Chapter Text
The change in season might not be obvious for someone who has never experienced a typical Swedish autumn before. Maybe the phenomena can be compared to when the swift change from summer to fall happens, when the warm evenings get replaced by nights with cold breezes, when the leaves start to fall from the trees and the darkness makes itself known earlier and earlier in the nights. But according to Simon, autumn can also be divided into two parts. First comes the time when the trees are more yellow in their colors, before everything starts to wither and you still can hang on to the feeling of summer somewhere, when you're just not ready for the darkness and cold to take over just yet.
When Simon leaves the house to go to school that morning, he realizes he hasn’t noticed that the change has happened, but now he does. There is nothing left of summer, no matter how desperately he wants it to be. The breezes have no warmth in them whatsoever anymore, the trees are getting naked and the cold rain is pouring without mercy, the puddles making splashing sounds underneath his sneakers when he leaves the house together with Sara. It makes everything going on inside of him a bit sadder, now having to face the fact that he has to leave summer behind and face the cold winter ahead instead.
He notices the reporter and the photographer before they notice him and even if he shouldn’t be, he gets so surprised he stops in his tracks with Sara almost bumping into him. But he knows that no matter how much his heart starts to race, there is no way he’s going to be able to avoid them this time. And he’s right, it only takes a few seconds before they see him as well and for them to immediately get into action.
Their precious cameras and the reporter’s wellmade hair are being protected by umbrellas, while Simon is not. He is wearing a raincoat and at least the hood is over his hair and protects his face from most of the raindrops. It will perhaps also shield him from some of the camera flashes as well if they choose to try to take any pictures of him.
He notices how his body tenses when he moves towards them and he has to give all he has to not turn back and get back inside the warm house again to hide away from the vultures. Him and Sara are already a bit late for the bus and they really have to hurry, and definitely don’t have time to get hold up, and especially not by doing this.
“Simon!”
The tone of the reporter is cherry, just like every reporter ever trying to get his attention. He pretends he doesn’t see them even if they almost crash when Simon very deliberately doesn’t stop when he and Sara reach him. Sara seems just as determined next to him to never even slow down a little bit for them.
“Simon, please, could we just ask you a few questions? Have you seen the Crown prince? Have you been to the hospital?”
He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want to. The annoyance he at first feels when he spots them surprisingly quickly turns into anger. How on earth can they think he wants to talk to them? He has never ever shown any will to ever speak to a reporter, why would he do it now? And how even dare they turn up here? Realistically he knows they are doing their job, in some strange, strange way some people actually do this for a living, but there are boundaries after all, and wouldn’t they have at least a little understanding that he might find the whole situation a bit heavy?
He ignores them, like he always does, and for a second he feels like they might follow him and Sara when they keep rushing towards the bus stop. But to his relief, they don’t. Hopefully they understand that they won’t get anything out of him even if he still can hear them yelling questions after them.
“Was it you that he visited when he got attacked? Why was he alone out here in the middle of the night?”
Obviously he doesn’t answer them, but the urge to turn around and ask them to fuck off is almost too impossible to resist and he might even have done it if he just wasn’t so sure how much trouble that would give him from pretty much everyone. But the question makes something twist around his heart, almost piercing it all together. Yes, why was Wilhelm alone out here in the middle of the night? And Simon knows the answer, because Simon left him there… Because Simon is an idiot.
However, the realization that they actually need to run the last bit when they see the bus coming makes him drop those thoughts at least for now and just let his head and body be filled with adrenaline from the short sprint. They are lucky that the bus driver sees them, and waits for them to hop on the bus before driving away again.
He’s still out of breath when he sits down on one of the seats. Sara sits down next to him.
“Are you alright?”
He looks out the window, the rain keeps pouring down, he puts the cap of his jacket down from his head, drops from it getting into his hair.
“Yeah… I can’t believe they actually think I’m going to answer any of their questions…”
“I know…”
Simon doesn't look at her, but he’s still sure she’s giving him one of those looks she has given him so many times the past week. But she doesn’t say anything else, and neither does Simon, they just sit silent for the rest of the ride while he watches the rain pour outside. He can feel how people are staring at him, he’s getting kind of used to it by now, a lot of kids at Marieberg take this bus as well but he’s just glad that no one is trying to talk to him, maybe Sara sitting next to him makes some sort of difference.
“Didn’t you say there would be a press conference today, by the way?” Simon asks as they hurriedly make their way up towards the school building a while later in the pouring rain.
“Yeah, at two.”
They can’t be described as anything else but drenched when they make their way to their lockers and there might actually be puddles of rain water forming from Simon’s shoes.
He gets through the two first classes and is actually able to pay some attention, even if the thoughts of Wilhelm never really leaves him, or the call he received in the middle of the night. But Simon hasn’t heard anything more from him than the text this morning. He thinks about trying to call him in the break between classes, just to make sure that everything actually is alright, but he’s afraid he will be overheard by someone and that there just won’t be enough time and he’ll have to rush it, so he decides to wait until lunch. But right before the third class of the day, the last one before lunch, he stands by his locker to change his books, when his phone pings.
Simon glances down at it, thinking it is something unimportant, that most of the pings have been the last days. But it’s a new message in his group chat with Ayub and Rosh. the Words: Have you seen this? Followed by a link, and how is Simon supposed to not click at it right away?
Another loop swirls in his stomach when it takes him to a news outlet and the head line: Crown Prince is seen leaving the hospital.
Had Wilhelm left the hospital without telling him? He quickly checks all of the unread notifications on the screen, nothing from his boyfriend,
He goes back to the article, and to his great fear, another video is available on the site. Simon hastily reads through the text. A witness has apparently seen Wilhelm enter a car in the parking garage at the hospital and then seen it leave the building, the witness also managed to take a short video clip of it all.
A wave of rage washes through him, why the fuck can’t people just leave Wilhelm alone? Why must they invade his privacy every chance they get? Why must they record every single step he takes all of the fucking time? Isn’t human decency worth more than an article in a newspaper? More than views on the internet?
Without really thinking about it, he clicks play on the video.
It’s just 42 seconds long and very shaky, very obviously filmed without permission, from someone doing their best not to be shown. It’s very clearly Wilhelm and his father in the video, in the same parking garage that Simon himself had been in just two days prior. Wilhelm’s getting into a black car, or rather trying to get into a car. The filming has been made from some distance, and Wilhelms back is towards the camera, but even so, you can clearly see that he’s in pain. The footage shows him making an attempt to get in, with the help from his dad, but how he stops when he tries to bend down, and a second later getting up again with an agonizing cry. A lump forms in Simon’s throat as he watches Ludvig put his arms around his son and Wilhelm accepting the hug and it looks like he breathes heavily from the effort. Simon sees how Ludvig says something to Wilhelm and how he in return weakly nods his head. He makes a new attempt and this time, with the help from his dad, Wilhelm gets down low enough to actually get into the car. Ludvig swiftly gets around the vehicle and gets in on the other side. The camera angle doesn’t change, and the big car gets out of the picture and the video ends.
Simon’s heart absolutely aches with the pain that he just saw Wilhelm being put through just in the few seconds. And even if he doesn’t want to, he also feels a bit hurt at the fact that Wilhelm hasn’t told him that he’s on his way home. He knows that Wilhelm doesn’t owe him to tell him anything, but still. Hasn’t Simon made sure that Wilhelm can call him anytime, that Simon is ready all the time if Wilhelm wants to talk? And a particularly bitter part of Simon thinks that Wilhelm actually does owe him to tell him things like this, because hasn’t Simon been by his bedside for two whole days waiting for him to wake up? Hasn’t Simon been pulled apart by how worried he’s been? And still, that part of him is nowhere near as big as the part breaking him down from just the thought of how much pain Wilhelm still must be in, if he acts like that, by just getting into a car.
He pounders sending a text to Wilhelm to let him know that he’s aware that Wilhelm has been allowed to leave the hospital, but he hesitates. There must be a reason he hasn’t told Simon, and maybe he should just let him take his time? The conversation they had when Wilhelm woke up from the nightmare absolutely scared him, but he still thinks it was a way for them to get rid of some of the distance he felt between them since Wilhelm woke up. At least to Simon, it showed that Wilhelm still trusts him and is the one he seeks for comfort.
He has to be patient, he decides. He needs to let Wilhelm have his space, needs to let him approach Simon again at his own pace, no matter how hard it is for Simon to stand back. All his heart is screaming at him now is how much he wants everything to be normal between them again, but nothing is anymore, not since that night.
Everything goes back to that night. Everything that is wrong started that night, ending in Wilhelm almost dying.
And Simon suddenly knows what he has to do. He can’t be considerate anymore, can’t keep playing games. He has to know what happened right before they left the party on Saturday, why Wilhelm had been so upset, why he all of a sudden had had the thoughts he did, questioning their relationship.
He jumps when he feels someone putting a hand on him.
“Hey! Oh, sorry, did I scare you?” Felice looks concerned at him.
“Don’t worry.”
“Did you see that Wilhelm got to leave the hospital?”
He nods briefly and throws a look at his screen that still has the video open, but not playing.
“Did you know he was about to, had he told you?” Felice sounds insecure, as if she already knows the answer and is not sure of Simon’s reaction to her question.
“No, I didn’t”, he answers, voice more bitter than he intended, but not as bitter as he feels on the inside.
“I’m sure he wanted to, maybe he just didn’t have time…” Her hand is still on him, stroking him affectionately over the arm.
“It’s fine.” He gives her a smile that he is trying to be reassuring, she smiles back.
They both look around as a group of students loudly make their way towards them. Simon and Felice stand there in silence as the third years get past them and Simon’s heart makes a leap when he notices David among them, all of them heading to their lockers on the other end of the corridor. It’s very brief, but Simon notices the glance David throws him before just as quickly looking away. Adrian is not in the group, and Simon immediately knows what he has to do and makes a quick decision.
“See you later”, he tells Felice with another half attempted smile, and before she can stop him or question him, he goes after the group of older students. Some sort of fire burns in his stomach, he needs to take this opportunity.
“David?”
The third year turns around and the smile he’s obviously had before quickly vanishes from his face when he lets his eyes land on Simon. There is something sparkling in them, Simon notices, a glimpse of panic, maybe? But Simon is determined not to let him get away this time.
“Can we… talk? Please?”
“Uhm…”
David looks around, everyone around them has gone quiet, all eyes on the two of them. Simon can practically see how every brain cell in David does what they can to come up with a reason or an excuse not to do as Simon wants him to, and he also quickly looks pleading at the other third years, desperately trying to get some help to get out of this, but no one says anything at all.
“Please?” Simon tries again, because he thinks that is the best way to do this. He’s already figured out that David is feeling guilty about something, and maybe it’s making Simon a bad person, but he has no problem playing on that at this point.
“I…” David stammers and nervously scratches his neck before he lets out a resigned sigh. “Okay…”
Simon lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. “Great, maybe we could….” He makes a general gesture towards the classrooms, with the intention of getting David to follow him into an empty one where they’ll be able to talk without anyone listening to, or interrupting them.
If possible, David looks even more nervous at the action, looking around at his friends and maybe he expected the talk to happen here, in front of everybody, where Simon couldn’t make any allegations about drugs towards him, or asking any tough questions, but no, Simon is not going to do that.
“I really want to talk to you alone”, Simon clarifies and adds “if that’s okay with you?” because as much as he needs David to tell him what happened that night, he also wants to make it clear that he’s not forcing David to anything.
Simon watches the request make a few laps in David’s head, and he can clearly see when David comes to the conclusion that there really shouldn’t be any reason for him to say no, because that would mean he has something to hide, right? His body seems to slightly collapse when he exhales a big sigh.
“Alright, okay, let’s go.”
Simon notices how David takes a last look around, maybe still hoping that anyone in the group will save him, but no one does, and Simon can feel how David is following him a few steps behind when he walks through the corridor, and he can definitely feel the eyes of the third years looking after them as they go. He chooses a random classroom that he thinks will be abandoned for some time and the silence feels crushing when David closes the door behind them and for a moment, Simon has no idea what to say.
So instead, he chooses to take another look at David, and the third year is still wearing the same tense expression in his body, still executing the nervous flickering gaze. David stays close to the door, maybe in a way to always be close to escape if he wants to.
The silence apparently gets too much for David because he’s the first one to break it.
“So, what was it that you wanted to talk about?”
The tremble in his voice doesn’t get unnoticed to Simon and he lets out a small sigh. So that’s his strategy then, playing it cool.
“I want to talk about the night of the party.”
Simon keeps his eyes locked on David, and he shows no surprise to Simon’s words. But he still tries to play it off.
“What about it?”
Simon watches as David nervously fiddles with his arm sleeves, and he only looks at Simon for a second before he pulls his gaze away, looking at anything but Simon again.
Simon is quiet. He’s not sure how to do this. He knows the answers to his questions are so close, but he also understands that this can go so wrong if he doesn’t go on about this the right way. He needs David to want to tell him, if that is something that is even possible. He knows the third year feels bad about something, that he maybe even feels guilt or remorse about what happened. Maybe the best thing is to just play on that.
“I know you and your friend Adrian met Wille that night…” Simon starts, and does everything he can to not sound accusing, he’s just laying out the facts and before David can say anything against him, he continues. “I know you met him, people saw you together…”
To Simon’s surprise David doesn’t look like he wants to argue, in a way he just looks defeated when he for a moment meets Simon’s gaze. Simon continues.
“And I need to know what happened, because…” He trails off again, not with the purpose to make a theatrical intermission, or for some dramatic effect, but because he has to, a big lump forming in his throat at the memories and he takes the moment to let his gaze wander off David, suddenly feeling too exposed by his own very real emotions to keep it there. He takes a deep breath before continuing.
“He said some things to me afterwards…” He notices how his own voice cracks a little, but he doesn’t care, he just needs to get it all out now that he’s started. “…things that really hurt, and I need to know why, I need to know why he even thought like that because he’d been so happy earlier. I just need to know what you talked about…”
He dares another look at David, who looks like he’s on the verge of either making a run for it or breaking down completely. Simon takes a small step towards him and lowers his voice to a whisper when he continues:
“I know it’s not out there, but I know that he had taken something…”
He’s definitely out on deep water here, and he knows that every word he says might be the tipping point of David leaving the room and all of Simon’s questions unanswered, but he can see that he is getting through. David looks worn down where he stands by the door, but Simon doesn’t think it looks like he’s on his way to open it anymore. Simon takes another step forward, a small one, with his eyes still on David’s. He tries to give him his best pleading look, the one he may or may not use on Wilhelm when Simon wants him to do something for him. Even if it has been a hundred percent effective on his boyfriend this far, he has no idea if it'll work on somebody else. David does meet his eyes for a second, but he quickly shakes his head and looks away again.
“Simon, listen I…” He sounds broken and Simon feels sorry for him. It doesn’t feel good to pressure him like this, but it’s the only way he will ever know what happened, and what could really be so bad that David feels this strong about it?
“I want to tell you.” David continues, and meets Simon’s eyes again. “…but I can’t. I just can’t.”
Simon refrains from sighing again.
“Why?”
David does sigh, and he also puts his face in his hands where he keeps standing with his back against the closed door.
“Because… because…”
Simon watches him stand there for a moment or two and let him have, what seems to be, a small crisis of some kind, without interfering. But if this is about him being scared that Simon will tell anyone about the drugs, the least he can do is reassure him that he has no such plans.
“If you’re worried that I’ll report you for the drugs, I really don’t care about that…”
“It's not about the drugs!”
The outburst is so unexpected that Simon can’t help but flinch where he stands just a meter away from him. He feels how David’s arm briefly brushes his own as the older boy pushes past him and Simon follows him surprised with his eyes and watches him heavily sit down on the chair by the desk closest to Simon. When David puts his elbows on the desk, his face is in his hands and he starts to breathe loudly, Simon steps closer. His heart beats fast in his chest, he has no idea what’s going on.
He doesn’t know what to say for a long time, but when he finally sees how David’s breathing starts to calm down he can’t help but ask:
“Are you alright?”
David doesn’t answer and Simon isn’t sure he even heard the question at all.
Hesitantly, Simon takes a chair and sits down opposite David, who still hasn’t looked up from his hands. They’re quiet for a long time and Simon seriously starts to worry that there’s something wrong with David. He’s just about to ask the question again when David talks instead.
“Okay, I guess I’ll have to tell you…” His voice is thick with angst, or David is possibly close to tears. “I know you won’t let it go, and I don’t think I can either…”
The weight of a million bricks falls from Simon’s chest at those words. He feels exhausted, and emotional, and yes, maybe he’s close to tears as well, but he’s also so freaking relieved that he’s finally getting to know what really happened.
“Thank you”, he whispers, but it’s so low he doesn’t know if David even hears him.
To Simon’s demise David doesn’t start speaking immediately. Simon watches as the other boy takes his hands from his face, puts them on the table in front of him, keeping his eyes on them, like he’s looking at them, but Simon can tell his mind is somewhere else. Simon lets him take his time, won’t rush anything when he’s this close, knows that David won’t change his mind, he can feel it in the air that David is telling the truth, that the guilt is not something he’ll be able to carry anymore.
David’s voice is hoarse when he finally speaks again.
“I want you to know that it’s not just us… I get that it won’t feel better, but I just want you to know that…”
Simon has no idea what he’s talking about.
“Okay?”
David lifts his eyes and meets Simon’s. They are damp but some of the angst disappears when they lock eyes and get replaced by something else. Simon can’t define exactly what it is, but it’s definitely softer. Something in Simon’s inside takes even more pity on the boy in front of him, but at the same time the bell of warning keeps ringing in his head. He has no idea what David’s going to tell him, but whatever it is, it’s not going to be good.
“God, you’re going to hate me…”
David is unable to keep eye contact and the words are thick with regret and they are a bit surprising to Simon. That sinister ball of angst and worry settles harder than ever in his stomach. He wonders for less than a second why David would care so much that Simon will hate him, they don’t even know each other, but his mind very quickly decides that it’s not important right now and breathes out another “Okay…” instead, because he has no idea what else to say.
“So I guess, before I tell you about what happened that night I need you to know about the bet.”
David seems to have gained another batch of strength because his voice is suddenly stronger and he’s looking at Simon again who determinately meets his eyes, even if he feels more confused than ever. When he doesn’t say anything back David goes on.
“It started last year, right after Wilhelm, uhm, gave that speech…”
Flashes of memories wash over Simon when he’s thrown back to that day, the day that everything changed for them, when his life got turned upside down. He can see the camera flashes and the unpleasant sensation of people’s attention on him, how everything for a second seemed to have creeped up on him and caught him in a tight hold.
“What started?” He asks instead of letting the emotions and memories get the better of him, and maybe his voice sounds a bit harsher than he intends to, but he’s really doing everything he can not to jump to conclusions by himself before hearing what David has to say.
“It was the third years in Forest Ridge that started it.” David tells him and quickly elaborates before Simon has a chance to interrupt.. “It was probably meant as a joke at first, no one thought it would spread this much.”
Simon’s not sure he really wants to know, but he still asks:
“That what would spread?”
All of his inside is going into a nervous mess again. David looks him straight in the eyes when he answers.
“The bet of how long it would take before you two broke up.”
Ice cold chills run through Simon’s body as the words wash over him and he actually understands what David is telling him, even if he actually doesn’t really understand, not to the fullest at least.
“What are you talking about?”
He doesn’t care anymore that he sounds harsh, he’s just pleased if he can keep the hurt from his voice, he can’t get emotional now, not before he has all the information.
“I realize now how cruel it is…” David tells him and also has the decency to look ashamed while he does. He bites his lip for a second before he goes on, still not looking at Simon. “...but we all sort of had a bet going on about how long it would take for Wilhelm to dump you.”
“What?”
Simon can’t help the word of surprise, his inside feels all mushy and cold, his brain kind of light, like he’s not actually here at all, like it’s just a dream or some kind of cruel joke going on.
“I know, i know..:” David says and finally gives him a look again, and it’s full of pity which only makes Simon more angry. “Most of the boys were sure you wouldn’t make it till summer break….” He makes a short pause and looks Simon straight in the eyes again. Everything in Simon wants to look away, to not let him see the hurt, but he forces himself to keep still. “and when you did… Well, the bet went on… But the question wasn’t when Wilhelm would leave you anymore, but when you would have enough of everything and leave him…”
Simon can feel the familiar burning sensation behind his eyelids, he’s not sure if it’s most from hurt or from anger. The memories hit him again, of how it had been for them before summer break, how hard both he and Wilhelm had to work to pull through, to be together. How Simon, in the most desperate times, for a second or two, had had the thought of just leaving it all behind, but how he just couldn’t. Because he loved Wilhelm more than he hated the scrutiny.
And during this time most people at school had seen them as a joke, something they could get entertainment from. For a moment Simon feels sick. He obviously knows that this place is full of privileged assholes, and he feels kind of stupid that he’s never realized just how big assholes they really are. Of course they could never see Simon as a serious partner to the Crown Prince, they had to make them into something to laugh at.
“And this bet is still…on?” Simon is surprised himself with how calm he sounds even if everything in him wants to scream and rage. But he can’t, not yet, he needs to find out more, needs to know what all of this has to do with what happened at the night of the party.
But some of his true emotions most for sure shine through, because David looks like he doesn’t want to answer him at first, like he doesn’t want to burden him with more facts. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to make more confessions about how much of an absolute jerk he is.
“Uhm… yeah…” He hesitantly says after a moment. “When you came back from summer break and were still together, and well…” For a second David looks embarrassed “everybody could see how in love you still were…” He silences again and throws Simon an uneasy look, like the words coming out of his mouth are difficult for him to say. “some just let it go. The third years were gone, but some of us new third years took over and well…”
He looks away again and it’s something in Simon’s gut that knows that this is going to get worse.
“And well?” Simon asks, his heart beating a million miles an hour.
David takes a deep breath.
“Well… It sort of… got out of hand in a way…”
He doesn’t continue and Simon is impressed that he doesn’t reach out and strangle him on the spot. Instead he sits quietly, watches David and lets him know that there is no way he will let this go until the third year has told him exactly everything.
David throws him several uneasy looks but doesn’t seem to be able to keep the eye contact intact.
“God, you’re really going to hate me…”
Simon doesn’t argue with that, in fact, he already isn’t too very fond of the whole situation and already feels some kind of hate for anyone in this school that has the knowledge of this bet ever existing. But he also knows that David isn’t one of the worst, Simon has even had the impression that he’s been a pretty decent person, but that image is really about to change now.
“Just tell me.” Simon more or less demands and he had no idea that he is able to do that.
“Okay, okay… So, after summer break it sort of went a bit wild…. I really thought the bet would die down when everyone saw that you two were still together… But…”
David silencers once again and Simon doesn’t know how long he can just sit there and let him not say anything.
“The bet sort of changed…” David admits just before Simon is going to explode. “The stakes got higher, and instead of just, you know, waiting for you to break up, people started to take it into their own hands…”
“What did you do?”
It’s impossible to hide the fear and loath from his voice, but he doesn’t care. He needs to know what happened, but at the same time he doesn’t, because this can’t be good.
“At first, I think they just tried to get Wilhelm to break up with you…”
The burning sensation behind his eyelids and in his chest is back, the one that always makes itself present when someone is talking about him and Wilhem breaking up, but now it also originates from the absolute humiliation he knows he shouldn’t feel but can’t help that he does.
“...like, telling him how not good enough for him you are and how much better he would be without you, how he should be with someone, you know, in our league, and stuff like that.”
David once again looks apologetic when he says that, but something seems to have loosen within him, because he keeps talking and Simon isn’t sure David can see how close Simon is from breaking down, but it doesn’t seem to matter anyway.
“But you know, Wilhelm didn’t really listen to that, at least not in the beginning. He just got angry with anyone ever commenting on anything like that, anyone ever saying anything about you really, and after a while we all noticed he started to avoid us all together…”
Simon can really understand how talk about Simon not being good enough for Wilhelm would never affect him in the way the third years wished. It would affect Simon, definitely, but if there was something Simon was sure of, it was that his boyfriend would never see Simon as anything else but too good for him. Not that he was, but Simon is aware that Wilhelm thinks that.
“... and when they realized that didn’t work, they tried other things…”
For the first time in a while David takes a break and really looks at Simon. He feels so exposed where he sits, with his emotions, with his anger, with his fear of where this is going. Simon thinks he can see something that resembles sadness in David’s eyes but he doesn’t know why, if it’s because he feels sorry for Simon, or if he feels sorry for himself.
“And well… it sort of leads us into what happened that night when… when…”
What the fuck did you do, Simon wants to scream in David’s face but doesn’t. It feels like he’s lost the ability to speak, or at least that his brain has forgotten how to do it. He has no idea what they did to Wilhelm yet, but the things that he has heard so far makes him understand that the limits of how far they are willing to take things to win this stupid bet might be very, very far away.
David looks away again but before he turns his head away Simon can see that the sadness in his eyes gets replaced by something else that there’s no time to determine exactly what it is before it’s gone again.
“I want you to know that I didn’t really care about the bet… That was never why I did it, I mean, I know it was shitty, but…”
For some reason that Simon really has no idea, David’s face turns into a deep red colour. Simon wonders for a second what other reason David has had to be a part of this if he didn’t care about the bet, but that is not really important at the moment. As strange as David’s reaction is, there are other things Simon needs to get to the bottom of.
“What did you do?” He breathes out instead, terrified of the answer but still knows he will never let go until he knows the truth, no matter how much it will hurt.
“You see, Adrian had bet that you would break up before the autumn break…” David still doesn’t look at him, keeping his eyes glued to the table. “... and he really made it all about getting it, the price for winning had gotten ridiculously high at this point, he was really eager to win…”
David silences yet again and Simon can tell he’s getting anxious. Simon doesn’t say anything, but he can feel how it starts to itch under his skin from his own nerves and fear of what he is going to be told.
“I knew he had plans to talk to Wilhelm during that night…”
Simon is a bit surprised when David looks up and looks straight at him. The sadness is back in his eyes and the angst and regret reeks from all of his body.
“I don’t know if you remember, but we took some shots with him, it was right after you…”
David turns bright red again and if Simon hadn’t been so angry and scared maybe he would have found it ridiculous that he got so embarrassed talking about him and Wilhelm kissing.
“I remember”, Simon says instead to save David from any more of whatever is going on and to get to the point faster.
“When we did, Adrian asked him to come look for us before he left. Told him it was important, that we needed to talk to him about something… I didn’t think he would actually do it, especially after seeing you two together again after that… But he did…”
It gets silent again but the tension is still there. David looks like he’s close to tears when he continues.
“I had no idea, I swear… I just thought he was going to talk to him… That maybe he thought that when Wilhelm had been drinking he would be more… perceivable for what he had to say… and he had a slightly different approach this time, talking about how unfair Wilhelm was to you , that there was no chance Wilhelm could be worth being with considering everything you were being put through because of him. And this time Adrian made sure that he would listen, because we… He…“ David silences again.
“What did you do?” Simon asks again and he really has no patience with this anymore, he just needs to know what happened, what they did to Wilhelm.
“I swear, I didn’t know… I didn’t even see them first, but Adrian had these pills...”
“You fucking drugged him?”
Simon can’t contain himself anymore. His whole body is shaking and without realizing it, he’s up on his feet.
“Shh,” David looks terrified as he hushes Simon and waves at him to sit down again. Simon can see that he regrets everything he’s told Simon, the sadness in his eyes is gone and he looks more scared than ever.
“I didn’t say that…”
His voice is shaky and Simon has no idea what to do. He’s so furious with what David is telling him, what they did to Wilhelm, his Wilhelm, to get him to break up with Simon. It’s beyond crazy and beyond every word ever existing.
“You drugged him?” He asks again, more calm this time because even if that is what David is telling him, Simon can’t believe it. It’s too unbelievable, too cruel, too fucked up.
“Oh god, I’m so stupid…”
Simon catches David as he puts his face in his hands again and Simon has to do everything in his powers not to slap them away, to make him look at Simon, to make him see Simon’s fury.
After a few seconds he looks up again, but it isn’t the apologetic, anxious eyes that Simon is expecting to meet. David looks absolutely terrified.
“You know what… Just forget it.”
Simon can’t believe he’s hearing it right.
“What?”
“I didn’t mean anything of what I said, it’s just bullshit. If you plan to tell the school…”
“The school?” Simon really can’t believe this is happening. “Are you crazy, I’m going to the police!”
David now also jumps up on his feet, and for a second, Simon thinks it’s to physically stop him from moving further. But he just stands up and doesn’t move towards him, or at all, and Simon thinks he might be conflicted about what to do as well.
“And tell them what?” Comes David’s response a few seconds later, now with something dangerously close to combativeness in his voice.
“That you drugged him.” Simon can’t believe he has to spell it out, David just admitted to it, didn’t he?
“I didn’t say that. And you can’t prove it.”
Simon can’t believe this is happening.
“Yes, you just did.”
"No, I didn't.” David sounds way too calm for Simon’s liking. “And if you tell anyone I’ll just deny it. The police know that Wilhelm had drugs in his body, and if I have to, I’ll tell them he took them himself.”
“But he didn’t…”
“Yes he did.” David tells in such an overly confident way that Simon knows he is lying, that maybe he tells himself that if he says it enough, and believes it himself, that it will be true.
Simon feels like throwing up. Or throwing something at David. He can feel every cell of his brain working full force to try to figure out what to do. Because no matter what David has said, or implied, he is also right. Simon can’t prove anything. Wilhelm doesn’t remember anything from that night, there’s no way he can deny taking the pills himself if David and Adrian decide to tell someone he did. Going to the police would bring nothing but more stress and attention to them, no matter what Simon’s heart tells him.
“You are…” Simon begins to breathe out between gritted teeth, but his brain doesn’t offer him anything more, because what word can he possibly use to describe David at this point? A coward or asshole feels way too nice. “He almost died.” He says instead, his heart trembling at the words but he’s so desperate to make David feel bad enough to just confess it all and take responsibility for what he’s done.
David doesn’t lash out, or defend himself again. Instead he whispers “I know.” and looks down on the floor and for a second Simon thinks he might have gotten to him. But he’s wrong.
“There’s just no way I’m risking getting expelled or having a police report against me… I’m sorry Simon, I really, really am…” At the last words he looks up again, meeting Simon’s furious gaze. And he does look sorry, his eyes watery and his body looking like it’s being weighed down by a hundred rocks. But Simon doesn’t care.
“Fuck you,” He says as he gets himself ready to flee the room. He can’t stand to look at David anymore and he thinks there might be a risk that he will crawl out of his own skin from anger.
He starts to take a few angry steps towards the door, his head feels like it’s been filled with fog and he thinks he might be in a bit of a shock from everything he’s heard and all the information his head needs to sort out. But right before he reaches the door, there is a thought that he knows he needs to get the answer to before he can turn his back to David and hopefully never see him again. He thinks David is as surprised as him when he, with one hand on the door handle, turns around and faces David again.
“Why?”
David looks at him questionably.
“I mean, why? If you didn’t care about the bet, then why? And why are you telling me? It just doesn’t make any sense… When you talk about him it’s like you really…”
the “care” never leaves his mouth because right before he says it it all comes down on him and it all of a sudden makes all the sense in the world and he can’t believe he didn’t understand it sooner, David’s flustered face, the way he had a hard time even talking about his and Wilhelm’s relationship.
“Do you…” His brain needs a second to figure out how to ask the question he already knows the answer to.
“Are you in love with Wille?”
David doesn’t answer him, but his deep red cheeks and the way his eyes all of a sudden seem to puddle in panic is all the answer Simon needs.
“I…” David stutters. ”I mean, Wilhelm is great and all, but it’s not him that I…” He stops himself and throws Simon a look and if possible, turns even redder, looking away from Simon a second later. Simon can’t believe it.
“Please… don’t tell him…” Davids pleads and Simon has no idea if he means just this part or everything, but it doesn’t matter because another burst of anger consumes him. This is all so fucked up he doesn’t even begin to know what to do.
“You stay away from him. And from me” Simon can hear the threat in his own voice and he wants David to hear it too. “ I mean it. If I ever see you close to any of us again, I’ll go to the police, I swear.”
He barely has time to register the look of hurt and guilt in David’s face before Simon turns his back on him. He thinks his body is shaking when he leaves the room but he doesn’t stop to find out. He can’t really see anything in the hallway he’s passing through, everything is just in a haze as he hurries to get away. If he passes anyone he can’t see them but he briefly thinks that he at least hopes that no one gets a glimpse of his face.
He has no idea where he’s going, all he knows is that he needs to get away from here. To do what, he’s not sure of. He wants to pick up the phone to call the police.
Those fucking bastards. Simon still can’t believe it’s true. Just the revealing of the bet makes his blood boil, but to think how far they actually took it. He can’t actually believe they drugged Wilhelm to make him break up with Simon, it’s just too much to take in, it’s too evil, even for people at this school.
The tears are threatening to break though, he thinks it’s more from anger than anything because no matter how much he doesn’t want to acknowledge it, David is right, Simon can’t prove anything, there is no way for him to get away with an accusation like that, no matter how much Simon himself knows it’s true. Even if Wilhelm remembered the night, it would still be very difficult for him to prove that he hadn’t taken the pills himself. He’s so angry with himself for not having recorded the conversation, but to his defense, he never in a million years thought it would be this bad.
It takes him several minutes to realize he’s stopped and that he’s standing in front of his locker. He takes a quick look around but at least the hallway is empty. Next class must have started without him realizing it, but there is just no way that he can step into a classroom right now.
He takes his key from his jeans with a slight shake to his hand, mostly to have something to do because he’s not sure what he’s going to take out from his locker. But just when he opens the door up, something starts to vibrate in his pocket. It takes a few seconds for his confused mind to understand what it is, that someone is calling him. He takes a deep breath and is ready to disconnect whoever it is, and even when he sees that it’s Wilhelm’s name that flashes over the screen, he almost does. But he stops himself before his thumb reaches the red symbol. He can’t ignore Wilhelm. he just can’t.
He takes another deep breath before he swipes the green symbol instead.
“Hi.” He clears his throat and has no idea if he manages to sound as casual as he is aspiring to, all of his inside feels like a tornado on the loose, he just wants to lie down and let himself cry or scream, but he can’t, not right now.
“Hey, what are you doing? Are you busy?"
“No, it’s fine… I…” Simon doesn’t know what to say. He quickly glances around, no one is there to hear them. He almost blurts it out right there and then, almost tells Wilhelm everything that he just got told himself, about the bet, about the pills, just to get it out, just to get him to know about it, because Wilhelm needs to know, because Simon can’t be the only one to know, he has to let someone else in on it as well. But he doesn’t. He stops himself before any words that he can’t take back leaves his mouth. He feels so lost and has no idea what to do.
“Is everything okay?”
The concern in Wilhelm’s voice almost makes it spill for Simon again, he actively has to hold the tears back now.
“”Yeah, it’s fine… Actually…” He starts to ruffle with some things in his locker to cover up for the shake in his voice. “...I was just on my way outside, can you hold on for a second? I just need to put on my jacket.”
“Of course.”
It gives him a moment to pull himself together, to decide what to do, or not to do. He takes longer than necessary to put his raincoat on, and walk the short distance to the door leading outside. He feels like he’s in some sort of panic mode the whole time, and he briefly considers just telling Wilhelm he has class (which he actually does) and just hang up. But he doesn't want to. Wilhelm has called him for a reason, Simon can’t just ignore him now.
The cold wind hits him in the face as he steps outside and puts the phone back to his ear.
“Sorry, I can talk now. How are you?”
He thinks he sounds normal enough, and Wilhelm doesn’t seem to think there is something wrong, because he just answers his question.
“I’m okay… They let me go home today…”
He says the last part a bit hesitant, like he’s not sure how Simon will react to it.
“Yeah, I saw that…” He just answers lightly, because even if he felt a bit upset by it before, he just doesn’t care anymore, not when these other things have been revealed to him.
“Oh…” Wilhelm actually sounds a bit surprised by his lack of upsetness. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I really didn’t know they were going to let me go until the second they did… I was surprised, but apparently it was easier with the security…”
“It’s fine, you don’t have to apologize.”
To his relief the rain has stopped but the sky is still gray and the winds and clouds are implying there might be more to come. Simon has no idea where he’s going to go when he exits the main building, but the fresh air at least feels enlightening to his face.
The school grounds are empty, every single person being inside. His feet start to take him towards the lake and he doesn’t stop them. There are some moments of silence between them on the phone but Simon can clearly hear the sound of Wilhelm breathing on the other side, but he doesn’t say anything. Simon’s head feels like a mess, still incapable of deciding what to do. It feels better to talk about something else at the moment he decides,, so he continues.
“So, are you?”
Wilhelm seems to think for a second.
“Am I what?”
“At home?”
“Oh, yes. On my bed. I know I’m imagining it, but my pillow kind of smells like you…”
Simon surprises himself by almost chuckling.
“I don’t think you´re imagining anything, I… uhm, I stayed there when I visited you at the hospital…”
He knows that Wilhelm would never get mad at him for staying in his room, but he can’t help the loop of nervousness that goes through his stomach when he makes the confession.
“What? Like in my bed?”
“Yeah…. And I kind of stole a shirt out of your wardrobe too…” He thinks of it as it still lays on the floor of his bedroom. The expensive fabric should probably be treated better, but Simon just hasn’t had it in him to care.
“So it’s not just in my head? It actually is your smell? You’ve been here in my bed?”
Simon can’t help the ghost of a smile that his lips turn into at the gleeful tone in Wilhelm’s voice.
"Yeah, I was.”
“I really wish you were here right now.”
A pang of longing hits Simon.
“Me too.”
He has reached the shore. The wind is far more noticeable here and the cold grabs onto his cheeks. “I really miss you.” He adds because god he misses Wilhelm so much.
“I really miss you too.”
Wilhelm’s voice is low and sad and Simon can yet again feel the threatening of the tears behind his eyelids. He doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t have to, because Wilhelm continues, even if he sounds a bit hesitant.
“Maybe you can come here?” Simon can hear the hopefulness but also, for some reason, the fear of what Simon assumes of being rejected, behind the words. He hates that it’s there. “Maybe this weekend?”
Simon can’t help but smile again. There’s nothing he’d rather do.
“Of course, I’ll talk to mum and then look up the trains-”
“No!”
Simon jerks a bit from the surprise of Wilhelm’s abrupt interruption. Wilhelm is quick to elaborate.
“I’m sorry… I just,,, Please, let me send a car. Please .”
Simon has taken the train to Stockholm many times and he has no objections to doing it again. He’s never felt the need for a car driving all the way here just to pick him up and take him to Wilhelm. But it is different now, and he understands. He understands in the panicking way Wilhelm just asked him to do it. After the nightmares, after everything, the fear of something happening to Simon as well.
And maybe when Simon thinks about it, there is something inside of him that freezes too, for his own sake as well as Wilhelm’s, when he now knows that the threats they have received aren’t just threats anymore.
“Okay,” he says, because that is really the least he can do, and right now he will do anything to make Wilhelm feel safe and calm. “You can send a car.”
“Thank you.” Wilhelm sounds relieved, and maybe a bit surprised, like he expected Simon to put up more of a fight. “Saturday? I'll ask them to come get you in the morning. If that’s okay?”
Simon thinks about all the things he has to do, all the homework he’s behind on. He has no idea what his mum will say if he tells her he wants to leave for Stockholm again so soon, but he can’t seem to really care, he too wants to see Wilhelm as soon as possible again. Even waiting for Saturday feels too long, it’s two whole days away after all.
“Yes, Saturday morning sounds good.”
But having two days before going to Stockholm also means he has some time to figure out what to do with what he’s been told today.
“Great, I can’t wait.”
“Me neither.”
They both silence again and Simon stops by one of the benches by the shore and sits down. His pants are already wet, so the extra water drops on the wood don’t matter. The waves make dull noises as they sweep onto land, two sea ducks, a male and a female, are foraging just a few meters away from him.
Everything that David has told him goes through his head on repeat and his mind can’t seem to figure out where to begin to sort it out. When he briefly closes his eyes, he sees Wilhelm’s bruised body in front of him.
“Are you going to watch the press conference?” Simon hears himself ask.
Wilhelm, whose mind apparently was somewhere else, sounds surprised.
“Huh? There is a press conference?”
“Yeah, you didn’t know? The police are going to have a press conference at two. They… Uhm, I heard they have caught three people they think have done it… Haven’t you heard?”
Wilhelm doesn’t answer him immediately, and when he does, he sounds uncertain.
“No… I haven’t heard anything… I haven’t talked to the police since they asked me questions about what happened and if they told mum or dad anything they haven’t told me about it…”
Simon isn’t sure what to think about that, but he doesn’t think Wilhelm sounds very sad at what he’s just said, so maybe he doesn’t want to know about his attackers, at least not yet.
“...Besides, the therapist is coming here around two…”
“You're seeing a therapist?”
“Yeah, I met her yesterday at the hospital and she’s coming here every day for at least a week…”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”
“I guess,,,” he whispers.
Another wave of just tell him washes over Simon when he hears how absolutely crushed Wilhelm sounds. And Simon knows how much Wilhelm blames himself for what has happened.
But he just can’t. He just can’t get his mouth to form the correct words. It’s such a strange experience, wanting to tell Wilhelm so badly, but his brain is screaming at him to not do it in a rush. He’s still in shock, he thinks and he knows, knows , that the right thing to do would be to tell Wilhelm as soon as possible, to let him know what really happened, what has been done to him, but just the thought of being the one to tell him… He just can’t, not right now, when he himself feels so shaken to the core.
Two more days won’t hurt, he tells himself. It will be better to tell him face to face, when Simon can be right there with him.
But that doesn’t mean the guilt won’t consume him until then.
“Wille, I’m…”
Whatever he’s about to say doesn’t get out because there’s a sound of a door knock on Wilhelm’s end of the phone.
“Sorry Simon, that is the nurse, can I call you back later?”
Simon can’t help but feel a little relieved.
“Of course, you can call me anytime.”
Some muffled voice on the other side of the line tells Simon that the nurse has entered Wilhelm’s bedroom.
“Bye Simon, Love you.”
“Love you.”
The other end goes quiet and Simon’s inside feels more chaotic than ever before. He takes a deep breath and notices how shaky it is. He puts his elbows on his knees and puts his face into his hands. He feels like crying. With his eyes closed he once again is faced with how Wilhelm had looked like when Simon had seen him in the hospital bed. Everything is so fucked up, and unfair and he has no idea what to do.
He knows he has to tell Wilhelm, tell him that nothing that has happened is his fault, that he didn’t take the pills himself. But then what? Everything in Simon tells him that he should go to the police as well, because he shouldn’t let them get away with this even if what David said about not being able to prove anything is true. But the right thing to do would definitely be to at least make a report against him.
But at the same time, Simon can’t just do that without telling Wilhelm. And then possibly the royal court. And the last time a video of Wilhelm was recorded without his knowledge and was reported to the police, it had turned out so well. Not. Since the fact that Wilhelm had been high is not something that is commonly known, and that they have absolutely zero evidence against David and Adrian, except Simon’s words, Simon is sure that the court, and thereby also Wilhelm’s mother, will do anything to sweep this under the rug as well. And that just makes him angry again, because Wilhelm deserves being listened to, he deserves justice, just as anybody else would. But it doesn’t work like that, not with the royal family.
He sighs and looks down on the phone to see what time it is. He has missed most of the ongoing class, and thereby the test that they had today, the one he was so anxious about failing. Well, he doesn’t care about that anymore.
For a second he considers going back to school and being in class in the afternoon, but he immediately knows that there’s no chance he will be able to face anyone or get anything done either way.
He shivers slightly from the cold and the wind, pulling his raincoat closer to his body, but it doesn’t make anything better. He checks the time again. A bus is leaving in 20 minutes. He could take it and just go home and hide in his room until Saturday, and try to sort out his mind until then.
He gets up from the bench, the fabric of his jeans sticking to the back of his thighs. He goes to the bus stop.
To his relief there are no reporters waiting for him, not at Hillerska and not anywhere on his way home. He seriously thinks he might have a breakdown if he would get invaded by any of them or if he would get any stupid questions aimed at him right now. The house is empty and silent when he gets inside and he quickly strips down all of his wet clothes and doesn’t even bother to put on new ones before he gets into his room, onto the bed and under the duvet in just his boxers. He’s still shaking, he notices when he looks at his phone.
Wilhelm hasn’t called him back and he probably won’t before his appointment with the therapist. But Sara has sent him a message, asking why he isn’t in class, and he sends her a quick reply just saying that he’s not feeling too well and is at home. He doesn’t want her to worry.
As he feels the warmth coming back into his body, he also feels the exhaustion spreading into every limb, every muscle and every bone. His brain is working full force, but he can’t seem to get anything in there under control. Every thought in his head swirls around, they all get mixed up. He almost misses the press conference because he, right there, under the covers of his bed, doesn’t know how much time passes. But he remembers at the last second, and logs onto the link he can access from one of the newspaper's sites.
He’s nervous as he starts to watch, the event being a bit delayed and people are getting ready behind a big table with a microphone on. The camera is centered at the table, but Simon can see there are a lot of people facing the table in the room as well, reporters, eager as always, to be the first ones to know what is happening.
Simon has no idea what the police are going to tell them, and it actually makes him kind of scared. The fact that Wilhelm, who is the actual victim in all of this, doesn’t know either doesn’t make him calmer. What if they say something bad? What if they reveal something that Wilhelm doesn’t want to? What if they mention Simon?
A more logical voice inside of him tells him that the court must have pre-approved what they will say, and that nothing that will make Wilhelm look bad will come out. But still…
When an older, properly dressed man gets behind the podium, rearranges his glasses and looks down on the papers he brought, Simon turns up the volume on his phone, not to miss anything. The man introduces himself with his name and Simon is sure he has never seen him before, and the man goes on and says that he is in charge of the preliminary investigation for the case and that he will update them on what is going on.
He starts by telling them that the crime that has been committed is horrible and that their thoughts are with the Crown prince and the rest of the royal family and that the police are working day and night with securing evidence and interrogating suspects. He also ensures everybody that they have a close contact with the court and royal family and everything sounds just as good as it always does to Simon even if he knows it always sounds better than it really is. The man (whose name Simon has already forgotten), goes on and tells them that he won’t take up much of their time, but that he came here today to inform them that they have caught three people that at the moment are detained for probable cause and will be prosecuted. The evidence against them is overwhelming (The film, he doesn’t say, but everybody knows.)
He then continues to tell them that the trial will be held behind closed doors, and no reporters will be welcomed (not really a surprise, but a huge relief to Simon). Before he tells them the next part, the man looks up from his papers and directly into the camera. There’s something in his eyes, an intimidating fire.
“I want to seize the opportunity to remind everybody that the leaked video clip of the committed crime is spread and distributed without the victim’s knowledge or approval. It shows the sequence of events of a very traumatic experience for the plaintiff, and everybody spreading it further or even watching it are all responsible for making the investigation harder for us, and of course, showing a huge disrespect for the victim, no matter how much of a public person he is. We in the police force, together with the royal family, beg of you all to please stop this, and let us do our job.”
The gratitude Simon feels towards the man is a bit surprising. He obviously shouldn’t have to tell the Swedish people this, and he also knows that it won’t make a difference, but still.
The man has nothing left to say and even if Simon is grateful for what he just said he also feels a bit disappointed. He already knew they had caught the guys, and there was really no more information than that. Maybe he should be happy about him not telling anything more, but he can’t help but feel that he at least wants to know how they are taking it all. Do they deny it's them on the video? Are they proud of what they have done?
Simon hasn’t seen the video, and hasn’t seen a clear picture of what any of them look like, but that doesn’t stop his mind from making up their own images. In his mind they are all big, muscular, grim and evil looking.
The reporters ask some questions that the man mostly answers vaguely about not wanting to go into details this early in the investigation, and not wanting to answer with respect for the crime victim. One reporter asks about the fourth person, the one behind the camera, and he once again says that he doesn’t want to go into detail about it, but that they have a pretty clear picture of what has happened and who has done it. But Simon understands that it will of course be more difficult to prosecute a person that you can’t actually see committing a crime.
When the press conference is over Simon’s not sure if he knows anything more than he did before he watched it. They have arrested and are about to prosecute three people. It should be them considering they are all on film. The chances are big they are getting their punishment. So why doesn’t Simon feel pleased?
He closes his eyes and knows exactly why when Wilhelm’s bruised body in the hospital bed appears in front of him. No matter what punishment they will get, it will never be enough, not when Wilhelm will have to live with this for the rest of his life.
He sighs and wonders how Wilhelm is doing in his therapy session. He hopes so much that it is helping, that he at least is starting to heal, even if Simon has no idea how that would be possible.
He spends the rest of the day in bed, and the next two days go by kind of in a haze and he barely gets out of his room at all. Simon doesn’t go to school, and when he thinks his mum is going to make a big deal about it, she just doesn't. If anything, he sees sympathy in her eyes when he tells her he’s not feeling great and would like to stay home, which isn’t untrue in any way and to his surprise, she lets him.
During these days, Simon is more confused than ever and he still has no idea what to do. His brain works harder than ever, trying to get to a conclusion, trying to decide what the best thing to do would be, how to tell Wilhelm, if he should try to get him to go to the police, just trying to take it all in. A part of him feels that the conversation with David actually never happened, that it’s just something that he made up, because it’s just so unreal that it actually has. That everything David told him is true, that so many at Hillerska have tried to break them up ever since they got together. For a fucking bet.
Or, in David’s case, to what? Get Wilhelm to break up with Simon, so that he can come in like a fucking knight in shining armor, to comfort Simon and get him to get together with him instead? Simon almost throws up just at the thought.
He also knows that the bet is not just a bet, that there is something bigger and more sinister behind it. He knows that if he were someone else, from a different background, one of them , this would never have happened. He is a joke to them and if Wilhelm had been together with any of the other boys at Hillerska, the bet would probably never exist in the first place, and fuck, that makes it all hurt even more.
He can picture Wilhelm together with David and Adrian that night at Palatset. How Wilhelm, just because he had promised to meet up with them before he left, would be there with no idea about their intentions. Slightly drunk, but happy to begin with, would get increasingly upset with every attempt from them to get him to dump Simon. Maybe they even told him what everybody at Hillerksa thought, that none of them took their relationship seriously. And when they noticed that that didn't work, they changed tactics, going in for Wilhelm’s soft spot. Reminding him of how difficult this public life would be for Simon, all the sacrifices he would have to make to be with Wilhelm, just to get him to doubt if he did the right thing.
Together with the pills, smashed and mixed in his drink, he must have been so upset, with them, with the whole school, with himself. Of course his mind had turned the way it had, of course he had started questioning their relationship again. The walk from Hillerska to Bjärstad must really have given him the time to reconsider everything again. If they are worth it.
Of course they are, and Simon knows that Wilhelm thinks so too. But Simon also understands why he would doubt, with everyone and everything always working against them. Simon doubts too sometimes and there are times when he isn't sure he can do this. And this week he has had more reasons than ever to doubt, but also more reasons than ever to be sure. Because it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks, as long as they want to be together, they will.
But it sure would feel good not to have to be scared for their lives to do it.
The tiredness reminds itself when he lies there in his bed and he can’t help falling into light slumbers, but every time he does, he wakes up after just a few minutes again. And every time he dreams about Wilhelm, being all bruised and beaten up, telling Simon that he doesn’t want to be with him anymore, that he wants Simon to be with David now, and Simon watches himself walk away hand in hand with David.
When Wilhelm calls him that night Simon keeps it short. He asks about Wilhelm’s session with the therapist, but Wilhelm doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. With the excuse that he is tired, Simon says goodnight, and that he can’t wait to come to him on Saturday. It’s the truth, he can’t wait. He’s also terrified.
When he stands in the hallway, Saturday morning, looking out for the black car, it feels like no time at all has passed. His head feels thick, like he’s about to get sick, and for a brief second he thinks that maybe he’ll tell Wilhelm that he really is sick, and that he can’t come after all. He still doesn’t know how to tell Wilhelm about what David told him, but he has at least come to the conclusion that he has to. And depending on how Wilhelm reacts… Well, he’ll just have to take it from there.
Linda kisses him goodbye when the car arrives and waits for him outside.
“Please take care, and give Wilhelm my love.”
“Yes, I will. Bye.”
He takes a look out the window before he opens the door and can’t see any reporters, or anyone else, waiting for him. He gets to the car as quickly as he can and greets the driver as the older man takes his luggage to put it in the trunk. He turns around and gives Linda a wave where she stands and looks at him through the window, before he gets into the car.
She hadn’t been thrilled when he told her that he would go back to Stockholm, but not surprised either. Simon can’t say he understands what’s going through her head these days, it can’t possibly be easy for her either with everything that has happened, and maybe Simon should be more considerate towards her, but right now he has other things to worry about. Right now, he’s just grateful she lets him do what he wants, and he assumes she understands how much he wants to be with Wilhelm now that he is… hurt. But she must be so worried for him, considering, well everything. He wishes he could do something to make her feel better, but right now he doesn’t know how to do that.
He sends Wilhelm a message that he’s on his way and gets a purple heart in return. Simon holds his phone to his chest for a few seconds and tries to ignore the nerves in his stomach. He misses Wilhelm so much he can barely breath, and at the same time he’s so nervous about how Wilhelm will react to what Simon has to say. He’s tried to picture it so many times during these two days, but he just doesn’t know, and it’s so scary. What if it’s the last strike of breaking Wilhelm completely? What if he wants to report Adrian and David to the police? What if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t believe Simon? Of course he will, but Simon can’t get the stupid thoughts out of his head. He’s spent two days questioning everything, of course he’ll worry about stupid things.
But this is Wilhelm. His Wilhelm.
He takes a deep breath and tries to let go of all the nervousness. He watches the world outside as the car goes through a part of Sweden. The day is as gray as the previous ones, and it’s still early, the sun isn’t even up yet when they leave Bjärstad.
Maybe he should feel more used to going to Stockholm in big, fancy cars, but he doubts he’ll ever be. That strange feeling he had the first time he did, has never really left him. But this is a part of his life now.
When they go into Stockholm, the sun is finally up, but only shines with its obscure autumn shimmer, barely making itself known from behind the dark clouds. He sends Wilhelm a text telling him that he’s getting close, but he doesn’t receive any reply. They go for another 20 minutes and Simon’s mind still feels like a mess when the car comes to a halt in front of the big iron gates in front of the palace. A security guard quickly checks the car, and then lets them in and they go into the, now for Simon, familiar courtyard of the royal family’s home. The car stops just a few meters from the main entrance and Simon doesn't even get the chance of putting his thoughts together before the car door is opened for him and without thinking, he steps out.
The air is chilly compared to the warmth in the car and he’s glad that he doesn’t have to stay outside for long. A tall man hands him his backpack, and with a deep voice tells him to follow him. Simon does as he’s told. He quickly looks around. Wilhelm is usually here to greet him when he arrives, but apparently not today. He tries to push away the disappointment, he knows how much in pain Wilhelm was just a couple of days ago just getting into a car, of course he’s not going to come down all those stairs just to greet him.
The thought of running into the queen on his way hits him as well, they haven’t spoken since Simon was at the hospital and he’s not sure he would like to do it again, not without Wilhelm by his side at least.
The man takes him inside through the gigantic double doors and Simon takes off his jacket and shoes in the foyer, but before the man can instruct him any further Simon says:
“I can find my way from here, thank you.” Being followed around, or rather being made to follow someone he doesn’t know, always triggers the anxiety in him. And he knows the way to Wilhelm’s bedroom very well.
“Are you sure?”
He confirms that he is sure, and without really waiting for a response, he heads towards the staircase leading to the floor where Wilhelm’s room is located. He doesn’t run into anyone, and it’s a relief when he sees the door to Wilhelm’s bedroom. It’s slightly ajar, which maybe is a bit weird. He knocks lightly on it, but when he doesn’t get any response, he opens it up.
The room is dark, the curtains drawn and no lamp being lit. The bed is empty, the bedsheets a mess, someone clearly having been sleeping there recently. A single blue coffee mug stands on the bedside table.
Simon hesitantly walks up to the bed and slides down on top of the duvet. He pulls his backpack off his shoulder, and it lands on the floor with a dull thump. He looks around. Where is Wilhelm? Doesn’t he know that Simon is coming today? They spoke about it as late as yesterday so he shouldn’t have forgotten about it and he did reply to the text Simin sent him from the car.
He looks around. There are some used clothes on the floor and different bed sheets on the bed, but except for that the room looks pretty much the same as when he slept here earlier this week.
What should he do? Try to find Wilhelm or just wait for him here? Maybe try to call him? (and isn’t that strange? Living in a place so big you might actually have to call someone to locate them?)
Before he decides, there is some sound coming from somewhere. It’s very dull, but when he makes an effort, he hears it clearer. It sounds like it might be a television. Simon gets up and walks out of the room again. He knows there is a room between Wilhelm’s and Erik’s room, where they used to play games and watch television. The closer he gets, the louder the noise gets too.
When he pushes the door open, an episode of Antikrundan is being played on the ridiculously big tv-screen. The couch is placed with the back against him, so he can’t immediately see if anyone is on it. And wouldn't it be extremely awkward if he walked in on the queen watching television? But he pushes the worries aside as he knows this room is Wilhelm’s, and walks in.
His heart swells with love when the image of Wilhelm, asleep on the couch, crouched together, mouth slightly open hits him, a blanket covering the lower part of his body. He’s so so beautiful, even if his face is still shifting in different colors and his hair is a complete mess. Simon knew he had missed him, but he never realized just how much until he now stands in front of him.
He gets down on his knees, next to the couch, next to Wilhelm’s face, and just looks at him for a moment. It hurts so much what he has had to endure in the past week, it’s so insanely unfair. It hurts even more to think about that Simon will have to tell him even more things that are going to bring pain to him. If he just sits here, he can just drag it out a little bit more.
He just watches Wilhelm for a few seconds, how his eyelashes fall against the upper part of his cheeks when he’s got his eyes closed. How the fabric of the shirt stretches when his chest goes up and down with every breath he takes. How the bruises once again have changed color, and shape, and luckily are on their way of disappearing. Simon loves him so much.
He can’t help himself when he strokes away some hair that has fallen to his forehead. A very gentle move, but apparently enough to make Wilhelm slightly flinch and open up his eyes.
“Oh my god, Simon…” Wilhelm’s body jerks and he seems to tense up for a second before relaxing against the couch again.
“Oh sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Simon leans back a bit to give Wilhelm space.
Wilhelm blinks at him a few times. Simon thinks it looks adorable.
“What time is it? When did you get here? I was going to come meet you at the door…” He rubs his face in his hands.
“It’s fine, I just got here.”
Wilhelm puts his hands away from his face and just looks at Simon again, but this time he looks more there, more conscious.
“Hi,” he smiles and reaches out his left arm in a clear invite, Simon immediately leans in to meet him in the hug.
“Hi, you.” He whispers back and holds on to him as hard as he dares. Which isn’t especially hard at all.
“How… how are you?” Simon asks as they lean out of the hug again, him still seated on the floor.
Wilhelm doesn’t answer immediately, seems to think about it for a moment.
“I’m better…? I guess… My head feels better, and well, my body too.”
“That’s great.”
“Yeah…” for some reason Wilhelm doesn't seem so happy about the fact that he’s doing better.
Simon wants to ask him why, so desperately wants to understand what is going on in that beautiful head. But he doesn’t, at least not right now. He’s going to take it slow, going to let Wilhelm open up to him at his own pace.
“I’ve missed you.” He says instead and puts his hand next to Wilhelm’s where it’s resting on the side of the couch, but without taking it into his own. He sees how Wilhelm looks down on them.
“I’ve missed you too.” Wilhelm tells him so earnestly that nothing else really means anything at all, and it matters even less when Wilhelm pulls his hand into Simon’s and then looks up at him again.
“Did you have a good trip? Can I get you anything?”
Simon chuckles a little.
“If you can get me anything? Can I get you anything?”
Wilhelm smiles at him, so much love in his gaze, squeezing Simon’s hand into his own tighter.
“I’m good now.”
For some reason, this moment, this comment from Wilhelm, almost makes it too much for Simon. The love, the care, the worry, the guilt. He feels how the tears threaten to break from behind his eyelids and the fear of letting Wilhelm see them.
“What are you watching? Antikrundan?” He asks as an overdraft probably and a way to get the attention away from him. He makes a gesture towards the television, and with no way of making Wilhelm able to miss the teasing in his voice, taking advantage of the fact that antiques roadshow is not a show you’d think someone in their age would watch voluntarily.
There might be a slight pink blush to Wilhelm’s cheeks when Simon dares a glance at him.
“Yeah, I can’t really watch anything exciting, my head can’t take it at the moment…”
Simon wants to say something teasingly again back at him, wants to make the situation as normal and not grave as possible, as much ordinary as it used to be, but he really can’t think about anything at all to say.
He watches the big screen for a moment, without really looking at it, the voices of the people in the show buzzing somewhere in the background. It takes a few breaths to feel somewhat normal again, to get control of the unwanted tears and emotions. He tries to swallow a big lump in his throat before he turns back to Wilhelm, only to be met by his lovely eyes. Wilhelm is looking at him and as always, there are so many emotions for Simon to read there. The love, which is always present, shines as bright as ever, but there are others there as well, which are harder for Simon to interpret right now.
Without really thinking, he reaches out his hand and lets his thumb brush over one of the bruises in Wilhelm’s face, right next to his left eye. Wilhelm doesn’t draw back, but closes his eyes for a second.
“Have you been sleeping better?” Simon asks just as Wilhelm opens his eyes again. He doesn’t look as tired as he did the last time he saw him, and there have been no more late night panic calls, but Simon doesn’t know if that is because there have been no nightmares or because Wilhelm hasn’t told him about it. He really hopes it's the first.
Wilhelm nods into Simon’s hand. “Yeah… I’ve gotten these…”
He stops himself and looks insecurity at Simon, bits into his lip before finishing the sentence.
“I’ve gotten these sleeping pills, they’ve really helped me, I haven’t had any nightmares since...”
Again, he doesn’t sound happy about the fact, and Simon notices that he rather looks… ashamed maybe? And Simon can’t understand why. Why is he so hesitant and uncertain? Is it something that Simon has said? Or done? And a possible answer presents itself in his brain before he has to think too much about it, but can it really be it?
“You don’t think I’m against, like all pills, right? I do know you need them, it’s just when you don’t need them that I have a problem with it…”
“No, Simon, that’s not…” Simon’s hand falls off Wilhelm's cheek as Wilhelm, with some effort, sits up on the couch. The blanket falls down on the floor next to Simon, who doesn’t understand anything. He looks up at Wilhelm, who now looks back at Simon with pleading eyes.
“Can you come sit here?” Wilhelm makes a gesture to the spot next to him. “Please”.
Simon doesn’t hesitate before getting up. Their thighs connect when he sits down and Wilhelm doesn’t look at him, but quickly takes his hand, with his left one, which is a bit tricky since he’s on the left side of Simon, but it works. The cast on his right arm lies hard against his.
Wilhelm doesn’t look at him, but rather at their intertwined hands when he says:
“There is something I need to tell you.” and Simon’s stomach makes a loop and he feels the now so familiar panic starting to prickle underneath his skin. He can’t take anymore bad news, he just can’t.
“What is it?” He asks, what he hopes to be very calmly, as his inside is the exact opposite, when Wilhelm remains silent. He notices there’s a slight wobble in his voice, he hopes Wilhelm doesn’t.
Simon does what he can to contain his nervousness. Wilhelm is obviously not keen on telling him whatever it is, and Simon really has no idea what it could be about. He tries not to come to any conclusions by himself, but it's hard not to think of the worst possible thing, even if that is exactly what has already happened.
Wilhelm finally looks at him, at his face, his eyes now filled with worry and remorse. Simon’s heart sinks even more.
“I… uhm….” Wilhelm’s voice fades away and he angles himself a bit more towards Simon. He grips his hand harder.
“I… there’s something I need to tell you…”
Simon hums, encouraging him to go on.
“...but you won’t like it… I don’t like it, but I have to tell you…” His eyes leave Simon for a moment and Simon’s heart seems to go a steady 200 kilometers an hour in his chest.
“That night… When it happened…” He looks at Simon again with so much hurt, almost as if he thinks he will lose Simon forever after he says the next words and even if Simon doesn’t know how this will end, he holds on tighter to his hand and leans a little more into his body for support. Does he remember something that will make Simon upset? What could it possibly be? He sits quiet and waits for the rest of the sentence.
“I still don’t remember….” Wilhelm continues, which makes Simon a bit confused “but they told me that I was…” right before the last word he looks away, before he whispers “high” to the carpet and Simon waits for a second, for Wilhelm to continue. When he doesn't, all the nervousness pours out of him and he almost chuckles with relief, almost.
“That's it? That’s what you wanted to tell me?”
When Wilhelm is looking up again Simon is quick to meet his gaze.
“Uhm, yeah… I thought…” Wilhelm looks confused at him, like he can’t believe that Simon is taking it so well. And well…
When Simon thinks about it for a little more than a second he realizes what an idiot he is. Wilhelm doesn’t know that he knows, and additionally, he doesn’t know why he was high. And it dawns on Simon that of course Wilhelm thought this is a big deal for Simon, because it had been, before he knew, before, when he thought that Wilhelm had taken them himself. And oh my god, is that why Wilhelm has been so distant towards him? Has he been feeling guilty about the drug thing? Being scared of telling Simon? Thinking that Simon might leave him on the spot when he tells him? And all this while Simon has known for a couple of days why it had happened in the first place and not said anything…
“Did you know?” Wilhelm asks him in a low voice, still so very confused to Simon’s lack of reaction.
“Yeah…” and Simon is just about to tell him exactly how much he knows, but he doesn’t get the chance to before Wilhelm throws himself at Simon, putting his functional arm around Simon’s neck. He feels the wetness, from what Simon assumes are tears, on his neck, and the warm air from Wilhelm when he says:
“I’m so sorry Simon, please you have to believe me, I don't know what happened, I don’t remember, but I must have taken them but I promised myself I would never do it again… I’m so sorry.”
For a moment, Simon is frozen where he sits. His arms wrap around his boyfriend by reflex, but before Wilhelm can continue and Simon’s heart breaks completely, Simon comes to his senses and hushes him.
“Hey, shh, hey Wille…” Simon puts his hand in Wilhelm’s hair and strokes down a few times. Wilhelm sobs against his neck, slightly shaking in his arms. “Wille, älskling , please, I’m sorry, I'm so sorry. There’s something I…” He takes a deep breath. “ There is something I have to tell you…”
To his relief, Wilhelm calms down in his arms, and after a few moments, leans back to look at Simon with his confused eyes, tears sticken to the corners.
“Are you not mad?”
“No, no I’m not mad at all. And there’s something you don’t know…”
Wilhelm looks at him, disbelief and worry clearly visible in his face.
Simon takes a few seconds to stroke away some tears from Wilhelm’s cheeks with his thumbs and it also gives him a chance to compose his own thoughts. He can’t believe Wilhelm is suffering like this because of him. Because he has been busy feeling sorry for himself because he hasn’t known how to deal with it himself. Hasn’t known how to tell Wilhelm when that has not been the important part, when the important part has been to just let him know.
So finally, he just does. He tells Wilhelm everything. It’s easier than he thought to just get it out once he’s started, holding tight to Wilhelm’s hand the whole time. He tells him about how Simon had had a suspicion that Wilhelm had been on something when they left the party together and about the policeman confirming that he had been right. He tells Wilhelm that he had been crushed by the fact, not knowing or understanding why. He doesn’t stop long enough to let Wilhelm intervene but he looks between their hands and his face. It’s so hard to read. When he starts telling him about David he expects Wilhelm to get angry, or at least to get something . But he just sits eerily calm beside Simon, his eyes slightly shiny but otherwise unreadable. Simon tells him about the bet and David practically admitting to have put the pills in his drink, but also how he’d denied it immediately afterwards.
Simon has played this conversation in his head for two days straight now. Every time Wilhelm has reacted in different ways, but not in one of them, has he been doing what he’s doing now, which is just nothing.
Simon feels how his eyebrows crush slightly together when he looks at his boyfriend. Something slightly sinister rumbles inside of him.
“Please say something.” he begs when Wilhelm has been silent for over a minute and he also squeezes Wilhelm’s hand again.
Wilhelm darts his eyes away.
“I just don’t know what to say…”
Simon scoots closer to him on the couch, holds closer to the hand he’s got in his own, and puts the other one on Wilhelm’s face, tracing his jawline with his thumb, urging him to look at Simon again.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, i just-”
“It’s fine.” Wilhelm looks up at him again. “I’m not mad at you, I just…”
Wilhelm sighs in a way that makes all of Simon’s inside tremble. But he doesn’t say anything more after that.
“What do you want to do?” Simon whispers instead, because he can’t let this be what he feared the most, can’t let this be the thing that breaks Wilhelm. They have to keep putting their noses over the waterline, have to keep swimming.
“I don’t know.” Wilhelm answers and once again looks down on their hands between them. “I guess there is nothing to do? You said it yourself, he will deny ever talking to you, and maybe even say that I took the pills myself. I think…”
He looks up at Simon again before completing the sentence. “I think there’s nothing we can do?”
Simon wants to tell him that he’s wrong, that they can go to the police, file a report against them. But he also knows that they can’t, he’s been thinking about this for several days after all. But maybe there are other people than can.
“Don’t you want to tell your mum?”
Wilhelm seems to think about it for a second.
“I’m not sure that would make any difference to be honest.”
“Why not? Wouldn’t you at least want her to know that you didn’t take them yourself?”
Once again, WIlhelm thinks about it before answering.
“If I’m being honest, as long as it doesn’t come out, I don’t really think that she cares.”
Simon doesn't know what to say, or barely what to think. It’s an awful feeling of being thrown back to one year ago, when the video of them had been leaked. and maybe, for the royal court, this is practically the same. As long as the royal family doesn’t look bad they don’t really seem to care what has happened or who is responsible for it. And Simon knows it is that way, because he’s in it as well, and has experienced the outcome of it before. But this time it is different. Because even if last time was terrible in every single way, it hadn't ended in one of them almost dying. And he just can’t take in that Wilhelm’s mother, no matter if she’s the queen or not, just wouldn’t care.
“You don’t think she cares?” he asks, just to make sure.
Wilhelm looks at him, something unreadable going through his eyes and face before he hangs his head for a moment, letting out some sort of snort.
“Simon, I don’t know what to say… Of course she cares about the attack. That those who did it will be punished, that I’m going to be fine… But this… I know it made it all lead there in a way, but they weren’t the ones who almost…” Wilhelm clears his throat but Simon understands what it is that he’s not saying, that the sound is a substitute for the words `killed me´, which to be honest, neither of them are ready to either say or hear out loud. Wilhelm goes on. “ But If I’m going to be completely, completely honest with you, I am a bit relieved. I felt so bad when they told me that I had drugs in my blood, I really couldn’t understand why I had taken them…”
He looks up at Simon again, this time with determination in his eyes.
“I promised myself that I would never do it again, for your sake, and my own of course, and when I thought I had done it again. I was so scared of losing you…” he blinks a couple of times, maybe to get rid of some unwanted tears. Simon doesn’t know what to say, or where this is going, so he keeps quiet.
“So knowing that I didn’t do it, I don’t know, it just feels enough for me, at least right now. But maybe I will tell her, when she gets back.”
Simon throws him a confused look.
“What do you mean? Where is she?”
Wilhelm gives him a just as confused look back. "Uhm, Belgium, haven’t I told you that?”
Well, Simon did know they had plans to go there, since Wilhelm was planning to go with them, but considering everything, he didn’t really think they would still go, and he actually feels angry about the fact that they, once again, have abandoned Wilhelm after a traumatic event.
Wilhelm gives out some humorless snort. “Well, at least I didn’t have to go with them.”
Simon refrains from telling him that he would much rather have him in Belgium unharmed, than here, like this.
“But why aren’t you angry?” He asks instead, because he himself is so angry he can barely take it.
“Of course I’m angry.” Wilhelm tells him, not sounding angry at all. “I can’t believe they did that. I can’t believe they did all that, that they have been doing it all this time.” Wilhelm lets go of the death grip Simon’s got off his hand and reciprocates the face stroke instead, putting away a curl that’s been stuck on Simon’s temple. He shivers at the touch and at Wilhelm’s voice when he says. “I can’t believe they did that to you.”
Simon knows that he’s talking about the bet, that he has the same feeling of humiliation that Simon does, even if Simon is sure that Wilhelm will never completely understand it exactly the same, because he isn’t the one who is seen as the joke between them.
“They are assholes.” Simon breathes out because he doesn’t know what else to say.
Wilhelm hums. “Yes, yes they are.”
Simon understands that this can be the end of the discussion, at least for now. But the emotions that bubble inside of him, the desperation that have been brewing for two days, aren’t just going away that quickly.
“So we are just going to do nothing?”
He knows he might be unfair, and the sting in his tone makes him even more so. But they can’t just let it all go, can they?”
Wilhelm lets his hand fall from Simon’s temple where it has been resting, and looks at Simon, really looks at him. The twirl of wanting, of wanting to protect, of loving, makes itself known in Simon’s chest,
“What can we do?” Wilhelm asks genuinely and so vulnerable Simon immediately regrets asking. And he doesn't answer, because he doesn’t have any answers to his question.
“I’m so tired, Simon.” Wilhelm says after a while when Simon doesn’t answer, and he also sounds and looks so completely exhausted when he does. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Simon wants to kick himself for being so stupid and a new tsunami of guilt threatens to wash him away. For telling Wilhelm about his conversation with David, for not telling him fast enough. For leaving him alone that night…
“I know…” he whispers back with a slight tremble in his voice, the feeling of everything around them being too big for them to handle suddenly washing over him, actively trying to hold the tears that are threatening to come out again, back. “I know, come here.”
He does what he can and gestures at his lap, and Wilhelm scoots a bit closer before laying down, his head on Simon’s lap. Simon’s fingers immediately find their way onto his scalp, carding through the brown hair. He sweeps away a single tear that is lingering at the corner of Wilhelm’s eye, and quickly sweeps a hand over his own face as well.
“I’m just so afraid all of the time,” Wilhelm suddenly whispers with his eyes closed.
“What are you afraid of,” Simon asks, both dreading and needing to know the answer.
“Everything.” Wilhelm whispers, so quietly that maybe he thinks that if he says it louder, that everything will come and swallow them both and that word makes the aftershock from the tsunami rumble inside of Simon.
“You’re safe now.” He tells him, and probably himself as well, while he keeps carding through the tassels of hair. “No one is going to hurt you again.”
He knows he can’t promise that, that there’s no way for him to guarantee that this won’t happen again. But he will make sure to do anything he can to not let it. Simon’s hand that is not currently occupied with Wilhelm’s hair is slowly making strokes over Wilhelm’s chest. Simon looks down on Wilhelm’s face, watches the eyelashes and the freckles, not as visual as they are in the summer, but still very clearly there. Wilhelm’s body tenses up for a moment, Simon can feel it underneath his palms.
“I’m just so afraid something will happen to you…” but before Simon can answer him he goes on. “and that you won’t love me anymore…”
Simon isn’t sure he’s meant to hear the last bit of the sentence, but he does. He almost answers immediately, on reflex to say that will never happen, but he stops himself. He thinks about it for a second or two.
Simon can’t possibly say what will happen in the future, can’t say that they will be together forever, or even be in each other's life forever. But not loving him? That thought has never even crossed his mind.
“No matter what happens…” Simon says and lowers his hand to Wilhelm’s temple, gently stroking his thumb over it. “I will always love you. I don’t think I know how not to.”
Wilhelm opens his eyes at that, meeting Simon’s and almost knocks out all the air in Simon’s lungs at the intense contact. Simon wants to say something more to really reassure him, but he doesn’t know what, instead, he hopes his actions speak for themselves. He moves his hand back to Wilhelm’s hair.
“I don’t deserve you…” Wilhelm utters, in the same self-destructive way as before and catches Simon a bit unguard and his hand stops its movement over Wilhelms head. He can’t really say that he’s surprised, the words basically a summary of their conversation from one week ago, and he also understands, how every bad thought in Wilhelm’s head, must speak so much louder now when he’s this broken, and when apparently Wilhelm has been peppered all year with reasons he shouldn’t be with Simon from the third years at Hillerska. But Simon can’t help to also feel a bit angry, because;
“Don’t you think I have a say in that?.”
Wilhelm doesn’t answer him, but doesn’t look away either. His honey eyes study Simon’s face, it’s possible the earth stops for a while.
“I love you, Simon”.
“I know,” Simon assures him as sincerely as he can, letting his fingertips wander over the slightly visible bruises in Wilhelm’s face. “I know.” He lets out a small sigh.
“I know it must be so tough for you right now, with everything.” He looks down on Wilhelm, to see his reactions to his words, to make him understand that Simon is serious. “and I know that with what you have been through… I can’t even imagine… I don’t want to…” he stumbles a bit at the words, feeling the familiar lump in his throat. “But I want you to know that you are not alone.”
Wilhelm has gotten a bit tearful underneath him, but Simon goes on.
“And I’m not just talking about me, even if you have me, always. But I’m also talking about all the love and support that you have gotten throughout these days. There are so many people that love you, you know that right?”
From the look on Wilhelms face, he doesn't know that.
“It’s just so hard to take in sometimes…”
“I know, I know.” Simon assures him once again. He frees one of his hands, and quickly grabs his phone from his pocket. He opens it up and goes to the pictures.
“Have you seen this?”
He angles the screen slightly toward Wilhelm, whose eyes immediately lock on the phone.
“What’s that?”
Simon smiles a bit as he too looks down on the photo on the screen. The picture he took outside the hospital before he went home.
“That’s how much you mean to people.”
Wilhelm’s eyes momentarily tilt up to meet Simon’s. He doesn’t say anything, but Simon thinks he can hint the ghost of a smile on his lips. They stay quiet as Simon puts his phone away again, Wilhelm closing his eyes again and Simon going back to running his fingers through his hair, humming lightly, waiting for Wilhelm to start to relax under him. For several minutes, the only sound in the room is the distant voices from the tv, and Simon’s dull humming.
“Do you think you’ll come back to Hillerska?”
Simon’s been thinking about the question for some time now, but hasn't dared to ask before. No matter how much he wants Wilhelm to return as soon as possible, he fully understands if, after everything that has happened, Wilhelm doesn’t want to come back for some time, or even at all. He doesn’t want to think about whether Wilhelm will ever come back to visit him at his house, considering how close it was to where the assault happened.
“I want to be where you are,” Wilhelm says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, before he continues. “But I’m not sure my parents will let me go back, at least not for the rest of the semester.” He sighs, “And even if they let me, I don’t know how I would even…” He tries to lift his right arm that’s resting in the cast. “I can’t do anything by myself…” There might be a wobble in his voice at that, at how independent he’s suddenly become when his dominant arm won’t work for some time.
Simon thinks about it.
“Would it make any difference if I helped you?” Simon isn’t sure where the questions comes from, he just knows that he doesn’t want to be away from Wilhelm for longer than he has to, that he can’t picture going to Hillerska without him. If he can help, he gladly would.
“What do you mean?” Wilhelm asks and looks at him, he sounds interested, maybe even a bit hopeful as well.
“I mean…” Simon thinks about it for a moment. “Do you think they would let you go back if I moved into your room with you? To help you I mean, do you think they would allow that? Until you feel better?”
Wilhelm’s hold on him tightens a bit. “I would like that… But Simon, I don’t want you to have to take care of me, for you to be my nurse…”
“I wouldn’t,” Simon is quick to assure him. “I just mean that I could be there to make things easier for you… If that is what you want, if you want to go back. I wouldn’t see it as I was being your nurse…”
Wilhelm thinks about it.
“I guess it would make things easier…”
Simon gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile. Wilhelm smiles back at him and it might be the most beautiful thing Simon has ever seen.
“Maybe you could at least ask?”
“I will,” Wilhelm promises, and that is that for now.
Simon hesitates for a moment, thinking about if he should ask the next thing he’s thinking about or not. Maybe it’ll be too much for Wilhelm, but he decides to do it anyway, knowing that Wilhelm will tell him if he doesn’t have the energy to talk any more.
“Have you heard anything about the attackers?”
Simon feels how Wilhelm tenses underneath him again and regrets asking. He quickly apologizes.
“”I’m sorry, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it.”
Wilhelm takes a deep breath in his lap.
“I just don’t know what to say, I still don’t remember anything, but I’m going to have to see them, at least at the trial.”
Simon can hear that Wilhelm is getting worked up.
“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it right now. It’ll be okay. I’ll be by your side the whole time, if you want me to.”
Wilhelm looks up at him, silent for a moment before he, with some effort again, and with the help from Simon, sits up beside him.
“You promise?” Wilhelm asks, more serious than Simon might ever have seen him before. Simon lifts his hand up and puts it on Wilhelm’s cheek.
“Of course, whatever you need. Those bastards are not getting away with this.”
A flash of hurt passes though Wilhelm’s eyes and Simon thinks for a moment that he’s said something wrong. But it’s gone as soon as it got there, and Wilhelm whispers a weak “Thank you.”
Simon notices that Wilhelm is about to lean in for a hug, but before he has a chance to, Simon takes the opportunity to let out something that has been brewing inside of him for almost a week now.
“But you’re never leaving your bodyguards behind again, do you hear me?” He hears that he sounds angry, and he is, and guilty, because he was there too, but mostly he’s scared and needs Wilhelm to know that he’s serious and that he can’t do this ever again.
Wilhelm looks a bit surprised when he stops in his motion.
“I promise,”
Wilhelm sounds so small, Simon immediately leans in to consummate what Wilhelm has started, taking him into his arms, pressing him into his chest. He wants to tell Wilhelm that he has never been this scared in his life before, that this week has been absolute hell for him. But he refrains, because he knows that the same goes for Wilhelm, and Simon pointing it out won’t make it better.
“Are you hungry?” He asks instead, leaning out of the embrace to look at Wilhelm.
“A little.”
“I can get you some lunch.” Simon makes a move to stand up but Wilhelm holds him back.
“Can I come with you? I think I’ll go crazy just sitting here…”
Simon hesitates.
“You think you can walk down the stairs?”
Wilhelm smiles a little.
“Well, maybe if you let me hold onto you.”
Simon smiles back.
“I’ll always let you hold onto me.”
“Good.”