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"Mother…. Are you angry with me?"
Loki turned over in bed to look over at his son, standing in the doorway looking meek, small. Scared. He was clearly crying not moments before, judging by the redness of his eyes.
Loki gave a soft smile. "No, my little moon, I am not angry." He extended his hand to invite Fenrir closer to the bed.
Fenrir sniffed and stepped forward, taking his mother's hand and climbing onto the bed to take his place against Loki's chest. Loki kissed his head gently, pulling the blanket over him.
"Did I make you upset?" the boy asked, hiding his face so his mother could not see.
Loki took a deep breath. Fenrir was smart, he would be able to understand. After all, he took Loki's outburst as his own fault. "No… It was not you. I… " He didn't know how to explain it to him.
"Then what… you were screaming."
Loki heard the door to the washroom open. Thor was here… and he needed to hear this as much as Fenrir did.
"I made a mistake, Fenrir… one I cannot take back. You must know it was not your fault."
---
The recent events returned to his memory and he closed his eyes, replaying it in his mind.
"You you must stay here, where we can care for you."
"No! I want it out! Now!!"
"You are obviously in distress, Loki. We need to make sure you are stable before--"
"I WILL NOT GIVE BIRTH TO ANOTHER BASTARD PRINCE!"
The room fell silent, and a gasp sounded from the other side of the hospital bed. Loki whipped his head around, seeing his son's eyes wide, mouth open as he took in what his mother had just said. He dropped the glass of water he held and disappeared down the hospital hallway.
---
"You know I love you."
"Yes, mother…"
"And you know I will always love you."
"I know…"
"Then why are you scared?"
"You… said you did not want me." Fenrir lifted his head and looked up, eyes glossy and red.
Loki's heart broke in two. "No… No no no my love. I said I did not ask for you… It is different." He held his son close, keeping him as tight to his body as he could.
Fenrir just shook as he began to cry again. Loki closed his eyes. "You know how you came into this world… you know why you are here."
"Because… they attacked you," Fenrir sniffed.
"Yes… and you were the result. I never asked for you, but I never regretted you either. You are the reason I kept living in that cave." Fenrir looked up again, and Loki continued, "I knew I was carrying you. And while it tore me apart that you were not Thor's child, I knew that you were innocent, and you were a possibility I had never had before. You made me so happy, and yet so sad at the same time."
---
Chained, muzzled, with his magic bound and his clothes ripped to shreds. Night after night being taken by these beasts, whipped and bloodied and raped. After a few months, he was sick as well, being punished when he lost what meal was left in his stomach onto the floor.
He remembered the shadow of the Beast. Huge, full of coarse fur and teeth that ripped into his flesh. As a Shape Changer, Loki could breed with any species, and after months of seeing the same Beast enter his cell, he knew exactly who the father was.
One day he was alone… the Beast had not shown up. Was this it? Were they finished? Was he finally getting too fat to be of service to this forced mate?
The door opened, and stayed open, and the Beast walked in hunched over, barely walking in a straight line. Was it drunk?? Could jotun dire wolves even get drunk? Loki stared at the open door, looking at the bright torch across the hall as the Beast stood over him. Even with his magic bound, he knew he could shift his form. As natural as breathing, he could change his skeleton, melt into something else, something fast, something strong. He felt the Beast's breath on his skin and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and in a blur of green magic he kicked at the Beast's jaw with powerful hind legs and he bolted for the door, racing down the hallway on all fours. Starved, exhausted, and completely bloody, he charged on, finding staircases and hallways and passages. He had no idea where he was going.
A light… an opening… he blinked and could see snow falling from the sky, the world dark and covered in white. He raced out, dodging to the left to run for the trees, the hills, anything that would keep him safe. He could hear the Beast growling behind him, catching up, and he sped up, running on nothing but adrenaline as he made sure his legs did not give out.
Hours passed, and though the growls had ceased what felt like eons ago, he continued to run, stopping only when he heaved, sick, but continued forward. He remembered the day he was taken from the highway, right under the guards' noses. Prince of Jotunheim, stolen from his Dam's caravan as they rode for a nearby port town. But that was almost two years ago…
Surely they had looked for him, but when did people get on with their lives. Did Thor still search for him? Did he still wait for him to come home? Did he feel their bond ripping at his soul, as if tearing a hole through his chest? Or did he continue training with the Warriors Three? Did he take up lessons with his father, being taught the knowledge of Kings, forgetting lost loves.
This was not love. This was a bond, tying their souls together across the stars, even when one was presumed dead.
He slowed when he reached the mountainside, searching for somewhere to hide, to keep warm, to keep the child inside him safe. He found a cave within a few more minutes and ducked inside. It was small, and he slowly pushed snow in the entrance until all that was left was a small hole. He crawled to the back and curled around his swollen belly, tucking his tail under his chin as he tried to stay warm. Even if he was in the shape of a dire wolf, he was starved, too thin and without much in the way of warm fur. De would freeze if he was not careful. Where would his child be then?
Dead.
The thought of losing yet another baby made him tense up, curl tighter, protect the life growing inside him. What would Thor think? Years of trying for an heir, three miscarriages, and one stillborn son. And yet out of the blue he comes home two years after disappearing carrying a son that is not the king's, that is not and never will be the heir…
Would Thor leave them? Would he disown Loki as his mate, his husband, and his future Queen? Would he leave him to survive on his own, tend to a newborn alone?
Would he break their bond?
Just thinking of their bond made his chest tighten, made his abdomen feel like there was a hook stuck in his stomach, a rope tugging at him from across the galaxy, ending with an identical rope tied to Thor's soul. He swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to keep himself calm.
He stopped thinking. He listened to the howl of the wind outside, the soft rasps of the trees' bare branches scraping against the rock face, to the sound of the snow drifting to the ground.
This was home… for now. He needed to keep himself safe, needed to ensure that the child was born… healthy. Thor's or not, it was his child, regardless of who the father was. It was his son, his baby, inside him. That was all that mattered.
He prayed to the Gods that it was safe…
That it was alive…
---
Loki lifted his lips from the mess of dark curls and looked down, smoothing back Fenrir's hair as he smiled, tears welling in his eyes. "You were a blessing… I could barely see, couldn't breathe, and yet when you were born I thanked the Gods that you were sent to me. I saw your eyes, and knew you had Yggdrasil's blessing. You were mine… and no one could take you from me." His tears fell now, and he kissed his son's head again. "I lived for you… You kept me going, and you brought me back to Thor."
"But I am not his…" Fenrir frowned again, knowing that it haunted Loki that he would never be Thor's child.
"Thor promised me he would act as your father, regardless of how you came to this life."
"You still wanted me to be his."
"You are, my little moon. You are his, and you are mine. You may not be the heir, but you are our son." Loki was finding it difficult to speak through the knot in his throat.
Fenrir stayed quiet for a moment. "Why are you scared now, mother?" he asked.
Loki gave a sad smile. He could feel the weight of Thor's gaze upon his back. "Because… do you remember when you found me in my room… all the blood?"
"Yes…"
"The man who did that… I thought he was the father of the child inside me… I thought it was my fault. Thor understood before, no matter how much it hurt him, but I knew he would not tolerate it a second time… So I tried to rid myself of the child… I thought that if it were not here, if it were never born, then Thor would stay… and that you would still be mine." Loki found himself calm. The knot had disappeared and he could speak, though tears still flowed.
"But I was wrong, Fenrir…" He brushed Fenrir's hair back again and smiled lightly, sad. "I was so very wrong…"
"Is it father's child?"
"It is… Though I did not know… and I tried… I tried to kill it."
Fenrir swallowed, and Loki held him tight. "I tried to destroy that which I once longed for."
Fenrir ducked his head down and nuzzled his face into the cloth of Loki's shirt, hiding in his mother's chest as he took in what he had been told. "But you know it is father's. Will you keep it?"
"I will."
"Will you keep me?" he whispered. Loki's breath caught.
"Look at me," he breathed. Fenrir resisted. "Look at me." The boy raised his head.
"No matter how many children I give to your father, you will always be mine. You are the one Lokason, and you are my greatest treasure."
Fenrir nodded and hugged his mother, staying close as they laid in the bed. Loki felt the mattress dip as Thor sat across from them, felt the broad hand caress his back. "I will love you for all eternity, my little moon."