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It’s been exactly three weeks since Jinu sacrificed himself. She doesn’t want to keep going. Jinu’s sacrifice haunts her to the point she doesn’t want to go on. He had wanted to live, she hadn't. Yet here they were, Rumi trying to push through her grief, alive and breathing, and Jinu unable to help her through it, gone from this world faster than she could do anything to change it. He had sacrificed himself for her though, and as much as she wanted her pain to end, she couldn’t make his sacrifice be in vain.
She tries not to replay the scene in her head, and she does decently most of the time, but she dreaded sleep. Once she’s alone in her bed, closing her eyes, she watches herself losing him over and over. So many what ifs she tries to push down, knowing there is nothing she can do now. She can’t change what happened no matter how many times she thinks of ways maybe she could have possibly saved him. Yet every scene that she tries to change, every possible idea she thinks could have changed something ends in her watching him die again. She wonders if it was always doomed, or if her mind is only tormenting her.
She had stopped crying after the first week, the pain burrowing under her skin to the point she couldn’t let it out if she tried. She doesn’t share her pain with Mira and Zoey despite her knowing how worried they are. She just feels the loss of him like a layer under her skin, heavy and dragging her down. She feels like she moves slower, choreo even harder to hit than before, but she pushes herself. She tries to cover her pain with work, running the choreo until it’s perfect, until it’s muscle memory and she can lose herself to the music, but that aching pain throughout her entire body never seems to fade. Like a weighted blanket that's just a little too heavy to the point that she feels she might drown under the pressure. She won’t let herself though, as much as she’d like for all her pain to disappear, his sacrifice, as much as she hates it, means too much for her to give up.
As the scene replays in her mind, keeping her from falling into a hopefully deep sleep. She hears a tapping on her window, the sound drags her out of her mind, making her look towards the noise, she sees Sussie tapping on the window. Rumi is out of her bed so fast she gets a little dizzy. Once her eyes go back into focus, she sees Derpy playing with the same potted plant as the first time. She thinks she might be hallucinating but when she opens the glass door, Sussie pecks at her bare foot, hurting her just a little. That isn’t enough to prove to her they are really there though. She walks over to Derpy, running her fingers through his fur, she can feel the heat coming off of him.
“How are you here?” Rumi whispers, despite knowing they can’t respond even if they wanted to. Derpy just looks up at her with a dopey grin and licks her hand. She can’t help the small breathy laugh that comes out of her mouth. Probably her first real laugh since he’s been gone. The others just her trying to play her part.
“I missed your laugh.” She hears from behind her, her head whipping towards the voice, even though she knows who it belongs to. He’s dead, it’s not possible. Yet there Jinu is, standing too close but too far from her. She can’t feel herself breathe, the breath stuck in her throat so painfully she starts to get lightheaded. The dizziness is about to take over before Jinu steadies her, he wraps an arm around her to keep her from falling, easing her to the closest thing to sit on nearby. She can feel his skin against hers, indicating that he is real. She tries to breathe on her own, but now that she’s sitting, she can’t help but hyperventilate, trying to breathe but it’s too shallow to do her any good. Suddenly he’s on his knees in front of her, taking her hands in his, and starts guiding her breaths. She can’t really hear him over the rushing sound in her head, but she watches his exaggerated breaths, copying him and with the feel of his hands holding hers, her breathing starts to even out. Her head starts to clear, and all she can see is the worry on his face. The first thing she says is a breathy,
“I’m sorry.” He gives her a confused and concerned head tilt before asking,
“For what?”
“I couldn’t save you.” A tear runs down her cheek, and Jinu catches it with his thumb.
“I had to save you.”
“But then you were gone, you were just gone, and I had to live knowing it was my fault.” Her breathing starts getting faster again, he starts exaggerating his breaths again for her to follow.
“I’m here now?” Jinu attempts, and she huffs out a laugh, before realizing he really is here.
“How is that possible? I watched you die.”
“I’ll tell you in the morning. I’m sorry it’s so late, I just couldn’t wait until I could see you again. Get some rest, I can come back in the morning. You need sleep.” She grips his hands so tightly it must hurt,
“Don’t. Don't leave me again.” She knows she must sound so utterly pathetic but what if he leaves and he never comes back, what if she gets him back just to lose him again?
He stands up quickly, and she’s about to start crying when he pulls her into his arms, wrapping them around her. She quickly does the same, pulling him tight against her. She can feel his heartbeat from where her face is buried in his neck. She takes deep breaths, every breath she takes makes her feel a little lighter.
He holds her for what feels like too short of time before he says,
“You really do need sleep.” She thinks he might attempt to leave again, about to panic, but he just adjusts her so he’s holding her hand and pulling her towards her bed. She starts to blush before realizing he plans to lay on the floor. She sits on the bed, looking down at where he’s decided to sit, still holding her hand and can’t help but softly laugh at the sight. He quirks his head, with a confused but amused smile. She asks him,
“You’d lay on the floor for me?”
“For you? Anything.” He looks at her so softly it hurts, and before she can even think about it she's pulling him up and into her bed. He makes a surprised noise, but doesn’t fight against it.
“Are you sure?” He asks her gently, and she nods, saying,
“Certain.” Before maneuvering herself so she’s resting on his chest, he wraps his arm around her waist tightly as she does the same. He kisses her forehead and says,
“I’m not going anywhere.” She closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath and grumbles happily against his chest. She can tell he’s smiling, but she knows he can tell she’s doing the same.