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Late, late into the night, you stumble into the clocktower bathroom, unnoticed by your party (who you aren't sure is actually sleeping). You grab at the sink of the bathroom as you struggle not to have a stupid panic attack.
You don't know why you're freaking out. Was it a dream, were you overthinking into a spiral? Who knows?! WHO CARES??
This isn't about you. This isn't about you. Because you aren't the one going through a BLINDING TIME LOOP?!
You’re. Your friends are hurting. Struggling. Dying over and over. Apparently, you all already beat the king! Apparently, they already know how to get through the house! Apparently your first death was YOU DYING TO A BLINDING ROCK TRAP IN THE FIRST FEW ROOMS?!
Apparently, you failed. You’ve failed at your job 100 times and don't even remember it.
They. Don't need you.
They do not need you.
They beat the king, and all you've ever done is get yourself killed isn't it?! In front of them? In front of Bonnie?!
Apparently all they ever needed to beat the king is something called a carot method and a bunch of stupid shield shenanigans you can't ever hope to understand. and you never will! Because likely in two days or less you'll forget all that has happened and maybe your friends won't TELL YOU next time because really what is the point?
How many times did you die and it scared your team, and made them loop back and have to do everything again?
How many times did Bonnie have to watch everyone die to the king?
How many times did everyone get frozen in time from a mistake that could have been avoided if you can just remember. Just remember. Just remember.
What good can you do? When all your allies have probably surpassed you in skill level, and-
You are dead weight. They. They just pity you and your horrible memory.
You want to laugh. You want to laugh so much it hurts. But you have allies that may or may not be sleeping in the next room. So you can't. You are already a mistake.
You are useless. Useless useless UNNEEDED UNWANTED DISGUSTING-
Breath in…
Choke on it
Breath out….
shudder
Breathe in…
cant-
Breathe out..
You force yourself to breathe through your spiral, refusing to wake up anyone.
It takes so long to get your stupid lungs to work. Which you don't understand! It's not like you are remembering the loops. It's not like you are the one that will have to watch you trip and fumble over your own feet over and over and over-
You wipe your tears. Looking up at the mirror.
There's no light in here, you couldn't be bothered to get it on. You can barely see your fragile, pathetic face.
How many times have you been in this bathroom? In past loops?
Normally, you’d immediately stop thinking about it…but now you can't stop thinking.
Is that the reason nobody is getting up to try and comfort you? You are half sure at least someone is awake this late. You know you would. You are.
Are they all sick of you?
…What a stupid question. Of course they are all done with you.
Then. There. You realize. Theres. Nothing you can do.
You can't remember old loops. They can't just spend their entire time reminding you of the past 100 loops.
You just wish that you can help your friends, be of any use to them.
You just wish you could remember. Anything. Anything at all. For once in your life.
You wish to be useful If it means they can be okay.
Theres movement at the very top of your eyes, and you jolt out of the sink bowl as the mirror starts cracking under the pressure of a sweet scent you don't know. That you can't know.
and…
you grab at a dagger you didn't bring with you.
Because.
Because that's not your reflection.
It's all blurry but you know that's not YOUR reflection.
It looks like your silhouette, but with a different hat that's not your hat. You can't make out its facial features because it's dark and there's cracks in the mirror. But you can tell its eye is the wrong shade.
Its eye is so wrong.
“W-What…?” You mumble to yourself, and your reflection startles. You can that eye land on you.
“…Oh that's not good.” It responds. In your voice.
You feel yourself. Go. Cold.
You stop crying. Stop breathing.
“…You…dont look good.” It speaks again, and you realize that haha, no! that's NOT your voice. “You…need to self reflect?”
It sounds….older?
Wait. That was a pun.
Despite everything, a smile finds its way onto your mouth. “huh?”
“There we go.” Your reflection chuckles. “Um…stars, Siffrin, he/they, right?”
You lose your smile.
“Yeah. That's…me.” You reply.
HAHAHA! WHAT'S HAPPENING?
“Alright…whats…happening?” Your reflection asks you, that eye watching you. Like you know. Like you know anything that's going on.
“Thats a good question.” You say. You can't force your voice above a whisper. Because even now you can't admit it you have no idea. “Who are you?” You try instead.
“…Im….stardust. You. You can call me stardust, He/They.” Your reflection replies.
Okay. That's.
You were really ready for it to say Siffrin. That…makes you at least feel a bit better.
You.
Think of nothing. Because you don't ever think.
“So…Stadust, why do you…sound like me?” you force yourself to look at that shade again.
“I think…I am you. In a way.”
“Were…you once me?”
“I was. Some years ago..” Stardust replies. “Right now, im in Mwudu, Where…are you?”
“Dormont.”
Stardust perks in recognition, their face is still all blurry but that eye. “The king, Timeloop?”
You flinch.
You feel like you want to vomit.
….
“not me.” you whisper.
“What?” There is shock and confusion in his voice. Have they been in a timeloop?
“My friends. Theyre…theyve been trapped for over 100 loops.They dont know why its even happening, it doesn't end when we beat the king, and I remember nothing. I can't help them. I can't save them. I can't even save myself. I'm constantly dying and-“
“Deep breath”
“wha?” You look at your reflection, you don't know when you looked away.
“Deep breath in.” Stardust commands.
You inhale.
“Deep breath out.”
You exhale.
“I can barely imagine what that must feel like” Stardust’s shoulders go slack. “To be stuck as an observer in a timeloop, unable to help the people that matter most to you. If you're me, and I know myself, I’d want to be able to help as much as possible. Which I can help you do.”
“You…can?” you ask. “Why?”
“Well, your me. Who else would you want to help you, if not yourself?” Stardust shrugs like its second nature. Like none of this is straight out of a story.
Like they know you will agree with them.
“…So. You know about timeloops?” You try not to think about it.
“Yeah. Time Loops….those..stars i havent thought of those in a while, but they are ██████ ██ ██████████ █ ███████ █████ ████ ███ █████████ ███████ ██████ ███ ███ ████ █████, does that make sense?”
You blink.
“You said….absolutely nothing.” You barely manage to croak out.
“Oh. That's not good.” Stardust mutters. You tense.
“Whats not good? What's happening?”
“Well, ██████████, you know?” They say.
“You…didnt say anything.” You mumble. “I'm just- what is going on?”
“Alright..it…seems that whatever is letting us talk to each other is not letting me share things that I…..and you don't." They laugh. “Which is…. bad!”
They trailed off there.
You. Can fill in the blanks yourself, but why would they trail off like that?
You don't ask. Coward.
“So…you can't help.” your shoulders drop. Stardust shakes their head, then pauses.
“…let me think.” Stardust mutters, and you can't see that wrong shade anymore. They've closed their eyes.
You kinda wish you could see their face properly. It feels like they can see yours fine.
You…sit in silence for a moment. It occurs to you how absurd this all is.
You are asking a different version of yourself to help you, because you cannot help your friends because you are so pathetic and stupid and-
“Well, I guess…I don't need to help you directly.” Stardust concludes, “You already know everything you need to know”
The first thing that comes to your mind is ‘what’? Which. You don't say. Because that's all youve been saying.
“You're me, yeah? Traveller from nowhere but all over?” Stardust hums.
“…Thats…one way to put it.” You dont like this tooic. You knkw where its going.
“where are you from?”
There it is.
“…im..from….” You don't know. You can't know. You want to run. You want to run. You want-
“Cant remember either?” Stardust stops you before you’ve done anything stupid.
You stupidly remind yourself that Stardust is you, so they already know.
You grab the coin in your pocket.
“….I cant.”
“That’s exactly it.”
You don't like feeling seen, you decide.
“How? how is not being able to remember words, events, places, my own name, and my entire home “exactly it?!” You snap, them silence yourself.
You look at the old, creaky door.
…..You hear Bonnie snoring, faintly.
You don't hear anyone getting up, or even on the other side of the door.
“Because, Siffrin…you do remember. You have a great memory actually.” Stardust replies the moment you look back at them. “You can ask Odile, Isabeau, Mirabelle, even Bonnie, and they'll tell you about times where for a moment, you remembered, then immediately forgot.”
…You've never thought about it (you're bad at that, you’ve learned.)
If you say those things, have you truly forgotten it?
“Im…somewhat..aware of that….” you mumble.
“Theres rules to that. When you remember, and when you don't. Once you can master that, you can get your friends out of there.” Stardust looks somewhere you can't see, likely the door of whatever bathroom they are in. Then they look back. “Its not the most ideal, but it'll work”
You.
Can…be useful, if you…simply learned how?
“How will that be maintained between loops, though? Won't it be useless the moment they loop back?” You have to know.
“Leave all that stuff to me. Okay?” Stardust nods. You can see the silhouette of their cloak changing..and…pulling out…something. “This is already gonna be a bit hard.”
That's okay. You. Have to.
“Close your eyes, and think of nothing” Stardust says with confidence.
You hope you don't look like an idiot as you close your eyes.
.
.
.
Now, create a memory of a memory.
what? How are you doing that?!
Craft, obviously! It's really hard to do so let's make this quick.
Alright…Im…making a wha and a huh.
Memory of a memory. Don't think directly about Mirabelle's smile, think of a moment you thought of it instead, then think of it. Don't think too hard about it.
Alright.
…you….do so. with…some difficulty. You remember Mirabelle’s smile, by thinking about her favorite book series.
This is…how you remember her. Passionate.
Now think of Isabeau's laughter. Again, don't think too hard
you anticipate hearing it every time you make a pun. A signature “HA!”
Now, think of Bonnie’s pride.
The way they look at you every time you clean off your plate, you never noticed how eager you are to see it. Their eyes are glimmering.
Now think of Odile’s kindness.
Few and far between, those moments of vulnerability. But you won't trade it for anything. Her smile is soft.
These are your friends. You love them like family. Hold them in your heart like a boat on waves.
Like a boat on waves.
Bobbing up and down.
up and down.
They are like home. You accept this, yes?
Yeah you do.
What else is home? Seasalt? Maybe a musical instrument?
Hah! Yeah. The songs you played on your uncle's big boat, with your brother and your friends and your parents. You were never a singer, but their voices all together were so lovely as you waited for fish to take the bait.
Think of bread now, the smell of home.
You get it. Walking home, at that doorway, and being able to smell the oven before you even pass the threshold.
Think of camping.
You think of your classmates huddled under the stars together, like how you did in summer camp, learning simple repellent crafts to keep bugs away as you learned how to pick out important stars with nothing but your naked eye. Entire constellations, right here.
You don't think too hard about it, because that's right? Right? Are you doing this right?
“You are doing this perfectly, Say it out loud. In a hushed whisper.”
You do so. You dont…think about it.
“Are you aware of what you're saying?”
…no. Should I?
“A little, but be mindful. It's bobbing up and down on your mind, if you reach for it too quickly, it'll sink. Guide with your heart, not your mind. If it hurts, pull away, try at a different angle.”
You…try and..grab onto the stars…slowly.
Ow.
Okay. Maybe not like that.
You remember Isabeau, taking you stargazing earlier. He knew you cared, because hes smart and he knew meant something to you. They do! Because it's your religion, the Universe, and omnipresent being that is everything you think you aren't. It leads, and we follow it. You remember a few constellations, Ursa minor is really important, because it contains Polaris within Little Dipper, which is just a collection of stars called an asterism.
That one was on your test. Ursa minor vs Ursa major. Another important one is the Eye of the Universe. Another asterium that…
….
Wait WHAT?!-
You open your eyes and recoil, grabbing your head. It hurts. It hurts badly-
your nostrils are full of sugar-
“Think of the meadow you woke up in.” Stardust- says- shouts? you can’t
The meadow I woke up in? What about it?! It was a great nap, the grass was long, the view of the sky would've only been better if i woke up at night. What more is there to it?
….What is there…oh you can think again!
“Did…I do it right?”
“Do you remember?”
“I remmeber…Bread, seasalt, Constellations…and camping with my class for a summer…oh…stars.”
[Ring ring ring! Siffrin obtained Memory of Re(d)collection! You will always remember this. Always.]
[When equipped, Upon interaction, siffrin might be able to ████████.]
What in the name of the Universe?
Thats…thats this, right?
When…equipped? Can it be unequipped?
No. No no No you wont let that you WILL NOT LET THAT-
[Siffrin has gained the ability to have two memories equipped at once! Which is good, because Memory of Re(d)collection cannot be unequipped. Ever. You'll need to tear it out of my rotting corpse.]
Oh.
Nevermind.
“Can you hear me?” Stardust asks.
Ah, it seems you spaced out.
“…It worked.” You can barely believe it. You feel it. Something has changed. Changed, even. With a capital C.
“It did!!!”
You laugh, Stardust laughs too. It's a harsher thing, but you can hardly tell it apart.
“Can…I ask a question?” You might be asking for too much, but if they agreed, they are allowing you to be greedy.
“As long as you do me a favor.” Stardust nods “the least you can do.”
Fair enough. You suppose.
“What shade is your eye?” You ask. Then realize what you said “Stars! Not in a rude way or anything-“
“You can see that?” Stardust sounds surprised, you don't know why you wouldn't.
“It's kinda cool and kinda freaky.” you nod.
“…It's a color, and it's called Red.” Stardust replies after a moment
“Color?” It sounds familiar, but you press, and nothing comes up.
…
But something should come up, shouldn't it?
You….look somewhere else.
….you find nothing.
“Ah, you're trying to remember. Aren't you?” Stardust hums. “Maybe..Maybe you can't right now, and that's alright. You just…need someone else to talk about it. Ask Odile about color, maybe?”
Ah. You try to wave off your disappointment.
“Alright.” you nod. “and your favor?”
“My favor…” Stardust mumbles., “Take care of your friends, okay?”
“…What?” You furrow your brow, then cringe. Blind all the stars you said what again.
“They are in a time loop. There's over 100 days you spent with them you don't remember. They’ll be changed, Changed even.” Stardust looks down, you can't see red anymore. “They…need you now more than ever.”
You'll forget by the next loop.
…but…will you forget?
You suddenly aren't so sure.
…They will remember, you guess thats all that matters.
“You also need to look out for yourself” Stardust begs. “Please. Look after yourself. Don't make the same mistakes I did. You'll hurt them instead of helping them.”
…It occurs to you then that Stardust probably had a party of their own.
“You are loved. Even if you don't feel like it. You are loved.” Stardust’s voice trembles “Remember. For both of us, okay?”
“I will.” you say, because there's nothing else for you to do. For you to say.
Stardust looks up at you again. You still can't make out their facial features, but you know they're smiling, so you give a smile back.
It feels real.
“I’d…love to talk more but I think your friends have caught on and I don't know how they'll react so BYE!”
“Wait wha-“
“Sif?” Isabeau’s voice comes from the other side the door.
You blink. And you're staring at your own reflection again.
Isabeau knocks twice, and then opens it with a creak.
That's unlike him. You are suddenly very aware of that. He would've waited for you to give the okay.
Unless he knew exactly what you were doing, or atleast…supposed to be doing. What you’ve done in past loops.
Now, he stares at you in surprise…and the broken mirror.
“Sorry” you say immediately. Very aware that your eye is a bit swollen from your spiral earlier.
“No. No. It's okay Sif…I…can barely imagine what you are going through” Isabeau diverts his gaze for a moment.
Take care of them, take care of yourself.
“Could say the same for you.” You nod. “Its…probably annoying having to tell me every time.”
“Its not-“ Isabeau starts.
“It is” Odile sounds from beyond the doorway. Isabeau flinches and looks at her. Shes still laying down on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
As much as your heart hurts to hear it, you…you are happy she atleast admits it.
“Madame?” Mirabelle squeaks from the bed next to her. Clearly trying to keep quiet for Bonnie.
“It would be nice if Siffrin loops with us.” Odile nods “I wish we didn't have to explain it every time.”
“I mean…I guess…” Isabeau concedes. You gesture for Isabeau to move out the way, and he does so. You make your way back to your bed…and just…sit here for a moment.
“Sorry for…waking you up.” You have a feeling they haven't ever slept, but just to make sure.
“No. We were…already awake” Mirabelle says guilty. You….feel horrible.
They aren't sleeping.
“…Fair enough. Do you..have a plan?” You decide to say instead.
“We did have a plan. However, it changed course.” Odile rises up from her bed, sitting up to properly look at Siffrin.
“Changed course?” You look at her, and suddenly, you are afraid.
She has this…look. You can't describe it. Its…desperate. Critical. Her eyes are slightly too wide to be her “deep thought” look.
You…dont think you’ve ever seen Odile look at you this way before.
“Now, we want to know what that new memory you got does.” Odile says, and suddenly. That makes sense.
You….you’ve likely been in that bathroom many of the times they talked to you about the time loops, and now you walk out with…something called a memory.
“…Ah, that.” you look away and at the floor.
“You broke the mirror…with what?” Isabeau gently presses, coming over to the bed and back into his spot. You can feel the dip in the old mattress.
“I dont…know.” you admit. For all that happened in there you do not know why the mirror cracked. Or any of that happened.
“What do you mean by that?” Odile sounds upset. You dont like that. Fix it. Fix it.
“The mirror broke on its own.” But you don't want to mention Stardust, or what they told you, or anything.
They’ll hate you for it.
Now, there is a very tense silence. Everyone is looking at you like you hit a tripwire.
It’s…never usually this tense, is it?
“….we don't have time for lies, Siffrin.” Odile gives you a look. A look that looks angry. It looks scary and she doesn't trust you and she hates you.
You. Probably lied to her a lot in past loops. Probably. You don't know. Because you can't reme-
okay stop.
…
You don't like this. You don't like the look she's giving you, because you are telling the truth.
“Madame Odile-“ Mirabelle starts
“Did you hear it break?” You interrupt immediately.
“Pardon?” Odiles brows go up in surprise, and you internally wince because that came out more frustrated than you intended.
“Did. You hear it break? Because I didn’t,” Your tone is softer this time.
Odile is just…looking at you. You know she's smart. She can understand what you are trying to say.
“I see.” Odile looks away. “Im sorry.”
“It's alright.” You nod. You know you can be difficult. You don't blame her. Even if that was….weird.
“….So. Memory of Re…d? Recollection?” Isabeau keeps their voice low. “How to do you pronounce that”
Wait. Red?
“Let's just say Recollection.” you nod. “Ignore Red for now.”
You ignore Mirabelle drilling her eyes into the back of your head. You don’t know why and don't want to know why.
You aren't so sure about asking Odile about color right now. Not with that look she gave you.
“Upon interaction? What does that even mean??” Mirabelle wonders. “Does that mean every time something interacts with you, something might” happen?
“We can test tomorrow.” Isabeau relaxes. “Bonnie also has to get filled in.”
“Tomorrow's problem, let's just…try and sleep.” You agree. “You three, please. Try.”
Mirabelle's expression crumbles slightly. “alright.”
You hum, rubbing your face and putting your hat off to the side. Getting settled into bed, Isabeau settles down next to you. You don't look at him.
Instead, your gaze is drawn to the window above the bed where Mirabelle is settling down again with Bonnie. The stars twinkle gently, like they don't know what just happened.
The stars you spent time underneath with Isabeau. When…he told you about the timeloop. Where they watched you completely freak out. Where they watched Isabeau try to both provide honest answers and also keep you calm.
You wonder if he knew you'd react badly, so he took you there instead of the clocktower with everyone else. Maybe intentionally keeping you from Bonnie because you might lash out.
You almost did.
….Wait. He asked you a question earlier, didn't he?
About constellations?
“Ursa Minor.” You say out loud. You see Mirabelle shift slightly, but she doesn't try to make you shut up.
You feel like she should've.
“whuh?” Isabeau startles next to you. “What?”
“You asked me about constellations” You explain. “There's Ursa Minor. Little bear in Vaugardian. It's a famous one.”
“…really?” Isabeau whispers.
“Yeah.” You nod.
“You…know any more?” He sounds afraid to ask.
“mm…probably.” you grumble, you don't want to think anymore. You turn away from the window and stare at the ceiling, then close you eyes. “Too tired.”
“Alright. Sleep tight Sif.”
and you do. Knowing that you might be able to help. Surrounded by your friends and the faint smell of burnt sugar.
…wait…burnt sugar? Isn't that the smell of-
The thought vanishes like gas as you lose consciousness.
—
“M’dame, Mira, you heard that?” You don't dare move once you confirm that Siffrin's fast asleep. Your heart is beating so fast.
You know. You know.
“Little bear is a cute name.” Mirabelle comments. Cleary not getting it.
“I dont understand why you are asking me if i did” Odile huffs “and not sleeping”
“Guys…This loop I brought Siffrin stargazing so i can tell him about the loops without getting overwhelmed again.” you explain, frantically but trying to keep your voice down. “I didn’t ask him about constellations. Atleast, not this loop.”
Nobody says anything for a moment.
“You…sure?” Mirabelle asks.
“Confident.” You know. You know.
“…Thats…” Odile starts.
“Concerning, I know.” You stupidly realize that this wasn't a good idea. “Sorry, sorry it should've waited till morning-“
“No. No, it didn't. It's fine” That's Mirabelle's thinking voice. “In a way, it's actually hope…believe it or not. Siffrin…Siffrin knows something. I think.”
“Hes definitely from that Island.” Odile replies. “But I don't see how that helps.”
“We will see. Tomorrow.” You try to sound more hopeful but tired than you are. You know Odile knows your tricks, but…
….You…arent sure whether or not Siffrin will notice. It sounds like he already did.
You've slowly lost the ability to sleep through the night.
“…Fine.” Odile gives in. “No more talking.”
“No more talking,” Mirabelle agrees.
Normally at this point..maybe…youd make a dumb pun, maybe Mirabelle will say something sweet. Odile will complain about being too old for this.
Nobody has the energy for that. You don't like how you're getting used to this, the tension you are too afraid to break.
You close your eyes, and think of nothing.