Chapter Text
It wouldn't be long now. At least compared to all the time that had already passed. Rocky had been making plans. He hadn't told me much about them, and I hadn't pushed it. He would tell me when he'd figured it out.
But figuring out how to keep a human alive on a planet not designed for one wasn't easy. He'd been asking a lot of questions. I'd tried to answer them to the best of my abilities.
When he'd asked for a list of all things I would need on Erid, other than the obvious, I had promised to think about it.
I had even started a list. My brain wasn't working very well these days, so it was kind of a necessity. These days, my meals mostly consisted of the coma slurry. Sometimes I even added some taumeba into it to give it a little bit of taste, even if that taste was dirt. It made it a little less bland.
Which was what a lot of things seemed to be these days.
Bland.
Or maybe I was having an especially boring day and was just being dramatic. I threw my little Earth ball into the air and caught it again when it came down. With a sigh, I placed it next to me on the bed.
It was only then that I realized that the clinking sound of Rocky working on his own project had stopped. I turned to face him, only to find his carapace leaning in my direction. He was so still that it was kind of freaking me out.
"Rocky?"
"What, question?"
"Why are you staring?"
"Thinking," he said.
"About?"
"Grace."
"Why?" I sighed. "Or is this about you trying to figure out what to do with me when we get to Erid?"
"No," he replied. "Been thinking about Grace for days. Acting weird. More weird than usual."
I instantly felt the familiar burn in my eyes. It was so stupid. I wasn't going to cry just at the mere mention of not everything being quite all right. I wasn't. Not now anyway. Maybe later.
"I'm just thinking too, bud," I told him, trying my best to keep my voice stable.
Rocky had once mentioned that whenever I tried to talk while crying, when my voice was all wobbly, it sounded a little eridian. Like a baby eridian trying to learn how to talk. I wasn't sure if they thought of such a thing as cute or something else, but I'd decided to take it as some kind of weird compliment.
"What Grace think about, question?" Rocky asked.
"Right now?" I asked right back. "About the fact that I'm already supposed to be asleep."
Rocky lifted his carapace a little, surprised, and twisted himself around a bit to get a better 'view' of his clock.
"Stay up too late. Not say anything. Bad," he said.
"You were so focused on your work, I didn't want to disturb you", I told him, already turning over onto my side to face him.
I remembered staying over at my grandmother's and watching late-night TV with her. I'd always tried to sit as still as possible, so that she wouldn't realize that my bedtime had gone a long time ago.
It was a little like that with Rocky. He had made a sleeping schedule for me because I was stupid for not sleeping when I felt like sleeping. He was usually strict about it, but today, somehow, he hadn't noticed time passing.
"Bad," he commented one more time. "I watch."
"Yep," I sighed into my pillow.
The comforting sound of him beginning to work again forced my eyes shut.
It hit me the most at 'night' when there was literally nothing else to do but lie there. I'd always wrap my arms around my own middle, bring over the other pillow, and press it against my back just to feel something.
For a long time, just having someone else in here with me had been enough to satisfy the stupid human need for contact. But it wasn't anymore.
Rocky still didn't know much about hugs; he just accepted that they happened, especially in emotional situations. We hadn't had one in a long while, thank God.
When he was inside his ball, and I hugged him, I could only feel the tiniest hint of warmth and him pressing against me. It was something, but also not enough. It was almost cruel. So close to what I wanted and yet not.
As pathetic as it sounded, I just wanted someone to touch me.
I would have to tell Rocky about it eventually. He wouldn't take my lies as proper answers forever. He already knew something was going on and had apparently been thinking about it for several days. He was smart; even if I didn't tell him, he'd probably somehow figure it out anyway.
I grabbed my pillow from behind me, scooted as close to the wall as I could, and squeezed the pillow in my arms. I buried my face in it, realized I still had my glasses on, and put them off to the side before trying to relax again.
Everything was too soft. I wanted pressure. The last time I'd felt that had been when I'd been squeezed in between my chair and the monitors, and that hadn't exactly been pleasant. I wanted someone, on purpose, to press against my skin and muscle, and I wanted to feel it.
Just the thought of it made me want to weep.
God, I was pathetic.
And how would I even tell Rocky about my new need without sounding like an absolute weirdo? It wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. The last time he'd touched me, he'd burned his claw print onto my skin. I got a cool scar out of it, but had absolutely no memory of such a thing happening.
I could just show him the Wikipedia article for it. He'd been learning his 'human letters,' and he liked it when I sang the 'ABC' song for him. It was annoyingly cute. He learned fast, but I wasn't sure if he was quite ready to read a whole article on his own without asking me what a certain word meant every five seconds. I could, of course, just make the computer read it out loud to him.
Yeah, that was definitely easier.
I'd looked up that article myself a few days ago. It wasn't like I'd ever really had this problem before, so I'd had to learn about it. I'd always loved cuddling way more than sex, which definitely was one of the reasons why my ex had broken up with me, but even without that, I'd survived just fine. The little pats on the back from other teachers and the everyday hugs from the kids had been more than enough to keep me from… whatever this was.
—⭒☆⭒—⭑⋆⋆⋆⭑—⭒☆⭒—
My dreams were filled with all the last people whom I'd seen on Earth. Stratt was still calling me a coward, and all of those who had died were still alive. But they started shifting in only moments, turning more and more dead with each passing second, no matter what I did.
"You couldn't even save them," Stratt whispered, and I gasped awake.
I'd turned on my back at some point during my sleep and was now staring at the ceiling, trying my best to calm down my breathing before Rocky noticed a change. It was stupid because he'd probably noticed a long time ago. Apparently, he could hear my heartbeat. He'd even said he liked it, reminded him somehow of home.
Even though my heartbeat slowed down and I forced my breathing under control, I could still see their faces. Their mummified faces. Empty shells of who they used to be.
I only realized I was crying when a strange noise escaped me.
I cupped my hand in front of my mouth, and the tears fell almost violently.
"Grace, Grace," I could hear Rocky calling out. "Bad dream, question?"
Another sob forced its way out of my throat, and I found myself climbing out of bed. I tripped onto something, being as graceful as I ever was, and didn't even bother to get up. I could still hear Rocky calling for me. He was now fully pressed against the wall that divided us.
My brain screamed at me to just go to him because it was what I wanted to do.
"Grace hurt, question?"
I shook my head, although my knees were a bit sore from falling. Rocky quieted down, which made me feel like I should, too, but it was just impossible. Instead of numbness and blandness, I was now filled with nothing but this sadness.
Screw it.
I crawled over to the wall and slumped against it, wishing that I could feel Rocky through it, even if it would burn my skin. I saw Rocky press right back against me, fully aware that this was one of those 'hug moments' we'd talked about.
"We are safe," he told me, and rather than focusing on his computer voice, I focused on the complex tunes coming from somewhere within him. "Rocky okay. Grace okay. Bad dream is just dream. Not real."
"Yeah," I managed to gasp out. "Not real."
I wasn't sure how long we stayed there like that, but in the end, I just laid there against the wall. My tears had dried on my cheeks and were making them itchy. The numbness was slowly coming back to me, and I couldn't bring myself to move.
Rocky had been humming. The computer didn't translate it as anything else but 'singing, comfort.' With that, he was tapping the floor so fast with his claw that even I could feel it as this gentle vibration, which was definitely a new thing, and I'd have to ask him about it at some point. My guess was that it was also meant to make me relax.
"Grace tell now what is wrong, question?" Rocky asked.
I nodded. There was no use in lying.
"Yeah, I'll tell you."
—⭒☆⭒—⭑⋆⋆⋆⭑—⭒☆⭒—
I did exactly as I had thought that I would. We were close, of course, but I was still only human, and being vulnerable was… hard at times. So I placed a laptop near him and pulled up the Wikipedia article on touch starvation. I let the computer do all of the talking and sat back to wait.
Rocky stayed still the whole time, focused.
And then, when it was over, he let out a little chirp to get my attention.
"Prolonged absence of physical contact can have traumatic impacts on an individual's emotional, physical, and/or mental well-being," Rocky reiterated from memory. "Absence can lead to or be exacerbated by loneliness and/or existing depressive symptoms. Lack of physical human contact is stated to be severely harmful to one's confidence, emotional regulation, and self-image."
"Yeah…" was all I could say.
The computer was still reading out loud some of the other articles listed at the bottom of the article Rocky had just finished listening to.
"Bad, bad, bad," Rocky said and turned his carapace toward me. "Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad-"
"Yeah, okay, I got it," I said and walked over to shut the laptop.
"Why no tell me earlier, question?"
"It's…" I sighed. "You remember how I told you that sometimes it's hard for humans to talk about their emotions?"
"Yes," he replied. "Stupid."
That got a small laugh out of me.
"Yeah, it kind of is," I agreed. "But it's hard to get rid of that habit."
"Eridians tell each other everything. We say problem out loud and then solve," he said. "Easy."
"Yeah, well.. That is good", I told him. "But there's no fixing this, Rock."
"What Grace mean, question?"
"You can't touch me," I reminded him. "And I wouldn't even ask you to do that."
"Why no, question?"
"Because it's… not something that you guys do," I explained. "And it's, well, intimate."
"Intimate like laying eggs together intimate, question?" his voice came out a little quieter.
"No! Not that intimate, no," I told him quickly. "Nothing like that."
I felt my cheeks get a little warm, but thankfully, they were already red from all the crying.
"But feels good, question?" Rocky asked.
I sighed, opening the laptop again.
"Do you want me to find you a Wikipedia article on hugs?" I asked.
"Yes, yes, yes."
"Alright."
—⭒☆⭒—⭑⋆⋆⋆⭑—⭒☆⭒—
Rocky went through a lot more articles than just the one on hugs. I had to stop him by the time he got to an article about blood pressure. I couldn't listen to the annoying robotic voice anymore.
"I fix," Rocky said when he was done pouting about me taking the laptop away.
"Fix what?"
"You."
I huffed out a small laugh.
"Might take a long time, Rock."
"Have time."
If I wasn't already fully cried out, I absolutely would've burst into tears again. My throat burned, and I turned to look back at him.
"There is no way for you to… touch me," I told him once more. "It's okay, Rocky. I'll be okay."
"I fix," he said again. "Takes seven days. Maybe eight days."
"What does?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow.
Instead of answering, he hurried away through his tunnel. Instead of following, I decided that it was time to eat again as my stomach let out a long and desperate rumble. I'd have to disappoint it again by getting myself a nice tauomeba smoothie.
God, I missed coffee. And tacos.
I made my meal, forced it down my throat, and laid down. I had actually managed to get a good eight hours before waking up from my nightmare, and not a lot of time had passed since then, and yet I was exhausted again. I hated this slump I was in, mentally and physically.
I wanted to stay up and figure out what it was that Rocky was working on. I could already hear him tinkering away at something. I just had no energy to get up again, and I drifted off to sleep without even having to count a single space sheep.
—⭒☆⭒—⭑⋆⋆⋆⭑—⭒☆⭒—
Rocky had refused to tell me anything about his little project. Which was annoying.
Now, during the past eight days, I could've just snuck to where he was working on it, but he'd been very adamant about me not seeing what he was doing, and as far as I could tell, there was a possibility I'd spend a good amount of years, if not my whole life, with this guy, so I didn't want to anger him.
And if being banned from one part of this spaceship wasn't enough, I was now told to stand by and wait with my eyes tightly closed until Rocky gave me permission to open them.
"I hope you remember that while a few hours seem little to you, it's a long time for me," I told him.
"Yes, yes. Wait one minute," Rocky said.
I could do a minute.
I heard some rustling around, a little too loud for my liking, but kept my promise and didn't peek.
"Okay, okay. Open, open, open," he said.
For some reason, I found myself genuinely nervous and took a few extra seconds before I opened my eyes.
I stared at the wall in front of me and found that Rocky wasn't on the other side of it. At least not where I could see him.
"Here," he said then, from a lot closer than I thought he would.
Of course, he was in his ball to show whatever it was that he'd been working-
He wasn't in his ball. Well, not the one that I was used to. The one he was in wasn't even exactly a ball but more like a suit. It left some room around his body, but it fit each of his arms individually.
He raised his carapace proudly.
"Will make more soft and flexible when get home," he explained. "What think, question?"
"It's… It's great," I told him, unsure of what else to say. "Is it more comfortable? It doesn't look that comfortable. How do you get into it?"
"Has seam in middle," he explained, twisting himself around to show off the barely noticeable seam. "Is okay. Will make more comfortable when get home and have more different materials. I like."
"I like it too, bud," I said, smiling at his enthusiasm. "But what's got you designing a new… suit all of a sudden?"
"Why stupid again, question?" he said and whirred before lifting two of his arms. "Can hug Grace now."
"Oh," I found myself saying. "Oh..."
When I didn't say or do anything, he placed his claws back against the floor.
"No want hug, question?"
"Well, that's not… That's…" I mumbled, rubbing at my temples. "I'm more worried about whether you want one or not."
"Have hugged before," he replied.
"I know, I know," I said.
Maybe I was being stupid again.
"So no worry. Want to help," he told me. "Hugs increase levels of oxytocin and reduce blood pressure."
I let out a quiet laugh.
"You're banned from Wikipedia from now on," I told him. "Yes, a hug would help me, Rocky, but the other times we've hugged, those moments have been… moments of celebration. They were sudden, not planned. This one… I just worry that you're only doing it to make me feel better."
"Am doing it to make Grace feel better," he replied.
I sighed and poked my glasses further up my nose bridge.
"Usually when a person hugs another, they do it because they want to," I explained. "Not because they have to."
"People hug each other to indicate familiarity, love, affection, friendship, gratitude, fraternity, flirting, or sympathy," he said, firing off yet another line from the Wikipedia article. "Hugs can indicate support, comfort, and consolation. Rocky comfort Grace. Want to."
"I…" I began.
Why was I looking for excuses? I wasn't even sure. I had wanted this for a long time, and Rocky had worked hard to give me what I needed. It should've been clear to me by now that just as I would do anything for him, he'd do anything for me.
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly.
"Sure, sure, sure," he told me, perking up again. "Hug here, question?"
"Uh, sure," I said and felt my heart beating a little faster. "Just remember that you can always stop if you feel uncomfortable."
Rocky shifted around, annoyed once again.
"Yes, yes," he said and lifted two of his arms again.
I took a seat in front of him. I was thinking far too hard about this. Hugs were easy; all I had to do was put my arms around him, and that was that.
And yet I couldn't bring myself to move.
"Could you…" I began and cleared my throat. "Could you hug me?"
Rocky let out a small, high-pitched purr and stepped closer. One of his claws rested against my thigh for a moment before he wrapped it around my shoulders. I stiffened against him for a moment as two of his arms wrapped around me slowly.
He was being careful.
I rested my cheek against his carapace. Well, the 'suit' covering him, but still.
"Can you… Can you press a little harder?" I gasped out, finding myself short of breath.
He applied more pressure against my spine and the back of my neck. A small whimper escaped me as my skin and muscles screamed for more, more, more. My breaths came out faster as all of my senses were flooded with all the good in the universe.
"T- Tighter, please," I gasped out and felt tears dripping down my cheeks again.
He pressed his claw harder against me and kept the pressure constant as he began to move it up and down the length of my back. I sobbed against him, embarrassingly loudly, and wanted to stay here forever. Just like this. Right against him.
"Sound like baby eridian again," Rocky commented, forcing the smallest of chuckles out of me.
My arms, which had been wrapped around him since the start, fell to my sides as time went on. My sobs quieted down, but I was still crying. It was like there was no stopping it anymore.
"Grace hurt, question?"
"No," I whispered quickly. "Just overwhelmed."
"No understand word," he replied.
"A lot of emotions. Too much. Can be a good thing or a bad thing," I tried my best to explain despite my brain and body feeling like mush. "This is good."
"Good, good, good," Rocky answered softly.
I allowed myself to let out all the tears that I had left. It wasn't like there was anyone else here seeing me lose it like this. Rocky certainly didn't seem to care about my emotional outbursts, despite thinking that it was a little disgusting that I leaked. I'd be a little freaked out, too, if he started to leak out of nowhere.
I knew I'd have to let go soon. I knew that Rocky was strong and could probably hold his arms in place for the whole day, but I didn't want to ask that of him. Hugs, as far as I understood, didn't really mean much to eridians, although they did seem to huddle next to one another. At least that was what Rocky had told me. They didn't put their arms around each other, though, and maybe this would get weird for him if it went on for too long.
I began to pull away. I had to force my body to do it.
"Grace want to stop, question?"
"N- no, but we can't be here all d-"
He pulled me back against him, and after a moment of surprise, I melted right into place again.
"Can."
"No, we can't," I told him. "I have to go to sleep in like an hour."
"I can be in new suit for long time," he explained. "I hold Grace and watch."
"T- that," I stumbled over my words, a little embarrassed again. "That wouldn't be just a hug anymore, Rocky, that'd be cuddling. Cuddling means-"
"Cuddling means two people hold one another in each other's arms for an extended period of time," Rocky said matter-of-factly. "Is intimate. Too intimate, question? Wikipedia article say can cuddle with family, friend, or lover."
"Oh God," I mumbled. "Okay, well… The only people I've ever cuddled with were my grandmother and my ex, so I don't know, Rocky…"
I had already gotten used to him watching me sleep. It actually felt wrong to go to sleep without him watching. It was comforting, made me feel safe, and as much as I'd fantasized about someone just rubbing my back or stroking my hair until I fell asleep, maybe it was just a bit too intimate.
At least for me. The way Rocky was talking about it made it seem like it didn't bother him at all. Maybe he just viewed me the way humans viewed cats. Cats liked it when you pet them, so you did that for them. Petting cats was good for humans as well. It'd been shown to lower their blood pressure, and people did usually find it calming.
What if… Rocky liked… 'petting' me?
"Rocky," I started carefully.
"What, question?"
"Do you like doing this?" I said, pushing my back against his still-moving claw.
"Like," he said immediately. "Like doing things with claws. Like repetition. Happy, happy, happy. Help Grace too."
"Oh, okay," I mumbled. "So I am like a cat to you."
"New word, no understand. What is that, question?"
"A cat is an animal on Earth with these triangle ears-," I began and shook my head. "Never mind. I'll explain later. Don't worry about it."
He accepted my answer without an opposing opinion of wanting to hear the explanation right now, which was surprising.
"Grace worry about cuddle, question?" Rocky asked then.
"Well, I've not done it with a lot of people," I began. "So I'm not sure if it would be too… intimate."
"Can always stop if want," Rocky replied. "But we have been here for fifteen minutes. This is cuddling, question? Is too intimate, question?"
I froze against him. The position I was sitting in and the fairly hard material I was resting my face against shouldn't have been comfortable, but it was. Rocky's claw rhythmically moving across my back had paralyzed me against him. My body and mind were finally getting what they wanted and didn't want it to stop.
"Right," I said and cleared my throat again. "I… It feels nice. It's okay."
"Grace want sleep now, question?" Rocky asked.
I nodded. He moved his arms away from me, and I expected the numb and empty feeling to fill me once again, but instead… my mind was quiet. The surface of my skin no longer screamed for touch.
We'd definitely be doing this more. It wasn't like anyone other than myself would judge me for it. Certainly not Rocky. I wouldn't be surprised if he had already come up with some kind of a hug schedule to keep my human needs in check.
God, my life was weird.
"Hey, Rock?" I said as I came to stand by my bed.
"Yes, question?" He asked, following me.
"Thank you," I told him with a small nod and a smile. "I do feel better."
He lifted his arms and chirped happily.
"Rocky fix, Rocky fix. Good job, good job, good job," he said.
I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. He often called himself smart, specifically smarter than me, but I had never heard him praise himself like that. It was kind of… cute.
But I'd never tell him that.
"Yeah, good job," I told him, giving him a thumbs down.