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Colin has been a boyfriend before.
Well, technically only one other time, but he’s definitely been a late-night designated driver to more than two girls. Not that many more, but not any less. Point is, he’s had his fair share of time babysitting drunk twenty-somethings. And tonight is no exception.
For Penelope’s birthday, Eloise insisted on a girls’ night at the club to celebrate with two of Colin’s other sisters and a bunch of their mutual friends.
Notably, not Colin. No boys allowed.
He moped about it plenty, but he and Penelope had their own secret celebration last night when he surprised her with a fancy dinner and romantic boat ride across the Thames. And birthday sex. Lots of birthday sex. It was arguably more fun than a night of dancing.
Colin probably could have weaseled his way to the party, but that would mean letting everyone in on their little secret.
Penelope and Colin were together. Together, together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Significant others.
Yes, Penelope, long-time family friend, is the second girl he’s been in an official relationship with. And she’ll be his last. He knew it from the moment they kissed. Maybe even from the moment they met.
It was fairly new, and Penelope was content in their secret bubble for now. Sneaking around is fun and the stakes are high; Penelope is part of the family whether or not things work out. She lives with his sister. Has a standing invitation to his mother’s Sunday brunch. Stood as a bridesmaid in Daphne’s wedding. Spent the past two Christmases with them.
The facade is becoming harder to keep up as time passes, and it’s only been just over a month. Judging by the look Penelope gives him when he arrives to drive her and Eloise home from the club, tonight will put his acting skills to the test.
“Hello,” she greets, cheeks flushed and makeup smudged prettily under her eyes. He clenches his fists to avoid touching her.
“Hi.”
“Our chauffeur is here!” Eloise shouts, flanked by Daphne and Francesca.
“You two need rides?” He asks while they load Eloise into the car.
“Michaela’s sober. She’s driving us,” Francesca says. “Good luck with… all that.”
“He knows exactly what to do with all that,” Penelope says, leaning into his side.
He and Penelope were always very touchy as friends, so they can get away with a fair amount of physical affection. But his sisters grin knowingly. Maybe they haven’t been as discreet as he thought.
When Colin opens the door, Penelope falls backwards into the passenger seat with a high-pitched yelp. The movement makes her top ride down, threatening to flash all the roadside onlookers. She struggles to adjust it whilst trying to sit up, but as soon as he catches sight of all the leering, Colin reaches in and pulls it up for her.
And she gives him the look. Wanting eyes, lashes fluttering against shimmery cheeks, a mischievous grin…
He winks and shakes his head before shutting the door. Relentless, that one.
“Turn on some musiiiiic!” Eloise shouts from the backseat once Colin starts the car.
Penelope’s phone automatically connects to Colin’s car bluetooth, but instead of fanangling with the different connections, she pulls his out of the cupholder and logs in.
“Wait, how’d you know his password?” Eloise slurs, peering over Penelope’s shoulder as she picks a song. Colin’s grip on the steering wheel tightens.
“I know your password, too, silly,” Penelope says casually. “And you know mine.”
“Yeah, but I don’t know Colin’s.”
“Well, I bet he’d tell you if you asked.”
Midnight Sun is blaring through the speakers before Eloise has a chance to reply. Colin exhales. Listening to them scream-sing is better than trying to explain why he doesn’t want to give his password to his sister. Penelope doesn’t seem bothered by any of it. Or maybe she’s just too drunk to care.
She flings her hair around and Eloise is fully on her knees in the backseat, singing into her phone like a mic. Colin’s a good driver. Careful and attentive, and though he would very much prefer them to settle down, it’d be a losing battle. Eloise will do the opposite of whatever he says and Penelope will pout and remind him that it’s her birthday. And he’ll want to kiss her. And that can’t happen.
“Never ending midnight suuuuun…”
Penelope leans backwards and belts out the bridge, red hair pooling in his lap as she looks up at him. Eloise can’t see them from this angle, so he buries a hand in her hair and rubs at her scalp until she’s giggling.
She hops up when the song changes, clambering to her knees to sing at Eloise over the seat.
“I’m freezing outside, I feel my skin tight…”
“Pen, can you sit down?” He asks nervously, overpowered by the music.
“When is the next time I’ll run into you?”
A group of girls outside starts singing along when they pull up to a stoplight, and Eloise leans out the window to join them. While his sister is distracted, Colin reaches for Penelope’s hip and guides her back down into an appropriate sitting position.
“Baby, you have to sit,” he says, rubbing her thigh.
“But I wanna dance,” she pouts.
He taps her chin with his knuckle. “You’re cute. We’re almost home.”
The light turns green, but they only move up a few spaces before it’s yellow and then red again. Eloise sits back down and starts banging on Penelope’s seat.
“Fire drill! Fire drill!”
Penelope screams and Colin shakes his head.
“Guys, please stay in the–” both girls scramble out of the car and crash into each other in the street as they switch places. “–car.”
Eloise cranks the radio to all the way up with an excited shout when the next song comes on. Penelope claps her hands and whoops, because it’s one of their favorites.
“Me not working hard? Yeah right, picture that with a Kodak.”
“Blimey,” Colin winces and turns the volume down a couple ticks. “This damn song.”
Penelope’s suddenly on all fours in the back, shaking her arse to the tune of Give Me Everything while Eloise slaps her bum. Colin doesn’t even have the chance to watch before the light’s green again and they’ve finally made it through the intersection. In all of her drunkenness, Penelope at least has the wherewithal to sit back down when the car starts moving.
“Tonight, I will love-love you tonight…”
Penelope sets her foot on the center console and painstakingly removes her chunky heel, which cannot possibly be a good sign.
“Pen, what are you–”
And, really, in hindsight, it’s his own fault for leaving the sunroof open. He was basically asking for one of them to stand up in the moving vehicle and lean their upper body out into the evening air. So it should be way less surprising when his sweet, reserved Penelope hollers that it’s her birthday from the top of the car.
“Penelope!” He shouts. “Get down!”
Eloise is cackling and pedestrians are cheering Penelope on while Pitbull raps at full volume. Colin reaches back and tugs on her knee until she gives in and collapses into the seat.
Penelope points to Eloise.
“Grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em hey.”
And, in a significantly less surprising move, Penelope motions Eloise forward so they can fake make-out between the seats, which is a routine move for them on a night out. They wag their tongues in each other’s faces until they’re laughing too hard to keep going. Oddly enough, it used to make him jealous. They never actually kiss, but something about Penelope’s tongue being that close to someone else made his blood run hot.
He finds it funnier now that he’s the one who actually gets to kiss her.
“I might drink a little more than I should tonight.”
Penelope turns around and leans her head back against his shoulder from behind while she seamlessly raps the entire second verse. She’s basically screaming in his ear, but he doesn’t mind. How could he when her curls are brushing against his face like that?
“Give me everything tonight…”
They played the life out of this song back when it first came out, but Colin has to admit it’s catchy. He finds himself nodding along to the beat as he drives, even after Penelope moves her head off him to look for something on the floor. Good thing Eloise sings loud enough for the both of them.
“Oh my God, I’ve been looking for this for ages!” Penelope gasps, holding up a tube of lipgloss.
“How did it get in Colin’s car?” Eloise asks, turning down the music.
Colin sputters for a moment before answering. “I’ve driven you guys home, like, a hundred times. Who knows?”
It’s a bald-faced lie, of course. Penelope lost it three weeks ago after they went to dinner at a new spot downtown. They tore his flat apart looking for it, but it must have fallen out of her bag last time she sat in the back. Though, sitting is not the word he would use to describe what they did in the backseat that night.
Eloise keeps dancing and screaming enough to shake the car, and Colin winces before quietly singing along. If he can’t beat them, he might as well join them.
A soft, tiny sponge pokes his cheek and jams him in the chin.
“Ow!” He yelps, rubbing his face. “What are you doing?”
“I want to put my lipgloss on you!” Penelope slurs, reaching forward between the seats and swiping the applicator across his jaw. “Your lips are so luscious.”
Eloise doesn’t notice, having rolled down her window to sing her song to passerbys on the street. He smiles at Penelope in the mirror as she determinedly tries to reach his mouth from behind. She pokes him again and he swerves the car.
“Hang on, Pen. Not now.”
“No, the color’s perfect for you,” she whines.
“Yeah, but…” the light he’s approaching thankfully turns red, and he turns in his seat when the car stops. “Okay, lay it on me.”
Her hand rests lightly on his cheek as she swipes the gloss over his bottom lip. She dips the applicator back in the tube before doing his top lip, and her crossed vision has her focusing extra hard on the task. There’s this adorable wrinkle between her brows and he can feel her breath on his chin.
“Rub your lips together,” she orders.
He follows suit and looks in the rearview mirror, pursing his lips at his reflection.
Eloise laughs. “Oh, fabulous.”
“Beautiful!” Penelope declares, reaching forward again and grabbing his chin to pull him back for a kiss.
It’s so natural; something they’ve done a thousand times already and will do a million more. A quick press of their lips together. No big deal.
Except–
“What the fuck?!” Eloise screeches.
The car behind him honks and Colin surges forward. He can’t even process what’s just happened, so he focuses on the road with wide, surprised eyes.
“Did you just kiss?”
Colin coughs. “Uh…”
Instead of explaining, Penelope lunges forward and turns the volume back up. “Von Dutch cult classic but I still pop!”
She goes back to dancing and singing like nothing happened, but Eloise is looking back and forth between them, utterly bewildered.
“Colin!” She demands, shoving his arm.
“What?”
“You and Penelope kissed like it was nothing! What the fuck? Have you done that before?” Eloise punches at him as they pull up to another light, because the universe is determined to make this ride last forever.
“Eloise, stop,” he says, trying to push her off of him.
“You and Penelope kissed!”
She stops hitting him, which would be a relief if she didn’t open the door and run out of the car.
“Eloise, wait!” Penelope shouts, running after her.
“Fuckin’ hell…” he curses, unbuckling his his seatbelt to go chase them down.
They’re arguing behind the car, but only speaking in nonsensical terms that he cannot begin to decipher. Someone catcalls out their window and another honks, which Colin rolls his eyes at.
“Light’s still red, mate,” he grumbles, stepping between the girls and crouching down in front of Penelope.
Their height difference, though sometimes a hindrance, comes in handy in moments like this. He tosses her over his shoulder and stands.
“It’s not like we’ve been– oh, Colin!” Penelope yelps.
“You have got to stay in the car, Pen,” he says, holding onto her legs to keep her steady. “You aren’t even wearing bloody shoes!”
She makes a defeated hmph noise and grabs at his ass before he drops her in the backseat. He pulls her top up again and she bites her lip while he leans over her.
“You’ve a cute bum,” she giggles.
He kisses her again. Can’t help himself, really. He’s getting compulsive about it. “Reel it in, cowboy. We’re almost home.”
Eloise immediately shakes her head at him when he approaches. “Do not even think about picking me up!” She demands.
Colin sighs, hands on his hips. “Well, are you going to get back in the car?”
She crosses her arms. “No.”
The light is going to turn at any moment, and they’ll be the cause of the most ridiculous traffic jam in London. There’s no time for convincing.
“Then you give me no choice.”
He wraps his arms around her and lifts her gracelessly. She thrashes against him, yelling about autonomy and him kissing her best friend to no avail. The car behind him applauds as he lays his screaming sister opposite Penelope and slams the door shut. After a sarcastic bow, a honk tells him the light is green again.
“Sorry!” He shouts before slamming his door and pushing on the gas.
They finally let him keep the music at a normal volume and even stay still enough not to bump the car every which way. The ride is finally smooth as they lay drunkenly in the backseat.
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. You had a thing and you didn’t tell me!” Eloise complaines.
“I wanted to make sure it was real because if it wasn’t, I would’ve been so sad and telling you and everyone would’ve been for nothing,” says Penelope.
“‘Course it’s real, stupid.”
“What do you even mean, El?”
“He has, like, googly eyes for you. It’s so fucking annoying.”
Penelope lifts her head and looks at him in the rearview mirror with bleary eyes. “Colin, did you have googly eyes for me?”
“Of course, love. Always.”
She drops her head back and groans. “Oh my God. You’re so perfect it’s like I wrote you.”
“He is not,” Eloise deadpans. “He slept with a teddy bear late into his teens and ate, like, a concerning amount of boogers when we were little.”
“Don’t be mean to Teddy," Penelope says, laying back down. “He’s a great cuddler.”
“He still sleeps with that fucking bear?!”
“We sleep with Teddy now,” Colin grins.
“Oh, God. Have you had sex in the flat?”
Silence.
Eloise screams. “We share a wall, Penelope!”
“We’re literally so considerate! The fact that you didn’t know is proof!”
“Can we stop at the mental hospital, Colin? I’m seriously feeling suicidal over this.”
“Eloise, that’s not funny,” Colin says.
“It’s a little funny,” Eloise grumbles.
Penelope snorts and the girls burst into drunken giggles, their strife already forgotten.
They start speaking in that way only the two of them understand. Benedict calls it Penelo-ese. It’s English plus inside joke lingo and spoken at a speed so rapid it takes everyone else a bit to process what might have been said. And, of course, Penelo-ese is even harder to understand when alcohol is involved.
He picks up a sorry and a few Colins. A didn’tknowhow and several ohmygods, accompanied by loveyousomuch and literallyobsessedwithyou. There’s giggling and bickering and finally, finally, he pulls up to their building.
Eloise is less drunk than Penelope, apparently, because she gets out of the car with no issues while Penelope stumbles as soon as her feet touch the ground. The laying-down-and-getting-up probably wasn’t a great idea, but at least she took off her heels.
Colin catches her and she groans, pausing until she realizes it’s him and continuing forward until her face is pressed against his shirt.
“You can stay and you don’t even have to sneak in,” she says. “‘Loise knows and I’m too drunk to let you in anyway.”
“Shit, Pen,” he laughs. “What did you guys drink?”
She lifts her head and looks at Eloise. “Tequillllaaaaa,” they slur in unison.
“Alright, come here.”
He picks her up and carries her inside bridal-style, which Eloise rolls her eyes at until Penelope starts pretending they’re in Pride and Prejudice.
“Oh, Mr. Darcy! You’ve saved me!” She says exaggeratedly. “Charlotte, look!”
“I’m 27! And have no money or prospects and I’m a burden to my parents! And I’m frightened!” Eloise recites. “Elizabeth, let’s run away together and spend our days in the country and be buried together as roommates who definitely never explored each other’s bodies!”
Penelope laughs and then hiccups, swinging her legs against Colin. “And they were roommates.”
“Oh my God, they were roommates,” Eloise and Colin say together as they walk into the flat.
Colin helps Penelope change into a camisole and a clean pair of shorts. She’s bright and floppy and humming the tune to a song he’s never heard, but her eyes shut as soon as her head hits the pillow.
“I’m gonna grab some water,” he says, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Don’t be too long,” she mumbles drowsily.
In the kitchen, he fills two cups of water and downs half of one before Eloise interrupts him.
“Ugh. You’re, like, always going to be here now, aren’t you?”
“Probably,” he says, passing her a glass of water. “I’m… I’m sorry to have kept it from you. We didn’t know how to navigate it all and decided to be cautious, just in case.”
She looks at him incredulously. “In case of what?”
He shrugs. If it were up to him, they’d be halfway down the aisle by now and on a plane to somewhere tropical by morning. “I dunno.”
“Oh, Penelope,” Eloise sighs. “Too cynical for her own good.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“She’s the number one believer of ‘if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.’ And the bar for ‘too good to be true’ is, like, in hell. Courtesy of–”
“Portia Featherington,” he finishes.
“Portia Featherington,” she repeats. “Well, I don’t need to threaten you or anything. You’d off yourself before I got the chance to if you fucked it up.”
Colin laughs and nods. Eloise’s truths tend to cut straight to the bone. “Yeah. You’re right.”
Drunk and adorable, Penelope stumbles out of her room, mascara smeared across her cheek, frizzed hair a halo around her head, and belly poking out from between her tank top and panties.
“Hi,” she says confusedly.
“You good?” Colin asks.
Eloise holds up a hand. “Wait for it.”
Before Colin can ask what she means, Penelope clasps a hand over her mouth and beelines for the toilet.
“Aaaand there it is,” Eloise says, tipping her glass of water at him. “What a ride, huh? Congratulations, brother. This one’s yours.”
He laughs. “Night, Eloise.”
“Night,” she calls over her shoulder.
Colin grabs another glass of water and finds a scrunchie before joining his girlfriend on the bathroom floor. He plaits her hair while she leans into the toilet and passes her the water when she collapses back against him.
“I’m a mess,” she groans.
“Yeah, but you’re my mess,” he mutters into her temple. “Happy birthday.”
“I love you,” she sighs. “Thanks for the ride.”
It was a bit hellish for him, but he’d do it again in a heartbeat. Spending time with her and making sure she gets home safe is a win-win in his book.
“Love you, too,” he grins. “Anytime.”