Chapter Text
He had his eyes closed and she found herself staring at him the entire time gently touching her eyes on the lightness of his skin, admiring the way his brown hair gleamed in the light, or how his tender lips remained softly closed. She saw the peace and serenity oozing over his being and a part of her wanted to see those closed sleeping eyes every time she woke up. He was finally freed from his burdens.
Caitlin sat patiently waiting for him to awake. She laced her fingers around her dress as she stood in silence as she saw Barry’s eyes flutter a few times, glittering as it glanced up at her.
‘’You’re still here, Caitlin?’’ he said gently.
‘’I hope you enjoyed your nap’’ Caitlin said teasing.
Barry nodded his head, letting the emotions of the moment drift over him. She could sense the quiet guilt flood over him and it wiped its paint across the canvass of his face. The burden of Iris’s looming fate weighed over him. And she wanted to do anything to let him release some of the pain that weighed on him, that held him down with bricks revealing in his pained gaze.
‘’Summer loving…’’ She sang lovingly and with hopes of healing his pain, she sang gently and out of tune, a soft smile forming on her face.
Barry cracked a laugh. ‘’I met a girl crazy for me…’’
Caitlin felt the energy of the past radiate inside her being yet again as it pounded across her pulses spreading joy across her veins. ‘’Met a boy cute as can be…’’
She let the memories drift over he like the ocean water that washes upon the shore and makes it wet, she twiddled her fingers for a while, gently biting her lip.
‘’What’s up, Caitlin?’’ Barry asked.
Caitlin’s eyes widened and she politely shook her head. ‘’Nothing’’
‘’You’re doing that thing…That thing where you bite your lip when something’s bothering you.’’ Barry said with calmness touching his breath.
‘’Just reminiscing over memories’’ Caitlin said softly.
Barry nodded. ‘’Things have gotten really rough right now…I understand why you’d be thinking of the times before now.’’
Caitlin nodded, a sadness blooming across her eyes. ‘’Barry…I…I was thinking about how you helped me confront Ronnie’s death and were there for me down there.’’
Barry chuckled, smiling, and shrugging his shoulders gently. ‘’I was just being there for you, Cait. I know you’d do the same thing for me.’’
‘’It really helped me with everything.’’ Caitlin replied.
Barry was quiet for a second, letting his eyes pierce its soft energy into hers.
‘’What I mean is…’’ Caitlin said explaining. ‘’Maybe I just was a mess…And you showed me light, Barry.’’
The memory echoed across her mind when she remembered how Barry asked her if it would be easier if we down with her. The moment planted rose colored glasses onto the eyes of her mind and she found herself remembering.
‘’I’m terrified of going in there…’’ Caitlin said softly to him in the memory.
In the memory, Barry’s eyes towards her were full of tender love that awakened across his gaze and penetrated peace and protection onto her. She could get lost into them, because their hues were soft and their gaze so gentle that she found herself wanting to immerse her entire soul into them and let herself drown into his love.
‘’What if I went with you?’’ She remembered his voice giving her the most loving embrace with the melodies that exuded from his tone of voice, so much so that it planted warm seeds into the soil of her soul and cascaded her love into an unstoppable wave of happiness.
‘’In truth, if it weren’t for you, I don’t know who I’d be and I guess that thought scares me.’’ Caitlin said, snapping out of her memory and talking to the Barry that was lying on the hospital bed.
Barry smiled. ‘’If it weren’t for you, I definitely wouldn’t have learned how to be the Flash.’’
Caitlin bit her lip and crossed her arms. A void of silence filled the room as the tension started to mount within and her heart felt like its bursts of words wanted to tug at the cloth that she had sewn all her feelings up in.
‘’No, Barry, you wouldn’t need me. Because you have Iris.’’ she said the words coming out from her lips as a sadness touched over her voice.
‘’And…?’’ Barry asked, his eyes oozing into a confused expression, his head tilted.
‘’Maybe I sometimes wish that…When you said you wanted to find someone new to crazy about that I should’ve asked you on a date.’’ Caitlin said, she got up from her seat and started walking around the room, her eyes gazing at the walls as she found the right words to exude, words buried within her chest. ‘’But in truth I was scared, and I never got around to it…And yet, I miss all the times we had when we were actually close, Barry. Times where I felt like I could tell you anything and you told me everything.’’
Barry stood in silence, an obviously pained expression coming into his gaze as he let the words sink into his chest and softly consume his understanding of the situation. A sense of regret flowed across him as he realize what words she muttered.
‘’I miss everything…I miss feeling like I had a chance with you’’ Caitlin said, letting the honesty grip and rock her being. ‘’But you have given me so much light…So much understanding, so much peace and joy that…It’s enough for me to fight Killer Frost and be able to keep myself stable. Whenever I feel that I’m going down on the edge, it’s your smile that pulls me through.’’
Tension drifted over Barry’s face, as his eyes gazed at the floor with solemness as the words struck and rung at the bells of his mind. Silence drifted over him, words unable to come from his mouth as it remained silent and shut.
‘’I want you to be happy with Iris…I know you love her deeply but…But I can’t hold it in anymore.’’ Caitlin said as she mused over her thoughts.
Just a few hours ago, she had taken off her necklace and placed her hands on Barry’s arms to keep Iris alive. Despite the fear she had of losing control, it was the sight of Barry’s panicked eyes and the sight of his paralyzing fear when he begged with his words for her to save Iris. In that moment there was nothing she could do to stop herself from taking off the necklace and letting the cold wrap itself around Iris’s arm.
She had plenty of negative pushbacks, because Killer Frost pounded in her head to kill Iris and the feeling of envy and jealousy penetrated across her being but she somehow was able to fight it as she stabilized herself. The thought that came across her mind was one of Barry laughing and the sunlight reflecting that laugh into her soul. It was always the thought of him that steered her away from the darkness.
‘’I won’t be a bother, Barry…I respect you and Iris.’’ Caitlin said.
Barry stammered. ‘’Caitlin…I…I don’t know what to say…It’s just…’’
His eyes were tortured for a second as they looked up at her with disappointment as he shrugged his shoulder and moved his head back and forth in contemplation.
‘’I want Iris…’’ he said softly, the last breath oozing with pain as it gently drifted across the wind into her ear and planted needles of prickling stings into her heart.
‘’I know, Barry…’’ Caitlin muttered over her breath, clenching her fists so her fingernails could dig into her palms. ‘’I didn’t mean to make things awkward.’’
‘’I know, Caitlin, and you didn’t. It’s good to let it out but…’’ Barry said, glancing at the walls his eyes fading into pensiveness, whatever he was about too say, he wasn’t going to reveal his words and instead let the silence falter and continue to tumble onto itself.
Caitlin felt the tears threaten to emerge from her eyes as she gently touched the doorknob and began to open it. She looked behind her one more time and saw Barry gazing at her from a distance, a gentle teardrop spreading across his left cheek as he bit his lip watching her leave. His eyes were tortured and pain, but there was a clear distance that enveloped its perception as if not even his eyes could even fully love her. There was a veil of distance between his gaze and Caitlin’s soul and all she wanted was for that distance to disappear.
When she had left the room, she felt the tremors of the energy she had left behind linger and haunt her like shadows of love that were touching and kissing her neck sending shock waves across her body. The pain gushed in, a sense of hopelessness cascading into being, a nervous shock of truth yet almost pained relief drowning her in words and thoughts. A sense of burden lifted yet at the same time a new path of pain, uncertain in its reflection, remained waiting for her soul as it kept trudging along to its next path.
Caitlin took a breath as she walked into her car, and started the engine up. She glanced at the sky, which was bright and sunny and smothering with its light blueness. She tried to smile.
‘’I love you Barry…It’s okay. I’m happy you’re happy.’’