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“He was a victim too.” The pain in her voice was ever present. Her beautiful little frame donned those soft floral pajamas, a stark contrast to the anguish that he knew swirled within her.
That was what had been bothering her the most, he knew. The fact that on any other day, without the presence of that treacherous chemical, Martin would have been just another upstanding citizen. It was science, the thing he loved and studied that betrayed him and forced Lucy to do the unthinkable.
“I hear you, okay? But it doesn’t matter.” He replied, his voice rounded with the softness that he saved only for her. When he reached the bed, he sat on the edge and held his hand out to her and despite her sullen face, she let her palm fall into his. “This is gonna sound cold-blooded but in that moment Martin Carpio was a homicidal maniac about to drive a linoleum knife through your chest.”
The bluntness of his words affected even himself and he felt tears burn the corner of his eyes as his gaze fell to where her warm, golden skin peeked out of the top of her cotton shirt. Where her heart beat, where her lungs breathed, where he laid his head after a long day. Where that deranged man almost pierced her perfect skin and took her away from him forever.
“If you hadn’t acted…” He inhaled deeply through his nose, briefly letting that devastating alternate universe take shape in his minds eye.
It was the darkest place he’d ever let himself go, and that was saying a lot considering what he had been through in his life.
Like Lucy, he could not get what life would’ve been like if she hadn’t acted out of his head. While Lucy focused on a world where Martin was still alive, Tim fixated over one where Lucy wasn’t.
The tears that gathered in his eyes became too heavy, his eyelids fluttering as a fat droplet fell from each eye. “I would’ve spent the last couple of weeks picking out a coffin and putting your body in the ground.”
When the words left his mouth, even he was caught off guard. While the thought had over taken his mind, the words hanging heavily in the air made it all feel more real. She looked so young and vulnerable where she sat in her pj’s, the morning light hitting her face just so. It was hard enough to see his sunshine girl have her light dimmed after a traumatic event but to think of that same girl taken from this world in such a violent way made his stomach turn.
The vision of her blurred through his wet eyes but he couldn’t even let himself blink for fear that she would disappear. He reached up his free hand and a silent sob slipped from him as his palm pressed against the warm skin over her heart. “I just can’t stop thinking about your warm body in the cold ground. I-“, he shook his head, his already gruff voice cracked and the emotion squeezing his throat stopped him from continuing.
Lucy had seen Tim get emotional before, even seen tears in his eyes but this was the first time she had seen him like this. Tears streamed steadily down his face as he moved his hand from her chest up to the side of her neck, his thumb stroking the line of her jaw. “I just got you back. If I had lost you before we-“ He hung his head as emotion got the better of him.
“Oh babe”, she soothed as she climbed into his lap, kissing his face. Each one of her legs slotted on either side of his hips, his arms engulfing her as soon as her ass settled into the cradle of his bent leg. He buried his face in her neck and inhaled as much of her as she could, his heart clenching as she invaded his senses. It was Lucy in her purest form, first thing in the morning before any soap or perfume touched her skin.
Her arms were wrapped around his shoulders, her hand stroking the back of his head as they breathed against each other. “You’re supposed to be my wife. We’re gonna make babies.” He murmured, his breath dewy as he buried his face impossibly further into where her shoulder met her neck.
Her stomach dipped and her heart soared at his words. They had talked about kids before and while getting married was never specifically discussed they both knew it was somewhere down the line, especially this time around. But it still gave her butterflies; the thought of creating life with him and that her kids get to have him as a dad.
“I will be.” She reassured, coaxing his face out of her neck with kisses. Her lips brushed against his jaw and cheek, tasting his tears, as she spoke. “It’ll all happen for us, I promise.”
“The children we’d raise, the people you’d help, the joy that just radiates from you.” He continued as his hands pulled her closer, pressing his mouth against hers when it became within reach. “There can’t be a world without you in it. And I know this is complicated for you but for me it’s very simple, you’re alive because you did what you had to do to stay that way.”
Nodding her head in agreement, she brought a hand to each side of his neck as she pulled her face away from his just enough to look at him. “You’re right.” She assuaged, wiping his wet cheeks with her thumbs.
“You saved yourself and you saved our future. Someday I hope you see it was worth it.” Those words struck a chord deep within her. Their future together was priceless and hopefully one day het guilt will give way to gratitude. He cleared his throat, blinking and reining in his emotions. “I’m sorry, I came in here to comfort you and here you are wiping away my tears.”
“Please don’t apologize.” She replied almost emphatically. “Clearly this has been harder for you than you let on.”
“You needed to focus on processing this and moving forward, that’s what was… is important.” He explained, absentmindedly slipping his hands under her night shirt and splaying then along the warm skin of her back.
Nodding, she pressed her lips together thoughtfully as her eyes danced along his face. “It may take a minute but I’ll get there.” She said in a way that sounded like she was trying to convince herself.
Shaking his head, he wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I’m sure this isn’t what you had in mind when you asked me to communicate better.” He gave a self deprecating chuckle.
“This is exactly what I had in mind.” She teased, flashing the smile he loved so much before kissing his face. “And I meant what I said.”
Even though she didn’t elaborate he knew exactly what meant. Becoming emotionally healthier, that’s a turn on… not the opposite. It had rang out in his head for the past couple of months more times than he could count. If he felt his old ways of coping bubbling to the surface he would recall those words and remember the type of man she deserved.
A smirk pulled up the corner of his mouth as he regarded her, just far away from her face to focus on it. “You saying seeing me cry is getting you hot?”
Letting out a breathy chuckle, she settled her full weight in his lap and a quiet groan rumbled at the base of his throat. “Circumstance aside because I never want you to be sad enough to cry but… not ‘no’.”
A bashfulness came over her as she lifted one shoulder in a shrug and adverted her eyes to the side. An unstoppable smile stretched his face. She was at the irresistible intersection of sweet and sexy, he really didn’t stand a chance. “I mean, I’m the one who benefits in the end so who am I to complain.”
Her smile matched his as she pressed kisses against his lips. “It’s mutually beneficial, believe me.”
Catching a glimpse of the bedside clock over her shoulder, he groaned as he reluctantly pulled away from her. “We’ll have to finish this later. We can’t have both sergeants being late for roll call.” She was clinging to him like a little koala and it was wearing at his resolve. “You jump in the shower and I’ll make you coffee in your travel mug.”
“Fine”, she conceded with a sigh, hesitantly detangling herself from his grasp. “But one of those things takes significantly longer than the other so pop in the bathroom when you’re done, maybe you’ll get a sneak peek of tonight.”
She was standing in front of where he still sat on the edge of the bed, holding his handsome face between her hand. “You’re playing dirty, sergeant.” He practically growled, his hands sliding up the back of her thighs and slipping under the hem of her sleep shorts.
“Oh baby, you have no idea.” She teased, leaving him with a searing kiss on his lips before she dashed to the en-suite bathroom. On her tip toes with her wild hair flowing behind her.
Gratitude swelled in his chest, despite the guilt and turmoil that were raging a war inside of her, he knew his sunshine was in there somewhere. And as long as there was hope, they could work through anything together.