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Bartholomew Henry West-Allen has always known that he wanted children. He always wanted to be able to raise a child. He always wanted to let them know that they mean everything to him, to love a tiny human that he helped make as much as his parents and Joe loved him. He and Iris know that they want them eventually, but they decide not to worry about it for a few years after getting married.
Then they’re twenty nine going on thirty, and they decide that they would like for kids to happen.
The stream of metahumans is slowing down. Wally and Jesse are picking up two thirds of the alerts anyway. Cisco feels comfortable enough with the state of Star Labs and Team Flash that he and Cindy go on month long jaunts to other earths. Caitlin has finally seen the light and has come back to them. She’s back to being the team’s doctor, and has even decided to try being a hero a go. She tried to call herself Snow Queen, but the press won’t stop calling her Elsa. She’s decided that she just has to deal with it.
They feel like it’s time. There is never going to be a better time to bring children into the world than right now while the world has seemed to slow down.
So they try. And they try, and they try. And they keep trying and trying, to no avail.
It’s not like they get tired of trying (the trying is amazing. Every attempt with Iris feels like the greatest thing that he’s ever done in his life), but he’s starting to get worried, and she’s starting to get worried. It’s been a year, something should have happened, right? They decide to get a professional’s opinion.
Caitlin’s a professional, right? She knows everything medical related. Barry gets her to run some tests on both of them. She comes in with a look on her face that reminds her of the day one of his dad’s perfectly healthy patients had died on the operating table. Barry knows that can’t be good.
“What is it?” Barry asks. Caitlin bites her lip.
“You won’t like it,” Caitlin says. She sounds downright nervous. Barry doesn’t know how it could be as bad as she’s making it out to be. Whatever the problem is, they’ll be able to adjust for it.
“Whatever it is, we can handle it. We just have to make a few adjustments, right?”
“Yeah,” Iris says, “whatever it is you need us to do we can.”
“I just want us to have a baby,” Barry says. Surely whatever it is they need to do can’t be that extensive or unpleasant.
“Barry, I don’t think that you can .”
“What?” Caitlin then goes on to explain the results of her tests, and how the combination of the Speed Force and his other metahuman attributes have seemingly made him infertile.
“Everything’s fine on Iris’s side though,” Caitlin says, forcing a perky smile.
“I just- wow,” Barry says. He doesn’t know how to process this. He always wanted children- his own children, his and Iris's. He never even considered the chance that that wasn’t a possibility.
“Yeah,” Iris says. She sounds as startled as he does. This wasn’t something that they’d considered. They’d been expecting fertility treatment ideas, not for Caitlin to tell him that he’s infertile. He never even considered that.
“I can run some more tests,” Cailtin says, “there might be something that I missed.”
“I think we know enough now,” Barry says. Caitlin doesn’t make mistakes. And Barry’s got the sinking suspicion that this is not an exception. He and Iris have been trying as hard as they can for a year.
They’ve had twelve opportunities, and they didn’t let any of them go to waste. He thinks that she must be right. Barry realizes that there isn’t anything else that they can do here. They might as well leave. Which of course means that he needs to run them back to the apartment.
Iris has a car, of course, but if they’re going to the same place it’s easier for him to run them both over. He ran them over today, and he’ll have to run them back to their apartment now. Lots of times when Barry runs her across town, she’ll run into his arms and he’ll catch her like Jake Peralta and Terry Jeffords on that episode of Brooklyn Nine Nine.
“Are you ready to go?” he asks. She nods, and Barry picks her up gently. Then he runs them across town, and a few seconds later they’re standing in their entry way. He moves to set her down, and Iris grabs his shoulder.
“Carry me to the couch,” she says. Barry has never been able to say no to Iris in his life. He’s not exactly gonna start now. He carries her to the couch and sets her down. Then he sits down beside her.
He still feels numb. Iris looks it.
“So,” Barry says. He hopes that Iris will have some clever solution. She always does. She always knows what to say, what to do to fix things. Even before Iris knew what she wanted to do with her life, she was always so confident in herself. Barry’s always found himself feeding off of that. He needs that right now.
“So,” Iris says back. She doesn’t sound any more confident than he does, which is disheartening. Barry has no clue what he should be doing right now.
“What do we do now?” Barry asks.
“I don’t know,” Iris admits, “it just- it still doesn’t seem real. I never actually thought we wouldn’t be able to have our own kids.”
“I know,” Barry says, “I just- I want our baby to look up at me with your smile” Barry knows that’s not right . He shouldn’t care about whether or not their baby is actually his and Iris’s genetically. He should be able to set aside that dream of seeing their features come together on a baby that hopefully has more of her traits than his and be able to love the idea of just having a child.
“Is that too selfish?”
“No,” Iris says, smiling sadly as she takes his hand, “I was hoping that our baby would get your eyes.”
“Do you think we should give up now? Just get adjusted to the idea of adopting.” He doesn’t really want to, but things seem hopeless. It’s not really worth it to cling to a fantasy that biology says will never come true.
“No,” Iris says, and she squeezes his hand, “we shouldn’t give up yet. I’m not ready to let this go.”
“Caitlin didn’t think there was any hope.” Barry trusts Caitlin’s medical opinion more than any other doctor he knows. He doesn’t know if there is anyway that they can do this, no matter how much he wants to.
“I research things, Barr,” Iris says, “it’s what I do. Let me look into this. I might find a way. Don’t give up yet.” She smiles at him, and he sees her normal self-confidence ease back onto her face. Iris does think that she can find a solution for this.
Barry believes in Iris more than anything, so he nods. If anyone can do this, then she can. They might have a baby yet.
Iris Ann West-Allen has not always known that she wanted children. When she was little, she thought kids were cute. The older she got, the less appealing the idea got. Especially after periods, and then after sex ed that specifically talked about the “joys” of pregnancy. Exactly none of those things seemed joyful if you asked her.
She watched classmates of hers suffer through teen pregnancies they didn’t want because their parents wouldn’t let them abort. She listened to the horror stories. She watched screaming children in Walmart. She watched babies barf all over their strollers. She didn’t think that anything would make her want to go through nine months of hell to get a screaming bundle of vomit and poop.
But as she got older and watched her friends from college have them when they’d planned to have them, she started to see the appeal. Especially when she listens to her father talk about how much she loves her and Barry and Wally. There is something appealing about the idea of watching a person that she helped make grow up and learn how to be a person. She wants to love someone as deeply as her dad loves his kids.
This was only magnified by the gleam in Barry’s eyes when he talks about kids, and the idea of them being his, of raising them together. Eventually all of this combined changed her mind. She does want kids. She wants kids with Barry . If there is any way that she can make that happen, she will.
She starts researching fringe fertility treatments, all of the weird treatment ideas that no one really thinks will work. There’s a stone in England that people think passing through seven times will help bring about pregnancy. There’s a statue in France that people kiss on the lips, leave a flower at and then rub the crotch of to increase fertility.
Iris is fairly sure that neither of these things will work. She digs through pages and pages and pages of probably useless information about different herbs and spells and ointments. She files away a few tea ideas, but generally decides that these options aren’t for her.
She’s starting to worry that there might not be a fix for her until she stumbles across a subreddit dedicated to one “Jane the Virgin”. Iris is a quality journalist. Of course she doesn’t trust Reddit as a source right off the bat, but she does notice hundreds of comments claiming that touching Jane helped bring a couple a long-awaited baby. Some couples that had tried for years to no avail, some couples that claimed to be infertile before, and a few women that claimed she helped them and their wives conceive. Iris is skeptical, but still interested.
She googles the phrase “Jane the Virgin” and finds an interesting article from the Miami Herald.
“Jane the Virgin Lesbian Married”
The woman once hailed by local Catholic authorities as a cure-all for fertility related problems has recently married a woman, according to her father’s twitter account. Rogelio De La Vega has praised his new “lesbian daughter-in-law” and has warned critics of his daughter’s marriage and sexuality that he will not be afraid to take them to court for hate speech and libel.
Mr. De La Vega is not the only one who wished to comment on Ms. Villanueva’s mariage. Sister Margaret, the principle of Our Lady of Sorrows High School, has spoken of Ms. Villanueva’s healing abilities at length in the past. While she has been silent in recent months, she had not retracted her previous statement that Catholics with fertility issues should take counsel with “Jane the Virgin”, who would ease their fertility issues. Upon this development, Sister Margaret has this to say. “We apologize to the devout Catholics that we led astray with this earlier information. We now know that Jane Villanueva is not blessed, and she does not have the power to cure infertility. If anything, she needs healing from someone else.” When asked to elaborate on her views on Ms. Villanueva’s marriage, Sister Margaret declined to comment.
When asked for a comment, Ms. Villanueva declined.
This is probably nothing. If anything, it sounds like the plot of a soap opera, not a real lead on how to cure her husband’s apparent infertility. But her life is a little bit like a soap opera too, or a really cheesy superhero movie. She remembers how Barry’s face had fallen when Caitlin told him, and decides that she needs to at least check this out.
Instead of letting this lie, she searches Jane Villanueva on Facebook. The account is locked, of course. All she can see is her profile picture. The woman in the picture has a sunny smile, tanned skin and curly hair. She’s absolutely gorgeous. If Iris was still an insecure high school girl who had decided that white girls weren’t inherently prettier than everyone else but hadn’t fully embraced her own appearance, she might have been jealous. Instead, she can just appreciate Jane for being another gorgeous woman and go back to her insane plan to find out whether or not there’s any merit to that theory that she’s magic.
Iris is a lot of things, but a hacker isn’t one of them. If she doesn’t become Jane’s Facebook friend, then she’s never going to get onto her page on her own. She does, however, know hackers. One of them is a best friend of hers, and was Barry’s best man at their wedding. She dials Cisco’s number, and he picks up immediately. That’s the sort of friends they are.
“Yo, what up? Someone dying?” That’s also the kind of friends they are.
“No one’s dying,” Iris assures him.
“Okay, I gotta go then. Cindy and I are on Earth 29 on the beach right now.” .
“Please,” Iris says, “I really need your mad hacker skills.” Cisco sighs.
“Where are you?”
“At the apartment,” Iris says.
“You’re lucky I love you,” he says as he hangs up the phone. Iris smiles. Then a breach opens in front of her and Cisco comes through, clad in nothing but swim trunks with R2-D2 and C-3P0 all over them and his Vibe goggles. He’s not even wearing flip-flops. She's fairly sure that he's getting sand on the carpet right now.
“Thanks, Cisco,” Iris says. Cisco scoops up her laptop, and spirits it over to the counter. He sits down at one of the bar stools, and then starts typing.
“I’m in,” Cisco says five seconds later.
“You are amazing,” Iris says. She isn’t even exaggerating. Cisco might say that Felicity’s a better hacker than he is, but she isn’t the one that would drag herself away from a hot date on another earth just to help Iris hack into someone’s Facebook. Iris isn’t sure that she would do that even if she could.
“Why do you need to hack someone’s Facebook?” Cisco asks seriously.
“Just a lead I’m following,” Iris says, trying to sound casual. She leans against the counter beside her to emphasize how casual she’s being. Cisco doesn’t look convinced.
“I want deets, girl.”
“Trust me,” Iris says, pulling him into a hug, “If this goes the way I hope it will, then you’ll have all of them and more.”
“Alright,” Cisco says, “but if this doesn’t go the way you want it to, I still want the deets. Is that cool?” Iris doesn’t want to think about what will happen if ( when a negative voice that calls itself realistic says) that happens.
“Promise,” Iris says. She hopes that she doesn’t sound as nervous as she feels.
“Alright, I can live with that.”
“Thanks for your help, Cisco. I really appreciate it.” Cisco’s become more sure of himself since they first met, but she knows that he always likes to know that he’s wanted. Everyone does.
“Happy to help,” Cisco says, sending her a winning smile. Then he slides his shades off his head and over his eyes, and then he opens a breach in her living room.
“Catch you later, Iris,” he says, grinning. Iris knows that she can do one better than that.
“See you on the flip side,” Iris says. Cisco salutes as he walks into the breach, and Iris grins so wide that her face nearly hurts. Iris is so glad that they’ve become good friends over the years. Cisco just makes her life so much brighter.
Iris decides to start scrolling through Jane’s posts. She tries not to feel guilty as she passes semi-private conversations with friends and family.
It’s November 2nd, and the third post that comes up is for Halloween. There is picture of Jane, her wife, and their three children dressed up as superheroes. Jane herself is dressed up in one of the best Vibe cosplays that Iris has ever seen. The woman that Iris assumes is her wife is dressed up as Supergirl. Their son is dressed up as The Flash, and then their daughters are dressed up as Black Canary and as Firestorm.
Iris screenshots it, and sends the picture to both Cisco and Barry. No matter how many people Barry and Cisco see dressed up as them, they never stop getting excited about it. She gets a text back immediately.
wtf she looks better than me
how does she look better than me
IRIS (crying emoji)
Iris sends him a smirking emoji and leaves the conversation at that. Then she dives back into Jane’s Facebook page.
Jane Villanueva is a popular woman. Her page is coated in pictures of her kids, her wife, her parents, her grandmother, her baby daddy, and her numerous friends. It leaves even Iris feeling a little inadequate, until she comes to a post from this June. It’s an appropriate post for Pride month. There’s never a better time to tell off homophobes.
“I’ve survived accidental artificial insemination, a hurricane, the Particle Accelerator explosion, three children, one of those children being kidnapped, building myself a writing career and remaining Catholic while being married to a woman. You think you’re going to scare me with a homophobic comment on my Facebook page?” That’s such a clusterfuck of crazy that Iris almost doesn’t notice the Particle Accelerator Explosion on the list of crazy things that Jane has survived.
Iris has her next lead.
Jane Gloriana Villanueva is twenty eight years old. She is a lot of things: a published author, a mother of three, a beloved wife, a local gay icon. She is no longer a virgin. Unless, of course, your definition of virginity requires a penis going into a vagina, then Jane is still a virgin. These are all technicalities and have no bearing on our current story.
Right now, Jane is home alone. Rafael has the kids tonight, and Petra is still at work. She doesn’t expect any visitors. That doesn’t mean that she isn’t going to get any, of course. That is what will propel our current story forward.
Someone rings the doorbell. Jane sighs, but gets up off the couch. She goes to open up the door, and is greeted by the most gorgeous couple she’s ever seen.
The woman and man standing in front of her look like a physical manifestation of her bisexuality. They might actually be her sexuality shoulder angels.
“Can I help you?” Jane squeaks.
“Hi,” the woman says, sounding both professional and friendly, “I’m Iris West-Allen, and this is my husband, Barry. I’m a reporter at CCPN.”
“CCPN?” Jane asks. That’s definitely not a local paper. Does the CC stand for Central City?
“Central City Picture News,” Iris clarifies.
“What would you want to talk to me about?” Jane’s life might be a soap opera, but no one ever wants to talk to her about it, unless it’s to do with-
“I won’t tell you anything about the Solanos,” Jane says firmly. She’s already caused one disaster by telling a reporter something about her baby daddy’s family. She didn’t know that he was a reporter, but still. She can’t take any chances.
“This isn’t about the Solanos,” Iris assures her, “we wanted to ask you some questions about yourself.” The woman seems nice enough.
“Alright,” Jane says. That could be about any number of things. Best case scenario, it’s about her recently published novel. She invites them in, and has them sit at the bar.
“Do you want something to drink?” Jane asks.
“Just a glass of water, please,” Iris says.
“Me too,” Barry says. Jane gets three glasses of water, and then sits down at the counter beside Iris.
“So,” Jane says, “what do you want to ask me?”
“I actually wanted to ask you about this “Jane the Virgin” thing,” Iris says. Jane groans.
“I thought I nipped that in the butt when I settled down with a woman,” Jane says, “the Church didn’t really want me as their poster child for anything after that.”
“There’s still a whole online community dedicated to you,” Iris says, “people that believe that you have fertility powers.”
“Uh yeah,” Jane says, “you see, I was artificially inseminated about six years ago, and I’d taken this virginity pledge to my grandma. So I was a pregnant virgin teaching at a Catholic school, and then one of the nuns convinced people that I had fertility powers because people thought I was like the Virgin Mary.” Jane has gotten so tired of telling this story to so many people over the years.
“What do you think about it?” Iris asks. Then Jane realizes exactly what’s happening here. A gorgeous woman and her husband, asking her questions about the "Jane the Virgin" fiasco?
“You’re trying for a baby,” Jane says blandly. Barry looks a little contrite, but Iris doesn’t back down.
“You’re one of those wackos that want to touch me for fertility reasons!” Jane wasn’t sure what she expected when she invited this couple into her house, but it certainly wasn’t this. She hasn’t had to deal with “Jane the Virgin” shit since she finally got them to leave her alone after Mateo was born.
Iris doesn’t even look phased.
“You were in Central City the night that the Particle Accelerator exploded,” Iris says evenly.
“I was,” Jane says. She doesn’t know what that has to do with anything. It takes her a moment to realize that she should be wondering how in the world Iris knows that.
“How do you know that?” Jane demands. Barry sighs.
“We might have stalked your Facebook,” he says.
“Barry,” Iris hisses. Apparently, they weren’t planning to tell Jane this.
“My Facebook is set to “friends only”,” Jane says. How did they even manage to do that? Facebook stalking requires access to someone’s page.
“My best friend’s a hacker,” Barry says.
“Oh my god,” Jane says. These people actually hacked into her Facebook. She feels really uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry,” Iris says, “but we were really desperate.”
“You mentioned the Particle Accelerator explosion,” Jane says, trying not to explode again, “what does that have to do with anything?” The pair share a meaningful look.
“The Particle Accelerator created the metahumans in Central City,” Iris says, “the Flash included.”
“You’re saying the Particle Accelerator gave the Flash his powers? And Vibe?” Jane still doesn’t know what they’re implying, but she’s interested now.
“Yes,” Iris says, “and Kid Flash, and Jesse Quick, and Firestorm, and Snow Queen, and you too.”
“Me?” Jane asks, “what powers would I have? Like, I think I would have noticed if I started shooting fire out of my hands.” It’s been years since the Particle Accelerator explosion, wouldn’t she have noticed if she had superpowers? Neither Iris nor Barry says anything.
“And how do you even know that’s what gave the metas their powers? I’ve never heard anyone say that before.” No one really knows what’s up with Central City. They just write it off as a weird place that people who aren’t locals don’t want to move to (like Starling City, and Gotham) and stop thinking about it. Jane only thinks about the weirdness in Central City when she’s watching the news or reading the paper.
Or checking blogs for new pictures of Vibe, which is not creepy. It’s perfectly healthy to nurse a celebrity crush or two, okay? If Petra gets to decorate their room with Supergirl paraphernalia then she gets to look at some pictures of Vibe.
“We have it on good authority from the Flash,” Iris says. Now that? That makes Jane angry. These people just want her to take their word for this, that she’s a metahuman.
“I just- I don’t believe you. Not without any evidence.” She refuses to just accept this. She doesn’t know what game they’re playing, but she won’t get dragged into it. The two share a look, and then Barry sighs. He looks like he’s made a decision. A moment later, he’s engulfed in lightning. Then he’s gone, and a few moments later he returns with a Sonic drink. His clothes are smoking slightly, like they’ve caught fire.
“You could have changed, you know,” Iris says.
“She got the point,” Barry says, “didn’t really need to hammer it in. Plus I didn’t really like this shirt.”
“I bought you that shirt,” Iris accuses. Barry looks a little contrite, and Jane just- she can’t believe this. She saw it, but it’s just, it’s so crazy.
“You’re the- the”
“The Flash, yeah,” he says, smiling at her and holding up the drink, like it's somehow as exciting as him being the Flash, “I got you a drink, but I just kind of guessed what you’d like. Do you like slushes?” He hands it to her, and she looks at it blankly for a moment. This guy standing in her kitchen is The Flash. He just ran across town to her get a soft drink.
Jane has never felt the need to go to the one Sonic Drive-In in Miami, or even stop at one of the many she’s seen on the side of the road, so she wouldn’t know one way or another. Slushes are probably fine. She takes a sip, and there’s a fucking nerd in it. Not a nerd like Barry of course, a hard candy one. Someone thought it was a good idea to put hard candy in a beverage. She sets the drink down on the counter, feeling thoroughly betrayed. Apparently, Barry can tell that she doesn’t like it.
“I can get you something else,” he offers.
“I don’t, um,” Jane says, “I don’t want to make you buy a new one.” She feels bad enough that he bought her the first one.
“You did pay for it, right?” Jane asks. He moved so fast that she can’t really be sure. Barry looks offended.
“Of course I did, I’m a superhero.”
“Alright,” Jane says, “but you don’t have to buy me another drink.” She feels bad enough letting her father or the man she shares three children with pay for stuff. Hell, it took Jane forever to be comfortable with Petra using her own money to buy her things . She doesn’t really feel right letting a stranger buy her a soft drink.
“We’re making your life complicated. Let me get you a drink.” Jane really can’t argue with that. They are making her life complicated. Even more complicated than it already was. Jane already thought that her life was a carnival sideshow.
“Alright,” she says, “do they have mango of that?” Out of all of the “vaguely fruity flavors” mango is her favorite.
“Mango peach,” Barry says.
“I can live with that. But no nerds this time.” She does not want hard candy in her drink, thank you very much. Barry nods as he speeds off.
“Does he do this a lot?” Jane asks.
“Which part?” Iris asks.
“Run across town for drinks?” Jane has a million questions, but she doesn’t really know where to start. She’s just been given access to one of the best kept secrets in the world. She doesn’t have any idea how she’s supposed to react. She’s not even that good at keeping secrets. Other than she and Petra’s fake marriage that eventually became real, she hasn’t really had any. At least not big ones like this.
“One time he ran across the Atlantic to get me a drink,” Iris says.
“Really?” Jane asks. She knows that the Flash is the “Fastest Man Alive” (which is debatable with all those speedster villains and Kid Flash and Jesse Quick on the scene) but is he really fast enough to run over water?
“Yeah,” Iris says, with the same tone Jane uses when she talks about she and Petra’s mood rings, “We went to Ireland a few years ago, and we had this amazing apple cider that they don’t sell here. I told him I was craving it, and he came back three minutes later with a whole case of the stuff.”
“That’s so cute,” Jane says. Iris doesn't say anything. Jane doesn't say anything either. They sit in awkward silence until a moment later when Barry shows up with a new drink. Jane takes a sip, and decides that this is much better than the first one. It's probably not good enough that she'll make a habit of going to the Sonic on the other side of town, but it's pretty good. Jane takes another sip of her slush, ad waits for someone to talk. No one does, and she realizes that they expect her to start the conversation. That's just great. Jane's the one who's the most confused here. They could at least do her the courtesy of explaining things.
“So, you two are really here because you think I’m a metahuman,” Jane says. She hopes that will get her the explanations that she wants.
“Well, that’s not really it,” Iris says at the same time that Barry says, “basically.”
“And what, exactly, do you think my powers are?” Jane asks. They started out this conversation by talking about the “Jane the Virgin” incident, but Jane doesn’t really know how that correlates to possible metahuman abilities. If she were able to shoot webs out of her wrists like Spider-Man does, she would notice, right?
“Fertility related,” Iris says. Alright, that explains the “Jane the Virgin” thing, but that doesn't explain why that would happen.
“Why would I have fertility powers, though?” Jane asks, “tons of people were hit by the Particle Accelerator and didn’t get powers. My friend Lina was with me and she didn’t get powers.” At least no powers that they know of. If Jane actually has powers she might not rule out the possibility.
“You were pregnant during the explosion,” Iris says.
“So you’re saying that somehow that the explosion interacted with my fetus to give me fertility powers?” She and Lina’s trip to Central City was only a few days after that fateful gynecologist appointment with Luisa. Mateo might have technically still been a zygote then as opposed to a fetus.
“It’s not the most ridiculous thing that’s ever happened to us,” Iris says. Honestly, it’s not the most ridiculous thing that’s ever happened to Jane either.
“How did you get your powers?” Jane asks him.
“I was struck by lightning, then I was in a coma for nine months.” If he was in a coma for nine months after the Particle Accelerator exploded, that means he was in a coma for basically the duration of her pregnancy.
“What day did you wake up?”
“May 14th,” Iris tells her. Jane squeals. Fucking squeals.
“That was my son’s birthday! You woke up on my son’s birthday!”
“Okay, this is fate. This is totally fate” Barry and Iris both look confused.
“The Flash is Mateo’s favorite superhero.” Neither of them seem less confused.
“This was supposed to happen,” Jane says, "we were supposed to meet each other." Petra chooses this exact moment to walk in. She looks completely confused.
“Jane, who are these people?”
“This is Iris and Barry West-Allen,”
“Iris West-Allen?” Petra asks, “you’re that woman that writes articles about the Flash.”
“The one and only,” Iris says. Jane actually laughs (Iris writes articles about her husband?) , and Petra seems even more confused by that. She decides to ignore it.
“What are you doing near my family?” Petra demands.
“What?” Iris asks. She’s clearly confused about why Petra is so defensive.
“She’s not trying to trick me into telling her all our family drama, Petra,” Jane says.
“Then what is she doing?”
“Iris and Barry are…” A reporter who writes about the Flash and the Flash? A married couple very much in love? Destined to be our friends? “trying for a baby.” That’s probably Jane’s weakest option, but she doesn’t know if Barry is cool with her telling Petra he’s the Flash. She doesn’t want to just blow his secret. Petra looks even angrier and more defensive than she did before.
“You’re- you’re Catholic crazies!”
“Catholic crazies?” Iris asks, wrinkling up her nose.
“Those people that think touching Jane will get them pregnant! That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”
“That’s not what this is,” Iris says, “I’m sorry, Ms.” Iris pauses awkwardly after that, and Jane realizes that she’s groping for a last name she doesn’t have yet.
“Villanueva,” Petra says firmly, and Jane never gets tired of hearing that, “I’m Jane’s wife.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Barry says, trying to force a smile from his spot on the bar stool. Petra just glares at him.
“Get out of my house,” Petra says, “ both of you.”
“Ms. Villanueva,” Iris says, but Petra doesn’t let her finish. She crosses her arms and turns to Jane. It looks like part of her irritation has transferred over to Jane herself now.
“Jane, why did you let these people in?”
“They seemed nice,” Jane admits. She does not admit that she was hoping for an interview about her book. That would just be embarrassing.
“Jane, these people that think you’ll give them a baby, they’re like your father’s stalkers. Like the one that tried to kidnap him. They could have hurt you Jane.” Petra says this slowly, like she’s trying to get the idea through Jane’s thick, kind, trusting skull.
“But they didn’t,” Jane says firmly. She knows that this isn’t a consolation for her wife, who is running through every hypothetical situation in her mind right now. Petra is the one that had to save her father from his crazy stalker after all.
“Stay out of this,” Petra says. She doesn’t even look at him, and keeps glaring at Jane, her arms crossed over her chest. Barry flashes away from his spot in the bar stool, and Petra doesn’t even notice. Jane just starts laughing.
“I just can’t believe you would do this, Jane,” Petra says, “and what’s so funny?” Barry flashes back into the room, and this time, he’s wearing his costume. This time Petra notices.
“Jane, why is The Flash standing in our living room?” Petra demands. Barry pulls down his hood.
“Hi,” he says, “I’m the crazy that wants your wife’s help.” Petra doesn’t even some witty retort to this. She’s just standing there with this confused look on her face. That’s a really bad sign.
“You broke my wife,” Jane says. It’s only half a joke.
“This is a lot to take in, Jane,” Petra says. God, Jane is glad to hear her voice. She was actually a little worried.
“There’s a lot more of it too,” Iris says. They all sit down at the bar, and Jane pours Petra and Iris a glass of wine. She drinks her mango peach slush, and Barry drinks whatever one he brought her first. She offered him wine too, but he assured her that he couldn't get drunk so it wasn't worth wasting on him. Then, Jane, Iris, and Barry recount the long story for Petra.
“You think that Jane is a metahuman with fertility powers?” Petra asks. She sounds much calmer about this than Jane expected. She’s much calmer about it than Jane was.
“You don’t sound surprised,” Iris says, “at least, not as much as Jane did.” Petra shrugs.
“That explains the twins, actually” Petra says.
“What do you mean?” Jane asks. She doesn’t know how that relates to her fertility powers. Jane and Petra weren’t close when she conceived the twins.
“Jane, the actual chances of artificial insemination taking are one or two in ten, and that's with trained professionals. I shot myself up with a turkey baster in my suite at the Marbella. The chances of conceiving with that must be even lower, but I got twins. If you have powers, that would help explain that.” Barry grimaces like a little boy who’s been handed a tampon.
“You trusted us with your secret identity,” Petra points out, “I can trust you with the gritty details of our lives, can’t I?”
“Yeah, but this- this is just TMI,” he says. Barry is obviously disturbed by this bit of information and would prefer not to know it.
“It’s relevant, actually,” Jane says, “I think fertility powers might actually explain a lot about my life the past few years.
“Right after Petra and I decided to stay married, my mom ended up pregnant,” Jane says, “she spent one night with this guy, and poof! Pregnant! And if you know my mom, she’s been sleeping around for years. Only ever had one slip up when she was a teenager, and then one happens out of nowhere? It just seemed so unlikely.”
“Did she have the baby?” Iris asks gently.
“Oh god no,” Jane says, “she got an abortion.” Her mother wasn’t in a place in her life where she wanted another child, and Jane understands that. It would be really weird to have a sibling that’s younger than all of her kids anyway.
“And then so many of my friends have had accidents,” Jane says. Actually, the more that she thinks about it the more logical the idea seems. She thinks she might actually have fertility powers.
“Alright,” Petra says, “so you have fertility powers. You two want her to what, bless you?”
“My guess is that any kind of skin to skin contact works,” Iris says, shrugging, “it could be a hug, or a handshake. Anything you’re comfortable with really. And it only has to be Barry.”
“Why just Barry?” Jane asks.
“I’m the one with the problems,” Barry admits.
“I thought that the superspeed gave you super healing?” Jane asks, “shouldn’t it give you super fertility too?”
“I don’t know,” Barry says, “but we’ve been trying for a year to conceive, and our friend who’s a doctor thinks that my powers made me infertile.” That must be so hard for him, to have the powers that he uses to help people become a hindrance to him.
“I’ll help you,” Jane promises. Jane’s about to start suggesting how they do it. Then Petra starts talking.
“I have one condition.”
“Petra,” Jane says. Jane doesn’t like attaching condition to her kindness. It makes it feel like it’s stopped being kind and started being selfish.
“I want Mateo to meet the Flash.” Okay, that actually sounds really awesome. Mateo would totally freak if he got to meet the Flash, but it feels so manipulative to make that a condition of Jane helping them. It feels like she’s holding the hypothetical West-Allen baby hostage, like she’s saying “have a meet and greet with my kid or I won’t help you conceive yours”. Even though Jane wants Mateo to meet the Flash more than anything, this feels like that's a bad way to go about it.
“We can’t make Barry do that,” Jane says. If Barry were to offer of his own free will though, that would be a different story.
“We’re losing the cool parent race to Rafael, Jane,” Petra says.
“There isn’t a cool parent race,” Jane scoffs.
“Rafael got Taylor Swift to play at the Marbella so that Anna and Ellie could see it,” Petra says. Stupid rich baby daddy with his stupid rich people connections.
“Okay,” Jane says, “so there might be a cool parent race."
“Really Jane,” Barry says with a big smile, “it's alright. I’d love to meet your son.”
“Alright,” Jane says, “but if we’re going to do a fertility blessing, we’re gonna do this right. Come stand in front of me.” Jane isn’t sure if this idea is honoring the church that she still attends, or the most sacrilegious thing that she’s ever done. Either way it’s going to be really funny. She decides that it’s probably worth it.
The God that she believes in isn’t going to damn her for marrying a woman, and she doubts that He’s going to damn her for making a little joke either. Jane holds out his hand to touch him on the forehead, and realizes that he’s too tall.
“Can you bend down a little?” He bends down for easier reach.
“In the name of the father,” she says, touching his forehead, “and the son,” touching the middle of his chest “and the holy” left shoulder “spirit” right shoulder “I now declare you fertile.” Barry's laughs as he stands back up, and Jane can't help but laugh too.
"You want one too?" she asks Iris. The other woman does not step forward to accept her fertility blessing.
“Our friend who’s a doctor says I’m good,” Iris says. Jane shakes her head.
“Better safe than sorry,” she says, and Iris grins.
“Alright,” she says. Then Jane pulls her into a hug.
“With this hug I declare you fertile,” Jane says. Iris laughs as she breaks it. Her eyes are crinkly and bright with joy.
“Thank you so much,” Barry says.
“You have no idea what this means to us,” Iris adds. Jane thinks about her own children, and all the joy that they’ve brought her.
“I think I do,” she promises. Then she remembers that she hasn’t given this woman her number, and she’s not about to let Iris walk out of here without it.
“Give me your phone,” Jane says. Iris doesn’t even blink as she passes it over, and Jane puts her number in quickly. She even puts herself in under the name “Jane the Virgin” with a bottle and a baby emoji beside it.
“I put my number in,” Jane says, “call me when you find out you’re pregnant, okay?”
“Yes, of course,” Iris says, “I promise, Jane.”
“I helped you two make that baby, I want to know when it exists,” Jane says, pointing at her. Petra lets out an ugly laugh, and Barry blushes scarlet. Iris stifles her own laughter.
“What?” Jane demands.
“Are you gonna help them make the baby, Jane. Really?” Petra asks with a twinkle of mischief in her eye.
“Oh shut up,” Jane says, swatting at the air by her wife. Now she’s embarrassed. She hadn’t meant it like that. Just because she’s bisexual doesn’t mean that she’s dying for a threesome. She’s perfectly happy just being a twosome with her wife, thank you very much.
“I promise I’ll call you,” Iris says, and then she grins widely, “you did help make it.” Jane
“I hate all of you.”
“No you don’t,” Barry says, with a shit-eating grin even bigger than his wife’s, “you helped us make a baby.”
“Out of my house,” Jane says, pointing towards the door.
“Thanks Jane,” Barry says, sincere again.
“From both of us,” Iris adds. Jane thinks that she knows these people well enough now that she doesn’t have to spell it out that she’s not really pissed.
“Out of my house,” she says again, jokingly this time. Barry grins as he pulls down his cowl and then scoops Iris into his arms. Iris seems totally used to this, but she probably is. She’s married to the Flash, and they probably ran all the way here from Central City.
“Bye Jane,” Iris says, “call you when I’m pregnant!” Then in a flash of lightning, they both disappear.
“Wow,” Jane says, “is that ever gonna stop being awesome?” Petra doesn’t answer.
Insead she says, “I can’t believe that you just helped the Flash and his wife conceive a child.”
“Let’s make one of our own,” Jane says, waggling her eyebrows.
“Do you think that we could ? Do you think the fertility powers go that far?” Jane wouldn’t think so. They’ve had enough married people sex over the years that she thinks if her metahuman abilities could actually get one of them pregnant from it then it would have happened. Then some headline, inevitably, would call her “Jane the Pregnant Lesbian”.
She would really prefer to stop thinking about this.
“You’re killing the mood,” Jane says. At least, assuming that there was a mood to kill with Jane’s opening statement. Petra doesn’t look deterred.
“It’s a fair question.” It might be, but Jane doesn’t want to think about it now, or anytime in the near future, really. She just wants to actually make use of the night alone with her wife.
Jane kisses her, and the crazy world around her seems to melt away. It’s just Jane and her wife, and everything is alright.