Chapter Text
Athazagoraphobia - The fear of being forgotten
Being forgotten was one of Lance’s biggest fears.
It’s why he makes himself known whenever he enters a room. It’s why he is the loudest person in said room at most given times. It’s why he fills even the most comfortable silences with the sound of his own voice.
So he didn’t know why he didn’t say anything when it was detrimental to his future as a paladin.
After Shiro had gone missing, Lance took over the red lion. The red lion was not pleased one bit and only opened up to him because the situation called for it. But she made it clear, this was not her choosing him and in no way is he her paladin. Lance saw why she liked Keith so much.
Allura took over piloting Blue. Selfishly, Lance thought that he hoped Blue relayed a similar message to Allura that Red had delivered to him but immediately felt guilty for being jealous over a lion. Plus, Blue was accepting, she would have no problem with Allura piloting her. Or anyone for that matter. That thought made Lance feel a little less special. A little less like a paladin and just the guy who had been there at the right time. A place holder amongst fate.
So, when Shiro came back to the team, the first thing Lance realized was that there were now too many paladins. It made him spiral at night thinking that his time with Voltron as a paladin was coming to an end. But he didn’t really see it any other way. Blame it on his lack of confidence but he’d rather be useless than be in the way. Obviously it made sense for Allura to be a paladin. Her father was one. Her father created the lions in the first place. They were tied to her life force.
And obviously Keith would go back to Red. The team had confirmed that in a very indirect way. Shiro telling him that he was excited to fly with his brother again and the rest of the team randomly referring to Keith as ‘the red paladin’ instead of black like they had been. Plus, Red made it very clear that she didn’t want to deal with Lance. So, that left Lance back in the castle in his regular clothes, while everyone else flew off in their lions. No one really said anything as they all got into their lions and Lance did not. There was no confirmation, no explanation, and definitely no empathy. He got a small pat on the back from Coran and a small smile. No one asked why Lance hadn’t gotten his lion back. And the answer was because he didn’t have a lion.
__
Lance lazily sat in his chair on the main deck with Coran. It’s been a month or two since he ‘gave up’ his lion for the new paladin team. He didn’t do anything much of use these days.
They watched a live video feed of the rest of the team arguing as they fought a small Galran fleet. Allura and Shiro clashed a bit as both their leader personalities tried to take charge. It had been a frequent thing in the months they had been flying together. It was confusing the other three paladins and causing unnecessary arguments. Keith had a permanent scowl embedded on his face that was deeper than it usually was. Lance let out a small snort at his annoyance.
“Okay team,” Shiro sounded annoyed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “We’re forming Voltron.” This shouldn’t have been much of a problem. Even if Shiro and Allura specifically never formed Voltron together, they still had a bond outside of Voltron and with their individual lions. Lance leaned forward in his seat.
They all got into formation and began their ascend. It was weird watching it happen since Lance was always the one doing the forming. He hasn’t gotten used to it. He watched as they flew together, perfectly in sync. But…
But nothing happened. Again.
“Uh, are you guys focusing? Are we all focusing and thinking ‘robot’?” Hunk questioned the team. Keith slapped a hand over his face and quickly broke formation.
“Whatever! Just take down these damn ships.” Keith bit out. When Keith led the team, it was like this for a bit as well. A few days. But Allura seemed to lack the ability to know when to back down, fighting for what she thinks is correct. That’s what makes her and Keith different. Though Keith is a fighter, he knows when to back down when it comes to people he trusts. It was one of the first things Lance admired about Allura but now it was impacting their ability to form Voltron, which means they were in trouble.
___
“You need to know when to lead and when to be a paladin.” Shiro said to Allura in a low tone as if not to make her angrier or aggravate the situation at hand. Allura brows still furrowed together. They were now all on the main deck with Coran and Lance after somehow beating the fleet. Lance continued sitting in his chair feeling useless as he watched them argue back and forth.
“If I think you’re making a bad call, then I am going to step in.”
“Come on, Allura.” Hunk said. “This is Shiro we’re talking about. We can trust him.”
“But you can’t disagree that Shiro has been making some questionable calls.” Pidge stepped in. That statement alone sent the paladins into an argument. Lance knew stepping in right now would be a bad idea. He didn't really feel a part of the team at the moment. They barely acknowledged his existence. Hunk was still Hunk and saw the good in all of his friends. So, whenever Lance would go talk to him he thought that Lance was dramatizing everything he was saying.
Shiro doesn’t hate you because you feel like he puts in no effort to get to know you, Lance. And Pidge sees you as an older brother, she does not think you’re an idiot, Lance. And lastly, I know you and Keith were getting closer but he did not stop talking to you because he got Red back. He’s just busy, Lance. He stopped going to Hunk. Keith gave him an odd look whenever he came around, so he tried to stay out of his way. There was no rivalry between them, Keith had won. He had his lion, he was a paladin of Voltron, a Blade of Marmora, and he was a part of this team. He had his purpose here.
It would be different if maybe he was given a daily task or something, but Allura still handles the diplomacy part of Voltron and she didn’t need Lance to do anything. Coran gave him here and there, like cleaning the med bay, but the more important jobs required him to know a bit of Altean and no one was around to help him out. Forget even going to Pidge, he tried that once and was almost mauled by her.
So, like he said, stepping in between the argument going on right now would be a bad idea. They were all angry and having a talking Lance on top of that was never a good mixture.
But, his fear of being forgotten outweighed just about everything else.
He stood up and walked to the team of Paladins and he already knew that this was a bad idea by the way Shiro looked at him just for being in the same three foot radius of them. He opened his mouth anyway.
“Guys, guys.” He slung an arm over Hunk and Keith (who pushed him off as soon as his arm touched him), “What’s with the hostility? Whatever happened out there, coulda been a lot worse. I actually think you guys are getting better. In fact, with a bit more bonding exercises-”
“Are you insulting us right now?” Allura glared in his direction. He furrowed his eyebrows because he was being genuine.
“What? I-”
“The last thing we need is whatever you feel the need to say right now, Lance. It’s not helpful.” Pidge interrupted and crossed her arms.
“I was just saying-” Lance tried again.
“Your lack of comprehension and direction is truly laughable right now.” Shiro closed his eyes in annoyance. “It’s exactly why you’re not piloting the Blue lion. You are not needed here.”
Oh.
Okay. Well.
It’s not like he didn’t already know that but hearing it out of Shiro out of all people was probably not something that he needed. Hearing out loud at all was what was making his insides burn as if he was about to start crying. A part of him hoped it was just his own head convincing him that he didn’t belong here anymore. But the silence that stretched throughout the deck confirmed that maybe Shiro wasn’t the only person that felt like that. What he needed to do right now was to get out of here and stop embarrassing himself further. He needed to get out.
His mouth opened and closed a couple of times as he tried to get something out. Say anything, he told himself. Crack a joke. Don’t make them worry. Then he thought, as if they would. He furrowed his eyebrows and turned away from the paladins. Away from the deck. Away from his team, the people that were supposed to be his families after he was forced into this war.
He ended up back in his room. It used to be a safe place, his room. Now it just felt like four walls compressing him in. What was he supposed to do now? Since he was a kid he wanted to discover worlds beyond the milky way galaxy. And he achieved his dreams. He became greater than he ever thought he could. He was proud of himself for a long time when he first started fighting in this war. He was important, he was seeing the stars, he was piloting. He had succeeded. Now, he had none of that. He just wanted to give up on this war and just go back home to his family.
Logically, he knew that Shiro probably just said that to him out of frustration. Shiro can be extra insulting when he’s angry and he’s never said anything like that to Lance before. But there had to be a breaking point. He had thought that the breaking point would be a bit more dramatic. He was prone to anxiety attacks so he was surprised when he didn’t feel his chest tightening, his heart speeding up and that feeling of impending doom.
Maybe it was because confirmation was doing more good than he had realized. He wasn’t needed here. He could leave now…and make himself proud once more. He didn’t have to worry about who he was disappointing, and how his skills will never be on par with anyone on the team, or the loneliness. Because being alone in a castle full of people is a lot lonelier than floating around in space.
He could leave.
In his room, he had a wall dedicated to the pictures the team had taken over time while being in space. Smiling faces and humor filled memories. It feels like a distant past now. He can barely remember the last time they had a successful bonding exercise. Lance stalked over to his wall, getting a closer look at the pictures. There was a photo of him and Keith when they somehow got stuck on a planet together for a couple hours. The locals had taken a liking to Keith and had spent the majority of the time they were stuck there chasing him around. It became a game after a while for Lance and Keith. Lance had grabbed the camera as they were being chased and had taken a photo the exact moment Keith let out a laugh. A loud and genuine laugh. The first one that Lance has ever heard from him.
He ripped it from his wall.
He ripped them all from his wall. Hunk baking cookies, the sleepover in the common room, the time they all got exposed to an alien equivalent of laughing gas. He tore the memories away. Because they meant nothing now. And he didn’t mean that in a hateful way. He didn’t hate any of them, they were just caught up in this war. It was bittersweet if anything. A new beginning. He was no longer needed here.
So, he’d leave.
___
Lance didn’t plan on taking much with him. He’d take his armour just because he needed it out in the vastness of space. He took his regular clothes and some food. He grabbed a bag and stuffed everything in it. The only thing he was missing was some med kits. Which he would have to get from the med bay, which means he had to leave his room.
It had been a couple of hours since that incident with Shiro, so he assumed that it would be safe to walk out and not run into anyway on his way to the med bay to avoid any questions. Or just to avoid them.
He poked his head out of his room and checked both sides of the hallway just to make sure no one was there. Once he saw that it was clear, he made his way towards the med bay. He made sure to wear his jacket just in case he did run into someone, so that way he would already have the medkits tucked away.
He had his get away plan set in stone. He would wait till early in the morning just so he is sure that everyone is 100% asleep. Pidge didn’t usually fall asleep till about three a.m. He would take one of the small ships from the castle, it only had a cockpit and a bunkroom but would be fine for all his needs. He knew that the castleship would send out a small alarm to Coran and Allura when one of the hangar doors opened so he would need to disable the alarm. And then he should be out, free. Call him impulsive but this is happening tonight.
What happens after that will have to be determined later.
Just as he’s about to pass the common room and enter the med bay when he hears the sound of voices. He pauses and presses his back to the wall before someone sees him.
“-we’re going to fail!” Shiro’s voice said. “We have to come up with a way to work together soon or we are going to lose this war.”
“I hear you.” Allura. “But hear me. You’re different. I don’t know what happened to you but you’re going to get people hurt.” He heard Shiro sigh.
“Guess I’m…just not feeling myself.” Shiro answered. “I’ll try harder. But princess, stick to being the Blue paladin for now. You’re a great leader but having two of us is what is going to get people hurt.” Lance didn’t hear a response to that so he assumed she nodded.
“...What about Lance?” Another voice. Keith. The sound of his name being said sent a ping of anxiety through his ribcage. Nothing was said for a beat.
“I mean…he was originally the blue paladin and we kind of just pushed him to the side. Is that fair?” Was Keith…defending him?
“We did what was best for Voltron.” Allura said simply.
“What makes him wrong for Voltron? At least then we could actually form Voltron.”
“I’m sure Lance likes it better here in the castle rather than fighting in a war.” Shiro remarked.
“Do you genuinely believe that? We can at least give him something to do so he doesn’t feel like he doesn’t belong here.” Shiro made a grunt noise.
“You know I didn’t mean it like that-”
“But that's what you said. To his face.”
“Lance’s feelings are the least of our problems right now. We are in the middle of a war. Last time I checked, you felt the same way. What makes you so sensitive to his feelings all of a sudden.”
Keith was quiet for a moment. Lance needed to get out of here. He tip toes to the other side of the hallway.
“I realized something.” He heard Keith say before slipping into the med bay. Lance didn’t even want to begin unpacking what any of that meant.
Lance rummaged around the med bay until he found what he was looking for. Two medkits equipped with gauze, the Altean equivalent to alcohol, needle and thread, syringe, some random creams, and blue lion bandaids. He stuffed them into the large inside pockets of his jacket and went on his way.
By the time Lance came out of the med bay, there was no one in the common room. He assumed that they all finally went to bed. It was only about ten pm, so he still had a few hours before he initiated anything.
He thought about what he would do once he left. Go back to Earth? That would be great. Being able to see his family again would be awesome. But what about this war? Zarkon could destroy Earth in an instant if he wasn’t stopped. But that was what team Voltron was for. But…with the way they’re performing, they wouldn’t be able to take in Zarkon anytime soon.
Lance was at a loss. He didn’t know what his purpose was at the ripe age of eighteen. He was a bit too young to be having a mid-life crisis.
Lance walked through the hallway deep in thought. He almost made it to his room when-
“Lance.” Lance swore he jumped two feet in the air when Keith’s voice reached his ears. Keith stood outside his own door which happened to be just across from Lance’s.
“Oh! What’s- uh, up buddy?” Lance tried to play off the fact Keith had scared him. Keith scratched the back of his head lightly and looked away from Lance.
“I-uh, actually wanted to talk to you. About something.” Lance’s face evened out. Talk to him? They haven’t had an actual conversation in months. It made Lance curious but bitter.
“You want to talk,” Lance deadpanned, “To me…” Lance gave him a look of disbelief and Keith rolled his eyes.
“Look, I know…we haven’t talked much since…” Since he was booted from being a paladin. “And look, what Shiro said wasn’t cool. And it made me realize that you might feel excluded.” Lance could stare at the guy. It was almost like he was apologizing?
“And we were…friends. I guess I kinda enjoyed being friends with you…And I shouldn’t have pulled away when things got hard. I’m still working on my avoidant…issues.” Keith started looking red in the face, embarrassed by the words he wasn’t used to saying.
“Not that that is an excuse. I don’t think. I mean, I didn’t think that you would be bothered if we stopped being close. I mean not that you are bothered but…I thought it wasn’t very significant for you. Until today and Hunk said what he said after you left-”
“Huh? What did Hunk say?” Lance interrupted Keith’s nervous rambling. Keith looked up at him.
“That you might feel forgotten.” Lance sighed at the honesty. Hunk still knew him all too well. “And it was supposed to be Hunk that came and talked to you but Pidge dragged him off to wherever and I figured that I wanted to apologize and make things clear because things aren’t working out, and everything feels…off without you on our team.” Lance makes a noise of confusion, looking Keith in the eyes.
“I honestly think that you need to be the blue paladin.” Keith said confidently, nervousness leaving his body completely. Lance sighed again. “You were meant to be the blue paladin. A-and I know I told you that destiny and fate aren’t real but…maybe I was wrong. We didn’t have nearly this many problems. Especially not with forming Voltron. And I know it may be a bit rude, or whatever, to ask Allura to step down or even Shiro at this point, but something needs to happen.” Lance looked away from him. He was grateful that Keith was talking to him right now out of everybody. But he heard how Allura sounded earlier and how they all looked at him when they were on the deck. Allura will not just give her spot up, not now at least. Lance doubted anyone wanted him in the way again, let alone needed him.
Except Keith, apparently.
Lance smiled softly at him. This was something he really needed to hear, that someone wanted him here. That someone was paying attention to his presence.
But it was only making it harder to leave.
Maybe if Keith said this to him earlier, he would’ve fought harder for his spot but he had already given it up mentally. He didn’t want to disappoint Keith though.
“You’re right. I do miss being a paladin and maybe I should’ve said something earlier and this wouldn’t be happening right now. But I’ll be sure to talk to Allura and Shiro.” Keith’s face lit up and Lance felt bad instantly. To his surprise, Keith put his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Lance instantly reciprocated through his confusion.
“Sorry I-” Keith pulled away just as fast and looked away, “I’ll make sure to talk to them as well.” And with that, Keith turns and walks into his own room leaving Lance in the hallway by himself. He stared at Keith’s door wondering what that was about. Never has Keith ever initiated physical affection and it made Lance wonder if there was something else bouncing around his head that caused him to apologize to Lance.
Lance shook himself out of his thoughts. Stepping back into his room, he made sure that he had everything he absolutely needed in his duffel bag. Armour, food, and med kits. He picked up that picture of him and Keith from where he ripped it off the wall and analyzed it for a second. They both looked like they were having. They could’ve been great friends. He stuffs the photo into the bag as well. He couldn’t leave it behind knowing that, this time, it was going to be his fault that he and Keith will never be more.
He thought about leaving a note for them. But he decided against it, not wanting it to be an invitation to come looking for him. Which, now that he thinks about it, they probably wouldn’t. Sure, maybe they would worry but they have better things to worry about.
On that note, Lance set his alarm for a few hours from then and laid in his bed.