Chapter Text
As the year came to a close, Harry could feel everyone slowly relaxing at the lack of exams and work, and more importantly, a growing absence of Harry being an absolute menace. In fact, Harry’s pretty sure he almost saw Snape smile when staring at his calendar one day, which had displayed three days left of term, during a potions class.
Naturally…he’s not going to stand for this. Seriously, has everyone forgotten who he is? Dumbledore certainly hasn’t, since Harry made sure to return the Goblet of Fire that’s been in his possession for the whole year by charming it to have wings and flap around Dumbledore’s office for hours.
Harry whistled a jaunty tune as he dropped several Cornish pixies behind Snape’s desk five minutes before lunch ended, all of which were immobilized with a timed freezing spell -- set to let loose in exactly 15 minutes. It gave him plenty of time to rile up Snape before the final reckoning.
Harry discreetly left the classroom under his invisibility cloak. There were only a few minutes before the start of potions, so he quickly ran to a different corridor to store his invisibility cloak in his bag. He then joined Ron and Hermione outside the classroom, as if absolutely nothing had happened.
Which nothing had, of course. There totally weren't several hordes of Cornish pixies in Snape’s classroom waiting to be set loose.
As Harry stood outside the potions classroom, waiting for the last few moments of lunch to tick away, he was already mentally planning a few quips to make to rile Snape and the Slytherins up.
Hmm, gotta say something about Moody, of course, Harry thought with a nod, ignoring Ron’s vaguely concerned look at the fact that Harry was nodding at nothing. Oh, and maybe a couple of comments about his hair.
“Lunch is over! Get in!” Harry heard a familiar voice bark out. Snape stood at the door of the classroom, scowling at the gaggle of students that were now slowly filling into the classroom. As soon as everyone was seated, Snape wasted no time jumping into a mini-lecture.
“Now, this is the last potions class of term,” Snape started, glaring down at the students. “So today you all must brew a simple swelling solution by memory to Ministry standards ,” Snape continued in a snarl. Harry swore he could see Snape’s eyes brighten at the pure dismay the students were expressing from the words “Ministry standards.”
Damn. This guy was way more of a loser than Harry thought.
A few minutes later, as students set up their potion stations and started brewing, Snape stopped by Harry’s cauldron with a sneer.
“Potter!” he barked. “What is this? Did you not hear me when I said Ministry standards ?!”
Harry looked up at him with an unamused expression. Did Snape seriously never learn?
Oh well.
“Yeah, I did,” Harry replied nonchalantly. “But it’s also been two minutes since I started brewing and the only thing in my cauldron is hot water. Were you expecting me to brew an entire perfect, as you say, Ministry standard swelling solution…in two fucking minutes?”
Snape’s face went red as a few snickers echoed across the room. “Be that as it may, you still must display haste in your brewing,” Snape sneered. “You cannot simply dilly dally in my class and brew this simple potion at a snail’s pace!”
Harry stared at Snape incredulously. Was he being serious right now?
“Dude, it’s been two minutes,” Harry deadpanned. “I’m waiting for the water to fucking boil.”
Snape scowled at Harry, evidently not giving a fuck about Harry’s very valid points. “20 points from Gryffindor for disrespect,” Snape said with a sneer. “And two minutes or not, I expect you to display appropriate standards for a rising 5th year, Potter. You are the only person here brewing poorly!”
Harry glanced behind Snape, where Crabbe and Goyle were currently eating the sugar cubes provided for neutralizing.
Yeah, Harry was totally the only one who was apparently brewing poorly, and Snape totally wasn’t just targeting him.
“I dunno, this seems pretty unfair,” Harry said with a shrug. “Lemme guess, you’re taking points off because you’re feeling moody because of your Moody? Heh, get it? Or, better yet, crouchy? Get it? Because Crouch and grouchy makes crouchy-”
“SILENCE YOURSELF AT ONCE!” Snape boomed, clearly having no more of the Moody jokes. Harry thought they were pretty good! “Have you not listened to a single word I have said, Potter?! Do you take pride in purposefully being disruptive?”
“Pfft, are you joking?!” Harry exclaimed. “Me? Being disruptive? I’d rather set a timed immobilization on a bunch of Cornish pixies and let them loose in your class the day before term ended.”
There were a few moments of complete silence before Snape’s face twisted. “Potter, what-”
As if on cue, several Cornish pixies emerged from behind Snape’s desk with a loud screech, causing the entire class to cover their ears with a wince. Snape’s face went white.
“Stop! Stop at once!” Snape bellowed after he got out of his shock, waving his wand to immobilize them. It worked for approximately a second before Harry discretely waved his wand and undid Snape’s spell. There were a few tense moments of the Cornish pixies staring at Snape with malicious eyes before they attacked.
It was pure pandemonium. Gilderoy Lockhart could never .
First, several Cornish pixies instantly grabbed Snape’s wand and threw it across the room. The rest of them rushed around the room, grabbing the wands of Slytherins and Gryffindors alike as chaos erupted in the classroom. Harry discreetly ducked behind a cabinet, shooting a particularly panicked-looking Malfoy a sarcastic thumbs up. He went red, opening his mouth to no doubt insult Harry, but was almost instantly toppled over by a horde of Cornish pixies. Ah. It was pure bliss.
Snape, unfortunately, didn’t seem to agree. The man finally got hold of his wand again, immobilizing and dispelling the Cornish pixies in an instant. But as he turned around, beady black eyes scanning the room, he just couldn’t seem to find Harry.
Harry grinned from under his invisibility cloak. Now for phase two of the plan.
Slowly, as Snape started to yell at the Gryffindor side of the room, Harry tiptoed to the Slytherin’s cauldrons. With a quick wave of his wand, an entire row of cauldrons toppled over, spilling the swelling solutions they were making literally everywhere . Harry jumped out of the way just in time, but quite a few unlucky Slytherins were caught in the crossfire.
By now, most people seemed to have realized the swelling solution wasn’t going to stop coating the entire floor anytime soon, and had jumped onto their desks to avoid getting hit. Harry was glad he decided to charm his shoes before class started.
And when Snape finally, finally, managed to get his wand back and charm the floor back to normal, Harry was nowhere in sight.
Well, at least to Snape. In reality, he was a few feet away and under his invisibility cloak.
“Sir?” a particularly nervous-looking Slytherin piped up. “Where’s Potter?”
“How should I know?!” Snape barked. A vein seemed to bulge in his head just from the word “Potter.”
But before Snape could figure him out, Harry quickly dropped a rock of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and exited the room, ignoring the yells of confusion in response. After stuffing his invisibility cloak in his bag, he entered the room as if absolutely nothing had happened.
“Hey guys, what’s up?” he asked nonchalantly. “Uh oh, what happened here? Guess I chose the right time to go to the loo.”
Unfortunately, his words didn’t seem to fool Snape. A vein bulged in his forehead.
“POTTER!” Snape practically screeched, face so red Harry was half convinced he was in the process of becoming a tomato animagus. “YOU- YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILE! HOW DARE YOU! YOU- YOU’RE GOING TO GET-”
Snape couldn’t seem to finish his sentence out of sheer anger, so Harry, being the amazing kind valiant incredible awesome terrific Gryffindor he was, decided to do it for him. “I’ll…get detention? On the last day of term?” he asked cheekily.
And as the words left Harry’s mouth, it finally happened. Snape’s breaking point.
His yell of anger was so loud that Dumbledore heard it from his office, coming to the room and needing to substitute for the rest of the class.
-
“So yeah! That’s basically how I completely ruined Snape’s last potions class.”
Hermione and Ron stared at him with blank expressions. The train compartment was now completely silent save for the rattling of the wheels. Harry was now getting the distinct feeling that they were just ever so slightly confused. He’s not too sure why, though, after all, Ron’s the one who asked the question. Actually, Ron was literally there when everything happened, so unless he wanted a behind-the-scenes explanation on how the pranking went down, there was literally no point in asking.
Ron let out a squeak of horror. “No thanks.”
“I’m pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, Harry,” Hermione said dryly. Harry blinked at the pair. Oops. Had he been saying everything out loud?
“Yes,” Hermione said blankly. Harry shrugged.
“But y’know the funniest part?!” Harry exclaimed. “He couldn’t even give me detention, because there was no more school!”
“Right. Of course,” Hermione said indulgently, looking as if she were talking to a 4-year-old. “Great job, Harry.”
Ron turned to her with a shocked expression. “‘Mione, what-”
“Just entertain him, Ron,” Hermione said with an eye roll. “Unless you want to be on the opposing side of one of his pranks.”
Ron went green. “No thanks. Yeah, uh, you did great, Harry!”
Just as Harry was about to respond in thanks, the compartment door banged open to reveal a very pissed off looking Malfoy. Harry held back a sigh. Seriously, does this kid never learn?
“I don’t care if your father’s gonna hear about this,” Harry deadpanned before Malfoy could get a word out. Malfoy’s face flushed red, and Ron snickered.
“You think you’re so funny, Potter, but you’ll face your demise soon,” Malfoy said, clearly trying to sound intimidating and mysterious but failing because he looked so much like a pillock.
“Gonna be real, I’ve stopped taking you seriously ever since that Rita Skeeter article enlightened the world on how obsessed you are with me,” Harry deadpanned. “Not that I ever took you seriously in the first place.”
Malfoy’s face went red. “I-It’s all lies!” he sneered. “Trust me, Potter, with what happened at the end of the year, Rita Skeeter articles and pranking Snape will be the last on your mind.”
Oh, so Malfoy was trying to intimidate Harry with Voldemort.
“If you’re trying to scare me with Voldemort, he’s also stopped being intimidating ever since I saw how gay he and your father are with each other. Gay rights, y’know!”
Harry couldn’t help grin as Malfoy sputtered, clearly at a loss for words from his anger. Harry took the opportunity and hexed the compartment door shut.
“Thank god he’s gone,” Harry said with an eye roll. Ron and Hermione eyed him for a few long seconds before bursting into laughter.
“Mate, you’ve been well questionable this year, but that has to be one of the funniest things I’ve seen in my life.”
-
Harry had one more order of business he’d decided on doing the second he got his Triwizard Tournament winnings.
Give the twins his winnings.
Not only did the two very much deserve it, but it would greatly help Harry’s newfound mission to cause as much havoc to the asshole teachers and Ministry members as he could. He knew the twins wanted to start a joke shop- just imagine the amount of chaos that would enter the world when their products hit the shelves.
Harry’s excited just thinking about it.
So the moment he spotted the two in a compartment, clearly scheming, he decided to skip the greetings and delve right into the plan.
“Interested in causing more chaos for the upcoming school year?” Harry said the moment he entered the compartment. The twins instantly grinned.
“Harry, do you even have to ask ?”
Harry mirrored their grin. “You know, lads,” Harry started, watching the twins brighten at the familiar glimmer of mischief that was no doubt in his eyes. “I find myself not having much a use for the 1,000-galleon prize from the Triwizard Tournament…but I know you guys could use a startup for your soon-to-be joke shop, am I right?”
It only took a few moments for the twins to understand.
“There’s-”
“No-”
“ Way, ” they both finished, eyes wide and looking at him as if he’d suggested giving up all his assets to the two. “We can’t accept that.”
“Just think about it, though,” Harry said. “If you guys had the funds to make your own joke shop, think about the amount of chaos we could cause. Look at it as an investment.”
The twins seemed to actually ponder what Harry said. Eventually, however, they sighed. “That’s true, but we just can’t accept the money,” Fred said.
George nodded in agreement. “You’ve already done so much for us and our family this year,” he added.
Harry shrugged nonchalantly, but internally, his mind was racing. He had to get the twins to accept this money. The possibilities were endless, and seriously, what was he going to do with a thousand galleons? He’s already got a fortune!
“Whatever floats your boat,” Harry said. “But, if that’s the case, don’t be surprised when one thousand galleons show up at your front door randomly over the summer.”
The twins blinked at him for a few moments before exchanging glances. They then proceeded to have an entire conversation in just facial expressions.
“You know, on second thought, I think we’ll take those galleons,” Fred said eventually, a slow smile crawling onto his face.
Harry grinned sharply. “Good choice, lads. Now, is it just me, or do I have a sudden urge to wreak havoc in the Slytherin section of the train…?”
The twins cackled manically. “No Harrykins, it’s not just you.”
-
“What the fuck !?!”
Harry would say Theodore Nott was being dramatic, but he’d also probably be supremely confused if all of a sudden the entire compartment was covered in Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder.
Oh well. Too bad.
As Harry and the twins snuck around under Harry’s now enlarged invisibility cloak, tossing the darkness powder literally everywhere , Harry couldn’t help but cackle.
“This is utter madness,” Fred said, but was sporting a sharp grin. “You know, Snape is almost certainly going to be notified about what’s going on here, right?”
“And what makes you think that’s not part of the plan?” Harry asked mischievously. Fred chuckled.
“Uh oh. Bat spotted, ten o’clock,” George said. Harry and Fred turned around to see Snape at the door of the corridor, scowling and barking out demands as to why the entire Slytherin compartment was covered in darkness powder.
“It must be Potter again!” Malfoy complained, scowling about the darkness powder that got in his hair. Harry snickered. Now, Malfoy looked like a pillock and even more stupid! He discreetly high-fived Fred.
“George, do you have the headless hats ready?” Harry whispered. The boy in question nodded.
“Alright…three, two, one, go!”
With concerningly precise aim, George tossed the headless hat from under the invisibility cloak. It flew in the air for a few moments before landing directly on top of Snape’s head. The second his head vanished, Millicent Bullstrode, who was whining to Snape about the darkness powder, let out a shriek.
“Professor! Y-Your head is gone!” she cried, looking utterly horrified. Snape let out a noise of confusion, hands reaching up to his non-existent head to presumably tug off the hat with no success.
“What is this nonsense!?” Snape boomed in confusion, tugging on the hat harder. It made him look really stupid, tugging at what looked like nothing on his lack of a head.
“Harrykins, the sticking charm on the bottom of the hat was a great idea,” Fred said, clearly suppressing cackles as Snape got more and more agitated with the hat. Harry grinned.
“That’s just the start. You guys have the rest of the headless hats, dungbombs, and fake mustaches?”
George grinned, lifting up a small bag, holding the shrunk items. “Harrykins, you don’t even need to ask.”
So when the Slytherins emerged from the train onto the platform, smelling like death, half of them headless, and the other half sporting irremovable mustaches, Harry and the twins were the only ones who weren’t surprised.
“Huh,” Ron said with mild amusement, eyeing the very disgruntled and headless Slytherins. “Wonder who did that.”
“Mhm,” Hermione said, eyeing Harry in a way that he just knew she’d realized he was behind it. “I definitely wonder who…”
“Oh, I see Mum!” Ron exclaimed. “I’ll go to her once I finish saying bye to you guys.”
“Me too,” Hermione agreed with a nod. She looked around the platform for a few moments before nudging Harry. “Harry, there’s your uncle,” Hermione said, pointing toward where the Dursleys were.
Harry internally sighed when he caught sight of the Dursleys. He would have much rather lived with Sirius and Remus, but Sirius had only recently been freed and needed to be medically cleared to officially take custody of Harry, even though he was technically Harry’s guardian. He was stuck with the Dursleys for at least this summer. It was disappointing, but Sirius had sent several threats to the Dursleys' house and reminded them multiple times that he was an ex-convicted murderer, so Harry wasn’t too worried.
“There you are, boy,” Uncle Vernon snarled the moment he caught sight of Harry. Oh, right, the Dursleys haven’t heard about Harry’s incredible personality change. Well, time to enlighten them, Harry supposed.
“Do you know how long we’ve been waiting?” Dudley complained loudly from next to his father. “It’s so boring here.”
“Yeah, but did I ask? Like, genuinely, did I ask about your opinion? No, I didn’t, and based on your appearance the only thing you ask for is fifth servings at the dinner table.”
Both Aunt Petunia's and Uncle Vernon’s jaws dropped. Hermione and Ron suppressed twin laughs. Dudley went so red Harry was half convinced he was turning into a pig again.
Ah. It was perfect.
While Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia continued to stare at him in shock like idiots, Harry turned back to his friends. “Great year guys, am I right?” he asked casually. Hermione giggled while Ron blinked dumbly.
“Er, Harry, mate…” Ron started, completely ignoring Harry’s question. ”Are you finally gonna be normal next year?” Ron piped up nervously. Harry arched an eyebrow. What was Ron yapping about now?
Ron flushed. “You know what I mean!”
Oh right. Harry forgot he changed his entire personality this year. He turned to Hermione, who shrugged, but there was a ghost of a smirk on her face. Harry grinned and turned back to Ron.
“Nah. I think I’m good.”
The End