Chapter Text
'...AAAAND THEN I WILL CONQUER THE WORLD!!' Alexander shouted out the end of his story for what seemed like the hundredth time that night, at least going by the fed up face of the barman and other people present. Iskander finished with slamming his mug into table hard enough for the furniture itself to consider breaking the inanimate object rule and running away. Fortunately, it decided to bear with all the antics of the strange group a little longer.
'S-stop shouting, idiot! Sit down, dammit!' Waver hissed from where he was seated next to his overly excited, moderately drunk and definitely way too-big-to-be-convenient servant, trying to drag him down by his new red t-shirt he was forced to buy. However, it seemed to affect the big man as much as a soft breeze might. Alexander guffawed for no obvious reason, almost throwing him to the ground, his wide chest rising.
'YOU'RE ALL COMING WITH ME! WE'RE GOING TO WAR! LET'S CELEBRATE! COME HERE LADIES!'
'That's not the right way for a king to beha-!' Arturia started scolding him with a serious face but had to stop because her body was intent on hiccuping. She already had a drink or three in her too. Waver just sighed, putting a hand in front of his eyes so he wouldn't have to see the bemused, disgusted and slightly frightened looks thrown at them.
'Calm your mind Iskander, no need to celebrate when the battle is far from won. You are scaring all the nice peoples gathered here!' Diarmuid interrupted the pompous speech with that tone of voice that seemed to snake right through one's ears and forced the listener to focus on his mouth instead. Except Waver seemed to be the only one experiencing technical difficulties of that kind as the other servants seemed to have heard the sentence and nodded in agreement. With the exception of Berserker, he just oozed black smoke from visors in his helmet and growled in Saber's direction.
'I'm sick of you salivating over my possessions, mongrel. Your plan itself is ridiculous, do you want to steal from me?!' Gilgamesh had reached the decision that it was his time to point a finger at Alexander and did so with his red eyes dangerously narrowed, his nonsensical golden earrings clinking softly.
'Hey, hey, not so fast. You're the only ones unworthy of your own names! Instead of drinking and feasting you bicker like old toothless hags!'
'But I'm still underage here-'
'What did you spew out of your yapping mouth?! Good, then let me show you which one of us is truly worthy to be called a king!' Gilgamesh shouted over Velvet's flustered argument, springing up from his chair.
'Hehe, that's the spirit! Innkeeper, bring in your strongest liquor!' Alexander bellowed again then turned his attention to the other heroic spirits sitting at the table. He pointed at them one by one with a look of challenge.
'Let's all drink together! Lancer?!'
'If that's so I will gladly partake.'
'Saber?'
'If it has come to this, I fear that I must protect my-hic-honour as a knight and a king. I accept your challenge.'
'Caster...?' Iskander hesitated a little seeing as the man wasn't listening to the conversation, instead staring at Saber with expression of endless reverence. He didn't even turn his head when he heard his name called. All of the assassins were probably off playing invisible and Berserker seemed resolved on his mad beast thing so there was only one person left to focus on.
'Drink up with us boy, to the victory!' Alexander shouted with a new found vigour as he swung his mug around, missing Waver's face by a hair width.
'Like I can drink with all heroic spirits around, idiot!' Velvet crossed his arms over his chest.
'C'mmon, boy, be a man!' the mug was now close to his face again, as if Rider wanted to pour all the remaining beer in it right on his face.
'I refuse!'
'...to leechu Akasha, du faivu generashion ofu my famiri...' Tousaka went on with his lengthy speech and Kayneth just nodded his head to urge him on with one corner of his mouth slightly raised in a way that would betray to anyone who had known him for at least a while that he was laughing hard inside.
Unfortunately, Tousaka had just met him for the first time so he continued talking English with that strong Japanese accent that together with his posh clothes and aristocratic behaviour made for a high-quality comedy act.
Kiritsugu kept his poker face, smoking his cigarette while analysing the possible extent of their abilities in his mind. Kirei stared at him without blinking, caressing the cross in his hand and whispering few prayers as a way to relieve some stress before resorting to his emergency option-a glass of vodka he bought for that exact purpose. He took a deep breath and finished it in one go, immediately standing up.
He marched in front of Emiya as Tokiomi droned on, back straight and face blank.
'Emiya Kiritsugu.' he said in a commanding tone of voice.
'Kotomine Kirei.' Kiritsugu responded in similar fashion, instinctively grabbing the gun hidden inside his jacket. An intense battle of stares followed, but Kirei remembered what he came for, straightening his back again.
'I will buy you a drink.'
'I'll shoot you.' Emiya replied earnestly without any hesitation. Kotomine let out a short humourless chuckle, feeling sweat roll down his back.
'I mean it.'
'I have a wife and a daughter.' Kiritsugu pointed out curtly.
'I need to talk to you.' Kirei urged, his hand found the cross again.
'Don't make your God cry and move along.' Emiya responded sharply, pointing somewhere far away from the table with the hand holding cigarette. Kotomine opened his mouth to say something more but the cold stare silenced him. Fists gritted he moved to the second table, eyes never leaving Kiritsugu.
'What's with the face Kirei?!' Gilgamesh asked, obviously displeased that the priest would frown when he went to such lengths as offering him a seat next to him. There wasn't a person more awe-inspiring than him on the entire planet, after all. Kotomine almost collapsed into the chair, getting intrigued looks from the other servants seated there.
'I... got dumped...' he announced bitterly. Alexander laughed at that, patting his back amicably.
'Don't worry about it, you got plenty more to choose from. You sure bred like rabbits throughout the years.' Iskander noted towards Waver who would roll his eyes if a flick didn't hit his forehead, as if in anticipation of some gesture like that.
'There is not a person on this planet who could pick my interest. All the mongrels look the same. With one exception...' Gilgamesh winked at Saber, taking a gulp out of his drink and almost missing the table when he wanted to lean his head on his elbow.
'Seems like it. People sure were more beautiful at my time... more dignified... ' Alexander mused and Archer seemed to jump at the opportunity to point out that the bunch Iskander got was still far from the gods of perfection of his time.
'More dignified! They were like monkeys compared to-... T-they were... not like there.. .there couldn't be somebody l-l-like...' his booming voice soon gave away low mumbling and stuttering as tears burst from his eyes.
'Shouldn't have reminded him, he looks like he wants to do his mourning all over again.' Waver nudged Iskander, rather irritated that he had one extra thing to deal with.
'Enkiduuu...' Gilgamesh shouted out suddenly, beating the table with his fist. Kirei quietly moved his chair as far from him as possible, giving him a concerned look. He definitely didn't want to end up like that.
'Losing the light of your days, the pain is almost unbearable!' Caster seemed to have woken up from his trance, shouting out his anguish. When he stood up from his chair in one gesture of theatrical agony, however, his expression changed as his attention jumped to Ryuunosuke waving at him cheerfully from where he was seated at the bar. Gilles waved back and when Uryuu made the slit throat gesture towards the back of the lady he was flirting with, Caster nodded with a small smile. What a little darling he was. He then cleared his throat and seated himself when he realised that the moment was now ruined.
Waver facepalmed with a long sigh but it seemed to have forced Iskander to recall some of his less pleasant memories too.
'It almost ruined me too, losing Hephaestion...' he confessed darkly, his mouth bent into a frown that looked unnatural and ominous on his ever smiling face. Velvet took a sip out of his mug to hide his anxiety... and also the fact that he was the only person without any sexual experience in the group... even the priest had a wife once for god's sake!
'We... went on all the conquests together...' from opposite end of the table, Saber nodded sombrely.
'That must have been an incredible woman, fighting and winning on your side.' Diarmuid remarked with a polite smile, trying to lighten up the mood a little. He succeeded by failing. Alexander blinked few times, then broke into a loud resonating laughter, slapping his knees.
Lancer looked at him with an expression of utter confusion, before his eyes targeted Waver as if he was responsible for all the explanations when his servant wasn't making any sense.
'Hephaestion... a woman...' Iskander managed in between the laughs, as if it was the most ridiculous thing he's heard on this round globe where people flew inside iron birds.
'Oh...' Diarmuid managed in response.
'Boy...' Rider managed to finally stop laughing, wiping off the tears in his eyes so he could reach out his hand and pat Lancer supportively with enough force that it was surprising his feet didn't break the parquets underneath him.
'...every proper warrior had to have one... at my time at least...' Alexander paused, thinking.
'That's bizarre... it wasn't practice in your time, right, Saber...?' Lancer turned to Arthuria. She shook her head slowly but then added:
'In truth it wasn't, but maybe it's like King of conquerors says... Because of a certain circuit... uh, circome-... sire-stances... I married a... Grainne... a very kind woman... she sewed me a shirt... and had that long wavy hair... shmi-smelled nice...' Saber seemed to fight the alcohol in her bloodstream for the right of polite correct conversation but sidetracked, one finger drawing little circles on the table as her mind wandered.
Berserker's mind had wandered too, it seemed, as he let out a long sigh and started pouring his alcohol through the visor of his helmet to let it dull the pain. Gilgamesh just started weeping a little stronger, nodding his head frantically. Kirei decided to ignore that any of that was happening, staring intently at the table, locked up in his own pain.
Waver once again considered pretending that he didn't know any of those people.
'Even you...?!' Diarmuid managed after her speech, terror showing on his face.
'You didn't have anybody?' Alexander asked, surprised.
'No. I sh-should have...?' Lancer panicked, facing all the facts. Velvet frantically shook his head, knowing too well that Diarmuid could overthink it and do something stupid, but Iskander was on the move again.
'Definitely.'
'I am a failure as a warrior...' Lancer whimpered, hiding his face in his hands.
'N-no, no, no... it's not like that... it doesn't matter, really...' Waver tried to fix it up desperately.
'And you, master of Rider?' Diarmuid looked up, feeling that there was still some hope left for him.
'I-um... mean no... but I would... I mean, no! I haven't decided yet!!' Velvet stuttered, face red. This didn't go as he imagined.
'Even my master...?!' Lancer inquired urgently, eyes wide with terror.
'That magician with a stick up his arse? Waver's teacher?' Alexander asked to clarify but judging by Diarmuid's face he only made the situation much worse.
'Oh my god! Since when?!'
'For a few years...? How long were you studying, boy...?' Iskander asked but Lancer was already standing up in great haste though not as gracefully as he normally would, knocking the chair down. Waver had a chilling suspicion that he was drunker than he appeared to be.
Alexander just shrugged his shoulders as the man staggered away, emptying his mug in one go. There was a subtle sound of metal clicking as Lancelot continued his attempt to drink with helmet on. Ryuunosuke rushed to Caster to enthusiastically share some new twisted idea of torture he just thought off involving plastic bottle opener. Saber talked to her self in hushed voice about all the events of her life, staring at the stains on the table. Gilgamesh was now shaking Kirei's shoulders, crying about maggots for some reason. Waver would normally be thanking heavens that his servant can handle his liquor, but he had the feeling that the night was far from over.
Sitting at their small table at the back of the building were now master of Saber, Lancer, Archer and Berserker as Kariya attempted to suffocate Tousaka by drowning an entire swarm of bees in his wine and then somehow kind of stayed with them, glaring and threatening the magus, at least until he bought him a glass or two.
As he was the only native English speaker, Kayneth had been forced to listen to the other three talking in their nonsensical language for most of the evening with a face of polite amusement(that just happened to look exactly the same as his face expressing unbearable annoyance- coincidence, really), waiting for them to perhaps switch into a language that didn't sound like rabbits bickering.
Still, he reflected, it was way better and in all ways tactful than dealing with his idiot of a servant.
'Can you bear the pain?' Lancer asked for what seemed like the fourth time since he dashed over here, almost knocking over their table as he made his way to him, look of endless worry on his face.
'I am not injured.' Kayneth repeated, nerves close to snapping.
'Please, let me have a look.' Diarmuid said, trying to drag him out of his chair.
'You're drunk. Go back.' El Melloi hissed, feeling the looks of the others on him.
'Does lady Sola know?'
'...know what...?'
'Master, why would that happen to you?! I've seen people killed this way, screaming until the other end ran through their mouth and they drowned in their own blood! It's horrible way to die! Please!' Lancer grabbed both his hands, utterly terrified for some reason.
'But I am not dying!' Kayneth put emphasis on every word, prying his hands from the grasp. He sighed, thinking the matter closed as he leaned back in his chair, giving the others an apologetic look that seemed to say 'My servant sure seems like he channels no mana to his brains these days.'
'Master!' Diarmuid wailed again in alarm, grabbing him again.
'God! What do I have to do to so even somebody of your unbelievable stupidity could see there's nothing wrong!' Kayneth snapped at him and Diarmuid was taken aback for few seconds before answering softly.
'Could you stand up and lean on your elbows on the table?' his master blinked few times.
'I can't leave until I'm certain you are safe.' Diarmuid added gravely. Kayneth's gaze aimed at the ceiling as he let out a short exasperated sigh, before giving up to those ridiculous demands.
'Now, will you leave?!' he barked at him but was stopped by the displeased glances Tokiomi threw in his direction.
'Is that a British greeting?' the magus asked Kiritsugu in Japanese, failing to maintain his poker-face.
'Hmm...' Kiritsugu responded meaningfully while spicing Kariya's drink with whiskey as the man lay on the table with ants crawling over him, passed out. With some luck he might trip down the stairs, he thought. Whatever funny business Lancer's master was into was of no importance.
Interestingly enough, the person who took the longest to realise that something was happening was Kayneth. It took another particularly alarmed glance from Tokiomi to make him realise that that was indeed happening.
'Lancer!' he hissed, more in surprise than in pain. His wife was will kill him if she finds out.
'Huh.. that's strange...' Diarmuid noted, voice oddly calm. Kayneth did his best not to chuckle hysterically.
'Indeed. Now, if you'd be so kind and get those out before I'll use my command seal to have you cut your arm off I'd be grateful.' El Melloi tried his hardest to sound casual about it, face red with shame.
'But the stick... oh...' understanding seemed to have hit Lancer like a full loaded truck. He retracted his hand quickly, causing a little yelp and his cheeks went from chalk white to a deep shade of red.
'I'm sorry! I'm useless! Horrible! Unforgivable! I must kill myself!' he muttered in quick succession in between bows and before he ran off he shouted back:
'Please, enjoy your evening!'
Kariya momentarily came to himself and pushed back the worm that tried crawling out of his nose. Emiya surveyed him carefully, waiting for him to get caught in the trap.
'What is the root of this custom?' Tokiomi asked in English, managing to compose himself. Kayneth straightened his trousers and sat down, emptying his glass before bothering to shoot him the clearest 'Talk again and I will kill you' look he could muster.
'HE-he said that he had a wife! And a kid!' few glasses later, Kirei retold the entire meeting, gesturing wildly with his hands, close to stabbing Gilgamesh with his finger as he shouted.
'He does! Doesn't deserve her! That cretin!' Saber snorted but then looked carefully around if he just didn't happen to be standing right next to her.
'I will kill him for you!' Gilgamesh shouted back at her, eyes still red from crying.
'Not my soulmate!' Kirei screamed, grabbing him by the shirt.
'If you kill him I go whooooosh...' Saber added, trying to look serious.
'He's stealing my stuff!' Gilgamesh tried making a point, red eyes flashing.
'Jeanne belongs to me entirely, the god brought her ba-'
'Let's just calm down for a second!' Waver shouted over Caster, judging it was the duty of the only sober person left. Ryuunosuke looked pretty okay a while ago but few conversations later he was sitting in Caster's lap, hiding underneath his heavy robes and giggling, occasionally poking out his head and calling 'Peekaboo!'.
All of them ignored the magus entirely and continued to shout over each other. The staff would have thrown them out long ago if Archer hadn't paid enough to buy an entire pub or two.
'SHUT UP!' Alexander bellowed, shocking everyone into silence. Seven pairs of eyes turned to him expectantly.
'We're dancing on he tables!' he added with a savage grin and Ryuunosuke responded with a big 'YAY!', throwing his hands into the air, hitting Caster in the jaw. Velvet let his head fall down on the table with a muted thud. If somebody asked him why he won't go out socialising, this made for an excellent example. He heard another thud next to him and when he lifted up his eyes he saw Lancer repeatedly hitting his head, muttering to himself quietly. It didn't look like he found the stick.
There was a crack as Berserker stood up on the table and started kicking everybody's glasses off as he ran for Saber with a screech. Gilgamesh caught him by the leg and climbed over him to get to Arthuria first. She hit him square in the face then held up her wounded hand, cursing his descendants up to the tenth generation. Rider jumped up on the table and threw his shirt off.
No, Waver groaned, maybe he just hated partying.