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"What's it like?" Tony asked over breakfast one morning with a thoroughly roguish grin. Steve had blinked at him, a little blankly.
"The eggs?"
"No, Steve," Tony said, with an air of exasperated patience. "The sex." Steve stared at him in silence, and Tony added, sounding almost affronted, "You can't blame a guy for wondering, and it's not like anyone else is going to ask."
“I don’t know why you would ever think I’d answer that question,” Steve said after a moment where he considered denying that there was any sex at all. He decided that the stray hickey Natasha had casually mentioned the other week would probably just make that look like denial. “It’s none of your business.”
“I don’t know,” Tony said dubiously. “Seems to me your – um – activities with a hopefully-ex-supervillain are kind of my business.”
Steve crossed his arms defensively, though he felt a little prickle of guilt. “You’re not asking because you’re concerned about the safety of the team, Tony.”
“I would never ask out of some kind of personal, weird interest in your sex life,” Tony said, sounding almost convincingly appalled. He paused, and then added, “Come on, Steve. I’m dying of curiosity here.” Steve breathed out through his nose and gave Tony a long look.
“No,” he said, finally, and a little crisply. Tony groaned.
“It’s just – it’s weird. I’m the one people expect to make questionable choices and start banging the enemy.” Steve held in the urge to wince. “You’re stealing my thunder here, Steve, least you can do is give me a few details.”
Steve was sorely tempted to tell Tony that if he really wanted to know he could go and ask Loki, but he didn’t really want to find out what Loki would do with that. Or what he might say. Loki might well actually answer. He poked at his eggs, feeling faintly annoyed. “It’s not – leave it, Tony. I’m not going to have this conversation with-”
Tony let out an explosive breath. “All right, all right. I’m worried, okay?” He sounded profoundly annoyed at being made to admit it. “I mean – it’s Loki, Steve, and you’ve gotta admit you’re not exactly…” He made a vague gesture, and for the first time in the conversation looked a little embarrassed. Steve sat up and looked at him directly.
“Not exactly what?”
“I’m just saying,” Tony said, after a pause, “that I always kind of figured Loki to be kind of a kinky bastard and I don’t – oh, fuck it, I don’t want your virgin 40’s mind to explode or something.” Steve blinked, and Tony looked a little uncomfortable. “I mean. Did they even talk about kink when you were growing up in eighteen-hundred-whatever?”
Steve felt his face getting hot again, but he kept his expression neutral. “I’m not a total ingénue, Tony,” he said, a little flatly. “I am an adult.”
“Yeah, okay,” Tony said, fidgeting now. “But you’ve got this whole self-sacrifice schtick, and putting other people first, and Natasha’s got this whole theory about you wanting to fix whatever’s fucked up in crazysauce’s head-”
“Tony,” said Steve, feeling a little prickle of anger again, he’s not crazy, stop throwing that word around.
Tony put his hands flat on the table and leaned forward and finally looked directly at Steve. “Does he – hurt you?”
Steve just stared at Tony for a long moment, not quite making the connection. Finally, he shook his head, slowly. “No? Why would you think…”
“I should’ve let Bruce just throw pamphlets at you,” Tony muttered, and tapped his fingers nervously on the table. Steve frowned.
“Is this some kind of intervention?”
“No! Well, maybe. Sort of.” Tony fidgeted, and then stood up. “Look – I’m just making sure that you’re not letting Loki get you into something you don’t actually want, or letting him talk you into things you don’t really want, or – cause I don’t know that Asgard really has a safe, sane, consensual deal or-”
“Tony,” said Steve, cutting off what was rapidly becoming babble, and he rubbed his forehead. “I told you- does everyone think that I don’t know how to say no if I want to? Because I do, and this is really – really – none of your business.” Tony made a face.
“I know, look, it’s just - oh, fuck it,” Tony said, and pushed back from the table. “I’m done. I’m not trying to babysit you. No one is! We’re just – I’m just – trying to make sure you don’t get sucked into some kind of fucked up BDSM deal with a guy who’s done god knows what in a couple hundred years of sexual history. That’s all.” Tony threw up his hands. Steve took a deep breath and pushed down his automatic reactions of embarrassment and irritation, made himself stay calm. He’s just worried. He’s your friend and he’s worried, you’d be worried too.
“Tony…everything’s fine. I’m not…” He took a deep breath and let it out. “Loki’s always been respectful of my limits. He doesn’t want to hurt me. If anything-”
Steve cut off, suddenly. Tony gave him an odd look.
“If anything?”
“If anything,” Steve said, “I’d say he errs on the side of caution. And I reiterate that I am a responsible adult. And that’s all I’m going to say. Is that good enough for you?” He paused, and then did give in to his earlier urge, and added, “If you really want more than that, try talking to Loki.”
Tony gave him a pained look. “I don’t think I want to do that.”
“Then respect his privacy – and mine – and leave it alone.”
Tony held up his hands. “All right, all right! Point taken. You can take care of yourself, everything’s peachy.” He paused. “…is he freaky in bed? I mean, I kind of assumed that kink wasn’t your thing but I guess you never-”
“Tony.”
“Going!” Tony said, and swanned out of the room with a vague wave over his shoulder. Steve stared after him, and held in a sigh. He supposed he ought to have expected that. He didn’t think he was going to mention it to Loki, though.
Besides, he had something else to worry about.
If anything, he’d almost said, I think Loki wants me to hurt him, and in almost saying it, he’d realized that he’d known it for a while. He just hadn’t wanted to think that the hundred small things he’d noticed might add up to a pattern.
His stomach twisted uneasily. Things came back to him, bits and pieces he’d pushed aside or dismissed, coming together to look like something less casual than he wanted it to be. Something deliberate.
And the way his heart was sinking rapidly in his chest felt anything but good. Felt like he’d made a horrible mistake, and one that he was going to have to face. That he should have already faced. Steve looked down at his plate, no longer hungry. He made himself pick up his fork and clean his plate anyway, though the food was a lead weight in his stomach.
Steve knew, in theory, that it was a thing people did. Liked. That some people liked to be…hurt. It wasn’t something he’d encountered personally, though, and it wasn’t something he’d ever really understood conceptually, not without some part of him thinking that it had to be some kind of wrongness, some kind of trauma, a – self-punishment . And with Loki…
Well, he couldn’t rule it out, could he? Loki had been reckless with his safety before. He tended to understate pain, when he admitted to it at all. He valued himself very little and carried a deep, ingrained self-loathing that Steve could hardly comprehend and of which he couldn’t reach the depths.
He remembered- on an urge half dark and wanting and half out of a kind of desperate - not curiosity, a need to know, Steve slid his hand up, found the nerve cluster at the crown, lined up his thumbnail and pressed it in, just a little harder than he would have done.
Loki’s whole body surged up, his back bending like a bow, and the sound he made was almost indescribable, loud and sharp, both moan and cry. His eyes opened impossibly wide, his pulse almost visible beating wildly in his neck, and it wasn’t exactly bliss, was something else...
Steve had meant to bring it up, or to ask, or something, but he’d never quite managed to find the words, and there was always something in the way, some reason not to say anything. And underneath that the fear, he thought, of what Loki might say.
He glanced down at what he’d been sketching, absently, and recoiled. It was Loki, again, mouth open and Steve could almost hear the sound he would be making. It had always sounded like pleasure, but was it? Was it really or was that just what Steve had told himself so he could go on pretending that everything was all right while Loki let Steve hurt him – no, while Steve hurt Loki. Did Loki know how Steve would feel about this? He had to, or else he would have said…
Maybe he thinks you already know. Maybe he thinks that’s why you go to him, to punish him.
Steve shook his head hard like he could jar the thought loose. That couldn’t be right. Surely Loki knew him better than that. He had to.
But what if he didn’t?
What if he didn’t?
When Steve went up to Loki’s room, it was with a weight in his stomach and an uncomfortable tightness in his chest. He paused a long moment before knocking, almost thinking that maybe he should wait until he’d worked out what he was going to do, but he knew that leaving Loki here in silence while he sorted through his thoughts would just be cruel.
The door swung open, and if Loki’s smile was slight it was still there, unmistakably pleased to see him. “Good afternoon, Captain,” he said, sketching a little bow, and Steve felt himself smile almost in spite of himself.
“Afternoon,” he said. “Sorry I’m a bit late…”
“No matter,” Loki said, with one of those little dismissive waves, and then stepped back. “By all means. You know you hardly need an invitation to come into my quarters at this point.”
Steve knew that, but he still felt like it would be rude. Loki had little enough privacy that Steve wanted to give him what he could. “It’s still the polite thing to do.”
“And that is you,” Loki said, sounding faintly amused. “Unfailingly polite.” He reached out and snagged one of Steve’s hands, drew it up to his lips and kissed his fingers, though his mouth lingered just a little too long, and Steve felt his face warming up. “Ever the gentleman.”
“Stop that,” Steve said, though without much sincerity. Loki’s smile just broadened.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” He breathed lightly on Steve’s knuckles, and pressed another kiss to the back of Steve’s hand, the tip of his tongue just brushing skin, his eyes gleaming as they met Steve’s, intent and faintly wicked, and he leaned a little bit forward, swaying into the tug of that raw sensuality.
And then the words popped into his head, I think Loki wants me to hurt him, and his desire curdled in his stomach, suddenly wondering what Loki might be thinking, if he intended for Steve to hurt him this time, if he thought that was what Steve wanted, if…
He froze, and Loki felt it at once and fell still, the expression in his eyes shifting, flickering with worry and then smoothed into a kind of innocent puzzlement. “Is something wrong?”
“No,” Steve said, almost at once, and then wished he hadn’t. Loki narrowed his eyes, and Steve could see him preparing to dig at whatever it was until he dragged it out, probably in the worst way possible. Steve knew how that went. “Well,” he added, quickly, before Loki could say anything. “I guess it’s…been a long day. I’m not quite in the mood, right now.”
Loki’s expression flickered again, strangely, but too quickly for Steve to track what was going on there, and when it settled it was into an easy smile. Perhaps a little too easy, but Steve didn’t dare to question it. “Of course.” He moved to take a step back. “I didn’t mean…”
“It’s fine,” Steve said quickly, and reached out to catch Loki’s hand as he pulled it away. “I mean – can we just…” He hesitated, and felt himself flush. “…be close?”
Loki’s eyebrows arched. “Cuddle?” he said, and Steve almost wanted to wince at the tone he used. Loki let out a quiet laugh a moment later, though, and gave Steve a smile, this one a little warmer, a little less glib. Perhaps it was a mistake to trust it more, but Steve did anyway. “Mm. I would never deny my Captain.” He turned his hand and wrapped his fingers around Steve’s wrist, drawing him over toward the couch. Even that relatively innocent touch made Steve’s skin tingle, but he pushed it away. He couldn’t. Not right now. He was still scrambling to figure out how he was going to deal with…this.
“Thanks,” Steve said, trailing after, though his smile felt wan. Loki made a sort of ‘pff’ sound.
“Don’t think on it. Much as I enjoy it, the sex is hardly the only reason I keep you around,” Loki said, with an arch and slightly wicked smile, but this time the joke just made Steve’s stomach squirm as Loki folded himself onto the couch and tugged Steve down with him, releasing his hand only to slide his arms around Steve’s waist, drawing him in close. Fortunately, Loki didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with Steve’s response. “You’re always so tense,” Loki said. “Perhaps a backrub would ease what ails you, mm?”
Steve shook his head, minutely, knowing it would just get him worked up. “Not right now.” He shifted slightly, and Loki shifted as well to lean into his shoulder, hair tickling Steve’s chin, his hand moving to rest on his chest. “This…just this is good.” He closed his eyes and turned his head so he could breathe in the smell of Loki’s shampoo, faint citrus and something else he couldn’t identify, pleasant and distinctive.
Loki’s fingers trailed down Steve’s chest, a light touch that he felt through his shirts. He held his breath for a moment and let it out carefully, some of his tension leaking away. He hadn’t been lying – it was nice, just to enjoy this kind of closeness. He could almost tell himself that maybe he’d been worrying for nothing.
“Mmm. Very well, that’s enough,” Loki said, his tone mild and faintly amused. “What is it?”
Steve started a little, and then was angry at himself for the almost guilty reaction. “What do you mean?” he said, carefully, knowing Loki would hear a lie, but he wasn’t pulling back, and he seemed in a fairly good mood. He didn’t want to spoil that, but wouldn’t it be better to bring things up now than later, when he might – react badly? He was already in a good mood. Maybe that would help.
“I can tell something is wrong,” Loki said, with a note of fond patience to his voice that made Steve either want to frown or smile and he wasn’t sure which. “You’re clearly pondering something with great solemnity. Perhaps it would help you to speak of it.”
Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I’m all right,” he said, after a moment, which was true, basically, but he felt guilty even for the hedging answer. Just ask. Be honest with him. Steve felt even guiltier that he didn’t really want to be.
“You are, perhaps. Clearly something is not.” In retrospect, he probably shouldn’t bother to try to mince words around Loki. He was too good at it. Steve made a face, and Loki turned his head and kissed Steve’s neck lightly with a soft, barely audible laugh. “Well?”
Just ask, Steve tried to urge himself. What’s the worst thing that could happen? That seemed like a dangerous question, though, so he pushed it away. He couldn’t just keep this to himself. They had to talk about it, and it would be better to do it sooner rather than later. Get everything out in the open rather than letting it sit and fester.
“Do you want me to hurt you?” Steve asked, finally, and tried to make his tone as nonjudgmental and calm as he could. Based on the way Loki tensed, however minutely, it wasn’t good enough. His fingers stopped drawing their little circles on his chest.
“Why do you ask?”
Steve shifted slightly, but only so that he was closer, like physical proximity could be reassurance. Was it, though? If Loki thought that Steve would…but he knew his closeness had comforted Loki before. “I’m just wondering. Sometimes…there’s been a few times when it seemed like…” Loki was quiet for several moments, and Steve added, “Just…do you?”
He could almost hear Loki considering his options, but he was startled by the twitch and sudden laugh, bright and sharp like cold water. “The idea has its appeal, yes. I’ve always tended toward the perverse.” The silk in Loki’s voice made uneasiness prickle down Steve’s spine, and he shook his head.
“I never said…I don’t think you’re perverse.”
“Liar.” Loki’s voice was almost a purr, and Steve started as he moved, rolled them over so he was leaning over Steve, arms braced on either side of his head. His smile was easy, teasing, and Steve’s stomach clenched. He shook his head, raising his hands to rest them on Loki’s shoulders.
“I’m not lying,” he said, firmly. “I’m just…”
Loki cocked his head a little to the side. “Concerned?” he said, and Steve’s nervousness only intensified. He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment. There was something wrong, he could hear it, and he could sense that he’d already messed up somehow but he didn’t know why, or how.
“Don’t…you’re getting defensive,” Steve said, slowly, trying to stay calm. “You don’t need to be.”
“Of course I don’t,” Loki said, almost sounding affronted at the suggestion. “I’ve never hidden what I am.”
“Who,” Steve objected, and Loki made a dismissive sort of sound, flicked a hand as though to brush it away. Steve shifted, and wrapped his fingers around Loki’s upper arms, like he could keep him from – something, that way. Whatever it was this conversation was sliding towards. “Who you are, Loki. Can you – can you tell me what I said wrong?”
Loki’s expression was perfectly startled. A little too perfectly. “Wrong? Why would you think…”
“Loki,” Steve said, and couldn’t keep a touch of impatience from slipping into his voice. Loki’s eyes glimmered, and he shifted and leaned down, his lips hovering just above Steve’s.
“Then answer my question, Captain. Do you think I’m…perverse?” His tongue flicked out, brushed Steve’s lips, and Steve jerked, inhaled sharply, his thoughts momentarily shorting out. He pushed Loki back up with an effort.
“I don’t,” he said, firmly. “You didn’t…you didn’t tell me.”
Loki’s mouth tilted up at the corners, but the expression was mirthless. “I could imagine how you would react.”
“I’m not judging you,” Steve said, keeping his voice level. Loki made a soft scoffing sound, and Steve repeated, “I’m not.”
“Your mouth says one thing, your body language another,” Loki murmured, coolly. Steve bit the inside of his cheek and took a slow breath.
“I’m not- I’m…upset, a little. I guess. But not because you…not because of anything you want.” He could feel Loki’s eyes boring into him and chose his words carefully. “Because I feel like I should have noticed.”
“Noticed that there was something wrong with me?” Steve almost wanted to swear. He hated it when Loki got like this, when everything he said seemed to be the wrong answer.
“I didn’t say that,” Steve said, a little sharply, but he reigned it in. Was Loki – embarrassed? Ashamed? He wasn’t sure, and trying to guess didn’t seem like a good idea. “I don’t think there’s something wrong with you. I just want to know…can I ask you a question?”
“Ask away.” Loki’s voice was a little too light, a little too careless.
Steve took a few deep breaths. He didn’t want to ask, but he needed to. He should have had this conversation months ago, before they’d done anything. “Have you…let me hurt you?” Steve asked. “Without saying anything? When we…have sex, have you done things that you knew would hurt you? Or – let me do things that you knew would hurt you? Intentionally?” Loki smiled crookedly.
“There is the reaction I meant. You sound so delightfully appalled. Scandalized, perhaps.”
Steve closed his eyes. “I’m serious, Loki. Have you?” He knew, though. He remembered times when he would have stopped or slowed down and Loki had pushed for more. The way Loki goaded him to the point of near loss of control. With Loki it was always harder and faster and he remembered Loki murmuring in his ear though he’d hardly registered it at the time-
I want to be undone. I want you to leave your mark on my neck, my body, my entrails, carved deep enough that it never washes away, never heals-
He’d been an idiot. A complete and oblivious dolt. And he’d been too busy getting caught up in what felt good for him to notice. Or too willing to forget, because he had known, somewhere. He just hadn’t wanted to.
Loki scoffed. “Don’t tell me you’re going to apologize.”
“How can I not?” Steve said, not quite sharply. Loki pulled away and stood in one swift movement, and Steve sat up, meeting his flat stare. Loki’s teeth flashed, and not in a smile.
“Because I said you do not need to. And it is me you are so concerned about, is it not?” His eyes were sharp and Steve could see the brittleness in the way he held himself, the slightly savage edge to the curve of his mouth. “Unless, of course, the trouble is that you are disturbed that I made you do such a thing-”
“No,” Steve said, quickly, but there was a nasty, sick, violated feeling in the pit of his stomach that Loki had known how he would feel about – this, and let it happen anyway. Encouraged it. But he should have known, said something, and there was another layer of hurt, too, that he’d thought they were doing well and yet... “No – that’s not what I mean, Loki…” Steve squeezed his eyes shut and opened them, took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “Can you sit down?”
“You want to talk, is that it?” Loki’s voice slid into a slightly distant register, something slick and unpleasant that set Steve’s teeth on edge. “Bare our feelings to each other?”
The tone in his voice stung like a slap, and Steve held his temper down, knowing it wouldn’t do him any good here. “I do want you to talk to me. I wish you’d talked to me before-”
“Yes, well. We all know how good I am at honesty.” Loki turned. “You want to know if I want you to hurt me? Oh, yes. I always have. I dreamed about it, you know, before you so much as touched me, Captain America bending me over and-”
“Stop it,” Steve said, and he could hear his own voice getting sharper and tried to level it out, but the slight churning in his stomach became a great deal more intense, part of him wanting to grab Loki by the shoulders and ask why would you ever think I would want to… “You’re just – you’re trying to shock me.”
Loki’s smile was sharp and wicked and didn’t touch his eyes. “Is it working?”
“That’s not the point,” Steve said, feeling frustration bubble up more strongly and trying to push that down as well. “You’re reacting like…I don’t know. Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”
The smile shifted slightly, became dangerous in the way that made Steve’s blood want to heat, but right now it just made him feel colder. “Why, Captain. You aren’t concerned it might be some sort of deviant fantasy?” Loki took a smooth, prowling step back toward the couch, and Steve glanced at his hands and noticed they were clenched.
“I told you,” Steve said, keeping his voice even. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you-”
“No? Just with my desires.” Loki’s smile broadened, becoming no more genuine in the process. “Or am I wrong? Is the truth that you’ve been longing all along to scourge flesh from bone, and you’re upset that I’ve deprived you of the pleasure?” Loki cocked his head a little to the side. “You could, you know. I would heal.” Another step closer, and Steve could just see something he couldn’t decipher blazing in Loki’s eyes. “You could make me scream and I would come back and beg you for more.”
Steve jerked to his feet, feeling sick. “Why would you want that?” he said, tenuous hold on his temper slipping through his hands. “Why would you want me to – is that what you want me to do? Because I’m not that kind of man, and I’d think you’d know that-”
“I don’t need you to be gentle,” Loki said harshly. “I don’t need you to coddle me. I’m not weak or fragile-”
“I know you’re not weak,” Steve said, voice rising. “But can you honestly tell me this doesn’t have anything to do with you punishing yourself?”
“And if it does?” Loki snapped back, and Steve’s stomach dropped horribly. Loki’s mouth twisted. “Why shouldn’t it? Haven’t I been wicked enough to deserve the worst you can do?”
Steve swallowed hard, several times. “I’m not a weapon you can use to hurt yourself,” he said, feeling sick. His voice sounded hoarse. “That’s not what I want to be and that’s not…I don’t want to hurt you.” Loki stared at him, chest heaving, but when Steve scrutinized his eyes he couldn’t see any kind of change, and his stomach just sank further.
“Why not,” Loki said, something strange in his voice. “Because it’s wrong?”
Steve pressed two fingers to his temples. “You’re twisting my words. All I said-”
“I know what I want, Captain. I am not some poor, deluded creature, I know exactly what I desire and it is pain.” Loki’s mouth twisted into an awful smile. “Is that wrong?”
“No, it’s not, just-”
“So what is the matter?” Loki asked, almost deadly sweet. “What is the trouble, that has you so upset? Because you don’t want to hurt me? Why?”
“I don’t like hurting anyone,” Steve said, tightly. “Loki-”
“Why not?” Loki pressed, turning to look at him, eyebrows arched. “If I want it…”
“Because it feels-” Steve cut off, but he knew he’d misstepped. It felt like he’d done nothing but misstep since he’d started talking and he didn’t know how to fix it. Loki’s eyes glittered, full of something ugly Steve didn’t want to look at.
“Wrong?” Loki suggested, eyebrows arched, and Steve wanted to scream. Loki made a sharp sound that it took him a moment to recognize as a laugh. “Tell me I’m wrong.” Loki took a step forward, the motion smooth and prowling and relentlessly sensuous, but Steve didn’t move. “Tell me I’m wicked and deviant and perverse. Tell me I’ve corrupted you, that I’m the filthy, depraved creature you always knew I was, that I’m sick or mad or whatever you like.” His eyes were brutal, hard, glittering, and he stopped, far too close to Steve, the air around him almost crackling. Steve didn’t let himself shift. Under that fey gleam, he could just make out something else in Loki’s eyes, and it made his chest ache.
“I’m not disgusted by you,” he said, quietly. “I don’t think…I don’t think there’s something wrong with you. I’m just not sure if you really want me to hurt you or if you just don’t think you deserve anything else.” Loki’s face flickered, very slightly. “You do,” Steve said, honestly. “And I want…I want to give it to you.”
Loki stared at him, his expression strange, blank, and impossible to read. “Get out,” he said, suddenly, flatly. Steve blinked, feeling like he’d been punched in the ribs.
“—what?”
“Get out,” Loki said, his voice low and vicious and brutally controlled, but Steve still heard it shake slightly as he turned away, shoulders locked up by his ears. “I do not want you here.”
The feeling went from having been punched to having been stabbed, and Steve felt himself tense. “Loki,” he said, and saw Loki’s shoulders tremble minutely.
“Do not. Make me repeat myself a third time.” His voice sounded strange. Hollow and empty, and Steve suddenly felt anger boiling up in his stomach. How could Loki do this, make it seem like it was all Steve’s fault, like he’d done something wrong, and he couldn’t do it anymore.
“Fine,” Steve said, and he could hear the hollow note in his own voice as he turned around and headed for the door. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”
He glanced back at Loki once at the door, and found he hadn’t moved, his head down and his fists clenched at his sides. He dragged his gaze away and stepped into the hallway, closing the door gently behind him.
Steve didn’t brood or fume for very long; he wasn’t very good at it. He went to the training room and boxed a punching bag until he was sweaty and tired and his head felt a little clearer, and thought back through the conversation while he was in the shower, playing it over in his head and trying to work out where things had gone sideways, but all he could come up with was that the whole thing had, more or less.
That didn’t get him anywhere, though, and if he was unhappy and upset then at least he was going to do something about it.
He borrowed one of Tony’s computers and squirreled it away to his room. He looked up masochism and from there BDSM and some of Tony’s babbling made a great deal more sense, just a little too late.
Most of the things he found on a quick search were unhelpful and made Steve want to wince, a bit, but eventually he turned up a few webpages that he read through a few times. He rubbed his mouth with one hand and sighed, beginning to feel like he should have, probably, done his research before trying to talk to Loki about anything. He was out of his depth up to his armpits.
All the advice he’d found seemed to agree on a few things. Be honest and open in discussion of your desires. That seemed like a tall order, with Loki. Before doing anything, discuss your kinks thoroughly with your partner. He’d already blown that one. Establish a safe word. He had a feeling if he even brought the idea up Loki would laugh, and only half at him.
One thing was clear, at least. They needed to talk about this if things were going to continue.
If, Steve thought, feeling a little cold. He tried to remember if Loki had told him to leave before, and came up blank. Before this whole set up, of course, Loki had taken off on his own time plenty of times, but since…
Was he supposed to go back? When? Loki hadn’t said, and he didn’t know. But he refused to think that the answer was never. Or didn’t want to think that it might be.
He did some more reading, hoping that Tony wasn’t going to check his search history. Part of him wanted to talk to Thor, because who else could he talk to, but the idea of even starting that conversation seemed like a bad one. He moved from worried to frustrated to angry (how could Loki not have said something? How could he think that was okay?) and back to worried.
If they could just talk it through…if they could just talk it through, Steve was sure they could figure something out.
Three days went by without a word and then Steve woke up to the buzzing of a text message on his phone. You have my apologies for my conduct, the message read. We should speak, when you have time.
Steve exhaled, the weight of relief crashing on his shoulders like a rock. It didn’t last long, though, before the worry was creeping back in, reminding him that it was one step, and there was still a long ways to go.
Steve knocked, cautiously, almost holding his breath. It took a moment, but then he heard the slightly muffled, “Come in,” and he let himself inside, trying not to tense though he could feel butterflies in his stomach.
Loki was sitting sprawled lazily on one of the armchairs, his posture loose and at ease with Váli in his lap. Under the casual veneer, though, both of them were eyeing Steve with an eerily similar expression of wariness. Steve wondered sometimes if the cat was picking up on some of Loki’s mannerisms by living with him. He shifted slightly. “Hey,” he said, after a moment, and then felt like an idiot as Loki’s eyebrows twitched up, his face otherwise completely still. Steve took a breath through his nose and pushed forward. “Can we talk?”
“I assumed that was why you were here.” Steve wished he could have said what was in Loki’s voice, but he couldn’t even start to guess. It reminded him just how much Loki was letting him see on a regular basis.
“If you’d rather not,” Steve started, but then couldn’t have said how he meant that sentence to finish. He exhaled, and shook his head. “Firstly – I’m sorry I upset you.”
That got a reaction, Loki’s eyebrows pulling together and his mouth curving toward a frown. “—you are apologizing to me?” he said, sounding surprised, and Steve blinked.
“Well…yes,” he said, after a moment’s pause. “I upset you, and I didn’t mean to. There was probably a better way to…to have this conversation, and I didn’t find it.” Loki stared at him as though Steve had said something particularly odd, and after a moment he had to fidget. “What?”
After a moment, Loki looked away, gaze straying toward the windows. “You spoke honestly. I could not expect anything else from you.”
“Honest doesn’t have to mean tactless,” Steve said, the nervousness roiling in his stomach. Loki made a sharp, breathless sound and glanced back, his gaze still unreadable.
“I doubt that many would hold you at fault for any of your words, Captain.”
Steve bit the inside of his cheek, and then said, “Well, I do.”
“I should not have been so harsh with you as I was,” Loki said, after a moment. “It was…childish. Unnecessary.”
“I accept your apology,” Steve said, more formally maybe than he would have with anyone else, but he hoped maybe Loki would actually hear it, that way. “I probably didn’t go about talking about it very well, to be honest.” He took a deep breath. “I’d like to…start over.”
Loki glanced away. Steve thought he was still looking at him, but only sidelong. “Must we?” He said, but he didn’t sound like he really expected the answer to be anything but yes.
“Yes,” said Steve, firmly, but he tried to make it gentle, too. “I need to know…do you understand why I was upset?”
Loki’s mouth twisted. “I manipulated you into something you didn’t want, knowing that you would…disapprove. Because it is what I desire.” His voice was flat, and his eyes moved to look straight forward. “It was – at best – inconsiderate.”
Put that way, it sounded so…stark. Steve wanted to wince. “Well – yes,” he said, carefully. “I am upset because you didn’t tell me. And I’m upset that – you didn’t think you could tell me, or weren’t willing to. But more than that, I was – scared, that you thought that was what I wanted, that you didn’t know that I care about you and that means I don’t want to hurt you. That somehow I’d given you the wrong idea.”
Loki glanced away, and Steve caught a flicker of unhappiness across his face. “You have not. You have never…I have not believed, since I have known you, that you would want to hurt me.”
Steve felt his shoulders go limp with relief stronger than he would have expected. He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and nodded. “Good,” he said. “That’s…good. I’m glad.” But that was only one part of it, and, Steve suspected, the easier part. The rest… “…we still, though…Loki. We still need to talk about – other things. About sex.”
Steve felt awkward the moment the words were out, and did not fail to notice the way Loki tensed a notch further.
“Oh?”
Steve sighed, and did let himself rub his eyes. Of course Loki wasn’t going to make this easy. When did he ever? He reminded himself firmly that Loki – probably wasn’t just being difficult for the sake of being difficult. “We need to figure out what…happens, from here,” Steve said. “Because keeping on just the same isn’t – isn’t going to work, and I need to know…I need to be able to trust you.” Loki just looked at him, and Steve pushed forward. “Otherwise, it’s not fair to me – and it’s not fair to you either.”
Loki’s expression didn’t fluctuate, but he spread his hands, mouth curving in a false smile. “Tell me, then, what is your will, Captain?” Steve breathed out through his nose.
“I’m not going to make unilateral decisions for both of us. That’s not how a relationship works.” Loki blinked once, slowly, but otherwise just continued to stare. “It’s a compromise. A…negotiation.”
Loki snorted, softly. “Do negotiations not generally take place between enemies?”
“Not always,” Steve said, firmly, “and it’s not really…just a way of thinking about it.” He paused, then paced over and sat down across from Loki with his elbows on his knees. “Can’t you just…talk to me? About whatever it is you’re thinking?” The smile Loki flashed him was bitter.
“When do I ever seem capable of that, Captain?” he asked, voice painfully wry.
“Practice makes perfect,” Steve said, with an attempt at a smile that felt weak even to him. Loki’s mouth twitched in a small and faintly bitter smile of his own. “I’m not exactly…experienced at this. Any of this,” he added, after a moment. “I’m just trying to figure out…even before I…the second I asked you if you wanted me to hurt you, you were upset. Can you tell me why?” Loki’s mouth did something strange, but a moment later his expression was smoothed to neutrality. “Loki?” Steve pressed, gently, leaning forward, but Loki drew slightly away from him and he stopped at once. “Is everything…”
Loki’s hands twitched on the cat on his lap, very slightly, his gaze again straying elsewhere. Steve wanted to ask him to look at him, but wasn’t sure that he should. “I wonder sometimes,” he said at length, “what is the use in speaking truth when it inevitably only seems to…I could have told you what you wanted to hear.”
Steve felt a chill down his spine. “That would be worse,” he said, emphatically. “That’s not – just because I don’t – I’m glad you told me the truth!”
“Are you?” Loki’s voice wasn’t quite sharp, but Steve could hear the bite in the question. “It didn’t seem so then. Or now, for that matter.”
“I was – I was upset,” Steve said. “That doesn’t mean-” His chest tightened. “Do you really think I’d rather not know?”
“I think I’d rather you didn’t,” Loki snapped, his voice suddenly rising. “I think I would rather you did not look at me as you do now, with pity, with caution. I am not some broken thing, and I do not wish you to see me as such, as somehow – damaged. I am not.”
Steve exhaled harshly. “I don’t think of you like that.”
“Don’t lie to me; I can see it on your face,” Loki said. “In the way you speak to me now, and in the way you spoke to me then.”
“You’re getting defensive again,” Steve said, keeping his voice calm.
“And why shouldn’t I be?”Loki tossed his head back and looked down the line of his nose. “You have made your feelings clear. I understand you are repulsed and I understand why-”
“I’m not repulsed,” Steve objected, “and certainly not by you.”
“Would you prefer to say you find it tragic? Or pathetic?”
“I never said anything like-”
“Did you not?” Loki’s eyebrows rose. “I crave pain because I am in some way deficient, is that not what you said?”
“That’s not-” Steve wanted to snap that he’d thought they were going to talk, not argue more, and reminded himself firmly that this was what Loki always did, when things got sensitive. The walls came up and the claws came out, and it wasn’t productive or helpful but he didn’t need to put Loki more on the defensive. “I don’t think you’re deficient. I’m worried that it’s not about what you want but what you think you deserve. And I want you to know that that’s not true.”
Loki’s mouth twisted. “And if it is simply what I want? What then?”
“Then we’ll…figure it out.” Steve rubbed his forehead. “I’ve told you what I don’t want. Why don’t you tell me what you do, and then we can…compromise, work something out…” He trailed off awkwardly. Loki scoffed, and Steve’s temper snapped a little. “I don’t know what I’m doing, all right?” he said, not quite sharply. “But I’m trying, because I want this to work. And when you called me back here, I thought this meant that you did too. And that means you have to try too, and you don’t have to get it right, but you do need to be honest with me.”
Loki blinked at him, seeming taken aback, and then looked down. For a moment Steve thought he’d gone too far, spoken too sharply, but then Loki nodded, very slightly.
“I…yes. I understand.”
Steve slumped, but he didn’t actually feel any better for hearing it. “Good,” he said, and then repeated it, “good.” He took a step toward Loki, but stopped before actually reaching out, not sure if he should, just yet. “Can you…answer the question? This whole…thing, having this conversation at all, is upsetting to you, and I don’t know that I really understand why. I can – kind of tell, you know, when you’re actually upset by what I’m saying and when you’re just picking a fight because you’re trying to avoid something.”
Loki didn’t look terribly pleased by that pronouncement. “Can you.”
Steve crossed his arms and leveled a stern gaze on Loki, and after a moment he glanced away, fidgeting slightly. The tension hadn’t ebbed left, nor the brittleness, but some of the raw edges and spines seemed to have receded, slightly.
“It is not a point of pride, for me,” he said, finally, and then stopped. Steve sighed inwardly.
“Can you give me a little more than that?” He asked, though gently. “I understand that you’re…”
“It is not precisely something encouraged.” His interruption cut across Steve, though it was quiet. “Nor…typical.”
“You’re not exactly typical in general,” Steve said, half weak attempt at a joke. Loki looked to him briefly, and then away.
“No? I suppose not. And that has ever been the trouble.” He paused, a moment, and then went on. “I anticipated your disgust, Captain, on the plain and simple basis that I disgust myself.” Loki’s voice was almost absent inflection, and Steve’s chest felt tight. He wanted to interrupt, but couldn’t find the words. Loki huffed an almost silent laugh and went on. “What does it say of me that what I most desperately crave is for someone to hurt me? That I crave punishment so much that I would make you – incorruptible, upright - my unwilling instrument in my perverse game-”
“Loki,” Steve said, quietly, though his heart hurt. “You’re not…”
His shoulders hunched, and Vali was on his feet and jumping down from Loki’s lap with an offended meow. “Do you think Thor dreams someone would beat him bloody? Do you think he has ever once wished that-”
“I don’t know,” Steve said, trying to push down frustration that made him want to shake Loki but also everyone else who’d given him the idea that he was supposed to be his brother. “But it doesn’t matter, you’re not Thor, you’re you.”
“And what I am,” Loki said, his voice harsh, unforgiving, “is a weak, sniveling, pathetic-”
“Stop it,” Steve said firmly, his voice coming out almost harsh. “That’s not true, none of that is true, and I’m not going to listen to you talk about yourself that way.” Loki’s mouth snapped closed, but the look in his eyes remained dark, sullen. Steve resisted the urge to rub his own. “So you’re…ashamed.”
Loki’s laugh was painful to hear. “How could I not be?” he said, and Steve wished he could ask Thor about this, but he wouldn’t even know how to start. Wished he knew better what to say, and couldn’t help but think that anyone would be better at this than he was.
“I don’t think you need to be,” he said, slowly. “It’s just…another part of you, isn’t it? It doesn’t need to define you.” He tried to smile. “I don’t think anyone could define you in just one simple way.”He thought he caught the ghost of a smile flickering across Loki’s face. “I’ve never once thought of you as weak,” he added. “And I don’t see how…what you want in bed has anything to do with you as a person.”
Loki gave him a look through his eyelashes. “Isn’t that what you were concerned about, Captain?”
Steve rubbed his hands through his hair. “No,” he said, and then shook his head. “Well - no. What I’m worried about is – no, you know what? That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I don’t want to hurt you, but I still want you to-” he could feel his face getting warm, and pushed on. “I want you to be satisfied. Sexually.”
“That is your concern?” Loki seemed strangely surprised. “Don’t worry yourself over that-”
Steve made a loud sound of protest, and Loki gave him a startled look. “How can I not?” he said, almost indignantly. “I’m not going to – I’m hardly going to-” He broke off, feeling a twinge of something that was both frustration and worry. “What you want is important to me! And if there’s – if there’s something else I can do…”
Loki looked at him for a long time, and then shook his head slowly. “I expected you to be angrier,” Loki said, half to himself, Steve thought. Maybe like he thought that would have been easier. Steve waited, and after a moment Loki stood and paced over to the windows, looking out so Steve couldn’t see his eyes. “I do not…know.”
“Don’t know what?” Steve said carefully, gently.
“If there is…something else. It is not…” Loki’s shoulders twitched. “I have always craved violence.”
Steve wondered if Asgard had the same kind of views as he suspected Earth did. Wondered how early on Loki had decided that his desires were a thing to be ashamed of, and turned that inward. “I know…maybe you can’t. And you don’t need to,” Steve said, still careful. “But do you think you could tell me…”
“Why I am as I am?” Loki’s voice was slightly sharp, edged, and Steve winced. He was silent for a moment, shoulders a tense line again. “You weren’t wrong,” Loki said, finally, very quietly. “When you said..I do not know how to receive your gentleness.” Steve watched his hands open and close at his sides. “It-” He seemed to struggle, for a moment, pushing the words out. “—it frightens me. I cannot trust…” He trailed off, and Steve forced himself to sit still, keep his mouth closed. “I don’t want to be in control,” Loki said, finally, almost a whisper. “And that is what…it is a moment where I can pretend that I am not. When I do not need to do anything but feel.”
Steve closed his eyes, chest aching all over again. “I understand,” he said quietly, and he did, a little. Could understand wanting to let go, and not feeling able to. But he still…
He imagined, just for a moment, hurting Loki. Not just a little roughness in bed but – beating him or something just to make Loki feel pain like he was talking about, and his stomach rolled violently. He couldn’t…couldn’t do that.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said, finally, quietly. He saw Loki’s shoulders stiffen. “I don’t want to, and that’s not…I’m not going to change my mind on that.” He took a deep breath and stood up. He stepped toward Loki, reaching out a hand to brush one of his shoulders. “But…but that doesn’t mean we can’t work something out.”
Loki was very quiet, and Steve felt a little flutter of anxiety until, finally, he breathed out, his shoulders sliding down, and turned, his expression guarded but a glimmer of something back in his eyes, maybe hope.
“Something, Captain?” he murmured, with the shadow of an arch smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Steve smiled back, though his felt unsure and tentative.
“Just give me a little bit to think,” he said. Loki’s mouth tugged at one corner and then fell back, and Steve gave in and reached out to pull Loki into an embrace, wrapping his arms around his narrow waist and holding him protectively close.
After a moment, he felt Loki shudder, very slightly. “Hey,” he said. “It’s okay.”
“Perhaps,” Loki said, and it wasn’t a yes but it wasn’t a no either. He turned his head and pressed his face to Steve’s neck, inhaled deeply. His arms moved to slowly slide around Steve and not pushing for more than just standing here, together. And that was fine.
They’d be fine.