Chapter Text
He was dying.
Because of a damn snake bite—ironic as hell—
Of all possible endings, of all imaginable ones… that was, perhaps, the most pathetic.
Almost laughable.
Severus Snape lived as a double agent, sometimes fighting alongside Dambuldor, sometimes alongside Voldemort, but his priority was always his own interests.
Severus Snape—spy, liar, survivor—reduced to a body on the floor, bleeding slowly to death.
It wasn't easy, nothing had ever been easy in his life, but he was never afraid to die. He had never tried to kill himself, but the idea of dying wasn't so bad. In fact, death seemed like a much-desired liberation.
Severus knew with absolute certainty that Harry Potter would win the war and kill Lord Voldemort, and Snape had done everything he could to help both sides without either of them killing him—
Until now.
Voldemort had used Nagini to attack him, uncreative in Severus's opinion. He would bleed to death; it wasn't so bad, actually it could have been worse.
"I didn't want it to be this way, Severus." Voldemort's voice was soft and gentle.
"..."
"I need to have complete control of the Elder Wand, and for that I have to kill you." The blood continued to flow.
"..."
"Do you understand my motive?" Of course.
"..."
"You were always so intelligent, I always considered you my favorite."
"..."
"Love is a weakness, Severus."
Perhaps it was.
Perhaps that was exactly why he was there dying. Severus didn't fully understand the conversation, but he realized at that moment that something was wrong; he felt no pain. His body was failing—he knew it—he felt the cold, the weight of death… but there was no pain.
Severus closed his eyes—which he could barely keep open—and accepted death, still with two red eyes watching him.
⛧°.⋆༺ the half-blood prince ༻⋆.°⛧
Severus woke up startled, his eyes wide as he sat up in bed and tried to breathe; his hand was on his throat but there was nothing there, no blood, no bite, nothing.
Looking around, he quickly realized where he was.
Hogwarts
His roommates—Avery, Mulciber, and Rosier—were fast asleep, each in their respective bed.
Severus got up, grabbed his wand, and went straight to the bathroom. He locked the door with a spell and cast others of silencing.
Only then did he allow his body to give way.
He sat on the bathroom floor, curled up, hugging his own legs and staring into nothingness. He has no idea how long he stayed like that.
"Tempus"
3:17 AM
The time Severus and his dorm mates usually woke up was around 6:00 AM, which means he still has considerable time to plan his next steps.
He is in his 5th year at Hogwarts on December 14, 1975.
The prank with the werewolf Remus Lupin hasn't happened yet, but today is a full moon. In that case, Sirius Black should soon put his assassination plan into action.
Lily and Severus are still friends; the Mudblood situation hasn't happened yet. It's only in the sixth year.
Regulus Black is still alive.
Lucius and Narcissa are safe for now.
Draco hasn't been born yet.
Charity Burbage is still safe.
Eileen Prince – Mom – hasn't been murdered by Tobias Snape – his father – yet.
Severus doesn't yet have the Mark, isn't yet a spy, hasn't yet fully allied himself with Voldemort, and can still change his future.
He walked to the bathroom mirror, stared at his reflection. His hair was greasy, his skin very pale, his nose crooked, his eyes very dark and full of dark circles, his teeth yellow and irregular. He was far underweight for a normal 15-year-old. He looked ugly, disgusting, and monstrous, just as the Marauders said.
Tomorrow, December 15th, the students will be sent back home for the Yule festivities; the recess runs from December 15th to January 5th. Enough time for Severus to carefully plan his next activities; his priority at the moment is saving his mother.
He just needs to survive today.
And this time he won't make the same mistakes.
⛧°.⋆༺ The Half-Blood Prince ༻⋆.°⛧
Today was Sunday. He showered and put on his school uniform because, even though there were no classes today, his clothes weren't suitable for Hogwarts. Severus had packed his luggage the day before, so he didn't have to worry about that.
His Slytherin classmates were already on their way to breakfast. He joined the others, trying to feign normalcy.
It was a nightmare being back at Hogwarts as a student, definitely a nightmare.
Severus was greeted by Regulus Black, who discreetly waved to him.
"I saved your seat," Regulus said, smiling kindly.
Regulus is a very thoughtful young man, only a year younger than Severus, Sirius Black's younger brother; his hair is shorter than his brother's.His eyes are gray, and he's a very dear friend of Severus's; in fact, he's his only friend in his Hogwarts house, since Lucius and Narcissa have already graduated.
"Thank you." Severus was very happy to see him alive; the boy died at 17 while trying to find Voldemort's Horcruxes.
That won't happen again.
"Did you sleep well?" Regulus genuinely cared about that; it was sweet.
"Yes." Lying was easier than explaining why he'd been awake since dawn.
"How did you sleep, Reggei?" Severus asked. The younger boy smiled broadly and began to talk about his strange dream involving an army of house-elves.
Looking at the Gryffindor table, he made eye contact with Lily; she waved at him with a smile. Severus waved back.
It was good to see her again, alive and smiling. Severus would do anything to protect her in this new chance at life. His gaze fell upon the Hufflepuff table; Charity was there, chatting and laughing with her classmates. She seemed happy.
This time it will be different.
It has to be.
⛧°.⋆༺ The Half-Blood Prince ༻⋆.°⛧
He needed to speak with Charity and Lily just to see them alive. Both of his best friends' deaths were indirectly caused by him: Lily for being the mother of the boy from the prophecy, a Muggle-born, and for not getting out of the way when Voldemort asked; and Charity for being an activist for Muggle-born and half-blood rights and a Muggle studies teacher.
Not to mention that it was Severus who spoke the prophecy to Voldemort.
"Hey Snivellus!" Severus recognized that voice. "I was looking for you." Sirius Black was coming towards him; the idiot seemed very proud of himself.
Severus always knew that no matter how much Black denied being like the rest of his family, the truth was that the boy was impulsive and violent. But unlike the other Blacks who did bad things to poor, ugly half-bloods—like Severus—and had no problem admitting it with pride, Sirius Black felt the need to lie and say that Severus deserved to be treated that way.
The justifications were: being in Slytherin, liking the Dark Arts, being strange, being ugly, being disgusting, being a future follower of Voldemort.
At least that's what Sirius Black says.
If it were really about being an aspiring Death Eater, the Marauders would go after practically every Slytherin, but these four cowards only attack the poor, ugly half-blood, who doesn't have a pure-blood family to support him. Everyone knows about Mulciber, but he comes from an influential and dangerous family; messing with him has consequences. Messing with Severus doesn't.
Severus thinks the problem is something else entirely: jealousy.
Not Severus's jealousy, obviously, but James Potter's.
Sirius Black is openly bisexual, and it's obvious to Severus that he has romantic and sexual feelings for James Potter.
Where does Severus fit into this? Consider this:
Severus is Lily's best friend.
James is in love with Lily.
Everyone thinks Severus is in love with Lily.
Lily isn't in love with anyone.
Sirius is in love with James Potter.
Sirius thinks he should separate Lily and Severus so that Potter has a chance.
But Sirius also wants to take out his frustration on someone for his unrequited love.
He can't do it to James, he can't do it to Lily, so Severus is the only option left.
It's pathetic and stupid, but everyone is a hormonal teenager, and love is difficult.
"What do you want, Black?" Stupid question, Severus knew exactly what the idiot wanted.
"Like I said, I was looking for you."
"For what?" Murder.
"Well, I was thinking maybe you'd like to come with me to a more discreet place, just you and me." Sirius smiled broadly.
Oh right, Severus had forgotten about that particular humiliation.
Sirius told Snape that if he tied a specific knot in the tree trunk with a long stick, the Willow would stop moving, allowing entry into the tunnel leading to the Shrieking Shack.
Severus did this, and ended up being attacked by Remus Lupin transformed into a werewolf. He was saved by James Potter.
The official story Sirius told everyone is that he revealed how to get in there to Severus because he had a strange obsession and suspected Lupin was a werewolf, and Sirius, being a good friend, wanted to get rid of Severus to protect Lupin. And Severus, being a presumptuous idiot, went there alone and unarmed.
Good story.
But it's not true.
Severus went there because Sirius invited him for a night together.
Sirius Black, the most desired at Hogwarts, wanted a night with Severus Snape, the ugly one at Hogwarts.
Severus was stupid and gay.
He went there and fell into the trap like an idiot.
He desperately wanted contact with Sirius because he had a stupid feeling of passion for him; it was a good opportunity to be just another one in Black's arms, and Severus wanted that.
Even if it was just one night, even if it meant nothing to Black, Severus wanted it.
He was really stupid.
"What makes you think I'd agree to that?"
"Don't be like that, Snivellus, you'll have fun, I promise."
"..."
"I know how to please a man."
The worst part is that Severus believes it.
"Don't worry, there's no straight man who can resist Sirius Black!"
"..."
"You won't be the first straight man I turn gay."
"..."
"Nobody needs to know!"
"..."
"I'm going to make you come."
"..."
"You'll learn a lot from me!"
"Black."
"Yes?"
"I have standards."
"What did you say, Snivellus?" Sirius asked angrily.
"I have standards."
"Listen here, you bastard---"
Severus walked away towards the gardens to meet Lily when a spell hit him. Black was so immature and stupid.
Severus quickly counterattacked; winning ended up being easier than it had been when Severus was actually a 15-year-old child.
It was ridiculous that Black thought he could beat Severus in a duel. He was a war veteran, having gone through not one but two wars, and was personally trained by Voldemort, who taught Severus many things.
When they were both 15, the duel was more balanced, but Severus is in his second life, and in his first, he died at almost 40. Despite his current teenage appearance, inside he doesn't feel young. He was prominent in killing and torturing, although he neither appreciates nor takes pride in it. That's it.
Leaving Black unconscious on the ground was satisfying, but he also took care not to hurt the boy excessively; after all, Severus didn't want to ruin his new chance at life.
⛧°.⋆༺ The Half-Blood Prince ༻⋆.°⛧
Lily was under the shade of the tree reading a book when Severus approached.
"Hi Sev," she smiled at him.
"Hi Lily," he smiled back.
He sat down beside her.
"Did something happen? Are you alright?" "Those delinquent projects again, weren't they?" she asked angrily. Severus didn't know how he seemed able to read her completely without trying.
"I'm fine."
"That's not fair. I've lost count of how many times I've talked to the principal about this, and he still does nothing!" Now she seemed even angrier.
"Black wanted to sleep with me."
"..."
"..."
"That son of a bitch did what?" Severus had never seen Lily so distraught; she looked like she was going to die.
"I said no," Severus said, trying to calm her down.
"Of course you said no!"
Severus then remembered that he had never talked about his sexuality with Lily in this life.
"I'm gay."
Lily seemed surprised but not rejected.
"I'm sorry for never saying anything. My father always says that being gay is a disease. I didn't want you—" he couldn't force himself to finish the sentence; it wasn't fair to... Lily, she was great, and Severus knew she would never judge him for his sexuality.
But the fear was too great, and it wasn't worth the risk of losing his friend.
"Severus, first of all, I'm so glad you trusted me and told me. I don't care that you 'took your time' telling me; this information is yours, and you share it when you're ready! So don't apologize for it! Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Great! Secondly, your father is an asshole. There's nothing wrong with being gay, and it's definitely not a disease." "The only sickness here is liking Sirius Black!"
"I don't like him!"
"Good."
"But how does Black know you're gay?"
"He doesn't know."
"So you're telling me he just came up to you assuming you were straight, didn't care, and tried to force you to have sex with him?" She was horrified; it looked like she was going to kill Sirius Black.
"Not exactly---"
"I'm going to kill him."
"It didn't happen---"
"I'll make him regret the day he was born!"
She walked away, stomping her feet heavily.
"Lily, please calm down!" Severus exclaimed as he ran after her.
"He's a dead man!"
"Nothing happened!"
"Severus, this is literally rape!"
"He didn't touch me!" "I swear!"
She stopped walking.
"Severus, we need to have a very serious conversation about boundaries."
"I know my boundaries!"
"Did you know they say Sirius Black is persistent and doesn't take no for an answer?"
"Maybe he's just very persuasive."
After a moment of silence, Lily said:
"How would you feel if Sirius Black made that proposal to me?"
What?
"I wouldn't like it."
"Why?"
"Because he wouldn't be good for you!"
"Why?"
"Because you deserve more than a guy who's just going to use you and discard you without caring about you!"
"You know I don't like him?"
"Yes."
"How would you feel if he convinced me to sleep with him right now because he's so persistent and persuasive?" "Even though I don't like him romantically or as a human being."
"That would be awful!"
"Why?"
"Because you would be doing it against your will."
"But I would have agreed."
"But just because he wouldn't stop, that's coercion! It's manipulation!"
Oh.
Oh.
Severus understood, this is a form of abuse.
Severus always considered Sirius Black an idiot but not a rapist, but manipulating people into doing something against their will is wrong, and Severus had experienced this his whole life, not in a sexual sense, but as a spy, sometimes he had to make difficult choices.
Like on the day of Charity's death.
He couldn't save her, not without risking his position as a spy within Voldemort's circle.
He let her die.
He had nightmares about her screams for the rest of his life.
Obviously it's not the same situation, but feeling obligated to do something against your will is horrible, and Severus knows that feeling very well.
"I'm sorry Lily, I didn't realize I was defending something like that."
Severus then detailed to her every detail of his last interaction with Sirius Black.
"I hate that idiot!" Lily was calmer now; Severus managed to lead them back to the tree where their things were left.
"It's okay, I didn't accept it. I'll really be more attentive to this kind of behavior from now on."
Severus doesn't feel abused. Was it uncomfortable? Yes.
But Severus is a man! It would have been worse if Sirius Black had behaved like that with a woman.
"Let's forget about it for now."
They spend the rest of the day together, lying on the grass talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
Severus missed this so much. I miss her so much.
⛧°.⋆༺ The Half-Blood Prince ༻⋆.°⛧
After taking a bath, Severus lay down on his bed. The day was finally over. Severus survived, spent time with Lily, was able to see Charity and Regulus, and tomorrow he would save his mother from his father.
The day was a great success.
But there is still much to do. Voldemort is alive somewhere. Severus needs to free his friends from this man.
Lucius.
Narcissa.
Regulus.
Charity.
Lily.
It's not a long list, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.
First, Severus has to get rid of his own father, and then he will deal with Voldemort and Dumbledore.
In his new life, he has already decided he will not try to be a good person, only try to ensure that the people he cares about remain safe.