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There have been times when Harry wished more than anything that she was a boy. When she was eight and the boys in her class picked on her because Harry's a boy's name, Harriet, and she said no, but it's mine and I'm not a boy and they laughed at her. When she was fifteen and kissed Jessie Tompkins, who spat at her because girls don't do that with other girls. When an article about the number of men she has purportedly slept with came out and all of the mothers on Twitter had made it their personal mission to let her know she does not deserve her success and her slutty ways are a bad influence on their daughters.
And then there are times when Harry wouldn't trade being a girl for anything in the world, like when Lou has brought her to her third orgasm in minutes and she can't keep her eyes open because she is so gone, or, as is more presently pertinent, when Lou's hand is dancing across her inner thigh and she is so turned on it is all she can do not to buck into her. The interviewer is asking Zayn about how the band developed its trademark style and they don't know, it is right in front of their faces and they don't know. Well, possibly Niall knows, because he keeps glancing at the two of them and looks positively chuffed, but Harry can't focus on that--she focuses all of her energy on blinking and breathing at a reasonable pace, wondering if she could come like this, on camera, and if Lou is wondering the same thing.
"Of course, I think we all know what Harry over here has in mind when she picks out her outfits..."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Lou snaps, and it is only that, and the fact that Lou's wandering hand is now clasped protectively on her knee, that brings Harry back to the world.
The interviewer is an Asian woman, in her mid-thirties, by the looks of it, with blond highlights and an obscenely broad smile for someone who has pissed off Lou Tomlinson. Harry is still trying to figure out what is happening when she says, "well, if even a fraction of the rumors about Harry's, ah, extracurricular activities are true, One Direction seems to be picking up quite the male fan base."
Harry looks down at her outfit. Black skinny jeans with brown boots, an oversized plaid flannel shirt over a black cami. Except for the secret love tattoos gracing her collarbones and her secret girlfriend trying to get her off under the table, she is not sure what is all that interesting about the picture.
"Our fans love us for our music," Liam is saying. Niall is putting an arm around Lou's shoulder, and Zayn keeps looking between Lou and the interviewer like he's making sure he will have time to intervene before Lou hits her. "And we love them for that, and because they respect us, as people."
The interviewer's smile has faded slightly. "Well, of course, I didn't mean to imply otherwise..."
"I think," Harry says, and she swears everyone seems to have forgotten she was in the room at all, given the surprise in everyone's eyes as they turn towards her, "what defines our style is our individuality. Nobody likes to be boxed in, yeah?" She smiles, broad, bland, and harmless, just like their media team has taught her.
"Right you are," the interviewer says, taking the out with a grin, even though Lou still looks ready to tear out her throat. "Do you think that's the secret to your success, then? Your unwillingness to be easily categorized?"
Liam takes over. Harry is still embarrassingly wet, but Lou's hand doesn't leave her knee for the rest of the interview, even when Zayn reaches across Niall to ruffle her hair and she relaxes her shoulders slightly.
###
In the car, Lou and Liam fight. Roger, their driver pretends not to listen, but Harry watches him as she rests her head on Niall's shoulder and nudges her knee against Lou's, and she can tell he can barely believe the bitterness that he's hearing in their young voices. Harry can hardly believe it herself.
"I can't fucking believe you're defending them, Liam," Lou says, looking like she might spit, "you know as well as I do they prescreen those questions, probably even plant them--"
"I'm not defending anyone," Liam says. "You know I can't stand it when people are sexist pricks to you two, you're like my sisters. Fuck, if Harry was a boy, I'm sure they'd be congratulating her on this shit--" Niall lets out a bark of a laugh and Harry hides her face in his shoulder. "--and it makes me sick. But there's a reason why we have to let these rumors run their course, and you snapping back at interviewers like a jealous girl--"
"Say it, Liam," Lou snaps. "Say I'm acting like a jealous girlfriend. Say it like it doesn't even matter."
Liam doesn't say anything. Harry closes her eyes as Niall pats down her curls. "It matters to all of us, Lou," Zayn says. The car is quiet for a few minutes. Harry's ankle hooks around Lou's and Lou takes Harry's hand in hers, tracing comforting circles onto her thumb.
"I'm sorry," Harry says, when they are almost to Harry and Lou's house. "About all of this."
The boys turns to look at her, agape. Lou continues to stare out the window. "Don't fucking even," Niall says with a shit-eating grin, pushing her off his shoulder jokingly. "What have you done to deserve this, eh?"
"If things were different--" Harry starts to say, looking at Lou looking out the window, if I were a boy, if I weren't a dyke, if we didn't have to keep secrets.
"Harry, don't be an idiot," Liam says, in the same scolding tone he had been using with Lou earlier, though his eyebrows have gone quite a bit softer. "We are in this together with you."
"We're family." Zayn is looking at Lou as he speaks, but she doesn't acknowledge him. "All of us. We wouldn't have it any other way. End of conversation."
Lou is holding Harry's hand rather more loosely than before as they pull up to their home, and still hasn't said anything. "Thanks, Roger," Harry says to the driver as she and Lou get out of the van, while Zayn squeezes her hand and the others promise to text them later.
###
The sound of the keys hitting the table is still ringing out when Lou shoves Harry against the wall of their flat and latches her lips to the underside of Harry's jaw, kissing so furiously it feels a bit like she is trying to suck something out of Harry, and as Harry melts into her touch she almost forgets about all the things they should talk about, all the people Lou is hoping to piss off by leaving a lovebite in such an obvious place.
"Hi," Harry says, her tongue feeling too big for her mouth. She laces the fingers of her right hand through her girlfriend's hair while letting her left trace the hard line of Lou's jaw from behind her ear.
Lou pulls away from the bruise she is leaving on Harry's jaw long enough to kiss her cheek and throw her a smile. "Hi yourself," she says. Harry thinks about saying something--about how she loves it when Lou is protective of her, about Liam and how he means well, about how she's worried they can't take much more of this--but while holding her gaze, Lou's smile widens and Harry goes giddy on it, like she always does, smiling so hard her face might split in half and all she can do is take Lou's face in her hands and laugh because it is ridiculous how fond she is of this girl. Lou's smile is lopsided and she blinks furiously, like she is trying to say something without words, her eyes never leaving Harry's and Harry feels like they are at the center of something huge.
After a moment Lou buries her face into Harry's neck, and Harry can feel her still smiling as she trails kisses down to the smaller of the swallows on her chest. Then Lou's hands are on Harry's hips and oh, no matter how many times they do this Lou's fingertips digging into Harry's sides will feel like the first time, in the X Factor house bathroom, that Harry ever felt like someone knew her. If it weren't Lou, it would be embarrassing how wet she is already, still.
"Lou," Harry means to say, only it comes out as more of a gasp when Lou's fingers squeeze around her entirely too clothed arse just as she presses a sloppy kiss to Harry's collarbone. "Bed. Before I forget how to stand."
Lou pulls away from kissing Harry long enough to smirk. "Yes, ma'am."
They lose most of their clothes on the way to the bedroom, flannel and henley thrown onto the floor, skinny jeans kicked aside as they stumble onto the big white bed. Lou rolls on top of Harry, struggling with her bra for a moment before flinging it across the room, Harry's breasts falling free. Usually Lou's mouth would be on her already-stiff tits in seconds, but she holds back, taking in the sight of Harry beneath her carefully. For once, Harry can't read her expression.
"Babe?" Harry says, supporting herself on her elbows and frowning. "Everything okay?"
Lou studies Harry's face for a second. "I'm worth it, right?" she says, in a small voice that makes Harry's head hurt. "The lies, I mean."
"Love," Harry says, her voice cracking. She wonders for a second why on earth the love of her life is asking her this before remembering the conversation in the car, God I say the stupidest things how do I never think before I say things.
Harry shimmies far enough out from beneath Lou's weight that she can sit on her own, takes Lou's hand in hers, and puts a hand against her jawbone. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me," she says, enunciating each word. "If I had to, I would give up everything else for you." Harry's eyes search Lou's for a sign of understanding.
Lou gives a slight nod, then seems to look beyond Harry's eyes for a moment. "I hate that's a choice you even need to think about," she says before her gaze returns to Harry. "But, me too. I mean. You know."
"I know," Harry says, tucking a lock of hair behind Lou's ear before kissing her on the tip of her nose. She strokes her jaw for a moment. "Want to get back to showing me?" she says teasingly, lacing her fingers in Lou's and easing back onto the bed.
Lou's hunger is back on her face in an instant, and she smirks. "Always," she says. She straddles Harry's hips again and Harry moans as Lou's hands cup her breasts perfectly. "You looked so good today," Lou says, flicking Harry's nipples with her thumbs, "you always look so good."
Lou's hands run down Harry's sides, fingernails raking lightly into her skin as she sucks Harry's nipple into her mouth and Harry's eyes flutter closed. "Show me," she says, breathing increasingly raggedly, "show me showmeshowme."
Lou bites down on her nipple lightly while she pinches the other. Harry whimpers, hands groping blindly to unclasp Lou's bra as Lou slides her fingers under Harry's boyshorts and teases her clit with her index finger.
"You're so wet for me," Lou mutters, kissing down the plane of Harry's stomach as one hand continues to grope at her breasts and the other traces Harry's slit lightly. "Desperate, even." She pulls off her bra and tosses it over the side of the bed and after all this time, Harry still finds it hard to believe she gets to see her like this, that she gets to feel the heat of their breasts smashing together as Lou tilts back up to kiss her on the lips.
"Yes," Harry whispers, closing her eyes clenching her hands into fists. "Need you. Please." Lou kisses her unshaven pubic hair and Harry chokes on a gasp as Lou bites into the soft white skin of her inner thigh and then laps at it gently with her tongue. Harry bucks her hips upward but Lou is holding her down as she sucks the love bite into Harry's skin.
"Mine," Lou says. Harry nods, biting her lip. With no further ado, Lou presses two fingers into Harry and Harry is gone, head thrashing from side to side as Lou fucks into her slow and deep, adding a third finger as she sucks the more sensitive of Harry's extra nipples into her mouth.
"Please," Harry says, one hand curling into Lou's hair as she picks up the pace--Lou's thumb finds her clit and her fingers are hitting Harry's G-spot again and again and she might start crying it is so good. "Lou..."
"You want more?" Lou mutters against Harry's chest, kissing the underside of her breast wetly. Harry whines as Lou slows her pace again, but it is still somehow perfect, Lou's fingertips hitting all the right spots as she fucks into Harry steadily. "Tell me what you want, love," she purrs, making Harry gasp by pressing her thumb into the love bite on her jaw.
"Your cunt," Harry says without thinking, "fuck, Lou, please..." Harry is begging, she knows it, feels how high and breathless her voice has become. "Let me, let me get my lips on your clit, if you let me, I'll be so good for you..."
Lou pauses, just for a second, but Harry feels the hesitation because she feels everything, Lou is buried so deep inside her. "You want that?" she says, and to anyone else it would sound like dirty talk but Harry knows this girl better than she knows her own hands, knows that in the two years they have been together Lou has only let Harry go down on her twice and she never came (of course you're good, babe, don't be ridiculous, I just need more stimulation than that to come), knows Lou feels vulnerable when Harry fucks her and that it is hotter and more terrifying than anything else.
"Yes," Harry moans, rocking herself back onto Lou's fingers. Lou speeds up again and her thumb strokes Harry's clit perfectly. Harry's hands fist into the sheets, "I want that all the time," she gasps and comes, back arching off the bed, imagining her face buried in Lou.
Lou fucks Harry through her orgasm carefully before pulling out and running a soothing hand over the moth inked on Harry's abdomen. "Shhh," she says, as Harry shifts and gasps as another wave of pleasure hits. "God, you are so beautiful like this."
Harry takes a few slow breaths before the world becomes less fuzzy and she can focus again. She sits up a bit. "Can I...?" Harry glances between Lou's legs and looks back at her questioningly. Lou puts her fingers, still coated with Harry, to her mouth, and licks them thoughtfully. Harry whimpers as another aftershock of her orgasm hits her. "I really want to. To do that for you."
"Honey," Lou says. She is looking at the blossoming bruise on Harry's thigh, stroking it lightly as she speaks. "I--look, I don't come that easily, you know that. I just don't want you to waste your time."
Waste your time. "Oh." Harry pulls her legs together and sits hunched over on the bed. She picks at a bit of dirt under a fingernail. "I mean. Right."
Lou seems to recognize she's said the wrong thing because "shit, Harry, that's not what I--Harry, Harriet, look at me."
Harry does. Lou is still wearing her green and white striped boyshorts. Even with her hair tousled from Harry's hands she looks like a fucking goddess, full, pale, upturned breasts and gentle curves hugging delicate bone. She puts her hand on Harry's cheek and bites her lip while looking her in the eye and Harry is so in love with her she feels dizzy.
Harry closes her eyes and explains. "It's, it's not about getting you to come--I mean, I want you to, of course, it's not like I don't care if you--it just, it turns me on to do things for you." Lou's hand fall from her face, and Harry's eyes fall open. Lou is chewing on her thumbnail and looking at Harry's hands. She looks--of all things--scared, and Harry is forcefully reminded of the first time she asked for this, years ago, and so much has changed but the girl in front of her is still the same.
"I love you," Harry says, a bit more fiercely than she means to. "I like doing things for you, naughty and otherwise. If it doesn't turn you on, then--I'm not trying to make you, God, I'm just saying, it would never be a waste of time for me."
There are not that many people Lou allows herself to appear unsure in front of, and watching her make a decision she's not entirely sure of, Harry can't stop herself from taking her head in her hands and kissing her forehead. "If... I mean, if it turns you on," Lou says slowly.
"Yeah?" Harry says, searching Lou's face until she nods, smiling slightly. "Yeah," Harry says. "It really does." She kisses Lou on the lips and pushes her slowly down onto the mattress, hands on her full breasts, thumbs circling her nipples. "Don't know if you've heard," she says as Lou's nostrils flare at the touch, "but Harriet Styles is a bit of a dyke."
"Can't believe everything you read," Lou mutters. Harry bites out a laugh before sucking one of Lou's nipples into her mouth and Lou giggles, which--isn't exactly the response Harry was expecting, and it shouldn't be this hot but it is. Harry takes her time pulling Lou's pants off, enjoying the dark wet spot and the way Lou arches into the bed so that Harry can tug them over her arse.
Harry is already so, so wet, but bringing her face down to Lou's cunt she feels another surge of wetness in herself. Lou is perfect--neatly trimmed, thick outer lips glistening, clit protruding pink over her mound. Harry inhales her sharp scent and groans, planting a row of kisses along Lou's inner thigh.
"Fuck, Lou, you're so wet for me already," Harry whispers. "So pretty." Lou whimpers. She runs her hands over her girlfriend's stomach for a minute before reaching behind her and grabbing a pillow, settling it beneath Lou's arse so she can get a better angle.
"You good, love?" Harry says, casting her eyes up to Lou's face. Her eyes are closed tightly, and she is already digging her fingernails into the bed. "Hey," Harry says, lifting her head so she isn't talking into her girlfriend's cunt. "Talk to me? We don't need to do this, Lou, Jesus, not if you're--"
"It just feels like you're--far," Lou says, meeting Harry's eyes for the first time in a few minutes. "Just--you're down there and I feel really, exposed, like, and you're usually so close to me, it's weird. You don't have to stop, I'm just... adjusting."
Harry laces one of her hands through Lou's and kisses their fingers. "I'm right here," she says. She plants a gentle kiss right over Lou's clit and hears Lou exhale heavily.
Harry keeps holding Lou's hand in hers while she moves her other hand to Lou's stomach. "You are so beautiful," she says, "spread out for me like this." She kisses Lou's clit again, open-mouthed, her tongue lashing out to meet it, and Lou's legs spread open wider. "I'll make it good for you, babe, I promise," Harry whispers, and then becomes too preoccupied to keep talking.
Harry's first lick along Lou's slit is teasing and slow, but the velvet hotness feels so good on her tongue and it's been so long that she is lapping away hungrily before she can stop herself--long, flat licks up and down, light kisses, just the occasional flick on Lou's clit that makes her squeeze Harry's hand and hiss tease. Harry's eyes flick up to meet Lou's often, saying is this good and I'm here but Lou seems to be sinking into the sensation in a way Harry has never seen her before, pupils blown and head thrown back as Harry's nose nudges her clit and her tongue teases her opening.
Lou tastes sweaty, salty and slightly sweet and Harry is in heaven feeling Lou's wetness smudge her lips, can't imagine stopping while Lou shudders, gasps, and melts into her touch. After one particularly hard groan Harry can't stop herself from fucking Lou the best she can with her tongue, and it's sloppy but while Lou's cunt is rocking against her, covering her face she feels so present and whole she forgets to breathe.
"Harry," Lou says unsteadily, dropping her hand from Harry's and fisting it into the sheets. Harry lifts her face, glistening with Lou's secretions, and licks her lips unconsciously. "Harry, fuck," Lou says, closing her eyes and shaking her head and looking so, so wrecked. "Fuck me? Please?"
Harry licks her lips again, loving the way Lou's taste is all over her. "Yeah, love, okay," she says, relishing Lou's whimper as she presses a sloppy kiss to her clit. "Which one do you want?"
For pop stars with no way of walking into a sex shop without global scandal, Harry and Lou have an impressive collection of toys. Lou's favorite is the thick purple rabbit vibrator that the lads had gotten them as a joke (though one long night on the tour bus later it had been Harry and Lou who were laughing), but Harry sort of wishes she'll choose the smaller blue dildo that was their first because something about today is making her nostalgic for the days when it felt like the whole world was just the two of them and their hands and lips in their X Factor bunks.
Lou frowns for a second and mumbles, "fingers are good," and Harry tries to stop a too-wide grin from spreading across her face because Lou is always telling her she wants more, bigger, harder, faster, but at least for right now, Harry is enough. Maybe Lou is nostalgic too.
"I love you," Harry says, even if it feels like she should wait until they're done, because she does, "I love you like this, I love you," and she dives back into Lou's cunt, licking a stripe up to her clit as her index finger finds Lou's entrance and teases slow circles for a moment before she fucks into her with one fluid motion, gently sucking on her clit at the same time.
"Harry," Lou gasps. Her hands fly to Harry's head, gripping onto her curls desperately and Harry stutters, breath momentarily lost as Lou pushes her face into her cunt. "Oh my god, sorry," Lou says suddenly, her hands loosening in Harry's hair enough for Harry to look up at her. She looks mortified.
"It's okay," Harry says, fucking a second finger into Lou and stroking her walls reassuringly, smirking as Lou's eyes roll into her head. "You can--I mean, I like it. When you feel desperate for me."
"Harry," Lou whines again, her eyes fluttering closed. Harry moves her mouth back to Lou's clit and licks slowly, in time with her finger strokes. Lou's hands tighten in her hair again and she pushes down tentatively, and yes, Harry hums her assent against Lou's clit as her lips smash into it. Lou's fingers rake through Harry's curls as she increases the suction, slipping her free hand down to stroke her own throbbing clit as she pushes a third finger into Lou's hot, wet cunt.
Lou comes with a crook of Harry's fingers and an incoherent sob, clenching rhythmically around Harry as her hands curl in her hair. Harry eases off her clit, giving it little kitten licks and pulling her fingers out of Lou slowly, fucking back in slightly as she rides out her orgasm. Lou's small whimpers go straight to Harry's clit and she comes a minute later, breathing hard against Lou's cunt as pleasure washes all the tension out of her body for a second time.
After both of them have started breathing normally again, Harry tugs the pillow out from under Lou's arse and tucks it under her head. When Harry's head falls back on the pillow next to hers, she faces the ceiling, closes her eyes, and inhales slowly. Lou presses her face to Harry's neck below her ear and she can feel her smile, lopsided and sexed-out.
"Hey," Lou whispers, her hand coming to rest just beneath Harry's breast. "That." She says it like it is a full sentence.
"Good?" Harry's hands are wet from both of them, but that doesn't stop her from smoothing them over Lou's back. Lou grins without hesitation, kissing below Harry's ear.
"So good." She puts a thumb to Harry's swollen lips and Harry kisses it. "Might have to take advantage of that pretty little mouth of yours more often."
"Yes, please." Harry nudges her nose against Lou's. "Love you."
"Love you back," Lou whispers. Harry pulls her into spooning position, her hand settling across her girlfriend's stomach as she presses a kiss to the back of her neck.
They spoon quietly for a few minutes, and Harry's mind starts to wander, settling on the interview earlier today. Her body must tense, because after a moment Lou says, "you worrying about something?"
Harry kisses the back of Lou's neck again. "Nothing important," she mutters. "Just thinking about that interview."
"Don't," Lou says. She looks over her shoulder at Harry with narrowed eyes. "Not for a single second." Harry exhales heavily and turns onto her back again. "Harriet." Lou turns over and winds a finger into Harry's curls. "I'm serious. Don't even think about that bullshit. Or I might have to go kill someone."
"Sometimes..." Harry doesn't know how to express the thought that comes to her mind, but if there is anyone in the world who might understand, it's Lou. "I wonder, Lou. I feel like they must be right about me."
Lou's mouth goes slack and her brow furrows. "Love..." Harry blinks, then laughs loudly, thinking what that must have sounded like to her.
"Yeah, I've been cheating on you with four hundred guys," Harry says. "Don't know how I've managed to keep that from you this long. It's been a right scheduling nightmare, let me tell you."
Lou sticks her tongue out and flicks Harry on the forehead with her middle finger. "Arsehole," she says fondly. "Don't know why I put up with you."
Harry lets herself feel fond for a moment, but tries not to let the joke distract her from what she wanted to say. "What I meant was, sometimes I can't... stop myself from feeling like a slut."
Harry keeps her eyes closed so she doesn't have to look at Lou's face, but she feels Lou press a kiss to the side of her face. "You are not a slut. Might be an idiot, though." She pauses, then says, "wait--is this because I felt you up on camera, because I, I thought you were into it, god I am such an idiot--"
Harry's eyes fly open and she takes Lou's hand in hers."No," she says forcefully. She sits up and leans back againstthe headboard of their bed, squeezing Lou's hand as the other girl rests her head in Harry's lap, looking up at her with wide eyes. "No, Lou. Of course I was into it, you would have known if I wasn't. I am so, I am into actually every single thing about you, you know? I feel it pouring out of me, everywhere, all the time, Christ, my stomach aches with it sometimes." This isn't anything Harry hasn't said before, but her stomach still flutters a little when Lou nods, like of course. She sighs. "But then it's like... it's like no one else sees it? Apart from you, I mean. And the lads. But everyone else--" Harry shakes her head. "God, they look at me just smiling at some bloke, because I'm happy or because I'm not an arse, or they see me having a laugh with Liam or Niall or Zayn because they are the greatest friends you could ask for, but these people, they just see sex. And it makes me wonder if, if maybe I'm actually the crazy one here? If everyone is right about me, if I am a merciless tease or slut or something, and I just don't see it because I only have eyes for you."
Harry exhales heavily and leans her head against the wall. Lou kisses her stomach. "I want to kill everyone who ever made you feel like that," she says.
"Lou." Harry reaches to smooth her hair but Lou takes her hand.
"No, listen," Lou says. Harry looks down at the girl in her lap, a look of something like determination on her face. "When you say my name," Lou continues, obviously fighting the grin threatening to overtake her face because what she is saying is important, "I feel like. Like I'm home. No matter where we are, when you say my name, I know that we are in the same place, and that means more to me than--well, you know, and no one else has that, Harry. Just me and you. They don't know you, they don't know us, but we do."
"I want to tell them," Harry says. She runs her thumb over Lou's bottom lip, and that absurd, uncontrollable grin breaks out again. "I want to tell the world that you're mine. My girl."
"They'll know," Lou says, settling her head further into Harry's lap as she squeezes her hand, fingers tracing the words I can't change. "Give it time."