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Kara knows she shouldn’t have left her Christmas shopping til the last minute. Despite being a super-speedy superhero she was subject to the same store hours as everyone else on Earth. Well every average person of course. Surely someone like...She wasn’t going there. She couldn’t afford to go there. She buries that train of thought like she’s done so many times in the last few months and falls into a brisk walk. Her phone dings with a new text notification, she pauses again to check it.
“Merry Christmas, Darling.”
Kara is vaguely aware of being buffeted by passerby. She’s aware she’s been standing in the same spot on the sidewalk for a long time now, staring at her phone, and she should probably move but she can’t. She can’t because this doesn’t make sense. Cat texted her. Cat texted her and called her darling. Cat who she hasn’t heard from in weeks. When her vision finally stops swimming and her heartbeat slows a little, the obvious thought occurs to Kara. It must have been meant for someone else. Carter or...a new lover perhaps. The thought turns Kara stomach but there’s no other explanation. Because Cat doesn’t call her darling. Cat doesn’t call or text at all. Cat’s gone and she’s forgotten about Kara and it’s fine really. Kara is fine with it. Cat was just a mentor, a teacher passing through her life. They weren’t friends, clearly, otherwise she would have returned one of Kara’s many frustrated calls about Snapper, not slammed the door in her face the one time she worked up the courage to- No they weren’t friends and Cat was gone and that was okay. She may have cried about it a few times late at night but she was moving on really.
Except Cat is still important to her, she still has a little spot in her heart for the elusive woman so she wonders if she should reach out just once more.
Kara ducks into nearby cafe and orders herself a hot chocolate. It’s the day before Christmas Eve in National City and although she’s surrounded by cheer she’s been struggling to find her usual holiday spirit. She stares into the cup contemplating her next move. Should she call Cat? Would it be like all the other times when it went straight to voice-mail, where messages were left that were never returned? Or would she actually pick up and be cold and distant like she used to be? All the walls Kara had spent years working her way beyond, back in her path.
What were the chances of her being able to think of anything else if she didn’t respond, didn’t attempt to at least contact Cat once more?
She knows she’s going to do it. Has known since the second after she received the text really but she needed to work herself up to it.
She finishes her now cold chocolate and heads home, preferring to face what is likely to be an unfavourable outcome, alone where no one will see her cry. Kara changes into her most comfy clothes, pours herself a glass of water and takes a deep breath. Finally, she scrolls through her contacts and taps Cat’s name.
The phone ringing in her ear is almost dulled out but her own rushing blood. She’s certain Cat won’t pick up, she’s afraid she will. The last ring cuts off.
“Kara.”
Just the sound of that voice, not pre-recorded and brushing her off, is enough to make Kara’s head spin.
“Cat.”
She doesn’t know what to say. She hadn’t expected to get here. Hadn’t expected to ever have another conversation with this woman and now that she’s got her on the line, she can’t speak. There are so many things she’d wanted to say but she can’t speak.
“Kara...Was there a reason you called?”
She knows exactly why she called, Kara is certain. She can hear it in the pauses, in Cat’s uncharacteristic hesitance.
“You texted me. I...I’m sure it was a mistake but I wanted to call to make sure?”
“Of course it was.”
“Right that’s what I thought...”
More silence, heavy and uncomfortable, lies between them.
“Who was it meant for then?” Kara needs to know. She needs to know it was meant for Carter and not some new significant other Cat’s taken up with. She needs to know that Cat, isn’t out there, complete, without Kara in her life.
“I’m sorry?”
“Who was it meant for, the text?”
“I don’t believe my personal life is any of your business!” Cat’s clipped tone hits Kara square in the chest and suddenly she’s angry.
“You made that perfectly clear.”
“Excuse me?”
“You made it perfectly clear that your personal life doesn’t involve me. That things between us were never personal. We were never friends. After all, friends return friends messages. Friends call to catch up and let each other know they’re okay. Friends CARE and they don’t just forget you and cut you out of their lives as if you never mattered!” Kara’s throat is raw, with suppressed sobs, hurt and rage. She knows she shouldn’t be saying all this. Knows that it can’t possibly lead to anything good from Cat. Sympathy or an apology but she’s past caring. She’s been swallowing down this heartbreak for months, pretending she wasn’t lost without her. Never bringing her up because it hurt to much. Pandora’s box is open and she can’t close it now.
“Kara-”
“Tell me, Did I mean anything to you, anything at all? What did I do to you to deserve this...to have one of the most important people in my life just throw me away?”
“Kara, sweetheart-” She can hear the catch in Cat’s voice. The honest concern, she doesn’t want it.
“No. You don’t get to pretend to care now. You don’t get to text me and turn my whole world upside down. You don’t have the right. You left and you’ve ignored me for months. The last time I saw you, you closed a door in my face. Don’t lie to me on top of it. Just don’t. I love you. I told you I loved you and you just...” Kara can’t even form words now. If it weren’t for her Kryptonian constitution she’s certain she would have blacked out from lack of oxygen already. She feels like she might anyway at this point if she doesn’t regain some semblance of control.
“Kara. KARA!”
“Just leave me alone Cat. Please, just-just don’t.”
The phone crunches to pieces in Kara’s hand, as she works to calm herself. She can’t afford to lose control. Not fully, not like a human would, and she knows this. Despite wanting to scream and break things in agony, she needs to compose herself. She needs Alex.
She bundles all her Christmas gifts into a bag, changes into her suit and heads for her sister’s place. She knows that Alex is spending this last night with Maggie before they’re supposed to drive up to Eliza’s tomorrow afternoon for Christmas, and she hopes not to interrupt anything but she can’t exactly call with her phone destroyed now anyway. And flying there is faster.
She considers turning back several times. Not wanting to burden Alex with this, but Kara’s so tired. Tired of pretending this pain doesn’t exist. She knows that Alex has known something has been going on but this is the first time in all the years they’ve known each other, Kara has successfully kept a secret from her. Mostly because she’d kept it a secret from herself as well. She hadn’t known she was in love with Cat until the moment she’d confessed on the woman’s doorstep.
XXXXX
She’d flown to Cat’s beach house on a whim. It had been 2 months since she’d left and she hadn’t returned any of Kara’s messages. Things with Snapper were difficult. Mon El had just awoken. Her life was in turmoil and she’d needed guidance. She’d missed Cat more than she could explain to any of her friends, that she couldn’t even explain to herself so she hadn’t tried. She hadn’t brought Cat’s absence up and it had been eating away. Not just that she’d left but she’d been like a ghost. Out of the public eye and Kara’s for weeks and Kara missed her, she needed her. So she’d taken a chance and flown to the beach house.
She’d thought about the possibility Cat wouldn’t be happy to see her but had shoved that down. Cat was her mentor. She’d always been there when Kara needed her. So she walked up to the security gate and pressed the intercom button.
“ There’s no story here. Leave or I’ll ruin you.”
Kara smirked with fondness. It had been too long since she’d been on the wrong end of a threat from Cat, she missed it.
“ Ms. Grant, Cat. It’s Kara. Can I come in?”
There’s a lengthy pause and then a buzz as the gate clicks open.
Kara strides up to the house and can see Cat waiting at the door.
Cat’s a vision in the most casual dress Kara has ever seen her in. She’s wearing blue jeans, a simple red sweater and no makeup. Kara’s heart swells as she takes her in. She reaches the door and they lock eyes, silently.
“ Hello. It’s been a while,” Kara offers cheerily.
“ Is there a reason you’re disturbing my well earned vacation Kara?” Cat’s tone is cold and Kara finally notices her body language. Her arms crossed, her spine rigid.
“ You haven’t been returning my calls or texts? I wanted to check on you. Are you alright?”
Cat scoffs, “I’m fine. It’s not your job to make sure I’m okay Kara. Not anymore.”
“ But I’m your friend right? That’s what friends do. They talk and they make sure the other is okay. I just...I wanted to see you.”
“ Did it cross your mind that I didn’t want to see you. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been returning your messages Kara. It seems you can’t take a hint.”
Kara is completely bewildered by Cat’s attitude. The last time they’d spoken, as Cat was leaving CatCo, she’d seemed excited for a new adventure. Things between them had been great, they’d even hugged goodbye, Cat promising she’d be back.
“ Have-have I done something? Are you upset with me?” Kara questions, confused and hurt.
Cat twitches nearly imperceptibly, before her shoulders fall.
“ You haven’t done anything Kara. I just don’t understand what you want from me?”
“ I told you I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I missed you? I thought we could catch up.” Kara eyes Cat earnestly.
“ I don’t think that’s a good idea Kara.”
“ Why not? We’re friends right?” Cat had hugged her. Cat had helped her grow as a person and let her in like no one else. They had a bond. Kara doesn’t understand what’s happening here.
“ We’re not friends Kara. You were, are in so much as I still own the company, my employee. I molded you as best I could to become something great. Now you’re on your own. I can’t help you any further.”
The ground feels like it's falling out from beneath Kara’s feet. She feels sick.
“ I don’t understand.”
Suddenly the door is closing. And Kara can’t bear it. She has to say something, anything. She had to find out why.
“ I love you.” Kara’s hands fly up to clamp over her mouth. That wasn’t what she’d meant to say at all. But she realizes the words are accurate. It’s the only thing that explains the pain she’s been feeling missing Cat in her life.
She looks at Cat who seems equally stunned. Emotions pass over her face so quickly Kara can’t decipher them. When Cat speaks her voice is almost sorry and distant. Kara can feel her heart twisting in her chest.
“ Kara I- I don’t have those feelings for you. I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea but...you were a protege, nothing more. You shouldn’t contact me again.”
“ Cat please-”
Cat’s eyes are sorrowful as she closes the door in Kara’s face. Kara stands there weeping before finally gathering herself and making the walk back to Cat’s fence. When she gets far enough away she jumps into the air and flies as fast as she can, trying to outpace her tears.
XXXXX
Alex and Maggie are good about Kara ruining their evening. Initially Maggie says she’ll leave the sisters to it but Kara doesn’t want that. She knows that with Maggie around Alex will pry a little less. And when Alex does ask what’s so upset her, Kara gives nothing away. Only asks to stay on Alex’s couch until morning. She just doesn’t want to be alone with this ache anymore. But she can’t explain about Cat. Especially not now, when it’s Christmas and she doesn’t want to distract from festivities. No just being near Alex is more than enough for now.
XXXXX
After saying goodbye to Maggie, the two leave early Christmas eve, the car ride accompanied by terrible Christmas carols. Kara tries to keep up her normally exuberant front, singing along with enthusiasm and smiling brightly whenever Alex looks over at her, which is quite often. She can tell Alex doesn’t buy the act, wants to ask more questions but she doesn’t and Kara is grateful. At this point, she just wants to make it through this holiday, so she can nurse her broken heart alone.
Despite her best attempts at pretending, Eliza too seems concerned about her. Kara overhears muted conversation between her and Alex. She often finds them looking at her with worried eyes. The guilt of making them worry and putting a damper on the everything is making Kara miserable. So she stays hidden away in her room. Trying to keep to herself while Eliza and Alex cook dinner. That’s where she is when Eliza calls to her saying she has a guest. She doesn’t even think to use her powers to find out who it is, instead climbing slowly to her feet and making her way downstairs. The sight that greets her is completely unexpected.
XXXXX
“What are you doing here?!” Kara snarls looking at Cat in surprise. She hadn’t expected to ever see the woman face to face again.
“I – I was worried about you.” Cat is hesitant. She looks harried and exhausted. Kara doesn’t remember ever seeing her like this. It’s almost enough to soften her cold demeanour. But the hurt is still so raw she refuses to look beyond it.
“I’m fine. You should leave,” Kara snarls, body thrumming with tension.
“Kara please, I just want to talk.” The older woman takes a tentative step towards her. One she shies away from.
“Oh you mean like I wanted to talk to you all those months ago when I showed up at your house,” Kara huffs indignantly.
“Give me 2 minutes and if you never want to see me again I’ll understand.”
Kara turns to look at her mother and sister observing this tense exchange before turning around. “Follow me,” She tosses over her shoulder. Kara leads Cat into her childhood bedroom and closes the door.
“You have 2 minutes.” Kara turns herself partially away, arms crossed protectively, trying to ward off the pain caused by Cat’s mere presence.
“When I left Cat Co, I was excited. I thought that finding a new venture to throw myself into would be easy. All my life I’ve worked tirelessly for a goal. First it was being top of my class in university. Then becoming the best reporter I could be. After I formed CatCo I wanted to make it the biggest media company in the world. And I did that. It was my greatest dream and I achieved it. So I left to find something else to do. But I struggled to find anything I loved as much as working at Cat Co everyday. Over the past few months I’ve realized I made a mistake leaving, one of many.”
“What does this have to do with me?”
“I’ve missed CatCo but what completely surprised me is that I’ve missed you more.” Kara gasps quietly at Cat’s words.
“I thought I was leaving because there was nothing more for me to do there but really… I couldn’t face going into my office every morning and not seeing you there. It was so hard for me, promoting you, even knowing it was right. You deserved it but it took you away from me and it hurt. It hurt a surprising amount. It was then I started to fully realize my feelings for you were… beyond what I’d originally thought,” Cat murmurs, eyes downcast.
“You were more than an employee, more than a friend even. But the whole thing was hopeless. Nothing could possibly come of my feelings. You’re so much younger than I am. Straight, I’d assumed based on you’re infatuation with James, and you admired me in a way I treasured, I didn’t want to jeopardize that. So I thought I’d take some time. Put some distance between us. Except the longer I stayed away from you, the more I struggled to move forward. My feelings for you didn’t change. And I didn’t have work to focus on, I couldn’t find anything else I had a passion for. I walked away from everything I hold most dear, besides my sons. I wanted to call you but, I was afraid I’d tell you everything. Spill my guts. You turned up at my door as beautiful as ever and I panicked. I had to get you to leave before I folded. Then you said you-” Cat swallows harshly. “You said you loved me and I thought you couldn’t possibly mean it. Not the way I needed you to.”
“You closed the door in my face Cat.” Kara finally interrupts, softly.
“I did. I was-” Cat winces as if the words leave an awful taste in her mouth, “Afraid. I didn’t intend to hurt you. I was trying to spare us both.”
A silence falls between them, expectant. Kara let’s her eyes roam Cat’s face. She looks, tired, bags lining her eyes, her brows furrowed in earnestness and concern. The anger that had festered inside her seems to drift away like so much smoke.
“Why are you telling me this now Cat? Why did you send me that text?”
“The text was… I was drinking and I missed you.”
“You lied to me, when I asked you about it on the phone.”
“I know. Part of me wanted you to call, to hear your voice, even if you were yelling at me. Then you did and I froze up. I was awful to you on the phone and… when you hung up on me I was worried. I just needed to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m not.”
“I… understand.” Cat pulled her coat tightly around her and shifted on her feet. “I apologize for interrupting your family time. I should go.”
“You could have called. But you showed up here and said all these things and now...What am I supposed to do with any of this Cat? What do you want?”
“I-”
“And please don’t lie to me to save face or because you think it would be better for me just, be honest.”
“I want you. In my life. In whatever way I can have you.”
Kara didn’t notice Cat closing the space between them until she was staring into her eyes. She held the contact, Cat unblinking in her conviction.
“I don’t usually consider myself a coward, but I have been one about you. I want to make it up to you.”
The amount of sheer emotion in Cat’s eyes made Kara shiver. Still she sighed, “I want to believe you Cat but I just...I’m going to need some time.”
Cat nodded in resignation, shoulders falling. “Of course. Perhaps I should-”
“Yeah that might be for the best.” If Kara were being honest, she didn’t really want Cat to leave so soon. It had been months since she’d seen her and what she wanted more than anything was to wrap her arms around the media mogul and breathe her in. But her sense of self preservation was warring with her heart.
They walked back downstairs quietly, into the kitchen where Kara’s family sat, eyeing them both curiously.
“Is everything okay, Kara?” Alex questioned, glaring at Cat.
“I-yeah- It’s fine. Cat just needed to talk to me for a second.”
“So you’re not staying for dinner Cat?” Eliza enquired cautiously. “I made plenty.”
“No I wouldn’t want to intrude.”
Alex muttered under her breath, “A bit late for that.”
Eliza shot her eldest daughter a quelling look, before turning her attention back to the uninvited guest. “Do you have other plans?”
“No I-”
“Where’s Carter?” Kara suddenly chimed in, curious.
“With his father for the holidays.”
“So you were just going to spend today alone?”
“I spend a lot of time alone Kara. I prefer it that way, generally.”
Any other time maybe Kara would believe that or let it go despite the hollow ache she so often saw in Cat’s eyes but at Christmas, that was out of the question. Despite everything between them being up in the air, she couldn’t let Cat go back to her empty home. “You should stay?”
Cat’s eyes widened. “Are you sure?”
“Unless you’d rather not?”
“I suppose I could stay for dinner.” Cat shot her a small smile.
They all sat down to eat together. It was awkward at first, Alex all hostility and cutting quips, they struggled for conversation. But things grew less tense when Eliza began to ask Cat about her work, and eventually words flowed between the four women. Kara often found Cat’s eyes on her, fond and warm, causing her to blush and turn away. Alex and Eliza noted the flirtation with an exchange of knowing looks.
When dinner drew to a close and Cat began to make unconvincing excuses to leave, Kara cut right to the chase.
“I don’t believe you really want to go. And I don’t want you to. I know that this place isn’t fancy and Alex...maybe doesn’t like you very much,” Cat laughed at that understatement, “But I want you to stay the night. Stay for Christmas.”
When Cat didn’t speak for several seconds, Kara assumed she’d pushed for too much. “I mean you don’t have to? It was just a suggestion. I just thought...”
“Fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yes Kara, if that is what you want?”
“It is.” Kara clapped in excitement. “Okay I guess we need to find you something to sleep in.” Kara took Cat’s hand and pulled her back into her bedroom. “You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Or you could sleep in here.”
“No I couldn’t let you take the couch.”
Cat scoffed, “As if I would sleep on that dingy thing. I meant,” she hesitated, “We could sleep in it together.” Cat shifted nervously in her seat at the foot of Kara’s bed.
Kara flushed at the implication, “But isn’t that- I mean it wouldn’t it be too soon. We’re not even a couple right? Because you hurt me and- I mean do you want to be a couple? We should probably talk about that, right? Before anything happens, not that I’m opposed you know just-”
“Just sleep,” Cat interrupted Kara’s flustered ramble with a sly smile. “Although, as you said, I wouldn’t be opposed. I’ve been travelling all day and I’m exhausted.” She lifted her hands, “I promise to keep these to myself, at least for now.”
Kara blushed even harder before muttering, “Yeah okay. I guess we can share.”
Kara handed Cat some pyjamas and left to change into her own.
It took Kara forever to fall asleep. She couldn’t get her mind off of Cat being so nearby. Cat whom she’d pined for, in bed with her, mere inches away. She knew that no matter what presents her family and friends gave her she’d already received the most unexpected and precious gift in Cat’s confession. Kara finally drifted off, hours later, a bright smile on her face
XXXXX
She awoke surrounded by warmth. Something silky and lavender scented tickling her nose. Opening her eyes Kara was met with the beautiful sight of a sleeping Cat Grant. Somehow, throughout the night, they’d migrated toward each other until Cat’s arms were wrapped snugly around her. Being in Cat’s arms like this was beyond her wildest dreams. Even knowing the uncertainty of their future together, she couldn’t force herself to leave them. Instead, she snuggled deeper into the hold.
The sheets rustled as Cat stirred from her own slumber. Kara was a little nervous Cat would snap at her for invading her personal space during the night. Nervous that maybe Cat had changed her mind and no longer wanted this. Her fears were put at ease, when slender arms tightened around her waist, warm blue eyes met her own.
Suddenly, Kara was certain they would be okay.
“Merry Christmas, Darling.” Cat sealed the words with a chaste kiss to Kara’s cheek.
Kara sighed, in contentment. “Merry Christmas, Cat.”