Work Text:
The hustle and bustle of the Great Hall is something Qifrey feels as though he should be used to by now. He has been here for almost six years, after all.
But he still struggles. There's always so many people out and about, and all the noise makes his ears ring. The ocean water that surrounds them makes it nearly impossible to get comfortable, and not even locking himself away in his room can remedy the anxiety that has been constantly lingering under his skin for as long as he can remember.
This is good for me, he tries to remind himself, the anxiety is what I need.
It's worse now, around this time of the year. With his graduation closing in quicker than he thought possible, the Great Hall is celebrating this year's graduates with the same grand party they host every year. Those who will graduate before Silver Eve this year are allowed to attend, as well as those who graduated after Silver Eve last year up until now. Qifrey is expected to attend as the apprentice of Beldaruit of the Wise, but he loathes the idea of even stepping foot into this party. The dressing up, the socializing, the joy that comes with finally leaving his master's side—it's not for him. There's no reason for him to be there.
Olruggio, on the other hand, is over the moon about it, which surprises Qifrey if he's being honest.
We're finally graduatin', Olruggio had excitedly told him a few weeks ago, we're finally goin' to be independent witches! We can finally leave the Great Hall!
Leave the Great Hall—the one thing Qifrey has wanted to do since the moment he arrived.
He won't admit it out loud, but he does appreciate everything Master Beldaruit has done for him. It's nothing against him; if anything, he's thankful for what he has done for him over the years, despite being unbelievably overbearing in almost every regard. Qifrey holds a certain respect for him as his master that he will carry with him for the rest of his life; that much he is absolutely certain of.
But he needs to leave. He needs to leave this place, and in turn, his biggest comfort, behind.
He sits in the cafeteria, staring down that comfort as his friend is once again cornered by a witch around their age who will also be attending the graduation celebration.
Olruggio has been receiving a lot of invitations to this event, and Qifrey can't blame his peers at all. The other boy is, well, everything Qifrey isn't—brilliant and kind, someone who radiates warmth and safety that drags everyone around him into his orbit, Qifrey included. He doesn't understand why he doesn't like watching the scene before him unfold; the thought of Olruggio spending his night with someone that isn't him makes him so uncomfortable that he has to fight off the urge to drag his friend away from the young girl talking to him. It makes no sense to him—Qifrey doesn't plan on attending the celebration anyway, and Olruggio is allowed to have friends that aren't him. In fact, it's better for him if Olruggio makes new friends. The more time the other boy spends away from him, the less likely it is that Qifrey will have to erase his memories of the Silverwood within him. The more friends he makes, the less it will hurt when Qifrey finally leaves his side.
It's too easy to be with Olruggio. It's going to be his end one day.
He suddenly loses his appetite, pushing his plate away from him when he spots Olruggio making his way back through the crowd towards his table. He plops himself down in front of Qifrey with a sigh, rubbing his temples with this fingers.
"If I have to shoot down one more invitation to this party, I'm goin' to lose it," Olruggio complains.
"I think most people would do anything to be in your shoes right now, Olly," Qifrey says. He would not like to be in his shoes right now, but it holds true for the majority of the witches their age.
His friend doesn't grace him with a response, instead eyeing Qifrey's plate that sits in the middle of the table. "Are you done eatin' already? You barely touched your food!"
"Not hungry," Qifrey mumbles.
"Oh! Can I have it then?"
Qifrey pushes it towards Olruggio, and he can't help but smile as his friend's face lights up and he digs in. They're quiet for a few minutes as he eats, and Qifrey rests his chin in his hand as he watches.
"Have you been asked yet?" Olruggio eventually inquires, making quick work of polishing off the food in front of him.
Qifrey tilts his head, puzzled. "Asked what?"
"What do you mean asked what? To go to the celebration! Has anyone asked you to go with them tomorrow?"
The first thing Qifrey notices is the slight waver in Olruggio's voice as he asks. The second thing he notices is that he's not looking at Qifrey, and his eyes are darting all around the cafeteria as he awaits his answer. Qifrey watches as Olruggio fiddles with his fingers, and he realizes that he's nervous, which is completely uncharacteristic of him.
"No, nobody has asked me." Qifrey says, and he can visibly see the tension leave his friend's body at his answer.
"That's good!" Olruggio freezes as soon as the words leave his mouth. "I mean, that's not good! Wait, that's not what I meant either! I just meant that we can go together then! The two of us!"
Qifrey would have laughed at the way the words rushed out of Olruggio's mouth if it hadn't been for the feeling of relief that awoke the roots deep within him. Olruggio wanted to go with him. He didn't want to attend this with someone else, he wanted to spend the night with Qifrey.
His head throbs. He needs to shut this down.
"I'm not going."
He ignores the way Olruggio's smile falters, pretends he doesn't see the way his friend's face falls at his words. He allows the guilt of disappointing him trample over the happiness that he feels knowing that Olruggio wants to be with him, and he feels the parasite within him settle. Good.
"But—but this is our last big celebration before we graduate!" Olruggio stutters, "We should go!"
"I don't want to go." Qifrey puts his foot down. "That doesn't mean you don't have to go. There are plenty of people who want to go with you." He says it with more bite than he intends to, and he almost feels bad when Olruggio shrinks back at his words.
"But I wanted to go with you," Olruggio mutters, fiddling with this fingers again.
Qifrey feels the pain that shoots into his empty eye socket immediately, and he winces despite his best efforts to ignore it. He pushes off the bench as fast as he can, ignoring Olruggio's call of his name behind him, and rushes out of the cafeteria.
He locks himself in his room for the rest of the day, and he doesn't answer the door when Olruggio comes looking for him.
–Δ–
Qifrey promises Master Beldaruit he'll meet him at the celebration that night. He makes his escape through the windowway instead.
He ends up at the old, rundown shepherd's hut Olruggio had shown him when they were kids. The two of them still spend a lot of time here when they need to get away from everything, and this place means a lot to Qifrey, even if he thinks it doesn't quite mean the same thing to his friend.
Study sessions, playful wrestling matches, watching the dragons fly overhead—all of these are such wonderful, fulfilling memories for Qifrey. He cherishes every moment he spends with Olruggio out here under the open sky.
But his heart clenches when he thinks about the unspeakable sins he has committed towards him here, in this very spot. It's why he'll leave all of this behind when he graduates in a few weeks time. He can't bear the guilt of hurting Olruggio the way he does, even though he allows it every single time.
He glances up towards the stars, and he wonders who Olruggio decided to go with tonight. Was is the girl from the cafeteria yesterday, or the boy from the library a few days ago? A girl a year older than them had asked him a couple of weeks ago, and Qifrey had thought for sure that Olruggio was going to say yes. Maybe he had reconsidered her invitation and had sought her out, and they were happily dancing together in celebration of their new lives as independent witches.
It didn't make sense for Qifrey to attend with him. In the end, Olruggio would have done nothing but sat in a corner with him and watched as everyone else had fun, and he never would have complained because Olruggio never complains. Qifrey wishes he would.
"Hey, I thought I'd find you here!"
Qifrey nearly drops his lantern at the voice behind him, and turns his head to see Olruggio skipping up the hill towards him, his own lantern swinging back and forth in his hands. He's dressed in his dark blue and black velvet formal robes with his cap perched upon his head, and Qifrey can't help but eye his tassel that swings freely at the top of it. He grasps the ribbon—Olruggio's ribbon—that hangs from his own cap in his hand, and stares at his friend in disbelief.
"What are you doing here?" He asks, "Aren't you supposed to be celebrating?"
"What am I goin' to celebrate?" Olruggio laughs as he sets his lantern against the rundown hut and sits down beside Qifrey in the grass. "My best friend didn't attend, so why should I? I don't care about anyone else there."
It's like a gut punch to Qifrey, the way Olruggio is always so honest with his words. They wash over him, settle down deep in his core, and they feed the hungry parasite that waits to break free. Every word from Olruggio leaves a throbbing sensation behind his scar, and an ache in his heart, and there's nothing he can do about it.
"There are plenty of people who wanted to see you there," Qifrey turns away quickly, trying to hide the way his face flushes. "Your master is going to be mad."
"And Master Beldaruit looked pissed that he couldn't find you," Olruggio tells him, and Qifrey can hear the smirk in his tone. "We'll just get yelled at like we usually do—together! What are they goin' to do? Keep us from graduatin'?"
"They could," Qifrey mumbles, and Olruggio just throws his arm around his shoulders.
"Besides," Olruggio continues, "it's much more fun out here with you! Just the two of us!"
Qifrey's heart plummets. This is how it always starts.
They're not twelve anymore. They're not thirteen or fourteen, or even fifteen or sixteen. They're seventeen years old, almost eighteen, and Qifrey has lost count of the times this scene has played out right here. He doesn't think he can do this again. He shakes Olruggio's arm off and stands up, dusting off his cloak as he takes a step back.
"I'm going back to my room," he says quickly, "you should head back to the celebration before you get in trouble."
Olruggio makes a noise in disagreement and crosses his arms. He glares up at Qifrey from his spot in the grass as he speaks, "We're stayin' right here tonight, Qifrey, and we're gonna hang out like we usually do, got it?"
It's not always the same script, but it's always Olruggio and the way he chooses Qifrey above everything—and anyone—else. It's always Olruggio and the way he makes Qifrey feel like he's the only person he sees, and like he's the only person worthy of sharing his time. Olruggio looks at Qifrey like he hung the moon, but what he doesn't know is that Qifrey has done nothing except lead him on a journey to snuff out every star in the sky. One day he'll completely dim Olruggio's light, and he's afraid to see the day it finally goes out by his own hand.
"Please go back," Qifrey whispers, his voice so quiet that he can see Olruggio straining to listen. "Go have fun, please."
"How could I have fun there when you're out here?"
Qifrey fists his cloak. "Eat? Dance with someone? I don't know, Olruggio, what do people do for fun at parties? You'll figure it out!"
His lips quiver, and he knows Olruggio can see it. His friend stands up, brushing the dirt and grass off of his robes, before reaching his hand out to Qifrey.
"Hey, come dance with me!"
Qifrey stares diown at the hand in front of him, dumbfounded. "Dance?"
"Is that not what I just said?" Olruggio raises an eyebrow and wiggles his fingers in Qifrey's direction. "We're supposed to be celebratin'! Come on, let loose! Have some fun!"
They're getting too old for things like this. He knows that Olruggio knows this. The witches in the Great Hall love to talk, and Qifrey is often a favored topic of interest. Why is a prodigy like Olruggio hanging around the apprentice with the weird glasses? Why does Beldaruit of the Wise still bother with the kid with white hair and missing eye? Why is Qifrey dragging down the people around him, despite the fact that he has proved himself to be a capable witch over and over again?
They're not kids anymore—Olruggio needs to remember this. He has a whole life ahead of him that does not, and will never again, involve Qifrey very soon.
He takes another step back. "We don't have any music."
"We don't need music to dance," Olruggio remarks, reaching out and grabbing the lantern out of his hand. He settles it against the ruined foundation of the hut before turning back and gently taking Qifrey's hand into his own. "Just a little bit, okay?"
Qifrey can feel the tips of his ears burning. "You'll get your formal wear dirty."
Olruggio clicks his tongue. "Can you please stop makin' excuses and just dance with me, Qifrey?"
Despite everything, despite knowing the outcome, Qifrey allows his friend to move his hand to his shoulder, with his other one remaining tightly held in his own. He tries to hold back a shiver when Olruggio places his other hand on his hip and pulls him in closer, looking up at Qifrey with the usual light that he has only ever seen in his eyes.
"See, it's not so bad, right?" Olruggio smiles, and Qifrey can feel his stomach drop. "We can just sway however we want to!"
Qifrey listens as the other boy hums an obviously made up tune, forcing him to sway in sync with his movements. He steps on his feet once, twice, maybe a third time, but Olruggio doesn't say anything. He continues to hum, and Qifrey bites down hard on the inside of his cheek until he can taste blood in his mouth. It's not enough. It's never enough.
The ache where his missing eye should be turns into a burning sensation, and his head begins to throb. He looks to the ground, pretends he isn't close to losing his grip on reality, and gently pulls Olruggio in closer. His friend makes a noise of surprise and moves to wrap his arm around Qifrey's waist, obviously not deterred by Qifrey's sudden need to be close to him. He doesn't say anything when Qifrey rests his forehead on his shoulder, or when he accidentally steps on his foot again, and he continues to sway the two of them side to side.
"Qifrey—" Olruggio finally says, but Qifrey refuses to look up. He knows if he sees the look on Olruggio's face—the one he always sees before everything goes horribly wrong—he's going to crumble. He can't keep doing this.
"I'm not mad that you won't stop steppin' on my feet, if that's what you're worried about!"
Olruggio stops moving and lets go of his hand, moving his own to the back of Qifrey's neck. His arm remains wrapped around his waist, and Qifrey feels like the worst person in the world.
He's going to remember this moment for the rest of his life, and Olruggio is never going to know that it happened.
"Hey, are you okay?" Olruggio asks, and Qifrey can only nod into his shoulder. He's not okay. He's so, so tired.
He feels Olruggio's thumb caress the back of his neck—such a simple, gentle gesture—and he lets out a groan in pain as the parasite inside of him finally breaks free. Olruggio lets go and jumps back slightly, his hands quickly reaching up to hold Qifrey's face.
"Qifrey! What's wrong? Did I hu—" Olruggio stops speaking when the first leaf falls, and he steps back when the branch extends towards him, causing him to fall to the ground in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Olly," Qifrey cries. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He watches as Olruggio scrambles to get back up, his cap falling to the ground behind him, and he reaches out for Qifrey once again. He clasps his hands in his own. "That looks like a Silverwood branch. Qifrey—is that a Silverwood branch? Are you okay? What can I do? What do I need to do to help you?"
Qifrey hates this part. He hates the way Olruggio worries about him, hates the way his first thought is to help. He's never mad anymore—he doesn't bite back words or look away in disbelief. He always holds onto Qifrey so gently, and never questions him about the why's or the when's or the how's. It makes Qifrey sick to his stomach when Olruggio looks at him like this; he hates when he looks at him like he's still deserving of all the love in the world, despite everything.
He shakes his hands free of Olruggio's and reaches for the cap on his head, unclasping the button with practiced ease. Olruggio's eyes widen at the revealed seal, and his face morphs into a look of understanding. It always does.
"This only happens when I feel safe and happy, you know," Qifrey says, "You always—you always make me so happy, Olly. This isn't fair to you."
"To me?" Olruggio questions. "Qifrey, you—you're the one sufferin'. This isn't fair to you."
Qifrey holds back a sob as his roots begin to grow and extend outwards. He'd rather endure the pain of the Silverwood Tree than have to continue hurting Olruggio the way he does, but that stupid, immature promise they made as kids sits as a heavy weight upon his cap, despite being nothing but a ribbon and a long forgotten memory of the past.
"Please bear with me until I figure this out," Qifrey tells him, "Please bear with it for just a little longer. I'm trying, Olly, I promise."
Just a few more weeks, and Qifrey will leave his side for good. Olruggio will be free of him, and he'll be happier than ever before. It's all Qifrey wants for him, and he's going to give it to him no matter the cost.
"I know you're tryin'," Olruggio reassures him, "You're still here, aren't you? Of course you're tryin'. I'm sorry that I've done nothin' to help you. I'm a horrible friend, aren't I?"
Qifrey shakes his head. "You're my best friend in the entire world."
His hands shake as he places the cap onto Olruggio's head. One swipe of his finger across the ink and this all ends right here.
Olruggio reaches up and hold his face between his hands. "Promise me you'll remind me of everythin' when you fix this, okay? Please?"
He won't. He doesn't plan on sticking around long enough to see Olruggio ever again, but he nods his head anyway. "Of course. I'll see you when you wake up."
Olruggio leans forward, dodging the mess of tangled roots protruding from his socket to place a kiss directly onto his cheek.
"For good luck," he says.
Qifrey swipes his thumb across the bottom of the seal, completes the ring, and catches Olruggio when he falls.
The stars are hanging low in the sky as Qifrey adjusts his friend's head to lay in his lap.
He pretends to not notice that Olruggio's lantern has already been snuffed out.