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Listeners, oh, listeners. The City Council has announced that we are going to receive a very special visit in a few months, from none other than He Who Presides over the New World! That's right, listeners, His Imperial Majesty is coming to our little town himself. Preparations are underway to receive His Majesty, and I for one, listeners, am very excited. It's not often you get to be in the presence of royalty, after all. The City Council would like to inform you that, for the week of His Majesty's visit, the following are strictly banned: bicycles, eye contact, milk, salt, shoes, and finally, electricity. His Imperial Majesty also forbids sitting down in his presence, so all Night Vale citizens are expected to either kneel with bowed head when staying still, or traveling from place to place on hands and knees.
Listeners. I've just received word from Dana, in the dog park. She says the hooded figures appear to be greatly excited about His Imperial Majesty's upcoming visit. She's not sure, since her vision is full of dark spots and she's blinking in and out of consciousness, but the hooded figures are grouped together in a circle, facing outward, and are vibrating at a high frequency. A green light began to emanate from their midst, but just as it began to expand and turn red, Dana fainted. When she awoke, all the hooded figures were gone. She also wants to know if anyone's tried to get food over the fence yet. So far none have reached her. I don't know what this means about the hooded figures, but if they're excited, well, listeners...
THE NIGHT VALE TRAVEL AGENCY IS OFFERING A ONE-TIME ONLY DEAL: A TRIP TO THE SOUTH POLE!
EXPERIENCE A ONE-OF-A-KIND ADVENTURE WITH PENGUINS, SNOW, AND ELDRITCH MONSTERS LOCKED BENEATH THE ICE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS! ALL FOR LESS THAN $2, 000, OR YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL. INQUIRE INSIDE! HURRY! LIMITED OFFER ONLY!
Listeners! You all know what tomorrow is! Tomorrow He Who Presides over the New World arrives in Night Vale! Preparations have been ongoing for months to ensure His Imperial Majesty's comfort during his stay here in our little desert community. The Sheriff's Secret Police has made arrangements for top security. Helicopters from a vague yet menacing government agency have been hovering around the scrublands for weeks, hardly taking any of Night Vale's children. The City Council assures us that they are here to protect His Imperial Majesty, and by extension, us.
I'm sure you have noticed the distinct and unsettling lack of hooded figures in our community in the weeks leading up to this momentous occasion. Night Vale feels...empty, without hooded figures to threaten the sanctity of our minds and bodies. Carlos and his team of scientists have found nothing, and in fact, Carlos tells me that there has been a significant drop in fascinating science activity in the absence of the hooded figures. Does this mean they're going to leave? Listeners, will we now be deprived of Carlos and his perfect hair? What will we do without him? What will I do without him? Can we even survive without Carlos and his team of scientists updating us about everything that's happening around us?
Old Woman Josie has said that the angels have formed a protective barrier around her fence. She assumes it's a protective barrier since they are all facing outward, have acquired spears that are taller than her house, and are humming. We don't know what this means, but I hope it won't interfere with His Imperial Majesty's visit.
Oh, speaking of. His Imperial Majesty's itinerary consists of inspecting the Sheriff's Secret Police, as well as [sounds of submarine radar. sounds of rumbling. they seem to be far below you. the sound of rumbling gets louder. it's what you would hear if you were in the middle of boiling water. then a roar. a roar like nothing you've heard of. a roar that comes from something that has been sleeping at the bottom of the ocean for a very long time.]
And now the weather.
GOING BALD? HAIR TOO THICK? ACCIDENTALLY DYED IT GREEN IN COLLEGE AND NEVER WASHED IT OUT? DON'T WORRY - SEYE'S SELF-CORRECTING HAIR POTION IS HERE! JUST MASSAGE INTO SCALP IN THE SHOWER AND HAVE ALL YOUR HAIR PROBLEMS FIXED!*
*May contain tentacles.
Listeners. I apologize if my voice is faint. I am making it as loud as I can, but the microphone's wire can only reach so far and I am currently kneeling on the floor in the middle of the booth with my head bowed. His Imperial Majesty is here in the radio station. Station Management received him, the door opening for only the second time in my memory. As we all know, looking directly at He Who Presides over the New World is punishable by death, so I was unable to get a glimpse of His Imperial Majesty as he proceeded, in all majesty, to Station Management's door. Listeners, I am personally thrilled that His Imperial Majesty chose to visit our humble community radio station. In fact, we are all honored that he chose to visit Night Vale at all! We are but a small town desert community, and I am sure that he has more pressing matters upon his great and glorious mind than us.
[sound of a door swinging open. cecil gasps.]
Ladies and gentlemen and those of you who do not fall into either category, unless I am very much mistaken, His Imperial Majesty is here in the booth right now! Excuse me while I pay homage to His Imperial Majesty.
[series of ululating shrieks. strange, unsettling humming. it sounds off-key to you, until you realize the beat is uneven. no - there is no beat. there are only sounds.]
Listeners, we have been graced with a rare opportunity. His Imperial Majesty has deigned to send out a message to all of Night Vale! He has brought his consort, of course, the dashing Mr [bleep]. I am told that City Council censored the name of His Imperial Majesty's consort to protect his identity. We respect that. It is His Imperial Majesty's every right. And now, your Highness, if you please -
[sounds of rustling, and then an oozing, wet sound]
I am not speaking into the microphone. I am speaking with you, with each of you, in your own minds. Thousands of years ago we came here, seeking shelter. You gave us more than that. Now we rule you, and our glory has multiplied ten thousandfold. You are loyal subjects. This does not go unnoticed. Your tiny little town you call Night Vale is the most faithful of all. Your bloodstone circles give us power each day, and we feel it. I feel it from Washington. I feel it from New York. We will reward you for your faithfulness. And when the time comes that our father wakes from his sleep beneath the deep of your glorious oceans, you will not be forgotten.
Listeners. Wow. Listeners. I just. Wow. We are honored, Your Imperial Majesty. We are honored beyond words.
Old Woman Josie reports that the hooded figures have materialized outside the car lot, shimmering into view as a tight circle. The angels are still in a protective barrier around her house, so if she weren't peeking around one of them she would not have seen it. She says that the hooded figures have begun to move in a straight line toward the dog park. I for one am relieved. Night Vale without hooded figures is wrong.
Tomorrow is the last day of His Imperial Majesty's stay here in Night Vale, so the Night Vale Community Theatre is putting up a production of the Conquest of the Great Old Ones. City Council is withholding information on whether or not His Imperial Majesty will be in attendance.
Carlos reports that fascinating science activity is on the rise once more. Is there a correlation between the hooded figures and all that scientific activity Carlos is working on? Who knows? I asked Carlos, and he was about to reply, but he said that His Imperial Majesty was in his lab, so he hung up. Lucky Carlos. Perhaps His Imperial Majesty would also note Carlos' perfect hair.
The desert is vast, but the ocean is vaster. The ocean is endless, stretching out in all directions. It is deeper than you can ever imagine. The floor of the ocean is not what you think. Beneath miles of sediment lies a sleeping, ancient god, the father of us all. One day he will wake, and all the earth will be his. That day is far away.
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.