,” Shane says.
“Yes, please!” Hayden says.
*
Shane hasn't even reached the elevator on Scott's floor when it opens to reveal Jackie.
“Where are the kids?” Shane asks, vaguely concerned.
“With Jen,” Jackie says.
“Who’s Jen?” Shane says.
“Davids’ wife of ten years, Jen?” Jackie asks. “He was on your team until last year, how do you not remember that?”
“Non-essential information?” Shane guesses. “Anyway, I’m going to go—”
“Nope,” Jackie says, pulling Shane along. “If anyone finds out Hayden and I were alone in Scott Hunter’s hotel room, they’re gonna start a rumour, and I am not dealing with that today.”
“Aw man,” Shane says. “I wanted to get a smoothie. Don’t say smoothie in there, by the way, it makes Scott cry for some reason.”
“Heh!” Lemaire shouts again. “Little bitch!”
“Shut the fuck up, Lemaire!” Shane shouts back. “God, why couldn’t Ruby and Jade have made him cry instead. I could have bought them cake.”
“At least nobody will believe Lemaire if he talks about this later,” Jackie says.
When they get in, Scott is still sobbing, and Hayden is rocking him in the most unenthusiastic fashion possible. You’d think he doesn’t have four fucking kids…
“Hey, sweetheart!” Jackie says.
“Hi!” Hayden says.
“Not you,” Jackie says.
She pulls Scott gently away from Hayden, and wipes his eyes with a tissue she appears to have magically summoned from her purse.
“Are you okay?” Jackie asks.
Not going to work, Shane can already—
“No!” Scott sobs. “Why am I so lonely?”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Jackie says. “Things just seem a little rough right now, but they’ll get better, I swear! Look at you. Big strong guy. Still got all your teeth!”
Scott laughs wetly.
“She’s saying the exact same thing we did!” Shane hisses to Hayden. “Why does it work for her and not us?”
“Feminine wiles?” Hayden hisses back.
“What’s wrong?” Jackie says.
Scott looks at Hayden and Shane.
“I won’t tell them a word, I swear,” Jackie promises.
Scott leans forward and whispers in her ear. A lot. Like, for a solid two minutes. By the end of it, they’re both crying.
“Oh honey,” Jackie says, pulling him into a tight hug. “That sucks, I’m so sorry. Have you told anyone?”
“Just you,” Scott says. “It just seems so hopeless.”
“Don’t say that!” Jackie says. “There’s a middle ground here, I know it!”
“What middle ground?” Scott moans.
Jackie turns to Hayden and Shane. “I need you two to leave.”
“You want me to leave you alone in a room with Scott Hunter?” Hayden asks.
“Do you not trust me, Hayden Christopher Pike?” Jackie asks.
“I don’t trust him!” Hayden says, pointing at Scott.
The miserable, bawling noodle man who looks like he last had a good meal in the Victorian era. Unless Jackie has dacryphilia, he’s pretty sure the Pike marriage is safe.
“Yeah, I don’t think he’s pulling the moves on your girl,” Shane says. “Come on, out we get.”
Hayden grumbles, but he complies, and the two of them stand guard at the door.
“You know, none of this would have happened if you weren’t such a shit babysitter,” Hayden says.
“None of this would have happened if you didn’t gossip about how sad Mr Hunter is in front of your kids!” Shane says.
“How was I supposed to know they’d remember it?” Hayden asks. “Ruby still forgets how much she hates carrots every time she sees one!”
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Shane asks.
“Some romance novel bullshit,” Hayden says. “Or maybe she’s telling him to see a therapist, I don’t know.”
“Do you see a therapist?” Shane asks.
“Not yet, but give it a few years, and Jackie will get me there,” Hayden says. “She’s scary convincing.”
The door they’ve both been stupidly leaning on opens behind them. Shane fixes his centre of gravity. Hayden doesn’t, and topples backwards.
“Fuck,” Hayden says, from where he’s swooned into Scott’s arms. “Swooning into the same arms of the man who cuckolded me.”
“Hah!” Lemaire shouts. “Cuck!”
“It was lovely to meet you, Jackie,” says a now thankfully tear-free Scott. “And I won’t hold your children’s words against them or you. It’s not your fault you’re basically a single mother, with this idiot as your partner.”
“Now he’s insulting me, too?” Hayden asks.
“Goodbye forever, Pike,” Scott says.
Shane doesn’t get a goodbye. Considering how the day has gone, he’ll take that as a positive.
“So?” Hayden says. “What did he tell you?”
“I’m not saying a word,” Jackie says.
“I’m your husband!” Hayden says.
“And you have less emotional intelligence than Oscar the Grouch,” Jackie says. “The sun will come up tomorrow? Are you a missionary?”
“No, that’s just how he has sex,” Shane says instinctively. Then balks. “Uh…”
“I’m sorry we can’t all be as exciting as you and the hockey puck, Shane,” Jackie says.
*
Two Weeks Later
“Why the fuck is that the one he went with?” Hayden asks, as he reads the article: HUNTER CUCKOLDS PIKE? EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MLH ALL STAR.
“Probably because it’s the most believable,” Shane says. “It’s fine, no one reads TMZ.” He checks his phone. “Or the Daily Mail. Or the New York Post.”
“It says he took forty-five minutes!” Hayden says. “Why is Lemaire making him sound like a sex-god?”
JJ chooses that moment to walk in, and shoots them the queerest look.
“You really should have gone to All Stars this year, man,” Shane says. “It was… wild.”