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Tosaki comes back home and Kei is reminded how fragile human lives are.
They lay him down in his own room in the hideout. Thoughts of a move have been picked up and then tossed aside. Mid-drive after the rescue had been successfully completed, Tosaki had briefly come to his senses and yanked onto Kei's shirt.
"I didn't tell them anything, Nagai. Not a word." he'd slurred, before passing back out. He doesn't reach conciousness again, although a steadily beating heart claims survival.
Unanimously, the decision is made to trust his words until further notice. Ogura and him are sceptic, while Nakano and Hirasawa are preaching optimism. Hirasawa's colleagues are siding with him. Izumi refrains from speaking. She sits down in a chair next to Tosaki's bed, and when Kei glances into the room long past midnight, she hasn't moved from her spot.
Ogura conducts a brief physical examination. Tosaki is, miraculously, alive. There are no sign of him having fallen into a coma. Kei traces his fingers over the puncture wounds marring his neck. They're ugly reminders that even one as calculated and composed as Tosaki could be broken within a matter of minutes.
Izumi refuses to leave his room. Kei wants to tell her she's showing the same weakness Tosaki would have hated, but the words get stuck in his throat. He ends up staying there with her.
Nakano brings up food and a reminder from Hirasaw-san that the training is still ongoing. Kei leaves with him only because Nakano says "that's what Tosaki-san would have wanted". (Kei wonders when they started speaking about the head of their operation team in the past tense).
The hours stretch endlessly. They struggle finding new structure. Another decision is made to put any further missions on hold until further notice. Hirasawa makes them run a few laps followed by sit-ups, but Kei can tell his mind is elsewhere. Nakano completes his exercise just as, if not even more vigorously than he usually would, determined to work hard in Tosaki's absence. Kei gives up midway. He feels not only unwilling but drained of every hope he might have had. They don't stand a chance without Tosaki. Where is the point in exercising at all? Nakano yells after him to get back, first surprised, then irritated, finally pleading. Kei doesn't around.
Ogura smokes a whole packet in a day where he would have smoked half. Kei sits with him outside, watches the sun set over the hideout and Nakano fire away at the targets.
"You're not going to join your friend?" Ogura asks.
"We're not friends." Kei replies immediately.
"You don't hate each other, though." Ogura says, contemplatively.
The Ajin scoffs. "We understood the necessity of alliance." he corrects his statement.
"But not for today?"
Ogura sure is pushy. Kei glances at him briefly before shaking his head. "Not today." he repeats.
Ogura puffs out a cloud of smoke that disperses in the orange hue and leans back. The bench they're seated on creaks ever so slightly. "Tosaki's going to be alright." the scientist says quietly.
Kei lets the statement pass without a comment. (He wonders if Ogura is trying to reassure him, why he would do such a thing.)
Kei expects Satou to make his next move that day, because it would be as tragic as it would be hilarious, but he doesn't.
When it's time for dinner, there still haven't been any reports of a recent murder. The evening news flicker over the screen. The mood is glum.
"Please eat, Nagai-kun." Izumi tells him in a tense voice, pushing away her own, completely untouched bowl. Nakano parrots her, and Kei doesn't find the strength to glare at him for his trademark unnecessary input.
The newsspeaker announces a large scale accident at that very moment, perking everyone's attention, but it is a truck collision on a Highway, far away from the Ministry, with no casualties and apparently no Ajin involves. The news turn to the weather.
"Well, good grief." Hirasawa mumbles, relaxing his shoulders with a relieved sigh.
Kei stands up and leaves the room without another remark. No-one calls after him, but he picks up Ogura's voice when he reaches the top of the stairs.
"Go after him."
Nakano is awkward standing in his doorway, and Nakano is even more awkward inching his way forward, each step a plea for an excuse to leave immediately.
"Want me to turn on the light?" he asks, uncertainly, "Hirasawa said it would be better for your mental-"
"Do that, and I'll take out my IBM." Kei hisses. It's an empty threat. He's feeling so weak by now, so useless, that he could not take out his IBM if he tried.
Nakano is unaware of that, though. Luckily.
His teammate shudders, remembering his last encounter with Kei's Ghost.
"No light, then." he agrees, and steps closer until he's standing right in front of Kei's bed.
He stares at him for a few seconds.
"What?" Kei mumbles eventually. Nakano's silence is driving him insane.
"Can I sit...down?" Nakano asks.
Kei lets out a suffering sigh. "Do what you want." he tells him, and rolls around so his back is facing Nakano, "All of you are so annoying, always doing what you want, always-"
"Shut up!" Nakano's voice cuts him off, and Kei seizes his flow of speech.
"You're the one who's always doing what he wants!" , the other boy says, sounding in equal parts agitated and irritated, "We're all worried about Tosaki, believe it or not. Not only you! But this is a time where we have to stick together! This is not a time where you can go and isolate yourself. Again." Nakano adds the last word quietly.
"Give me a break." Kei responds, purposefully evading the major part of Nakano's statement, "In fact, do what you want, as long as you give me break. I don't care."
There's a beat of silence.
Then, the bed dips. Someone lifts his blanket.
"Are you serious?" he grumbles.
The next second, something cold kicks against his leg.
"Whoops, sorry." Nakano laughs, and Kei's feels his breath tickle his cheeks as he slides up next to him.
Kei resists the urge to pull away at once. The last time someone was this physically close to him, it was Eriko, years ago, when they were still siblings instead of relatives.
"You can have a break." the other Ajin tells him, "If that helps you feel better."
His feet truly are cold and Nakano is as fidgety at this late hour as he is during the rest of the day.
"I'm fine." Kei says, acidly.
He expects Nakano to tell him in this agitated-borderline-irritated tone that he is not, he expects Nakano to voice his frustration and ask him what else he is suppposed to do.
What he does not expect is a pair of arms, far warmer than the rest of the unfamiliar body, wrapping himself, very slowly, around his chest from behind, only drawing him closer when he does not pull away, and a quiet: "Yeah, okay." mumbled into his back.
Then there's silence, blissful and accommodating.
Kei counts the heartbeats thudding against his back. He listens to voices outside in the corridor, steps on the staircases. They fade eventually. The other team members know not to bother him when he wants to be left alone, or so it seems. They probably think they're being sly by sending Nakano up to his room in Hirasawa's or even Ogura's stead.
"Want to talk?" the Ajin in question voices at that very moment.
"Nothing to talk about, much." Kei says, and shrugs.
"For nothing to talk about much you've been pretty down since we rescued Tosaki." Nakano interjects. Kei can feel his body tense, as though he is already preparing to be shoved away for that last comment.
"Just." Kei sighs, unwilling to indulge in what will most likely become a long session of soul-searching with Nakano, "I've just been thinking."
"About?"
"About how easy it is for humans to die." Restless, Kei tugs at the hem of shirt, twisting the material around between his fingers, "What are all those promises and plans worth if you're going to be six feet under the next day? Tell me." The truth tastes bitter.
"So you're saying that life is only meaningful if you're an Ajin?" Nakano asks, accusation swinging in his tone.
"No." He shakes his head. "That is simply a life of endless running and endless dying. Even worse."
Or is it?
He thinks of his sister, dependant on the hospital for the rest of her lives, hoping that every time will be the last, neglected by their own mother, senselessly creating her dreamland forts of hope that are torn down violently at the next relapse.
He thinks of Kaito, confined to prison because of Kei's own foolishness, struggling to survive either way, only to be released, if they don't murder him first, to a perspectiveless future with an adolescent criminal record that will continously place boulders in his way.
A shuddering sigh escapes his lips. "It's pretty pointless either way."
"You know that depression should be taken seriously, right?" Nakano says eventually, voice barely hearable but Kei can make out every word.
He scoffs. "I'm not depressed. I'm realistic."
"No, you are depressed." his teammate states, "And look, I'm not going to say that you don't have reasons for that, or that it's all perspective or some bullshit."
Kei twists his shirt a little tighter. He does not want to have this particular conversation.
"I just want to say that I'm here for you, okay?" Nakano's voice wavers, as though he fears that Kei will snap at him the next second. (A valid fear, in Kei's opinion. If only he were not that tired.)
"And not only me!" Nakano hastens to say, misinterpreting Kei's silence, "The others are, too. I know he's not the touchy-feely type-"
-"Unlike you." Kei mutters-
"But even Tosaki is! I'm sure of that. Alright? You can talk to us."
To Kei, the reminder is equivalent to the feeling of his lungs constricting.
"Or would be if he was not on the brink of dying." he says sarcastically.
"Oh." Nakano realizes his mistake a split second to late, "Oh, shit, I didn't mean it like that, I...ah shit, I'm bad at his." Kei can almost hear him tearing at his hair.
"Forget it, it's fine." Kei says, sighing, knowing Nakano will not stop talking if he doesn't. He draws his blankets up further. The combined warmth that both they and Nakano offer is a blessing and he very nearly feels grateful for his presence, or would, if the other wasn't such a nuisance most of the time.
"I'll be alright in some time."
"Will you, though?" Nakano says, doubtfully.
"I guess."
"Keiii."
"I said I guess!" Kei snaps.
Nakano huffs, unconvinced and suddenly, he senses his cold hand pressing against his back.
"Um. Can I try something?" the other Ajin asks, hesitatingly.
"As long as I can keep on lying her and preferably not die." Kei mutters.
Nakano snorts.
"You won't." he assures him, "But I haven't done this so often, so I apologize in advance, yeah?"
The second hand joins, and they meet between his shoulder blades and spine, before Kei can protest. In the end, he decides to just go with it.
Nakano carefully begins kneading the skin and muscle, hands travelling horizontally to cover the entire width of his back. He slowly works his way downwards.
It's initially painful, but Kei has experienced several more, far more terrifying and more painful things over the last few weeks, so it hardly compares.
"You're extremely tense." Nakano comments, "It's going to be better though. Massages work wonders. Although, you might feel a bit dizzy right after. But that's normal."
"Are you a massagist?" Kei mumbles, lying his head to the side to faciliate his breathing. Nakano is uncertain as he always is, but surprisingly good with his hands.
"No." Nakano digs deeply beneath his shoulder blades. "My brother is a physiotherapist, though. So I, sort of know the one or other thing." he explains, laughing embarassedly. He rambles on further about his brother, his admirance for his older sibling becoming more evident with every word, and Kei is already tuning out.
"That should do." Nakano says, upon finishing, tone brazen with a rare sort of confidence, dropping his hands.
Kei's back is aching slightly, but simultaneously he feels relaxed from the core.
"Thanks. That was good." Kei mumbles a praise.
He glances behind. Nakano is beaming. "Anytime." he says.
Kei cannot remember inviting Nakano to stay the night, but the other curls back under the blankets and sighs contently.
"Night." he mumbles.
"Wait." Kei interjects, "You-"
"Ah, yeah. Sorry." A pair of brown eyes blearily opens.
"Come here." Nakano yawns, and before Kei can protest, he's placed his arms around him again.
"Night.", comes the subsequent mumble, and then Nakano falls silent.
Kei sighs heavily. He contemplates shoving him off and only narrowly decides against it. Nakano's warmth beats the one of the bed by lengths, and with him comes an additional sensation of comfort. As his breaths grow more laboured, his hold around Kei slackens a little but remains in place.
When Kei closes his eyes and pretends a little, he can even imagine it's Kaito who's there with him.
Maybe Hirasawa was right, he thinks with a trace of self-irony.
Maybe he really is but a lonely child.
The next morning comes suddenly. Kei knows within an instant, from the bright sunlight that filters into the room, that he overslept. The alarm clock on his night desk shows 11 am. His first, inner alarm dies down quickly when he realizes the circumstances. The mere fact that they let him sleep in either means that his presence is not required, or they're giving him leeway. Both possibilities are not particularly appealing.
Nakano's side is empty. Kei is glad that he already left. He hopes that the other Ajin will pretend as though they never had a conversation in the first place, as unlikely as that is. Slowly, he gets up and begins dressing for the day, and is finishing by combing through his hair when all of a sudden, Nakano barges in.
"You're up!" he calls out, too cheerful for Kei's taste.
"Don't we have training?" Kei mutters, putting the comb away and fishing for his phone.
Nakano doesn't answer. Kei scrolls through the weather report on his screen, announcing a day as blazingly hot as the one before.
When he looks back up, Nakano is grinning brightly. "We have good news."
Stunned, Kei takes second for the meaning of his demeanor to sink in.
"No." he then says, mouth growing dry and heartbeat picking up, "No." He shakes his head in disbelief, but Nakano's grin remains, widens even.
And Kei loathes himself for the relief crashing over him like a giant wave.
"Awake?" he states, just to assure himself he's not dreaming.
His teammate nods.
"See for yourself." Nakano says, and then he drags him out of the room.
(Kei wonders when his Karma turned around for the better).
"I don't know what fluid it exactly was they kept injecting him with, but I believe it's finally all out. In short, he's had a very rough night, so please be careful." Ogura intercepts them at the doorway to Tosaki's room. The scientist looks positively exhausted.
"Not the only one who had one, right?" Nakano jokes lightly.
"Don't ask." Ogura groans.
"Ogura, who's that?" they hear a familiar voice call from within the room. It's shakier than Kei has ever heard it, but not lacking any of its usual determined, commanding tone.
The scientist frowns and turns away from them.
"You're a grown ass man." Ogura barks back into the room, "You'll see for yourself, if you can bear one more second. And for heaven's sake, don't abuse your voice right now."
"Yes, yes." a relenting mutter coupled with a dismal tongue click follows a few seconds later. Then, there's the crackling of paper. Apparently, Tosaki's catching up on the news, only hours after almost passing away himself. Kei notes with both annoyance and admiration that their chief in command's resolve and self-restraint are as steely as ever.
With a sigh, Ogura ushers them inside, and then closes the door.
Izumi is already there, sitting in her familiar chair next to his bedside, pen hovering over a Sudoku page. Her eyes are bright with unhidden joy. Tosaki is sitting in his bed and, as Kei had suspected, invested in the newspaper for the current day. His face is ashen and there's a slight tremor throughout his body, but he smiles when he sees them.
"I apologize." he says, coughing into his fist, "It appears you're not getting rid of me that quickly."
Nakano doesn't hold back, and, expectedly, launches himself right at Tosaki, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. He holds on for a couple of seconds. Tosaki lets him, even reaching out to pat his back.
Kei is amazed.
"We thought you were dying!" Nakano declares loudly, once he loosens himself from Tosaki. His eyes are wide as he swivels around to look at Izumi for confirmation: "It was awful! Truly awful."
And then, he glances to the back. "Kei was super worried."
"I was not." Kei hisses at him.
But it's too late.
"Oh?" Tosaki asks, a familiar smirk tilting his mouth, the one thing which's absence Kei was counting on, "You were worried, Nagai?"
"He was." Nakano says, nodding fervently, and it's only the glare he's thrown that keeps him from saying any more, "You know, Kei really does care.
"Nakano." Kei growls, and the one in question flinches.
"What?" Nakano asks meekly, carefully glancing at Kei.
"I was certainly not worried." the latter replies poisonously, fixing Tosaki with an unwavering stare, "I-" he breaks off, thinking rapidly and speaks out the first thought that comes to his mind, "I was only upset that I wouldn't be the one to get to kill him in the end!"
Tosaki makes an odd noise, and Kei realizes it's a suppressed chuckle.
"I see. Well then, I did my very best so the honour would be yours someday." he says solemnly, nodding at Kei.
"You can count on that." Kei says grimly. He works hard against a smile threatening to break through.
There are a lot of things he wants to tell Tosaki.
Thank you for not dying on us, or, Thank you for not leaving us alone, even, for not leaving me alone.
But he can't bring himself to pronounce any of them. He doesn't want to eliminate the "temporary" from their current alliance.
"Tosaki-san should really volunteer as the bait for the next mission." he says, instead.
Tosaki raises an eyebrow, and glances at Izumi. "Do we still have enough formalin supply?"
(While Tosaki recovers for the day, Kei neatly copies their drafts for their following plan of action on blank sheets of paper, adding side-notes of what he believes should additionally be considered. He places them in a paper bag, adds a box of mints he found downstairs in the kitchen and sticks a post it to it that he labels: "For the Immortal Mortal." along with an sketch of an IBM wearing glasses that suspiciously resemble Tosaki's frames. He lets Ogura pass it on.
Tosaki doesn't lose a word about it, but that same evening, right after their first meeting in a long while, he ruffles Kei's hair before leaving the room.
"Not a word." Kei grumbles in a grinning Nakano's direction.)