Chapter Text
You think when you turn 18 that you’re about to be in for the scariest year of your life. You’re an adult now, you’re suddenly in charge of your own life. You’re making your own doctor's appointments, you’re probably starting college soon, you can move out whenever you want, and you don’t need permission to hang out with your friends. It’s freedom. But it’s scary. Because all of a sudden, you’re on your own.
Well, 18 isn’t the scariest year of your life. It’s just the practice round. And if your parents are anything like Josh’s, they’re putting their foot down the moment you turn 19.
“I mean, look at you!” Josh’s mom shrieked, sending high-pitched alarms through his ears and piercing into his freshly awoken brain. “Just lying in bed all day without a care in the world. How much longer are you going to take advantage of our kindness!?”
Josh blinked a few times, just trying to blink the sleep out of his eyes and adjust to the light. He reached for his phone on his bedside table and squinted at the time.
“It’s 7:52 in the morning,” Josh groaned, dropping his phone back down on the table.
“Normal kids are up and about by this time. Remember school? The thing you promised us you were going to start going to?” His dad added, crossing his arms.
Josh squeezed his eyes shut. It was too early. And he hadn’t even been awake for a full minute. He could barely process what they were saying to him.
“School got out yesterday.”
“Then a job, Joshua!” His mom pulled the blankets off his body, and he shuddered at the sudden rush of cold. Thank his lucky stars he chose to wear underwear last night. “That was our deal. You want to take a gap year, that’s fine. But you were supposed to be applying for colleges in that time. One gap year, and then college or a job. And you didn’t apply to any. So where does that leave you now?”
Josh held his hands over his eyes. He had been looking for a job. He’d applied everywhere within walking distance, and even some places that were a bit farther than he’d prefer to walk. He couldn’t afford the bus, at least not when he first started, so getting a job somewhere close enough to walk was his best move. Heaven forbid he ask his parents to pay the bus toll before his first paycheck.
They act like he was doing nothing. He wasn’t. Nobody was hiring. It sounded bogus, he knew that. But the applications were going nowhere, and on the few interviews he managed to get, they admitted to him that they were just wasting his time. They’d all already staffed for their summer hours. Eventually, one of them told him that companies were only posting applications to satisfy the higher-ups.
He was doing everything he could. But he was getting to the point where he was about to look into babysitting. But parents tend to think twice about letting grown men watch their kids, especially men with neon yellow mohawks and tatted sleeves they got in high school with their friends and their fake IDs.
But those weren’t valid excuses for Josh’s parents.
“I’m trying as hard as I can,” he said after a few too many moments of silence. But he couldn’t enjoy the quiet for too long, his father nearly cutting him off.
“Try. Harder.” Josh’s dad leaned forward to get closer to him, “Seriously, Josh! I don’t know why this is so hard for you! Everywhere is hiring, they all have the signs, you just have to apply!”
He could only explain it to them so many times. They weren’t going to get it. It wasn’t what they wanted to hear.
So he didn’t say anything. He kicked the blankets the rest of the way off his legs and sat up in his bed, willing himself the strength to put his feet on the ground. And thankfully, his parents took the hint, exchanging a glance and scoffing before turning out of his room, slamming the door behind them. Pointed.
He didn’t live with them because he wanted to. He wasn’t jobless and broke because he liked to be. If he had the means to do so, he would run as far as he could and be out of their hair forever.
But at least he could run for a little bit.
He didn’t bother changing his shirt, but he swiped on a bit of deodorant before leaving. It was the summer, after all, and even he didn’t want to smell himself. He pulled on the closest pair of pants he could find, which thankfully weren’t too heavy, but were baggy and ripped, which would help keep him cool, and he only made an effort to brush his teeth before leaving.
All he took was his phone. It was all that he had, really. And he ignored the calls of his parents as he walked through the living room, “Where do you think you’re going?” and “When you come back through those doors, it better be with a job application.” When the door to his home was shut behind him, he finally felt like he could breathe. Even in the humidity that came from a morning in June.
His birthday was off to a great start.
He supposed he couldn’t ask for much. He was 19, after all. Gone were the days of birthday parties and cake, trampoline parks with your friends, and ice cream dates with your mom. Adults didn’t get to enjoy the luxury of a birthday. It was just another day of work, groceries, and gas prices. Just like yesterday. Just like tomorrow. And just like every single day until you die.
Josh didn’t know where he was going, but his feet took him down the block. He figured anywhere was better than his house. No screaming, no fighting, no parents breathing down his throat. No younger siblings to disappoint, because they looked up to you, and you were truly nothing special. There was peace in the asphalt, and freedom in the blue sky. And an increased chance to improve his current predicament tenfold when he is struck and killed by a passing car.
Josh didn’t want to die. But if the opportunity arose, or God decided it was his time, he wouldn’t put up a fight. He wouldn’t cut the brakes, but he wouldn’t step to the side when he heard the car lose control, either.
His feet carried him down the road, and his brain pleaded with them to run. But he chose to take his time. The longer he spent away from home, the better. And he needed the time to clear his head.
Josh didn’t want to go to college. There was nothing that interested him. He didn’t like the idea of being stuck with one thing for the rest of his life because he spent thousands of dollars on it before his frontal lobe was even fully developed. Then again, he didn’t love the idea of being bound to retail for the rest of his life either.
Mark was in college. And he was employed. He would be starting his second year of film school after the summer, and he worked as a photographer in his spare time. He was booked and busy, and sometimes he took Josh along with him. Concerts were fun. Even if Josh didn’t know or particularly like whoever was playing. It was live music, for free, and it was a chance to get out of the house.
Debby was in the same boat. She studied journalism remotely, and dedicated all her time to the theater. That was another thing Josh got to see for free. Her shows were great, whether she was directing, or on the stage. She had a plan. Mark had a plan.
Josh never thought that far ahead.
Really, he didn’t think about much at all. Like, where exactly he was walking to. And why he’d walked past all these streets and driveways, but decided to turn onto this specific cul-de-sac. He was almost positive he looked out of place. Anyone looking out their windows would know he didn’t live there. The neighborhood communities in this part of Columbus were tight-knit. But he kept walking anyway. The beauty of a cul-de-sac was that it looped around. So as long as he kept to the sidewalk, he could just keep going. He kept his eyes down, watching the laces of his Vans swing with each step.
“You look hot,” said a tiny voice from just up ahead. He looked up, meeting the eyes of a little girl who couldn’t have been much older than 10. She stood behind a table that was clothed in red and white gingham, with a sign taped to it that read, ‘LEMONADE ¢50’. She grinned at him, a wide smile with a gap where her tooth was missing. “Do you want to cool down with some ice cold lemonade? It’s only 50 cents.”
Josh looked down at the table, covered in plastic cups, with two covered pitchers of lemonade and ice. He couldn’t lie and say the condensation on the pitchers wasn’t appealing. He hadn’t realized how warm the air felt on his skin until just now. He really should’ve put on sunscreen.
“Um…” he looked down at his pants. He hadn’t thought to bring his wallet. Even if he had, he didn’t know if he had 50 cents to give her. He was dead broke, and a cup of lemonade would put him in grave debt, even if it were less than a dollar. “I’m sorry, I didn’t bring any cash with me.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Josh hadn’t noticed the other person sitting by the table. If he had, he probably would have walked away faster. Now, he was trapped.
Tyler was one grade below Josh in school. He was a force to be reckoned with to nobody but Josh. Truth be told, the kid was a pushover. He was far too nice, even to those who didn’t deserve it. He liked everyone, and everyone liked him. If not for his personality, then the fact that he was by far the most attractive player on their school’s basketball team. Girls fawned over him, cheering from the stands when he so much as stepped near the ball. And he seemed as though he liked the attention. Though outside of the game, he was reserved. Quiet. Their paths had crossed only once, and it was enough to make Josh wish he would never have to talk to Tyler again.
Embarrassingly enough, they met in the school bathroom. It was midterms, and Josh was stressed. He was overwhelmed. He’d forgotten to eat for at least a couple of days. It just wasn’t on his list of priorities. He’d started to feel dizzy, nauseous, deaf to the words the teacher had said to him because he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own heartbeat in his ears. So he got up, and he ran. He didn’t ask to leave, and he’d gone without a pass. But he just needed to splash some water on his face. Take a minute to cool down. Everything would be fine.
But as he ran through the halls, someone had seen him. They followed him. And as he stood in front of the sink in the closest bathroom to his classroom, splashing water on his face, the door opened behind him. Josh thought he was a goner when he looked up in the mirror to see he’d been caught skipping by the principal’s oldest son. He’d recognize that mousy brown mop on his head anywhere. Josh had gotten enough detentions this year; the last thing he needed was for Tyler Joseph to go ratting to daddy that he’d seen Josh wandering the halls without a pass.
“You seem a little wobbly.”
Josh didn’t look up at Tyler. He didn’t turn around. He looked down into the drain in the sink, and wondered if it was possible to melt himself down and sink into the pipes.
Tyler went on, “Or, at least you did when you were running. Um. I tend to forget to eat during exam season, so I like to keep snacks on me.” Josh heard Tyler pull his backpack off and open it up, digging around until he found a tin. He popped it open, and Josh heard the crinkling of a bag before Tyler stepped right up behind him. “Take these. Even if you don’t like them. It’s food. And sugar. It’ll at least get you through the rest of the day.”
Josh turned around, and it was the first time he really looked at Tyler. He had a small smile on his face, and a blue sweater with the strings tied in a bow that read ‘New Albany High School’ in big, yellow letters. And in his hands, a small bag of Cheetos, and a little bottle of apple juice. There was no judgment in his face, though Josh wasn’t the greatest at reading expressions anyway. Just concern. Care. For someone he didn’t even know.
Josh hesitated, but after a few seconds, he took the Cheetos and apple juice from Tyler’s hands.
“Thanks.”
“It’s no problem,” Tyler beamed, kneeling down to tuck his tin back into his backpack. “Do you need anything else? Do you want me to walk you to the nurse? Or stay here and make sure you don’t pass out?”
Josh didn’t understand. Tyler had no reason to be so nice to him. Yet here he was, talking to Josh as though they were longtime friends. And for a second, Josh was going to accept the offer.
But then he looked up, and he saw Tyler’s eyes.
They were big and round, a type of mossy green and coffee brown he’d never seen before, and they sparkled brightly even in the flickering, dim, gross, almost brown bathroom light. They reminded him of a forest; woods and trees he could get lost in, and ponds that he could drown in. He imagined how the night sky would look through the branches, how many stars he could track, and how many shapes he could draw in them.
And suddenly, any relief he had felt from the nausea had gone away, and he felt the prickling fire of bile rise in his throat.
“Nope! All good! Thank you for this. You can go.”
He could’ve kicked himself. Honestly, he should’ve. This could have been good for him. He might actually have someone to talk to outside of Mark and Debby, who were great. But they were Mark and Debby, his best friends since kindergarten. He needed to branch out. He wanted to fall in love. He cursed his stupid heart for threatening to jump out of his mouth at the sight of Tyler.
So Tyler left. And Josh was all alone with the snacks he could barely bring himself to eat.
He woke up in the ER later that afternoon. And all he could do was pray that Tyler hadn’t been the one to find him passed out in the bathroom.
Josh knew Tyler had siblings. But he didn’t realize he had lived so close. He wasn’t sure if Tyler recognized him. But Josh could never forget his face. Even if his hair was now a sugary sweet shade of lollipop pink.
Tyler stood up out of his lawn chair, and Josh could only hold his breath as he stepped up close to him. Too close. Close enough that Josh could feel his presence before he even touched him. He felt Tyler’s hand cradle the back of his, and a piece of paper was pressed into his palm. Josh looked down at his hand, seeing the crisp five-dollar bill that Tyler had given to him.
Tyler leaned in to whisper in Josh’s ear, so close that he could feel the air from his lips against his cheek as he spoke, and it would have completely done Josh in if he had no strength at all. He was grateful to at least have had some.
“She hasn’t made a sale all week,” Tyler whispered, “Ask her for a double. Four dollars for a tip.”
Tyler stepped away, and Josh found himself needy for the presence he’d left behind.
“Actually, as it turns out. I’ll take a double,” Josh said to the girl, repeating what Tyler had told him. “I’ve only got a five. How does a four-dollar tip sound?”
“Four dollars?” the girl gawked, clearly under the impression that four dollars was a substantially life-changing amount of money. “That sounds good to me!”
She took the cash from Josh’s hand and instantly served him up two cups of lemonade, which felt freezing cold as he held them in his warm, sweaty hands. He didn’t need two cups, of course, but he supposed it wasn’t so much of a bad thing. He looked over to Tyler, who had already returned to his seat and was watching him with a soft smile. Josh made a conscious effort not to look at his eyes.
“Here, uh…” Josh looked down at one of the cups in his hand and stepped forward a few steps to where Tyler was sitting. “Do you want one? Since it was your money, and all.”
Josh mumbled the last part, so only Tyler could hear, or at least read his lips. He watched Tyler look him up and down, setting his elbow up on the arm of the chair and propping his hand up with his fist.
“Sure,” Tyler smiled, “If you don’t want it. Thanks.”
Josh didn’t say anything, just held the cup out to Tyler. Their fingers brushed together as Tyler took the cup from his hand, and it took all of Josh’s strength to not seize up and drop the cup on the ground.
The lemonade was nothing special. Maybe a bit too sweet, but he imagined the little girl had made it herself, and kids loved sugar. Josh could tell that Tyler had more to say, but he couldn’t afford to get caught up in a conversation with him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
So without another word, Josh took his cup and left. He kept on walking, except when he got to the end of the cul-de-sac, he turned back in the direction of his house. He was sure enough time had passed that his parents should have left for work by now, and he was safe to go home. Tyler didn’t call after him. And it didn’t hurt him one bit.
Josh wasn’t sure how he got to Tyler’s house, but he knew how to get home. There was no pep in his step, no urgency. Just a heaviness in his chest, and an ache in his stomach that not even the sugar in his lemonade could satiate. He crushed the plastic cup in his hand and tossed it in the first trash bin he saw on his walk.
He didn’t think about Tyler. He never thought about Tyler. He didn’t think about him that night he woke up in the ER. He didn’t acknowledge him when he waved to him in the hallway later that week. He didn’t bat an eye when a player on their basketball team sacrificed a basket just to throw the ball directly at Tyler’s face. His stomach didn’t drop when he saw the blood drip down Tyler’s nose, and watched him be walked off the field by his dad, his coach, and the school nurse. He didn’t see Tyler in dreams at night, or think about his eyes whenever he looked up at the stars. He couldn’t afford to think about Tyler. So he didn’t.
And then he graduated, and Tyler stayed put, still needing to go through another year of schooling. And he was perfectly content to never see him again. And he hadn’t seen him. Not once. Not out grocery shopping, not at his sister’s school events, and not on the walks he took to get away.
So what drew him to Tyler’s street this time?
It was almost magnetic, the way Josh felt he had been pulled down the sidewalk. And under any other circumstance, he would have ignored the little girl with the lemonade stand. Josh didn’t talk to people. And he didn’t like kids. But something wasn’t right.
He didn’t dwell on it. It was probably nothing.
He’d made it back to his house in no time, thrilled to find no cars in the driveway. His parents had both left for work, and he wouldn’t have to deal with them until dinner.
Pushing open the front door, he was hit with the sweet smell of vanilla, and a warmth despite the running AC. He followed the smell to the kitchen, where his sister was sat facing the oven, filming herself lip-syncing to a sped up song on TikTok. She nearly dropped her phone when she saw him, scrambling to her feet and hiding the mess she’d made on the counter with her arms.
“Josh! I didn’t think you would be home yet!” She said, turning around and gathering her dirty measuring cups and bowls. “This was supposed to be a surprise!”
Ashley was the oldest of Josh’s younger siblings, but as far as his parents were concerned, she was the big sister. And he supposed that was fair. She had her life far more put together than he did by the age of 15, and she even worked part-time at the ice cream shack in the summer. While Josh was proud of her, he would never get used to the constant reminders from his parents of just how much better than him she was. Why can’t you be more like Ashley? or Ashley’s got herself a job, what’s your excuse? The ice cream shack wouldn’t hire Josh. They didn’t like his tattoos.
Josh started connecting the dots of the sweet smell in the air and what looked like cake batter smeared on the kitchen counter. But he didn’t want to get too far ahead of himself. Ashley could have been making cake for any reason. She could have been celebrating the start of summer vacation. It probably had nothing to do with his birthday. He was too old for that, and she didn’t owe it to him. He didn’t get his hopes up that somebody had remembered for reasons greater than to taunt him.
“What’s supposed to be a surprise?” Josh asked, looking over her shoulder at the two containers of Pillsbury vanilla frosting peeking out of the shopping bag by the stove. Ashley turned to where he was looking and quickly pulled the edges of the bag up over the frosting. “Ash. I already saw it.”
Ashley pouted, looking back at Josh with disappointment in her eyes. “I wanted to surprise you for your birthday since we didn’t do anything last year. I bought cake mix, and I'm making cupcakes. I didn’t know what to get you for a gift, so I just bought your favorite ice cream.” She leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. “But it was supposed to be a surprise.”
Josh couldn’t help but notice that the flutter in his chest held a significantly different type of rhythm than the one he felt when he brushed fingers with Tyler. He hadn’t expected his sister to do something for him. He certainly hadn’t expected his parents to, either.
“You didn’t have to do anything for me,” he said, tilting his head, “I don’t need a gift.”
“I just wanted you to know I appreciate you,” Ashley shrugged, “And I thought you deserved something nice.”
Ashley might have been the only person in the world with that mindset. But at least there was someone. And maybe this wouldn’t be the greatest birthday of his life. But he would never be able to express to her how grateful he was that she cared. And maybe everything would be okay. If there was no one else in his corner, at least he had Ashley.
But if everything was going to stay okay, steady, comfortable, then there was one thing that needed to stay sure.
He could not risk running into Tyler Joseph again. Or whatever comfort he could still afford to cling to would never hold a candle to how detrimentally he would ruin his own life.