Chapter Text
Loki knelt on the floor while Thor opened up the closet and pulled a bunch of boxes out. There were more of them than Loki had expected, and he found that he really couldn’t fathom what could be inside of them all. Thor had said that Tony Stark had bought it all – for Loki. That didn’t sound right. What could Loki need so much of? He found himself torn between apprehension and excitement as Thor started opening up the boxes.
“I don’t need those,” Loki said when Thor pulled out a package of diapers. He could feel his mouth curling down into a pout as he spoke. The thought of having to wear a diaper was really embarrassing and he didn’t like it all, despite how much Clint had told him that it was normal. Loki didn’t care that it was normal. It wasn’t normal for him.
Or at least, it hadn’t been normal before Thanos came along. That wasn’t really the case now, much as Loki hated to admit it. He curled in on himself as Thor went on unpacking the boxes without saying anything. There was a lot of stuff – much of it that Loki didn’t recognize, but some of it he did. Like the new green blanket for his bed, which was incredibly soft to the touch.
“Oh, look at this,” Thor said suddenly, smiling. “Clint has one of these. He seems to like it a lot.” He pulled an object out of a box and showed it to Loki, who blinked at it in puzzlement.
It was light brown in color, with brown marbles for eyes. It had four paws and darker-colored fur on the paws and belly. A black smile made of threat was stitched beneath a snout and a pink nose. All in all, it bore little resemblance to anything that Loki could think of and he honestly wasn’t sure what it was supposed to be for. He looked up at Thor, letting his confusion show.
Thor’s smile softened. “It’s a teddy bear, Loki. A comfort object for Midgardians.” He walked over to Loki and crouched down so that there were on the same level, holding the teddy bear out.
Loki’s first inclination was to refuse the bear, because he didn’t need that either. But now that Thor had said it, he did remember Clint talking about his ‘teddy’. Clint seemed to almost revere the object, claiming that he couldn’t sleep without it and that his teddy bear worked hard to ‘keep his nightmares away’. Which was impossible because Loki could discern no magic coming from the teddy bear whatsoever.
Nevertheless, there had to be something to it given how attached Clint was to his. So Loki put out a hand and took the bear. It was much softer than he had expected, rivalling the new green blanket. Loki found that he liked the feeling of the texture. There wasn’t much on Asgard that was soft. Everything, and everyone, had to be hard and sharp. Soft things were put away along gœðalauss.
He held the teddy bear to his chest without thinking about it. If this teddy bear were on Asgard, it would be put away just like Loki would be now. He couldn’t help wrapping his arms around it and hugging it tightly. Being put away somewhere like you didn’t matter was one of the worst things that had happened to Loki. Though he knew the bear was an inanimate object, he couldn’t help thinking that he didn’t want anything to know what that was like.
“I think that’s all of it,” Thor said sometime later, and Loki looked up at him in surprise before glancing around them. There seemed to be new things everywhere that Loki looked. He couldn’t imagine where it was all going to go.
“What’s it all for?” he asked, puzzled.
Thor scratched his head. “To be honest, I’m not sure what everything is for. I recognize some of it, but not all of it. I thought I would just set aside what I don’t recognize and ask Tony about it tomorrow.”
That kind of sense was unusual, coming from Thor. Loki gave him a sideways look, a little impressed in spite of himself. Thor had changed a lot since they’d come to Midgard – or maybe Thor had changed before that and Loki just hadn’t noticed. Either way, more and more it didn’t seem like he was dealing with his stupid older brother who thought that muscle could solve any problem.
He sat quietly while Thor tidied up a bit, thinking about that. His mother would have told him that people could always grow and change, even if Loki didn’t think that they could. And he knew, if she were here, that she would have told him to trust in Thor. She would have told him to accept Thor’s affection for what it was and believe Thor when Thor said that he wanted to take care of Loki.
But that was scary…
He was so deep in thought that he didn’t even realize that Thor had finished until Thor came up beside him and cleared his throat. Loki looked up at him in confusion, unconsciously clutching the bear tighter. Another smile crossed Thor’s face, but it was brief and quickly slipped away.
“Loki,” he said, sounding both gentle and awkward, “You’ve, ah, you need to be changed.”
“What?” Loki didn’t understand until he looked down, at which point he realized that he had wet himself again. The pull-up had overflown, causing a big wet spot to form on Loki’s jeans. Mortified, Loki scrambled upwards and cringed when he discovered that he had even left a small puddle on the floor.
“You should go put a diaper on,” Thor said firmly. “The pull-ups you’re wearing aren’t enough.”
“I’ll be more careful next time,” Loki said.
“Loki, you need to put on a diaper. I know this is difficult for you, but this isn’t good for you either. It’s time for you to accept that you can’t control yourself anymore. I’m not trying to say that’s a bad thing, but it does mean that you should be using what’s available to you to make things better… or at least okay.” It was a stern speech that was somehow gentle too.
It sounded like something Frigga would say.
“But I don’t want it to be this way,” Loki whispered, swallowing hard. He could feel a familiar burning behind his eyes that meant tears were nigh, and he hated it. His emotions had always been volatile, but they were much closer to the surface than ever before.
“I know. I’m sorry. We’ll keep searching for some kind of solution,” Thor told him, but they both knew that there wasn’t a solution to be found. Short of taking down Thanos and stealing back the Infinity Stones in Thanos’ possession, there was nothing that could change Loki back to the way he was before.
He supposed that meant Thor was right. Every time he wet himself, he’d tell himself that he would just pay more attention next time. But it just kept happening. His brain no longer registered those signals from his body. His choices were now wearing a diaper or continuing to make a mess every time he had to go to the bathroom, and he knew that only one of those options was really acceptable.
Loki bowed his head. “I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter. Odin would say I got what I deserved,” he said quietly, but not without bitterness.
“He would be wrong.”
The fierceness in Thor’s voice made Loki look up with surprise. Thor’s hands were clenched into fists, and he was staring down at Loki with an angry expression – but for once, Loki was certain that Thor’s anger was not directed at him. At one time it would’ve been hard to believe that it could be directed as Odin, but that was before Thor had gone so far as to break Loki out of Asgard’s cells. That was not something that Odin would ever forgive.
“Father was wrong about you all along. I know that neither of us is perfect; we’ve both made wrong choices in the past and those choices were our own. But I do believe that there are some paths we would not have gone down had it not been for Father and the choices that he made,” Thor said with unusual gravity.
What choices did Thor mean? Several options ran through Loki’s head, but he was afraid to ask which Thor meant. All of them? None of them?
“I’m glad that Father brought you home that day,” Thor went on. “I can’t imagine my life without as a part of it. But I wish there had been better intent before his actions. I wish that he had wanted you the way I want you.” He finally graced Loki with a sad smile. “I wish he hadn’t used your heritage against you, and I wish that he had loved you the way you deserve to be loved. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.”
For the second time in just under a week, Loki found himself staring at his brother. Speechless. This was the sort of grown-up, mature Thor that he had always hoped to see, but which he had never actually thought he would be able to see. Perhaps the events of the past couple of years had affected Thor more than Loki had been around to realize – or had wanted to realize.
“I regret being so competitive when we were growing up. I understand now why Father encouraged it, but I hate it. We’re different, you and me. Our strengths lie in different areas, and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just…” Thor paused before he said carefully, “Your strengths are not what Asgard treasures.”
Loki laughed for what felt like the first time in months. “You can say that again,” he said, noting Thor’s surprise over his reaction. But Loki had come to accept a long time ago that his powers – his magic – would never be of value to Odin, and therefore to Asgard. To his mother yes, and maybe to Thor, but that was about it.
Thor smiled too, albeit weakly. “I do recognize your strengths now, Loki. I value them. I didn’t before, but I do now.”
“I appreciate that,” Loki said honestly. It was nice to hear that from someone other than Frigga.
He looked down at the bear he was clutching to his chest. This was going to be his life now, he realized. This strange, tentative relationship with Thor, here on Earth. Living with the other Avengers, possibly forming some sort of relationship with them too – well, he already had with Clint. Learning how to cope with being a Little, both the good and the bad (there would be more of the latter than the former, he was sure).
“Loki,” Thor said. “Would you like me to help you?”
When Loki looked over at him again, he saw that Thor was holding a diaper. Clint had already explained to him what Thor meant by that; the thought of it was enough to make Loki’s stomach squirm. He was not ready for that yet. He didn’t know if he would ever be ready for that. He shook his head and reluctantly took the diaper, shuffling off to the bathroom.
Cleaning himself up was a pain and putting on the diaper sucked. But Loki had to admit that it felt better than the pull-up did. It was more secure and thicker, giving him a sensation of safety, and he knew that there was no way he would wet himself through the diaper. That was a comfort. He quickly decided he would rather wear the diaper than ever do that again.
When he came back out of the bathroom, wearing a clean pair of jeans over the diaper, he found that the place where he’d made a mess had been cleaned up and Thor was now sitting on the bed. There was a large stack of books beside him, which Loki found surprising. Thor had never been particularly into books. Their tutors practically used to have to bribe him to do any learning.
But Thor looked up with a smile and said, “Loki! Natasha was telling me about the wide array of stories that Midgard produces. They are most fascinating. They’re nothing like the dry, boring things our tutors used to make us read.”
“No?” Loki said, unable to keep his interest to himself even though he tried.
“Not at all! They’re fantasies. Wild stories that exist only in imagination.” Thor’s eyes were bright, which Loki now understood. Thor had always been more interested in oral stories as opposed to the drier, factual reports that tended to be written down on Asgard. Loki couldn’t ever remember seeing something written down that was not pure fact.
“What are they like?” Loki asked, padding closer.
“Come, sit beside me.” Thor patted the bed, shifting the other books out of the way. Loki sat beside him and leaned over to look at the book that Thor held.
In doing so, he leaned against Thor’s arm. It was only a moment before Thor sifted and lifted his arm, wrapping it around Loki’s shoulders. Loki thought about protesting, but actually it was quite nice. Thor was just as warm as before, and his chest was a very nice place for Loki to lay his head. So he did, curling a bit closer, as Thor began to read from the book.
It was weird. It was not at all how Loki had thought things would turn out.
But in spite of everything, it was also nice.
He thought, perhaps, that becoming a Little wasn’t the worst fate after all.