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I want you to remember the first time we almost kissed. I was telling you about a dream I had, and you asked me if I wanted to make out with you. And yes, I did. So we went somewhere sort of private and you leaned to kiss me and I literally ran away. I want you to know that that was one of my most embarrassing moments. Eventually I got past my fears (granted, I stalled for a good twenty minutes before you got so impatient you just leaned in and kissed me) and I want you to know that what I felt, was magic. It was awkward magic, but magic none the less.
I want you to know that I know how much we fought after that. We argued, made up, made out, and argued some more. But I never stopped thinking about you. I still haven’t. It took us a while to get over ourselves and start talking to each other again, but I want you to know that the happiness I felt when you looked me in the eyes and had a real conversation with me after so long of nothing but silence, felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced in the world. And then, we fought again. And we kept repeating our mistakes. We kept thinking that we could work as more than friends, even though it was very clear to everyone but us that we couldn’t. But we kept getting pulled back to each other. I don’t know why, but we did, and I want you to know that I’m glad we did. Even though our fights hurt me more than I can put into words, those moments when we just sat around and talked, where I learned more about you than I knew about myself, when out lips molded together so perfectly, those moments were the ones I will always cherish. Those moments were why I never gave up hope. Hope for us.
I want you to know that after a while I started to truly believe that maybe it would be better for us to just stay friends. I knew that that was what you always said you wanted. You told me that you just thought we ‘worked better as friends.’ And I made myself be okay with that. Even though I still held out hope that you would change your mind, I was okay with it as long as you were there to be okay with it with me. I want you to know that if you did change your mind, I would say yes. Yes to being more than friends, yes to holding your hand, yes to kissing you and knowing it wasn’t a onetime thing and it wasn’t going to leave me feeling a little empty inside. I would say yes to being happy with you. So when YOU kissed ME out of the blue, I couldn’t be more confused. I was angry and ecstatic at the same time. What is your problem? Finally I was okay and you go and kiss me. Thank you (and when I say thank you, I mean it. Not sarcastically, I really mean it).
I want you to know that I don’t know why you couldn’t talk to me. After our kiss, I couldn’t help myself and turned it into something more. It quickly became one of the most intense moments we’ve ever shared together. And then it ended. And you left, looking troubled. Then I got your texts; telling me that it was your fault. That what we did shouldn’t have happened. And saying that you couldn’t talk about it, so please forgive me if I don’t talk to you for a while.
I want you to know that I couldn’t forgive you. And I still can’t, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you.
I want you to know that when I told you that I couldn’t keep playing this game with you, I meant it. I can’t keep letting you toy with my emotions. I’m not just useful for you when you need me to be. I need you to be there all the time. I want you to know that when I told you you had a week to get yourself together, you had one week to be silent and then you don’t get another chance because damn it I’ve given you so many, that I would hope every single night that you would swallow your stupid pride and talk to me. And I want you to know that when you didn’t, it hurt more than any of our other fights combined. At least those were mutual aggravation. This was you, all you. But I want you to know that I would honestly do it all over again as long as I got to feel you the way I did.
I want you to know that since we’ve stopped talking I feel. Sometimes I feel everything and sometimes I feel nothing. Sometimes I want to feel everything I felt with you but I can’t.
I want you to know that I know you. Even though sometimes you act like someone I’ve never met before, I know you. And I know you’re stubborn. You’re so stubborn it honestly makes me want to beat the living shit out of you. But I know that it’s you, so I deal with it. But I also want you to know that you’re stupid sometimes. I can see you care about me. I can see it, I know it’s there. But you’re too stubborn to talk to me about it, too stubborn to do anything about it. And that drives me crazy.
I want you to know that even though it makes me so mad at myself, it makes me more disappointed in myself than I’ve ever been – and trust me, I’ve been – I would still make up with you again. I would let you back in, give you another chance. Because with me, I don’t think you’ll ever run out of chances. And maybe that makes me the stupid one, but I also don’t think I care. Because there’s something about you, about you and me, that makes getting my heart broken over and over just to make up with you, worth it.
I want you to know that I want you. So please come and find me so we can make this better for the last time.
Signed,
Aidan.
Dean looked at the letter that he found taped to his door and felt… everything. He felt stupid and happy and excited and hurt and did he mention stupid? All he knew at that moment was there was a tall dark and Irish someone that he need to go and find.