Chapter Text
“I can’t do this anymore.”
Those were the words that changed everything in my life, and I never anticipated that they would come out of her mouth. Honestly, if you had told me that my sister would betray me, desert me, and leave me with a half-dead mother and a monster of a father, I would have laid you out right then and there. Mikasa was the last person I expected to leave me, and the first to do so. Perhaps that’s why it was such a crushing blow when I finally realized she was serious.
“Eren, are you listening?” her voice quivered around the words, and I knew then that this was really happening. Mikasa had never been scared of anything before, but she was running now.
“Why?” I had to strangle the word out of my throat, and when it finally came out it was nothing but a pitiful gasp.
“I…” her voice trailed off as she hedged on what to say next. “I can’t tell you that. You don’t need to know-“
“The hell I don’t need to know!” my voice came out sharper than I had intended, but I felt no regrets when she flinched away from the sound. “You can’t just leave me here and not tell me why! You can’t abandon me like this!”
“Eren, it doesn’t concern you.” The finality in her voice told me that I should give up now. Of course, I was never one to give up on anything, especially not her.
“You’re my sister, Mikasa!” I said this as if it could trump everything she had said up until now. She opened her mouth to speak and I hurried to cut her off, stumbling over my words, “You’ve been different. I’ve noticed it, and I didn’t want to say anything to piss you off. But something’s changed, hasn’t it? Something’s wrong. Talk to me, Mikasa.”
She lowered her head and I was unable to see her face, which only angered me further. I tried to ignore the way her hand tightened around the worn leather handle of her suitcase; I tried to ignore that there was a suitcase at all. That would only solidify the fact that she was leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no way in hell I would accept that.
“Mikasa!” She jumped at my cry and her eyes turned to me, wider than I had ever seen them before.
My breath caught in my throat and I could have sworn I was going to choke to death on it. At that point, I might have been glad to do so. Her eyes were hopeless. As if she had explored every other option and arrived at the only choice she had. The one choice she didn’t want to make but would.
“What’s happening to you?” I could barely hear the whisper myself, even though I was the one to make it.
“He’s-“ The front door lock clicked, and Mikasa fell silent. All of the hopelessness I had seen in her was replaced with a fear I had never dreamed I would see in those eyes.
“Mikasa, what-“ Her palm slammed against my mouth so hard that I knew immediately that I would have a bruise later. My head cracked against the wall behind me, and she held me in place with her nails digging into my cheek.
“Don’t say a word,” her voice was a frantic whisper in my ear. “You didn’t see me leave. Do you understand, Eren? You didn’t see me go.”
I tried to wrestle free of her hand, but she restrained me with an undeniable strength. “Eren. Please.”
The desperation in her voice forced my nod before I had even realized what I was agreeing to.
And then she was gone.
I jolted upright in bed with my hand pressed tightly to my throat, as if that would somehow muffle the scream that had already escaped my lips. My pulse was erratic against my thumb, and I held my hand in its place until I finally felt my heart returning to its normal beat.
At least that’s what I told myself.
Honestly, it was just reassuring to know that I still had a heart beating away in my chest. It meant that I was alive, even when I felt anything but.
I peeled the sheet from my chest; disgusted by the way the damp material clung to my sweat-soaked skin. Staring at the wet stains warping the fabric into dark crinkled creases, I realized that I would have to wash these now. It was the third time this week that I had woken up this way, and the habit was beginning to take its toll on my sheets.
Gripping the fabric tight, I rolled out of bed and took the sheet along with me. I could, at the very least, leave it in the laundry bin until I got home, where it would still be waiting when I did. I couldn’t expect my mother to clean it for me, because that would involve her leaving the bedroom. I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time I had seen her face, or even heard her voice. The most I received from her was a nod when I poked my head into her room to see if she was still alive.
She had given up caring, and so had I.
My father had been gone for almost as long as Mikasa, who he followed only days after her disappearance. He sent money for the bills, but it wasn’t needed. Mom had saved up a delicate nest egg of cash in the few years that she had worked, and her parents left her a with sizeable sum after their passing. I received a phone call once in a blue moon to update me on dad’s whereabouts. Even after three months, he still hadn’t been able to find Mikasa. I was starting to give up the hope that he ever would.
We moved into Trost Tower a month after Mikasa left, selling off the old house so that dad would have extra money on the road. Even in this city, surrounded by countless buildings, Trost was a sight to behold. It was a colossal structure, with colored navy glass that made it glitter like a sapphire in the right light. The design was curved towards the bottom, as if someone had tacked a serif font onto the letter l.
I had admired the building from afar when we visited the city, but I despised it now. I wanted to be in my old home, with my old bed and my old life. Trost represented new beginnings, and I hated it for that.
A loud beeping informed me that it was officially time to get up, and I smacked the alarm on my way past. A quick shower would be all that I could handle today, and I had decided before even seeing my comb that I didn’t give a damn what my hair looked like. It was always a mess by the end of the day; I never could seem to keep my hands out of it, especially when I was feeling stressed.
I was vaguely aware of the blue jeans and beige shirt combo that I had managed to throw together in the brief trip to my closet. I took a moment to pray that none of my teachers were planning to give a test, which I would undoubtedly fail if they did. I was walking in a haze today. Hell, I was walking in a haze every day.
I paused at my mother’s room on the way to the front door and gave a small knock. There was no answer, but there never was. Cracking the door open, I poked my head in. She was sitting on the bed with her back to me, hunched over like a vulture. “Mom, I’m going to school.”
Her head turned almost imperceptibly to the right and she moved it once, up and down. That was all I could hope to get from her. An acknowledgement that she heard me, or perhaps just an acknowledgement that she was still alive. Could have fooled me.
I stepped onto the elevator and punched the button for the ground floor. Although the view was one to be envied, we were on one of the highest floors and the ride down took longer than I would like. I busied myself with my phone, typing out a quick message to Armin that I was on my way.
The doors opened up to a gaggle of women who had just finished their morning workout in the downstairs’ gym. I ducked to the side to let them in, desperate to avoid their giggling conversation.
“Did you see those abs?”
“Uhm, yes? Please, as if you could miss them. Oh, he was so hot! Let’s go back.”
“Maybe after I get a shower. I don’t want to be all sweaty.”
I rolled my eyes. Wasn’t that the point of a gym?
Armin was waiting outside on the curb next to the parking space he had managed to snag. He looked up from his phone as I approached, and dropped the cell back into his pocket, “Eren, are you feeling alright? You don’t look so good.”
“Great to see you, too, Armin.” I tried to feign annoyance at the lousy greeting, although all I really wanted to do was to get him to change the subject. It didn’t work.
“I’m sorry, Eren, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. You just look tired,” the concern in his voice made my stomach turn. “Are you sure you want to go in today? I’m sure Mr. Botli will let you make up the test.”
So there was a test today.
I wanted to curse the heavens, but I was pretty sure they would just piss on me for it.
“I’m fine, alright?” Armin knew the snap in my tone well enough to drop the subject after that.
I got into the passenger seat of Armin’s car, dropped my head back into the headrest, and shut my eyes. However, after a minute of motionless, I opened one eye and shot a glance at Armin, “What gives?”
“Your seatbelt.” He prompted, as he always did when I got in the car. I probably should have remembered at this point, but I didn’t deem the habit important enough to learn.
“Right,” I muttered, clicking the metal into place. I hated seatbelts, no matter what level of safety they offered; I felt confined. I would rather take my chances with Armin’s driving skills and the choices of other drivers than sit with a strap against my chest, but I knew that Armin wouldn’t drive until I was buckled in.
We drove in silence for most of the trip, and I would have preferred it to stay that way for the entire drive to school. There was something gnawing at Armin; I could tell by the way he kept looking over at me, his expression anxious. A small part of me wanted to remain silent until he finally got the courage to speak, but the rest of me was too pissed off to wait, “What? What is it?”
“The internship meeting is tomorrow,” he blurted the words out so quickly I almost didn’t catch them. Even when I realized what he said, it made no sense.
“What internship meeting?”
“You know, the one for Survey Corp.,” he paused, as if waiting for me to give some kind of sign that I knew where he was going with this. I didn’t. “We talked about this two months ago. We were going to sign up for it, remember?”
“I remember saying that I wasn’t going to sign up for it, yea,” I snapped.
The conversation had come too soon after Mikasa’s disappearance. Armin, also grieving over the loss of his childhood friend, had tried to get me involved in something, anything, that would take my mind off of the fact that she had left me. I had to give him credit, he was a great friend and the only real friend I had after Mikasa had gone. It had always been the three of us, and he and I were still struggling to make do with the fact that our trio had now reduced to two.
Still, despite his best efforts, I had refused to sign up for the Survey Corporation internship. He had called it the chance of a lifetime, but I wasn’t interested in anything that had to do with my future. I wasn’t thinking about college; I wasn’t thinking about anything. I wanted to get through each day, and that was the only goal that I had set for myself. Seeing as how I was still alive, I figured I was doing well enough.
“Well,” Armin started, and the hesitation in his voice had me tense in my seat.
I slowly turned my head to stare at him, and did so until he shot a nervous look my way. Fuck.
“You didn’t.”
Of course he did.
“It’s the chance of a life time, Eren,” his voice was pleading with me, but I didn’t want to hear any of it.
“You signed me up?” My voice was rising faster than I wanted it to, and so was my anger, “I told you I didn’t want to, and you signed me up anyway? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“I know you’re upset, you have every right to be,” his voice was rushed but for the most part calm, as if he had anticipated my reaction. Knowing him, he probably had. “But this is a great opportunity. You need to think about your future. You need to move on.”
“I don’t need to move on from anything.” We were rolling up to Shinganshina High and my hand was already gripping the door handle. I had to get out of this car.
“She’s not coming back, Eren.”
I opened the door as Armin was pulling into his parking space. He hit the brake with a startled cry, and my door missed Jean’s heartbreakingly beautiful Porsche by mere inches.
I couldn’t make myself care.
I flung the seatbelt off like it had offended me in some way, which it had, and got out of the car. I didn’t stop when Armin called my name. I couldn’t look at him right now; I couldn’t stand to hear the sound of his voice, even as it repeated in my head like some sickening mantra.
She’s not coming back, Eren.
She’s not coming back.
She’s not coming back.
I failed the test, and I was okay with that. It was good to have at least one thing in my life that I knew with absolute certainty. Even if it meant my grade would sink that much further, I found some kind of solace in the fact that I could choose to fail. It was one of the only things I could control.
I walked through the lunch line with nothing but a bottle of water, and I couldn’t even guarantee that I would be able to keep that much down. My stomach was apparently practicing for the Olympic gymnast competition, and it was pulling all gold.
I blamed Armin for the anger raging inside me because I had nowhere else to direct it. I hated him for signing me up for that crappy internship in some stuffy office. I hated him for trying. I wanted him to give up, like everyone else had. Like I had.
“What the fuck is your problem?”
My head snapped towards the voice and found the asshole that it belonged to. Jean Kirschtein. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” he snapped, “What is your fucking problem?”
“I’m not in the mood, Jean,” I would have loved to hit him. Really, I would. “Get out of my way.”
“Not until you explain why my boyfriend is practically in tears,” he said, effectively reminding me of why I couldn’t just beat his ugly horse face in. He was Armin’s boyfriend, a fact that I had to drill into my head each and every day. What the hell had Armin been thinking?
“You know damn well why,” I retorted, and my eyes took a brief instant to search the cafeteria for Armin’s face. Nowhere to be seen. “He signed me up for that stupid internship.”
“So?”
“So, I didn’t want to sign up for that shit! I told him that two months ago. It’s not my fault he didn’t hear me.”
“Oh, he heard you. You’re too loud for anyone not to hear you,” he said, letting me in on the fact that I had been yelling. I tried to ignore the stares that were turning in our direction. “He just cares about you too much to let you waste away. He wants to help you do something with your life. Can’t you see that? He wants you to give a damn.”
“He should worry about himself. He’s not my fucking family.” Even as I said this, I knew the words weren’t true. By the look on Jean’s face, he knew the same. There was no anger in his expression, just pity. I hated that even more.
“Look, Eren,” he said through a sigh, “We all miss Mikasa. We’re all upset about it. But you can’t just let everything pass you by. If she’s gonna come back, then she’ll come back. Don’t throw your life away waiting.”
“This isn’t about Mikasa!” Another lie.
“Bullshit.”
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as anger boiled in my belly. How was it any of his business? What the hell did he know? Not that he wasn’t right on the money, of course, but I would never admit that to him or anyone.
“Just stay out of this, Jean,” I said as I started to walk past him.
He stopped me by grabbing my arm, and I wondered somewhere in the back of my mind if he knew how stupid of a mistake that was. The look on his face told me that he didn’t care.
“You’ve always been a fucking asshole, even before Mikasa left. I know we don’t get along, and I don’t care if we do.” Jean took a breath and released my arm. It took all I had not to swing at him. “But I do care about Armin, and I’m not going to sit here and watch him cry over you. I get that you’re hurting, all right? I get that. But he’s hurting, too, and you have been nothing but an asshole to him since the day she left. I’m tired of picking up the broken pieces of him every day. So you better get your act together, Jaeger, or stay the fuck away from him. Either way, I’m done seeing him hurt.”
I really was a fucking asshole, wasn’t I?
I stood there in stubborn, stony silence, but it wasn’t necessarily by choice. What could I really say to that? I had used Armin for everything since the day she left; both for comfort and as an emotional punching bag. I had no excuses to cover my ass this time. I hated to admit it, I really did, but Jean was right.
“Fine, whatever,” I shoved a hand through my hair and avoided looking at Jean. “Whatever, okay? I’ll go to the stupid internship. If he wants it that bad, then fine. Whatever. Whatever.”
“Say whatever again.”
The teasing lilt in Jean’s voice did nothing good for my mood. I shot him a pointed glare, cracked the lid on my water, and chugged half its contents into my empty stomach.
“Come on, Jaeger,” Jean said and slapped me on the back. I had to choke down the water before it spluttered out of my mouth. “Armin’s waiting in Miss. Hill’s classroom.”
Miss. Hill was a gullible young teacher who just happened to have the world’s comfiest couch. Jean had made a habit of flirting his way into the room during lunchtime hours, and I was baffled by the fact that Miss. Hill still hadn’t caught onto the fact that he and Armin were more than a little cozy together. Whether she was aware of Jean’s preferences or not, we had all benefited from the arrangement as half of second period’s English congregated there on a daily basis.
“Yo, Eren!” Connie held up his hand in greeting when I walked into the room with Jean. “Didn’t think you were gonna show today.”
“Did you bring food?” Sasha questioned from her perched position on the couch’s armrest. Her eyes were already scanning me for any hint of a crumb.
“You already ate, Sasha!” Connie’s voice was far more incredulous than it should have been. Sasha’s insatiable appetite was practically the school mascot.
Watch out, Sina Titans. We have the Shinganshina Stomach.
“I know, but I’m still hungry,” Sasha sighed, her shoulders sagging a little as she moped.
“You’re always hungry,” I muttered, folding my arms. It was the first thing I had said since entering the room, and I tried to ignore the hopeful look in Armin’s eyes when he looked up at me.
“Hey.”
I hated the uncertainty in his voice. I knew he was waiting for me to go off on him again. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I would to be able to stay calm, but I was going to try.
“I’m still pissed off at you.” Oh my god, I sucked. I couldn’t even manage a hello.
“Yea, I know you are,” he said with a small, shy smile. He was still walking on eggshells, but I could see he had more confidence now. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“
“No, you should have,” I interrupted him with words I didn’t believe. “This is good for me. I need this.”
No, I didn’t. I needed to crawl into a hole and die, but that was never going to be an option. Besides, I wasn’t the sulking type. I was far more likely to scream, yell, and throw a fit, just as I had been for months now. In truth, all I wanted to do was track Mikasa down and kick her ass for walking out.
“Really?” The smile that brightened Armin’s face made me want to believe the words I had said. In that moment, I could see why Jean had fallen for him so quickly. Armin was my daily reminder that I had no idea what was going on in my pants.
“Really,” I said, and it took all of my efforts to keep my voice optimistic. “So the internship meeting is tomorrow. Where at?”
“It’s just a general meeting in the cafeteria,” Armin’s voice was chipper now, “Just to go over the basics of the internship. We’ll be going to Survey Corp. a few days after that. They’re going to give us the exact date tomorrow.”
“Sound great.” The hell it did. “I’ll be there.” Dragged, kicking and screaming.
What the hell had I gotten myself into?
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come up?” Armin had his hand on his keys, ready to pull them from the ignition as I got out of the car.
“Nah,” I waved my hand dismissively, “I’ve got a lot of homework to catch up on and I want to veg for a bit before that. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”
In truth, I just wanted to lock myself away in my room for the night and attempt to figure out how my life had turned out this way. I didn’t need the person responsible for the change sitting there in my living room.
“Alright,” Armin’s tone told me he was more than a little suspicious. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t do homework. “Listen, I have my cell on me if you need to talk.”
“Armin,” I started, but that was all I had to say. Telling him to drop the subject wouldn’t be necessary.
“Make sure you wear something nice tomorrow,” he quickly changed the subject before rolling up his window. The look he gave me was probably unintentional, but I suddenly felt self-conscious about my clothes.
I watched him pull off into traffic and then turned to enter the building. There was a black limo idling on the curb, but I didn’t give it much thought. Trost Tower housed more than a few elites and it wasn’t uncommon to see limos and expensive town cars coming and going.
I threw my bag into the corner as I entered my bedroom and flopped face first down onto my bed. A loud groan escaped my chest as every ounce of anger I had bottled up today was released. I felt like someone had popped a cork on a bottle of poison and I was drowning in some vile liquid.
Speaking of which, I was starving.
After much negotiation, my stomach managed to convince my legs that some kind of movement had to happen. I dragged myself into the kitchen, scratching the back of my head along the way. I had skipped both breakfast and lunch, and the lack of food was finally taking its toll on my body. It had made me irritable, which I usually was regardless, but the dizziness was an unwelcomed side effect.
I could feel my stomach rumbling in excitement. I opened the fridge. I was going to have some…
I searched the shelves. Some…
“Some nothing,” I muttered, my brow furrowed in confusion. When was the last time we had gone shopping for food?
Slamming the fridge door shut, I walked to the front door. Like hell I was going to get into an argument with my mom over this now. The sun was already starting to set and I didn’t have the energy to yell. I just wanted food.
I repeatedly smashed my finger against the upside down triangle as I stared impatiently at the elevator doors. In a foodless haze, I was convinced that abusing the button would send the doors flying open. With any luck, doughnuts would pour out when they did.
With a pleasant ding that made me want to shoot it, the elevator opened its doors.
“Finally!” The word was nothing but a frustrated growl as I walked onto the elevator. “About fucking t-“
I stumbled, and barely managed to keep myself upright.
The person standing in the elevator was short, but undoubtedly male. He had a body that most girls would kill for; a slender build with nothing but perfect muscle definition. He didn’t have the curves of a woman, nor would I ever have described him as too skinny. His body looked as if it had been carefully thought out and then chiseled from stone by some Renaissance sculptor.
I could see the lines of his abs through the tight material of his black shirt, and it wasn’t until he cleared his throat that I realized I was still standing awkwardly in the elevator doors.
I looked up, and my mind went blank.
His black hair was parted down the middle and didn’t stop until it reached his shoulders. I had to remind myself that he was a man, which should have been obvious by his angular features. I had seen men with long hair before, but I had never seen any that made me outright question my sexual preference.
His steel blue eyes narrowed. He was wearing black eyeliner, and somehow that just wasn’t fair.
“What are you staring at? Get in.” His voice was sharp on the command, and I felt it like a jolt of electricity through my body. I stepped onto the elevator before I had even realized I obeyed the command.
The doors chimed happily once more as they finally shut, and the sound woke me from my haze.
“Sorry,” I muttered, and leaned into the corner furthest from the man. The button for the ground floor was already lit.
“Is it a habit?”
I looked up at the question, confused, “What?”
“Staring at people,” he explained, regarding at me with a passive expression that told me he wasn’t actually interested in the answer. “It’s creepy.”
“I wasn’t staring,” my voice was defensive despite the fact that I knew what I said was a complete lie.
“Sure, kid.”
His patronizing tone pissed me off almost as much as the word ‘kid’ did. Almost.
“Whatever. Am I not supposed to stare at what you’re wearing?”
He looked down at his own body, and I saw the corner of his mouth lift just slightly. He was wearing a piece of tight black fabric that couldn’t legally be called a shirt and leather pants that clung to his hips in a way that was by all means criminal. There were boots on his feet and his nails were painted black. If I had to guess, he was some lowlife thug that had wandered in from the streets. But if that was the case, what was he doing on the top floors of Trost Tower?
“Do you live here?” The question was out of my mouth before I could catch it.
The look in his eyes told me he wasn’t sure whether I was smartass or just stupid. After a beat, he seemed to decide on the latter, “Smart as a whip, aren’t you, kid?”
I tried not to grimace when I heard the word.
“I sure hope that’s not how you try to pick up girls,” he continued, and I could almost hear the amusement coloring his voice. I didn’t look up to see if emotion was mirrored in his eyes. “Do you always state the obvious?”
“You could be visiting,” I offered. After a few moments of silence, I looked up to meet his incredulous stare.
“On the top floor?” The condescending tone in his voice made me want to dig a hole and take the express route down. “Do I look like some high class hooker?”
“Not high class, no.” Goodbye, brain. You’ve officially become useless.
The glare he fixed on me could have froze Hell and sent the Devil skating for his life. I didn’t know how such a short person could make me feel so small, but he managed to do so in that one look.
The elevator chimed. I was ready to bolt out the doors the second the gap was big enough, but he caught me before I could. He put a hand against the panel and his fingers curled around it to keep the door from closing. I was waiting for him to hit me; beyond certain that was where this was going.
But I never was good at knowing how things were going to turn out.
“I’m not a hooker, kid.” The word stung more than it should. “But if I was…”
He leaned into me then, and I felt the air rush out of my lungs. His lips brushed against the lobe of my ear, and suddenly I didn’t know my name anymore. I didn’t know anything anymore.
“If I was,” he repeated in a deep, husky voice that turned my insides into jelly, “You could never afford me.”
The elevator doors were closed before I realized he had gone.
Suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore.