Chapter Text
Luo Binghe wouldn't cry. He wouldn't. He wasn't going to cry.
But, but, but—
Ning Yingying opened the door to her dorm room, confused and then very concerned. "A-Luo?! What's wrong?"
Luo Binghe wouldn't cry. Unfortunately, the effort of not crying was making words impossible.
Ning Yingying instantly folded him into her room, where it seemed like she'd been having a sleepover with Liu Mingyan. A pile of sweets purchased from town was half eaten next to a tall stack of yellow books, combs weighing down paper with scribbled notes, and Liu Mingyan herself was sitting cross-legged on the bed in her sleeping robes, veil nowhere to be seen, frowning at one of the books.
A gentle nudge from Ning Yingying encouraged him towards the bed, and he let himself fold onto it face-down, undignified in his distress.
"A-Luo?" Ning Yingying pressed, patting his shoulder and making the bed bounce as she got onto it herself. "What happened?"
"Shizun..."
The mattress shifted as both girls leaned closer.
"Shizun doesn't like men."
Twin gasps validated his near wail.
"What?" said Liu Mingyan, shocked.
"Like, not any of them?" Ning Yingying added, baffled.
"That's what he said..." Luo Binghe whimpered, tears escaping despite his efforts.
"Not—not even Sect Leader Yue?" Liu Mingyan demanded. She seemed nearly as upset by this revelation as he had been.
"Not even Liu-shishu?" Ning Yingying said, more mystified than anything else.
Luo Binghe, for his part, had been finding a silver lining in the fact that if he didn't stand a chance, at least neither of his biggest rivals did either. "That's what he said..."
Well, what he had actually said was, I'm a straight man, and then, upon seeing Luo Binghe's bafflement, Shang-shishu, who had been taking tea with him, had clarified, That means he's only attracted to women, and not men.
Then Shizun had stared at Shang-shishu like he'd transformed into a Waxed Moon Hare in front of them and hurriedly kicked Luo Binghe out, which left him to run not-crying into his childhood friend's arms, too distressed by this new information to skulk around the perimeter like he otherwise would have.
"Like... not any?" said Ning Yingying. "Weird."
Yeah. Luo Binghe didn't really get it either. People who wrote off an entire gender like that were few and far between, and didn't usually need to clarify it unless they were beating off inherently-hopeless suitors with a stick.
...Unfortunately, it seemed like his Shizun was one of those people. Even more unfortunately, it was Luo Binghe's gender.
"Ahhh, it seems like A-Luo's love is doomed," Ning Yingying sighed, genuinely sad for him but containing all the tact and delicacy of a Blood Moon Rhinoceros-Python. "That's so sad!"
He hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes and crawled up onto the bed proper. With all the dogged determination of a boy who'd been a starving street rat before he'd clawed his way up to favored cultivation sect disciple, he grimly said, "No, it's not. I'm going to fix this."
Liu Mingyan's eyes flickered with an unholy light. "With the nectar of the Yin-Yang Chrysanthemum? Or maybe tea of Everlasting Love Rose buds?"
The Yin-Yang Chrysanthemum's nectar, when administered in small doses over a long period of time, could shift someone's... tastes permanently towards men as a whole. Everlasting Love Rose tea was a much slower-acting and permanent love potion that carved the victim's personality towards whatever suited the target best.
"Of course not," Luo Binghe said scathingly. "Shizun is perfect exactly the way he is." He raised his chin. "It's me that I need to fix. I need to become a girl."
Liu Mingyan stared at him with so much betrayal you'd think he kicked her puppy in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation. Ning Yingying, who had looked a bit disapproving about her friend's particular brand of matchmaking plans, now looked as though he'd handed her a puppy, a stack of her favorite hair ribbons, and a qiankun pouch full of homemade sweets.
"Oh, A-Luo!" she cried delightedly, clasping his hands. "Let me help! You'll make such a cute girl, I just know it!"
He suppressed the reflex to yank his hands away, instead smiling with the odd warmth that tickled his heart. "Thank you, Ning-shijie."
"Ming-er, you help us out too!"
Liu Mingyan looked like she was sucking a lemon, but nodded all the same.
The three of them traipsed to the library together, where they went through a number of books and scrolls looking for the cure to Luo Binghe's problem.
Liu Mingyan was the one to find the scroll in question—thankfully, her constantly moving it to the back of their pile was not as subtle as she thought—and when they rolled it open, they found a wealth of options.
Luo Binghe immediately crossed off all the temporary options, to Liu Mingyan's pronounced sulk, and then held a brief debate with Ning Yingying about the merits of using an aphrodisiac version. Luo Binghe was favorable towards the idea, but Ning Yingying raised an unfortunately good point that if Shizun came upon him in that state, his immediate reaction would probably be to drag him to Mu-shishu instead of taking care of him himself. Having functional reproductive organs was non-negotiable as well; if he was going to become a girl, he insisted on having all the perks—and, anyway, what kind of wife would he be if he couldn't even be im-impre—if he couldn't even give Shizun ch-children?
"Ah, A-Luo is so cute," Ning Yingying told him, grinning, while he squirmed in his seat with a burning face. "Do you have names picked out already?"
He did, but she didn't need to know that.
That left a solid five options, three of which were flowers or blood pills Mu-shishu probably had on hand already and two of which required travel and rituals. There really were a surprising number of ways to turn into a girl available to those who looked...
He and Ning Yingying agreed to go to Qian Cao peak tomorrow to discuss his options with Mu-shishu, and then Luo Binghe realized he was late for starting Shizun's dinner, and bolted back to the bamboo house with barely a goodbye.
"There is my disciple—tardy!" said Shizun disapprovingly when Luo Binghe staggered through the front door, then, at Luo Binghe's desperate, terrified apologies, thumped him gently with a fan. "This master was teasing you, Binghe. There, there. Up. Do you need to rest?"
Luo Binghe shook his head frantically, unable to look at his master's face for more than a split second at a time. The warmth there was unbearable to a lowly beast like him.
"Hm," said Shizun, not quite believing, but then he patted(!) Luo Binghe's(!) head(!!!). Gently: "My disciple shouldn't push himself too hard. This master won't be disappointed with whatever he makes."
Face burning, Luo Binghe managed a squeak of assent, then escaped to the kitchen before he could further embarrass himself.
Over an unfortunately simple dinner of only five courses, Luo Binghe decided to press for a few pertinent details.
"Asking Shizun's forgiveness for this lowly one's impropriety, but... well..." He swallowed heavily, but his voice still came out breathless when he said, "Shizun said he liked... girls?"
Shizun paused with his chopsticks halfway to his mouth. With a flicker of something Luo Binghe hadn't yet learned to decode passing through his eyes, he carefully said, "This master did, yes."
"If this lowly one might ask... what sort of girl does Shizun prefer?"
It might have been a trick of the light, but it almost looked like Shizun paled. "And why might my disciple wish to know a thing like that?"
In order to become absolutely irresistible to you, Luo Binghe couldn't say unless he wanted to die, so he scrambled for an excuse, cheeks burning. "W-well, Shizun seems... quite discerning. This disciple was merely curious."
Shizun put the bite in his mouth, looking pensive for a moment before his expression cleared. "Ah, so my disciple wants advice."
Luo Binghe nodded, because it was true, after a fashion.
"Well..." He leaned back and searched the corners of the ceiling, giving the question some thought. "She should be kind, with a level head. Loyal." His expression darkened and he pointed his chopsticks at Luo Binghe. "Not cruel or erratic. That is much more trouble than it's worth, no matter how attractive she is."
Luo Binghe nodded, mentally taking notes. Not exactly the information he'd been looking for, but... useful, nonetheless. He could stand to work on his personality, it seemed. 'Loyal' was the only trait he could claim with certainty.
"And... in terms of attractiveness?" he pushed, biting the inside of his cheek at his daring. "What... features does Shizun prefer?"
Shizun's impassive face managed to convey mild bemusement. His fan opened over the lower half of his face. "That all comes down to personal compatibility, doesn't it?"
Not helpful!
"I mean, if there are any physical features that may cause Shizun's eyes to... linger. A bit." Luo Binghe just wanted to know if he liked tall and slender, or short and full, or wider around the middle, or...
A pause, then, carefully, "A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl. There's no quantifying that."
Luo Binghe didn't faceplant in his plate, but he was tempted. In bravery born of frustration, he asked, "What of this humble disciple's looks? Is he beautiful?"
Shizun, who had just lowered his fan to continue his meal, froze. He blinked twice, and then the corners of his mouth quirked up in an absolutely devastating hint of a smile. "What brought this on?"
Too busy trying and failing to remind his lungs how to breathe, Luo Binghe didn't respond, only blushed and looked to the side. He was unaware of the effect—or existence—of the full pout on his mouth, or the way his long eyelashes looked against his pink cheeks.
It was that look that compelled his beloved Shizun to say, "Binghe is the most beautiful, of course. He has no need to compare himself to others."
Luo Binghe's head snapped up, eyes huge and skin flaming scarlet. Most beautiful?! Binghe?! His heart and stomach were doing some dangerous feats of acrobatics now.
"Ah," said Shizun, now looking faintly embarrassed. The fan had snapped up, a bit higher this time. "Male beauty, of course. I didn't intend to, ah, imply anything offensive." He released a breath that was slightly harsher than the others. "Needless to say, Binghe himself has nothing to worry about in the looks department. This master knows he could easily seduce any shijie or shimei he wanted."
What about any Shizun? his heart cried out, but quietly. It was drowned out and torn asunder by the euphoric rush of being considered beautiful by his unbearably enchanting master.
"Oh," he finally managed to squeak after a too-long silence, then buried himself in his meal and dared not speak for the rest of the night.
After a very distracted breakfast, chores, and his required classes, Luo Binghe met up with Ning Yingying at the Rainbow Bridge to visit Qian Cao.
Mu-shishu looked mildly bemused when they explained Luo Binghe's request to him.
"This master... understands," he said in a tone that said he did no such thing. "If this master may ask, what are Luo-shizhi reasons for wishing for such a change?"
"This lowly disciple always felt closer to his yin energies," Luo Binghe lied through his teeth, casting his eyes downward and summoning a blush in a show of shyness. "And my female peers have always understood my heart better than... the others." Half-truth; Ning-shijie, female, was the only one who had even bothered attempting. "After some... recent events... I realized that... I want it—more than anything." Truth, phrased misleadingly.
Beside him, Ning Yingying nodded emphatically.
Mu-shishu softened considerably. "Very well. Let us discuss Luo-shizhi's options."
One of the first options he offered hadn't appeared in the scroll—a transformation pill to shift the body into its 'true' self, which Luo Binghe vehemently rejected out of hand. Such a thing could only lead to him being revealed as the beastly half-demon he was. Mu-shishu looked like he would like to pat Luo Binghe's head at his reaction, but thankfully refrained. That was a gesture Luo Binghe would accept from Shizun and Shizun alone.
Then he offered a slow and gentle treatment over the course of months or years, that would let Luo Binghe slowly acclimate to the bodily changes and course-correct in case anything didn't turn out the way he wanted. It was less bad than the first option, but 'patience' was not among his virtues and he was slightly worried about Shizun's reaction to the whole thing if he had too much time to think about it.
The next offer was one that took a week, but would keep him infirmary-bound for the duration, and Luo Binghe didn't trust anyone else with Shizun's meals, especially not for that length of time!!
Mu-shishu then sighed and offered a treatment that would only take twelve full shichen, in exchange for being in severe pain as his bones reshaped and his fat shifted and his guts added a whole new organ system.
Given that that was the treatment he had been angling for, Luo Binghe agreed immediately.
The next day, Ning Yingying came up with an excuse for him for Shizun—roped into an overnight hunt by his shixiongs—and Luo Binghe went to Qian Cao.
The process was just as painful as promised, but Luo Binghe couldn't argue with the results.
After a brisk, if invasive, inspection of his—her—new equipment, Mu-shishu had pronounced her in fine working order and left her alone with a mirror.
She was surprised to find she liked her new body as much as she did. She wasn't quite as developed as she had originally hoped, but she was still a month out from the age of sixteen and her breasts held promise. So did her hips and thighs. Her face hadn't changed much, but it suited her. The lines of her figure were graceful and sinuous, the way she had observed on girls with interest—and perhaps, in hindsight, a touch of envy.
She tested out a few poses in the mirror—ones copied from her shijie when they were blatantly attempting to flirt—and nodded in satisfaction. She was cute, and, most importantly, cute in a way that Shizun would finally appreciate properly.
Shizun's first act upon realizing she was a girl was to try to kick her out of the bamboo house.
"Binghe," he said, with his patience clearly hanging on by a thread. His impeccable immortal face was shattered by the way he was pinching the bridge of his nose with a flush on his cheeks. "It's simply not appropriate. A fully-grown man and a teenage girl sharing a home, just the two of them, is—it's not good."
Luo Binghe was very close to stomping her foot in frustration, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "But—Shizun, it's just us. It was fine before..."
Humiliatingly, their scene was witnessed by Shang-shishu, Qi-shigu, and Liu Mingyan, all of whom were watching it like a theater production.
Luo Binghe knew that Liu Mingyan's gaze read, I told you so, and she refused to give into the bait.
"Before, we were both men," Shizun snapped, like Luo Binghe was the obtuse one. "I will not have people saying I'm a lecher to my own students for having a girl living under my roof unsupervised."
Luo Binghe's lower lip quivered as tears stung her eyes, and she let them. "But—but—how will I make breakfast on time? How will I have enough time for studying if I—"
"Binghe, you don't have to act as my wife—in fact, that, too, is highly inapp—Binghe?!"
She sank her teeth into her lip, trying to stifle a mortifyingly real sob. "So now that Binghe is a girl, she is—unwelcome?" Her fingers curled in the too-short robes that Ning Yingying lent her. "Is th-this disciple that—that useless?" Her voice broke, and tears splashed down her cheeks completely unbidden. "That just being a girl could make—make her—?"
Shizun made a soft noise that some might call a groan, and Luo Binghe flinched, terrified of what might come next.
What came next was an infinitely gentle hug that pressed all her new curves against the soft robes of her shizun, surrounding her in the scent of bamboo and incense and tea—the smell of home as she had come to know it over the past six months.
"There, there," he murmured, the timbre of his voice shivering down her spine and vibrating against her nose where it now pressed against his neck. Sure, graceful hands caressed her head, petting her curls. "This master... was too harsh. Binghe has done nothing wrong. Begging Binghe's forgiveness for disrespecting his—her work. He—she is an invaluable help to this old man and he shouldn't dream of taking it lightly, there, there."
Luo Binghe folded into him and sobbed her heart out, and secured a promise that she could stay at the bamboo house on the condition that she not hold any unsavory rumors against him at any point in time, and that she would try to 'fix' her situation (she could have sworn he muttered asinine excuse for papapa-ass plot device under his breath for a moment, but it was so out of character she couldn't quite believe it) as soon as possible.
The first, she swore easily, and the second she made a vague noise that could perhaps be generously interpreted as agreement—she'd spent three shichen dry heaving from the pain of growing a womb from scratch. If Shizun wanted her to get rid of it, he was going to have to perform the surgery himself!!
Walking back into the house, she caught Liu Mingyan's gaze and let the corner of her mouth curl in a brief smirk. Told you so.
Liu Mingyan glared.
(Shang-shishu was also giving her a very strange look as she passed, but the man was beneath her notice until she had to deal with An Ding Peak, so she didn't pay it much attention.)
Given that she was planning to be in this body for the foreseeable future, she couldn't exactly go on stealing Ning Yingying's disciple robes; not only did her friend need them herself, but they were shaped differently. Her own uniform fit even worse—girl-Luo Binghe was a handful of cun taller than boy-Luo Binghe, and definitely had a lot more hip.
Luo Binghe gave it a week, and then knelt before her shizun and pressed her forehead to the ground in supplication, wearing her own uniform. "Begging my master's pardon, but this disciple... has need of better-fitted uniforms. So that she may go on without disgracing her master."
Shizun remained silent for a moment, then said, "But, surely the cure to Binghe's condition will be found... soon?"
Luo Binghe was already shaking her head as she sat back on her heels. "It is slow going."
(Which was to say, she had said nothing to anyone about it, and had sworn Mu-shishu to secrecy over the origin of her 'condition'.)
"Hmm," said Shizun thoughtfully, then nodded. "I'll write a letter to An Ding for your new robes. It was about time you received bigger ones anyway." A note of fondness slipped into his voice. "Ah, youth. Always shooting up like beanstalks, the lot of you."
Luo Binghe remained silent, feeling heat steal up around her ears at his tone. She was seized by the urge to ask for another hug, but—no, she was already being too impertinent. She didn't dare.
For her restraint, she earned a few more headpats(!!!) that she was very careful to suppress her squeak about. From the way tingles gathered in her belly, she was suddenly very glad the awkwardly large thing between her legs was no longer present to give them away.
...Actually. That had potential. If she didn't need to find somewhere to cool off as soon as her beloved master started showing her a little too much affection...
She shook the thought off and smiled up at him, cheeks tinged pink—cheeks which were pinched harshly and then given a little bit of a shake when she squeaked. Shizun stared down at her with remote, icy calm.
"Sh-Shizun?!" she yelped, words slurred by his fingers.
He let go, then ruffled her hair and said gravely, "As long as you understand."
Luo Binghe didn't understand even a little bit, but nodded quickly nonetheless.
He sent her off with a small pouch full of an allowance with which to pick up some things for herself from the market, if she wanted.
She was planning to get one or two things to appease Shizun before hoarding the rest like the street rat she was, but then Ning Yingying found her and brought along her own allowance to spend on Luo Binghe's looks—c'mon A-Luo, at least one pretty hanfu, she'd wheedled—and that was how Luo Binghe found herself wandering between market stalls with Ning Yingying in tow, skimming goods for her own ornamentation.
It was more fun than she expected.
She hadn't had the highest opinion of rich young ladies when she'd been fighting dogs for scraps, but she now that she was one (kind of), she found twirling and strutting in her new pink-and-green hanfu came with a certain kind of delight that she hadn't previously known existed.
Ning Yingying was overjoyed. The other shijie were too old to do this and she didn't get to spend time with the Xian Shu disciples often, except for Liu Mingyan, who was less interested than she was. To finally have a friend who understood...! And for that friend to be A-Luo...! And A-Luo was so cute!
She found a collection of hair sticks in pretty colors, some patterned hair ribbons, and basic cosmetics and made Luo Binghe inspect them all.
Luo Binghe, for her part, was caught between tolerant gratitude and genuine enjoyment. She hadn't exactly expected being a girl to be fun in its own right, but she wasn't about to take issue with it now.
Ning Yingying helped her carry the goods back to the bamboo house and put them away just in time for Luo Binghe to start on Shizun's dinner, and hugged her on the way out.
Luo Binghe stared into her empty room for a long moment, contemplating the feeling of not immediately wanting to bathe after anyone except Shizun touched her, then remembered she had an important task ahead of her and made her way to the kitchen.
She didn't tell Shizun about the hanfu, which turned out to be a good thing, because a few days later, with the arrival of her new robes, came another parcel, which contained a second hanfu.
It was considerably finer than her first, closer in quality to a peak lord's daily robes than anything any disciple should be touching, much less a half-bred mongrel like her, but—he said it was hers.
"Let it not be said that this master deprives his personal disciple of proper finery when the occasion calls for it," he said in a careless, selfish tone she was just starting to decode as 'defensive'. Then, more genuinely, "...Do you like it?"
Luo Binghe traced the delicate white lotus motif—white-on-white embroidery on the second robe, stitched into the hems of the gentle bamboo-green top robe, dyed with negative space into the white-to-forest green faded silk outer robe—and failed to breathe around the knot in her throat, only managing a small, jerky nod.
She barely heard his relieved breath.
It didn't mean anything. It couldn't mean anything. It shouldn't mean anything, because—purity in spite of the circumstances, white blossom untouched by the muddy waters of its origins, wasn't... wasn't that all a bit much to apply to Luo Binghe?
She opened her mouth and squeaked out, "Lotuses?"
"Hm," he said, and took a sip of the tea she'd just poured for them both. "This master thought it was fitting for one such as Binghe."
She bit the inside of her cheek until it bled while her body tried to force every last drop of blood she had into her face. She brought the package almost to her face before she thought twice about risking that blood anywhere near it. "Oh," she said faintly. "Thank you."
(Shen Qingqiu watched the protagonist over the rim of his cup. This was decidedly less kowtowing and babbling than he'd expected over the surprise gift, but...
There was a faint tremor in her hands, star-bright obsidian eyes wider and rounder than saucers, the skin of her face xiuhefu-red as she stared at the cloth, utterly aghast.
...Well. This was good too.)