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It would have been nice if Seamus could look your way like he does with Frederica but you suppose somethings aren't meant to be. You're not entirely sure when you fell for him as you walk down memory lane organizing the books within the church's library.
Perhaps it was around the time you were newly appointed to the church, clumsy on your feet working alongside himself also recently joined. How you had tripped over your own feet and pinned him to the alter you were assigned to clean. How his golden hair fell like a halo around him and his glasses skewed just so revealing the unfiltered beauty of his soft blue eyes.
He hadn't gotten mad that time, nor the others where your clumsiness made some mess or another. Instead he'd help you clean up the mess and apologize with you when you told your seniors what you may have broken this time.
You're not nearly as clumsy as before, far more graceful like a proper member of the church though you have your moments. The book in your hands slips in your daze but you catch it just in time to place it properly on the shelf picking up a heavier tome next.
Maybe you fell for him when he has passed his tests and raised in the ranks with a pep in his step and shared the good news. Or maybe it was when he was actively courting Frederica and she responded so well they eventually married and were blessed with two adorable daughters.
You're not sure and even though it hurt to watch the two of them live happily for a time together you never dared to take that from them by letting your feelings be known. Those would be kept locked away in a box filled with letters you never sent more than content to just be a part of their lives as their "Seamus' best friend".
Varka and Crepus understand your pain, even understanding your reasons for not taking the opportunity to confess to Seamus long when the pair have divorced. Because you know he still loves her, that she still loves him even if they are apart for reasons you kept tucked tight in your chest.
You watch your friends come and go and care for their children in their absence. Giving Barbara a much needed place to hide when her fans become too much. Letting Rosaria take her much needed naps from her late night duties. Bringing Jean medicine for her headaches from the eye strain even though she insists she doesn't need glasses yet.
Patching up Diluc when he doesn't have the energy to go back home. 'Nagging' Kaeya so he doesn't get too lonely and takes care of himself. Helping Razor with his speech when you're out collecting wolfhooks so he can communicate with his new friends better.
All of these things you want to do to because you genuinely care for them but also because you need a distraction from the pain of loss and love you'll never get to express in a way you truly want to. You had hoped that it would help take away these feelings but they stay even as he returns and you see him around Dorman Port on a delivery to the knights stationed there.
He's as handsome as you remember even if a bit worn from the horrors in Nod Krai. You force yourself to turn away delivering the medicine and leaving meeting up with a sister to return to the church. Maybe someday your heart will let go of him and love him in another way this is something you hope and pray.