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Part of her dreads her once-a-week visits, yet another part looks forward to seeing her dear brother. After one evening, however, her dread begins to grow.
Anthy doesn't eat meat.
"Excuse me?" She bites her lip after she speaks, regretting her doubts before they've even escaped her mouth. Expression unchanged, as usual, but- her words are too important to be careless with. She's never one to talk before she thinks; it's too dangerous.
Akio puts his chin in his hands and grins down at her, his eyes crooked mischievously, like he's playing an innocent prank.
"It's for your own good, Anthy."
A chill runs down her spine from the way he says her name. Sultry (wrong), sweet (disgusting), lovingly (it makes her sick). She never gets tired of it, the love her dear, dear brother has for her.
"You haven't tried some. Don't worry, I promise you'll like it."
There are many things Anthy is willing to do for her brother, and he continues to push towards the line that she hopes he won't cross, because then, because then… then she won't know what to do. Maybe there is no line- it's probably all in her head, like he always says.
She stabs a fork into the innocent animal. It's food. It was alive. It's food. It was alive. She raises the bloodied piece towards her mouth. It's food, she chants to herself. It had a life, a beating heart; she always admired the purity that animals carried themselves with- so unlike herself. She swallows and focuses intensely on trying not to gag. Breathe, slowly but not obviously. Blink back the emotion. Control.
"I'm glad you like it." He smiles at her, and her heart surges with love that overrides her disgust. It's positive reinforcement. She knows that. But who cares if it makes her feel good? In a life filled day to day with numbness, emptiness, she'll take what she can get.
"Thank you," Anthy replies, setting down the fork.
"Aren't you going to finish it?" Her mind supplies the rest. Aren't you going to finish the meal that I made just for you? The meal I went out of my way to make? Don't be ungrateful.
She carefully swallows, smiles, and stabs her fork into the animal once again. And again, and again, and again…
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"How was it?" Utena asks, smiling, like she has no idea about anything that happens, ever. She really doesn't, and it's better that way. She sits cross-legged by the table, trying to do homework but only succeeding in doodling little Chuchus. The mouse in question sits on the windowsill, kicking his tiny feet back and forth.
"It was nice," Anthy says. She idly wonders if Utena realizes that's what she answers every weekend. Doubtful.
"Have anything special for dinner?"
Chuchu falls out the window.
"...No, why do you ask?"
Anthy's glasses go opaque. She turns away and arranges the items on Utena's desk differently. Utena's never been one to pay attention to details, whether in cleanliness or her life.
"You've, uh… got some food stuck to your mouth, looks like. Sorry, I'm not trying to be rude!" Utena raises her hands up defensively during her exclamation, but everything fades out as Anthy raises one hand to her mouth. Oh.
"My apologies. I'll be in the restroom for a moment." Delicately, Anthy brushes imaginary dust off her skirt, still holding one hand to her lips.
"It's no problem! It's kinda nice to see you mess up with something… Shoot, that's pretty rude? I meant, like, it's nice to see that you're… human! You're always so pristine and perfect, y'kno?"
Her, human? It takes a few seconds for that concept to register because Anthy can't remember the last time someone thought of her as so. Utena's special in that regard. Different. She isn't sure how to feel about it.
No… in the end, when Utena reaches her prince, she'll pick him. They all throw her aside in the wake of a miracle, of eternity, of love. It's reassuring, the one belief she can cling to forever, that everyone will leave her except for Akio.
She cleans herself up, making extra sure that there is no leftover evidence of her sin. Is it possible to feel even number than she usually does? Her body doesn't feel like her own, like the volume has been turned down on her existence.
Utena is asleep with her head in her arms on the table when Anthy gets back. She sits down beside her and stares at her peaceful, innocent expression. Utena wouldn't care about Anthy's dilemma, most likely. Something like that is outside of her absurd, hypocritical morals, and she wouldn't understand why it was a big deal to Anthy. Anthy shifts onto her back and stares at the ceiling, eyes unblinking.
The Swords of Hatred constantly edge on her senses, her nerves, never leaving. She doesn't want to dream.
There is no rest for the wicked.
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The weekends pass endlessly. Utena asks her what season it is. Anthy answers that it's Autumn. Utena says Winter feels so far away, and that she's really looking forward to the change in season. Anthy wonders what that's like.
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Utena comes over one weekend. Anthy has forgotten the incidental dinner. Shame on her. The two of them, and Akio, share a meal.
"How have you been?" Akio pauses, putting down his fork, and he looks directly at Utena, keeping eye contact. Utena blushes and looks away, body closing in on herself. Anthy pointedly avoids looking at her plate, settling for staring at the wall. Akio tilts his head and leans in toward Utena, smiling in that way that turns crowded rooms into private one-on-one conversations. What a charmer.
"I've been… good." Utena brushes a hair out of her face, tenderly, like a princess. Like a Rose Bride. Chuchu nibbles on a cracker, sitting in Anthy's lap under the table. He rubs his head against Anthy's palms, asking for pets, and she almost smiles. Chuchu's almost cute enough to distract her from Akio and Utena's voices.
"Is that all?"
"Well… lately, I feel like I've been really out of the loop? My friends… well, I don't know if I'd call them friends, per say. But, um… it feels like the people around me have been involved in a lot of… stuff. Ugh, I don't know how to word it!"
Anthy digs her nails into the palms of her hands. Chuchu brushes against them again and she loosens, slightly.
"You feel left out?" His voice is tinged with empty sympathy, but Utena nods eagerly. He always knows what to say.
"Yeah! I wish I could help them more, but I just… never know enough. I never understand."
Anthy imagines a level-up jingle playing in her head. Dut duh duh da! Utena reached a new level: self-awareness! Deciding the advice Q&A is over, Akio turns his attention to Anthy.
"Anthy, you haven't touched your food." He frowns, furrowing his eyebrows with exaggerated concern. Utena glances at her with the same amount of concern, but genuine.
"Do you feel sick?"
"I'm sorry for worrying you, but I feel fine." She stabs her fork into the bloody meat below her. Utena's is well-done. Everything is on purpose. She doesn't need to look up to know that Akio is smiling.
"Should I feed it to you?" he suggests. She smiles, agrees, and hates herself for it.
He takes the hand that is holding her fork and lifts it to her own mouth.
"Say ah," he says, grinning. Utena smiles fondly at the two of them. Everything about this makes Anthy sick, but she smiles back at Akio and swallows it down. He truly loves her. He's the only person in the world who accepts her, knowing all of her. She's being unfair and ungrateful.
She feels the meat squish under her teeth, and she feels the blood leak out of it, filling her mouth. She chews the minimum amount and swallows it, feels the death go down her throat. Akio smiles at her expression.
"It's delicious," she says quietly, almost in a whisper. Utena seconds her comment, and Akio reaches across the table, grabbing her hand.
"Should I feed you as well?"
Utena's face goes as bright as her hair, and she shakes her head no, after a moment of hesitation.
"You're such a player, Akio!" She laughs and rubs at the back of her neck. Chuchu hops from Anthy's lap and scuttles anxiously around her feet.
She imagines the meat as Utena and feels a little better about eating it.
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Anthy is a doll. They toy with her when they want to, but she is always left behind. When you grow up… When you become a princess… You don't play with dolls anymore.
Akio will sweep Utena off her feet and they'll live together happily ever after- eternally.
There is no place for a witch in a fairytale's happy ending.
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It happens a third time. The line grows ever closer. The image of Chuchu pops into her mind just as she's about to take a bite and her stomach drops. It sticks in her head. Every time she eats, she takes a bite out of her own self. Every chew a tear in her spirit. She has to remind herself that she doesn't have one, but the sickness in her gut stays.
She's sick of it all. So, so sick.
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The wind howls on the rooftop and brings chills all across her body, makes her feel numb. Fitting. Utena screams at her, won't let go of her hand, won't leave her alone. Anthy breaks down and confesses that she isn't a doll, and that she can't keep going on like this. Yet she must. And throwing herself off the roof wouldn't really hurt her, get rid of her existence, or lessen the pain at all, but maybe she could at least have a brief sleep away from life. She wishes she were truly emotionless so that Utena's words of apology couldn't strike her as they do, bringing tears to dry eyes.
She forgot. Apologies mean nothing when you're little miss hypocritical Utena Tenjou.
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Anthy gets used to eating meat, because it's Utena, who doesn't care, gives empty promises, pretends to love and support, and acts as if she's revolutionary while reaching for a prince. It starts to become cathartic. Akio smiles at her satisfaction. He was right, like always; it was for her own good and better for her in the end.
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She imagines chopping Utena up with her own dueling sword and then kissing away her tears. She imagines being the one in control. It's always a dream.
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He ultimately crosses the line when he mentions that he "took one of Anthy's cows for tonight's meal." She looks down at it and feels bile rise up in her throat.
I'm not hungry tonight, she says.
It's unhealthy to skip meals.
Forcing the image of Akio onto it does nothing to settle her stomach.
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Utena trusts Himemiya.
In a way, Utena is like Miki. Anthy's just a normal girl who wants a normal life and normal friends and a normal boyfriend and normal happiness. Just like Utena!
Anthy mentions that she poisoned the tea, and Utena smiles and drinks it.
She wasn't lying.
Anthy stabs her fork into the meat. Again and again and again. The blood spurts out like a waterfall, endlessly. It leaves stains on the wooden floor. Goodness, she'll have to clean this up later. What a mess.
She takes her sweet time and enjoys every minute. Although time doesn't mean much at Ohtori Academy, and especially not to Anthy. But, for this one night, Anthy experiences eternity, and she smiles because it is a secret known only to her that Akio will never reach.
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"I brought dinner today."
"You didn't have to."
"Will you eat it?"
"Of course."
Anthy blames the off taste and texture to her own lack of cooking skill, when asked. Akio mentions that it's a little more raw than he thought her tastes would be.
"I've been craving this sort of food. Isn't it all the same as all the rest of our meals?" Anthy brushes a hair out of her face, conspiratorially. Like a witch. Like a Rose Bride.
"Stick to what you know, Anthy." He thanks her for her efforts, but makes sure to show his disapproval for her attempt to reach outside her job description.
When Anthy goes to bed, it feels a little bigger. She reaches her hand out, across to the empty blankets next to her, grasping at the ghost of someone's gentle fingers. The warmth has already begun to seep out, forgotten.
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He finds out quickly.
"What have you done with her?" You witch.
But the anger passes, and Anthy has gotten oh so good at enduring pain.
Akio doesn't mind the act of it so much, he's too old, has too much blood already on his hands, and he's too far gone to care about morals. He is an adult, not a prince. The world is harsh, so he accepts it and moves on. And it's far from a shock to know about Anthy's actions. There are already stories of witches who eat innocent civilians.
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Anthy grows a fondness for raw meat, and Akio sighs and brings in a new round of duelists. 'Twas a shame. Utena could've been revolutionary.
The cycle continues.