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When I woke up on the Hail Mary, half of my vision was gone.
Instinctually I recognized this was wrong. I was supposed to see wider than this. But it was shoved to the back of my mind while I tried to figure out where I was, or even who I was. Additionally, there was no pain, so I simply put it out of my mind.
Compartmentalization was important, kids.
I didn’t think about it for a while. I adjusted fairly easily, considering at first I didn’t remember having another eye. When I started getting flashes of memories, flashes of a full field of vision, that was when I got curious.
I took off my glasses and looked at myself in whatever reflective surfaces I could find. My eye socket was just… bare. No eye, blind or otherwise to be seen. I expected it, of course. I didn’t feel an eye, so there must not have been one.
Surprisingly, looking at my empty socket did not spark any memories. Huh, weird. Well, the memories would return when they were ready.
-
“You can make this easier for all of us, Dr. Grace,” Stratt said, her face brutally impartial as she stared at me. I was tense, keyed up and ready to flee.
Stratt’s men tried to corner me, but I managed to dodge them. I found my way outside and managed to lose my current pursuers in the process, but they would definitely still be looking for me.
I should’ve figured it would end up this way, with me running from a bunch of guards. There was no way I could escape, but maybe I could buy myself some time. Time for what, exactly? I wasn’t sure, okay?! It was hard to make a plan when you were running for your life.
I ended up tucking myself into a small corner of the facility, specifically the tiny area between two buildings. The guards were still scurrying about, trying to find me. Wow, I was so important to Stratt. It would've warmed my heart if it wasn't so frustrating.
I took a breath. Then another. I needed to calm down and think rationally. What could I do to convince Stratt to let me stay? It would have to be something drastic. Something she wouldn’t expect from me.
I looked around my hiding place. I didn’t see anything immediately helpful. However, I did commend my instincts in choosing a spot. The two buildings were clearly not important enough to have guards stationed nearby, as the sound of boots tromping was considerably far away.
I scanned my hiding place once more. Something caught my eye. It snagged my vision like a hook would a particularly stupid fish. It was a sharp, jagged piece of material. It looked metallic to me, but the important part was that it was sharp. This… This could work, I thought to myself.
I grabbed the metal before I could talk myself out of it. Once I had it in my hand, I paused. What was I even gonna do with it? Stab one of the guards? C’mon, I couldn't stab anyone.
Well, I guess I could stab myself. That might make it hard for me to go on the mission, wouldn’t it? I didn’t particularly want to hurt myself, of course, but if it prevented me from going to space? I’d take the risk.
I thought about it a little more. Stabbing could work, I nodded with clinical detachment, but it would probably heal by the time I… woke from the coma. No, I needed something more permanent.
I looked at the blade I’d found. I could see the faint reflection of my eyes on the metallic surface. Oh. Hm. Now that could work.
I could gouge my own eyes out.
I didn't want to do it.
My eyes were an essential part of my life. I would be giving up more than just my sight if I were to go through with this. My entire world would change in an instant. But… it was live on Earth blind, or die somewhere in space on a suicide mission.
I didn’t want to die.
With a shaking hand, I raised the blade to my face. I used my free hand to remove my glasses. The blade was closer to my eye, and with the barrier of my glasses now removed, it terrified me.
Could I really be doing this? Giving up my sight? Maybe I should just go- no. Absolutely not. I was not dying in space, no how, no way!
It was this or death.
I took a deep, steadying breath. My hand trembled a little less. I could feel tears beginning to gather as I attempted to psych myself up to gouge my own eye out.
“C’mon,” I whispered to myself. “You can-”
Someone shouted nearby.
Oh shizzle. That was close. Closer than it should be. I didn’t have time to think anymore. I needed to do this, and do it now.
With a sharp swallow, I steadied my hand on the metal piece. Its sharpest point was right next to my eye. It was nauseating.
“Dr. Grace!”
With a jolt, I realized this was it. Now or never.
I shoved the blade into my right eye.
The pain was excruciating. I ripped the blade from my eye. I gurgled, unconsciously releasing my grip on the metal. It clattered to the ground. Pain was all I could feel.
My eye burned. Something hot and thick dribbled down my cheek. Ah, blood. That’s what it had to be, I thought distantly.
Something grabbed my upper arm. No, no, I still had to do the other eye! The hand, that’s what it was, started to haul me away. Pain radiated from my eye, or whatever was left of it. I tried to wrench my arm away, but the pain made it hard to think, hard to rally my strength.
Someone grabbed my jacket. With a sharp cry, I lunged for the metal on the ground. I almost made it. My fingertips brushed the blade for a split second before more hands were grabbing me and pulling me away. No, no! I needed to finish what I started.
My head hurt. It was getting really hard to think. My working eye was starting to go blurry, but it was unclear whether it was from tears or from the pain. Or both. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry more.
So I did. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. People were moving around me, restraining me. I heard the crackle of a walkie somewhere to my right. I opened my mouth and started to yell. My words were unintelligible, but it felt good to scream.
A bright light flashed in my working eye. I stared at it, then continued to scream, almost delirious from pain. Something sharp poked at my neck, and a moment later I felt my body beginning to droop and relax despite my mental protests. My struggles grew weaker, my cries grew silent, and my tears died.
I felt… exhausted. My eye hurt so much. Maybe it would be okay if I just rested. If I let myself relax, let myself sleep. Maybe then I’d wake up and things would be okay.
With one last lurch towards the bloody blade I’d used to mutilate my eye, I slumped into the rough hands grasping me. I sobbed. My working eye closed, and the eyelid of my injured eye attempted to close as well.
I drifted.
-
I woke up with a gasp.
My breaths came in heaves, deep and ragged. I could vaguely hear scuttling somewhere out of my sight line, which was probably Rocky going to his ball.
Surely enough, a moment later musical notes drifted from somewhere to his right.
“Grace okay, question?”
I couldn’t respond. My body wouldn’t respond. I unconsciously curled into a ball, phantom pain radiating from my eye socket. Oh god. I remembered everything.
Why would I do that? Why would they let me do that? I gouged my own eye out and I still ended up here. What was the point? I mutilated myself and yet it was useless.
My breathing was getting faster. I curled in on myself more. I could hear Rocky making extremely worried sounds, peppered with his word for my name. He was clearly worried, but I couldn’t calm down enough to give him reassurance. The only thing that escaped his mouth was a drawn out whine.
“Grace stay,” Rocky announced. “Rocky be back.”
Rocky’s ball cluttered away. I thought it was odd, of course, him leaving during my distress, but maybe Rocky was finally tired of his freakouts. Maybe he was finally done with Grace.
“Rocky return!”
Holy shit he was close. How-!?
Something touched my left arm.
I flinched, involuntarily yelping. I looked over, and almost passed out at the sight.
I summoned my strength, and coughed out a questioning noise between my pants. Rocky was standing there in a xenonite suit, one almost form fitting.
He trilled happily. He did a little shuffle.
“Rocky work in secret! Surprise for Grace! Make Grace feel better?”
I chuckled wetly. My cheeks were soaked, but I managed to reel in my feelings for Rocky’s sake. I offered him a small smile.
“Looks great, Rock,” I told him. Rocky did his jazz hands, and I laughed a little. I reached up and wiped at my cheeks.
“Grace leaky,” Rocky said. He bumped the top of his carapace gently against me, and the touch helped so much it was unbelievable.
With a soft sigh, I slumped against Rocky. Rocky stilled, used to the habit from when he was in the ball. I loved to drape myself over Rocky’s ball, only now, it was closer. More intimate. I could almost feel the heat of Rocky’s body through the xenonite.
I let my eyes fluttered shut, and we stayed there for a while, intertwined.
“...Contact end now, question?”
I laughed, and wrapped my arms around him. “Not quite yet, Rock.”
Rocky trilled. “Good. Want Grace be happy. Will be here for Grace.”
I smiled, pressing my cheek against the xenonite.
“Thanks, bud.”