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"Oh, my God! He's got a gun!"
"Oh this? No no no," Rocky held up the claw in which he was holding his 'gun' and pointed it towards a nearby screen,"This to screen in front and now this to that over here,"
He pointed with a free claw on something that picked up the image in different textures, "Now Rocky can hear screens."
"Please don't point it at me."
"Oh, point over here." Rocky motioned away from me.
"Yes."
"Oh okay, now over there." And he was pointing at me again. It made me uncomfortable to say the least so I started walking away from him.
"You're pointing at me again," I informed him as I was making my way out of the reach of his new invention rather fast.
The next few days I tried to avoid Rocky and his texture-reader as much as physically possible. I wasn't really successful at that simply because the space we had in the Hail Mary wasn't much and Rocky was super excited about being able to see me more 'clearly'. According to him he could sense my silhouette easily but the details went missing so he doesn't really know how a human looks beyond that. I tried explaining it as good as possible but I can't fault him for being curious now that he has the ability to 'see' me a little better.
I guess I didn't want him to see me more clearly for selfish reasons.
I seem to have been lost in thought because I couldn't hear Rocky roll up to me in his xenonite ball.
"Grace."
"Hhm?" I looked down at my friend and immediately stepped back from him when i saw what he held in one of his claws.
"Whoa, don't point that at me, please."
"Why, question? Is not dangerous to human. Promise." He explained.
"I know but still. It makes me uncomfortable."
"Why, question?"
"I just don't want you to see me like that." I suppose that wasn't really a lie so it's fine, right?
"Like what, question?"
And he keeps asking questions, oh God. I liked Rocky and I liked his curiosity but sometimes I wish he could take a hint. But I wasn't about to shut down my best friend seemingly without reason. Or not reason enough for Rocky at least.
"Look it's just-" I took a deep breath and rubbed my hands over my face before i shook them out for a second. Okay Ryland there is no reason to hide it. You could explain it to students you can also explain it to Rocky. He's much smarter and will understand. He's not gonna judge.
"Grace thinking, question?" Rocky chirped.
"What? Yes, sorry. You still wanna point that thing at me?" I asked and tried to keep my tone light and playful.
"Honest yes. For science!" He said excited.
"Fair. Okay then bring it on." I closed the distance between us and let him go over me with his texture-reader.
Rocky started at my head. He was fascinated by my hair when he saw that it wasn't technically just one part like he assumed by my silhouette but rather a bunch of little hairs. He also finally got to see my eyes better and was overall really excited but also kind of creeped out by the details of my face. Can't really blame him for that. His only 'bodily outlets' were really easy and just not as complex as a mouth with teeth. At this point I was already standing there for some time and Rocky didn't really ask questions. I assumed I would get bombarded with them later so I kind of zoned out.
"Done!" He exclaimed after half an hour? Maybe a bit longer.
"Okay hit me with your questions." I said while I sat down in front of him with my legs crossed over each other.
"Human eyes have no protection, questions?"
"Nope. They're stupidly vulnerable. As everything on a human really."
"No good job from evolution." Rocky stated.
"Well, it did enough otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here, would I?"
"Yes."
"Next question."
"Reason for stripes on one arm, question? Culture thing, question?"
Ah there it is. The reason why I didn't want him to point that thing on me in the first place. Now i could say it is a culture thing and the topic would be done but that just didn't feel right. I didn't wanna outright lie to him.
"Not exactly." I sighed. This would be a heavy conversation. I turned around and leaned my back against Rocky's xenonite ball and took a deep breath.
"Explain. Please." Rocky asked.
He seemed to have picked up on the fact that this is why I was uncomfortable and loafed down in the middle of his ball. Close enough that he could reach out if he wanted but not right up to the xenonite barrier so there is some space between us.
"It's not really cultural. For me at least. These things can be cultural for some places on earth but the context of that is different than with me." I didn't really have time to get into different cultural practices of humans and the concept scarification but i kinda wanted him to get the idea that it's not all the same and that there are different reasons for scars.
"So not culture. What then, question?"
"I struggled a lot when I was younger, you know?"
"Struggle with what, question?"
"Oh everything kind of," I started fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. It was one of my science pun shirts. 'I had potential'. It's kind of ironic. I wonder who packed it.
"Not explain stripes."
Right. My stripes.
"It is the reason for them. They're also not just stripes. They're scars."
"New word. What meaning, question?"
Oh. We never used that word before? I mean now that I think about it we didn't really have conversations where it would come up but still.
"Scar is the word for wounds that have healed but left a permanent and visible mark on you." I explained and I could feel my breath quicken but thankfully I got it under control before it even had the chance to turn into a panic attack.
"Okay. Eridian word is: ♫♪♪♬♪."
I looked around for my weird laptop constellation and luckily it wasn't to far away so I quickly got up and added it to our language system and sat down against Rocky's xenonite ball again. There was something very comforting about the heat it gave of while the sturdiness was grounding.
"Still not understand why struggle is reason for scars. Someone hurt Grace, question?"
"I mean yeah," I chuckled awkwardly, "But none of them are the reason for my scars," I took another deep breath, "I did that all on my own." I thought back to all those lonely nights in which I grabbed for a blade or a maybe even a glass shard. I really didn't care back then. It was stupid and dangerous I see that now but I was just so alone.
It didn't took Rocky long to understand what I said. And it freaked him out I think.
"What," His voice went down a whole octave.
"I'm not like that anymore." I tried reassuring him. And it was the truth I am not like that anymore.
Rocky stayed silent.
"I promise you I'm not doing that anymore. I was really alone and sad when I was younger. I didn't know what to do with all those bad feelings. It felt like they were suffocating me and the only way I could survive was doing these things," I don't know why but all of the sudden everything just spilled out of me and I couldn't stop, "I'm not proud of it that's why I didn't want you to know."
With every new word my breath speed up again.
"I was just so tired and I didn't feel anything at all or I felt everything too much." I could feel the tears falling down my face and I couldn't breathe anymore. I needed to breathe. I tried taking deep breaths, I tried counting to ten, I tried concentrating on my surrounding but nothing helped I just couldn't breathe.
"Grace."
Someone called my name? I felt so detached from everything I wasn't sure if that wasn't just my imagination but then there was it again but louder and more urgent, "Grace!"
Still, my body didn't seem to care and continued to hyperventilate. The only thing I could do was bury my hands in my hair and pull. It helped a little. It always did.
After a few minutes there was a banging at my back. It wasn't violent or really strong either it felt more like a clock. It was the rhythm in which I should be breathing in.
Wait. I slowly tried to match the banging and while it took me a decent time to not feel like I was dying it did work. Now why was there a banging in the exact right rhythm of my normal breathing?
"Grace, question?" I heard Rocky asking scared.
Rocky! Right I wasn't alone, not anymore.
"Rocks," I whispered still slightly out of breath.
"Scared me."
"I'm sorry."
"Grace okay, question?"
"Yeah. I'm okay now. That banging was that you?"
"Yes. Was help, question?"
God Rocky sounded so scared and helpless. That poor guy had just seen me have a panic attack. He probably thought I was dying. Hell I thought I was dying!
"Yes. You were a great help. Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I guess it just doesn't get easier to talk about my scars."
"Grace not need talk about scars anymore. Rocky not want Grace sad."
"It's alright. I haven't talked about it for a while but sometimes you just gotta let it all out. I think it helped."
It really did in some way. I was so anxious about them the last few days the panic attack was coming either way so I'm kinda glad it happened this way and not when I was doing a spacewalk or something. And now I know Rocky isn't weirded out by my scars he's just worried which is understandable and kinda sweet too.
"But Grace in no danger anymore, question?
"Oh no. Haven't done that for a long time. The scars are just permanent, you know? They're not gonna go away but that's okay."
"Grace brave and strong."
"I'm trying to be."
"Rocky proud of Grace." Rocky declared softly? I never heard him sound like that but it felt comforting and reminded me of my mother singing me a lullaby when I was younger.
I leaned sideways on the xenonite and put my head on his ball. The warmth seeped into my whole body and made me feel tired.
"Grace tired, question? Sleep on bed better."
"I'd rather stay here for awhile if that's okay with you." I let out a tiny yawn.
"Okay. You sleep I watch. Grace save always."
Rocky was using that soft tone again and I wished he would never stop talking like that.