Chapter Text
If James had to pick a specific time when his feelings for Regulus began to appear, it would probably be September 1, 1970, although that would be pretty pathetic and probably wouldn't help his case with Sirius.
The problem with James has always been that it's so easy for him to get his hopes up and build expectations, eternally prone to letting his imagination run wild on a thousand scenarios at once. He was a lonely child, left to his own creativity as a source of entertainment and ultimately companionship.
The Potters, Euphemia and Fleamont, had married young and excited, eager to form a large family that would fill the breadth of Potter Manor like it wasn't seen in generations. But any dreams soon crashed to the ground as attempt after attempt left only painful results.
By the time James opened his eyes to the neatness of St. Mungo’s Hospital and shattered the ears of the healers, the Potters had been together for almost 20 years and, in a sense, with 20 years of love to gush out. But still, it was just James.
James, who would grow up surrounded by the love and devotion of his parents, but alone on the vast grounds of the mansion.
Only him to wreck ancient rugs, to paint Euphemia's beloved curtains, and trample Fleamont's manicured jasmine. Between the halls and warm rooms, it would just be James and his parents for company for a couple of years.
At the age of 6, James would meet Peter Pettigrew and Marlene McKinnon, his first friends.
In his young age, James had met very few children of his age and had never quite fit in with them, who used to see him as a loud and overly energetic child. However, Peter and Marlene would find in James one more adventure partner.
The McKinnon and Pettigrew families were related, causing Marlene and Peter to grow up as cousins. Peter, who could be quite a bit more reserved and fonder of quieter hobbies, knew how to deal with Marlene's bubbly and mischievous personality, so meeting James felt familiar.
The three children would be closely bonded for a time, with regular meetings at Potter Manor, and thus James would no longer be so alone.
But James was a naturally social person, he flourished in crowds, he thrived on attention. And so, he began to dream of Hogwarts, of meeting other children who could be his friends.
In all the sea of students, James hoped he could find those people that he would cherish and treasure, with whom he would make unbreakable and unique bonds. People he could get up to so much mischief with, play between the halls and create so many experiences that others would only envy.
It's not that Marlene and Peter weren't enough; it was just that for James he believed there could be more. That there was someone out there with whom he would click in an instant, a soulmate perhaps. A brother in everything but blood.
Meeting Sirius Black had never been on his list of 10 things to do on the first day of Hogwarts, but he supposed it somehow fit in with number 3: making the best friend in the world.
Of course, James knew who Sirius Black was if only by name.
The Potters were not the most acclaimed pureblood family in high social circles, but they were still influential in many ways, and as such James's parents had made sure to give him all the tools to fend off hypocritical vultures, and among them it was clearly an exceptional education.
James had of course hated all those etiquette and manners classes, finding them ridiculous and tedious, but he loved his parents and, above all, respected them, so he would take whatever those classes had to give.
On any other occasion he would have given the minimum courtesy expected of an heir, just enough not to be rude, but oh Merlin if life didn't give him the strongest battles of all. This wasn't just an ordinary pureblood child, this was Sirius Black heir to the Black family, which easily held half the seats in the Wizengamont with the way the family was related to almost all of wizarding Britain.
When he opened the car door and found Black's unmistakable features—black hair, silver eyes, pale skin—he knew he was screwed. Making use of all his seriousness James had presented himself as expected but still, it was one thing to do it and another to fake it, and no matter how much effort he put in, he still couldn't help it that his body would show how ridiculous he found everything.
"James Fleamont Potter, heir to the Potter family, nice to meet you, Black heir, isn't it?" he had extended his hand, and was waiting expectantly what this little boy's response would be.
"Sirius Orion Black, heir to the most noble and ancient House of Black, a pleasure to meet you heir Potter"
A couple of seconds passed; his hands clenched tightly as his eyes refused to stray from the others. And then James saw it, there, hidden among the sea of silver was an unmistakable gleam of mischief. From one moment to the next they both burst out laughing, loud and thunderous laughter that told James a lot about how they both looked more alike than they seemed at first sight.
This was the moment that James had been waiting for, that longing that he had built into his head; here was Sirius Black, his soul brother. Maybe it was too soon to tell but be dammed if James didn't already feel it in his bones.
The first time James heard of Regulus Black was without a doubt a moment of change. At one point Peter was telling them about one of his sisters' new job at MACUSA, and at another the attention was on Sirius.
It had been a little awkward getting Sirius to open enough to say something about his family, but when Peter had asked about his brother, it was as if the doors of the compress had been broken.
He talked about some older cousins, about an uncle who lived in France in the Alsace region. But it was the topic of his brother that gave them a genuine look of Sirius.
"Regulus, his name is Regulus. Although I call him Reggie" he began with a discreet smile "he will be coming to Hogwarts next year, he is very excited about that and even more about joining the quidditch team"
"Is he good at playing?" James's attention was one hundred percent on Sirius.
"He's excellent, mother won't let us fly in the house but when we go with Uncle Alphard, we spend every morning in the field. He always catches the snitch, clearly he's going to be a seeker and I'll be a beater. He's the best little brother, sometimes a bit annoying but you learn to love him, it's a sweetness in the background"
"Are you guys very close?" Peter asked as he stole some of the candy James had bought for everyone.
"I guess we are, he's-" his cheeks flushed a little with embarrassment as he averted his eyes to the scenery outside the train "He's the person I love the most, I wanted him to come to Hogwarts with me actually. We tried to sneak him into the luggage rack but one of the prefects caught us. Now that I remember, he made some cookies" Sirius promptly get a holdall from the overhead compartment and started rummaging it until he found a package in wrapping cloth "he tends to stress cook, I'm actually surprised my mother hasn't figured it out yet but hey, better this way. He told me that I could surely use them to make friends, you know, friendship is sharing or any nonsense" Sirius couldn't help but roll his eyes, what a ridiculous thought as if he wasn't able to make friends with just his dazzling personality "So help yourself, I promise they are the best cookies. Not even the bloody elf can make them that well"
The other children did not hesitate to accept the offer, they were growing children after all, there was always room for more sweets.
The cookies were surprisingly delicious, and James wasted no time complimenting them. However, even if they hadn't been so good, he certainly would have paid them compliments, given the way Sirius was looking at them it seemed that a single word against his brother's sweets could mean not making it to Hogwarts.
"This is really good" the other three children had learned very quickly that Remus Lupin was a chocoholic, and therefore had given up the chocolate cookies without hesitation, settling for the vanilla ones instead.
"I told you, maybe I'll ask him to send me some during the term" Sirius's face had lifted in a proud gesture, as if he himself had spent effort preparing the sweets "although maybe it would be better to wait to Christmas break to bring some, I wouldn't want mother to find out about Reggie's hobby while I'm gone."
"Your mom doesn't like your brother to cook?" James asked, slightly concerned at the frown marring Sirius's face.
"Of course not, if mother found out that Regulus is doing house elf chores, she would probably lock him in the kitchen cupboard."
Hearing that, James's eyes widened in shock, and a quick glance at his companions showed him that they too found Sirius' comment and the casual way he said it troubling.
"Wow, that's a bit…Dramatic" Remus pronounced the words carefully, afraid of saying something out of place.
"Well, that's what the Black are for you, a dramatic group of crazy people. But well, that doesn't matter, what matters is that I was right when I told them that my little brother was incredible"
Sensing Sirius' intention to change the subject, James decided to help him "It certainly sounds like that, I'm dying to meet him next year" and he wasn't lying, James was really very intrigued by Sirius' brother, already imagining an exact copy of the heir Black "What is he like anyway?" James' mind raced with a thousand questions: What tone does his voice have? What games does he prefer? He likes to collect butterflies?
"Oh well, physically he looks like me. I have a picture of him give me a second" back to his trunk Sirius took out a Polaroid from a herbology book "My uncle took it this summer, thanks to Morgana my mother didn't find it, if not maybe she would have burned it or something" and so he passed it to James, with Remus and Peter peering over the bespectacled boy's shoulders to see.
The photo showed the two brothers smiling, Sirius hugging Regulus from behind, resting his chin on top of his head. They both looked quite happy and in what looked like a beautiful field with a clear sky.
The problem with James has always been that it is very easy for him to get his hopes up and create expectations, but he also had the characteristic of being very easily infatuated. Attracting James' attention was not difficult, capturing his interest could be a matter of seconds and so, with just a glance at the Polaroid he was fascinated.
Regulus Black didn't look as much like his brother as James had thought, for starters Regulus' hair was slightly shorter than Sirius', reaching just above his ears. It was also less curly and more wavy, soft waves of deep black that set off silver eyes; that was another difference, Sirius' eyes had a little hint of blue, but Regulus' looked like pure silver, almost like stars. Also, Regulus's face was bathed in freckles and a couple of beauty marks, which made a direct contrast to Sirius' clean face.
There was generally something magical about Regulus, which was ironic when the photo was Muggle and lacked the enchantments to grant movement.
James felt himself blush a little and was glad that Sirius was too busy complaining to Remus about Regulus spending too much time on his hair to notice.
Suddenly he was so excited to meet his new friend's little brother, he didn't understand why - he would do it in the future, and he would be so ashamed of how fast it fell - but he couldn't help but fantasize about the idea of making mischief not only with Peter, Sirius and Remus, if not Regulus as well.
"He's quite pretty" Peter said, earning him a glare from Sirius.
"I guess he is, he's my brother after all. It wouldn't be possible for him to be ugly when clearly, I'm not" Sirius slapped the picture back and put it in the book "But don't be fooled by his appearance, he may looks like an angel but he can be quite a brat. My cousin Cissa says he's all love, and maybe he is, but he's always giving me orders. If it wasn't because he's such a shorty you'd think he's the oldest" he keeps silent as if he was debating whether to say something, in the end his cheeks turned a little red as he averted his eyes away from his three new friends.
"I love him so much, he's my favorite person and I can't wait for us to be at Hogwarts together. I was really scared to leave but we promised to write letters every day, so hopefully he won't feel so lonely. W-we don't have any friends, I mean, it's... Arhg, it's hard to explain. We're at these fancy parties all the time surrounded by all these pureblood jerks, and I just hate them. So, Reggie and I stay away from them as much as we can, for which without me there he will only have Kreacher to keep him company"
"Hey mate" noticing the tension in Sirius's body, Remus Lupin tried to give him some comfort "I can't tell you that everything is going to be alright" with a little discomfort Remus tilted his head trying to meet Sirius's eyes. Perhaps James and Peter hadn't understood what Sirius was hiding with his words, most likely they hadn't caught the hint of bruises under his shirt collar; but Remus had, as a child who hadn't had an easy life somehow it was easy for him to locate others who didn't either "But time will pass quickly, and when you realize it, you'll be back home"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
The great hall fell into shocked silence, with only a few people (mostly Muggle-borns) applauding young Sirius Black for his sorting. Even the teachers showed disbelieving faces.
It would not be correct to state that Sirius would be the first Black not to be placed in Slytherin, however, there was no person alive who would remember such a thing.
As for Sirius, he wasn't surprised at all and actually had a smug smile on his face. He had taken a bit of persuasion with the hat but in the end, he had gotten the job done for him. Among the other children waiting to be sorted, James and Peter were clapping loudly, and Remus gave Sirius a more discreet nod of support.
Somewhat subconsciously, Sirius searched for those relatives who were still at Hogwarts. At the Slytherin table a curly brown haired seventh year girl stood up, clapping loudly, and calling out her cousin's name in support of him. When Sirius managed to find Narcissa she had a cold face, however she gave him a small nod in acknowledgment.
Once the hat was removed from his head, Sirius walked safely to his House table. However, as he walked past James, the boy with glasses soon realized that Sirius was nervous and, if he was guessing correctly, a little scared.
"Save me a spot" James made sure to give him a friendly smile and a pat on the back.
"Of course, Jamie"
James was anxious, as sure as he had been during the train ride about being a Gryffindor, there was still the lingering doubt that this would be the case. He was sure his parents would love him regardless of where he gets sorted, but would they be disappointed? What about all those friends of Dad's who had claimed that he would be a Gryffindor? Would they be offended? What if he was a Slytherin? He had never met a Slytherin who wasn't an evil purist.
"James Potter," Minerva McGonagall's voice echoed off the walls, her stern gaze softening a bit at the nervous black-haired boy.
Taking a deep breath, James steeled himself to walk over to the stool.
It didn't take even a minute with the hat, it just had to sit on his head for a second and the hat gave its verdict: "GRYFFINDOR"
The loud roar that sounded from the right table was deafening. Another Potter to the house of lions, a more intact tradition... Curious how that same night Sirius Black broke a similar one.
James immediately ran to his new House, throwing himself into the empty seat between Sirius and Peter, who greeted him with hugs and applause. Once he was seated, he was faced with a red-haired girl with piercing green eyes, who if James remembered correctly was named Lily.
"Nice to meet you, I'm James Potter." A little awkwardly, James managed to reach out his arm without knocking over a glass of pumpkin juice. He formed the best smile of his, completely captivated by the pretty girl in front of him… after all it was very easy to catch James Potter's attention.
"Lily Evans" the redheaded girl gave a strong squeeze and offered a small smile to the other boy.
Some kids just fall in love easier. They easily infatuate and idealize a person. For James, who dreamed of being a brave Gryffindor and a pride for his parents, it was not difficult for his childish mind to lead him to dream of great adventures and epic romances.
Fleamont Potter is a romantic man, and thus he had filled James with the greatest love stories ever told. Love in all its forms was then an important part of James's life, he would grow up surrounded by love and patiently wait to be able to meet people that he would fill with love: friends that he would turn into brothers, people that he would love romantically. For some it was as if James was in love with love.
Fairy tales would be his daily bread, without fail Fleamont would read him a bedtime story. Fanciful stories about brave and chivalrous men, who fearlessly faced horrible villains and won the love of the princess along the way. He would hear about his counterpart, James Hari Potter, his great-great-grandfather, and the epic story of how he won his wife, a woman who according to the stories was fire incarnate.
For James it was not only important to make friends, it was also important to find love. But at the age of 11 we know little about love, we feel it, we experience it but very rarely do we understand it. And James wouldn't understand for a couple of years that love is more than liking.
Sometimes it is possible to love someone without having met them, but it is very unlikely to love an idea of someone without falling into the idealized.
James didn't love Lily Evans, not because he didn't know her but because he wasn't that interested in meeting her. For 11-year-old James, the only important thing about Lily was that she was pretty, that she had hair like fire and eyes that stole the air.
Lily Evans was the idea, the personified image of the fairy tales his father read to him, the princess the knight would save. And so, in his head, he began to dream of winning the fire girl's heart, of having a fairy tale ending.
Lily Evans was her own person, a Muggle-born who was willing to take on the world by mouthfuls and stand out. A brilliant witch, the brightest of her age, and also a girl with surprising maturity. Love was not a priority in her life, she wanted to make friends, be accepted, but to have a partner? No, thanks.
To Lily, James was an annoying child who couldn't recognize rejection even if it was shouted in his face. She wasn't a cruel child, but by God if James Potter didn't make her want to commit unspeakable crimes.
James' first night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry went much better than he had expected. Not only had he ended up sharing a room with his new friends, but he had also pulled his first prank by skipping curfew and going to the owlery. Yes, they had been caught in the end, but as was well said, perhaps the real treasure was the friends we made along the way. And it was obvious that this little escapade had sealed something, an unspoken pact between the four children.
The next morning however, made James question all of his life decisions. How in Merlin's name had he thought it was a good idea to sleep late on the first day of school? His eyes closed involuntarily, and his head bobbed dangerously close to the bowl of oatmeal. He feared that at this rate he wouldn't have enough energy to make it through his first class, and the last thing he wanted was to antagonize his head of house. Enough had been that she caught them on their night out and they'd be late for breakfast, but now would he fall asleep in her class too?
He needed an emotion, something to put him on alert.
As if out of the sky (literally) an owl approached where he was sitting, for a second he thought that the owl was directed at him, which he found strange since his parents had already sent him their greetings and congratulations. But the bird stopped in front of Sirius, who had a white face before the red envelope that was offered to him.
James couldn't help but grimace at the howler, his poor friend hadn't even been in school for 24 hours and he was most likely going to be marked by humiliation.
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK, HOW DARE YOU HUMILIATE THE NOBLE AND OLDEST HOUSE OF BLACK? You are an embarrassment, a stain on this family that I hope have the decency to spare us further sorrow! I don't know how I could have been so wrong with you but be sure little brat that this will not go unpunished. You have caused me deep pain and I hope you know how to find enough mercy in yourself to at least make sure you get together with the right company. Toujours Pur, Sirius. Never forget it!"
Walburga Black is, James thought, an absolute terror. His words were not only painful but also poisonous.
"Are you okay, Sir?" The quickest to snap out of his stupor was Peter, who gave Sirius a light pat on the back fearing the boy might burst into tears. By Merlin, Peter hadn't even been the sender of the howler, but he almost felt a tremendous urge to do so, even more so under the weight of the curious looks from the entire student body.
Sirius was, however, quite unmoved. He was much more focused on the gray owl that had dropped down behind the black one. The little gray owl had a white envelope in its beak, and there was neat handwriting on the outside that Sirius recognized in a second.
James, who still hadn't finished processing what the hell had just happened, shuddered a bit when Sirius opened the other letter, half expecting another couple of shrieks to come out to say good morning. Instead, beautiful calligraphy filled the paper.
"It's from my little brother, he says he's very happy with my classification and please don't pay too much attention to mother, which is unnecessary. As if I were going to listen to a word from a crazy hag, she just needs to be declared clinically insane to do it officer. Anyway, he also says that- oh you've got to be kidding, it seems like we didn't grow up together. Listen to this, he says he hopes I don't get in trouble, please study hard and avoid any bad behavior. Can you believe that? My own brother, blood of my blood, asking me to behave, unbelievable. Blah blah blah, have a good year, aha, write often- of course I will. Yep, that seems to be it, sends regards and ample apologies for having to put up with me. This brat, no respect for his older brother."
"Did you tell him about us?"
"Obviously Remy. You are my friends, and I would clearly tell my brother about you, he will read a lot about you guys in the future so he might as well get used to it now"
To James' surprise, Sirius had returned the letter to the envelope and carefully placed it inside one of his books. James's own letter that his parents had sent him was on the table, smeared with what looked like orange juice and ketchup. "Are you going to put it away?"
"Of course I will, Reggie would be mad if I didn't. He puts a lot of effort into his handwriting" but still, James didn't believe a word of it: Sirius' smile was too wide to do so.
See, when James was eleven years old, he was an idiot. Everyone at that age commits acts they regret for a lifetime, things that keep one up late at night wondering what was I thinking?
One of those moments would take place on the first day of class in 1970, when James and his friends search for the transfiguration classroom. During his walk through the noisy halls, James would see a golden opportunity - or at least that's what he would think.
In front of him, walking briskly and talking animatedly, was Lily Evans, oh Lily, lily flower and goddess among mortals. Maybe James hadn't had the pleasure of seeing Lily at breakfast as late as he'd arrived, but right now life made up for it with Lily's beauty bathed in the morning sun streaming through the windows. A pity that such a view was marred by the Slytherin who accompanied her.
Morality is something complex, it is built over time and experiences. The first sense of morality that we have we get from our parents, and being the parents of James, Euphemia and Fleamont Potter it was evident that they would build in their son firm foundations of kindness and justice, clear ideas about right and wrong.
The second sense of morality that is formed comes from society, what we are taught through customs, and this is where a curious part of the Wizarding World comes in.
The magical world was clearly divided, a barrier between two groups that could very well form different societies and communities. There were purists on one side and muggle lovers, as they were so disparagingly called, on the other. Dark and Light, if you want to be dramatic.
The Potters are one of the families firmly on the "light" side, staunch believers in equality between Muggles and wizards, in the importance of using their privilege for the benefit of those who don't have it. They would raise their child with the best values they had to offer, but even they would be unable to shake the belief in stigmas towards certain members of the wizarding community. It's not that Fleamont or Euphemia were actively fostering such ideas in James, it's just that perhaps they never saw the extent to which outside agents would have in it.
The stigma towards the Slytherins was not something of recent years, it had been accompanying the British community for centuries, the same time Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was founded. Ever since Salazar Slytherin made public his position against Muggle-borns, Slytherins would always be seen as evil incarnate, boogeymen, villains.
Of course, there was no denying that Slytherin house themselves had done many heinous acts which contributed to their image as dark wizards. Fame preceded them. But it would be a fallacy to assert without question that all their witches and wizards were evil.
Slytherin house had produced dark wizards, yes; but also the other houses. The last dark wizard hadn't even studied at Hogwarts.
Evil could come from anywhere, it's just that it was easier when he put a name and face to the enemy. It is easier to brand an entire group as the enemy than to accept the unpredictable nature of the world.
And the magical world of Great Britain had taken this belief as a mantra. Hundreds of children's books would contain stories with Slytherins as villains; if a catastrophe appeared in the newspapers, it was quickly attributed to some Slytherin; if a new dark wizard arose, surely he had been in the house of serpents.
Little wonder then that in the impressionable minds of magical children, these kinds of thoughts grew to stay. And James Potter, gentlemanly as he was, had internalized these ideas.
He shared a sidelong glance with Sirius, and boy, were they definitely one for each other. They both smiled at each other, and James took off running towards Lily and the Slytherin boy, pushing them both to opposite sides of the corridor, a second later Sirius caught up and following James' lead, he ended up throwing the boy's books on the floor.
Left behind were Remus and Peter who were taken aback by their friends' actions.
"I'd be careful if I were your Lily, snakes can be very dangerous"
Lily just gave James a frown as she went over to help her friend with his things. Seeing that they weren't going to get any answers, Sirius took James by the arm and dragged him to the Transfiguration class.
"We'll be late, James. Peter, Rem, don't be left behind"
In James's mind he felt that he had performed a noble act, by warning the redheaded girl about that friend of hers. Lily was a Muggle-born, she clearly still didn't know the wizarding world well enough to differentiate who was or wasn't good company. But James was sure he knew, and as such he felt that he had done a good deed by warning het. He didn't know the Slytherin boy with her, but if he was in that house, he sure wasn't that different from any of their infamous members.
It soon became obvious that James Potter was more than infatuated with Lily Evans and also that a strange rivalry had formed between Severus Snape, first-year Slytherin, with James and Sirius - Remus and Peter preferred to stay out of whatever their two other friends were doing with Snape, thank you very much.
The altercation in the hall seemed to be the start of it all, but for James and Sirius it got personal when in their first potions class with the Slytherins - really, who thought of pairing two rival houses together in one dark room was a good idea? - Severus Snape will manage to change one of their ingredients of the Befuddlement Draft.
The shriek Sirius had given when the red liquid bathed all of his hair was inhuman.
Poor Lily Evans constantly found herself in the middle of any childish squabble, but she was loyal, and Severus was her friend, so no silly joke would persuade her to abandon him. Instead, it soon became clear that Evans passionately despised James and even more his desperate and ridiculous attempts to catch her attention. No matter what James did to ingratiate himself with her, nothing seemed to work.
But at least James had his friends to distract him from every outright rejection.
Regulus Black must be the most adorable human being James hadn't met yet.
Every day without fail a little gray owl would bring a finely worded letter to Sirius, and his happiness at receiving them was so contagious that he didn't hesitate to read them aloud most mornings to his group of friends.
At this point James knew more about Regulus than he had expected from someone he had never seen in person, which was strange and something the rest of his friends seemed to agree with. So much so that at first Remus had protested to Sirius saying that surely his brother didn't expect him to read his correspondence to any stranger, but the doubt had been resolved when they received a letter specially addressed to Lupin.
"You've got to be kidding, Black. Did you really ask your brother if you could read his letters to us?"
"You said it wasn't right to do so, so I decided it was best to ask the source himself."
"Rem, Remy, tell us what he wrote you?"
"Very excited, aren't you, Jamie?" Peter gave his bespectacled friend a playful look as they both snuggled in next to Remus.
"I wasn't even sure Sirius's little brother would remember we existed. So yeah, I'm excited."
"If you guys shut up maybe I can open this thing." Using a butter knife as a letter opener, Remus pulled the parchment out of the envelope. "Let's see."
'To Remus Lupin, my brother has written to me reporting your concern and my thoughts on his clear indiscretion. I appreciate this concern, however I have the misfortune to have lived in the same household as Sirius for a decade, so I had already figured that his inability for subtlety and decorum would make him recite anything he receives as if it were an interpretation of Shakespeare.
But again, thanks for your concern, it's nice to know that Siri has someone sensibly by his side, which leads me to offer you a sincere apology. Having to be the person with the most brain cells in his group can't be easy.
Sincerely, Regulus A. Black.'
Sirius' indignant face spoke volumes about what he thought of the letter, which made Remus laugh out loud. Was this how all the brothers got along? He thought "Looks like there was nothing to worry about. Do you think he'll mind if I answer him?"
"Please do, I'm sure you guys get along better." Sirius violently stabbed his fork into his fruit plate.
Peter and James swallowed their comments, enjoying the spectacle of Sirius and Remus doing.
As Sirius complained about how Regulus was so cruel and horrible, James couldn't help but disagree. He thought the way Regulus had written to Remus was very cute, and even more so the irreverent way in which he referred to his older brother. This was just another of the many details that made Regulus such an adorable thing in James's eyes.
Throughout the first few months of the school year, he had discovered or deduced certain things about Regulus Black that he had stored in a special corner of his mind. He knew for example that Regulus tended to jump from one subject to another with ease; that his knowledge of the stars and planets rivaled Professor Sinistra's; that he used to write in French when there was something in particular, he didn't want Sirius to tell them – and when that happened it always ended up with Sirius being in a testy mood for the rest of the day.
He knew about so many little things like his favorite color (green), his favorite season (autumn), and his love of potions. And certainly, James didn't brag about having a great memory, but he felt compelled to go out of his way for this little boy that his best friend loved more than anything.
Lily Evans's first big rejection of James Potter happened on a morning in late November, when James, having collected a considerable amount of the galleons that his parents had sent him, convinced the toad choir group to sing a Celestina Warbeck ballad in middle of the entrance hall.
Lily had completely reddened, even more so when her roommates start making mocking comments and giving her knowing smiles. However, Lily hadn't found anything even remotely funny about the whole thing, instead she felt tremendously self-conscious and embarrassed.
When the song was over, James would come out from behind the choir with a smirk and head held high, his whole posture was ridiculous, and Lily couldn't help but think he looked like a rooster.
"Ahem" next to James was Peter Pettigrew who had elbowed James.
"Yeah, sure," he cleared his throat, moving a little closer to the frowning Gryffindor girl, "Lily Evans, would you do me the honor of going out with me?"
Around her were dozens of students surrounding them, out of the corner of her eye she could even see Severus throwing a hateful look at James.
Perhaps if she had been a less prideful girl, or if she hadn't been at the height of James Potter's desperate attempts to get her attention, Lily might have burst into tears under the pressure. She however had stood firm, her green eyes flashing with fury.
"I would never go out with you" without another word, she bolted towards the courtyard viaduct. Behind her she could hear James yelling for a chance, to give him time. But it wasn't just that she heard, there were also some other girls who made fun of her, who insulted her for being so cruel.
She loved Hogwarts, the magic and the friends she had made, but James Potter's constant insistence on asking her out of it was a big "but" to the whole experience. It wasn't just James's insistence that bothered her so much, but also the arrogance with which the boy used to walk around the castle, annoying the Slytherin students and especially Severus. She was even more infuriated by the attitude that everyone in the castle took towards it, even her friends, constantly making mocking and encouraging comments to go out with James, completely ignoring her own opinion.
Lily Evans wouldn't date James Potter, not because he had an ego the size of the sun but because he didn't take her seriously, and there was nothing Lily hated more than not being recognized as her own person.
After the incident James had felt tremendously inconsolable, not exactly humiliated but hurt. He had planned the whole surprise with great emotion, hoping at least to make Lily smile, but in the end nothing had gone right.
"Don't worry mate, next time will surely be the charm." Sirius looked a little awkward trying to cheer James up, not used to comforting anyone besides his brother. For James though he would make an effort and carefully placed his arm over the other boy.
From across the bedroom Remus Lupin watched both boys with pitying eyes, he could understand James's feelings and appreciated Sirius's attempts to cheer him up, but he still wouldn't feel like a good friend to both James and Lily if he didn't try to say something "Maybe it would be good if you tried to be his friend first, don't you think James?"
"I- I guess so. You're right Rem, I'll definitely try that" with renewed energy James gave the two boys a small but dazzling smile.
"I brought the sweets"
"Just in time Pete, we have a new plan to put together"
The plan however failed miserably, after all you couldn't want to be friends with Lilly Evans if you weren't willing to be at least vaguely polite with Severus Snape, and heavens if the two boys didn't hate each other with passion. So, any attempt by James to swallow his hatred quickly went down the drain as Snape made snarky comments, which ended in a shouting match between Severus, James and Sirius with Lily, Remus and Peter being reluctant observers. After all, as much as Lily was more than willing to fight on Severus' behalf, she wouldn't deny that he certainly did set himself up for this sort of scenario, plus it was always good to see James Potter and Sirius Black lose their composure.
The end of winter break is something James will remember forever. His holidays had been more than perfect having missed his parents for all those months, James couldn't have wished for more, except maybe that the days had been longer. He had spent hours and hours talking endlessly about his new friends, telling everything that would be difficult to put in letters and his parents had listened attentively, somehow already fond of this group of friends they didn't know.
But just now when he saw Sirius, his best friend, sporting a horrible bruise marring his fine features, James understood that not everyone had parents like his.
During the short time they had known each other, something had become clear and without much explanation among the group of friends: Sirius Black lived in an abusive home.
Maybe James didn't understand what abuse meant at first, maybe Peter couldn't imagine what it was like to have parents who didn't love you, Remus couldn't conceive how these people who have everything can be so unloving. But in the end, some faster than others, they had understood everything. A child wouldn't cry his brother's name in the lonely night so often, if it wasn't for the fact that they truly believe they are in danger.
They had tried to be understanding towards Sirius, because they might not know what exactly was going on but that didn't mean they wouldn't try to cheer him up. They would do little things like leave their curtains open in a clear invitation, ignore the shudders, or avoid certain topics. They would steal the spotlight when Sirius couldn't seem to take it.
The first night Sirius had snuck into James's bed, it had certainly done something. Their relationship had improved. They didn't talk about it, they just slept next to each other and that was enough, it was for James as long as it was for Sirius.
But right now, James could understand what Remus had meant about Sirius living in an abusive home.
The ride on the train had been awkward, with Sirius refusing to meet their eyes and only telling them that they would talk into the night, but now he just wanted silence.
The rest of the day was spent in anticipation, James hadn't even touched his dinner plate, solely focused on Sirius who was fiddling with his cutlery and letting his long hair cover his black eye. Even the ride back to the dorms had been silent torture, and James just wished it would all be over.
"My mother is not happy with my sorting and well, let's just say she lost her temper a bit." Neither of them had known how to start the conversation, and James felt a little bad that he had left Sirius to do so.
"She's a cruel bitch, she spent hours and hours talking about the stain that this would be in the history of the Blacks and blah blah blah" It was clear that Sirius was very uncomfortable because his eyes still did not see any of the three.
“Of course, I told her I didn't give a fuck what Phineas Nigellus had to say about it and I kindly asked her to shut the hell up because you know, it's Christmas, unless she was going to sing Christmas carols I didn't really want to hear her ravings.”
"And then she hit you?" Peter had picked up a sock and thrown it at Sirius to get his attention.
“Of course not, don't be silly Pete, she just threw a glass of wine at me” Sirius had rolled his eyes and ignored the look of surprise that had been thrown at him “No, the bruise was in response to the bruise I gave her “
James seemed shocked to hear that, and a quick glance showed him that the other kids were the same “Did you hit your mother?!
“More like setting her dress on fire although I think I did hit her in the face a few times” To that Sirius had made a vicious smile that scared his friends of him. James knew that Sirius was more than capable of resorting to violence, on occasion he had encouraged such behavior, but it was still rare to see that streak of cruelty directed at his own family.
“I don't remember too well, I just… Well. When I got home, I didn't see Regulus greeting me, so I went upstairs to see him, and he was in bed. Turns out our lovely mother had decided that Reggie was being too talkative with her, and she left him in the snow as punishment, and I don't know if I told you guys, but he's really sickly so obviously ended up with a really nasty pneumoniae. I was so mad that filthy hag almost killed my brother so I went down to the living room with my wand and I set fire to her dress, after that I think I threw myself on her and hit her or something, I don't know , when I woke up I was in the floor and she had some scratches on her face and I, well, I had this and others” after explaining himself Sirius had pointed to his cheek and seemed quite pleased with himself.
Remus and Peter had started to express their concern, asking Sirius questions about where more exactly his mother had hit him. Later James thought that he must have said something although he wasn't sure, because Remus and Peter had left the room with his invisibility cloak. But at this moment James only had in mind the story that Sirius had just told, still transfixed by what his friend had said.
Sirius was his best friend; they might as well be brothers. They hadn't known each other for long, but it was still obvious that they were made for each other. And James already loved him.
He loved Sirius who didn't hesitate to speak his mind, who was a horrible chess player but somehow managed to pull off the best prank plans, who was extremely protective of his friends. He loved Sirius, and he couldn't understand how there could be someone in the world who didn't. That it would be his parents who would love him least.
And it made his heart ache, to think of Sirius living in a home that didn't want him. James knew the story of how much his parents fought to have him, the losses they had before he arrived, and it made him so sad and angry to think of these people who have two wonderful children and do not love them.
It hurt him, more than was perhaps warranted but he had always been prone to strong emotions. To think of Sirius and to think of Regulus, so alone and so beautiful.
"I am sorry"
"You’re sorry?"
“I'm sorry” he felt so pathetic for crying, he wasn't the one his mother had hit, he wasn't the one with a sick brother at home “I'm sorry, Sirius. It's not fair"
"It´s okay" and he hugged him, held him as best he could. No one had ever apologized to him for this, and it definitely wasn't the person who should be apologizing, but a part of him healed a little and cried a little. A distant memory, of a seven-year-old Sirius who desperately wanted someone to save him.
Sirius Black could be a pain obsessive perfectionist and James learned that the painful way. James had had a lousy week to begin with, being that February 14th had only been 2 days ago, and during that time James had holed up in his room as much as possible, depressed to the core after Lily set his valentine's gift on fire. To James' credit, he didn't know that Lily was allergic to flowers and therefore her first reaction would be to eliminate them.
But that didn't prevent James from feeling destroyed before another new rejection, which led him to this moment, with him under his sheets wanting to disappear alone. Too bad Sirius didn't seem to have gotten the message, deciding to throw him out of bed instead.
"James, it's urgent. Get up, I need your help.” Sirius yanked the blanket off James's body and began to flutter around the room, looking for clothes and throwing them at James.
"Sirius, you better shut up or I swear the Black family will be left without an heir."
“Reward or punishment?” Before Peter could keep his promise to him, James grabbed the clothes Sirius gave him and led him out of the room.
Together they went down to the completely empty common room, which caught James' attention. Throwing out a tempus he was surprised that it was 5 in the morning. Sirius really must have had a death wish to have made such a fuss at this hour. "What is so urgent to get me out at this hour?" Trusting that no one would be awake at this time, James began to change into his uniform.
“I need a present”
"A present?"
“Yes, Reggie's birthday is on the 20th, and I need a present”
"And you expect me to help you?" Finishing tying his tie, James turned to face Sirius. "I think it's pretty clear that I'm not very good at choosing gifts."
“Nonsense, there was no way you knew Evans was allergic to flowers. It was an excellent gift”
James smiled, his friends had tried to cheer him up in many ways but the fact that Sirius trusted him to help him with this made him feel special and warm.
"Okay, let's make a list of the things Regulus likes first."
"That's the attitude"
It was easier to said than do it, they had spent the morning making the list, exchanging notes between classes, and once almost getting caught by Professor McGonagall before Sirius popped the parchment into his mouth and swallowed it. Redoing the list hadn't been nearly as difficult as getting Remus to catch the breath he'd lost from laughing.
By the time night came they would have a list of almost 30 items and James could only wish Sirius would stop putting a but to each one.
"Books? What the hell were we thinking when we put that up, I already send him books every week”
"I'm not going to give candy to my brother, I'm not so miserable to give a miserable gift"
"I gave him a stuffed animal last year; the Blacks do not repeat"
“I am one hundred percent sure that Narcissa is going to give him some sticks for the hair, she always gives us things for our hair”
"James, I don't have enough money for a bloody broom." That particular one had earned him a memorable frown.
With each complaint from Sirius, James felt that maybe it was a good thing that he didn't have siblings. He couldn't for the life of him put in this amount of effort, although if he was objective this was more of a Sirius thing than a brother thing.
"Mate, I'm sure that whatever you give him, he will love it" he was sure of that, until now Regulus had given him the impression of a child who would really be happy just by having the attention of his brother. Besides that, he would say anything confidently enough if it meant being able to go to sleep.
“That just means I should put in more effort. Apart from this, this year is special, he will be eleven. Eleven years old James, it's not just anything” and so he continued to cross off another three items on the list “Tell me what your parents gave you when you turned eleven?”
"My wand" he felt as his eyes closed and the letters in the catalog he flipped through blurred. Turning pages at last he saw the illumination; it was the perfect gift, and he would be damned if he didn't get Sirius to buy it. He couldn't take another hour of torture, so even if he had to use all his manipulation skills – which he didn't have – he would make Sirius buy this thing. "Check this out, if you order it right now it will arrive in time for his birthday. You must choose now mate, it's that or there is no gift"
"Give me that" As Sirius's eyes swept over the catalogue, his face relaxed from a scowl to an expression of delight. "You. Are. A. Genius"
The page showed a small circular cyan blue box with intricate silver and gold decorations that made it look like an antique. It could be mistaken for a music box, however – and according to the catalog – when opened it projected a hologram of the night sky instead of music. What was even better, it was within Sirius's budget.
Sirius was of course a rich kid; he didn't hesitate to spend his money in the most ridiculous way and his own parents couldn't care less what he could use the little vault at Gringotts in his name for. But he and Regulus had almost made it a tradition to give each other gifts that in one way or another came from their own efforts. For example, this year Regulus had sent him half a dozen banana cupcakes, and the year before Sirius had made a stuffed animal by hand with the help of his cousin Andromeda and, surprisingly enough, Bellatrix.
But this year Sirius had decided that he might as well do something different, and so he had offered to do some of his year mates' homework for money. He wouldn't use his parents' money and he could buy a nice gift.
“I knew you were good at this, Jamie. I'll order it tomorrow morning and pay for express shipping. I will also put a letter saying that it is from both of us”
"You don't have to do that." His cheeks turned a little red and he gave to the other boy a small smile.
“But you helped me”
Remus' birthday was on March 8th, and it had fallen on a Monday. Monday was the day when there were the largest number of owls fluttering through the great hall, dozens of birds flying from one side to the other delivering letters and packages, creating a view that hid the ceiling of the room with feathers of all colors.
Among the chaos three owls approached Remus Lupin, probably the most loved Gryffindor boy among his classmates because of his kind and assertive personality. Since early the congratulations have washed over Remus, causing him so many conflicting emotions: happiness and sadness, anger and affection. Remus had never had a birthday with so many people wishing him well, and this would be the first year of many where he would receive more than his parents.
Remus Lupin loves his parents, and his parents love him. But sometimes love is not enough to cover the guilt in his father's eyes or the fear of his mother's anxiety. His parents love him, but they have always believed that they were the only ones capable of loving him, but now Remus begins to understand that this is not necessarily true. How many friends has he not made this year after all? He is a monster, he knows it in the same way that he knows he is a wizard, but for today he feels that he is not.
The three owls are so different from each other: one is a dirty brown, she is old and a bit silly, even a bit cruel and Remus recognizes her as his father's owl; the second is just as familiar, being gray and young, in addition to making an appearance almost every day; the last one, that was a surprise. The Potters used to regularly send packets of sweets and letters to James, however this was the first time the majestic white owl with brown spots had addressed any of the children.
“Oh right, my parents said they would send you something on your birthday. They also said they would give you a double present next year Sirius."
"When did they supposed told you that?" Remus said as he gave each bird a small piece of fruit and took each delivery.
"Christmas, I think. They are excited to meet you guys, so you are also invited to come over the summer to my house"
“Your parents are the best, you guys will love them. Effie is just the best and Fleamont makes this mini tomato tarts as picky bits that are so good”
"It's good to know that you like me, otherwise I'd think you're just my friend because of my dad's cooking"
"Who says I'm not your friend because of that?"
“Oh please, you love me. Now Rem, how much did you receive?”
“Mom sent some chocolates and dad some money. Sirius's little brother a chocolate cupcake and your parents- My god this is a bunch of chocolates and a fountain pen?
"That must have been chosen by mom"
“Reggie sends you something?”
"You have a problem with that?"
"No, it's just that I didn't expect him to do that."
“Well, to be honest, I wasn't expecting that either, but it's a sweet gesture. I feel bad now that I didn't send him anything on his birthday."
"Don't be, he likes to make gifts"
James's birthday is quite an event that kicks off the night before March 27, with Sirius, Remus, and Peter sneaking into the great hall in the middle of the night and charming the students' benches and teachers' chairs. It's quite a journey to get out of the room and back without James noticing, but they do and they couldn't be happier about it.
Fortunately, the easiest part of the plan is to get James into the hall late enough that the vast majority of the students are already there. Sirius only has to mention that they could sneak into the shed with the brooms and steal a couple for a bit, and James forgets any intention of having eggs and juice for breakfast.
By the time they arrive, the owls have already brought the mail and Remus and Peter have already taken care of receiving gifts from James and seeing the birds off. In the empty space in front of the two children sits a red box with an oversized, ornate blue bow on the table, next to a cellophane-wrapped blueberry cupcake and, in the center of the table, a basket full of candy and letters that the Gryffindor students put together.
"Hey, I also got a sweet"
"Lots of sweets actually," Sirius said as he slumped into the seat opposite Remus, completely shattered by his little broomstick run.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about, I mean a Reggie's sweet."
“Are they some kind of brand now?”
“Do you think he would be interested in selling them?” Remus was suddenly very interested in the conversation.
Be that as it may, any response from Sirius is muted as James takes his seat and as planned, the little birthday joke comes to life. In a moment the whole great room was flooded with colored smoke that dissipated without a trace, only as evidence of its existence were the little birthday hats that everyone now wore.
To close with a flourish, the hats acquired an opening like a mouth and began to recite happy birthday in different styles: low voices, high voices, opera, rock, gospel, mariachi... Name it and there was a hat that sang just the same.
The laughter, the groans, the voices of the students who joined in singing, all caused chaos and created a horrible, off-key sound. But James's smile was so genuine that not even Professor McGonagall had the heart to punish her ever-increasing offenders.
“What a wonderful display of magic, splendid indeed. Too bad our author didn't leave his signature." Once the yelling was over, Professor Dumbledore stood up and winked at the first-year Gryffindor quartet "Now if it's not too much to ask, let's go back to enjoy the breakfast that the kitchen elves have so kindly prepared for us."
During the Easter holidays James had nightmares. He was no stranger to them, when he was much younger, they were a thing that happened every other night. Dark and gloomy dreams, about terrifying creatures like dementors or even mermaids. James knew what it was like to have a nightmare, but none felt like the ones that haunted his dream on vacation.
In the end the pressure was too much to deal with alone, and even though he was out of breath, James managed to explain enough to his parents for them to understand. About a boy with black hair and gray eyes, blood and broken bones. They felt so real, and the worst part was that James knew they were. His parents of course understood and did not try to lie to his son. The Potters would never be reticent in telling their son things clearly, they could decide to omit something but never blatantly lie; and so, the only thing they had been able to tell James was that those who need help would always be welcome in his home, that they would try to see what they could do in the Ministry but that for now they only had to hope for the best.
But James was scared, he was afraid to know in what state Sirius would arrive at the train. It was even worse because he couldn't hear from him, not like with Remus and Peter who sent letters or even, in the latter's case, came to his house.
In the end even nightmares couldn't come close to the image Sirius' purple neck made that his shirt did little to hide. James had gotten very used to the image of Sirius full of energy and bravery, and it was so disconcerting to see how his eyes lacked the usual fire, and instead were dull. The bags under his eyes didn't do her a favor either, only enhancing the sickly paleness of his complexion.
"Reggie was caught by mother reading one of the Muggle books I sent him."
"Is he okay?" Sometimes James was surprised at how easily Remus could show so much with his eyes, like now that he was basically calling him an idiot.
“It could have been worse, I guess” before the expectant look of his friend, he continued “She put a little curse of nightmares on him, I was with him every night trying to calm him down but when mother found out, she tied me by the neck to my bed”
And James felt a hatred so deep in his heart building, and a fear that stole his breath. He thought of Sirius but also of Regulus. Regulus who sent each of them a cupcake on his birthday, Regulus who spent pages and pages talking about stars and planets, Regulus who Sirius loved.
Suddenly it was important to know if there would be a Regulus that Sirius could return to at the end of the year.
If James were a little more self-aware and hadn't convinced himself so strongly that the only possible love of his life is Lily Evans, this would be the moment he would have realized that - hey, maybe I've developed a little crush with my best friend's little brother.
Instead, James loses any trace of dignity in front of the hundreds of students at the train station. It's just his father's hand pulling him by his shirt that keeps him from crashing to the ground, and that, along with his mother's little laugh, is what brings color to his cheeks.
James is a teenager and over the summer break he has come to the realization that not only has he grown a couple of inches, but his body does weird things. Weird like bumping into furniture or tripping him up, so embarrassed as he is, James convinces himself this is normal. It's completely normal to trip after most likely the prettiest person he's ever seen makes eye contact with him.
"Hey Jamie. Mrs. Potter, Mr. Potter my pleasure, I'm Sirius Black and this here is my little brother, Regulus."
"It's a pleasure to meet you Lord and Lady Potter"
"My, my, but what lovely children you are. Please call me Euphemia." Euphemia Potter's hands seemed to be struggling hard to crush the two pairs of chubby cheeks. But she resisted, not wanting to hurt Sirius who had a healing bruise on his right cheek, and not wanting to inconvenience Regulus who seemed two seconds away from hiding behind his older brother.
"Only for ladies of such dazzling beauty"
"Should I be concerned that you try to steal my wife, young Black?" Fleamont Potter took a moment to look at both children, quickly noticing details that worried him. For example, as beyond the obvious bruise on Sirius's face, both boys were too skinny, with Regulus being the one who caused him the most concern as he seemed to be the one most in need of a good vitamin potion.
"I'm certainly no match for you Mr. Potter," Sirius dramatically placed a hand on his forehead, pretending to faint.
"Lovely indeed, but please call me Fleamont, one can be old but young at heart" the train whistle blew loudly on the platform alerting the students and their families of the imminent departure "Well kids seem it's time to go, it was nice to meet you two but I think that it would be a good idea to get on the train now"
"I don't see your parents anywhere sweeties, have they left yet?"
"Mother had business to attend to and she let us come with our elf." Sirius's smile suddenly seemed very stiff, and he squeezed his brother's hand tightly.
"I see... then we'll see you off, is it alright if I give you a hug?"
"Of course," it was surprisingly Regulus who had spoken, blushing when four pairs of eyes looked at him.
"If you guys feel uncomfortable about it, you don't have to do it."
"And miss out on a hug from the most beautiful woman my eyes have ever seen, Jamie?" perhaps his brother was the first to speak, but it was Sirius who approached first and let himself be enveloped by Euphemia's soft arms.
After a brief moment, Regulus walked over and Mrs. Potter gave him a small hug as well, much shorter than his brother's, but clearly meant not to overwhelm him.
"It was a pleasure to meet you"
"The pleasure was our, sons"
"Don't hesitate to get in touch if you need something, anything." Euphemia Potter gave them a fond smile and eyes filled with genuine affection.
Finally, the Potters said their goodbyes to James, and only then did they finally let the three children board the train.
"Sorry if my mom made you uncomfortable. She's very caring and always-"
"Jamie, Jamie, it's okay. It wasn't uncomfortable, definitely weird. But a good kind of weird, right Reggie?"
"You don't have to worry about that, Potter. We said it was fine, don't we?"
"If you say so... Oh Merlin, I haven't even introduced myself, I'm James"
"And here for a second I thought you were Lupin." Regulus chuckled as he watched James shift uncomfortably in his seat.
"Yeah, sure um... Nice to finally meet you, Sirius has talked a lot about you and that cupcake you sent for my birthday was amazing."
"I'm glad you liked it"
"And to think you didn't believe me when I told you they loved them." Sirius was over the moon with happiness, delighted that two of his favorite people didn't hate each other.
"You're not exactly the definition of a trusted source"
"So early and we're already burning Sirius? God, my favorite thing to do." Wearing an infamously oversized sweater, Remus Lupin opened the compartment door and entered with a Peter Pettigrew close behind.
"I thought your favorite activity was stealing questions from that Ravenclaw kid?"
"Now Pete, that's not an activity, it's a way of life."
"Hey, it's good to see you." James stood up and went over to Peter to give him a brief hug and then give Remus one as well. "How was your summer?"
"It could be worse"
"Ahem" Sirius stood up and pulled Regulus to do the same, placing the boy a couple of inches smaller in front of him "Fellas, this is Regulus, middle name that would cost me my life, Black."
"How you managed to make friends is a mystery to me. Is he paying you?" Regulus gave his older brother a weary look, already used to his peculiar personality.
"Unfortunately, not. It's good to finally meet you Regulus, were you able to finish the book I recommended to you?"
"Lupin I guess, it was a truly a good book I really enjoyed it. The ending though..."
"Regulus cried for hours, Kreacher had to make him shortbread cookies to cheer him up"
"That is not true"
"Oh, no? I must have imagined you then walking into my room whining 'oh Siri, he's not dead, is he? He just went back to his planet' wah, wah, wah"
"Shut up! You're so mean, I'll go find another place to sit if you don't leave me alone"
"Okay, come on, sit down before you fall"
Utterly outraged, Regulus slammed into one of the seats, but was so annoyed with his obnoxious brother that instead of sitting next to him, he preferred the spot between the window and James Potter.
"You know, I thought Sirius would be nicer to you," Peter said, taking the place previously occupied by Regulus and letting Remus sit across from the younger boy.
"Why would you believe that?"
"Yes, why would you believe that?" Sirius said indignantly.
"Maybe because you spent the whole year talking about Regulus as if he were the sweetest and most lovable person in the whole world" Peter's answer made Sirius blush and smile at Regulus, who was already planning to annoy his brother in the future for that detail.
"Candy from the trolley dears?" the compartment door opened again as the old witch made her appearance.
Feeling suddenly so nervous after Regulus sat down next to him, James dashed off to inspect the collection of sweets. He did his best to try to remember which Sirius had said was his brother's favorite candy, but with nothing coming to mind he decided to order everything.
"As you like, honey" the old lady used a wordless spell and sent all the sweets to the small shelf by the window. Once she received the payment, the lady continued on her way with a cheerful step.
"Did you just buy the whole trolley?" Regulus said as he watched the precarious mountain of goodies sway dangerously.
"Well not all exactly. Just the vast majority, we did it last year too"
"And what are other people supposed to buy?"
The older boys who were already digging through the loot suddenly stopped.
"You know that's actually a very valid question," Remus said with a quick glance out of the compartment.
As much as James wished Regulus would end up in Gryffindor, there was no denying that the history of the Black family set an undeniable precedent. Sirius had been a fluke, an anomaly. But James was at least sure of one thing: if Regulus ended up in Slytherin he too would be an anomaly, one in a million. Because James just needed to hear the way Sirius talked about him to know that he wasn't like any other snake.
He would have cunning and intelligence, but not cruelty.
Seeing the first years lined up in the middle of the Great Hall was truly an experience. Each child was so different, none of them behaved in the same way and it was somehow easy to predict where each one might end up. Some had that undeniable Ravenclaw curiosity, a serene aura that was very Hufflepuff, quick eyes that screamed Slytherin and confident faces that said Gryffindor, but others weren't so easy to tell.
Among them Regulus stood out spectacularly, and James wondered if Sirius had stood out just as much last year. Somehow, he doubted it, Regulus had something in his quieter personality that especially attracted attention.
"It's going to be alright Sirius" when he heard Remus' voice, James came back to reality around him.
"Everything will be fine, nothing will change" he murmured softly, repeating it once, twice, three times.
"Regulus Black"
From here James could tell that Regulus was scared but he was very good at hiding it, keeping an otherwise indifferent face. When the hat was placed on the head of black waves, he could hear next to him Sirius holding his breath.
1 minute.
2 minutes.
3 minutes.
"SLYTHERIN!"
Along with Peter, they both rose to their feet to applaud as Slytherin house lost its head at being able to claim one of the Black children from the main family.
Sirius looked lost, his eyes still on the bench his brother had sat on.
"Siri!" Halfway down the welcome hall, Regulus Black had caught up with his brother and his friends. Lupin, Pettigrew and Potter had turned at the sound of it and although Sirius had also turned, his eyes seemed more interested in the marks on the floor than in his little brother. "I-is everything okay?"
Throughout the banquet Sirius had ignored Regulus' attempts to make eye contact, and as soon as was given permission to leave the place, he didn't look twice before leaving.
As if he couldn't bear to listen to Regulus, his older brother turned and ran up the steps. He was running away and suddenly Regulus felt that he was going to cry, he didn't know what he had done wrong, but his brother didn't want him; he was gone, he had left him standing as if he were any stranger.
"Sirius!" Pettigrew had made to take the other boy by the arm, but he could only grab air.
"Hey Regulus, breathe" Lupin said, moving around to try and shield the boy from the view of the other students.
The youngest of the Black children hadn't even realized when he'd held his breath, but suddenly he could feel his stomach churning and his breath failing, his eyes burned, and he wanted to throw up, but his hands were shaking and- and it was too much. It was all too much, and he couldn't concentrate and do those breathing exercises that Sirius taught him, because trying made him think of Sirius and it was too much. And then he was here with his brother's friends and Regulus liked them but now he could only think that they were Sirius' and that was that. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius-
"Regulus"
Narcissa Black was a seventh-year student, head girl, and more importantly, Regulus' favorite cousin. She definitely wasn't Sirius who knew better than anyone how to deal with his brother's anxiety attacks, but considering it was Sirius who caused it in the first place, Narcissa was a better option.
"Reg, in and out, in and out. Just like that. Give me your hands, okay? Now come with me, let's go to the dungeons." Still keeping a cold face but eyes warm with concern, Narcissa began to guide her younger cousin to the dungeons stairs.
"Wait, you can't take Regulus like this"
"Potter, right? As lovely as your concern for my cousin is, trust me when I say I'm not going to eat him."
"That's not-"
"Pot- James is fine, I need to go" Regulus spoke slowly as he tried to keep his breathing as steady as possible.
"Be careful, we'll talk to Sirius" said Remus who took James's hand, giving a painful squeeze to prevent him from saying anything else.
"What the hell was that mate?"
"James, this is not the time"
"No, no. I think this is the right time, Pete. Tell me Black, what the hell was that scene you just did about?" Remus said, giving Sirius a disapproving look who was lying on his bed.
"He's like them, that's what it was all about. He's just another dirty snake, sorry if I wasn't exactly thrilled that my baby brother is going to end up just another manipulative asshole."
The three boys did not believe what they heard. This was the same Sirius who hadn't failed a single day to answer his brother's letters, the same one who had spoken of him as if he were an angel incarnate, and who nearly gouged out Remus' eyes when he and Regulus began exchanging book recommendations. And now he had turned 180 degrees, and none of them could for the life of them understand why.
"How can you say that? He-"
"James"
"-is clearly not like that. I've only talked to him one day and even-"
"James"
"-I know he's not like the other Slytherins. What kind of-"
"James!" the increasingly aggressive voice of the boy with glasses was cut off when Peter Pettigrew decided that enough had been enough. Something was clearly wrong with Sirius and yelling at him wasn't going to do much good "Sirius, no...I don't know what you're thinking but you're certainly not clear. You obviously need time to think this through so let's all go to bed. Isn't that a good idea, Remus?"
Remus sighed "You were rude tonight, Sirius, that's all I'm going to tell you."
The next day Regulus tries again to approach Sirius at breakfast, but before he reaches the Gryffindor table, his older brother has already grabbed a piece of toast and left the great hall.
"Just give him some time" Peter said, trying to give the crestfallen dark-haired boy some confidence.
"I... I'll do that"
"Hey Black, are you coming?" From the doorway a brown haired Slytherin boy shouted and raised his hand to get Regulus' attention.
"If you need anything, don't hesitate to find us" James looked suspiciously at Regulus' classmate - friend? - from Slytherin and even though Remus stomped on him, he still made sure to make contact with the boy.
With a hesitant nod, Regulus walked over to Barty Crouch, his housemate, and together they set off for their classes.
James wasn't angry, was he disappointed? Definitely, but angry? No, he really didn't think Sirius could do anything to make him angry, he didn't really think Sirius could do anything to disappoint him either but that was before he ran away or deliberately walked past his brother. Maybe if he hadn't listened to Sirius rave about his brother for a whole year and seeing how that same brother was just a little boy who missed his older brother, James might have sided with Sirius when he said that Regulus was just another annoying, rude, cowardly, conceited Slytherin.
In an abstract way James had an idea of who Regulus Black is, moreover, he had confirmed that idea just by spending a train ride with the boy. It was ridiculous to think that Regulus was anything but a sweet boy. James knew what Slytherins were like-or at least he thought he did-and if there was anyone who would end up being an exception to the rule it was Regulus. For Sirius to put his little brother on the same level as Severus Snape or Mulciber was laughable and insulting.
Remus seemed to agree with him on this, but that was no surprise, Remus along with Peter were always reticent when James and Sirius got into an altercation with their rival house. Naturally Remus would find Sirius' thought process ridiculous. And although Regulus had started to run away from them, Remus had at least managed to spend quiet afternoons in the library every other day.
James wasn't that successful, with Regulus returning his greetings in the hallway but constantly surrounded by two of his housemates. At least James hadn't seen either of the Slytherins hurl curses and insults at anyone else.
As for Peter, that was a surprise. James knew that Peter is a great friend, more loyal than a dog. But he didn't know how loyal he could be and how empathetic he could get. He had been the only one patient enough to try to talk to Sirius, he treated him, forgiving him of anything out of place he said and encouraged him to be less harsh with his brother. But everyone has a limit and when it became clear that Sirius wasn't going to admit what was really bothering him, Peter decided enough had been enough. Still, James gave him points for holding out for so long.
"You're going to talk to him"
"I refuse"
"Do you think that was a suggestion?"
"I don't think I care. I won't talk to him, and you can't make me"
"You're being ridiculous"
"Why the fuck do you care so much?"
"Maybe because if it was one of my sisters who suddenly decides and treats me like vomit, I would feel like shit"
"Yeah well, Regulus doesn't have feelings, so you don't have to worry about that."
“How the hell did you manage to be in the top 5 students when every time you open your mouth you spew some stupid shit?”
“Okay, let's calm down. Peter, I agree with you, but in the end, it will be Sirius who suffers the consequences of his decisions. Now, Sirius, if you could be a good friend and go to the kitchens for a sandwich for me."
"Why should I-"
"Merlin my back!"
“Double cheese, right? I'll be right back"
"You just-"
“Manipulate Sirius into doing what I want by making him feel guilty for punching me in the back even though I expressly told him it hurt this morning? Of course, not Jamie, now if you could pass me my book of charms. We have to take advantage of peace while Sirius is not here”
Things took a turn for the better a couple of days later, what exactly had happened James didn't know. But Sirius had decided to try to get his head out of his ass and coincidentally, Ernest McLaggen seemed terrified of him now.
“You three are absolutely, permanently forbidden to even think about dating my little brother. Regulus is strictly prohibited from dating before 40 and, no offense, none of you meet my standards."
"Oh no, what am I supposed to do now with these feelings eating away at my heart?" Remus said from the comfort of his bed in a dry tone and without looking up from his book.
"No Remus, Sirius will have to kill you now." Peter looked very amused as Sirius paled.
"Are you talking seriously?"
"Of course not Sirius, though..."
"Though? Remus you can't leave me like this."
Surprisingly James had a strange feeling in his stomach after listening to Sirius, and he only half listened as Remus and Peter made fun of his best friend without daring to join in. Rare indeed, it must have been adolescence.
Once the whole issue between Sirius and Regulus was resolved, James decided that he could now devote all his time to Lily. With renewed courage, having recovered from the series of failures of his first year, James Potter swore on his name, his parents and his honor that this year he would do everything possible to increase his chances of getting a date in Hogsmeade on next year.
In October he planned a situation together with Peeves so he could look like a hero: too bad Lily Evans won't need a knight in shining armor to chase away a couple of spiders.
In November he tried to impress her by jumping into the black lake to show her bravery. Lily of course thought there was nothing more idiotic than stepping into freezing water and splashing her with mud.
In December James sent her a beautifully designed glass flower. This particular gift was appreciated by Lily, but she ended up returning it to James considering it too expensive.
In January, James ruined any progress when his attempt to bring breakfast to her room ends with Lily drenched in orange juice and egg. At least James learned that Lily clearly didn't appreciate being woken up by an enthusiastic first year.
In February he decided on the direct approach, but every time he got close to Lily she would run off in any other direction. This is the only time Lily Evans is on record skipping class.
In March he bribes Regulus to make him a dozen cookies. Too bad James was never able to deliver them as Severus Snape had yelled at him to go to hell and leave his friend alone, to which James responded with a slime charm that finally sparked a full-fledged battle.
In April, James didn't have to do anything. The opportunity presented itself only when he caught a couple of fifth year Slytherin girls hurling insults at Lily's back. She thanked him for casting the silencing spell on them, but also told him that she didn't need any help and that she could handle it on her own.
In May for some reason James became convinced that Lily must be a secret Quidditch fanatic. Because you know, Lily is perfect obviously she likes sports too. The limited-edition Jane Hollipock stamp ended up being received with a confused face.
In June Lily approached James and asked him to please leave her alone that month, she had to study for her exams after all.
The year ended with zero successes and one hundred percent failures.
The third year began with an intervention. After Lily snapped at James when he gave her a box of peacock quills, Remus decided to take his friend aside and have a serious talk with him.
“Dude, I know you like her. But you won't accomplish anything if you keep harassing her like this."
“What am I supposed to do then? Wait until she suddenly realizes that she likes me?”
“Yes, that is exactly what you will do. Don't wait for her to realize that she likes you but leave her alone. Try… a calmer approach.”
Of course, Remus knew that Lily didn't like James and the odds weren't in his favor, but he didn't have the heart to shatter all of his friend's dreams either. He knew that he didn't have bad intentions, it's just that he was making a useless effort.
“Just think about it, yes James? Hopefully by the time February comes around she'll agree to go out with you."
It had become routine that every Friday morning Regulus Black would take a seat at the Gryffindor table with Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier as his faithful companions. The three children seemed inseparable and extremely protective and clingy towards each other. Barty was mostly the one who seemed physically unable to avoid touching one of his friends: an arm around their shoulders, hands grabbing, hair playing. Any way that allowed him to be close to his two friends was welcome.
The other two boys seemed to have gotten used to this behavior quickly, and the rest of the school eventually stopped seeing it as weird. Even Sirius who was well known for wanting to steal his brother's attention from time to time, seemed to have accepted the idea that Regulus had acquired two other people as part of the package.
Who still didn't seem to get used to the idea was James Potter. Not that James said anything, it was more the way he always looked at the Crouch boy like he was holding back from starting a fight.
"Could you pass me that plate, Potter?"
"Are your hands too busy?"
In fact, Barty's hands were busy, more specifically they were busy playing with Regulus's hair.
“Which one do you need? The cheese plate?”
“That same one, thank you very much Ev, dear”
“Do you want to be fed too, Crouch?”
"Are you offering yourself Potter?"
"No one is offering to do anything, so if you could just shut up" taking a cheese from the plate, Regulus pushed it into Barty's mouth, without taking his eyes off his astronomy book.
Sirius's choking sound drew the attention of the children, who turned to watch as the eldest of the Black brothers spat a piece of potato onto the table and pointed wildly at the ceiling. A black owl that was equal parts scary and beautiful was flying aggressively at them.
The bird didn't even stop to pick up any treats, just dropped two letters into black envelopes and left. Some other people in the room turned to look curiously, intrigued as to why correspondence would be sent at that time of day, but in general the atmosphere seemed oblivious to the bomb that would go off.
James, who was next to Sirius and thus only a wave away from the envelopes, could see an overly fancy handwriting sign each brother's name on the front of each letter.
Sirius, who was more than used to his mother's favorite method of communication, howlers, found it curious that today she decided to go the civilized way. And so, he opened his letter, expecting to receive perhaps important news, and boy was it important. Splendid, magnificent, amazing, wonderful. Any adjective fell short before the majesty of such a gift.
"Mate this is amazing, y-" two things happened at the same time: number one, James's hair stood up and number two, the left half of his body was covered in chocolate "you could stay at my house!"
"Reg is everything okay?" Beside James, Evan Rosier seemed less concerned about the chocolate dripping from his hair and more concerned about his statue-like friend. Regulus was still, you couldn't even feel him breathing.
But he was and even better, he breathed freedom.
James liked to think he was a good friend, amazing even. He didn't have Sirius Black's ego, but he knew that his greatest quality would always be to be the best friend possible. So, good friend that he was, there was no question in his mind that Sirius and Regulus MUST go to his house for the holidays.
They were to experience a typical Potter-style Christmas, with no trees to bite, bland food, expensive but empty gifts, and rich old families with silly ideas.
"-and mom will let us decorate the tree, right mom?"
“Yes James. But first perhaps it would be good if Sirius and Regulus could unpack.” Euphemia Potter heaved a tired but affectionate sigh. James was a ball of energy, almost bouncing off the walls with happiness ever since she and her husband had picked up the kids from the station. Her beloved son did not stop planning and planning what he had called himself The best vacation of the century.
"Thank you very much for letting us stay here on such short notice, Mrs. Potter," Regulus said.
“You can call me Euphemia love, and it's not a problem. You and your brother are more than welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go finish dinner, make yourselves comfortable"
“Thank you, Mrs. Euphemia,”
“Thank you, ma’am,”
“Usually Dad cooks, but he had a call from the ministry. How are you feeling?" James flopped down on the bed where Sirius was taking his things out, a huge smile accompanying him.
“Everything is amazing Jamie. Your mother is truly amazing,” Sirius said as Regulus nodded in agreement.
"They've been very kind," said the smaller boy giving a small smile that caught James' attention.
It was pretty obvious to everyone that on the morning of February 14 Lily Evans had had a rough day. The rumor of a student brewing a love potion and getting caught by her was going around the student body, and while it sounded unbelievable it could definitely explain the redhead's irritable mood. James of course seemed not to have noticed all the signs that revealed Lily's difficult mood, or else he had chosen to ignore them.
And so James, who had followed Remus's advice about giving space and time to the letter, didn't think twice when he followed Lily as she crossed the viaduct bridge.
“I told you I won't go out with you James. It's that easy!"
“B-but… why? Is there something wrong with me Lily?" James wasn't as surprised by Lily's words as he was by the way she said them. She had spoken angrily to him before, but now she sounded furious and, underneath it all, a little sad.
Over the years Lily had learned one thing about James: he wasn't a bad person. He could actually be very sweet and a great friend, he was still a jerk to anyone who would wear green and silver, but given Lily's own experience with Slytherins, she couldn't muster much sympathy for them. But the fact that Lily could recognize that James wasn't the worst human being – he was infuriating and had turned his intensity down a lot after the first year – didn't mean that Lily had to automatically like James. She wasn't interested in any of that, she had liked people of course, but she was 14 years old and the last of her priorities was to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
“There is nothing wrong with you James. I don't like you and that's all, and I think you don't like me either, not as you seem to think."
"What?"
"Tell me James, why do you like me?"
“Because you are… you are pretty, it is you”
"And what does that mean?"
"That... means it's you."
"James, do you know what my favorite color is?"
"Red"
“It's white. Let's see what about my interests, do you even know which is my favorite sport?"
"Isn't it Quidditch?"
"I don't understand it, but my favorite is soccer."
“I don't see how any of these things have anything to do with my feelings. I could-"
“That's what I'm going for James, you like me for my physique maybe, but you can't shout that you love me when we don't really know each other. I know how you see me, and sometimes it feels like you see something else, something I'm not. I'm not a damsel in distress and I'm not some kind of fairytale character. I'm real James, but your feelings for me, I don't think they're real. And I don't want to tell you how you should feel, but I think my opinion is important in this” at the end of her speech Lily felt breathless, her face was flushed, and she felt that her hands were trembling a little.
"No... I didn't want you to feel like this"
"I know, I know James" she took deep breaths trying to catch her breath. What a beautiful morning she thought, the sky was so blue "You know I think we could actually be friends"
"Is that so?"
“Yes, but not while you keep thinking there might be something more. I don't want anything more Potter, and nothing you do will change my mind."
"Sorry, I must have been a nuisance"
“You were,” she laughed, “but it's okay. You're not a bad person James, and I'm glad you understood"
After much thought James believed he understood what Lily had meant. He had come to accept that Lily might have been right, that the fact that he didn't feel heartbroken spoke volumes about his feelings for her. He felt ashamed, a little desolate, but shattered?
"Sirius, what is love?" both boys were sitting outside the hospital wing under James's cloak. It must have been almost five in the morning, but Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let them in until 7 to see Remus, so they would stay here and wait. Peter meanwhile slept comfortably on Sirius's shoulder.
"Love... When you like someone, I guess." Sirius squirmed uncomfortably.
"Have you ever loved someone?"
"Well, I love you, my brother, Cousin Andromeda, Peter and... Remus."
"I don't mean that kind of love, rather... Have you loved someone romantically?"
“No” the amortentia potion he thought, the potion that still caused him uneasiness and that he didn't understand “I don't know what love is James, and- and why are you suddenly so interested in this huh?
"I talked to Lily" James turned his face towards Sirius and was surprised that the other boy was already looking at him "I talked to her on Valentine's Day and I don't think I love her"
“You have been since your first year, first day, first second saying that you love her. Have you change your mind? Because if is that, look, really better for you. She and I get along better but there are still days where I just want to pull her hair."
"You complain about her so much but don't think I haven't seen how you two can go more than 5 minutes now without a fight" he bumped their shoulders as he laughed silently "But doesn't that seem weird to you? "
“That Evans and I get along? Mate, I think Remus... is more than relieved that we're both civilized now.” That was another thing James had had on his mind, the way Sirius used to hesitate when he mentioned or was with Remus. There was nothing out of the ordinary between the two boys, they were still the same friends who listened to music together, but ever since Valentine's Day Sirius had seemed a bit out of it when it came to Remus.
"That's not what I mean, but rather how I seemed to love Lily so quickly."
“Well… I guess it was a bit weird. But you were the one with the feelings Jamie, if you said you loved her then you loved her”
“I don't think I ever loved her. And you know, I think she's right, because… Because at the end of the day what was there to love?
"What are you talking about?"
"Love has to be more than superficial, right?" James had really thought about this a lot, but he still had a hard time understanding what love was then. If what he felt for Lily was an attraction and yet he felt this strong and enveloping, then what would be in love feel like? "I want to know how it is"
"Then get yourself a girlfriend"
"Mate-"
“No, no, no, listen. Maybe that's what we should do: meet new people, go out with a couple of them. Maybe then you'll know what love is, Jamie” and the smile he gave him was a little sad and a little excited, as if Sirius desperately wanted to find the answer too.
Sirius was clearly more excited than James to go out with anyone who gave him the chance. Not even three days after Sirius proposed the idea, he was already dating Mary Mcdonald, the most cheerful and daring person James knows and also the person who had had a kind of crush on his best friend since the second year.
Things didn't work out though, and by the time April came around they would have ended their relationship. Why only they would know, what was public knowledge was the way Sirius had made out with Kingsley Shakelbot – a student a year older of Hufflepuff – at Peter's birthday party on the same day things would end with Mary.
Lily had made a valiant attempt to defend the honor of her friend, and she wasn't the only one, everyone in Gryffindor house had a special affection for Mary, but she had only laughed and encouraged her ex-boyfriend.
However, what James remembers most about that night was the way Mary cried silently when the party was over.
“I really liked him James, but he's not for me.” James didn't know what love was yet, but now he knew what a broken heart looked like.
James had tried to go out with a couple of people but in the end, he could never commit to them. Even kissing them was awkward at times, let alone dating. He had only tried to date two persons before giving up and ending things amicably. Fortunately, none of the people he had had a thing with had ended up hating him or anything, they just laughed when he explained that he didn't want anything serious and went on with whatever they were doing.
The first half of the fourth year followed the same dynamic: with James having the occasional encounter and Sirius going out of his way to find a new partner every week. Meanwhile Remus seemed increasingly distant with Sirius, reluctant to be in the same place where he would be kissing his new partner.
James had his guesses as to what could have Remus like this, but he had learned that with Lupin sometimes it was best to let him come forward to tell his problems.
But leaving that part aside, there is no better reality check than seeing your worst fear come true in front of your eyes. And hell froze if his best friend didn't seem one step away from falling off a cliff.
And all because Remus, definitely fed up with having to watch his crush parade around the school and make out at every opportunity with everyone but him, decided he might as well try to get over a childhood crush. A nail drives out another nail after all.
For Lily's birthday party, Remus decided to bring a date: Benjy Fenwick. That had been a double surprise with Remus officially going on a date and incidentally dating Benjy, his unofficial Ravenclaw school rival. This was the first time Remus had brought someone up in such a serious way, usually settling for casual dates which were much more discreet than Sirius or James.
And so, that was the beginning of what James called "Sirius Black's fall into madness" James didn't even know it was possible to have so many accidental magic attacks at 15, but his best friend was setting a precedent. Every time Sirius saw Remus and his boyfriend together something was up and everyone in Gryffindor tower was soon taking notice.
It was a gamble, only a matter of time before Sirius Black exploded and no one wanted to be around when it happened. Regulus had even tried to talk to his brother about his problem and in response had caused a monumental fight in the middle of the hallway.
"I am not the one who is going to judge you for your life decisions. But I just want you to know that you are being an idiot"
"Forgive me?"
"I don't know what you're up to with Lupin but either you fix your shit or: You. Fix. Your. Shit." Sirius had of course taken offense and towered the few inches he had above his younger brother.
"Is it really necessary for you to speak your mind quite so mercilessly at every opportunity?"
"Well, where do you think I get that from?"
From then on, many other things had been shouted, among which Sirius stood out calling Regulus a prude and Regulus shouting at his brother how much the inconsiderate asshole could go to hell in four languages.
And like any fight they'd had since childhood, Regulus had left some food for him outside the Gryffindor common room and Sirius had gotten him a packet of chocolate butterflies as an apology, but not before lashing out at anyone who crossed his path… Remus among them.
The mother of fights took place that same night, neither the cold March night was as cold as Remus's voice, nor were the mandrakes as noisy as Sirius. Yelling, name-calling, verbal carnage that escalated into physical violence, or at least what Peter and James initially thought was physical violence.
"James! My eyes, fuck wait until we get out. Holy shit!"
"Peter, I think Remus is eating Sirius."
"James, we have to get out. Now!"
"Why is Remus eating Sirius?"
Peter decided not to dignify that with an answer and dragged James out of the room before Sirius could make a weird noise again. James looked blank, still not understanding what exactly had happened. Peter guessed it must be the trauma, and what a strange way it worked, he himself felt traumatized but wanted to gouge out his eyes.
A week later Remus and Sirius hadn't spoken to each other, but during that time Remus' relationship with Benjy came to an end and by the time they reached two weeks of ice cold there would be another fight that would end in another bout of "physical violence". Needless to say, neither James nor Peter was happy to find out that Sirius Black seemed to have a thing for being insulted.
The fifth year is the beginning of what the Gryffindor team knows as the reign of terror. The definition of dictator had to be readjusted to portray the image of James Potter as team captain, and the rest of the house teams could only feel sorry for the exploitation of the players. It was hard but it paid off.
It's also the end of Remus and Sirius' honeymoon time, no more kissing on all surfaces, no more losing into each other's eyes, no more Peter and James having to sleep in the common room. They were already a more secure couple in their relationship and there was no one more grateful for it than the Hogwarts students.
Sirius Black had learned what love was, he had understood what at 14 years old he had struggled to accept but at almost 16 had become his entire world.
The beauty is in its ephemerality. The only way something can be made more beautiful than it was if it is reborn.
James Potter didn't get his answer to what love was firsthand, he got it from his friends. He learned what love was when he watched Remus use colored highlighters on his notes to make it easier for Sirius to study. He learned what love was from Sirius as he interviewed every Welsh student on how to say compliments in the language.
Maybe that was why James reacted the way he did when Sirius betrayed all the trust, they had put in him.
"Why did you do that? Why? Tell me Sirius why?!" they were in the bedroom, hours after the full moon and hours after Moony had almost killed Snape.
"James"
"No, don't try to defend him" he turned, his finger pointing at Peter to make the point "He has to tell me, he has to give me a fucking reason"
"I- I didn't. James, I didn't think-"
"You didn't think? You threw away Remus's life because you didn't think? Who do you think you are?!"
"James let him talk"
"Snape he... He was saying something and I... I just told him."
"And what did Snape tell you?"
"I don't know, I don't remember. But James…James if I had known I wouldn't have done it" Sirius Black was anything but Sirius Black, there was no pride, no bravado, just plain old emptiness.
"Don't try to hide behind that, you're not a fucking kid Sirius. What you did, what this means. Remus loves you; Peter loves you; I love you!... and I don't know if I can do it after tonight."
"James…James, don't say that. I love you, I love Remus." He looked up in despair, and almost wished he hadn't. Not if it means never having to see James's eyes burn with rage and tears, but he deserved it. Anything James did to him, he deserved it.
"If you loved him, you wouldn't have done this, look how far your idiocy has gotten us. This isn't just anything, have you even thought about the consequences this will have for Remus? Couldn't you just punch Snape in the fucking face? You just had to go and act so selfish. Let's see, what? Snivellus says a couple of rude words to you and suddenly you become this insensitive-"
"James! Stop it or you'll say something you regret. Sirius, I like to think you didn't mean this to happen but what's done is done. Unless you get a Time-Turner, we can't help it and the last thing we need is to keep dividing ourselves."
"How can you not hate him? Peter, what he did to Remus is disgusting." James sounded offended; he was offended. He could only think of Remus and how devastated he would be once he woke up.
"He's my friend James, you're my friend Sirius. You will always be my friends and I'm not telling you that we should forget it, but at the end of the day the one who has the last word is Remus"
"You're going to beg forgiveness; you're going to crawl if necessary"
"I will do anything"
Anything was not what Remus wanted, he didn't really want anything. He had once dared to covet, and life had responded by reminding him of what he was. He had loved Sirius and it was Sirius himself who took it upon himself to spit in his face.
It is the sound of the fireplace that brings Euphemia and Fleamont Potter out of the kitchen. They are only three in their family with very few people who are allowed to enter and even fewer who would do so without anticipation. These are tense times, and they know better than to appear before a possible threat without their wand on guard.
They approach slowly, even their breaths held in anticipation. They don't know what's waiting for them at the entrance of their home, but all things considered, they doubt it's a good thing.
Two indistinct shapes blur against the firelight, the room is dark, and they can't see clearly. The two forms don't move but gasp for breath and then collapse.
They stand in the doorway, deliberating whether it would be safe to move forward. But then they hear a groan of pain from a young voice, and all they can think about is James. That this could be their son hurt in some way – it is, they might never have believed that so late in life they would get more than one son, but they did.
When they turn on the light in the room they see Sirius on his knees, Regulus glued to his side passed out. The wands are still out and it is clear that Sirius is shaken, he is shaken, and the adrenaline is everywhere, he is shaken and wastes no time pulling his wand out and pointing it at the two adults.
He can't think, there's no time for it, the only thing that matters is that there are two wands pointed at him, and his baby brother depends on him to protect him.
"Bombarda!
"Protego" - "Protego!"
They are both surprised at the power of the charm, and at how much it talks about Sirius' magical ability to be able to almost break a double shield spell. Smoke engulfs everything and clouds their vision for the few seconds it takes to disappear, and when it does the teen still maintains incredible determination.
Sirius is still breathing heavily, still holding his wand up, scared. He's always scared when he's in that house, but this doesn't look like his house. And he is so, so tired.
"Alright son, just breathe" He doesn't know who's talking, but it doesn't sound like his father, not his uncle, not his grandfather "Can I come closer?"
He nods hesitantly and goes through all the motions. The man walks over and kneels in front of him, a thought in the back of his mind whispering that it's okay, that he knows this person, that he's safe. But he still holds his wand and his brother tightly.
"Very good, excellent Sirius." Fleamont keeps his hands in the air, his wand nowhere to be seen. His wife remains in the background, silent: they know who did this, why Sirius is bleeding and why Regulus doesn't wake up. They know it, and they know it's better if the one who approaches is someone the furthest from Walburga Black.
"Sirius, I know you're not going to like this, but you have to let Regulus go."
"No, you're not going to take it from me"
"You are bleeding son, and I need to know how you two are" he gives Sirius a minute to think about it, he half expects the boy to lose consciousness to make everything easier but it is clear that he is stubborn, and Fleamont can 't help but smile for it; even beside himself, Sirius refuses to give up "It'll only be a moment and then I promise you that no one will separate the two of you"
Sirius gently lets his brother lay his head in his lap. He feels his vision blur and for a moment it clears enough to recognize the person in front of him. Only then does Sirius allow himself to sleep.
"Oh my god Flea"
"We have to call the healers, honey" He doesn't have to look around to know that Euphemia is already conjuring a patronus for it. The jay flies over him as it breaks through the wall.
"How are they?" almost fearing that Sirius might still be awake, Euphemia slowly approaches, still expectantly of the fireplace. Her eyes never left the fireplace, but something in her tells her that she won't come.
"Sirius seems like the worse of the two, though that only makes me worry about Regulus more"
"There's a lot of dark magic coming out of them" her hands tremble a little as she runs her fingers through Sirius's curls, who rests on her husband's shoulder "they're so young"
"They're not going back there Effie"
"No, they will not"
More than 30 years after their attempts to start a large family began, Euphemia and Fleamont Potter welcomed two more children into their home. Though they like to think they were always meant to be theirs, long before they first met at a train station.
The noise of the explosion attracts James' attention. He is outside in the wide garden, sitting watching the stars. He is still tired, not long ago was crying on his mother's lap after telling her about the mess he ended the year with. But any trace of weariness is erased when the sound of the explosion reaches him.
For a moment he doubts if the smart thing to do would be to go in or wait. But in the end fear overcomes reason and he starts running towards the house. Moments like these are where he hates how the mansion is so spacious, he feels so far away and yet so close.
Before he can open the door, a glow coming from the side of the house attracts his attention, a sight that he has rarely seen greets him: his mother's patronus that disappears into thin air. That makes him nervous, and so he opens the door.
Not a sound is heard in the hallway, but the further he goes the more he thinks he can recognize his mother's soft tone.
Already 4 years ago, James had given a small piece of paper to Sirius. It was a small thing, a gesture that in the grand scheme of things meant very little in the situation in which his best friend was living. If he was honest, James had felt that it was more of an insult than a real help, but now when he walks into the hall and recognizes Sirius and Regulus at the foot of the fireplace, he is relieved.
Blood is oozing from Sirius, his long sleeve turtleneck is torn in many places and his hair is so matted it's strange to look at. Regulus has a jagged cut on his neck, dried blood staining his green sweater. He looks calm, serene, and very pale.
"What happened? I heard... I heard an explosion"
"It was Sirius, he was upset and reacted as he saw fit. I don't think he recognized who we were."
His father looks stressed, it is suddenly obvious that he is a man of almost 60 years. That realization coupled with the blood sticking to his shirt from where Sirius rests on his shoulder makes James fear for his dad. He is old, and death shows no mercy even for the youngest.
"Honey you're going to hurt yourself" his mom stretches out his hand to open his fist. There are fingernail marks on his palm "It's going to be alright Jamie, healers are on their way"
"They are alive?"
"Of course!"
James feels bad for asking, it's clear that his mother is just as shocked as he is and it's insensitive to ask something like that.
"How about you go upstairs to get the room ready for the boys?" Fleamont tries to give him a smile, and James gets the unspoken message: go away, you don't have to be here to hear "They don't want to be apart"
"I'll do it later, I want to be here"
Fleamont and Euphemia share a look and nod in agreement. They have raised a boy sure of himself and stubborn to heaven, if James really wants to stay there will not be much they can do to get him out.
"-Note two bruised ribs, a broken left wrist, dislocated collarbone, failed curse melts organs. Magic exhaustion"
"There are signs of a cruciatus curse here, further evaluation is needed. Concussion and possible nervous system damage."
"Should we call the DMLE?"
"Are you an idiot? Don't you recognize these kids? The Blacks would have you dead before you could say anything." they mumble some other rude and out of place things, but James' mind is far away from it.
Sometimes James forgets how important the Black family is, sometimes he forgets the corruptibility of the Ministry. Not everyone is as honorable as their parents and not everyone has the power to oppose such a family.
"If only you could focus on taking care of the boys" his father stands firmly between the two beds. He doesn't recall seeing his father ever lose his temper, but right now he looks like he will.
His mother is outside the room discussing with the head healer of St. Mungo’s, aggressively arguing why it is impossible to take the children to the hospital and why they should be cared for here, unless they want the possibility of Walburga Black breaking into the reception.
James really admires his parents.
Patience is a virtue and James is convinced that he was not blessed with it. He has already sent letters to Peter and, after some hesitation, to Remus, explaining the events of the first night of summer vacation and extending an invitation to come and visit when both brothers wake up.
Peter had answered affirmative, Remus had politely declined the invitation.
He had even found a way to communicate with Crouch and, through him, with Evan. For obvious reasons Evan didn't even respond and Crouch ordered him to send him updates regularly and said that he would soon have it on his doorstep.
The first to wake up was Regulus, he was beside himself and shaking like a leaf. He had opened his eyes two days after Sirius dragged him from the fireplace and hadn't said anything. Nothing coherent at least, because he had laughed, shouted and cried. The healers who monitored them 24 hours a day had had to put him to sleep almost immediately.
"Stress, a panic attack and the consequences of the cruciatus curse. All together it's a bad combination"
"What will happen the next time he wakes up?"
"We can't say Mr Potter, but if we administer a couple of sedatives before we induce him to wake up, we might avoid such a violent reaction."
In the end it was decided that Regulus would be kept asleep until his brother woke up, hoping that way he would at least have a familiar figure by his side to calm him down.
James felt like a coward for dreading the moment Sirius woke up. He didn't feel ready to face Sirius again, tired of fight and flight. Just thinking about the last few weeks of school was stressful, with Remus running from them like the plague and James not having been able to look Sirius in the eye.
Sirius' bed canopy was enchanted to show the night sky, something that had given him comfort since he was a child. A little curious that the person who will charm it has ceased to be an image of comfort, and instead was a source of pain. Bellatrix Black, soon Lestrange, was so good at charms and at time so good to her cousins.
It felt weird waking up and not seeing that canopy. In its place was a creamy white ceiling that was vaguely familiar. He felt weird not being cold and instead having a soft blanket covering him. He felt weird waking up and knowing there was no danger nearby.
But weirder was waking up and not having his brother sleeping next to him. It was summer, they always slept in the same bed in summer. So where was he?
There was no sunlight, his wand was nowhere near him, and shadows played in his mind as potential enemies. He ripped the sheet off his body and tried to get to his feet—try the code word, because he barely got out of bed and ended up collapsing on the floor.
His abdomen ached, ached from the inside as if his organs were made of jelly. In his fall he had knocked something off the nightstand, something loud and brittle. He tried to get back to his feet and fell again, snagging pieces of the broken object in his hand.
"Reg... Reggie?" couldn't get up, and that frustrated him so much. He couldn't see anything and that made him feel vulnerable. He didn't have his little brother near him and that scared him.
"Regulus!"
"Sirius?" the light blinded him for a moment, in the doorway the figure of Euphemia Potter attracted his attention "What happened to your hand?"
Euphemia waved her wand sending the broken glass back to her original state. The crystal in Sirius's hand went flying and with another flick of her wand a bandage was wrapped around it.
"Here sweetie let me help you" she gently helps the boy up and sit on his bed.
"W-where is my brother?"
"Behind you" she gave him a kind smile.
Seeing his brother Sirius could breathe. It settled as a reality, a loosening chain. If Regulus hadn't been here, there would be no freedom to feel because a part of him would always be locked up, wherever his brother was, he would always have a part of him.
When the healers arrived and checked on the oldest of the boys, they would quickly force him down potion after potion. In the same way, they would quickly begin preparations to wake up the minor.
At no time since Sirius woke up had James come to see him, and he knew better than to ask about him.
"Very well Sirius, before waking up Regulus there are a couple of things you should know" the healer had paused in his wand movements "First, it is very possible that he will experience some kind of seizure, convulsions, delirium... It is completely expected, and we will take care of preventing him from getting hurt. Second, I'm afraid that until now we haven't been able to assess the damage caused by the cruciatus curse, so the range of possibilities is very wide. Fortunately, the exposure time does not appear to have been very long and hopefully it will be considerable but treatable nerve damage."
"Nerve damage?"
“He could have tremors, memory loss, numbness, he could even have regular dissociation episodes in the future. I recommend you both visit a mental healer; trauma can be even worse than any physical ailment."
Sirius just gave her a nod, on his left side Euphemia clasped his hand and on his right side Fleamont rested a hand on his shoulder.
When Regulus woke up, he was clearly drugged, his eyes were blurry, and his voice was slurred "Si-us."
"Good morning starshine" he tried to take his brother's hand, but at the slightest touch his thin fingers began to twitch.
“Siri”
“Hey, hey. Don't cry, little star, everything is fine."
"Siri, it hurts."
"I imagine that...I imagine that it does Reggie." Sirius looked at the healer with pleading eyes.
“I will administer an anesthetic potion” the woman began to search in her briefcase and soon took out a purple liquid “Regulus, I need you to take this. It will numb your body to avoid further discomfort”
"Go ahead Reggie" Sirius said when his brother looked at him scared.
Hours later, the healer left for the hospital, leaving the boys with clear instructions on the potions and foods they should consume. She had specifically confined Regulus to bed until further notice and had made it clear to Sirius that the more hours he spent in bed the better.
It was clear that beyond the unforgivable curse, what placed Regulus in a situation of greater care was due to his sicker disposition, and the fragility of his body. Sirius was so hurt by this, the fact that their mother had screwed them up so much that no matter what he did nothing would keep his brother from being more fragile than any child his age, that there were things that would always remind them of where they came from.
Sirius and Regulus wouldn't be Sirius and Regulus if they didn't manage to form an argument. Most of the time their fights fell on the playful side, but occasionally they became too serious for either of them to bear.
Euphemia of course had expected no less, as much as Sirius had hovered like a hawk around his brother, refusing to abandon him as her husband had foreseen, it was only a matter of time before either of them would explode.
So, when she was going upstairs to bring the children breakfast, she wasn't surprised when she heard the start of an argument. She had stopped outside the room, leaving the two children to unload whatever they had to say but pending her intervention.
"-I have to return. Kreacher, I can't leave him."
"You're not thinking of going back just for a fucking elf?"
“He's not just an elf, he’s my friend. I can't leave him there Sirius, I won't see him again-"
“Then so be it, he has never done anything good for us. Just there, watching that dirty bitch break our bones. Tell me Regulus, where was your damn elf when mom left you in the snow? Where was when she starved me?"
“It's not his fault! He can't disobey her, he did what he could with what he had. You never liked him, you always hated him, but I don't. He's my friend and… It's not fair. You are not fair to him."
"I won't let you go back just to look for him, you don't even know if he wants to come"
“But at least I would have tried,” he said, the frustration clear in his voice.
"I'm sorry Regulus, but if you do, I'll go after you and then none of us can get out again."
“Okay, time out. Regulus sweetness it's not good that you get so upset, and you Sirius, you need to rest. So please go out for some air, darling.” She gave the two boys stern but sympathetic looks.
"Not until Regulus promises he won't do anything stupid."
"Sirius, please. Your brother can't even stand up, now please go to the garden and calm down."
For a brief moment it looked like Sirius was more than willing to argue. Arguing the same way he did with his ma- Walburga.
"Yeah okay. Alright. Sorry… I'm sorry for all the problems”
"It's no problem" she placed her hand on his cheek, before letting him go "How are you feeling?" she said as she put all her attention on Regulus.
“Do you think he's right? About Kreacher?
“Do you want to know what I really think?”
"Please"
“I think your brother has very valid reasons for not liking him, but that doesn't mean they're rational. The greatest defect of us magicians is to forget that there is nothing special about us, not enough to warrant believing ourselves superior to other living beings. Elves are such fascinating and sad beings; we have made them completely enslaved to us and in the process stripped them of any humanity. We have made them what they are and then, not satisfied with that, we despise them for it.
“I think darling that it is very noble that this kind of thought has not stayed with you, but I must agree with your brother that it is not the best of ideas to go back for your friend. And I'd like to think Kreacher wouldn't want you back now that you're safe. I have faith that one day you will meet again… one day. But not today. I'm sorry honey"
“It's okay” and if Euphemia saw his glazed eyes, she didn't say anything, she just gave a small hug to this boy who had grown up so devoid of affection and had still managed to be compassionate.
Considering that Sirius now lived in James's house, it was obvious that he couldn't always run away from him. Even more so after the Potters insist that both brothers stay at least until Sirius comes of age.
The first thing he saw when he came out into the garden was James, who was lying on the grass playing with a snitch. He thought about turning around and hiding in some other room, but then James turned his face and saw him.
They were both silent, uneasy about what to say now. It definitely wouldn't be Sirius who would break the stillness of the morning.
“Is there- do you need anything?”
"I just had to get out, Reggie and I huh... We had a fight I guess."
"Can't you even have compassion for your sick brother?" clearly James spoke without thinking, too eager to be with Sirius after a while "I'm sorry... It wasn't my place to say that."
“He wants to go back to that house”
"What?!" James got to his feet, already ready to have to knock Regulus out if need be.
“Don't worry, he just wants to go back for that damn elf. Hopefully Effie can convince him what a horrible idea that is."
And again, they were silent. It felt bad, wrong, that James and Sirius were unable to hold a conversation no matter how small, it was unnatural.
“I'll go back inside. I should apologize for… For that.”
James wasn't on the best of terms with Sirius, but he was still his best friend. So, while Sirius went with his parents on a quick trip to Diagon Alley to buy some essentials, James didn't hesitate to go in and hang out with Regulus.
He felt a bit bad that in the process of avoiding and ignoring one of the brothers, he will end up doing the same to the other.
"Hey," he paused in the doorway as his eyes traveled over Regulus's face. He looked tired, drawn, the usual glow to his skin was missing and- ah, there he was. He had only heard his parents and the healers discuss it but seeing it was heartbreaking: Regulus's hands were shaking. A lot. His whole body generally trembled, jerking sporadically, but his hands… He had always thought that Regulus had nice, graceful, beautiful hands when they caught a snitch, and now they writhed and were unable to hold a pencil.
"Hey"
"Bored?"
"I guess, there's not much to do"
“I could bring you some books from the library”
"No… I don't really feel like reading" he said as he looked at his hands. And well perfect, now James could definitely be classified as the most insensitive human being. If Regulus couldn't get a glass of water on his own, he doubted he could pick up a book.
“I could read you”
"Do you know how to read?" the question was said so innocently that for a moment James genuinely thought that Regulus must consider him illiterate. "Pfff, your face."
“Sometimes you are so mean to me. Where's the sweet Reggie who used to send me treats on my birthday?"
“I literally sent you some this year”
"Yes, and you also sent a letter that said 'happy birthday idiot' in French. Sirius had a field day with that."
"But I sent you something" he gave a lopsided smile "Can I ask you something?"
"Oh, we were going so well and suddenly you're so serious" that earned him an exasperated look "You can ask me whatever you want sweetheart"
Regulus blushed a little, but he was not intimidated by this cute boy who called him sweet names "Is everything okay with my brother?"
"Of course"
“I hate being lied to James”
James deliberated how much he could tell Regulus without compromising the truth of the matter.
He sighed "No, things are not good"
"Does this have anything to do with Remus?"
"Have you talked to him?"
"Your mum give me a letter from him, asking how we were and other things," he pointed to the nightstand where Regulus's obvious attempt to answer Remus rested but failed miserably. "I know they're fighting, anyone with eyes could tell. But I don't know why you are too… Did my brother do something? Is it Siri's fault?
"Sirius... Yes, he... He betrayed our trust and did something that hurt Remus."
"Sirius has always been very impulsive." At James' unimpressed look, Regulus continued, "I don't mean that as an excuse, but... Well, he's my brother, and I don't like to see him sad. Whatever Sirius did is his problem, and he has to fix it, but if it's any use, you guys make him a better person and I never seen him happier than when he's with you."
Almost a month later and James had the opportunity to have another heart-to-heart with Regulus. It happens after a disastrous dinner where Regulus – having finally gotten permission to get out of bed – makes a complete mess of the soup and spills the entire bowl onto the table. Nobody had said anything, his father had just made a movement with the wand and any evidence had been erased.
But it was obvious that for Regulus it had been frustrating.
“Hey Reggie, come on. Nothing happened"
"Shut it. Don't say anything else, I can't even hold a bloody spoon for more than a minute Sirius."
And as in other occasions where similar situations happened, Sirius had said the usual.
"Sorry Reggie I-"
"Shut up!"
Regulus had stood up, apologized, and gone out into the garden. James had followed him almost immediately, knowing it wasn't a good idea for Sirius to do it and not believing that his parents were what Regulus would need now.
The crickets sounded like any other summer night, and to one side of the house, right where his father's jasmine was, Regulus looked at the sky.
"Everything is alright?"
After receiving no response James had resigned himself to being silent company, but then the other boy began to speak.
“It's just that I don't want Sirius to feel guilty, but I can't help but blame him” James was sometimes struck by the way the eyes could express so many emotions: anger, frustration, hate, sadness “What a shitty person am I? Tell me James, am I not the most horrible person there is? The worst brother? This wasn't even in the plan."
“There was no plan Regulus, and you are certainly not a horrible person for feeling what you feel”
“Of course there was damn it” ah then it seemed that Regulus preferred not to discuss his quality as a person “My whole life Sirius has sacrificed for me and now was my time. It was my turn. Don't you understand, James? I should have stayed in that house, with them. I was never supposed to go out” and instead had chosen a worse topic. James supposes that must have been the one that ate at his soul the most.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
“I always knew Sirius was going to leave, it was so obvious. It was just a matter of time and then I would stay in the house, I would take his place and then my brother, he – he… He would be free”
“And do you think your brother would have allowed that? That I would have allowed it? Barty? Evan? Remus? Peter? My parents? Merlin, Regulus, you are not alone, you never have been."
“Then why does it feel this way? Why do I feel this… this feeling in my chest like a black hole that is swallowing me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve to be happy?"
Life was sometimes too cruel to those who least deserved it. James knew so many who could get through their lives without thinking twice about the cruelty of their actions, and then there were people like Regulus and Remus who life kept dragging through the mud.
For James it is impossible to avoid hugging Regulus, he wants to bury him in his chest, he wants to take him away from the world. It clearly doesn't deserve him, doesn't deserve this boy who just wants to read and fly on his broom, that likes to learn languages and annoy his older brother.
“Please don't say that, don't say that. You deserve to be happy, so, so happy Regulus. And I don't know why you feel this way, I can't say I understand but I'm here, I'm always here” and he refuses to cry, swallowing back his tears. Because he is not the one who needs comfort.
“James…James I'm scared. This war, we're going to have to choose sides and I don't want to. My brother… my brother… If I lose him, I don't know what I would do, I can't lose him. I could have done it before, but not now, I can't give him up now."
"You won't, okay? No matter what happens, Sirius is going to be fine” even if James had to do something stupid to make sure of that.
"I can't lose you either"
“You won't, we'll be fine. All of us, it's a promise."
Returning to Hogwarts does not have the same anticipation as in previous years. There is a lot of anguish, some fear and, in general, tension. Things in the wizarding world aren't right, not with a new dark lord rising. And when it comes to his private life, James has so much to worry about: Sirius and Remus, his parents, and, in a totally unexpected addition, Regulus.
The entire summer James had spent with Sirius and Regulus for daily company. Fixing things with Sirius made everything easier, but suddenly there was another problem. Now Regulus seemed to occupy all his thoughts.
That was not something new, for years the youngest of the Black brothers had been an occasional constant in his mind. Fleeting thoughts of Regulus that accompanied him throughout the day. But now it was as if those thoughts had taken a different turn, for example, he couldn't stop thinking and avert his gaze from him the pink and heart-shaped lips of the other boy.
James didn't think he had ever felt this way, except for that first time he saw Regulus in person. But ever since he became aware of this new turn of events, James Potter had tripled his level of awkwardness when it came to being in Regulus's presence.
His father found it hilarious, and his mother just looked at him with sorrow and ill-concealed amusement. The only saving grace is that Regulus didn't seem to notice, and Sirius was too distracted by Remus to mutilate him. A part of James liked to think that Sirius would be understanding and supportive, but over the years he had seen Sirius commit questionable acts on behalf of his brother and threaten so many people about staying away from him.
But everything was going to be fine, it was just a little attraction. Nothing that a little time wouldn't fix.
The time in question did not have, forgive the redundancy, time to exist. For starters, James had forgotten that he was required to see Regulus at least once a week at the Gryffindor table and- had he always had his tea that way?
And then something unexpected happened: a stalker. Regulus clearly had some shitty luck because he somehow managed to get the worst kind of stalker possible at the worst possible time. And to add insult to injury, he had to be a Slytherin, the worst type of vermin created by man and of which only three people were saved from falling in the ranking.
"-I was rather thinking that James could walk you to your classes and back to the dungeons, you know, what could be more terrifying to a slimy snake than a lion?" Look, if James was any less weak, he would have said no, he would have flatly refused. Instead, his teenage mind only thought of Regulus and time alone and that was it, the idea was sold.
"I wouldn't have a problem with that, we would certainly have fun, wouldn't we, Reg?"
"Better you than my brother, only Dumbledore knows what I would do to this idiot if I had him in my presence for more than an hour."
At some point it crossed James' mind that exposure therapy might be helpful. Perhaps if he spent too much time with Regulus, he would realize that the little boy was nothing but insufferable pain. Instead, he had just dug a deeper hole for his grave.
"This here is Massy, over there is Rombe, further back are Lynn and Temus." Each elf was pointed at by Regulus and each sent enthusiastic greetings from him.
James knew that Regulus had a particular fondness for house elves, but seeing him in person, the gentle way he spoke to them not as if they were idiots but as if they were his friends…Merlin. James was lost.
“You must come here very often”
“Once a week at least. It is not good to leave friends forgotten"
"And you come alone?"
"Sometimes Evan accompanies me, but usually I come alone" a little elf came over to offer them a plate of brownies "Thank you Denni"
“Mr. Friend Regulus has nothing to thank. Denni is happy to have him here again."
“I missed you too”
Ah, at least he hoped that Sirius would be merciful in his death.
Apparently, James had something with intelligence because until now he had never spent so many hours still in one place of his own free will. But seeing Regulus study and eat book after book must have been some kind of sight forbidden by the professors, because it was really too much for the human eye. It was also not helpful that the sunlight would enter through the window and give a special tone to his gray eyes, or that his hair was tied up in a messy bun that left some strands brushing the nape of his neck.
"If you took a picture, it would last longer" and he again had forgotten that Remus was sharing study time with Regulus.
"Did you say something Remus?" damn the time Remus Lupine presented the muggle pens to Regulus who kept putting them between his lips.
“That if you took fewer electives, you would have more time”
"Technically it was a bet with Evan and Barty, and I'm not going to give it up."
"Where are they by the way?" James said. Over time he had come to appreciate Crouch, but in light of his new feelings – perhaps not so new – his urge to throw him from Gryffindor tower sometimes increased.
“I don't want to know, but they're together.” It was at least a relief to know that Crouch and Evan seemed to have a thing, whatever that was.
James knew that whatever he felt for Regulus would probably go nowhere. So, no one could blame him if he had decided that for as long as they were forced to spend time together, James would take advantage of it to do the things a boyfriend would usually do. Or at least what he as a boyfriend would do.
He started with carrying Regulus' books around, and sure, he did it out of good will, but he also had some selfishness playing a part there.
Afterwards he continued to wait for him every morning outside his common room. Although he had promised Sirius that he would accompany his brother everywhere, considering that Barty and Evan accompanied him to the great hall every day, James being there was hardly necessary.
Then he found a spell that made paper birds and that he sent between classes to talk. It was very helpful and so far no professor seemed to notice the little birds flying through their classrooms.
And by the time James realized it he would be making small gestures like giving Regulus his hoodie, opening doors for him, having Quidditch practice together, reminding him of his potions, carrying a couple of them himself just in case. James was having a great time and when things eventually went down the drain, at least he would walk away with the satisfaction of being able to tell Sirius that was technically his fault.
At this point in his life, having clashes with Severus Snape was already part of a routine. James will not deny however, that on this occasion he could have overstepped the line. But then he remembers that it is Snape who has been causing Regulus stress, and thus worsening his health, it is Snape who has approached Regulus so improperly, and it is Snape who has snuck into Regulus' room while he was sleeping, and then any sense of reticence is lost.
The best lessons in life are those we have when a loved one forces us to see ourselves in the mirror.
“What the hell is wrong with you? When I asked for your help, I didn't mean to humiliate and send Snape to the fucking hospital wing."
Both James and Sirius are walking down the second-floor hallway, in front of Myrtle's bathroom. There are no students around, most of them enjoying a morning at the lake or doing study hours in the library.
Hearing Regulus, the two turn to face him. He looks upset, in a way James doesn't think he's seen before. It doesn't look like the fury he gets when he fights Sirius, or the one he brings out when he loses his temper. It's different, like something that has been cooked for a long time and finally explodes.
“I still help you and you go out with your bullshit. For God's sake Regulus, be thankful that your fucking stalker is no longer on the picture” don't let anyone say that Sirius Black didn't have a short temper.
“What the hell Sirius? I don't even know why I'm surprised, you've always been like this, but you James, I never thought you were so cruel "
"Don't talk to James like that Reggie, he helped you-"
“He damn humiliated and sent another student to the fucking infirmary! Sirius doesn't surprise me with you, I know you and our family better than anyone, you could kill someone, and I still wouldn't be surprised. But you James, how could you do that? The two of you, you're… you're…”
“What Regulus? Say it, what are we?" Sirius takes a couple of steps closer to his brother, a cold smile trembling on his lips.
"Are mean. Horrible persons and look maybe another day I would have given a shit if you go and start a new fight with the Slytherins' or if you robbed Dumbledore himself, but not anymore. You have to grow up and mature, a war is coming and any childhood rivalry you may have has to end now. I know why you did what you did today, and I appreciate it, but don't try to fool me by saying it was just for me, because that would be a fucking lie and I hate being lied to!
“No… you two did it because you wanted, you needed an excuse to mess with Snape and you took it. Snape is fucking disgusting, but there has to be a limit, if not, tell me Sirius, James, what makes you better than him?
“We are better than him”
"Oh really? What part of picking on bloody third years just because they're Slytherins is being better than him? How does constantly disturbing an entire house make you better? The way I see it, it's the same as what Mulciber and Snape do with the Gryffindors."
"It's different, we make pranks, they-" James said, trying to mediate.
"Pranks? Dominic Nott had a panic attack when the common room was locked down. Lumilda Vance broke her wrist when they enchanted the team's brooms. Emmanuel Greengrass was in the hospital wing for days with an allergic reaction to that color-changing potion. And that was just from the previous semester, so don't tell me you're just kidding when you know you're not. It's not the same as what you do to the other houses, no… It's always us who get the worst, the damn joke for all of you. You have to grow up, you have to understand that not all Slytherins are slimy, evil snakes, and that even if we were, that doesn't make it right for you to always attack us. What happened today… It wasn't just because of me.
“I know that you are good people, that deep down you have good intentions, but kindness cannot be selective. You will be head boy next year James, we all know it, you will be the example for the other students and in these times, that matters a lot "
"Reggie-" James tried to get closer but Regulus took a step back shaking his head.
“No, don't talk to me. I need to go"
“So now you run away, Regulus! You say all that and walk away like a coward?" Sirius yelled.
Regulus didn't look back.
Word around the school of the latest showdown between James Potter, Sirius Black and Severus Snape had reached every corner before it was mid-morning. It was the first time that a fight between them ended with one of the parties having to be taken to the infirmary, before they had done little things that compromised their health: a couple of bruises, on one occasion vomiting, on another a broken nose.
But there was usually an unspoken agreement to keep things low in front of an audience and lose any sense of restraint in private.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black” two argues in a row was not something James wanted. Just a few minutes ago Regulus had left them in the middle of the corridor and now McGonagall was coming to give her two cents.
"Professor McGonagall, long time no see." James tried to put on a brave smile but wherever you looked it was too forced.
Sirius was still burning with anger and if McGonagall noticed that she didn't say anything. She too looked angry, disappointed, and tired.
"Detention, for the next month you will have detention and both of you will write a letter of apology to Mr. Snape."
“I refuse”
"Sirius-" "Mr. Black-"
“I steadfastly refuse to give any gesture of repentance to that cretin. He looked for what happened to him… and we reached an agreement”
"And what kind of agreement did you come to if you don't mind sharing?"
"We'll leave him alone, but only if he does too"
Minerva McGonagall was a practical and down to earth woman; she would always support her students and try to bring out the best in them. However, Sirius had always represented a challenge to her, too proud and against authority figures, but a boy with enough kindness and love to guide his decisions.
It had been hard to understand the character that Sirius Black was, but over time she had come to understand that the only way he would back down was when the gravity of his actions was put in front of him by someone he would respect. Minerva had thought that she would have to be the one to do that, but it seemed that someone else had already gone ahead.
Before this she would have doubted Sirius would stick to such a promise, he had made a similar one after all at the end of the fifth year though perhaps not in front of the right person and not for good enough reason. But right now, at the still raw edges, she could see that Sirius Black was willing to carry that deal with honor.
“You will still have detention. I want both of you in my office today at 8”
Clearly their head of house was not satisfied with a mere detention. They had done something that she herself couldn't even try to reason about no matter what Sirius had explained to her.
The first day of detention felt like a support group. It was just the three of them sitting with the office fire warming them up and cups of tea with biscuits. They talked, they told the whole story, from the moment Regulus arrived in the bedroom to the moment Snape hung in the air in the middle of the courtyard.
“There is something that is rarely recognized about the Houses of Hogwarts. And that is, that as much as there are virtues in common, there are also defects.
“And in the case of our House, the most obvious flaw will always be strong emotions. I don't doubt you had the best interests of young Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin in mind, but there are ways. And the one you have chosen is far from what I expected from such brilliant students. I can understand why you and your brother decided not to look to us for help, Sirius. But I would have believed that by now at least you would know that at Hogwarts help will always be given to those in need."
“And where was that help when they needed it?” James said, a little angry, a little disappointed.
Sirius laughed and James could understand why. McGonagall, however, gave them an exasperated look.
“No one helped us get out of Grimmauld. It was me who got us out of there, it was me who taught us how to survive. Forgive me Minnie if I find such a ridiculous motto laughable."
Minerva fell silent, not for the first time aware of the flaws in an outdated system. Sirius Black and Regulus Black weren't the first kids to come to school covered in bruises, they weren't the first kids to have failed. And as much as it hurt her, she knew it would be many more children before people with enough power decided to do something. And she didn't know if her conscience and heart could take that anymore.
“You're totally right, we didn't help you. As your Head of House, I should have done more, and in that case, I feel the need to change my words. I'm always going to help you, whenever you ask me... I don't say it as your teacher, because I guess I've failed at it, but as a person I hope you know that I'm here, there are people here”
The second and third days of detention consisted of grading the transfiguration essays from the first years. A horrible and tedious job, where the most tiring part was trying to figure out what the person had wanted to write. Sometimes requesting quills as school supplies could bring the curious difficulty that very few children learned to write with them.
But he had already done three days of detention and while Sirius still had enough energy to go running into the woods in his Animagus form, James just wanted to crash into his bed.
Outside of Gryffindor Tower, Lily Evans had been unlucky enough to run into the person she hated the most at the time. She had been avoiding him, trying to avoid places where he might be ever since he left the infirmary. But who knew that Severus Snape would have the courage to seek her out and confront her in person.
“Lils, listen to me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to say it, it just came out-"
“And you say slurs so often that you just don't think about it? That's bullshit Snape, everything you say makes no sense. And I am no longer going to play along with you, making myself deaf and blind to what you have become. Go to hell and leave me alone”
“Oh, and you're better, aren't you? Do you think you're so superior to me? Don't kid yourself Lily, you're no better than whatever asshole Potter hangs out with,” the pleas turn to vitriol.
“You always have to bring him up, don't you? You hate him so much, but at least he's not a supremacist asshole, don't you bite your tongue every time you insult a Muggle-born? You are a pathetic coward."
"I do what I have to do to survive, you wouldn't understand"
“Please don't try to justify yourself. I don't see anyone putting a gun to your head, you're just one of them, you chose to be."
"And what would you do in my place?"
“I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees, not betray what I am. I can't be your friend anymore, I can't be close to you anymore."
“No, I love you, I have always loved you. You don't have to leave me, you can't leave me.” When it became clear that Lily was about to go, he reached out and tried to pull her by her wrist. In response Lily slapped him and pushed him hard.
“Who was the one who left whom first? Don't come looking for me again, I don't want you near me and I don't want you near my friends.
"No, I won't let you-"
"Is there any problem Lily?" Turning down the hall, returning from one of his detentions, James Potter interrupted the altercation.
"None"
"Sure? I could-"
"I don't need someone to defend me James, and Snape was already leaving, wasn't he?"
It feels like goodbye, goodbye to my friend who taught me what magic was, goodbye to my friend who you killed without mercy, and I didn't realize it only a corpse remained: rotten, unrecognizable. For the first time that night, Severus doesn't try to argue, he knows it won't make a difference. He leaves and clamps his mouth shut, he's already said too much and could only make it worse.
James doesn't say anything, just watches Severus turn down the hall. He never understood why Lily was friends with someone like him, though he guesses he didn't make much of an effort to get close either. Perhaps, in another life Severus Snape would have had a better fate had he changed one thing, or perhaps Snape had always something twisted inside of him.
Regulus is avoiding him, it is not an assumption or something that is done discreetly. It is crystal clear, and Regulus is direct in his intentions not to see him. Instead, when James tries to maintain the routine they've built up and goes to the entrance of the Slytherin common room to wait for him, he is greeted by Evan and Crouch.
"He doesn't want to see you or Sirius," Evan tells him, not cruelly but a little gently.
“Just give it time”
"Is he upset? I just want to talk"
Evan and Barty share a look.
"It's complicated. He just doesn't want to argue with you two.” Barty has always been more direct and rude to him, and since he's being nice now, James guesses that Regulus must have asked him to be nice. And if so, then he can trust that maybe he's not mad.
"Tell him I'll be waiting when he wants to talk"
James surmises that Sirius must have been more affected by everything that happened in the week than he had initially shown. It's as if days after it all came to a head, the weight of the consequences hit him square in the face.
He doesn't try to talk to his brother, he doesn't try to get close to him. For Sirius that must be difficult, but he respects him. It's still a miserable sight that even Remus can't bring to life, he's constantly in his head thinking about who knows what.
And James… It feels like his whole life has had a bandage, a piece of cloth that he himself chose to put on at some point and forgot to take off. He was blind and didn't know it until Regulus snapped his sight back.
He feels bad, a part of him wants to go and confront Regulus, to know how long he had thought that. For how much he should have restrained himself from exploding against them.
Knowing now that his actions could be seen from a different angle than laughter, he realizes that he may have been cruel. That perhaps that justice of which he is so proud to have inherited from his parents, must have been corrupted at some point.
He is ashamed, so ashamed. And he fears for a second that he has failed at everything his parents had tried to teach him. Morality and righteousness are worthless when we forget that people are more than a color, a House or a name.
It is in the midst of these reflections that James ends up being unwittingly led to the astronomy tower. It's Wednesday and it's cloudy, it's just getting dark and somehow a star manages to shine.
Regulus seems serene, not in the way he was when blood trickled down his neck and he was shaking uncontrollably, but in a peaceful way. It's like watching a feather fall: quiet, slow, leisurely.
“There are almost 100 meters from here to the floor”
“Should I be worried that you know that fact?”
"If you mean I could jump out of here, I'm afraid James that wouldn't be the death I would seek" James of course only got more worried "I'm kidding, I haven't had suicidal thoughts since fourth year "
"Was that a joke too?" he said as he leaned against the railing.
"Maybe"
And as Regulus watched the sun go down, James let his eyes run over his profile. He traced his eyebrows straight and his nose which had just a tiny curve to be considered upturned. His soft pink lips and freckles and moles, there was one in particular in the corner of his right eye that always caught James' attention. There was also a small scar running across the middle of his lower lip and-
"Remus is right, a photo would last you longer." He gave him a small smile, amused to see how James got nervous and red in the ears.
"I do not know what you're talking about"
"Hmm"
James tries to focus on the sky, the clouds turning orange. He lets his head fall back and closes his eyes, feeling the air brush against his forehead.
"Hey Potter"
"Hmm-" He turns his face to indicate to Regulus that he has his attention, and then feels a small pressure on his lips. It's soft, barely a touch and it doesn't last long just long enough for James to open his eyes and realize that Regulus has kissed him.
As suddenly as it came it was gone, and James had to muster every functional brain cell to form a sentence. It didn't feel like other kisses, there wasn't that lingering discomfort or coldness; it was as if for the simple fact that it was Regulus, the boy he fancies but also knew from the bottom of his heart, his body opened to the idea.
"We're going to have to talk about it"
As if sensing James on the brink of collapse, Regulus leans back and kisses him again.
“What a good talk”
"You can take that as my apology for the other day."
"Or…"
“Or you can take it as a confession”
“I like that better.” James moved to face Regulus and dropped his arms to either side of the rail, trapping the other boy.
“Merlin's sake, Potter. You are ridiculous"
"I hate when you call me Potter"
"Oh, and how do you want me to call you then?"
“James” leans in close to his ear, his voice a whisper. “Or you could call me darling.”
"You really are so ridiculous, silly, childish." Regulus finds himself torn between grinning or hexing this goofy boy until the end of time.
“Ah but you certainly didn't hesitate to kiss me. How daring you are Reggie”
"Shut up, I can't believe I even considered date you."
"Would you date me?"
"Wasn't I clear enough with the kisses?"
"No, you weren't"
“Then ask me”
"Regulus, will you be my boyfriend?"
"Yes, darling"
James feels himself smile, so wide it hurts a little on his cheeks. But it is inevitable, nothing could make him happier than this moment.
"Does that mean you're not mad at me anymore?"
“I was never mad at you James”
"But everything you said-"
“I won't apologize to you for it, what I said I still stand by. But I will not deny that I was perhaps too dramatic, so the only thing I will apologize for is that I was cruel"
James shook his head, one of his hands reaching out to hold one of Regulus'.
“Don't apologize, I needed to hear that,” at that Regulus raised an eyebrow at him, a silent question. “I've been thinking about it a lot, and you're right. I was being childish and immature, I have been for a long time.”
"I don't think you had bad intentions, none of your friends for that matter."
"Bad intentions or not, I wasn't being fair." James waited a moment, considering his next words "I once told Sirius that you were the only Slytherin different, thinking about it now I realize it was nonsense. If you were different from them, that only means that there must have been many others who did not fit the stereotypes of your house"
James knew he had said the right thing because then Regulus gave him a bright, pretty smile.
"Barty and Evan certainly don't fit in." James doubted it, Barty certainly had a sadistic streak and Evan could be cynical, but it was true that he had never seen them attack someone because of their blood status, although Barty constantly would get into fights with other students for various reasons “Many believe that Slytherin House is full of purebloods, which is ridiculous. It's statistically impossible when every year two-thirds of new students have at least one Muggle or Muggle-born parent. But that's not the point... My point is that there are many half-bloods and Muggle-borns who always have to hide from the other students in the house or who don't usually make friends outside for fear of rejection "
"And you? Do you fear rejection?"
“I am a Black, people do not reject us”
“You Blacks have too big an ego”
"And obviously you don't"
"Not at all" if James could, he would stay in this space forever, holding hands as the sun sets behind them. Is magical, is beautiful and is ephemeral "Why did you never say anything before?"
Regulus looks at him blankly for a few seconds, and then he understands. It's kind of adorable the way his eyes widen a little when he understands what James means.
"I guess... I guess I didn't want to lose Sirius."
"Saying what you thought was going to make you lose Sirius?" that didn't sound like the Regulus Black James knew, too bold and not at all cowed by his older brother. Where others would think twice before insulting a Black, Regulus never seemed to have a problem confronting his brother.
“You know how everyone in my family is a little out of it? I worried that one day Sirius was going to give in to that part of us and make an impulsive decision. That if maybe he thought I was too different from him, if I was trying to defend my position over the other Slytherins, he might think I was against him."
From hate to love there is only one step, the same applies in reverse. It could be very easy for his brother, who had always been prone to strong emotions, to decide that all the love and care he felt for Regulus might turn to contempt.
Regulus knew that his brother would never do anything to hurt him, but that would be as long as he loved him. The moment he felt that this brother he had devoted his whole life to, suddenly wasn't that different from any other member of his family, well... Piety wasn't exactly the distinguishing trait of a Black.
To James, nothing Regulus had said made much sense. Yes, Sirius wasn't exactly the epitome of prudence, but he loved his brother more than anything and that was all that mattered.
"Sirius wouldn't do that, he respects your opinion a lot for it and he loves you too much"
“Andromeda loved Cissy too and yet she didn't think twice about leaving her. Bellatrix always took care of both of them but eventually she was blinded by the madness.” He still remembered the way Narcissa had held him the winter Andy left; she didn't cry, it was her form of revenge: she wouldn't cry for a sister who hadn't loved her enough to stay or take her away “Sirius loves me now, but I can never stop thinking until when, until our interests collide? Or until madness swallows him whole?"
That had always been Regulus's greatest fear, a constant nightmare that haunted his mind ever since he realized that he could never live without his brother. He knew it wasn't healthy, the way he and Sirius had developed a codependent bond, but it was theirs and it was that very bond that kept either of them from dying before they got to Hogwarts.
There were days when he convinced himself that it was impossible, that nothing would be strong enough to separate them. That they had come so far. But you can never be sure, or it would be a bad decision that separated them, the family's own madness or the imminent war that was showing on the horizon.
"Then why did you decide to do it now?"
“Impulsivity” Regulus smiled self-deprecatingly, recklessness is a family trait “Why do you think I've been avoiding him? I don't want to have to listen to something I don't want to."
“If it's any consolation, he's not mad at you, just worried that it's the other way around actually. Although I fear that now he will have a reason to be angry, more with me than with you”
"I doubt Sirius could get mad at you or any of those friends of his."
"Oh, Baby Black you don't know your brother, he's going to kill me"
Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Are you afraid, Potter? Don't worry, I'll take care of telling him"
"My hero"
James should have known that Regulus and Sirius could be too clumsy for his good. They were two of the smartest people he knew but they could be such idiots sometimes.
Talking to Sirius about his new relationship with James was a way of killing two birds with one stone, telling him the good news about his life but above all, starting the conversations again.
Finding his brother was easy, he knew his schedule by heart. Working up the courage to speak to him was something else. James had of course offered to come along, say it together, but Regulus needed to do this alone.
He hadn’t spoken to his brother for almost two weeks, in those days he had been dating James Potter for two. And although in those two days James had dedicated himself to giving him courage, to reassure him that his brother was not angry, Regulus was not yet ready to open the box and expose the truth to his eyes.
Sirius was about to enter his transfiguration class. Like every Friday he arrived alone, fresh out of his Muggle Studies elective and totally unaware of the wave of words that would crash against him.
“Sirius”
He turned to see in complete shock, part scared part excited.
“Hi uh, um… Hi Reggie”
“How have you been?”
“I have had better weeks. You? Everything’s fine?”
“Yes, yes. I just wanted to talk and tell you something.”
“Go ahead then”
“James and I-“ how to say it? They are a couple, they are dating, James asked him to be his boyfriend for Merlin, but still… He still felt that it was too soon, that if he said it out loud it would evaporate “-we are seeing each other “
“Good?”
If Regulus had looked at his brother for more than a second, if he had caught up with him two minutes earlier… Then he would have realized that clearly his older brother was not only an overprotective giant with an ego the size of the galaxy, but that he was also a complete and utter asshole.
“Is that all you have to say? Look, I have a herbology class so I have to go. I just wanted to tell you, see you at dinner.”
And as he come, he left.
In hindsight Sirius would know that he shouldn’t have taken those words so literally. But the idea of James – his best friend, soul brother, partner in crime – and Regulus – his favorite person, younger brother, nagging pain – dating was just impossible to conceive of. In itself the idea of his baby brother getting a date seemed like a very, very distant future now to put that together with him dating James Potter… Pfff ridiculous.
Something was up with Regulus, what exactly Sirius couldn’t tell.
It was in the way that he was smiling more genuinely now, none of that polite little smile that he used every day with all people.
It was in his lighter aura, as if he felt more comfortable in his own skin.
It was in his red cheeks, which were now more of a constant than a rarity.
And Sirius couldn’t affirm this, but he was sure his skin looked healthier and brighter and by Godric Gryffindor if this detail in question wasn’t making him envious.
There were so many little details that Sirius’ mind never failed to point out, but it wasn’t until after they returned from a wonderfully homey Christmas vacation with the Potters that he understood: his brother was in love.
More importantly, Regulus must have a girlfriend or boyfriend.
There was no other explanation.
If Regulus liked someone the next logical step is that he is already dating that someone. They can say what they want about the Blacks, but one truth was that when they want something they get it.
But who? Who could this mysterious person be? Barty? Evan?
The only other human being his brother willingly and friendly spent time with was him, Remus, sometimes Peter, and lately James.
And speaking of James and Regulus, Sirius was dying of happiness. His two brothers had been spending more and more time together, it was as if they had suddenly become best friends.
And Sirius was so happy about it, giddy with excitement. Even on Christmas break they used to wander around the house and hang out together. They had always had a courteous and friendly relationship, but now they seemed to have escalated and become – at least as Sirius liked to think of it – family.
But as comfortable as he was with James and Regulus walking around the castle at all hours, that still didn’t help him solve the identity of the mystery girlfriend or boyfriend.
Of course, it’s a good thing that even after all the trouble with Snape, James has decided to remain Regulus’s companion. But that didn’t help Sirius to determine what other people his brother might be meeting with.
James could be scaring them away for all he knew.
But Sirius was a genius, forming plans was nothing to write home about. Could he ask James to spare himself from spending so much time with Regulus in order to find his answer? Yes, he could. But they both looked so happy when they were together that he didn’t have the heart to part them.
Instead, he decided to settle for himself doing his research.
So, one day before Regulus’s birthday, on a freezing as hell morning of February 19th, Sirius Black woke up with the determination to follow his brother through every step of his day.
Even James was conspicuous by his absence on this day, too busy trying to plan a birthday present. Sigh, they really were good friends.
Sirius remembered very well the time his mother, in a state of maniacal amusement, looked him straight in the eye and told him he was exactly like her. Of course, little Sirius had refused to believe this, though now he couldn’t help but wonder how true it was as he followed his little brother through the castle corridors with the same subtlety of a muggle detective in a trench coat and sunglasses.
He hadn’t been able to take the map, and no matter what he offered as a bribe to Peter, he refused to give up his day with it. So, he now had to settle for doing things the old school.
It was just stepping foot outside the Great Hall and Regulus suddenly gained a shadow.
Regulus doesn’t know and really doesn’t want to know what Sirius is thinking by following him around the school as if hoping he wouldn’t notice. Obviously, he realized, you don’t survive a place like Grimmauld Place if you don’t learn to be careful even of your shadow.
But his brother thinks he’s subtle and Regulus really has better things to do than deal with whatever nonsense his brother is doing. He is in his OWL year and plans to emerge triumphant from it, break all records, set a precedent… And Sirius is not going to stop him.
He sighs as he turns into the library.
At the end of the corridor he catches sight of Sirius, former heir to the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black, hiding behind an armor.
“You look tired,” Barty tells him as he walks over to their usual table. Evan isn’t with them today, serving detention after insulting his new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
“I am tired” his bag makes a loud thud as he drops it on the table “and my lightweight charm stopped working”
“Isn’t there a Potter today to carry your stuff, Reggie?” he sneers, totally delighted when his best friend’s cheeks turn pink with embarrassment.
“He’s busy, planning my birthday present or something.”
“One would think it should be a surprise”
“It is, it’s James that lacks subtlety.” Regulus says the last thing with enough force to draw a few stares.
A couple of tables behind it can hear some books falling.
“You know your brother is literally watching us from behind that bookcase.”
“Just ignore him, he can’t stand not being the center of attention. He is like a fairy: without attention he dies”
Sirius couldn’t bear to have to go unnoticed. It wasn’t in his nature, it wasn’t normal.
Apart from the fact that Regulus’s whole day was just boring, nothing entertaining and there wasn’t even Quidditch practice to add variety to the matter.
He was beginning to think that it couldn’t be healthy to spend nearly three hours in the library without a break, when a figure blocking out the candlelight brought him back to the present.
“Alright this is enough. What in Merlin’s name are you doing and why did Lupin let you off the leash?”
Sometimes Sirius compared Regulus to a cat, and right now the similarity is at its peak. It looks like he has all his hair on end and a second away from baring his fangs and hissing.
Two things Sirius has learned from his brother are: number one, his hair isn’t that naturally pretty; number two, he hates being lied to. So, deciding to be a benevolent soul, he chooses to save himself trouble and speak the truth.
“Well, you caught me” the look that is earned by that phrase is immaculate “I will be direct, are you dating someone?”
“Yes Sirius, I’m dating someone.” Regulus speaks slowly, as if Sirius is being particularly stupid today.
“Fine, fine, I guess I can accept it. Who is she?” he stands up, his eyes searching Regulus.
“He, is a boy”
“Well, well, incredible. Who is he?”
“Sirius, you already know who he is.”
“I know? Is he Barty?
“No, are you stupid? Evan and Barty have been dating since last semester.”
“So, who is he?”
“You really don’t know?” Sirius doesn’t think he saw Regulus widen his eyes that much.
“Why would I know? Is he someone I know?”
There’s a pause, where Regulus shakes his head a couple of times, not believing anything about the last few minutes of their conversation at all.
“Sirius, James and I have been dating for three months”
“That’s impossible,” the answer is automatic and Sirius almost laughs.
“We literally went on a double date with you and Remus the other week. I had already told you.”
“When?”
“That time in the third-floor hallway, outside of McGonagall’s classroom?”
“When did you say you were seeing each other?”
“Yes”
“I thought… I thought you meant it literally.”
“You know? Sometimes I wonder if I’m not adopted. You’re too stupid for us to be related.” As Regulus rethinks his entire family line, Sirius looks on the verge of having a stroke. “Don’t you have anything to say?”
“You’re definitely kidding”
“Agh believe what you want to believe, let me know when you’ve processed it. And. Stop, Following. Me”
Minutes later Sirius is still standing in the same spot in the library, watching as outside one of the windows the moon makes the lake shine.
He feels numb, a ringing in his ears.
He had been preparing to, barely getting his answer, to seek out the little bastard who thought it was a good idea to go out with Sirius' little brother and not have the courage to show up in person.
With the new turn of events, however, he's still not sure what the next logical step is.
He only leaves the library when Madam Pince kicks him out, and that's why Sirius knows it must be close to past 11pm and he must have missed dinner.
As the doors thud shut behind him, Sirius decides to head straight to Gryffindor tower and hopefully resolve this whole misunderstanding with James.
But as he's been all day, James is missing, there's not a single sign of his presence and the only person in the bedroom at this hour is Remus, who smokes a cigarette in the comfort of Sirius' bed with a book in his hand.
“Good to see you, darling. I brought some dinner for you."
Sirius flopped down on the bed and kissed Remus on the cheek.
“Moony”
"Hmm?"
"Are Regulus and James dating?"
Remus stopped reading and looked to Sirius, looking at him over his reading glasses.
“Last time I confirmed, yes. They are dating”
"Why did I not know it?"
“Why didn't you know? Honey, everyone in the castle knows."
"You're lying"
"No Pads, maybe they are not the most affectionate couple in public, but they don't hide it either"
Come to think of it, Remus doesn't even think he saw them kiss, but any lack of kissing they made up for with cheesy things like sending notes, holding hands, ogling… It was sweet and pretty obvious.
“Is this a fucking joke? Did you and Regulus agree on this?”
"Sirius, love. It's not a joke.” Realizing that hey, his boyfriend wasn't really aware of his best friend and little brother's love life, Remus put his book aside and stubbed out his cigarette.
"No, no. Prongs… He would have told me”
"He thinks you already know, I don't think he saw much point in telling you"
"It is-"
“Hey guys, have you seen my scarf? Annie wants-"
"Wormy, do you have the map?"
“My day is not over yet Pads”
"I need the map, just a second"
Noticing Sirius' altered state, Peter pulled the map out of his pocket and reluctantly handed it over.
Sirius scanned the map in anticipation, not knowing what he wanted to find but needing answers. And there, in just the most predictable place, was the name James Potter next to Regulus Black.
"Thanks, Wormy, don't wait up for me, I'll go to the astronomy tower"
"Wait Sirius-"
He's still halfway up the stairs, but from that position he can start listening to a song. It's a nice song, a bit slow but perfect for a night like this, with a clear sky and a shining moon.
He can also hear a bit of commotion at the bottom of the stairs. He almost feels bad for having transformed into Padfoot to get here faster and in the process, leaving Moony behind.
Coming out of his stupor he continues to climb. He supposes that all things considered he should have expected this, but still, he stops in his tracks when he sees James spin his brother around.
They both have smiles, he can even hear Regulus giggle – giggles, the son of a bitch hasn't made that sound since he was twelve. They don't seem to dance according to the song, they are just holding hands, pulling from one side to the other.
Regulus was wearing a red sweater – James' for some reason. And his best friend was still in his uniform, the cloak lying at their feet and tangling as they spun.
Being intercepted on the way to the dungeons was not how Regulus expected to end his night.
He was walking back to his bedroom, having visited the elves in the kitchens, well aware that curfew had just started but trusting that his prefect badge would keep him out of trouble.
He is walking past the potions room when he feels a hand wrap around his wrist. Instinctively he nudges and pulls out his wand, which if it weren't for the glasses would have ended up in his boyfriend's eye.
"Oh merde!"
"So lovely it is to hear you speak French, I'm sure that's not how you say sorry"
"Tais-toi, you're the one who scared the shit out of me." His words show his anger, but his hands are gentle as they straighten James' glasses.
“Hmm. I'm actually surprised that I was able to catch you off guard, is everything okay sweetheart?"
"I just had a conversation with Sirius."
"Did you fight?"
"No, he just… Merlin was so weird, he said he didn't know we were a couple."
“I thought you told him, love”
"I did it! It just seems like he didn't understand or believe what I said and- why are you still in your uniform?"
For it to be eleven-something at night, it was weird to see James still wearing his uniform and not one of his ridiculous pajama bottoms. Looking at it more closely, Regulus realized that in reality James looked quite disheveled, with his uniform badly placed – not so surprisingly – and his hair tousled by the wind.
“Ah Reggie, I have a surprise for you”
"At this time?"
“There is no better time. Now come"
Regulus gives him a suspicious look but ends up giving in to James' puppy dog eyes and together, hand in hand, they start down the path out of the dungeons.
They walk together under the invisibility cloak, seeking to elude anyone who might stop them from reaching their destination. It doesn't do much good though, not when their laughter can barely be concealed. Not when James tells the worst jokes and Regulus stumbles around every corner.
It's a miracle they make it to the astronomy tower without alerting any teachers. More miraculous still, that when James asked Regulus to close his eyes, he didn't trip on the steps.
He thinks that James must be crazy, totally out of his mind to think that exposing to the frigid weather of Scotland in February is a good surprise idea. But – and it's so clichéd, sometimes he himself freaks out at how cheesy his thoughts are – there's no weather so cold that it's not overshadowed by the scorching heat that is James Potter.
"You can open your eyes"
Let it not be said that James Potter is not the most dedicated and detailed man that can exist on earth. Seeing the little surprise James has prepared for him, Regulus can understand why he seemed so disheveled.
The first thing he notices are the dozens of magical fireflies that flutter around the interior. They shine in so many colors and almost look like stars. Regulus can't imagine how many trips James had to make from the Forbidden Forest to the top of the tower to capture all of them.
Inevitably afterwards he is drawn to the blanket which is next to one of the balconies. He doesn't know if James did it on purpose, but the balcony he has chosen to set up his little picnic overlooks right in view of the Orion constellation.
There is something else, an object that he is not quite used to seeing. If he remembers correctly, it's called a record player, although it looks quite different from the one the Potters have in their home.
“Technically it's about fifteen minutes to go, but I wanted to be the first to say it. Happy birthday beauty"
"How many classes did you miss to do this?" Regulus knows he sounds breathless, but in front of James he doesn't see the need to swallow his feelings. He is amazed and delighted at the sheer effort his boyfriend has put into this.
James watches in a bit of fascination as the glow from the fireflies bounces off the pale skin of his boyfriend. He also watches as once again Regulus seems to think it's an acceptable idea to wander around the castle in nothing but old pants and a Sirius' faded shirt, even though he's always complaining about the cold.
"I brought you one more sweater for your collection" he walks over to the blanket and takes a red sweater from it "And, missing a couple of classes is not going to affect me at all"
“For someone who wants to be an auror, you don't seem worried”
"What can I say sweetie? Natural geniuses don't have to worry about that kind of thing."
Regulus punched James in the arm. At this point James never missed an opportunity to remind him of the "ridiculous" number of hours he spent in the library with his study group.
"Then don't be asking for my help with potions, Mr. Natural Genius."
“Being a genius does not mean that I am a genius for all subjects”
“Literally, what you said doesn't make sense” again, unable to help it, he feels a silly smile form “Thanks for this, Jamie”
“It was a collaborative work. Hagrid helped me find the fireflies and your friends in the kitchen made the sandwiches. Even the record player was lent to me by Professor Flitwick."
“Then I guess I'll have to thank them too. Although you were the one with the idea, right?
"That was all me, yeah" if James was calculating correctly, it was a couple of minutes before midnight "Would you dance with me?"
“I would do anything with you”
James nods and removes his cloak, it's a bit of a clutter after all. He rolls up his shirt sleeves and watches in amusement as Regulus pulls on his sweater, the sleeves swallowing his fingers. With each passing day James is sure that his wardrobe is slowly but surely diminishing.
James takes both of Regulus's hands in his, and slowly guides him closer to the record player. With a flick of his wand the thing turns on and rises into the air.
An instrumental melody is how it starts. It's soft at first, it's not exactly slow but that's how they dance it. They both know how to dance formally and elegantly, but that's not how they want it to be.
…I wanna hold you so much…
…The sight of you leaves me weak…
Little by little the pace picks up and when James spins him around he feels giddy with happiness. He laughs, and he can't help but see James's hazel eyes sparkling with some feeling he's getting more and more used to seeing.
They come and go, turn and stumble.
…oh pretty baby
Now that I found you stay…
James' hands land on his waist and make him jump. They spin, they almost fall off. But throughout Regulus wishes that the song does not end, that time stops at this very moment.
To love is never to die. Love is never getting old. The great minds that fear death does not realize that the only way to prevail is to love.
…Trust in me when I say…
“Si seulement j'arrivais à te dire a quel point je t’aime”
“I have no idea what you said love. But if it was a good thing, so do I."
A hand that caresses his cheek, another that still rests on his waist. James is a silly boy, and these have been the most foolish three months he has ever lived, but oh Circe if he doesn’t wish them to be forever.
Since that first night they have not kissed again, in a silent agreement they had decided to take things slow but today, while the cold air sounds and the moon shines in the waning, Regulus knows that he is ready, there is no doubt: he loves James Potter.
It's a soft, slow kiss. There is no rush, time no matter how long it will never be enough, so they might as well take it all. And as long as they can always hold this moment in their hearts, they know that they will always feel young and so, so in love.
Regulus is the name of a star, but he's never felt more like one tonight, with James – his boyfriend, the person he loves – seeing him as the brightest piece in the sky.
"Really James, my little brother?"
Sirius's interruption is dramatic, and in any other situation Regulus wouldn't have hesitated to make fun of his brother for it.
But now is not the time. Not when Sirius looks so calm and collected.
Regulus knows that a calm Sirius is worse than an angry one. His worst attacks always occurred when he could keep his cool exterior, and while he won't say that he's exactly afraid of his brother, he will say that he's wary every time it happens.
James sighs and lets his hands drop from Regulus's body. "I thought you already knew it."
“And did you think that if I knew about it, I would have been so calm about it? That was just going to… Just approve you two?”
“To be honest, no”
“And yet you decided not to tell me anything. Instead, you sneak around with my brother like he's some kind of dirty secret."
“I'm not a dirty secret, thank you very much. Just because you didn't know about it doesn't mean that the other five hundred people in this castle were just as unaware."
“Well, I'm not just any of the other five hundred people. I would have thought that as your brother I would have the right to have an opinion-"
"You have no right, you are definitely my brother but I don't see how that suddenly gives you the right to decide who I go out with and who I don't"
"I'm older and I'm in charge of you"
“I can take care of myself”
“Is that so? Certainly, the last 15 years say otherwise."
“Pads you are being unfair and irrational”
"Shut the fuck up! You are nothing but a dirty traitor who went to fooling around with my brother behind my back."
"This is incredible. You are being an idiot”
"Love-"
“No, he has always done what he pleases without considering the consequences. But this is my life and I'm not going to let anyone make decisions for me." Standing in front of Sirius, Regulus punctuated his words by digging his index finger into his brother's chest. "I decided to go out with James, I decided to 'fooling around' with him, don't talk as if James is the only person in control in this relationship."
Both seem about to take things to blows and James, wanting to avoid any tragedy of brothers so impulsive, reaches out to try to put distance between them.
Sirius, however, is clearly beyond furious and unleashes a straight punch to the face of his best friend.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Regulus would never point his wand at his brother, and he knows Sirius wouldn't either, so he settles for standing in front of James who holds his cheek.
"Sirius-!" Remus's arrival serves perfectly to distract Sirius from doing any further violent acts.
While Remus is in charge of preventing Sirius from attacking James again, Regulus approaches his boyfriend a little worried as there is a scratch on his right cheek where some of Sirius's rings hit.
"I'm fine, just caught off guard"
"I'm going to kick your fucking ass James"
It surprises Regulus how Sirius still manages to maintain such a cold exterior but such fury eyes. It's only a moment but he swears he can see his mother in them. And that… That does scare him.
“Remus, could you take him out of here? Try to calm him down?
"Remus, stay out of this."
"Sirius, do you trust me?"
"It's not about-"
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes but-"
“Then believe me when I tell you that it is better that we go. Now"
It's a good thing all of this happened far from the last full moon, otherwise Remus doubts he would have had the strength to force Sirius to leave his brother and best friend alone.
Remus doesn't know if James has any plans to return to the dorm or not, but it's best not to risk it and instead leads Sirius to the greenhouses.
They don't say a word the whole way, and it's Remus who has to make sure no one catches them because Sirius isn't in the right frame of mind to do so. He is distracted, crestfallen, and clearly furious.
It is not the first time that Remus Lupin has seen one of Sirius' attacks. Since they met it had been clear that Sirius was a child prone to strong emotions.
He felt too much and almost always that overflow of emotions controlled him. The two of them had had so many fights over the years, moments where Remus just couldn't stand Sirius being so rude or spoiled. But this was perhaps the only time Sirius lashed out violently at any of his friends.
And he hoped it would be the last.
After reaching the greenhouses, it still took Sirius a moment to decide to speak. It definitely won't be Remus trying to get the words out of him, there's been enough of a fight tonight.
Tonight. He feels bad that Regulus's birthday got off to such a bad start.
He also feels bad about letting Peter out of all this trouble.
“You should have let me hit him”
“Violence is not a way of solving problems that I approve of”
“Lucky this isn't a problem then”
"What is it then?"
“A reckoning”
Remus sighs, feeling like he's been doing a lot of that lately.
"A reckoning... You're so dramatic, it was just a misunderstanding"
"Precisely, if they had told me directly, I could have done-"
“Nothing, you wouldn't have done anything. Because it is not you who is going to be in that relationship, and it is not you who decides whether it exists or not.
"Last time I confirmed, Regulus is my little brother."
“And the last time I confirmed it, Regulus was right. Being his brother doesn't make you suddenly capable of making decisions for him."
"He never complained before when I was the one who decided and kept the stupid suitors away."
"It was never about you deciding, Regulus just didn't want anything to do with them and therefore saw no reason to tell you not to send them away" he pauses waiting for an answer "Tell me, what is really bothering you?
"It is not obvious?"
"No, at first glance I think it's the fact that James and Regulus are dating, but I know you and I know it's something else."
Sirius looks lost, the words slipping from his mind. He knows Remus is right, but there is something in his chest that tightens as he thinks of what to say to him.
"Why didn't they tell me?"
"They tried-"
“No, Regulus tried, and he wasn't even good at it. And James didn't even bother to ask."
"And what exactly did you want him to ask you?"
“My opinion maybe, my permission… I don't know, something. Anything to know that he's not just playing around with my brother like he's nothing."
There was something that made Remus fall so stupidly in love with a Black, and that was how strongly Sirius felt. His strong feelings were what always brought him to the brink of a fit, but they were also the most fascinating thing.
Sirius felt so much, and Remus just loved that about him from the first moment he heard him sing his little brother's praises. He felt so much and was always genuine about it, there were no falsehoods.
He had never seen love as pure as the one Sirius showed to the people he let into his heart. But just because it was pure didn't make it harmless.
It was suffocating, asphyxiating. A type of love that some would call selfish. Sirius was lucky, Remus thought, to have met people who could handle that kind of love with no problem.
Regulus had been the first, growing to match his older brother's intensity. Remus didn't know all the details of how much both brothers had to do to ensure the other's survival, but he knew that at least for Sirius that meant always having to be the shield, the protector, the eldest.
“Sirius, you raised him, for all intents and purposes it was you and an elf who made sure he lived to adolescence. No matter how you want to see it, it was you who taught him his first word and it was you who sang to him at night. And I get it, I get that you care about him but… But at some point, you have to accept that he's grown up and maybe he doesn't need you as much as you want. You will always, always be his brother, god Sirius you might as well be his parent, but he is also his own person and you must let him go, you will always be there to pick him up, but you can't stop the fall. "
"Do you think he doesn't need me anymore?"
“I think it's time for both of you to learn that you no longer have to depend only on each other. You have me and Regulus now has James, and together you have so many others."
And Remus didn't expect Sirius to understand now, but he could only hope that someday in the future he would be able to look at the past and realize that the doors to a dark and loveless house were closed long ago. Forever.
He knew he was possessive, that sometimes the love he felt was more possession than nothing.
Like treasure an object.
On some occasion, before episodes of lucidity became the exception, Bellatrix told him that she loved her sisters as much as she loved her favorite doll, that they were just as beautiful, just as delicate.
That time Sirius felt his skin prickle at the comparison. But over time he understood, the doll belonged to Bellatrix and her sisters too.
Sirius then knows that he sometimes feels the same way Bellatrix does about his friends and his brother. It doesn't make him better, in which case, it just makes him wish he was different.
The next time James and Sirius meet it is by accident.
Sirius had simply decided to stay away from James, fearing that he might not be able to avoid making a continuation of last night.
As for Regulus, he had simply refused to listen to any attempts of Sirius to speak.
That had been the first birthday that Sirius couldn't be present for his brother, and it was curious how it was that fact that filled him the most with guilt. Even more so when the whole day of his birthday, Regulus walked around with notable bags under his eyes and a matching mood.
It was obvious that in order to iron out any rough edges and get back to normal programming, Sirius would have to work things out with James first. But he just didn't feel ready yet.
It's a good thing then that life had its own plans, because if didn't they could spend the rest of the semester without saying a word.
When Sirius enters the room to look for his herbology homework, he is surprised to find James in the room rummaging through his trunk.
It's a bit ironic that Sirius is surprised when this is also James' room. But the boy with the glasses hadn't returned since the night of the altercation four days ago, and Sirius for his own health had decided not to think too much about where he might be staying.
They both freeze, Sirius standing in the doorway and James crouching down.
"Hey Pads, do you need anything?"
Blessed be James Potter and his ability to lighten the mood.
"Well, now that you're here... we could talk"
“Sure, I would love that”
Sirius now feels terrible for having treated his best friend so badly, who just now smiles so hopefully at him.
“I hope that means you're not so mad at me anymore.” James drops to the ground, resting his back against his trunk and running his hands anxiously through his hair.
It feels like a mirror. Sirius knows he looks like shit but James doesn't look any better either. He wastes no time walking over and sitting cross-legged in front of James.
“To start I want to make it clear that I'm not mad mate, that's not the problem. But how- why didn't you ever say anything? Because I know it wasn't recent, I would have noticed if it was. So since when?"
"I don't know, since always maybe?"
"Is this like Lily?"
"No, no, no. It is not"
"Then? What is this? Because James, Jamie, I swear. I love you, you're my brother or as close as that, but Regulus… He's already lived enough of a shitty life without having more drama than necessary. I don 't want his heart to be broken, and it's obvious that he likes you too and I don't know, maybe he loves you, it has always been very easy for him to love, and I wouldn't want you to be one of the people who takes that love and throws it away. It's not because I thinks you would, but I just need to be sure... is this momentary? I know I'm asking a lot, but I need to know."
“I don't know Sirius, I really don't know. I don't know if it will be forever, but what I can tell you right now is that I want it to be forever. You are my friend, my brother and if not… you don't want me to-“
“Don't make it about me, it's about Regulus. He is his own person, and before I didn't understand what that meant, I'm still trying to figure it out. At the end of the day, it's his decision, but by Merlin James if I'm not going to make sure he's okay. Do you know what I mean? I can't stop you from being a couple, I'm not a fucking dictator. I am not my mother, I will not tell Regulus what to do with his life, I will not try to make him do what I want. But then it only leaves me to you to do something”
"What do you want me to do? You already said you don't want me to break up with Regulus for you and it's not like I am going to do it anyway."
“You know James, I'm selfish, I've never denied it. And I'm not going to apologize for it. So just… take care of him. You are a good person, much better than me. And you also feel with all your heart, so as long as Reg loves you, take care of him and cherish him." Sirius feels himself lost in his mind and knows he must look pretty crazy talking while gesturing wildly with his hands. "I 'm asking you to make my brother your priority, always, always your priority. You can't leave him first, wake up one day and realize that you didn't really like him as much as you thought, that you didn't love him. If you're going to be with him you can't back out, because then I- I don't know what I'd do” and James understood that what Sirius was asking was too irrational, unrealistic, but still, the way his eyes were wide in desperation , his whole body trembled in anticipation made him smile and accept "you are just as important to me, but don't put me in a situation where I have to choose"
"I get it. I care about Regulus, I want him to be happy, I want him to be safe and that's not going to change because we're a couple or not. I understand what you mean and I will do my best, I will give my all because it is the least that he deserve, both of you. I love him very much Sirius and as long as he loves me, I'm willing to be here for life." James then offers his hand and Sirius takes it. "Are we still friends?"
“You will never get rid of me. I've never told you, but it was you who saved me, you taught me that there were more options. And I love you for it. Thank you"
"I love you too"
Sirius lets out an awkward, slightly manic laugh, letting relief wash over him.
"Good, nice. I would punch you again by the way”
“Then you will have to learn to do it better, what are you? A first year?"
"You fixed things with James." Sirius nearly jumped to the ceiling in shock. They're back outside McGonagall's classroom, his friends already inside waiting for him.
“So it seems, yes”
"Fine." Regulus turns to go back the way he came, but then Sirius stops him by placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Wait"
Sirius sticks his entire arm into his bag, searching through the expanding charm. Until finally after a few seconds of awkward silence he pulls out a rectangular box.
"Happy belated birthday"
"What is-?"
Regulus snatches the box from his brother, his lips forming a wild smile and his eyes sparkling with amusement.
"I remember once you said you wanted one but... Yeah, I couldn't get it for you then."
“Siri this is amazing”
The gift in question was a children's chemistry set. Once, many years ago, Regulus had seen one of the neighboring Muggle children play with one, but when he had asked his mother for one, she had grounded him all summer. He had never asked for anything again, and although his brother was more than willing to get him whatever thing he wanted it, even he didn't know how to get around Muggle London.
"It's your first birthday away, so I thought this would be a nice gift to celebrate it."
They had never been good at apologizing to each other, instead they always found a way to make it up to each other. But when they hug, it's clear they don't need any more words.
Sirius watches with a bit of amusement and a bit of disgust at how his best friend is completely besotted for his brother. The two are arguing over where Regulus is going to sit on the ride home, and though James insists he sit with them, he knows he'll eventually give in to Regulus and his desire to sit with his own Slytherin friends.
Remus was already sitting in the compartment, one arm keeping Sirius leaning against him.
Peter is watching just as amusedly that he, like James, loses any sense of dignity.
And for the first time in a while Sirius didn't feel out of control, like his emotions were too much. He knew he wasn't okay, call it a family curse or a disease, but he wasn't okay. And in moments like this he remembered a conversation at the beginning of sixth year, when he and Remus – his love, his life – would fight to find each other again.
“Should I love you? I have been wondering this for a while. Should i love you? After what you did, would it be right for me to love you? Would it be fair to me?"
“I'm not… I'm not well Remus, and I want to be better. And I'm going to treat it, so you don't have to love me… Not how I am now and not how I may be later.”
"I think Sirius, I would love you either way."
He wasn't okay but he would try to find the center of him, learn to live with it inside of him. He would do it for Remus who deserved no less, for Peter who never doubted that there was something good in him, for James who was his first friend, for Regulus whom he had sworn to take care of all his life. He would do it for himself, because he's more than a name or a cursed bloodline.
He was no longer an 11-year-old boy desperately struggling to take care of the one good thing in his life.
He was no longer a 14-year-old boy struggling to accept that he was in love.
He no longer wanted to be the same 16-year-old with too much anger inside of him.