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Lucy looks down at her shaking hands, covered in Martin's blood. She flinches at the very sight of them, knowing these same hands were the ones to take Martin's life from him.
A sob tears out of her throat before she can stop it. She sits there, in the shop, tears spilling down her cheeks as she tries, desperately, to grasp onto what little strength she has left, but her mind is invaded by memories of what happened. Of Martin's body, on top of her. Of Martin, slamming her head into the metal. Her head pounds at the reminder of the pain she endured. She vaguely remembers Tim calling for RA, as calm and steady as ever, and she thinks back to this morning, when Tim told her he'd had a bad feeling. She'd ignored him, choosing to believe his gut feeling was wrong, but now, as she sits there, heart hurting for the life she's taken, she can't help but try to picture what if she'd ridden with hi? Celina would've been safe, she never would've been in danger the way she had been with Lucy.
Lucy's mind spirals deeper and deeper and she loses herself in grief and guilt. She's snapped out of her thoughts when the car door opens, Tim practically throwing himself into his seat, his worried gaze finding hers immediately. She wants to reach out, wants to let him comfort her and she can see her wishes mirrored in his gaze, but she knows he can't. He has to be professional about this, otherwise he'd get accused of favouritism. But god, Lucy thinks, all she wants to do is let Tim hold her, let him ground her.
They make the drive back to the station in silence. Lucy can't stop thinking about Martin, about all that she could've done to save him, rather than kill him? What if she had been faster? What if she had been stronger? Nyla had told her she couldn't freeze in a situation like this, but this wasn't an ordinary day on the job. Martin had been innocent, his mind twisted. He hadn't been himself. He was a victim and she had killed him.
Lucy's too lost thought in her thoughts to notice when they finally arrive at the station. Tim's lays his hand gently on her shoulder, pulling her back to the present. His eyes convey everything he can't say. The guilt he feels for not being there for her. For not finding her in time. He squeezes her hand softly before pulling away, leading her to holding.
She's been through this process a million times with others, but it's difficult when its herself. She'd never expected she would one day be the one being processed.
Lucy takes a deep breath after the photos are done. She hands in her clothing after Celina leads her to the bathroom. She feels numb. Empty. How could this day have gone so wrong? Everything had been so perfect this morning. She had been happy, and now she feels... Drained. No fight remained within her as she dressed, provided with a hoodie and sweatpants. Avoiding the mirror, Lucy turned and walked out, her heart heavy as she stares at the doors where she knows Nolan is waiting for her.
She closes her eyes, fighting back the nausea that was quickly rising inside her. Her hand is on the door, shaking as she opens it. Nolan is there, and Lucy feels safe. Nolan understands. She remembers watching him go through this exact process, watching as he struggled with the guilt. She wonders when it changed, when the guilt stopped consuming your very being.
Nolan leads her to the seat, his voice careful and low as if afraid she would shatter and break before him. Honestly, it wouldn't have been surprising. She feels so broken down and battered, all she wants to do is rest. And she will, after the questioning. They'd given her the choice to question her now or later. Deciding she wanted to get it over as quickly as she could, she decided tonight. Then, after everything was done, she would go home to sleep. If she could.
Martin's eyes haunt her. She sees him, the wild, murderous look in his eyes. She feels her heart start to beat faster at the memory of his body on top of hers, of feeling like she was going to die. It pounds even faster, and suddenly, she can't breathe because she's back there, Martin's chasing her, she's going to die, she's going to die, she's going to-
"Lucy?" Nolan's voice pulls her from the depths of her nightmare (daymare?), and she focuses on him, on the concerned look in his eyes as she tries to pull herself together. She takes a deep breath, needing to remain in this moment. She has to do this.
She swallows. "I'm sorry... Did you say something?"
Nolan's eyes soften in understanding. He knows. He remembers.
"I did," He says, voice calm. She's glad for it. "But it's okay, we can go over it again later."
She nods, grateful that Nolan was union rep. Anyone else, and she would've shut down by now. Nolan's keeping her calm. Steady, like he always did.
"Time is doing funny things." She says, completely numb. She feels so out of it, but she needs to stay in this moment. She couldn't afford to shut down, to close up.
"I know," Nolan said, closing the file. "It did that for me too."
Not for the first time, Lucy wonders how he'd survived going through this. It was an agony no one should have to experience. In her mind's eye, she sees Martin's body, lying so still. She thinks about the life he'd had. The family he'd left behind. She'd stolen him from them.
She wants to cry, desperately. She can feel tears burning in her eyes, but she forces them back. She could break down later, alone. Not here. Not now.
"It'll get better when you get some sleep," He says.
She knows she'll need to sleep, eventually. But she's too wired up right now, and Martin's body flashes in her mind over and over again.
"Is there something I need to do right now?" She asks. She needs a task to focus on. Needs something to distract her from the fact that she's so close to shattering completely.
"IA's on their way," She hides a visible wince. Would it be Jackson's dad there to talk to her? Would she have to face that grief again? "Uh, the public information officer will need to put out a statement. If there's anyone you want to call before this hits the news, now's the time."
Her parents. She should call her parents. She can already predict what they're going to say, that this was her fault. She'd chosen a career like this, so she could face the consequences of it on her own. But for once, she wishes they were here to support her. That they wouldn't blame her for this. She already blamed herself enough.
"My parents, I guess," She sighs. "I don't wanna deal with their judgement right now. I just..." She trailed off.
"I can call them for you," He says softly, and Lucy meets his gaze, tears shining in her eyes.
"Thank you," She says, because its the only she can say. She has no idea what to do now, no idea what to feel now. Nolan stands, but Lucy remains seated, glued to the chair.
"John?" She asks, voice trembling. "What do I do now?"
He says nothing for a minute, before he meets her eyes, sorrow in his gaze.
"Now, you heal," How is she supposed to do that, though? How could she ever move pass this? How had he ever moved passed this? This suffocating guilt, the haunting memories, how every time she closed her eyes she saw the knife going in, again and again. Hearing his grunts as the last of the life left his eyes. How was she supposed to heal from that? Should she even be allowed to? She had killed someone. It might not have been in cold blood, but Martin had been innocent, and she had killed him. She had taken his life from him, from his family.
"Do I even deserve to?" She asks quietly. "He was innocent. I killed an innocent man. It wasn't his choice to be there. I... How do I move on from that?" She was speaking too fast, she knew that, but she couldn't help it. "How do I get through this, Nolan?" The tears were back, burning. She feels one slip down her cheek, and Nolan's by her side in an instant, a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"It's a long process. Believe me, I know that. I know that you'll see his death, over and over again. You'll replay every second of that fight, trying to figure out what you could've done differently, telling yourself that there had to be another way. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life," Lucy remembers the night after Nolan had killed. How he'd been reserved. How there had been something missing from him, something he never quite got back, even after he'd begun to heal. She can see a shadow of that old guilt shining in his eyes. "But eventually, without you even realising it, the guilt will lessen. It'll still be there, but it won't be suffocating," Nolan took a deep breath.
"I saw the body cam footage, Lucy," His voice is gentle as he looks at her. She freezes at the mention of the awful memories that haunt her, on tape for everyone to witness. Humiliation and shame fill her inside, but before she can voice it, Nolan speaks again, "You had no other choice. Martin was a monster, determined to kill you. If you hadn't fought back, you would've died. I know that doesn't make it any better, but it's the truth. You are not a bad person, Lucy. You did what you had to to survive."
Her eyes fill with tears as she stands, grasping Nolan's hand in hers like a lifeline.
"Thank you," She said softly. Talking to Nolan feels... Good. Like the old days, when Jackson had been alive and their only worries were about passing the FTO program. Now, they had so much to deal with. Her friendship with Nolan had fallen to the side, but she was determined to rebuild it.
Tim met her outside the station. She sees the guilt shining in his eyes, still, and the weight of everything that happened slams into her again. She'd killed someone. Nolan had told her it would take a long time to heal, to come back from this. She has to trust that process.
They make it back to their shared house, and Lucy feels a breath of relief whoosh out of her. Everywhere feels haunted by Martin and what she had done. Here, here was her home. Her salvation. She sits on the couch as Tim makes tea, and she stares into space, replaying Nolan's words.
"I talked to Nolan," Lucy's voice comes out quiet. Tim looks at her, his gaze so full of love and worry that if she wasn't sitting, her knees would've buckled.
"Yeah?" Tim says as he sits down next to her, close enough to touch if she wishes, but not willing to push if Lucy was against it.
"Yeah," She says softly. "It felt... Nice. Relieving. When we walked into the station, it felt like everyone was staring at me. Judging me. But Nolan... He understands,"
Tim nods. He may have struggled with the older man at first, but knowing he was there to help Lucy, that she hadn't been alone when she needed someone the most... Well, that softened Tim up to the man. Only a little, though.
"I never thought I would have to deal with this," Lucy laughs, but its bitter. "Stupid, I know, but I just thought I could save people without having to take a life..." Her breath shook. "I just... I tried so hard, Tim," Her voice broke. "I tried to fight him off, I tried to stop him, but I couldn't, and it was him or me and I didn't want to die but he didn't deserve to die either. He was a victim, Tim, and I killed him." Tears spilled down her cheeks. Tim pulled her into a hug, holding her as she sobbed. "He's dead because of me. His family has to mourn him because of me, because I couldn't find another way,"
"There was no other way, Luc," Tim's voice is gentle as he brushes a strand of hair away from her face. "He was trying to kill you, and as selfish as it sounds, I'm glad it was him and not you. If I lost you..." His voice breaks this time as he remembers the footage, of watching Lucy's head smash against the metal, again and again. The fear he felt watching it... He never wanted to relive that ever again. "You did what you had to to survive, and I know its hard, I know it hurts, but I will be here with you, every step of the way because I love you."
More tears drip down Lucy's cheeks as Tim continues to hold her. The tea on the table has gone cold, but she doesn't care as she lets Tim take care of her. She needs this. She needs him.
"When I was down there, when Martin was on top of me, I was terrified. I was terrified I would never get to tell you I love you, that I would never get to smile or laugh with you, that I would never get to tease you..." She broke off. "I love you. I love you. I love you." She says it out loud like a prayer. She wants to scream it from a rooftop because she was so close to never being able to tell him again.
"I love you too, Luc. Always."