Chapter Text
Black Out: It's My Clean Slate
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It's Saturday 11:45 PM -- 15 minutes until my 21st birthday, and I'm curled up in the corner of the dark bathroom stall in our touring trailer, right in between the toilet seat and the sink cabinet. I scrunch up my nose as it touches the tip of the toilet paper roll that's right in front of me. I feel a tear roll down to the tip of my nose, as it soaks right into the paper scroll. My cheeks are burning red from embarrassment. How did I get here? It's like my body automatically found this place. Probably because it's really the only time of privacy I have when on tour. Even when it's to sleep, I have to bunk with everyone else. Maybe that's why it felt the stall as a safe haven, as the only room that can be locked and isolated. "Fuck...!" My heart aches. "Amber, you're a fucking idiot." I say to myself under my breath.
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service
Just about 4 months ago at around this same time, I was in Los Angeles, California lounging in my room. I was lying on my bed and listening to one of my favorite songs at the time. I started day dreaming about singing and dancing it on a stage to a crowd full of lovers.
"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned." I sang softly under my breath. The Postal Service and their awesomeness, seriously. 'Such Great Heights' was on repeat on my laptop, and my eyes were shut close out of pure bliss. The only light in my room was my Lilo and Stitch night lamp, so the room was dim and chill. I am so glad I bought that Glades Pineapple air freshener thingy, too. Ahh, my room is hella nice to be in. Especially right after a shower, when I can just unapologetically chill in boxers and a tank top, feeling oh so fresh and clean; my still wet black bangs resting over my eyebrows felt so cold, in a good way. I took a deep breath in and out, as I lied on my back with my arms spread out... feeling myself drifting into sleep...
Floating on a cloud...
Our cerulean sky...
"Hey Jo, have you seen the razor? I need to shave my legs, like ASAP." Jackie asked while busting in through my door, so nonchalantly.
"Jackie, seriously? You can't knock first?" I asked with a cranky tone, disrupted from my almost sleep state.
"Did I wake you up?" she asked, feeling sorry.
"Well... no. Not really, it's fine." I said, as I moved towards one of my drawers to fetch for the razor. "What are you doing shaving your legs so late, anyway?" I asked.
"I'm going to the beach early in the morning with Esteban and some friends. I've been busy being excited all day that I totally forgot to shave." she explained.
"You're still seeing that Hispanic guy?" I asked surprised.
"Uhh yeah? Why?"
"I don't know... didn't you say you two had a sucky first date?"
"Well, yeah... but it was mostly my fault. I'm actually surprised he called me back. I was such a nervous wreck, I could barely keep a conversation." she said, with an embarrassed giggle.
"Ew, you're all bubbly happy about it. Wellp! Good luck, sis." I teasingly said, as I handed her the razor and started to close my door.
She held the door lightly before I could finish closing it and asked, "Amber, are you nervous?"
"About the auditions tomorrow?" I was slightly caught off guard by the question. "A little... but I know I'm awesome so I'll be fine." I continued, quickly recovering with my typical cocky humor and dorky grin.
"Cocky much? Don't stay up late, Llama." she teasingly said, after she slightly rolled her eyes at my response.
"Confident, not cocky. And I was working on it right before you busted through my door all cray-cray. Night dork." I said as I closed the door.
That was my older sister Jackie. She calls me 'Jo' when she wants to be sweet or needs anything from me, which is short for my middle name, Josephine. Then she calls me 'Llama' when she wants to tease me, since she says my face looks like a Llama, and so it's just been a non-stop joke ever since it came up. She's three years older than me, she's all sorts of awesome, and the only one that knows about my... secret, I guess. Also, the only one who never judges me about it or thinks it wrong that I sing in the church choir regardless. Well, not that anyone else judges me since no one else really knows, but they judge it indirectly, which still hurts like hell. Jackie never saw it wrong when I told her that I've felt this way since I can remember. She never saw it wrong when I fell in love with Soyeon in my Senior year of highschool. She never saw it wrong that I dated her for that whole year. She never saw it wrong when I told her that me and Soyeon lost our virginity to each other, and she never saw it wrong when I cried her in silence after the accident.
The accident.
It wasn't anything fancy. It wasn't anything dramatic. It wasn't a car crash, a plane crash, a terminal illness, it wasn't even an accident. I just prefer to call it accident, but it was a mistake. Though mistakes could also be accidents, and if she were alive right now, she'd regret it.
Mistakes are to be regretted.
But I don't regret loving her. Not one bit. Fuck it. Who am I kidding, right? Of course I do... sometimes. Loving her -- loving each other -- I wouldn't categorize it as a complete mistake. But either way, Jackie never saw it wrong. She still doesn't, and it feels great that at least she knows. God knows what will happen if my mom ever finds out. I don't think she'll disown me, but probably Bible thump me to death -- well, who knows? With her temper... My dad -- well, he left us before I was born. So, I don't really remember him at all. Mom never talks about him either, she just curses him a lot when she's hella angry, which I find amusing. I'm telling you, the poor bastard must have such a shitty life right now from all of the times my mom's cursed him. Well dad, tomorrow I might start having an awesome life. I'm on my way to the I & M Entertainment World Auditions. I'm going to sing and dance my way into my dream, even if it's not to the Postal Service, but as long as it's on a stage, I'll be hella happy.
"Beat It" - Michael Jackson
"Amber Josephine Liu?" one of the staff girls called my name. It was finally my turn to audition. My palms were fucking sweating so much, and my throat was so dry. I might have practiced those MJ moves so many times this past week, but at this very moment, my body felt so stiff.
"Okay Amber, relax... breathe..." I said to myself under my breath. "Yes? That's me." I enthusiastically responded to the staff.
"Alright kid, you're next! Good luck!" she responded with a smile of encouragement, no different from how she'd told every other person sitting in that room before me.
I stepped into the empty auditorium and onto the empty stage, where but only a line of five judges sat staring right at me from across. I could hear my breathing echoing throughout the giant-like room. That's how it was for me, everything was a giant, and I was nothing but a termite.
"Get a grip you fucking pussy, you were born for this." I said to myself under my breath.
"Excuse me?" asked one of the judges.
I cleared my throat. "Hi! I'm Amber Liu and I'm..."
"Amber JOSEPHINE Liu, correct?" the judge interrupted.
"Uhh yeah... yeah! Josephine is my middle name. But I'd rather just go by Amber Liu."
"Okay 'Amber Liu ', what are you doing for us today?"
"I'm going to do an interpretation of 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson." I responded.
"And you are from L.A., correct?" he asked while skimming through my profile papers.
"Yes sir, born and raised, Taiwanese decent."
"And what brings you here today?" he asked as he began to look up towards me.
"I want to become a performer. I love all kinds of music, but mostly alternative rock, ccm and some hip-hop. So, I want to be able to perform the music I love for a living, ya' know? Be part of something big, to somehow make an impact on people with my music -- that's my dream".
"Alright then. Let's see you impact us, Amber. Queue music." he said as he placed my profile papers away, and adjusted his seat.
Man, as soon as I heard that beat, all that tension just vanished into thin air. My body was moving solo. I couldn't even help it. It's almost as if music had a life of its own inside of me. I destroyed that chorus vocally and movement wise. If that didn't impress them, I didn't know what would.
"Absolutely impressive moves, Liu." said one of the judges.
"Very deep and pure vocals, as well." said another judge.
"Thank you, thank you so much." I humbly responded.
"You could use a little more work on those high notes, but I see something there somewhere, even if not as a main vocalist, which is what I know you're mainly trying out for. Once we make a decision, we will definitely get in contact with you with your results, Miss Liu." said another judge.
"Yes sir, and thank you so for your time. You all have a great day." I responded as I tried to hide my excitement, and as I began to leave the stage to walk back out towards the waiting area. While walking towards the exit door, I was saying goodbye to the staff and wishing luck to the rest of the contestants. Suddenly, out of freaking nowhere, I get harshly shoved by someone rushing into the waiting room.
"Ow...! Oh my god, I am so...! I am so sorry, I didn't even see you... are you okay?" she asked, worried and out of breath.
"Yeah... ow..." I said with a faint laugh, as I composed myself and fake rubbed my shoulder. I was actually fine, just surprised. "...I'm fine, are you okay?" I asked.
"I am so sorry, I'm just late for my audition and I think I'm next, and I'm getting called at 2:30 PM and I think that..." she hastily explained as she completely avoided my question, and while being absolutely still out of breath from running.
"Krystal Jung?" a staff girl called out.
"Oh my god! That's me!" she squealed with a mixture of excitement, relief and fear maybe? As she rushed inside, completely forgetting about our just almost conversation.
I paused for a second, I smiled. "What a cutie." I said to myself, and then I heard it again...
"Alright kid, you're next! Good luck!"
I walked out the exit door and made my way to my car to head back home. Time to wait. Time to expect -- man, expect what? I'm so getting that call. I wonder if Jackie had a good time at the beach today. I should call her ass and tell her about how I killed it at my audition. She'll probably just call me cocky again. But hey! If you owned, you owned.
"What do you want, Llama?" Jackie answered the phone.
"Yo, you busy?"
"Umm... sort of? Not really?" she said with a light laugh. "Oh yeah! How'd it go?" she asked.
"Uhh... oookay? What was that about?" I asked, referencing her light and awkward laughter.
She laughed a littler harder and said, "Nothing, nothing, seriously. Just... Esteban being adorable. So... how'd it go?"
"Okay yeah, never mind. Definitely don't think I wanna know." I said with a light chuckle. "Anyway, it went freakin' awesome, exactly like I said it'd go." I responded with a triumphant voice. "When are you getting home? That way I can tell you more about it." I asked. She still sounded distracted.
"Not anytime soon. We're still at the beach, about to have lunch." she responded.
"Oh..." I said, a little disappointed.
"Why don't you drive by, and come eat lunch with us?" she suggested.
"Umm well -- see, I would, but I kinda already told mom this morning that I'd join her for lunch when I got back. I thought you would be there, too. She's been alone all Sunday. I don't wanna bail on her, you know?" I said.
"Oh... yeah, I guess you're right. Well, just tell me more about it tonight?" she said, trying to compromise, and feeling a little guilty.
"Yeah, that's cool. Just have some fun, you rarely do. Are you feeling more relaxed around Esteban?" I asked, trying to reassure her that she didn't have to feel guilty.
"Umm, yeah I think so." she said with a shy giggle.
"You are hopeless." I teasingly said. "Alright, I'll see you later tonight."
"Alright Llama, be good." she said.
"Of course! I always am. I'm always a good Llama."
Well, she sounds happy. I'm kinda jealous, to be honest. I miss that: the butterflies, the smirks, her eyes, the high... I miss that feeling, but I kinda loathe it at the same time. Whenever something feels way too good, there's always a price to it, at least in my experience -- well, the little that I have. I lowered my car windows as I cruised down the waterfront on my way home. I stuck out my hand and made it ride the wind -- you know, kinda like flipper riding the waves? Up and down, up and down, up and down. I took a deep breath in, and let it out. It's 'cause it felt too good... Is that why it had to happen? Is that why you had to go? I turn around to the passenger seat, and I see her there, shoving it in my face... "I told you the CR-Z would be better than the Civic, didn't I?" she had said, laughing and sticking her tongue out at me, then taking my hand in hers and planting a kiss right in the center of my palm. It is better. Way better. We got it painted together too, her favorite color: cerulean, like the sky. Stopping at a red light, I look back to the passenger seat, and she's not there anymore. I feel the blank stare on my face. For a second, it was almost as if my heart stopped, like -- when she's not on my mind, I'm perfectly fine, but when she is... I die. Suddenly a raid of L.A. horns drowned all of my thoughts. I look up, and the light is green. Just a couple of more blocks away from home, but when these thoughts catch my mind, I sometimes wish I'd never get there.
I parked the car into the garage, finally home. As I began to bring up my windows, the scent of mom's cooking hits me like a boulder. "Mmmm. Is that koe-á-bah?" I ask myself, as I lick my lower lip. I can almost taste it: steamed minced pork with Taiwanese style pickled cucumbers. I feel my stomach rumble, as if it was trying to speak to agree with me. Why my sister would exchange mom's cooking for a few more hours with Esteban at the beach, is beyond me. I mean, I get it, she's in love or whatever, but damn does that smell good. I walk into the kitchen to find my mom moving about around the stove, singing to herself. I smile as I place my keys on the table.
"Mah?" I ask coyly to get her attention, and she turns around slightly startled.
"Oh, hey! I didn't even feel you. You sure you went to that audition, and not just some super secret ninja society meeting?" she teasing asked me with a light laugh, as she washed and dried up her hands hastily. She walked over to me with a rushed smile, placed one of her hands behind my head to pull me in, and kissed my forehead.
"Maaah..." I whined. "Is that koe-á-bah?" my eyes shined brightly with curiosity.
"You smelled it didn't you?" she asked with a smirk, then quickly looked around the room. "Where's your sister?" she asked, as she looked back at me with a bit of confusion.
"Yeah, I dunno. She wanted to have lunch at the beach. Guess just more pork for me, right?" I said quickly and with an evil chuckle, as I walked over to the kitchen sink to wash my hands. Mom went back to attending the stove.
"Well, she didn't even call." she said with disappointment. "Is she with that Mexican boy?"
"Mah, he's not Mexican. He's Peruvian..."
"Oh, you know what I mean."
"... and yes, she's with him and some other friends." I responded, as I dried my hands and made my way to the table.
"Well, at least he's a nice Adventist boy."
"... Yeah." I agreed and I felt a tight knot right in my throat as I sat at the table. I hate it when she makes comments like that. What does it matter if he's Adventist or not?
"Guess it's just you and me, then?" she asked with a smile, as she brought the food, milk tea and two glasses with ice to the table.
"Yeahp." I responded. "See mom? I'm the better daughter." I said jokingly.
"And also the daughter who needs to learn how to cook." she said, as she sat at the table.
"Oh come on, Mah. You know I don't like being in the kitchen." I responded as I began to serve myself.
"You should at least learn how to cook basic things like rice, Amber. You're going to need it one of these days, especially if you go off on your own."
"Mah, that's why they created instant microwavable rice."
"Oh, you know that thing isn't rice. Nothing instant is anything it says it is." she said with a small laugh.
"Says you." I responded jokingly.
"Yes, and I am the mother. Mothers know everything." she said as she poked my forehead.
"Mahh... that saying has gone old." I said, jokingly annoyed. We started eating. She still hadn't asked me how I did at my audition. I mean, I know she doesn't really approve of the idea, but I was at least expecting some interest.
"Old, just like my forever question to you -- when are you going to bring over a nice Adventist boy for lunch on one of these Sundays?" she asked with an incredibly cringe-worthy wink. It was a half joke question, and I still nearly choked on my piece of cucumber when I heard it.
"I'm pretty sure Jackie is closer to that than I am, Mah." I responded, trying to keep my joking face on, when on the inside I just wanted to run away from the table, and hide -- anything to avoid this conversation going any further. "So yeah, my audition went pretty sick." I said quickly, attempting to change the subject.
"Sick?" she wondered.
"Yeah, like... 'good', Mah. Get with the program." I joked, as I took my eyes off my food for a quick second to check her reaction.
"I'm happy for you." she responded, emotionless and eyes still fixated on her plate.
An awkward silence took over the dining room. I took a deep breath in and said, "Mah, I just don't understand. Why do you have a problem with me doing this? You know this is what makes me happy, you know this is what I want to do with my life. Why can't you just support me and encourage me like a normal mom would do?" I asked, as I gently laid my chop sticks down, stopped everything I was doing, and stared at her with a worried glare, a hopeful glare.
She also paused for a moment. She took one last bite. She chewed, and made sure to take her time doing it, too. I think she was trying to calm herself down before she lectured the crap out of me, making me beginning to regret my series of questions as I set there nervous, expectant and awkward. I honestly don't know where I get my docile temper from, because my mom is such a steam pipe. She took a sip of milk tea, paused again, turned to me and said, "Listen, Josephine..."
"Don't call me Josephine, Mah..." I interrupted with slight exasperation and with a click of my tongue, starting to get a bit upset because she very well knows I hate it when she uses my middle name. It was definitely an act of war on her part.
"Well that is your name." she said, beginning to slightly raise her voice. "Now you listen to me, because you asked, and now I'm going to answer you." she said in a stern voice. She had a firm look on her face. You could tell she was trying to not explode all over me, but I could see all of the flames dying to escape and spill from out of her eyes. "This is not a fairy tale, Josephine. I wish I could tell you to go on ahead, 'follow your heart', but we have to be realistic here. These things don't work out 99% of the time."
"Because you've totally done the math..." I murmured under my breath where she couldn't hear me, as I began to cross my arms and dodge her gaze.
"Once that happens, what is your backup plan? Oh wait, you don't have a backup plan because you decided to not go to college." she started to sound so condescending.
"Who said I wasn't gonna go?!" I interrupted, beginning to raise my voice as I raised my gaze at her, and becoming more upset.
"You are gambling on your future, Josephine, and I'm sorry but I will not support that. If I could just make you do everything I wanted you to do, I would, but you're an adult. So, I can't exactly do that now, can I? You should just be grateful that, regardless, I still love you, and give you a place to eat and sleep at no additional cost...!"
"That is such bu...!" I interrupted.
"Josephine! This conversation is over." she said, and she meant it.
Bullshit, I wanted to say.
I wanted to argue everything she said. I wanted to tell her that she didn't give me a roof and food, dad's child support did, up until very, very recently when I turned 18. I wanted to tell her that I did have a backup plan, that I was planning on signing up for online classes. So, I wasn't going to be 'gambling' my future. And most of all, I wanted to tell her... I wanted to tell her to have a little faith in me... but she didn't deserve to hear that. She didn't deserve to hear any of that. All she wants is a cookie-cutter daughter that wears pretty dresses, and goes to Med school. She wants me to have kids when I'm 30 -- oh and let's not forget who she wants the father to be: imaginary Dr. Lín, with a PhD in Chemical Engineering. A misogynist, narrow minded traditionalist, good guy Adventist, who will hate anything and everything abstract. I was so angry that I was so tempted to tell her how much I love vaginas, and how my life is not her dream, that it never was, and that it never will be... but I didn't. I swallowed it all like a big ginormous spoonful of gall. I lost appetite. I calmly got up from my chair, walked out of the dining room, and into my room. She didn't even try to stop me, and I didn't slam the door, I didn't even make a sound. I just quietly sat on my bed with my hands on my lap, and I stared down at my toes. Not a single tear. I always try to stop feeling when I feel too much. I always make an effort to not let anything escape, because I'm so afraid of pity... more so my own. I wonder what dad would have thought if he were here. I wonder if he'd let my life be my own dream. I wonder why he left. I wonder if he loved me.
The week had just begun anew. It was only but Monday, and my anxieties already started to kick in. I constantly checked and rechecked my phone wanting to make sure that the ringer was always on high. Also, making sure my battery never died, and that I always knew where my phone was. At. All. Times.
"So I heard about your little argument with mom yesterday." said Jackie, as she walked into the kitchen while I was eating my bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. "Morning, Llama." she continued to say right after, as she made her way to the fridge.
"Sup..." I responded, trying to avoid the first topic.
"Llama! You ate all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch!" she said with a whinny voice.
"I just figured you'd be good since you had a whole piece of Esteban yesterday." I teased her as I chuckled.
"Ha. Ha." she sarcastically responded. "Whatever, so what happened yesterday?"
"Nothing, really. It's cool." I responded.
"Uh huh..." she said in disbelief. She paused for a second and then said, "You know, I don't know why you even bother with her. You're going to get called, and getting the fuck out of here anyway." I sighed, and looked at my phone again right on queue as Jackie brought it up. "Oh my god, Jo, stop being such a drama queen. The day just started. Be patient." Jackie continued, already noticing my anxieties about the audition results.
"Yeah, Jackie... I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to not care about the fact that she doesn't care, but I can't help it." I said with a soft sigh, as I placed the phone back down onto the table trying to heed her advice.
"She does care, she just doesn't agree with it, Jo." she corrected me, as she sat down right across from me on the table with a bowl of Cheerios.
"You don't have classes today?" I asked her.
"I do, but they're after four o clock." she responded.
"Mom's not gonna get back home from work until after five. So, If you want you can take my car. I'm not going anywhere today." I offered.
"Thanks, but no thanks." she said with a huge grin.
"Let me guess, Esteban..."
"YEP!" she interrupted me with a huge and happy squeal. "He's taking me to classes today, and picking me up right after to go to the movies."
I stared at her with a smirk and then said, "You two are corny as fuck."
"Someone's jellieeeee." she teasingly sang.
Suddenly my phone rang. It rang? Yes, it rang. An unknown number. Me and Jackie both stared at each other, as I nervously grabbed and held onto the phone without really knowing what to do. Jackie snatched it from my hand and answered it, putting it on speaker.
"Yes? Hello?" Jackie said.
"Ah, yes. May I speak to Amber Josephine Liu, please?" asked the person on the phone.
I snapped out of my mini coma as soon as I heard my middle name, "Amber Liu. Just Amber Liu." I corrected them to myself under my breath as I took the phone out of Jackie's hand to continue the conversation. "Yes, this is her speaking."
"I am contacting you to formerly congratulate you on your acceptance into I & M Enertainment." I froze, while Jackie screamed out of excitement in my ear. "It sounds like the support of a very happy family, miss Liu. You should be proud. We are very much looking forward to having you with us." he said family? I suppose. It does sometimes seem like my sister is my only family.
I laughed lightly and said, "Sorry about that sir, and I am definitely looking forward to being part of your company." Jackie piped down and started to listen attentively, as she smothered me more and more to get closer to the speakers on the phone.
"We have e-mailed you the details of the remainder of the process. Please review them in depth, as you wouldn't want to miss any specifications, especially of the flight."
"Yes sir, thank you so much" I responded, unable to erase the smile off my face. I couldn't even remember the rest of the conversation after that. I was instinctively responding to his comments. I was way too excited. I was way too thrilled. I mean... holy shit! Out of all those people... me?! How the freak? I mean... I didn't know what to say. By the time I came to myself, the conversation had already ended, and I was already off the phone.
"I am totally skipping class today." said Jackie, as she picked up her cell phone and started excitedly texting.
"Jackie, what about your plans with Esteban?"
"Pshh. I don't give two pickled fucks, we're totally going to celebrate this today. Me and Esteban can go to the movies some other time. I'm texting him right now." she said, very convinced.
"And you're definitely not skipping class."
"Relax, mother Amber. It's not like I'm going to not hang out with 'mi amor' at all, he's coming with us." she said with a witty smile.
"That's not what I was objecting to, but of course." I shook my head at her with a soft chuckle. "Now you can officially introduce me to him, you know... before I leave and make history." I jokingly said.
"Again, so full of yourself." she said as she closed her phone and lightly tapped me behind my head. She finished her bowl of cheerios, and as she began to walk towards her room she said, "So, I'm gonna go call Esteban and figure out how we're going to do everything later. Is there any specific place you wanted to go eat at to celebrate?" she asked.
"Umm no, not really... oh wait! I have an idea! Why don't we go to a Korean restaurant? I mean, after all, I am going to Korea." I said with a very accomplished smile.
"Yeah... that's actually not a bad idea, and I've never even had Korean. So, it'd be pretty cool to try it out with my favorite Llama."
"I know, I make everything so much more appetizing." I said, as I started to access my e-mail inbox on my phone.
"You know, you could say thank you, too, ya' know?" she said, teasing along. "Oh, and one more thing, could you please try to wear something a little bit more... girly -- err fashionable?" she asked, as she gave me one of her adorable puppy-eye faces.
"Sure, I can try. Not actually going to happen, but I will try." I said as I chuckled at my smart-assness. I don't even think she heard me. She was already in her room by the time I finished that sentence, or else she would have said some kind of upgraded smart-ass reply. Ha. I love her.
As I scrolled through my inbox, I could still feel all of the goosebumps on my skin. I had to pinch myself there for a second, because I really thought it was all some sort of dream. It was all just way too surreal. I mean, I was pretty confident about myself, but I never really planned out how I'd react if I actually did get picked. I didn't plan any of this. "Here it is..." I said to myself, as a huge smile hit my face. I opened the e-mail, and it had a lot of details about all the commodities we'd get as trainees. 'We' it read. Glad to know I won't be the only newbie. It also had the details about the flight. Apparently, I'll be heading to Seoul together with the other trainees on the sane flight.
"...Here is the contact information for your fellow trainee. Please become acquainted, as you will both be taking the same flight, and will be recruited for the same group. Good luck on your musical journey!
Best Regards,
I & M Entertainment "
Oh wow, just one more trainee. I had the feeling there'd be more. Holy fuck, this makes me even more nervous. Out of all the people, they only chose two, and I'm one of them. What kind of crazy expectations do they have of me? I honestly can't believe I'm this special.
Hmmm... Krystal Jung... why does that name sound so familiar? Guess I'll find out when I meet her next week. That's when my flight leaves. That's when I'll be leaving Cal. That's when I'll be leaving Jackie. I sighed and closed my cell phone. No use in feeling all nostalgic now. Better focus on what I want for lunch from that K restaurant. I should also call mom to let her kn -- nah. Not like she's gonna to give two fucks anyway. She'll probably just not be amused at all, and pretend like it's not even happening. I get that from her -- you know, shutting out my emotions, pretending like shit ain't happening while all the walls, the skies, the moon, the planets, all of heaven and hell just crash into me. We just both pretend like nothing is happening. So glad I didn't get her temper, though.
"Jackie?" I knocked on her bathroom door. "Jackie, where are we going before lunch, because I won't be hungry for a while." I could hear her turn off the water and open the curtains.
"What did you say? I couldn't hear you." she responded.
"I said, where are we going before lunch?"
"Oh, we're actually thinking about walking down the waterfront, and then probably head to City Walk. Esteban suggested some laser tag, because he's a freaking dork. He bring some of his friends."
"I like him already."
"Alrighty, Llama. Let me know when you're ready." She said, as she opened the door and walked to her bedroom wrapped in her towel.
"Yes, mon capitan." I said in a French accent and with a huge smile.
Packing is seriously exhausting. You have to mentally prioritize and organize everything in your head first, before you actually pack it. You never really think about these things on a day to day basis. Prior packing, freaking everything is priority. Everything is important, and everything needs to go with you. When it's time to pack, when you're faced with luggage with only limited amount of space, that's when you really find out what's most valuable to you. For example, I have found out that I'd rather take my Rubik's Cube collection with me, over bras.
"Hurry up, Llama. I'm the one taking you to the airport." said Jackie as she entered my room.
"Mom didn't take the day off, huh?" I asked. Jackie looked down at me with a slight frown, as if she wanted to find some way to excuse mom, but couldn't think of any, at all. There was no excuse. She was simply being a drama queen of a mom.
"... No but seriously, your plane leaves in like 5 hours and you need to be there at least 3 hours before you board your flight when it's an international flight." she continued.
"Yeah, I know... I just feel like the week went by so fast." I said as I folded up my hoodies into my luggage. "... Like, I don't get why we have to leave so fast..." I continued. The reality of leaving my family, my hometown... it all just came crashing down. I was so excited about realizing my dream that I completely forgot about the whole leaving part. You could hear the crack in my voice as I tried to hold back tears. My car. I'd be leaving that cerulean Honda -- my memory of Soyeon... "Take care of the Honda, okay? Promise?" I asked with slight desperation in my voice, as I looked up at Jackie. She saw the glistening in my eyes.
"Of course!" She replied with a huge smile, trying to change the turn around the sad atmosphere. "Now hurry your ass up. The airport is an hour from here, that's not including traffic". I looked down again while I continued to organize my clothes. I smiled and blinked to check for waterworks... satisfied at the fact that no tears were released, yet again.
"Oh shush your face. Not like I have a gold mine of clothes like you do." I replied to her, teasingly.
"Hey, people don't get teased for being fashionable. They get teased for being slow." she said, countering me.
"Pffft. Yeah, well... whatever." I said, without being able to come up with a comeback. I could hear her giggle in the background as she stepped out of my room. My smile grew wider.
"Done." I said to myself, as I threw my back on my bed and placed one of my pillows over my face. I took a deep breath in. I'm not going to smell this for a long time. That homey smell. That smell of home that gets embedded into all that you own. Hopefully, I'll learn to like the Seoul smell.
As Jackie and I arrived at the airport, we began to say our goodbyes in the car. She wouldn’t be able to stay until I checked out, since she had to go to class right after. She couldn't afford to miss this class again, especially after she already missed it due to our celebratory outing last week.
“So, this is it. Here we are.” She said, as she began to pull up in front of one of the gates.
“Yeahp…” I said, as I looked around. Everyone looked like they were in such a hurry. Except, while I was parting from my family, everyone else was reuniting with theirs. I was in a hurry to leave, while they were in a hurry to get back home. All of those out-of-state students who weren’t taking any summer classes, they all looked so happy to see their family again... and they were just in a different state. I’ll be in a whole different country, on a whole different hemisphere. I started to feel anxious again. I turned towards Jackie and started poking her repeatedly.
“Don’t start.” she said as she glared at me.
I chuckled and said, “Hush, I’m trying to get rid of anxiety by annoying you one last time.”
Once the car completely stopped, we both quickly looked at each other and began to get out of the car. She helped me place my luggage on the cart. We hugged. I choked on everything I wanted to say.
“Josephine…" I hear a familiar voice say. I turn around and there she is. My mom. She closes in on me and hugs me without even giving me a chance to move or react. My body automatically hugged her back. My eyes wide open still trying to process that she was actually here. Suddenly, I feel this warm wetness on one side of my neck and shoulder. She was crying.
“Wa gai ai li.” she whispered.
“I love you, too, Mah..." I replied, still choking on a billion sentences.
“You’ll be amazing.” she said. Those two words were all I needed to hear from her.
“Uhh guys? Yeah… umm glad you could make it, mom. Really, but umm I have to get to class.” Jackie said, as she smiled at us both.
"Then leave, dork. No one's stopping you." I jokingly replied as I turned towards her again.
"I gotta give you something first, Llama." she said. I turned back towards my mom. She smiled at me. I walked over towards Jackie as she reached something out from her pocket. A keychain. "Look, it's us. It's the picture Estaban took of us at the Korean restaurant last week." she said, as she handed it over to me with a huge grin. All I did was smile and hug her one last time. They both returned to their cars and waved.
"Don't forget to call us or shoot us an e-mail as soon as you get some wifi or as soon as you get there, okay?" said mom, as she pulled her car window back up. I nodded and waved back. I turned around with my luggage-full-cart looking towards the entrance gate. I gulped, took a deep breath, and walked through the doors.
"Excuse me, where's the check out desk for Seoul, South Korea?" I asked. Let the journey begin.