Chapter Text
Shuuya watched the video in muted horror. He had just been getting ready to start the day, going through his morning rituals, when his manager had sent a link to Inatube Video, with “urgent” written under it.
So he leaned against his bathroom sink, his toothbrush in his mouth, and opened the video.
And oh boy did he regret it.
The video buffered for half a second before cutting to Atsuya—front and center, standing behind what looked like a dining table dragged into the middle of a room. A sheet hung crookedly behind him, trying and failing to pass as a backdrop. The table itself looked like a hurricane had passed over it, full of nick-knacks like shampoo bottles, a salt shaker, an oil dispenser, deodorant, etc., pretending to be a hoard of microphones.
“Sixth. Sixth. Sixth,” somebody out of camera view was chanting while Atsuya stood behind the table. His eyes twitched in annoyance immediately.
He almost choked on the toothpaste. He had to hack the product out of his windpipe and gargle vehemently while the video kept playing on the counter.
“Cut, cut, cut, it’s not sixth, it’s first. I am the Holy /beeeeep/ Cow.” Atsuya frowned at someone, whoever was out of the camera shot and chanting.
“Don’t swear on the camera, you’ll get us age-restricted,” a female voice chided, and Atsuya rolled his eyes, like every typical teenager did.
“Fine. I am the Holy Cow. I can’t be measly sixth. I’m always first. Start from the beginning.”
“First. First. First.”
Atsuya beamed proudly, then schooled his expression.
“Soccer shall be loved equally by all,” Shuuya grimaced, listening to his own words being parroted back by the boy he saw as something like a younger brother. The serious look didn’t suit Atsuya.
And he spoke too soon, because Atsuya’s face split into a shit-eating grin, and he braced for whatever the orange-haired boy was going to throw at him.
“Because equality is rad. But you should also love other sports like volleyball and basketball, dudes. Seriously. You pretend like soccer is the only sport out there.”
“Holy Cow, don’t promote other sports. You are the president of First District,” the female voice cut in again.
“Oh yeah, sorry.” Atsuya gave the angelic smile he had perfected a decade ago. A lifetime ago, on their travels.
And despite his growing worry for the boy’s safety, Shuuya bit down on his lips to control his laughter.
Because it was funny.
Atsuya had put colorful tinsel over his head, predominantly golden but with blue streaks in between. He guessed it was a parody of his own hair, mocking the organization he had been infiltrating for God knows how long.
“The value of victory will be distributed equally,” Atsuya declared, tossing the tinsel back with dramatic flair, “because sharing is caring.”
Then, with complete sincerity, “And also because some of you guys suck at soccer. No offense, fam.”
Shuuya facepalmed in embarrassment.
But he had to sit through this and watch everything, because it was like watching a car crash in slow motion.
He just couldn’t look away.
“As the Holy Cow of First District, I personally will make sure this law will be applied to all. All of you will be given your personal soccer ball, the goalie will be removed, and you will be allowed to make a goal, because you’ll end up crying home to your mommies, you suckers.”
By this point, Shuuya was brought to tears.
“Soccer is now at the top of the world. And you guys better follow me, because I’m the Holy Cow with gold hair and edgy earrings, and I’ll make sure none of you have to work hard.”
Atsuya winked at the camera.
Shuuya needed to make some phone calls.