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Jude felt like he was on fire. His lungs burned. The cold air was merciless against his skin. His nose was redder than Eli’s most days. His fingers were purple and he could barely feel them. Barely move them. Same with his toes, despite the heavy shoes covering them. It was cold. Extremely cold. It felt like the sun was further than ever that very night, and maybe it was. Ever since their star started dying, the sky had given the illusion that it was running from them instead of just getting smaller.
Everything burned. It seemed impossible—he lived in a freezing, unforgiving world. How could he be hot? He had no phoenix blood on him—he’d always refused to matter how much Eli insisted—and there were no fires. The village wasn’t even in his sight. Neither was the cabin he and his family built around Mara while she slept.
The task was difficult. They couldn’t just leave her there, exposed, but they needed something more stable, more concrete, than a tent. Especially since the seren wouldn’t stop showing up. Something kept Jude and his brother from attacking and killing her, no matter what she did to them. There were multiple times where he almost killed the seren, but Eli always stopped him, having caught something in her expression that he didn’t.
Was it due to his brother’s half-phoenix lineage? Or was Jude himself really just stupid?
His breath came out in short puffs in front of him, frost seeming to have gathered on his eyelashes. Every blink hurt—his eyes were dryer than ever. He wanted to stop and go to sleep right there, body tinged with fatigue, limbs heavy, legs barely able to keep him upright through his tiredness. But he had to keep going. He couldn’t stop. Not for anything. Not even a dead argot he should’ve been able to pick up and take back as well. But he could barely carry the few he held. If he leaned down, he’d collapse, and never get up again.
The forest in front of him was blurry, a flurry of snow obscuring Jude’s already-horrible view. Nothing was clear to him—everything was a vague shape and colour. He didn’t even know how close anything was. It was all… so little. Yet so much.
The falling flakes didn’t help with that, either. Everything was distorted. He didn’t even know that there was a tree in front of him until his feet made contact with the bark and he stumbled over the roots, trying his hardest not to fall. Luckily, he was able to straighten himself, one hand against the tree another still holding the argots slung over his shoulder.
The world around him started getting darker. Were his eyes closing? Were his eyes rolling back? He didn’t know. All he knew was that the black around him was getting closer and closer every passing moment. He started to sway. He… he wanted to stop. He wished time would pass and give him a moment of rest. He wished he could turn back time to when it was just him, his mother, Haven, and Eli. To when it was just the four of them. To when his mother was still alive and they hadn’t met Mara yet. To when Eli was still so young and didn’t try to give away his life force for other people’s safety.
To when he was happy.
He hadn’t been happy since his mother died. At least, he hasn’t felt the childish joy he used to. He had to grow up. To try and protect Eli and Haven, as they were still both so weak, even though he knew both were stronger than him due to the phoenix blood in their veins.
The ground came to meet Jude as he slowly tried to step off the tree’s roots, barely able to do it as a zing of pain dashed up his spine. It came from a place on his stomach, but he couldn’t acre to look down. He needed to ignore it. If he didn’t, he would probably find something that he didn’t want to find, and stall a bit longer than he was supposed to, which would delay him getting home with the argots.
The moon was close to the west. It would soon start to set and the sun would soon start to rise. He had been outside since the flame was high in the middle of the sky, barely visible through the fog outside clouding his vision. Was he really gone that long? Most of the time he spent outside was throwing things like rocks and sticks and flaying small, dead animals he found, most of which were rodents he was surprised to see in a world like the one he lived in.
His mind strayed away from where he was, from what was going on in the moment, and instead turned its focus to his brother and Mara.
His face darkened, a feeling of bitterness jealousy building up inside him.
He knows he shouldn’t be jealous—Mara is the only person like Eli. Mara is more human than any other phoenix they’ve met. She is… exotic. Her personality is that unlike anything they’ve ever seen before.
She’s good for Eli.
But Jude can’t help but feel like he’s been replaced.
Eli had been hanging out with Mara more than ever since she arrived, and he can’t blame his brother. He had been searching for someone like him, and after they found Mara, everything seemed to be perfect for Eli. She treated him in a way she didn’t treat the others—like she’d finally been realized. Like she had finally been noticed and wasn’t alone.
Jude wished he didn’t feel the way he did. He should be happy, so why isn’t he? Why is he filled with poison at the mere thought of the girl they rescued?
He trusted her. He would trust her with his life. Mara is a good person. She’s the best thing to ever happen to Eli.
But Eli was the best thing to ever happen to Jude. And Mara—unknowingly—is taking his brother away from him.
The way blood filled his mouth made Jude realize that he was biting his cheek. Hard.
More pain zapped through him, but he had to ignore it, instead just swallowing the iron-rich liquid despite the way his throat seemed to start to close up, breaths escaping him with shorter intervals.
He had to ignore it. Get back to the cabin. So, he started walking again.
He didn’t focus on anything other than getting back, a satisfied sigh escaping him when he came face-to-face with the place he built.
Jude took a moment. He just stared at the door. Would Eli or Mara still be awake? Would his brother be sitting on the couch, waiting for him? Would Mara be with him?
He hoped not. Out of everyone, the young phoenix was the one he wanted to see the least at the moment.
Would Haven still be inside? Or would he have gone back to the village?
Jude paused. Why was he even thinking about Haven? He doubts the blind phoenix even cares about him. He’s only vaguely related to him through Eli, and Eli is the perfect child. His younger brother is everything he wished to be.
Haven only cared for his son (his son. Jude was no such thing. He could never be considered one) and the people in the village. He was no different than a stranger. Haven could care less about him as long as Eli was alive and okay.
Which was good. It was good. So good, actually, that Jude had cried himself to sleep multiple nights thinking about the fact how no one really cared for him. No one needed to. He was fine on his own. And he would be for the years ahead of him before Eli eventually died, and then he would see no point in living after Eli was gone. His brother was his everything.
Jude felt his stomach ache again, and finally he looked down. There it was. It was no wonder why he was in pain.
A large gash bled sluggishly, and he wondered how long he had been bleeding for. It looked like stitches from an old wound had reopened, allowing the injury to do what it did. He was then aware of how lightheaded he was. Whether it was from the cold or from the blood that seemed to trail behind him for miles, he didn’t know. He couldn’t feel a thing other than a dull spark every now and then.
He needed to get inside. Fast.
Walking up to his door, he leaned against it, pushing it open with his body weight. The next thing he knew was the wood floor meeting his side, the blood staining the bark. He needed to try and clean that up as fast as he could.
Getting up to his feet with difficulty, he set down the argots next to the door, pushing it closed. He hoped the thump of his body didn’t wake anyone up.
Jude’s feet dragged against the floor as he pressed a hand against his stomach, walking into the main room in an attempt to stray away from anyone and everyone. They all should’ve been in their rooms. Plus, the main room had the sewing supplies so he could sew himself back up and could use the small number of bandages to wrap himself up.
What he forgot was that phoenixes didn’t really sleep.
So, as soon as he walked into the room, it wasn’t empty.
There was the couch. There were the cabinets. There was…
Haven. Staring in his direction.
“Jude.” He said, voice filled with concern. Why was he concerned? It’s not like he cared about him anyways.
Haven’s expression fell as if he heard the younger’s thoughts, although it was almost impossible to tell what he was feeling due to his lack of eyes. Jude was only able to figure out due to the slight downwards curve of his lips.
“You’ve been gone for quite a long time. Eli was worried, you know.” Haven claimed, his voice filled with a sincerity that he’d only heard when the phoenix was being as honest as he could possibly be. It was a good thing to know that he was telling the truth and wasn’t just lying.
Jude just stood there, the blood slipping through the gaps in his shifting fingers and falling to the floor. It seemed, then, Haven became aware of the human’s belly.
The phoenix rushed to Jude, moving faster than he had ever seen him move before. He rubbed his shoulders, pushing him down against a wall until his body met the floor. Haven sucked in a breath through his teeth. Jude didn’t know why. All he knew was that he was too tired to resist the help. Too tired to even look at his brother’s father in the eyes.
His brother’s father. That’s all he was. All he would think was that the human was a nuisance, something to be ignored and killed. Something that got in the way of his son’s development. He would be his brother’s father, and Jude would be his son’s brother. That’s all they would ever be to each other.
So why was Haven holding him so tenderly? Like he would Eli?
“You’re injured.” The phoenix claimed, and Jude snorted.
“No shit Sherlock.” He couldn’t care for decency in the moment. He was tired. He was cold.
As if he had just realized he was freezing, he shivered, the action not going unnoticed by Haven. His stepfather moved quickly again, grabbing Jude’s hands and warming them up quickly, letting the heat spread through the rest of his body. His body heat was strong, and it was one of the many things that Jude actually liked about Haven. He was always toasty and considerate of how everyone felt, being quick to help them with their heat problem if they had one.
“Warmer?” Haven asked, and Jude just hummed. He tongued the bite on his cheek, not caring of what was going on around him. He knew the answer anyways. Confirming would be a waste of energy.
Jude threw his head back on the wall, closing his eyes after what felt like so long. He was glad for the ability to blink.
His stepfather left his side, going to grab the needle and thread Jude would need to sew himself up. Haven couldn’t hold them long, so he relied on Jude to do the first part.
He didn’t know why the older was helping him, especially since he wasn’t his brother. ’Must be because me dying would mean more blood on his hands.’ He thought, opening his eyes again and staring straight up at the ceiling.
“You know I’m not helping you because I feel forced to.” Haven claimed his voice close. Jude jumped, quickly moving his head to stare straight in front of him, where Haven knelt.
“I care about you as much as I care about your brother.”
’Liar.’
Haven’s frown grew, but he didn’t say anything else. He pressed the material’s into Jude’s hands, and he grabbed them with a slight fumble before his grip tightened. This was his least favorite part.
He worked as quick as he could, which was as slow as he’d ever worked before. His stepfather grabbed his arms a few times when they shook too much to continue until he calmed down, before letting him continue again. At this point, he was too delirious from the pain to even think rationally.
Haven was now instead above him, and Jude was on his back, staring up at the ceiling, trying his hardest to avoid his stepfather’s face.
Haven worked quickly, pressing paste and bandages to the gash. He couldn’t heal him like he did Eli, since he was still recovering from it, but Jude couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge what was going on. He wanted to sleep.
The burning sensation in his lungs was gone. He regained feeling in his hands and legs. But he wishes he was still numb. Everything ached.
“Jude.” Haven called out to him, but the younger boy’s mind was clouded. It was extremely foggy, and he didn’t want to answer the phoenix.
“Can you hear me?” Haven called, unaware that the boy was just ignoring him. He didn’t want to answer, but in order to get rid of his concern he had to. He nodded, but only slightly, body too tired to do much.
Haven sighed. ”I was worried for you when you didn’t come back.” His voice was empty, but it was obvious something was being held back. If his stepfather didn’t want him to know what he was feeling, he would make sure of it. He was putting on an act.
“I really do care about you, you know.”
Jude stayed silent.
Another sigh.
“I’ve noticed how distant you’ve been recently. I thought you were just upset bec-”
“Of course I’m upset.”
Jude’s quick reply surprised Haven, but his gravely, ruined voice surprised the both of them. He’s shocked that his voice was that messed up.
“You look at Mara like how you used to look at me. You think that Mara is taking Eli the same way you thought I was pulling your mother away, don’t you?”
Jude doesn’t answer.
Haven doesn’t say anything, letting silence fall between the both of them. He simply stares down at his stepson with his empty sockets, and Jude only has half a mind to wonder whether he even knows where he is.
He probably does.
“I consider you my son, Jude.” Haven claims, grabbing his cane which had been forgotten on the wall next to them. He’s surprised that his stepfather survived that long without the support, considering how messed up his body was.
The younger wanted to scream at Haven for his lies, how he was just like the other Golden phoenixes, how he didn’t care about him and only really cared about his son. His actual son.
But he couldn’t. All he could hear was the ringing in his ears as Haven grabbed his shoulder, pulling him into a hug.
The hug had just the right amount of warmth, making every muscle in Jude’s body relax as he involuntarily melted into the hug. He would've tensed if he had enough energy to, but all he could do was let his jaw slacken slightly in the shock, eyes widening as he felt the arms that surrounded him tighten.
This wan’t real. It had to be a dream.
However, the metal pressing sharply into his back kept him anchored to the world. This was real.
Jude just couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe Haven was hugging him. Tightly, even. Tenderly. If those two could even coexist.
Hugging him the way a father would hug a son.
Tears started to prickle in the human’s eyes. His vision grew blurry. His arms shakily raised, wrapping around Haven’s midsection. The action seemed to surprise the phoenix, if that wasn’t obvious by his startled jump, but all Jude did was lower his hands so they didn’t make contact with what Haven had left for wings.
Jude buried his face in Haven’s neck, allowing his tears to fall freely onto his stepfather’s clothing.
He didn’t move after that, and Haven allowed him to sob away all of his worries.