Chapter Text
Your name is Dave Strider and you feel guilty as all hell.
You've been watching your older brother work in the garage for about ten minutes now; restoring an old car for a geezer you can only assume is as equally ancient. He's working diligently for once and as far as you can tell he's almost done. He has headphones on and you can hear the music from where you stand in the doorway leading into the house. Its one of your mixes. His head bobbing along with the down beats and a smile is in place of his usual smug, shit eating grin, it makes you grin a little as well. Bro doesn't listen to anything he doesn't like, even if it hurts someone's feelings, so it's a pretty big deal. To you anyway.
It had been career day at school -fucking gag- and there’d been a lot on your mind since then. Bro hadn’t come, which was perfectly okay with you. He’s always busy with one project or another and he’d asked if you wanted him there. You really didn’t mind because fuck if you were about to share your brother with those douches. What? You’re pretty damn territorial when it comes to your shit. And yes, bro is a shit. A large pile of shit on toast.
You're so deep in your wacked out thoughts that you jump when you hear Dirk's voice calling you.
"You alright, little man?" he asks.
His orange headphones, now draped around his neck, still play loudly. The quick pace matches the beating of your heart against your chest.
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Bro," you say with a wavering voice. "S'cool."
He removes his work goggles to examine you, his orange eyes bright under the overhead lights. "You sure? You seem kinda distracted."
"Pfft what? Me? Distracted?" You scoff. Bro just kinda smirks. "Strider's don't get distra-"
"Hi Dave!"
"Augh! What the hell!"
Your entire body flinches in surprise. Whipping your head around you find John with a huge grin plastered to his stupid face. Damn, he got you again. Fuuuuuck. And right in front of Bro too.
"Damnit, Egbert! I swear I'm gonna-"
"What? You gonna get me Dave? But if you do that whose gonna work with you on the project? I am literally the only person you like to talk to," John smiles innocently. He shoves his hands in his stupid blue hoodie. Fuck Egbert. Fuck Egbert and all he stands for.
"Asshole," you mutter under your breath.
"Thanks for the distraction Mr. Strider," John says with a wink in Bro's direction.
Your jaw drops as he returns the wink and drawls, "anytime Egderp. And like I keep telling you, just call me Bro already. It’s no big."
John flushes a bit at that and apologizes but Bro shrugs it off before kicking you both out. He follows you to the kitchen where you grab some apple juice then up the stairs to your room.
Admittedly, John Egbert is your best friend and you don't know how you would have survived the last two years without him. He's like, the perfect bud and your polar opposite. Where you're all irony and cool guy shades he's pretty nerdish and accepting of everyone and their quirks or faults. It's a relief really, to have someone you can just remove your shades in front of.
As you pass a room John greets the occupant. Rose is sitting on her bed with a large book, studying one thing or another and taking notes.
"Hi, Rose," Egbert chirps.
"Hello, John," Rose replies with a soft smile.
You roll your eyes and pull at your friend's hood. "Okay, you guys said hi, awesome. Can we go now?"
"Aww, Dave, come on. Maybe Rose can help us with our project," Egbert says, steadying your arm. "She is a history buff after all. And her best friend is Kanaya! She is the queen of fashion!"
You aren’t about to tell him they aren’t exactly of the best friends persuasion.
"Dude, no," you say, pulling a little harder. Glancing at Rose, whose eyebrow raises in suspicion, you whisper, "look, I have to talk you about something."
"If this is about your man crush on Cage, bro, I already know. You pretend not to care but deep down you actually want to be his apprentice, don't you?"
You share a glance with Rose and look back at Egbert. His imagination is pretty ridiculous.
"And again I say. Dude. No."
John follows you down the hall afterward, saying a quick hello to Roxy as she bounces out of the bathroom in a towel. That girl has no boundaries.
"So," you cut to the chase as you sit on your computer chair. Egbert flops onto your bed, tossing his bag on the floor. "Is your sister single?"
If John had a drink he would have spit it out all over the place. Luckily he did not so all he did was stare at you incredulously while stuttering. Finally, after you don't know how many minutes because you aren't nerdy or impatient enough to count, he sputters, "dude! You can't date my sister!"
And that's when you face palm and kick him in the shin. He winces and draws his legs onto the bed and out of range.
"Not for me you idiot," you groan. Jane is cool and all, and her cake is a mix of something that tastes like an angel's tear and a demon's kiss. Seriously. You would be fat as all hell if you didn't train with Bro. You know, in an ironic way. But she isn’t exactly your type.
"Oh... Does Mr-ahh-Bro like her?" he asks, finally drawing to a closer conclusion. "Cause if he does there's kind of a problem there."
"Well he doesn't. And what problem?"
Fuck that. Bro can get any babe he wants. Maybe…
"Well," John fidgets. "I'm not really supposed to say. That is, I'm not supposed to even know really. If Jane found out she'd blow a gasket and-"
"Oh my god! Egbert, just spit it out already!"
You wonder if Rose was already at the door or if she was coming out at that moment to spy.
"Kay, fine, but don't tell anyone. Especially not Jade. Promise?" John stares you down, uncharacteristically serious.
"Yeah, whatever. Promise. What's this got to do with Jade anyway?" you're actually pretty damn curious now. Ironically curious.
John slides his glance around the room. Like there's someone hiding in your closet or hidden cameras? What the hell... Actually you wouldn't put it past any of your housemates. They're pretty shady and always looking for some kind of blackmail.
Finally John nods and inhales deeply, eyes closed. When he exhales he looks guilty and you almost tell him if it's such a big deal not to say anything but he lets it out in one breath. "Jane likes Jake."
You stare at him behind your shades for a moment and he raises a brow at your non-reaction. Tired of the lingering silence you shrug and say "okay" before reaching under your desk for your bag.
"That's it? Just okay?" he asks, shifting to sit at the edge of your bed, dangerously on the border of your reach.
"Well, yeah. I was only wondering. Besides, I'm starting to think Bro is going to reproduce asexually. Like a worm. Or if you cut off an arm or a leg it's just gonna grow into another Bro. Like on that Hulk movie." You don't even know who this Jake dude is but John should know that.
"I'm pretty sure that's the same thing," John says. You look at him and he continues. "I think it's called budding. You know, like a Hydra?"
You just stare at him a while longer and shake your head. Nerd.
"Pay attention in biology, Dave," he chuckles. "So why did you want to know about Jane's relationship status exactly?"
"Curious," you say. You log into your computer and bring up a web browser.
"Did you want to hook our siblings up or something? Oh my god Dave!" John straightens his back and his eyes widen. "We could be brothers!"
"Perish the thought," you say with a smirk.
"Don't be a dick, Dave. I'd be an awesome brother," John grumbles. He puffs his cheeks for added pouting effect.
"Look," you sigh. "That isn't really the point. Can we just get to the project? Seriously, fashion? It's like our chick teacher really wants us dudes to fail. I think this is because I commented on those Scottish skirts. What the hell do I know about an old geezers taste in clothing and how it impacts us now?"
When John doesn't agree with you or make any sound really you chance turning your gaze to him. You'll probably regret it. He's looking out the window, his face expressing deep concentration. Or constipation. He keeps tilting his head one way then the other, reminding you of a puppy. Or a little Japanese girl. Finally he turns to you and asks, "Do you want to set your brother up or something?" You regret it.
You're stunned for a second, not even in an ironic way, but before you can convey your stupid idea you say, "Or something, Egbert. I'm trying to do this thing called a project that I have no idea how to go about? Cause, you know. Old peeps, weird clothing choices? Like, seriously, Buttafuoco? Hammer? Those pants? And really, French ladies? Don't you guys like to breathe? Or let your chicks eat?"
"Do not diss the man responsible for Karkat's weird crab walk man, he loves that guys moves. You should have seen him the other night while we were watching MTV and they were playing old music videos. It was amazing. And what's wrong with France? Isn't that, like, the fashion capital of the world?"
"Corsets, Egbert. Corsets," you groan as if he's supposed to know.
"Now what in the world do you have against corsets?" John is clearly mystified.
You roll your eyes and remove your shades, "health problems. All kinds of risks to the organs, dude. All the organs."
"Stop watching all those Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Dave. It isn't healthy for you. Too much of the Depp for your own good," John nods to himself.
"First off, he is only good in that movie and it isn't even a good movie. Second, I was watching Toddlers in Tiaras And some weird doctor talk show. Oz or Alex or something?"
Silence spreads again as you both glare at one another. John is working something out in his head, you don't know if it's you insulting JD or that he now knows you watch TiT and wow what an unfortunate acronym. You just hope he doesn't hurt himself with all that thinking. Okay now he's tapping his fingers on the edge of your desk. Tapping his fingers and clicking his tongue. Tapping his fingers, clicking his tongue and side-eyeing you. Tapping his fingers, clicking his tongue, side-eyeing you and bouncing a bare foot on your spring mattress. Tapping his fingers, clicking his tongue, side-eyeing you, bouncing a bare foot on your spring mattress and-
"Oh my god, John, cut that shit out and spit it out would you?" you almost yell. He sighs and looks out the window again.
"I just realized something Dave. You haven't met Jake yet," John mutters. That's what's on his mind?
"If that is what's bugging you I might just kick you out," you half joke. Half.
"Don't get me wrong. I'm wondering why in the world I'm friends with you when you obviously have horrible taste in movies and television, but as usual I'm just gonna blow past that and examine a different angle of this conversation." He pauses to gather his thoughts. You let him, totally not thinking about how you have to get Bro back for watching the last episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo without you.
"So, Dave. This sudden fascination with your brother’s love life. Where did it come from?" he asks. Ooh wow. Doc Egbert is in the house.
Lucky.
Fucking.
You.
"I don't care about that shit, man. He can do whatever he wants," you deny with the utmost denial.
"Please, Dave. All the evidence leads to this conclusion. I have concluded. It is of the conclusive manner. Spill the beans." Oh joy. You got Detective Egbert as a two-for-one deal. You must reiterate.
Lucky.
Mother.
Fucking.
You.
"Not that it's my business," it really isn't, "but I've never seen your brother with anyone. I always just assumed he and Roxy were-"
"Eww dude, no. She's like a sister to him. Us. I guess." You really hadn't given the Strider-Lalonde dynamic much of a thought. Not about to now. "Now can we get back to this dumb school assignment?"
"In a minute, I am of the concluding nature."
What even?
"So I think we should totally check out some fine, attractive, age-appropriate and not currently crushing on a fella already, lass for your brother." John nods. Apparently this is his conclusion.
"No." You turn back to your computer and find Jade logged into pesterChum. She's supposedly supposed to be heading over because she's also working on this project with you both.
"Yes, Dave. So much yes. We're adorable and we can go around saying stuff like, date my brother please, and the ladies will totes dig it."
"Until they meet him and find out just how much of a huge nerdy asshole he is. And how socially inept he is and how he can ramble for days about public tent pitching," you say. You shut your computer because obviously John is not going to listen to reason.
"What's his type anyway? Is he into ladies with big breasts? Small ones? Brunettes? Blondes? Redheads? Japanese girls? He seems like he'd be into a shy little Japanese girl who is totally nerdalicious. And can cosplay. Cosplay the right way."
You are honestly dumbstruck. No words, comebacks, quips or otherwise, make way to your brain. You haven't even fully weeded through all that before he's started up again.
"Or perhaps he's of the male persuasion? In which case that Rufioh guy seems like he could be your brother's type. Actually, I don't really know much of the older people in this town aside from the teachers and relatives of our friends."
Your brain has shut off. You are brain dead. John is rambling on and you can't focus. You catch one of the tangents erupting from his leaking protein chute and you wish you hadn't.
"Or maybe Mr. Strider is a bottom and-"
"Oh my god, why are you so focused on this right now?" you almost yell again.
"No need to be upset, Dave. I was only trying to help."
"By traumatizing me? You are the worst best friend ever! I will never be able to not imagine wheels' big bro pounding on my bro now! Thank you so much for that, I had no idea I needed it until I was blessed with these mind fuckingly blowing thoughts of my brothers non-existent sexual orientation!"
You breathe deeply, trying and succeeding to calm yourself. Slowly.
"Done with your tantrum?" John asks, amused. "Diaper baby."
You glare.
"I'm only throwing all this out there because you've been acting weird since third period. I wasn't going to ask you because I figured if you wanted to tell me you would, or you'd talk to Doctor Rose," John says while patting your back once and drawing his hand away. "I pretty much worked it out while we were talking and I just started rolling with it."
Rolling your eyes you ruffle John's hair and lean back in your chair. You could tell John. That is a thing you could totally do. He's never spread any of your secrets before that you're aware of. And he was really hesitant about Jane's crush. He's also never told you anyone else’s secrets before that day. Do people tell John things? You wouldn't doubt it. That goofy smile draws everyone to him. He's probably had numerous confession times on the pile of autumn leaves he likes to rake up and throw himself on cause hello autumn in this town and John is weird and does stuff like that.
Really, what are the downsides? You finally get to let everything off your chest, might feel relieved? Woah big downer. Well, you guess it couldn't hurt. You trust John. Maybe not with your life because he can't even hold a damn sword correctly, but yeah. Excluding harsh torture via your fangirls, which you don't have, nope, John wouldn't tell anyone. Yeah, okay, you can so do that. You'll probs need some tissue, for John not you, and your throat will for defs be sore since you have never really spoken without pause for a long period of time, but that's what aj is for you suppose.
When you open your mouth to speak, relaxing at the sight of your best bro's smile there's a knock at the door and instead of a life story you release a quiet, "fuck," instead.